Chapter Five: Glimpses of the Past
Another month later, and things were starting to settle in at the Winchester house. Cory was sitting on the couch, working on his homework. He was with Claire, who was also working on her homework. Ben was out at Jesse's house, which was a surprise to Cory that he was allowed to do that. He wasn't sure why, but he wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth in case it ever was okay for him to hang out with his boyfriend or girlfriend if he ever got one. Cory looked at Claire, who was only pretending to concentrate on her homework. Jamie was in his playpen, and Frankie was outside playing with Diana and her little friend April from next door.
"What's up with you, Claire?" He asked, reaching for his soda to take a long drink.
When her brother asked her what was wrong, Claire wasn't sure that she could answer that honestly. She didn't want to talk about what was wrong with her. She was still worried about Cas, and she was having trouble with Julie now. Why, she didn't know. She ran her hand over her long blonde hair and looked at him. Cory was pretty cool. He'd adjusted easily to having a set of same sex parents, and siblings that he'd never met. It was better than what Ben had done when he came to live with them. She was just finishing her book report, her first draft. She still didn't know what to say to his question, and he was just looking at her, waiting patiently. That was the annoying part. He was still just waiting patiently. That wasn't exactly the most favorite thing about people in Claire's opinion.
Sighing, she finally spoke. "I don't really want to talk about it." Claire closed the book she'd had to read for her book report and then moved on to her history homework. It was a quiz that would be a practice for the real one at the end of the week. Claire loved history, it was her favorite. She was already counting on getting an A.
This is when Dean got home. He grinned as he saw the kids. He was carrying several bags of groceries, He said, "Hey, kids. You seen your dad?" He asked, and Claire told him he was upstairs asleep. Dean asked them to take a few minutes to put away the groceries, except the burger patties and the french fries, and then headed up to see Cas. Dean changed out of his work clothes into a pair of soft cotton Manchester pj bottoms that Cas had gotten him, with a soft blue Henley. He leaned over Cas on the bed and kissed his cheek.
"Cas, baby, wake up." Dean said, kissing him again and running his fingers softly through Cas' hair.
Yawning and stretching, Cas wondered what time it was. Dean didn't always work a full eight hours, because he didn't have to. Besides their money from Cas' writing, Dean also had a full crew who could work for him. Cas sat up, and reached for the bottle of water and meds sitting on the table next to the bed. He took out six pills out of six bottles, and then swallowed them all with half the bottle. Then he put it down with the lid on and then he looked at Dean. "Hey, baby." He said, and allowed Dean to kiss him, bad breath be damned. Cas yawned again and then ran his hand through his sleep mussed hair. He looked at him. "What time is it?" He asked, his voice groggy from sleep.
"It's four, babe. I thought we could do a cookout before it gets colder this weekend." Dean said, and Cas nodded, rubbing his eyes. Cas looked at Dean. "I love you so much." He said, and reached out to hug Dean tightly to him, and Dean hugging him back just as tightly. Cas shivered as Dean ran his fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck. That felt really good. Cas buried his head in Dean's neck, and started to cry. Why, he wasn't sure. He felt so weird and he didn't like it.
Dean rubbed his back. "Oh, baby don't cry." He told him, he hated to see Cas upset. The last month had been kind of weird as far as Cas was concerned. Dean was doing his best to be there and he still wasn't sure what to do. Dean loved Cas, and he hated that Cas was feeling this way. Maybe he should have Cas talk to John about it. It wasn't the first time it had occurred to him, but it also hadn't seemed like something that Cas was ready for just yet, either. "You think maybe you're ready to talk to Dad about things?" He asked, hoping the answer would be yes. Dean was just doing his best but he somehow knew it wasn't as good as it could be.
"I know I'm not doing a very good job."
