Blanket content warning: suicidal ideation, self-loathing, and a little bit of murder, all played for comedy and/or drama depending on the situation.

Also, I've written a prologue one-shot to this story, Jebać Scenę w Maszynowni Maczetami. It's not required reading, but if you find the barebones set-up of the original lacking, it's worth looking into.

2020-11-24 edit: assorted touch-ups

Technically, our story begins in April of an unspecified year. But you already know how it goes for the most part, so let's skip a few months ahead, to where it deviates from what you've heard.

An angry manchild, kneeling defeated in front of a group of vigilantes he betrayed half a month earlier.

A copy of him, as perceived by the villain of this story, stepping in and loudly proclaiming the original would've been disposed of anyway, so it might've just skipped to that part.

And a certain rash blonde, who, with a battle cry of "Fuck that!", pulled out a shotgun and emptied it in the copy.

Now, obviously, that wasn't enough to take him down. But when all the other Phantom Thieves followed suit, the cognitive Goro Akechi didn't even get to think about a counterattack. Haru Okumura then proceeded to deal the killing blow with her axe.

Huh, the real Akechi thought before passing out.

Everything hurt.

Which meant he was somehow still alive.

He slowly opened his eyes and allowed his vision to refocus. He was lying on a couch, in his usual beige suit, and managed to identify the spots of colours surrounding him as his attic. Of course, where else would they take him? He turned his head and noticed someone sitting on a chair opposite him. He squinted and recognized the other person as the Okumura kid.

"Oh, you're awake," Haru said, disinterested. "I do not know where he gets that medicine, but it works wonders."

"Is this purgatory?" the detective slowly sat up, unbothered by his wrists tied in front of him. "I do not expect heaven, and there's not enough fire and brimstone for it to be the other place."

"No, you are alive and well," the princess explained. "After you lost consciousness, the rear guard carried you around until we localized the Treasure, and then we got you out and back to Leblanc. You've been unconscious since then."

"And 'then' was…?"

"Yesterday."

Akechi clumsily attempted to pull out a cellphone from his pocket, and the rich kid quickly swiped it out of his hands.

"Don't panic, I just wanted to check the time and notifications."

"8:12 PM, six messages from Shido." Haru tapped the screen. "Asking you where you are and threatening to, quote, 'deal with a loose end' if you do not murder someone he mentioned earlier." A faint smirk appeared on her face. "The last one's a barely coherent rant."

"We have already established he would've gotten rid of me anyway, so he can bite my shiny metal briefcase. Can I walk around a bit and stretch?"

"Yes, but do not try anything funny, or else."

He got up and started marching around the attic. After a moment of awkward pause, he finally asked. "So, when are you going to steal Shido's heart?"

"The others are doing it right now."

He froze mid-step and turned to her. "…wait, what?"

Haru giggled ominously in response. "It's all over the news, you can go downstairs and see."

Akechi ran down, tripped on the last step, and, unable to cushion the landing with his hands, landed flat on his face. "Oh, you're awake." Sojiro growled. He stepped from behind the counter and lifted him back to a standing position by his collar.

"-lieved to have committed suicide in police custody, has been allegedly present during the statement made by the group," the newscaster read out. "The police spokesperson has claimed that their computer security specialists are trying to find the source of the broadcast emitted by the hijackers, and refused to answer further questions…"

"Huh, they went all-out with this one…" the detective mumbled.

"You can speak up, I'm up to date on the events," the barista said. "And frankly, I do not understand why they bothered to save you."

"That makes two of us." He sat by the counter, and Haru sat in a booth behind him, watching him intently. "Are you still serving curry, sir?"

Sojiro gave him a disapproving stare, but decided that he wasn't going to deny food to someone who hadn't eaten in a day, murderous bastard or not. He turned towards the stovetop to heat the meal up.

"There is no need to be distrustful," Akechi said.

"Au contraire," Haru replied. "You have demonstrated both irrational hatred towards the group and willingness to fight even when outnumbered and outmatched."

After trying to come up with a good retort to that and failing, the detective just muttered "Fair." Beat. "Could I be untied? It's hard to eat with restrained wrists."

Haru ostentatiously grabbed a sharp knife from the drying rack, to Akechi's utter indifference. She freed him with a careless cut and he rubbed his wrists before reaching for his wallet. "How much for that?"

