Hello and welcome! This was just an idea that had been in my head for a while and decided to write it out. It'll be a short story unless otherwise requested. Thank you for reading!

The definition of grief is 'keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret.'

Some words don't make sense to me. This one, however, I've never experienced how true this definition was until that cool October day. Have I ever been sad? Sure. Plenty of times. But grief...grief is completely different.

Keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss.

Hello anxiety, stress, depression, and repetive memories.

Sharp sorrow.

It feels like it sounds. Like a knife being twisted in your gut or being hit by a baseball bat over and over.

Painful regret

The worst one of them all. Wishing for a time machine, anything to take you back. To fix things. To make things right. And to prevent the inevitable from happening.

But I don't have time machine and I can't fix or make things right. Time was up and the inevitable happened.

There's no other pain like that.

It was grief that caused me to toss and turn all night until I finally got up and swung my legs over the bed. My stomach lurched all the sudden and I quickly grabbed my trash can. I heaved and heaved but nothing would come out, probably because I haven't eaten in days. Tears threatened my eyes and I wiped them away furiously.

"Shit." I cursed under my breath.

"Meghan?" My knocks at the door.

"I'm fine, Mom." I insist, wishing she would go away.

Of course, she came in anyway. "Sweetie...you okay?" She asks.

As I looked at my mother, she bore the evidence of physical grief on her face and in her eyes. I wondered if I looked like her but I hadn't stepped foot in front of a mirror in days.

"I'm fine, Mom. Just tired." I answer shortly, my voice sounding hollow.

She sits down next to me, eyeing the trash can. She sighs as she wipes a tear from my eyes. "You're not fine. I know you're hurting. We all are. But I'm just...I'm worried." She confesses softly.

I look forward and put my head in my hands. "You're doing the best you can, Mom. It just...takes time. I haven't completely processed what's going on. Please, just...just give me some time."

She sighs tiredly then squeezes my shoulder. "Okay." She says then gets up to leave. She stops at the door and gives me a nervous look. "Meghan...if you...if there's anything..." she huffs frustrated and wipes her eyes. "Please let someone know. Me, your dad, just..anyone-" she can't even finish her sentence.

"Mom, just leave me alone. Please!" I snap unintentionally.

I can see the hurt look on her face without looking and I can't bring myself to look at her. She quietly closes the door though and I kick the empty trash can. I didn't mean to snap. But this thing called grief has turned me into someone I don't recognize and mom and dad are the last people I've wanted to be around. Along with this house. I feel trapped. I'm surrounded by memories and they cause the worst anxiety that I've ever had.

I look at the clock and see that's it's only 1:30am. But next to the clock is an upside down picture of me and my sister. All of my pictures are like that currently as I can't bring myself to look at her.

You see, my younger sister, Hannah, took her life about a week ago. It was the most unexpected and painful thing that I still can't wrap my mind around. I can't make sense of it. And I'm not sure if I ever will.

I'm wide awake now and as they have been for the past few days memories flood my mind. Along with things that I could've done differently. Those are the worst. Hannah and I were close, with barely a year between us in age. We had our moments but we looked out for each other. Guess I did a shitty job.

These thoughts cause me to pace my room and I feel crazy. I analyze every memory that I have of Hannah of the last past or so that we've been here, wondering how I failed her. As I pace, I catch sight of my dance shoes in the corner and I feel the anger rise in me. Maybe that's what it was. I snatch up the shoes along with my dance outfit from that day and throw them in a shoe box and wrap it in duct tape. I throw it back in the corner but it still mocks me.

I snatch up my phone and bring up the one person I really didn't want to see but one that I really needed in this moment. I doubt that he's even up right now so I just sit there, looking at his contact.

"You should text him." My snaps up at an all too familiar voice. My sister sits on the window seal.

"Hannah?" I whisper in disbelief.

She smiles softly. "Hey sis."

I stare in disbelief. "Shit, I am going crazy." I shake my head and look back at my phone.

"You should." She insists again and I look up at her. "Text him."

Again, I wonder what the hell is going on but then think, 'Ah fuck it, if I'm going crazy, might as well talk to my dead sister.'

