Chapter Three: As You Are
Right from the start
You were a thief you stole my heart
And I your willing victim
I let you see the parts of me
That weren't all that pretty
And with every touch you fixed them
Now you've been talking in your sleep oh oh
Things you never said to me oh oh
Tell me that you've had enough
Of our love, our love
Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
Dean played the last line on his guitar and the crowd at the club clapped loudly. He'd just finished a six song set, and he had been unsure about the P!nk song, as he wasn't usually a fan of hers, but Cas had insisted, and it turned out his husband had been right. Dean thanked the crowd and got off the stage, after putting his guitar in the case. Before he could go and join Cas, his husband had came up to him, and was hugging him tightly, and pressing his lips to Dean's passionately. All he could do was kiss back, putting the arm not holding the guitar case around Cas' waist.
"Hey, we're in public." Dean teased breathlessly as Cas pulled back to breathe. "Come on, I need a drink." His voice was a little hoarse from the singing. But he was glad that he'd done this. No one else had been able to come, the only night Dean could get was a Thursday, and that wasn't that convenient for anyone else. Dean was disappointed about that, but he was also glad at the same time. It meant it was just him and Cas. Claire was watching her younger siblings, and they hadn't had a lot of time to themselves in the last month or so. John was almost recovered enough to go back to his own place, and Dean had to admit, he was a little bummed that John wouldn't be in the house anymore.
Grabbing Dean's hand tightly, Cas said, "I'll take your guitar out to the car, and you go ahead and order us something." Cas said, kissing him once more and then taking the guitar and heading out to Dean's car. After the guitar was safely locked away, he went to head back inside. On his way, though, a tall man stopped him. He wasn't just tall, he was also built like a linebacker. "Can I help you?" Cas asked, trying to keep the nervousness out of his voice. He also was fully aware of his Brit accent, and how out of place in Texas that it was.
"I've got someone waiting for me inside." Cas said, somehow thinking that saying it was his husband wasn't a good idea. This man seemed a bit brutish and he was wearing a cowboy hat. Cas made a mental note to have Dean wear his when they had sex tonight, assuming he got out of this situation, of course. "You shouldn't have come outside on your own, babe." The man said, and Cas was surprised to find that he had a Brit accent as well. Cas froze. "What?" He asked, he was now officially scared. He prayed that when he didn't come back Dean would come looking for him.
"You heard me." The man said, and moving almost as quick as lightning, had Cas pushed up against the club wall, and one hand was over Cas' mouth. He was unbuttoning Cas' jeans with his other hand. Cas was completely immobile, and he couldn't even bite the man's hand. He had Cas' cock worked out of his jeans within seconds, and got his own jeans off and was sliding roughly into Cas' entrance. Cas cried out against his hand, and couldn't believe that this was happening.
It was over almost as soon as it happened, and the man whispered in Cas' ear. "That was for Balthazar." He said, and took off. Cas was frozen there, and as he was trying to move to get himself put back together, Dean came outside. "Dean." Cas said, his eyes filling with tears. Dean crossed to him, cursing. He helped Cas put himself back in his jeans, and then his shaking hands pulled out his phone to call the police. Cas leaned against him, burying his head in Dean's neck, crying. He hadn't been able to stop it. It had happened all over again, it was just like high school, and he felt like he might pass out.
"It's going to be okay, baby." Dean said, wrapping his arm around Cas tightly, as he waited for someone to answer the phone. When they did, he told them his husband had been raped in the parking lot of the club they were at, and they needed to send someone. As soon as he mentioned the name 'Winchester' he was told they'd be there in ten minutes or so. Dean thanked them and hung up, with his free hand sliding his phone back in his pocket. "Cas… are you…. I'm so sorry. If I was just a minute sooner.." He said, clutching Cas closer.