At this, Cas pulled back to look into those emerald green eyes that he loved so much. "Dean, no. You are the best husband that anyone could ask for. You know how much I love you. You are doing your best to help me and I don't know what I would do without you. Or anyone in your family." He had no real family of his own anymore, his aunt had passed away and Lord knew Gabriel didn't give a flying rat's ass if he lived or died. And Michael was gone. There was no one. And Cas was kind of relieved about it. He wasn't a Novak any longer. He was a Winchester. And he was so glad to be one. "You haven't had to deal with this as long as I have. It's new for you, You are trying your very best and it is appreciated, I promise you." Cas told him, and then kissed him again, long and slow.
Dean let him kiss him and then he had to pull away. "No, babe, not right now. But I promise, later, I'll give you what you want." Dean told him, and leaned to kiss Cas again softly. "I'm gonna go down and start dinner, I know it's early but I wanna do the burgers outside before it gets dark." Dean couldn't wait for summer, it was still a bit of a ways off and he just wanted to go back to wearing sandals and not having to have a jacket on when he went outside. "I invited Callie, Jo and Sam told me they couldn't come, they just didn't tell me why. But Dad and Jodi might stop by, they're having a date I guess tonight." Dean was of the mind that they'd make a great couple.
This is when Claire hollered up the stairs. "Dad, it's Ash, he's here." Dean wondered what Ash wanted. "You should come downstairs, baby, and see the kids. Plus, soon there will be burgers." He wondered what Ash was doing here. It's not like he had anything to say to the guy. Because he didn't. It's not like they were warring, but he knew that Ash had a thing for him, and he knew that Ash wasn't going to stop feeling that way anytime soon. He brushed his hand through his hair. Ever since Ash had been back, he'd been going out of his way to avoid Garth. Which Dean didn't think was very cool. He was pretty ticked off about it.
"Okay, I'm going to go get rid of Ash. You come down when you're ready." Dean told him, and then took the stairs two at a time to get downstairs. Ash was in the kitchen, Claire must have let him in. Dean looked at Claire. "Hon, go and put the burgers on the grill. This won't take long." She nodded and he looked at Ash. "What the fuck are you doing here? I know you've been ignoring Garth, and I know why. You can't have me, Ash. I'm married. And you've seen my gaggle of kids. So give it up."
None of this was putting Ash ill at ease. He didn't really care if Dean was angry at him. Ash wasn't trying to get in Dean's pants. He did still have feelings for him, but that didn't mean that he was actively trying to steal Dean from Cas. He knew that Dean wasn't going to believe that, though. He wished that he would, Ash wanted things to be good now that he was back. "I know you think that. That I want you back. But I don't. I won't lie, I do have feelings for you. But that doesn't mean that I'm trying to end your marriage." Ash told him, he'd cut off his mullet and his hair was only shorn to the nape of his neck. He knew that it would be weird for everyone but he personally had liked the breeze of it when he was living in Cali.
Dean looked at him. "You've also been going out of your way to avoid Garth. Why? If you don't want to get back together with him fine, but tell him. Tell him that you want to be single or whatever. He actually has feelings for you, God knows why." Dean said, shaking his head. "Garth is a really good guy. I just can't believe that you're doing this to him. You've never been cruel, Ash. Why are you doing it now? Garth deserves to be with someone who cares about him. And that used to be you." Dean knew that Ash had loved Garth, too. Dean hadn't ever even remotely been gay or bisexual until Cas. So Ash wouldn't have been able to do anything as far as Dean was concerned.
"Would you just drop it? I just came over to see how ya'll were." Ash said, running a hand through his hair. Ash knew that Dean wasn't going to believe that, but it was what the truth was. He looked around. "Ya'll have got a nice place." Ash hadn't actually been to their place. Ash wondered what it must be like to have a family to fill up your huge house. Ash didn't exactly have a family and he was lonely a lot. That's why he had come back to town. He wanted to be around people that knew him, and had used to be his friends. Ash hadn't exactly been in touch with people over the years. He'd gotten too wrapped up in his Apple Life.
Dean folded his arms, and looked back at him. He knew that Claire was watching, and he didn't mind. He knew that something was going on with her and this might be a good distraction. He stepped closer to his old friend, and he knew Ash was probably feeling a bit uncomfortable. Dean was trying to assess if he was lying. Dean had used to be able to tell. "I hope you're telling the truth, Ash. I know we've been friends for a long time. I wouldn't want to be able to lose you as a friend."