"I can't." I finally reply softly.

She nods to my phone. "You have his number right there. Text him."

"I can't, Hannah. I was awful to him." I snap. "I've been awful to everyone."

"It's Tony, Meg. I seriously doubt he'd hold it against you." She says giving me a 'you know I'm right' look.

"Everyone has their limits. Including Tony." I point out. "I shouldn't have said what I said. It was wrong."

"Then tell him that. He'll understand. You were hurting. We do stupid things when we hurt." She says softly.

"Yeah, apparently so." I reply bitterly while biting my lip, feeling slightly bad at the guilty looks she gives me. "You know he didn't even deserve what I said because it wasn't even his fault. He saw you through the window and I told him not to go out there. That it wasn't a big deal. That you could wait-" a sob erupts from my throat.

She looks sympathetic as she lays her hand on my shoulder. "It's not your fault, Meg."

"No, you don't get to say that! Because if I had been home when I was supposed to or when you had called, you'd still be here!" My voice cracks and I shake with how angry I am. "But instead I was at Tony's showing him a stupid dance." I'm hyperventilating now and shaking all over.

"Meg, you love to dance." She says simply. "I don't hold that against you."

I laugh bitterly. "I do. I regret it every single second." I sniff as I wipe my eyes then look at the box in the corner.

Hannah looks sad but nods to my phone. "Text him. Talk to him. He can help you."

"I don't need anybody." I grumble stubbornly then throw my phone on the bed.

She gives me a look. "You smell like a garbage can, your eyes are puffy, and you've worn that same outfit for four days. You've lost too much weight because you won't eat and now you're talking to dead people because you can't sleep. You're officially going crazy." She smirks.

I roll my eyes. "Go away." I reply sarcastically then rub my temple.

She moves the phone closer to me. "Text. Him." She insists firmly.

I huff then snatch the phone up. "You know this is creepy as hell, right?" I grumble as I pull up Tony's number.

Hannah smiles as I text our friend. At least, I hope he's still my friend...

I rewrite the text several times before I look at the box in the corner again and shiver. "I don't know what to say." I whisper.

"Tell him..that you need a friend." She offers thoughtfully.

I scoff as I typed it out.

Hey...I'm sorry for texting so late. I don't even know if you're up or wanna hear from me. But I can't sleep and I could really use a friend right now...

A sob escapes from my throat as I type out the last line and press send. I was full of sadness and regret. Pain radiated throughout my body and I couldn't stay in this house a second more.

So I put my phone in the pocket, snatched up the box and my keys then quietly left my room. Before I go downstairs, I freeze as I catch sight of the bathroom. A shiver runs down my spine as painful memories hit me. My breathing speeds up and I quickly run downstairs. I can't get out of the house fast enough.

Once I make it to my car, I fumble with my keys but my shaky hands can't seem to grasp the right ones. "Dammit!" I curse as I throw my keys. I decide that it's not best to drive but I literally can't take any more so I snatch up my keys and go to the garage, grab a shovel, and just start walking.

I feel like my movements are mechanical but my feet know where to go. The night is quiet. The only sounds coming from the crickets and occasional cars in the distance. The sky was bright with stars. Any other time, I would've loved it but tonight I just felt like I was walking through a fog.

I felt a vibration from my phone and stopped to take it out. To my surprise, it was a message from Tony.

Tony: "I'm up. You ok?"

I cried at the fact that he would message me back anyway. I didn't deserve it.

Me: "No."

I reply shortly but didn't know what else to say. I'd been trying to be okay for my parents but I couldn't anymore. I was hurting. Bad.

My thoughts are interrupted by my phone ringing. I look at the color ID to see Tony's picture calling me.

I clear my throat answering. "Hello?" I answer hoarsely.

"Meg? You alright?" Tony's voice answers frantically.

"No," I answer honestly once again. "I...I don't know what I am right now."

Suddenly, a car blares it's horn at me, making me jump and quickly get out of the way. "Watch where you're going!" A man yells at me then speeds away.

"Meg! What's going on?" Tony asks concerned.

"Sorry, I...I was walking in the middle of the road-"

"You were what? Where are you going?"