Trembling, Cas shook his head. "This isn't your fault. It was… it was someone connected to Balthazar." He said, his voice barely above a whisper. Dean cursed again, and Cas clutched him like he wasn't ever going to see him again. Cas couldn't stop shaking. He didn't know why this had to happen, things had been going so much better. And now this. He knew he was safe now, because Dean would never let anything happen to him, but he still didn't feel safe. He felt like he was never going to feel safe again.
Ten minutes later, a bus and the cops had arrived. Dean insisted that Cas go to the hospital to get checked out, and the cops could question him there. Cas agreed, because the man hadn't used a condom. Dean growled in his throat at that, and moved over to the ambulance, and helped Cas inside. Cas had worked himself into a panic attack, and they were giving him a sedative in an IV as they took off for the hospital.
It took about three hours before they were released to go home, between the rape kit and the cops asking Cas things over and over until they were sure they had enough to go on to go and look for the rapist. Dean was of the mind they weren't going to find him, it was going to end up that he'd come after them again and that's when they were going to catch him. Dean wasn't going to let anything else happen to Cas or anyone else in his family, Good thing he had several guns at his disposal. Dean pulled out his phone to call Sam, so they could go and get his car from the club.
Sam answered his phone, it was one am. "Dean, this better be an emergency." He grumbled as he moved to sit up, he didn't want to wake Jo, who was dead to the world after finally getting their child to sleep. He froze on his way out of the bedroom as Dean told him it was, Cas had been raped and they needed a ride back to Baby from the hospital. "Holy shit." Sam said, a little more loudly than he'd intended, but thankfully, Jo didn't move. Sam stepped over to the closet to grab some clothes. "I'll be right there, let me get dressed." He told Dean, and they hung up.
His brother in law had been raped again? Sam grabbed some jeans and a flannel and put them on and scribbled a note for Jo, just in case. Then he hurriedly went down to go out to his car. This was unbelievable, even though he knew it was more likely that you'd be a victim of sexual abuse again once you already had been. Sam just hoped that Cas was okay, and he was seething. Things had finally been good. Dean had had his gig tonight. And now it was always going to be the night Cas got raped.
Dean was sitting with Cas on the bed, they'd been discharged, just waiting for Sam to show. Dean had told him what room. He had his arm around Cas' waist, and his husband's head was buried in his neck. Dean really didn't know how this could have happened. Even though his mind knew it wasn't his fault, he was blaming himself. This is when Jodi poked her head in the room. "Hey, Jode." Dean said, surprised to see her. Maybe one of the cops had called her when they found out it was Cas. "We're just waiting for Sammy to get here." Dean said, Cas lifting his head long enough to say hello to Jodi and then burying it back in Dean's neck.
Before Jodi could reply, another officer came in behind her, grinning. "Dean!" Garth Fitzgerald the IV said, and Dean grinned back. "So good to see you man, despite the circumstances." Garth said, shaking Dean's hand, so Dean didn't have to get up or move and cause Cas to have to move. "We know they already talked to you, but we wanted to check and make sure you guys were okay." Garth said, pulling up a chair. He and Dean had gone to school together, and they'd sort of lost touch. But they'd never been warring or anything.
Dean sighed. Cas had stopped sniffling and he was pretty sure he was asleep. They'd drugged him with another sedative after the first had worn off, and he had been given a script for more. Dean tilted his head carefully, yeah, Cas was dead to the world. He turned back to Jodi and Garth. "We're… we're physically okay. But as far as mentally… I have no idea. Cas is… he seems to be in shock about it. I… I was a minute too late in checking on him… if I hadn't I could have stopped the guy. But Cas said it was over pretty quickly." He told them the connection to Balthazar part.
Leaning back in her chair, Jodi sighed too. "I can't believe this. We thought we were done with him, he's gone. Dead. I can't believe that there's anyone even still working to get revenge for him." She looked at Cas, who was snoring lightly. "I'm so sorry that he had to go through this again. And this isn't on you, Dean. Sometimes things happen and we can't stop them. Doesn't mean that it's your fault." Jodi said, but she knew that it was going to sound hollow to him. She also knew that the ramifications were going to be numerous and that it was going to seem like the end of the world, and that again, would make Dean think it was his fault when nothing he did could take away Cas' pain.
