Grief is a weird thing. I should've been eager to hear Hannah's voice but I was honestly avoiding it every chance that I got. I put it off for two days now. I wanted answers but feared the truth even though I supposedly wasn't on these tapes. The barking voice in the back of my head told me I wasn't innocent, that I should've had a tape too because I could think of plenty of times I may have played a role. Another part of me told me I should be glad I wasn't the straw that broke the camels back.

So what was it? What was the final straw?

Tony knew but refused to tell me which irritated me to no end. It wasn't his fault though. He was doing what she wanted. Damn him for being a good friend.

It was around lunch time while Tony was at school and I was finally internally talking myself into listening to the tapes later on. But while I was doing that, I decided to stop by the gym. I owed the owner an explanation as to why I hadn't been showing up for my training as well as that I would not be returning.

I walked in and a few familiar faces greet me with bright smiles and slaps on the shoulder. "Hey stranger." I friendly voice greets from behind me.

I turn around and smile at Caleb. "Hey Caleb, hows it going?" I ask as I give him a tight hug.

"I'm good but I think I should be asking you the same thing." He says as he pulls back, he face slightly somber.

"I'm fine." I say quickly as I clear my throat. "Listen I'm sorry I kind of disappeared-"

He holds his hands up. "Don't be. Tony filled me in." He assures me.

"He did?" I bite my lip. "What did he say?"

Caleb shrugs. "He told me that your sister passed..."he trails off slightly as I look down. "I'm really sorry, Meg." He says sincerely.

"Thank you." I whisper, feeling sad and conflicted.

"You wanna talk about it?" He asks gently.

I shake my head. "No." In reply firmly. "I, um, I came to tell you I'm quitting my training." Even as I said it, it felt wrong.

Caleb gives me a confused look. "You're quitting?"

I force myself to be strong and stand upright. "Yeah." I reply shortly.

"For how long?" He asks.

"For good." I say firmly. "I'm not dancing anymore so I don't need it." I felt a little piece of me die.

Caleb gives me a disbelieving look. "You're quitting dance?"

"Yeah, is that so hard to believe?" I ask a bit bitterly.

"Yeah, it is." Caleb retorts as he crosses his arms. "Why are you quitting?"

"Because I want to. I'm tired of it." I lie which by the look he gives me I can tell he doesn't believe me.

"That's the biggest bullshit I've ever heard." He says bluntly.

"Is this how you talk to your clients?" I ask offended.

"Yes." He answers honestly with a short laugh. "Calling people out on their bullshit is in my job title."

"Well good luck with that." I reply sarcastically then hold out a check. "Here's what I owe you. Thanks for all your time."

He looks at the check but doesn't take it. "I'm not taking this."

I lose my patience. "Caleb, take the fucking check." I demand angrily but Caleb keeps his cool.

"Look, I know you're hurting-"

"You don't know shit!" I yell at him.

"I know pain makes you do some really stupid shit." He retorts.

"Why do you care so fucking much?" I ask losing my patience. "You weren't my dance teacher, you were my trainer. So take the money, pat yourself on the back, and move on with your life."

"If I were in it for the money I wouldn't have taken you on as a client." He laughs which shuts me up because it's true. Caleb worked with me so much on my training, working mainly what I could afford or I pulled my weight by working in the gym.

Remembering that humbled me and made me sit down. I cursed under my breath and put my head in my hands. "I'm sorry, Caleb." I mumble.

Caleb sits next to me, his hands folded together. "Listen, I get it. And I know this isn't exactly professional but I do care not as your trainer but as your friend. Because though you've been trying to keep it all together, there's a lot of pain building up. And pain turns into rage real quick when it's not dealt with. That, I do understand on a very personal level." The sincerity and genuine concern in Caleb's voice and understanding in his eyes is enough to make my own eyes water and what anger I had left dissipate.

I swallow hard. "I was practicing a dance and ran over my practice time. I was late getting home and by then, it was too late. I found her in the bathtub and she was dead." I explain, feeling the deep pain of regret. "Now I can't even look at a dance shoe without resenting it."