"I have something I have to do but I'm too messed up to drive so I just started walking." I confess. "I think I'm at a park a few blocks away from my house."

"Stay there, I'm on my way." He replies.

My anxiety picks up at the thought of seeing him. "No, Tony. You don't have to do that-"

"Stay there. I'm coming." He says firmly then hangs up the phone.

I sigh as I look around and find a bench under the tree. There was no arguing with Tony. If he said he was coming, he was coming and you wouldn't be able to change his mind. I didn't know what I was going to do when I saw him. It was probably stupid that I asked him to come but who else did I have?

Shaking my head, I look around the park and see memories of Hannah and I riding our bikes around the bike trail. Laughing about who knows what and dreaming together. Now that I thought about it, it was here that she encouraged me to dance professionally. I thought she was crazy.

"So you're one more year closer to escaping the high school hell hole. Have you thought about like 'what's next?'" Hannah asks curiously.

"Not really." I shrug. "Probably a local college or maybe no college. Cause if you think about, college is like high school 2.0."

Hannah wrinkles her nose. "Way to go, Debbie downer."

I scoff then laugh. "It's true! Same kids, same bullshit, and for what? A slight chance at a better job?"

"I can't believe this. You are my older sister, you are supposed to encourage me to be good, go to college, and become a wise old cat lady. Not skip school and work at the Cresmont for the rest of my life." She teases with a grin.

I laugh and shake my head. "But you'd be an amazing manager and professional at not burning popcorn. People will come from all over just to taste your amazing artwork."

"Shut up!" She pushes me while laughing. "Seriously, what do you wanna do?"

I throw my hands in the air. "I don't know, Hannah." I say then look at my hands. "I thought about dancing but...l don't know."

"Like professional? Like going to like Juliard or something like that?" She probes me for more information.

I shrug. "Something like that." I mumble, feeling stupid.

"That's...amazing, Meg. You should. You totally should." She says excitedly. "That would be so cool."

"It would but-"

"But what?"

"I'm not...I'm not good enough." I finally voice my insecurity.

She gives me a bewildered look. "What? Are you kidding me? Meghan, I've seen you dance, you are incredible. You could totally dance professionally. You should do it!"

"Hannah, dance is highly competitive and I'm not good enough. Most girls have been training since they could walk. I started in middle school, I'm way behind."

"Yeah but most of those girls still dance like shit because rich daddy paid for them to do all but you are different because you started late and you dance from your heart." She says sincerely.

I laugh softly. "Okay, now you're getting cheesy."

Hannah laughs then elbows me. "I mean it! I'm your sister, I'd tell you if you danced like shit but you don't. However, you do cook like shit." She teases mischievously.

I slap her playfully and we both laugh. "Thanks." I roll my eyes sarcastically. But she was right. I could dance to save my life.

She sobers up though and looks up though. "I'm serious though. You could do it, Meg. When I watch you dance, I feel whatever you're trying to portray. That's what you do. You make people feel. That's not stupid, that's needed" She says softly.

I'm taken aback but touched by her words. "Hannah...you really believe that?"

"Of course." She squeezes my hand. "I'll be there for you. Every step of the way." She smiles.

"Okay but on one condition. You pursue your dream of writing." I say seriously. Her smile falls but I shake my head and grab her hand. "You're a great writer, Hannah. And you have something to say. Remember that."

She stares at me with a look that I could now describe as sadness and some self loathing. But she forces a smile and nods. "Okay, so we both move to the big city, live in a ghetto apartment. We'll be so broke but living the big dream. On one condition." I give her a questioning look. "I cook." She says sternly.

I pout but then we both bust into hysterical laughter. We laughed until we couldn't anymore and the rest of the day we dreamed out loud what it might be like in the big city. What we would do. Who'd we meet. The possibilities were endless.

And now...none of that was possible. My little sister is gone. I angrily stared at the box and threw it on the ground. I snatched up the shovel I brought, picked a spot under the tree, and started pounding away at the ground. Angry tears flooded my vision as memory after memory hit me like I hit the dirt.

I barely saw the red mustang that drove up until it's lights flashed me before turning off. "Meg?" A familiar voice asks curiously as he approaches me. I stop and look at the boy who was my old friend.