"Dean, I'm going to tell you something, and I want you to listen. Really listen." She said, and Dean looked at her. "I mean it, kiddo." She added, and he sighed but gave her a slight nod. "You are not to blame yourself for this. Under any circumstances. And if you think you aren't doing enough to help Cas, you probably are. There isn't much that can be done in these things to make the pain go away, that's the kind of thing that only goes away with time." She kept her eyes on his green ones, which had started to well up with tears a bit.
"Just be there for him, sweetheart."
His chin trembled, he'd been so focused on being there for Cas that it was kind of just hitting him, and he started to cry. He reached up with his free hand to wipe his eyes. "I just… he's been through this once before. I can't… I already hate that he had to go through this, and now it's happened again? And I… I can't do anything to take that pain away, Jode, you're right." Dean said, his voice was shaking as he spoke. "I just…. I hate to see him like this. Helpless." Dean also knew that for awhile Cas was going to be out of it, with the pills they'd given him. He tried to calm down and could feel himself starting to panic a little.
As soon as Jodi had taken his hand, he was starting to calm down. She told him it was going to be okay, and Dean barely heard her with the ringing in his ears. But he nodded, and accepted the tissue Garth handed him and wiped his eyes. This is when Sam arrived, and more hellos were exchanged. Dean gave Sam the details, and reluctantly woke Cas up. "Come on, baby, we have to go home. Sam's gonna give us a ride back to the car." Dean said, lifting Cas' weary chin to kiss him softly. Dean knew he couldn't carry Cas' dead weight out to Sam's truck.
Saying goodbye to Jodi and Garth, Sam, Dean, and Cas went slowly out to Sam's truck. Cas was still half asleep, and leaning heavily on Dean. That's where the slow part came in. Dean sighed and tugged Cas closer. "Just a bit more, baby." He said, pressing a kiss to Cas' cheek. Cas mumbled a reply but managed to pick up his feet a bit more. As soon as they were seated in the truck though and he was leaned up to Dean, he fell asleep once more.
Sam started up the truck and moved to pull out onto the road. "Dean, I can't… I can't even imagine what you guys must be going through." He said, it had started to rain and he turned on the wipers. "Is he okay?" He asked, knowing that he wasn't going to be for a long time. "I mean, I know that something like this could happen to him again, once you've been a victim your chance of it happening again is high… but still. It's… we were finally in a relatively good place." Sam said, shaking his head. "And that it was someone connected to Balthazar…." This was the part that was the most surprising. It had been long enough that they thought they were done and over with that part.
"And this isn't even remotely your fault."
Dean made sure Cas was truly sleeping before he answered. "He's physically okay. And we should get the test results back on the rape kit within the week." He said, hating that he even had to say those words. "Dude didn't wear a condom." He said, and Sam sucked in a breath. "I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to help him feel better. And I know that he won't. Not for awhile. This is gonna bring up all the feelings from the first time it happened. And I hate that. I hate that I won't be able to really do anything to help him." It was making him feel helpless too.
When they got back to Dean's car, his phone rang. It was Claire, she was checking in. In all the madness, he'd forgotten to let her know when they'd be home. Sam helped Cas in the Impala so Dean could answer her. "Hey, Claire. I'm sorry I didn't call. We're on our way home now." The club was still open, and Dean could hear music from the open windows. He also knew she was going to be able to tell something was wrong by the tone of his voice. He wasn't always so good at hiding it. "You should be in bed anyway, you've got school in the morning, kiddo."