Caleb's face turns somber. "Jesus, Meg."

"It sucks." I choke out, tears clogging my throat. "If I had gotten there just a few minutes earlier, she'd be here."

Caleb shakes his head and wraps an arm around my shoulder. "It's not your fault." He says gently.

I roll my eyes. "I wish people would quit saying that." I grumble.

Caleb grabs my hand and squeezes it gently. "I'm not going to pretend that I know exactly what you're going through. I know loss but every situation is different so the pain hits different." He begins. "But I will say that it is possible to heal. However, it can be a long, exhausting, and pretty shitty road. So I'm going to give you your space but if you need a place to go to take a break, you're welcome here." He smirks. "And after you've gained fifty pounds from eating your feelings, I'm also here."

I give him a look and we both laugh. "Thanks." I reply sarcastically as I roll my eyes but can't hide my smile as he elbows me gently. "No, really. Thank you. You've always been a good person to talk too and you kick my butt more times that I could count. I don't...I don't know when and if I'll ever get back into it but I appreciate you being there."

"Of course." He smiles softly then gives me a hug. I willed myself not to cry. I was tired of crying and this killed me. When we pull away, Caleb looks at the clock. "I gotta go but seriously, any time you need anything, let me know."

"Thanks, Caleb. See ya later." I say with a wave and then leave the gym.

When I get in my car, I lean back, close my eyes and let a few tears fall. "Dammit." I whisper under my breath.

I quickly wipe them away then text Tony. He had about an hour before school let out.

'I'm ready to listen today if you are.'

I shakily press send. My eyes are blurry with unshed tears as I drive to the docks. Once I'm there, I pull out a blanket and bottled water and walk down to the end.

My phone dings. A text from Tony.

'Are you sure?'

Of course he would ask.

'Yes...it needs to be done.'

A minute later he responds.

'Let's talk first.'

I scoff sadly as I reply.

'I don't want to talk, I just want to get this over with'

I could practically see the look on his face.

'We're talking first. Meet you at the house?

I sigh heavily as I sent a thumbs up emoji and sat my phone down. As I watched the sunlight bounce off the water, I thought about the times Hannah and I would come down here. I missed our talks and what I wouldn't do to have one more. But even that wouldn't be enough.

We came down here to explore the town when we first moved. We talked about starting over and what we had hoped for. Hannah had hoped to find love like our parents did. I wasn't really sure what I wanted but I had hoped that we could start over and have a good life here. We had a good plan.
And then we went to liberty high school.

After awhile of sitting there, I pack up and drive over to Tony's house and wait in the car. I play a few songs Hannah and I loved, which is a bad idea I know but oh well. I nearly jump out of my skin when Tony opens my door.

"Jeez, Tony, you scared the shit of me!" I fuss at him but he only smirks.

"You should really be more aware of your surroundings." He teases, earning a playful slap from me. Settling in, he gives a concerned look. "You look like you've had a shitty day."

"They're all shitty days." I reply, chewing the side of my mouth.

"You wanna talk about it?" He asks softly.

"No, I just want to get this over with." I say firmly but Tony raises his eyebrows. "What?"

"Something's up with you. What is it?"

"Tony, I don't wanna talk about it. I've just had a bad day and this is stressing me out." I huff, feeling frustrated. "You don't have to listen with me, I'll do it myself-"

"You're not listening to these alone." He says quickly.

"Dammit, Tony, give me the fucking tapes!" I demand.

"Whoa, what is your problem, Meg?"

I lose my cool. "Shit, never mind, just get out, Tony! Get out!" I yell at him, my voice cracking.

Tony looks slightly hurt but doesn't move. "I'm not going anywhere until you calm down."

"I'm fine." I snap but even I don't believe my own voice.

"You're not fine. What happened today?" He asks gently.

I sigh heavily. "My parents and I got into a fight over Hannah. They're not doing a funeral for her." I finally relent and tell him what's been on my mind all day.

"What? Why?" He asks in disbelief.