"Tony." I nod to him, unsure of what to do.

"You look like shit." He says bluntly as he looks me up and down.

Despite everything, a laugh escapes me as I shake my head. He hasn't changed a bit. "Yeah, thanks." I mumble but understand. I was quite the sight.

He steps forward with a concerned expression. "What's going on? What are you doing out here?" He nods to the shovel.

I shrug. "I'm...digging." I answer simply.

He scoffs then smirks. "I can see that. What are we digging for?" He asks amused but then his face goes white as he eyes the box on the bench. "What is this?" He asks as he picks up the box.

When I don't answer right away, he gets more upset. "What the fuck is this?!" He nearly yells.

I jump and am surprised by his tone. "It's my dance shoes." I reply carefully.

Tony looks suspicious. "I wanna see the inside. Open it." He demands.

I give him a confused look. "Why?"

"Open the damn box, Meghan." He says losing his patience.

"Shit, fine, here." I hand over the box annoyed.

He ignores me and opens the box. Sure enough, like I'd said, my dance shoes and dance outfit from that day are in there. He looks relieved which confuses me but I'm too tired to really care. "Why are you burying your dance shoes, Meg? These are the ones Hannah gave you."

I flinched when he said her name. "They're the ones that killed her, too." I say as I look at them bitterly.

He gives me a sympathetic look. "You can't hold that against yourself."

"Fuck you, Tony, you don't know shit." I yell defensively.

"Oh I don't?" He fires back and I instantly regret my words.

I sigh heavily as more tears threaten my eyes. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." I choke on my tears. "I didn't mean it, I...shit, I'm just messed up-"

"You're hurting, Meg. You're exhausted, confused, and stressed out." He says softly.

I close my eyes as tears roll down my cheeks. "I don't know what to do, Tony." I cry.

Tony's eyes water too as he places a hand on my shoulder but he remains calm. "You're gonna get in the car and we're gonna drive." He simply replies.

I wipe my tears away and sigh. "I've got to do this first..." I trail off as I look at the box.

"How about this, you let me hold on to them, you sleep on it first, wait until your mind is clearer and then if you still want to do it, I'll help you myself." He offers.

"My mind is fine, Tony." I grumble but we both know I'm lying.

He gives me that knowing look. "You're digging a hole at 2am in the middle of the park." He points out with a smirk then holds out his hand. "Give me the box, Meg."

I eye Tony carefully and it's the caring look and gentleness of his tone that finally convinces me to hand him the taunting box. He gives me a faint smile then places it in the back seat of the car then turns around and opens the driver side. "You coming?" He asks.

I nod and quietly get into the car. I settle down immediately when we start driving. Unlike other places, this car actually has good memories. It's comfortable, despite the slight tension between us. I feel drained though. Tired but fearing sleep.

"When's the last time you ate something?" Tony breaks the silence.

"Few days, I think." I answer and he gives me a concerned look. I shrug. "Mom has tried to make me eat but whatever I eat, it just comes right back up."

Tony nods. "Sleep?" He asks.

I shake my head. "Barely any. When I do it's..." I trail off thinking of the horrific nightmares I've had. "It's not good."

Tony bites his lip. "I understand." He says quietly.

I look at him. "You have them too?"

"Why do you think I was up at 1am?" He asks softly then looks at me. "Yeah, I have them too."

"Then why are you here?" I ask feeling guilty.

"Because you needed a friend." He says with a soft smile.

My eyes water and my lip trembles slightly but I wipe them away and lay my head against the window. "Thank you." I whisper as my eyes start to get heavy.

Tony puts on some music and for the first time in a while, I felt calm and my last thought before was that I was finally not alone.

But sleep has proven to not always bring peace. I dreamt of Hannah. I was running down a long road and at the end I saw Hannah. She had a grave look on her face and I called out to her but she refused to look at me as she pulled out a razor blade. I screamed for her to put it down but she wouldn't listen. I ran but no matter what I couldn't get closer and by the time I reached her...it was too late.