"What happened, Dad?" Claire asked immediately, she'd fallen asleep on the couch a couple of hours ago, and had been surprised to wake up and find her parents not home yet. Claire was a little groggy but hearing her father's tone, she knew something was wrong. "I know something's wrong. Just tell me what it is." She said, and kind of went numb when Dean told her what had happened. "Oh Dad…." She said, her eyes welling with tears. He told her they'd be home in a half an hour, and she was just supposed to go right up to bed, they could talk the next day.
She hated to agree, but they hung up and she moved to make sure the porch light was on, that the door was locked, and then headed up to her room. On her way to the bedroom, she ran into Ben in the hallway. "What are you doing up, little brother?" Claire asked, sometimes she called him that just to get on his nerves. It was a holdover from when he'd insisted that she wasn't his family and Cas wasn't his dad. She folded her arms. "You should be in bed."
"I know Dad and Cas aren't home." Ben said, he'd not been able to get to sleep, and when it had passed the time that they would have gotten home, he'd started to worry. Ben looked at her, she wasn't giving anything away. "Also…. I couldn't… I couldn't sleep." He'd been thinking about Jesse. "Can I ask you something?" He asked, he knew Claire was a lesbian and might be able to help him with his issues about Jesse. Ben really liked him, and he really wanted to figure out if he should try and ask him out or not. Ben hadn't been able to stop thinking about him, and he was starting to think that maybe he was bisexual. Or gay. He couldn't remember the last time he'd had a crush on a girl.
When Claire gave him a curious nod, Ben took a deep breath. "Well, I think I have a crush on a guy." Ben said, brushing his hand over his brown hair. His eyes were deep green, just like Dean's.
"Seriously?" She asked, and he nodded again. "So you want to know if you should ask him out or not?" She asked, and he blushed as he nodded again. "Well, I don't know why you're asking me and not Dad or Daddy, but if you really have a crush on him, you have to speak up. Because you can't just not speak up. I know that it's scary, but you will regret it if you don't. You have to try. And there's nothing wrong with you if you are gay, by the way. I know that there's a lot of people who panic and freak out about having feelings for someone of the same sex. But you aren't wrong. And no one I know who's come out has regretted it."
As he absorbed this, there was the noise of the front door opening. Claire looked at Ben. "Don't go down there, okay? I talked to Dad, he said that we're just supposed to go to bed and we'll talk in the morning." She saw his eyes widen a bit. "Something happened, but I can't tell you what." She said, and he nodded and for once did what she said and went back to his room. She went to her own, and wished that she could do something to make her father feel better. She didn't know how it felt from experience, but she also knew that he did and he wasn't going to take this easily.
The next morning, Dean's phone woke him up. He grumbled, it was only seven thirty and he hadn't gotten to sleep until four. He'd gotten Cas in bed as soon as they'd gotten home at one thirty and he'd fallen straight to sleep. Dean groggily answered it, not checking who it was first. He heard Claire downstairs, making sure Ben and Frankie had breakfast, and he made a mental note to make sure and reward her somehow. It was John. He must have heard about Cas. "Hey, Dad." Dean mumbled, and decided as long as he was up he could go and check on Jamie, who was probably waking up right about now. He headed out into the hall.
"Dad, I swear, I was going to tell you." Dean said, after John had harangued him a bit about not texting him at least. "And Dad, you don't know how to text." Dean said, rubbing his eyes as he got into the nursery, Diana had slept there the night before, and she was laying on the floor by the crib. Dean smirked and peeked in at his son, who was indeed awake and wanting "Up, Up." Dean said, "Dad, I'll call you back in a bit, I swear. I'm gonna go and get Jamie some breakfast, okay?" He was relieved when John said he would answer and Dean hung up, putting the phone in his pj bottoms' pocket. Then he leaned down to pick up Jamie.