As Dean was talking, Cas came down. Dean smiled. "Hey, baby." He said, his tone softer, the one that was reserved only for Cas. Dean pulled Cas to him, and wrapped an arm around his waist. He knew Ash would see it as trying to make sure that he knew that he was taken, but it was mostly because Cas had been weaker lately, due to the not really eating. Dean did his best when he was home. Cas was incredibly depressed, and with him still dealing with the rape, it made sense. He wished for what seemed the millionth time that he could do more.
"Cas. baby, you remember Ash."
When Dean said that, Cas nodded. He set his blue eyes on Ash, who was trying to look as if he was just chill, Cas knew. He leaned into Dean. Cas, ever the polite Brit that he was, asked, "Do you want to stay for dinner, Ash? We're having burgers and fries, I think." Cas would have called them 'chips', but the longer he stayed in Texas, he picked up Americanisms. He never lost his Brit accent though. Which he thought was hilarious, he'd been living in Texas for a long time now. He was broken out of his thoughts when Ash said that would be just fine, and Dean gestured for Ash to proceed them into the kitchen, so he wouldn't notice as much of Cas leaning so heavily on Dean.
Cory had the fries out, getting ready to put them in the oven. Dean only used the fryer on special occasions. "Hey, Dad, Cas." Cory said, he really liked Cas. He was finding it easy to get along with both Dean and Cas. He gestured towards the back patio. "Claire already went out to start the burgers, Dad." Cory said, and he knew that as soon as Dean had helped Cas to a chair, he'd go out and take over. Dean was the king of his barbeque. Cory just knew that was part of being a man. He went to get drinks for Cas and Ash as Dean went outside, and two seconds later, Claire came in.
"You could help with the salad, Claire." Cory said, They already had the fixings to mix up potato salad as well. That was mostly for Callie, she liked it. Cory was humming a Panic at the Disco song as he worked on combining the ingredients in one of the bowls. Claire rolled up her sleeves and got to work with the other bowl. They were never at a lack of food. Dean made sure, especially lately, since Cas wasn't eating like he was supposed to.
Cas looked at Dean's friend. They'd only met a few times since Ash had come back to town. He wasn't sure what to think of him. He had decided however, that Garth deserved better than Ash. Cas had even decided to tell Garth that when he saw him next. Now that he was back, he came over every Friday night and joined them in board games. He usually got drunk with Dean and he ended up staying, passed out on the foldout couch. That Cas didn't mind. Garth was a good guy. And despite the fact that he was a cop, he helped Cas get weed when he needed it.
"So why did you drop by, Ash?" Cas asked, his hands opening the beer Cory got him. He knew the kids were listening. Cas wasn't sure what he could do about that, but he also didn't want Ash to think that he wanted to hide things from the family. He knew that Ash had a thing for his husband.
He opened his own beer, and then he took a long sip of it. "I just wanted to see how ya'll were doing." Ash told him. He knew that Cas didn't really like him, and he knew why. He knew that Cas had taken Garth's side in this whole thing. Which Ash knew he couldn't be upset about. He had gotten back to town and had met Cas first. And Ash knew that Garth was a good guy. Ash felt really guilty for treating him the way that he was. He was just trying to keep Garth from getting hurt. He wasn't good enough for Garth.
Yeah, he had a lot of cash, but Ash also wasn't the best person. He had issues just like everyone else, but he wasn't good at hiding them. Garth was just one of those genuinely nice people who never hid anything from anyone and he was always nice to everyone he met. There weren't really any guys like Garth anymore. And Ash was completely gay. He may have made out with a girl at a party, he couldn't remember all the parties, but it was only under the influence of a substance. He wondered if he should bring up the elephant in the room. The fact that Cas didn't like him. He decided not, he wasn't sure that now was the best time for that.