"Because of how she died." I reply bitterly. "They're ashamed and from what they tell me, they checked a couple of places and they weren't willing to do because of it too."

"They can do that?"

I shrug. "Apparently so."

"Fucked up." Tony curses shaking his head.

"It's not fair, Tony. Just because she committed suicide doesn't mean she's not worthy of a proper funeral." My hands tremble. "What pissed me off more is that buried her already."

Tony turns quickly to me. "What?"

"They buried her. Quietly. I had no idea." I explain softly, my voice thick with emotion.

"Shit, Meg." He rubs the bridge of his nose.

"I didn't get to say a proper goodbye. Literally the last memory I have of her is the stupid emt throwing her in the back." My voice cracks terribly as I turn to him. "Why? Why wouldn't they give her funeral? Why is she worth less if she took her own life?"

"She's not." Tony insists.

"It's fucked up, Tony. She deserved better." I say sadly. "Should've known better though. They didn't respect her when she was alive, why should anyone give a shit now?"

"Maybe just give them time, Meg. They're hurting too." He tries to reasons.

"Time." I scoff. "Heals all wounds, huh? Then why does it feel like mine are getting deeper?"

Tony doesn't say anything but sighs as he squeezes my shoulder which causes tears to prick my eyes and a huge knot to form in my throat. "What else is bothering you?" He asks and gives me a knowing look.

"What, are you my shrink now?" I snap which earns me a stern look. I sigh heavily. "I quit my training with Caleb." I say quietly, not meeting his eyes.

"Do you really think that's a good idea?" He asks surprised.

"Why not?" I challenge. "I'm not dancing anymore so why should I?"

"Meg, you will dance again-"

"How do you know?" I interrupt annoyed.

"Because it's a part of you." He pauses and gives me a nervous look. "And Hannah wouldn't have wanted you to stop."

"Dancing is what killed Hannah, Tony." I retort.

"Dancing killed her or you killed her?" He challenges. I give him the what the fuck face but before I can say anything he holds up his hand. "You blame yourself for what happened. You think you could've done something to stop her if you hadn't been dancing but the truth is Meg she made her choice no matter what you were doing at the time."

"You don't know that." My voice cracks. "I could've talked to her-"

"So could've I. So could've a lot of people but we didn't. We let her down." He says sadly looking guilty.

I flinch at his words. "How is that so easy for you to say?"

"It's not. Believe me it's not." He says seriously and I can see the pain in his eyes. "I was there too and I could've talked to her, invited her in but I didn't. So I get your in pain and I get why you're angry and upset with yourself but it won't bring her back."

His truth hurts. More than I'd like it too. But I don't have anything else to add because I feel exhausted. So after a while, I bring up what I dreaded most. "Do you have the tapes?" I ask. He picks them up and puts them in his lap, giving me a look. I breathe in shakily. "I don't know if I can."

"I won't force you, Meg. It's up to you." He says softly.

I think about for a few minutes before letting go the breath I had been holding. "I don't want to but I need to understand." I finally say. "Just don't leave. Please."

Tony's eyes shine. I feel slightly bad because I know he's already listened once but I can't do this alone. "I won't. I promise."

I sniff and wipe away my tears. "Will you drive while I listen?" I ask quietly.

Tony nods then we switch places. I open the box and shakily take out the map which he explains to me. When he presses play and my sisters voice starts playing, I get emotional fast. I barely make it through the first tape and by the time Tony is turning it over, the car is suddenly spinning, unable to focus, my ears ringing so loud that her voice is muffled and I can't make out what she's saying. My hands begins to shake and my chest feels constricted and I can't seem to get enough air. I feel out of control and suddenly trapped. Flash backs of Hannah race through my mind and voices ring in my ear. I hear a faint male voice in the back of my head but the spinning and ringing won't stop. I gasp for air and squeeze my eyes shut, begging the spinning to stop. "St-stop! Please stop!" I cry out to no one in particular.