"Morning, kiddo." He said, as Jamie immediately wrapped his arms around Dean's neck. Moving slowly, he went down the stairs, it was almost Jamie's first birthday. Dean had already gone overboard with the presents. "Please tell me there's coffee." He said, as he settled Jamie in his high chair. Frankie was finishing up the biggest bowl of Cocoa Puffs Dean had ever seen, and Ben had chosen frozen waffles. Dean got out some baby food and moved to feed it to Jamie, as Claire moved to get him a cup of coffee. Dean opened the peaches and was going to feed Jamie with it until he reached out and grabbed it to feed himself. Dean held up his hands and let him.
Claire knew they couldn't talk in front of Frankie and Jamie, so she just asked, "Did Daddy get to sleep okay?" She handed him the cup of coffee, she knew how he liked it. She could also tell that he hadn't really slept himself. Claire didn't know what to say, and she hadn't been able to get to sleep well herself.
Before Dean could answer, Cas came in, looking groggy. "Dean, go back to bed, sweetheart. I know you didn't sleep." He said, taking the mug of coffee from him. Dean gave him a relieved look and went back upstairs. Cas kissed him on the way out and then moved to open the other jar of baby food for Jamie, and handed it to him. He moved to add some cream and sugar to the coffee and took a sip, and then got out some Cheerios. "You guys should get going, school." He said, and met Claire's eyes. She nodded and moved to get Frankie going, she was already dressed and was done with her cereal. He poured some of the Cheerios into his bowl and then met Ben's eye, his son was looking at him. Jamie was immersed in his baby food and didn't seem to notice anything else.
"Go to school, Ben." Cas said, his voice quiet. He didn't doubt that Ben knew something was going on with the look that he gave him, but Cas wasn't going to discuss it right now. Cas kept his eyes on Ben's, who didn't move immediately to obey him. "Ben, you're going to be late." He said, standing to get the milk out of the fridge. When Ben still didn't move, Cas gave him a sharp look. "Benjamin Cole Winchester, go to school. Claire is waiting to drive you." His tone wasn't angry but very firm.
Ben stood slowly. "Is someone sick?" He asked, slinging his book bag over his shoulder. "You guys were really late and Claire told me that she couldn't tell me what was going on. And I know that something is. You look like you got beat up and Dad looked like he didn't get any sleep at all." Ben said, he didn't know if Cas was going to actually answer him, but he also knew that he had to ask. Ben watched his stepfather's face, he seemed surprised that Ben had any idea that something was wrong. "You don't have to tell me what it is, but just tell me no one's sick. I can't… we almost lost Grampa. I can't lose anyone else."
That's when Cas knew he was also thinking of his mother. It hadn't been that long to him, and Cas knew that Ben had taken that extremely hard. Cas sighed and put the milk next to his bowl of cereal. "No one is dying, Ben, but that doesn't mean that someone isn't sick." He said, looking at him. "Just not physically. Okay?" He said, and Ben nodded slowly. "Just go to school, I promise, everything is going to be alright." He knew he couldn't promise that and mean it, but he also didn't want to go into what happened with him. Ben watched him a moment longer, and when Claire yelled out for him to get a move on, and said bye and left the kitchen.
Cas watched him go, not really sure what they were going to tell him when he found out, it was possibly going to be on the news if it hadn't already. Cas was starting to get some notoriety as an author, and it could very well be out there already.
Later that afternoon, Dean woke again to his cell phone ringing. Grumbling, he moved to answer. This time, it was the kids' school. "Hello, Dean Winchester." He said, wondering who was in trouble. There was the kids' principal on the other end, telling him that Claire had gotten in trouble for fighting. After Dean was inwardly proud of her for winning, he said that he would be down there as soon as he had gotten dressed and hung up. After he'd thrown on some clothes, he went downstairs to grab a soda to have on the way. Cas was in the living room, working on his laptop, Jamie asleep in his playpen.