The front door opened, and Callie came in. "Hello, family. I bring Oreo pie." She said, and Cory and Claire both expressed their pleasure. "Homemade too, I didn't bother with buying them at the store." She put them in the fridge and grabbed herself a soda. She hopped up on the counter by Cory and Claire. She was glad that no one had thought to call them the three Cs, even if Cas could be included since he was a 'C' too. She swiped a carrot stick and took a bite. She looked at Ash then.
"So, you're Ash." Callie sad, wondering what it was that bothered everyone about Ash so much. He seemed pretty cool to her. She sipped her drink and watched him. He seemed to be trying to act cool, but Callie knew that he wasn't cool. That was curious.
He looked at her. "Yeah. I already know you're Callie. John's got pictures of you hanging all over the living room at his place." Ash could tell that pleased her. "I can't imagine what it must have been like to have to wonder what your dad was doing out in the world, and not with you." He said, shaking his head. His own father had died when Ash was too little to remember him. Ash brushed his hand over his hair, and he wondered what Callie was like. He had to think about her and not his father. Ash really got bummed out when he thought about his dad. He didn't like to think about that he never got to know his dad. Ash's father had been a Gulf War veteren, and Ash was just so glad to know that could be proud of him, Ash could never put himself up to go and defend his county. He was too much of a chicken. And then his father had come home and worked two jobs to keep food on the table. Ash was really sad about getting gypped out of getting to know him.
"Don't act like you're trying to play nice." Cas said, surprising them all. Everyone in the room looked at him. His gaze was fixed on Ash. "I know you're in love with my husband. I know that you've been treating Garth like shit. And you shouldn't be. Garth is really good for you. Even if he deserves so much better than you." Cas was gripping the side of the table so hard his knuckles were white. He was so angry and he didn't know how else to keep it in. But he just couldn't. He had to let it out.
"You are not going to get Dean to cheat on me, no matter how hard you try. I know that you think you're going to just be a "friend", but I also know that your subconscious will try. I can't blame you for having feelings for Dean, but I can't be behind you trying to get into his pants." Cas was so mad, and he didn't want to have to apologize for it. He knew that he didn't trust Ash, and he didn't think that he ever would. And he knew what problem that would cause with Dean.
Cas kept his gaze on Ash as Dean came in with a first plate of burgers. Cas knew that Dean could tell the atmosphere had changed. Cas folded his arms, just staring at Ash, daring him to say a word.
"What's going on, babe?" Dean asked, knowing something had happened. He put the plate of burgers on the table, and asked Cory to go out and work the burgers on the grill. Claire, sensing they were about to have a fight, went with her older brother, not wanting to see the fight, Dean assumed. As the sliding door shut behind them, Dean asked, "What's going on?" His tone was a bit firmer than it may have been earlier, since he hadn't been answered. He placed a hand on the back of Cas' chair, so he could stroke the back of his neck calmly, he knew that Cas was pissed off.
That was the question of the day, wasn't it? Cas broke his gaze on Ash in order to look at Dean. "I was just telling Ash that I know he has feelings for you, and that he isn't going to get you to cheat on me." Cas said, and he saw the look Dean wore, of an 'oh my god' expression. Cas knew why Dean had that look. He had been hoping not to make this a "thing". "Ash is not the actor that he thinks he is." Cas reached to fill a plate with potato salad and a burger. Callie was still sitting on the counter, her eyes wide and her face trying to guess what would happen next.
After Dean looked at Callie with a pleading leave, look, she hopped off the counter and went out to join her niece and nephew. Callie and Claire were best friends, and Cory was slowly gaining his way in. They were the Three Musketeers. Always hanging out together. Dean knew that something had happened with Claire and Julie because she had been the third Musketeer before. Then it had been four for a bit, like they'd gotten their D'Artagnan. Then Julie had been gone for a bit. Dean turned back to look at Ash and Cas. This situation was getting stressful.