I woke up in a cold sweat and out of breath. The sunlight broke through a window and as I looked around, I wasn't in my room. I was confused and almost scared until Tony comes in the room carrying some clothes. He looks up surprised. "Oh, good morning." He greets with a friendly smile.

"Hey..." I reply sleepily. "Where am I?"

"You're at my house. Surprised you didn't recognize my room." He chuckles.

"Your house? How long have I been here?" I ask nervously.

"Since last night. You passed out in the car. Figured I'd let you sleep." He says as he leans against the wall.

"You didn't have to do that." I said as I stretched. "What time is it?"

"3:34." He answers as he looks at his watch.

My eyes grow wide. "Holy shit." I say in disbelief then begin to panic. "Shit, my parents-"

"Already knows where you are." He interrupts. "My mom called your mom, let her know where you are. She offered for you to stay a few days if you want."

"A few days?" I question, clearly confused.

"Yeah, she freaked out but calmed down after I explained what was going on. She said you'd been going through it and thought that a few days away from the house might be good for ya." He explains then back tracks. "Of course, nobody is making you stay but if you want, you're welcome here."

I swallow hard, overwhelmed by a kindness that I don't deserve. "Tony, I don't want to intrude and what I said before...I don't deserve this."

"You said last night that you needed a friend. Friends help each other through their shit." He says then gives me a sincere look. "Look I'm no shrink but I want to be there for you any way that I can if you'll let me."

My eyes water and I still feel heavy and exhausted. Part of me wants to run but the sincerity in Tony's eyes keeps my feet planted. I sigh and realize how sore and chapped my eyes are from crying. "I don't even know where to start." I confess. "I just feel...lost. Like I've forgotten how to do everything."

Tony nods in understanding. "We're gonna take it one step and day at a time." He says softly. "So today, you're going to shower, get dressed, and attempt to eat something. That's what you focus on today." He then sets the clothes down in front of me.

I look at them then back at him, saying finally what's been on my mind. "I was terrible to you-"

"You were hurting, Meg." He interrupts me with a look. "You still are. So if you say more stupid shit, I won't take that to heart either." He says with a smirk.

The corners of my lips lift up a bit but tears threaten my eyes. I want to speak but I can't so I motion with my hands and an awkward choked sob escapes me. Tony squeezes my shoulder then stays and we sit in a comfortable silence.

Eventually I sigh then point to the clothes. "You keep mentioning a shower. Do I really stink that bad?" I ask.

"Oh yeah." He answers quickly which causes us both to laugh.

"Same honest Tony." I laugh as I roll my eyes.

"Tony?" We turn to the hallway where a familiar voice echos. Seconds later, Tony's mom emerges with a warm smile. "Good afternoon, Meghan. I trust you slept well?" She asks lightly.

"Hey, Mrs. P." I laugh softly. "I did. It felt good to finally sleep. Um, thank you...for everything. I promise, I won't stay too long-"

"You stay as long as you want. We're here for you. All of us." She says sincerely.

"Thank you. So much." I reply, feeling emotional again. "If there's anything I can do-"

"You will leave it to me or the boys, understand?" She finishes in a motherly tone. "This is your home, too."

"Yes ma'am." I answer defeated but feeling loved.

She smiles then looks to both of us. "Dinner in an hour." She announces then turns to leave but stops as she remembers. "Oh Tony, do your laundry. It's smelling a little, ya know-" she wrinkles her nose and waves her hand in disgust.

I bite my cheek to keep from laughing as Tony gives me a look then nods at his mom. "Will do, Ma." He reassures her as she leaves the room.

When she's gone, I bust out laughing as throws the clothes at me. "Go take your fuckin' shower." He demands while laughing which causes me to laugh harder.

"Alright, alright." I laugh as I stand up.

Tony shows me to the bathroom and explains where everything is. Catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I nearly jump. My hair is a tangled mess. My skin is pale, almost grey looking. My eyes are puffy. Dark, deep circles appear under my eyes, and I can tell my face is thinner. "Shit." I whisper as I touch my face.

Tony, noticing what's happening, looks in the mirror too. "How'd we get here, Tony?" I ask quietly.

"Several roads, chica." He replies sadly. "You're gonna make it though."

I sniff then turn away from the mirror. "I sure hope so." I whisper.