"Cas, baby? You okay?" Dean asked immediately, going to sit next to him on the couch. There were no marks on his face to give away his attack, but there were on his stomach. Dean wasn't surprised when Cas hugged him tightly, burying his head in Dean's shoulder. "Hey, it's okay. You're safe." Dean said, wrapping his arms around Cas' waist. Dean was quiet for a moment, letting Cas hug it out, but then he had to tell him. "Cas, I have to go to the school, Claire got in trouble for fighting." He knew Cas would want to go, but Dean didn't want to have to take Jamie with them. He also knew that they'd probably tried Cas first, and he hadn't answered because he was working. That was something that he tended to do.
Cas lifted his head then, but didn't let go of Dean. "Did they tell you why?" He asked, and Dean shook his head. "Maybe I should go. You could stay here and watch Jamie." Cas said, although he really wasn't up for going to see anyone, despite him being Claire's father. Cas brushed his hand through his hair, and Dean told him he would go. Cas sighed and wiped his eyes, having to let go. Dean brushed his hand through Cas' hair, and his eyes shut automatically. He loved having Dean's hands in his hair. "I just don't know that I can handle it."
Brushing his lips over Cas', Dean said, "It's fine, baby. You know Claire, she probably had a good reason to be fighting in the first place. It's gonna be okay. Depending on what they tell me I'll pick up some fries or something." He said, and kissed him once more. "You want anything while I'm out? I'll drop off your prescription, make sure it's filled." Dean told him, and Cas nodded. He told Dean he wanted some ice cream, as much as Dean could carry, and after kissing him once more Dean promised him he would get him some.
Then he left, reluctantly, leaving Cas with his laptop once more.
When he got to the high school, which was actually all on the same property that the middle school and the primary school were on, he was a bit curious as to what they were going to tell him about Claire. He headed inside, and had had to get some help in finding the office, he'd never had to go before. Claire was a good kid. That's why Dean was thinking she had a good reason. He went inside and was waved right back, Claire was already in the office. Dean stepped inside, and shook the principal's hand. "I'm Dean Winchester, Claire is my daughter." He said, he never said "step" or "adopted". He also didn't let Cas say so when referring to Ben either.
"Mr. Winchester, your daughter got into a fight with three different girls." The principal told him, her name was Debra Fisher. "We had to break them up and she didn't want to stop fighting." She said, and Dean looked at Claire, who shrugged her shoulders. "She wouldn't tell us why, she insisted that she wouldn't say anything until you got here."
Dean looked at Claire then, and she was quiet before she answered. "They said Daddy deserved to get raped because he's gay." She said, and Dean's eyes widened. He turned back to Mrs. Fisher. "You want to punish my daughter because she was defending her father?" He asked, turning his angry gaze on her. "My husband does not deserve to get violated because he's married to a man." Dean said, his tone turning a bit angry. He couldn't believe that people were even still thinking that. He hated that about this world, it was the 21st century for crying out loud.
"No, no one is saying that, Mr. Winchester." Mrs. Fisher insisted. She turned to look at Claire. "You should have told us that they were bullying you." She said, and then looked back at Dean. "I will make sure that the children in question are severely punished. I don't want any trouble with you." She said this, and Dean knew it was because of who he was and who Cas was. She knew that he would definitely make a stink if something wasn't done. Dean kept his green eyes on her, a bit defiantly. "I am sorry, Mr. Winchester, believe me, if I had known the nature of the fight I would not have put Claire in any kind of negative light." She paused. "But we still have to suspend her for three days, we have a no tolerance policy on fighting."
Dean looked at Claire, and then back at the principal. "You better punish those other girls more than you are my daughter. Because if you don't, I will be back here. And I will make sure that everyone important in town knows that you let bullies who are homophobic bully my daughter. She is also gay." Dean said, he was sure Claire wouldn't mind because it was pretty much common knowledge about her and Julie. The principal met his eye and nodded. Dean stood, and Claire followed him out. They didn't speak until they had reached the Impala.
