Author's Note: Thank you so much to those of you who have stuck around through the extremely long hiatus!
11. Every time they got summoned to Lyoko she dreaded it (no matter how hard she tried she couldn't forget the digital sea).
She wakes with a scream stuck in her throat. Her chest is heavy, her lungs restricted with breathlessness. It's stupid, she knows it's stupid. She didn't actually drown. She just became…nothing. Her hand scrabbles for her phone, checks the time and eyes the message icon.
No new messages.
She can smell burnt toast and knows her father is awake. She shrugs into a sweatshirt to hide her shivers and pads downstairs toward the kitchen light. She needs to feel alive, she needs to be seen.
. . … . .
After it happened, Jeremie had asked what it was like. She'd sat there in the factory, feeling the boys staring at her. She hadn't realized she'd been shivering until Odd wrapped a jacket around her shoulders. "Yumi?" Ulrich asked quietly. He was knelt in front of her, his whole face screaming concerned in neon letters at her.
"It was just…nothing," she'd responded softly. That was all she could say. There was no pain, no light, no warmth, no cold… One minute she was Yumi Ishiyama, Lyoko warrior and Kadic Academy student. The next she wasn't anything.
Jeremie looked disappointed for a moment before he gives her a small one-armed hug. "I'm glad you're alright," he said. She looked up at him and he meant it, she realized.
"I'm sorry you weren't able to materialize Aelita," she said.
"It's okay, there's always next time. Now we know it can be done, which is progress." She gave him a small smile and avoided Ulrich's concerned eyes, ignored Odd's hand on her back. "You are okay, right?"
"I'm just tired," she said finally.
"Of course," Jeremie stated.
"We should get you home," Ulrich said after a moment. Odd and Ulrich both grabbed one of her arms, helping her to her feet. She didn't understand why it took so much effort to stand on her own.
. . … . .
The thing is, she is fine. Mostly. She should be.
It wasn't painful, it wasn't torture. She didn't linger, she just ceased.
A year later and she still finds herself staring too long into mirrors, eyes haunted and searching.
. . … . .
The first time Jeremie summoned them back to Lyoko after The Event she didn't think about it until she'd already touched down in Lyoko. Ulrich had stared at her, wide eyed from where he'd just taken out a krankrelot.
"Yumi?" he asked, surprised.
"What, thought you'd get to have all the fun?" she asked, grinning. "I know I'm a bit late, but I'm sure I can make up for it." Her words were more self-assured than she felt. Up until now she hadn't even known that she could virtually sweat. "Come on," she ordered.
They fought, it's what they did. They took on Xana's forces and if she kept one eye warily on the drop off, well, that was only smart, only reasonable. They didn't have Jeremie's materialization program anymore. Ulrich kept shooting her glances and she returned them with cheerful smiles, trying to channel Odd's enthusiasm.
Afterwards, she praised herself on making it through the debriefing and out of the factory before she emptied her guts into the river below. She must have had an off sandwich at lunch.
. . … . .
"This is a pleasant surprise," her father says. He gives her a smile as she sits down with her bowl of cereal. "I haven't seen you in a few weeks."
"I'm sorry-"
"It's fine," he interrupts. He hands her the comics from his newspaper and she smiles. "I'm happy you were able to get some sleep." He takes a long sip of his tea. "Something on your mind?"
Her fingers trace the comic characters and she stares at them absently. This is real, this right here. Those are her fingers touching that piece of newsprint, getting drying ink on her skin.
"Yumi," her father says softly. "What is it?"
"I have a test coming up," she says finally. "This afternoon, I don't feel like I've prepared enough."
"I'm sure you have. You are always so good about schoolwork." He gives her a small smile and she gives him one back. "I know…I know I put pressure on you. I only want what is best for you and Hiroki." He pauses, thoughtful. "I don't want you to feel…to feel…" he struggles, trying to find the right word.
"I know you'd be proud of me regardless," she interrupts. Her father gives her a relieved smile. "How's the business world?"
"A travesty," he replies, forlorn as he studies the headlines. "Such a waste."
. . … . .
"Yumi, Yumi did you hear me?" Jeremie questioned. His voice was sharp and tinny over the phone; she imagined it echoing through the factory and swallowed hard. "Yumi?"
"I'm here. I heard you," she replied. "I'm on my way now. Did you call the boys?"
"Odd and Ulrich are on their way," Jeremie replied, sounding relieved. "We'll see you soon."
"Yeah," she agreed. She hung up the phone, walked across the hall to the bathroom, and heaved into the toilet until only bile came up. Rinsing her mouth with mouthwash she studied her reflection, touched her face, her hair, spit into the sink, tugged on her hair and sighed. "Stop freaking out," she told herself.
It had been two years since her visit to nothingness. She needed to get a grip and move on. She laced her shoes and slipped out her window, darting through the rain, jacketless. The cold felt good, the cling of her clothes reminded her she had a body; the shivers made her feel a part of this world.
Entering the factory, Jeremie grinned at her, relieved. "Thank God," he said. "Odd and Ulrich are having a bit of trouble in Lyoko."
Yumi laughed, rolled her eyes. "Of course they are. Let me show them how it's done." She walked steadily toward the scanners, waited for Jeremie's countdown, and just breathed.
. . … . .
Sometimes she dreams that she never left the digital sea. She floats in nothingness. She is nothing. They are one and the same.
She watches her family, curious to see if anything changes sans Yumi. Hiroki becomes bolder, wilder, reckless. He yells and rants and takes up the fighting mantle when her parents set it aside. Her mother sits in her room, sometimes, stares at pictures, runs a hand over her comforter. She doesn't cry, but her eyes glisten. Her father sits at the kitchen table, silent. He eats his toast. He slides the comics across to her empty seat. He says nothing.
She watches from nothing as her friends move on, as Aelita joins them. Not the real Aelita, but the one Yumi used to imagine before she knew all her complexities. The imaginary Aelita joins them and it's like nothing has really changed.
Jeremie and Aelita fall sickeningly in love. They whisper and smile at each other. He holds doors for her and brings her flowers. She blushes to match her hair and keeps her eyes downcast before giving him a quick peck on the cheek.
Odd continues being his usual self. There really isn't much of a change that she can see. She isn't sure if that says something about her or him.
Ulrich…Ulrich goes back to Sissi. There's no Lyoko secret to protect, no reason to keep away now. She's not there to distract him either. She watches him throw an arm around Sissi's shoulders, press a kiss to her temple, her cheek, her mouth. He pulls away from the others, reverts to his pre-Lyoko self. She wonders which version is the real one.
Sometimes she wonders if these are truths. Did she see these in the digital sea before being materialized? Or are these just her own speculations.
She wakes gasping for air each time, chest tight, stumbling her way downstairs to the kitchen light and quiet rustle of newspaper pages.