"Don't be ridiculous."

"I feel like I should pa-"

The entrance to the cafe was slammed open. The trio turned towards the sound and noticed three serious-looking men in black suits. "Search the place," the leader commanded.

The detective got off his chair, blocking the way. "What's the matter?" he asked, innocently.

The leader recognized him. "Akechi?"

"Ooh, fans of mine," he put on a genuine-looking smile. "Could we talk outside for a moment?"

The detective and the goons walked out of Leblanc.

"What are you doing here?"

"Shido sent me ahead to watch this place after I had offed the Phantom Thieves' leader, just in case," the detective said in a conspiratorial tone. "He's not stupid, he didn't come back here. You could go ahead and search the place, and then you can go and tell the boss you've wasted an entire evening."

"What about the owner?" the leader glanced at the barista through the glass door. "We could try and interrogate him."

"Or detain him 'provisionally', to get the Thieves to turn themselves in," his lackey added.

"It won't work," Akechi shot him down. "The guy knows nothing, and the Thieves will just dismiss him as collateral. I've infiltrated them before, they're sociopaths. They can barely stand each other-"

"Alright then, ace detective," one of the agents in the back growled, "if you 'infiltrated' them, tell us something useful. Like the address of their current hideout."

"Since you asked so nicely…" He pulled out a note block and wrote something on the top page. "They have rented something out under a fake name a few months back. The leader has a few go-to pseudonyms, and he changes them a lot." He ripped the page out and handed it to the head goon. "I assume that's where their base of operation is now."

He stared at the address for a moment, before glancing back at the detective. "Alright. And what are you gonna do?"

"Go back there and get the meal I paid for, I'm starving. Call me if something pops up."

"Okay, we'll stay in touch."

The group marched away. Akechi turned on his heel and returned to the cafe.

"And?" Sojiro looked at him expectantly.

"They just wanted an autograph."

"Hilarious," Haru growled. "What did you tell them?"

The smile on Akechi's face turned a bit more genuine. "The address of the Phantom Thieves' secret hideout."

"And where that 'hideout' is?"

He reached for his phone. "Wakō, near the Fukutoshin terminus. It's far away, but not too far for them to doubt my story. I should have an hour or so before they'll try to get in touch with me." He removed the battery cover and pulled out his SIM card. "Where's the trash can?"

Sojiro pointed it out, and Akechi almost nailed the throw. "If you pulled rank like that, couldn't you just tell them to stand down?" Haru piped up.

"I didn't pull rank, I just lied and hoped Shido hadn't burned me already. It's the best I could do. How about that curry, sir?"

"Dammit!" Sojiro turned back to the stovetop and tried to scrape the burnt bits from the bottom of the pan.

Akechi turned to Haru. "You need to get in touch with the Phantom Thieves and warn them about this. Joker should sleep elsewhere tonight."

"Same goes for Futaba," Sojiro added. "I'll stay behind. If I disappear too, they'll find it suspicious."

"That's risky, Boss."

He sighed. "Stealing the heart of Japan's top politician is risky. Wasting some corrupt stooges' time is just the least I can do." He glanced at Akechi. "And what will you do?"

"Take the food to go, if possible."

"Stop with the smartassery, kid," Sojiro growled, reaching for the plastic container. "You have no protection, you've outlived your usefulness to the conspiracy, and you'll soon be as much of a wanted man as the Thieves. What's your plan for the future?"

"I…" Akechi found himself at a loss of words, for the first time that night, "…I'll figure it out as I go. Get out of your hair, get a hotel room, stay inside for a week or so, and see what happens next."

Haru got up. "I'm going with you."

"You want to shoot me in a dark alleyway or something?" the detective also stood up, and grabbed a takeaway bag. "Or is that a pity thing? Because you can stick it up yo-"

"You're a dangerous criminal that cannot be left unsupervised," she interrupted him, bitter. "I want to keep my eye on you."

"I also have no reason to commit more crimes or even oppose the Phantom Thieves in any way, but whatever lets you sleep at night." He marched to the exit. "I'll get you a room next to mine."

"I'll call Futaba if something happens." Sojiro pointed at Haru, "You, good luck," and at Akechi, "And you…" He paused, trying to come up with something polite to say. "And you, don't get the others in even more trouble."