"I'm not even going to pretend you shouldn't have been fighting." Dean said, shaking his head as they got inside the car. "But you should think twice next time. Especially on school grounds." He said, and Claire nodded. "It's not that I'm not proud of you for sticking up for your father. Because I am. And we both know that what they said was wrong. But you gotta think of what the consequences will be for you if you get in a fight like that. You didn't deserve to be suspended, for instance."
As they took off out of the parking lot, Claire sighed. "I know, Dad. I should have tried to grab a teacher or something. They just wouldn't let up." She said. She brushed her hand through her long blonde hair. "I don't like anyone saying anything like that about either one of you." She said, and Dean nodded. She looked at him as they turned down the street the pharmacy and the grocery store was on. "Dad, how's Daddy? Is he okay?" Claire was angry. She was angry that he'd gotten attacked like that. And she knew it could happen to anyone, but the fact that it was because of Balthazar's goons really made her crazy. They were supposed to be done with all of that.
"Are we in danger, Dad?"
The fact that she had to ask that really irked his anger. Dean looked at her as they stopped at a stop light. "No, Claire, we are not in danger. I will not let anything happen to any of you. We will take care of this. Jodi will make sure we're safe." Dean told her. Dean sighed. "I don't want you to worry about that. Just trust me and you'll be okay." He said, and Claire nodded. In no time at all, Dean had picked up Cas' medication, the ice cream, and some pizza. It was lunchtime and he was starving. Dean pulled into the driveway and they headed inside.
Jamie was awake and crawling all over the living room. As soon as he saw his father, he wanted "Up, up!" Dean handed the pizza off to Claire, who managed to juggle it with the ice cream and pills, and went into the kitchen. Dean reached down and picked up Jamie, and Cas moved to greet him as well. Dean kissed him and they all headed into the kitchen. Dean bounced Jamie on his hip. "We got some pizza, because I'm starved. And you have to eat with your medication." Dean told him, as Claire put away the three cartons of ice cream and put some paper plates on the table. Dean got some sodas out, and put them on the table one handed. Jamie was hanging on tightly, and he knew that he wasn't going to be able to put him down. So he sat down at the table with the baby on his lap, reaching for a plate. Claire filled it with some pizza for him before she sat down to get her own.
Cas got Jamie out a bottle and handed it to him before he sat down to get his own pizza. He read the bottle of tranquilizers before he got one out, and took it with his soda before he filled his plate. "So Claire, what were you fighting with other kids about?" His expression soured when she told him what the other girls had said. He looked at her. "I love that you were sticking up for me, but Claire, you can't let yourself get suspended like that." He said. Cas filled his plate with pizza. After he'd taken a bite, he looked at Dean.
"I heard from the hospital, they rushed the tests." He said, and Dean sucked in a breath. "I'm clean." He said, and Dean let the breath out in relief. Cas wiped his mouth with a napkin. "I'm so relieved. I was worried." Cas had been. He really didn't want to get an STD. Especially because he didn't want to pass it on to Dean without knowing it. Not that he was going to be ready to have sex any time soon. He wasn't. Only because this was bringing up all the feelings he'd had from the last time this had happened. Cas had honestly thought he was doing better with it, and maybe he had been, but this was setting him right back where he'd been in high school.
Reaching out and squeezing his arm, Claire said, "That's great, Daddy." She was quiet for a moment. "Ben's probably going to talk to you about things. He knows something is going on, and he has something going on himself." She said, and they both looked at her, even Jamie, with his mouth wrapped around his bottle. "I can't tell you what it is, but it's nothing bad." She was quick to tell them. She couldn't out Ben, even if she knew they would understand and not say anything until he said something to them. She just couldn't, not to another member of the community. Even if he'd been completely horrible to her for months. She supposed she got it, even if he had been wrong to do it.