He gives me a sad smile then leaves. After I'm left to myself, I start to do what anyone else would do when you get a shower. I get undressed but I nearly jump out of my skin when I pull back the curtain and see a quick glimpse of my sister's body in the shower. I gasp loudly and then squeeze my eyes shut as my breathing quickens. I quickly turn the water on and as I wait for the water to warm up, I sit on the toilet nearly doubled over as I shake violently.

"It's not real, it's not real." I whisper over and over.

I hear a knock at the door that makes me jump. "Meg, you alright?" Tony asks through the door.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine." I say more to myself as I force myself to get up and take my shower.

I never thought that taking a simple shower would be so hard. I was okay once I was in but the images of my sister still haunted my mind. It made me fearful and angry. I took it out on my skin as I scrubbed harshly until it was raw. I kept seeing her. I saw myself picking her up, dragging her out of the bathtub, begging her to wake up. Ugly cries erupted from me as I dropped the wash cloth and fell to my knees. I held myself as I kept my eyes shut and let the water beat against my skin.

This wasn't supposed to happen. It was just a shower. Not a place of memories that brought me to my knees.

Damn you, Hannah. I thought selfishly.

As the water ran cold and the painful memories passed, I forced myself to turn off the water and get out. I took my time getting out and drying off then slowly changing into my clothes. I cleaned up the bathroom then finally emerged and returned to the bedroom.

I felt exhausted again as heaviness took over. I knew in the back of my mind that dinner had probably started without me. I could smell it but the thought of food still turned my stomach. So I got back into bed and curled into a ball. I felt numb and it surprised me how fast my mood could change.

After a while, Tony came in with a huge coffee cup and a bag full of stuff. "Hey, you don't have to come to the table but Mom wanted you to at least drink some soup."

I wrinkle my nose at him and he chuckles. "Don't worry, it's just chicken broth so it shouldn't upset your stomach too much." He takes out a bottle of blue liquid. "Brought you some Gatorade, Gingerale, and water to help settle your stomach and keep you hydrated." He takes out some medicine and holds it up. "Some Ibuprofen too to help with headaches."

"Thank you, Dr. Tony." I tease but am actually really grateful.

He smiles then hands me the cup. I know better than to argue so I force myself to drink the warm liquid. To my surprise, it warms me up and comforts me. Then he hands me the Gatorade and though I don't have much taste for it, I do it to make Tony feel better.

I hand him the stuff and he sets it on the night stand then pulls up a chair next to the bed.

"Your parents...are you sure they're ok with me being here?" I ask worriedly.

"They're concerned but they haven't said much. They probably won't either. They're not really the probing type." He looks down at his hands then at me. "They didn't know Hannah as well as they know you but when they heard what happened, they asked about you a lot."

I nod, feeling a bit of guilt and slight anger. After a while, I break the silence. "They're sweet." I say quietly then shake my head. "I'm sorry about dinner, I wanted to come. I just..." I sigh, feeling frustrated.

"Don't worry about it, Meg. They understand." He reassures me. "What happened in there? The shower?" Tony asks softly.

I shift in the bed uncomfortably as I pull the covers closer to my chest. "It's stupid." I mumble.

"It's not stupid." He insists firmly but then his tone becomes more gentle. "Tell me what happened in there."

"I don't know...I was fine until I saw the tub." Here comes the tears. "Then I saw her and I relived the whole thing."

"Shit, Meg." Tony curses softly. His eyes water as he listens intently. He takes hold of my hand, rubbing his thumb over the top.

This small but meaningful gesture makes me cry more. "Everything is so fucked up and I don't know what to do." I cry. "I can't even take a fucking shower without falling apart."

Tony is up in a second and gently lifts me up then pulls me to his chest and wraps his arms around me protectively. My cries grow louder, more ugly as I hold on to him. He rests his cheek against my head and I feel his tears too. All the pint up anger, sadness, and regret that I'd been holding onto comes spilling out. I wailed, I cursed, I questioned, I pounded my fist again him until all my strength left. All the while Tony kept a firm grip on me, saying nothing but everything at the same time.

Thank you for reading the first chapter! Until next time