This seems to go on forever until I feel something grab me and I jerk back. "Hey, hey, Meg, it's okay, it's just me." A familiar voice fills my ears. I struggle to breathe and I can't talk. The voice is gentle and coaxes me to breathe. "I'm gonna grab your hand and together, we're going to count to ten, okay?" The shakiness doesn't let up but I force myself to do what the voice says. Just as it said, a gentle, warm hand grabs mine, still making me jump and it begins to count down numbers. It takes a couple of tries but I finally join in, holding the hand tight while trembling and soon fall in sync with the voice until the shaking stops and air returns starts to return to my lungs.

"There ya go. There ya go. Nice and steady." He praises. "Now open your eyes."

I slowly do as he instructs and open my eyes to see Tony staring at me with a composed but concerned look. "Good. Do you remember my name?"

"T-tony." I stutter quietly.

He smiles briefly. "And your name?"

"Meghan." I whisper as I take in my surroundings, finding that we're stopped on the side of the road. The fog in my head begins to clear as Tony talks me back to reality and I find that my face is soaked in tears and sweat and my hands feel clammy. "Where are we?" I ask.

"Near our hiking place." He answers as he hands me a handkerchief. I wipe my face and then briefly catch a glance at myself in the mirror. "What the hell happened?" I ask as I take in my disheveled hair.

"Panic attack, looks of it." He replies as he releases my hand and wipes his face. "Scared the shit out of me." He says honestly as I curse under my breath.

"I'm sorry, Tony." I start worriedly, feeling embarrassed but he waves me off.

"It's my fault. You weren't ready for this." Tony says quietly. I look away and bite my lip. He wasn't wrong. "Come on. I'll take you home." Nodding, he closes my door and then we ride the rest of the way home in silence. I gaze somberly out the window, different thoughts in my head. Part of me was afraid that this would be it for Tony. That I was more than he could handle and he didn't need any more drama in his life. That-

"Stop that." He says suddenly but keeping his eyes on the road.

"Stop what?" I ask confused.

"That. You're mulling over and over in your head what just happened. Wondering what I'm thinking and if I'm gonna ditch. You need to stop otherwise it'll trigger another one." He says calmly and matter of fact.

Amazed and self conscious, I pause for a moment as we pull up to my house. "Are you?" I ask timidly, earning a raised eyebrow. "Going to ditch?" I swallow hard. "I wouldn't blame you."

Tony's face softens. "Of course not." He says meaningfully. "Might start charging for therapy though." He smirks slightly.

I try to laugh but it comes out strained. "I tried. I know she has a mission for us but I couldn't do it. Not right now. I can't...I can't listen to how she was torn up right in front of me. It's too much, Tony. One day, sure, but not right now."

"I shouldn't have told you about it in the first place." He whispers regretfully.

"Then I would've been more pissed off." I tease slightly but he fails to offer any kind of smile. I swallow hard. For a long time, we ride in silence until I speak what's on my mind. "You don't have to do, Tony. Hannah was...selfish. She didn't think about this clearly. And it's hurting everyone now." I fight to swallow my tears. "I know you want to keep her promise and I love you for it but we can end this now. Turn it into the police...my parents. Forget about it and move on."

Tony drives for a while in silence until he echoes my thoughts. "Forget about it." He echoes quietly. "I think that's what she would've feared most."

Tony keeps his eyes on the road but I look at him, taking in his words. My eyes water as I think about Hannah and what she would have wanted. It seemed cruel to me but I hadn't heard her story and a deeper, angrier part of me wanted these people to hear and own up to whatever they did. Hannah's voice had been silenced too many times. I remember how kids were cruel to her and she had tried so hard to be brave. I myself had let her down. I was her big sister. I was supposed to look out for her, to save her and I didn't. So in a way, I had to do this. Because I owed her.

Taking a while to compose myself, I take a deep breath and sit up a little straighter. "Press play." I instruct Tony, who gives me a confused look. "It's okay."

"Meg-"

I hold my hand up, stopping him. "Press play." I say firmly, trying convey what I was thinking in my voice and face.

After giving me a long and unsure look, Tony finally presses play and we listen to the story of how words and actions can slowly break a soul into a million pieces.