Meeting his husband's eyes, Cas nodded. "Okay. Although he did ask me this morning if anyone was sick. I told him no. Because he was worried about someone dying." Cas said, and Dean let out a breath as he reached for more pizza. Jamie put his empty bottle down on the table, and Dean handed the kid one of his toys that he could play with while sitting on Dean's lap. Cas took another bite of pizza and was quiet while he chewed. "I told him no one was dying. Dean, I think we need to ask him about Lisa. He's still got her on his mind. And he's never really talked to us about how he feels about it."
That wasn't a surprise to Dean. "I will ask him. Or we both can." Dean reached for his soda, and as he did, Jamie squirmed to get down. He placed him carefully on the floor. "Don't go out of sight, Jamie." He said, and the baby looked up at him with an innocent look on his face. Then he just smiled and dragged out his xylophone, and began to play with it. Dean gratefully stood to get another soda. "I didn't want to force him to talk about it, I remember what losing a mother feels like and I didn't want anyone asking me about it, either."
Of course, he'd been four years old. Ben was more than four years old. Dean sat back down. "We'll at least give him the option of talking about it."
Cas nodded, and was lost in his own thoughts. He knew that he was going to have to talk to Dean himself about what he was feeling. He just didn't know what he was going to say. Cas knew that Dean didn't really know how to be there for him. He wasn't going to blame him for that. He'd never been through it. Cas knew though that he was going to do his best to be what Cas needed though. He knew that Dean was also going to do his damnedest to make sure that none of them were hurt again. And Cas really had to believe that he could do it. Cas wasn't going to stop feeling scared anytime soon. The guy was still out there and Dallas was a huge place.
That evening, after the kids were in bed, they were cuddled on the couch, watching How I Met Your Mother reruns. Dean had just gotten off the phone with John, he'd realized he'd never called him back and he had wanted to just rip that bandaid off while he could. Cas was wrapped in Dean's arms, and Dean was holding him a little tighter than he might have any other time. Dean was stroking Cas' arm. "So, are we going to not talk about this?" He asked, turning his head slightly so he could look at his husband. "If you aren't ready, okay. But I want you to know that you don't have to hold anything back with me. I know you know that, but I thought you might need reminded." Dean kind of wanted to talk about it, but he also knew that he couldn't force his husband if he wasn't ready.
"You just need to know that I'll do whatever you need me to do. And you might have to help me, because I don't know what to do to help you. I wish that I did."
Cas leaned up and kissed him softly. "No you don't, baby. Because you'd have to have been through it yourself." He sighed. "I don't really… it's not that I don't want to tell you what I'm feeling, I just can't talk about it right now." He just wanted to enjoy this time with his husband. Cas looked at him. "I don't… I just want to be with you." He said, and Dean nodded. Cas hated that they had all of this to worry about. They shouldn't have to worry about someone being out there to get revenge on them. Cas hated all of that. They'd been through enough in the time they'd been together. Cas' eyes brushed with tears and then buried his head in Dean's chest. He couldn't help it. Thinking about almost losing Dean and then John was hard for him to think about right now.
Letting him cry it out, Dean rubbed Cas' back. He brushed his lips over the top of Cas' head. He didn't know how to fix this, and he hated it. Dean was someone who tried to fix things. And he hated it when he felt helpless. And he knew that Cas did as well. Dean just wished that he could get him to talk about it. He knew that would help a least a little. "It's time for another one of your pills. I'll be right back." Dean said, and kissed him once more before he headed into the kitchen.
Cas watched him go, and wiped his eyes. He knew better than to think what else could go wrong. Because then they'd find out exactly what would.
Author's note: Ya'll can thank all of the Destiel fanart and vids I saw the past week or so for this update. If anyone's still reading, that is. I'm sorry for the graphic rape. I wasn't planning on it at all. It just kind of happened. I did the tag warning thing. I have no idea what will happen next, other than I'm probably going to add Ash as well. I hope that ya'll are hanging in, and I will update ASAP. Especially once I catch up on the episodes, I'm sure.