He was quiet a moment more, trying to decide what to say to what Cas had said. "Okay. Ash, Cas is right. You aren't going to get me to cheat on him." He said, but he honestly didn't believe that that was what Ash had in mind. "And baby, if I know you, you brought up how he's been treating Garth and how upset it makes you." Dean had noticed how quickly Cas and Garth had taken to each other, and he thought it was pretty cool, because he and Garth had been close in high school. Dean had hated losing touch with him. "Ash, Cas and Garth are really close. He's gonna be mad at you until you do something to change that shit."
Having it coming at him from both sides was not what Ash wanted. "Okay, look. I'm gonna go. I don't deserve to have to deal with this." Ash said, and stood. "I'm sorry that you can't let things not be your business." He said, shaking his head. He moved and went down the hall, not letting Dean call him back. He went out the door and then ran into Garth on his way in. "Oh fuck." Ash said, as Garth came to a stop in front of him.
Ash was the last person that Garth had expected to see tonight. He folded his arms. "What the fuck, Ash? If you want to just not be with me, you could just tell me." He said, some of his hair falling over his right eye. He needed a bit of a trim. "I've been trying to get a hold of you. You're acting like a total douche." Garth moved closer, as Ash was trying to sneak around him. "Did you get into a fight with Dean and Cas about something? Is that why you're leaving?"
That was something that Ash didn't want to answer. He sighed. There was no way around this. "I did get into a fight with them. And yes, part of it involved you." Ash said, wishing that there was some way out of this, and he was hoping that there wouldn't be any yelling. Ash ran his hands through his hair, and then put them on his hips. "Garth, you are a great guy. You are. But I don't think it would be fair to you if you and I started up anything." Ash said, and he really needed Garth to believe him. Because he knew how things could be damaged beyond control.
"Look, I'm so sorry that I hurt you. I didn't want to. I'm trying to keep from hurting you more." Ash gave Garth his best pleading gaze.
He knew what look Ash was giving him. Garth wondered if he should let him off the hook. Garth decided to leave him dangling a bit. "I'll think about things, whether we should still be friends." Garth told him, and then stepped around Ash to go into the house. "Hey, fam, I'm here!" Garth said, as he came into the kitchen, finding Dean and Cas kissing. "Hey, guys. Romantic." Garth teased in a semi high voice and they jumped apart, Dean laughing. They hugged and then Garth leaned down to kiss Cas on the cheek. "Hey, darlin." Garth said, moving to sit at the table.
Dean clapped him on the shoulder, and the three kids came back in, carrying the burgers and hot dogs. They'd cooked what they had so the grill was turned off. Dean called everyone to the table, and then went to get Jamie so he could sit in his high chair. "Well if Dad and Jode are coming it's not right now, so we'll go ahead and eat." He put Jamie in his high chair and gave him a hot dog cut up, he was teething and could handle chewing it. He couldn't believe how big he was getting. Dean moved to help Frankie with putting her condiments on her burger.
"Dad said he had to change his plans, Jodi had to meet him a little later. So they won't be by." Callie told her brother, she was putting together her hot dog. She loved burgers but she wanted to start off with one of the franks. They were ballpark and she loved them. She had piled some sauerkraut on it and was now taking a big bite as Cory was putting the fries on the table for those who wanted them. Callie's eyes fell on Jamie, who was happily chewing his own hot dog bite. "I see you, Jamie." She told him, and he giggled around the bite. Callie loved coming over here. She and Claire were sitting together, they were best friends. Callie had never had a friend like Claire. It was really cool that they were niece and aunt but so close in age.
Cas was reluctantly letting Dean put together a burger for him, another, since he'd actually eaten what was on his plate in the first place. Cas knew he was going to be made to eat some of the pie that Callie had brought, too. Cas didn't mind so much about that, he loved chocolate pie. Cas wasn't really keeping too much attention on the conversation, he was thinking about what had just gone down with Ash. And of course, what had happened two months ago. He couldn't stop seeing the guy raping him when he closed his eyes. He couldn't stop, no matter how hard he tried.
He noticed that everyone was having a really good time, especially Frankie. Cas definitely felt that he was bringing down the party. He moved over to fish a beer out of the fridge, even if he shouldn't be drinking on the meds that they had given him. Cas hated that he needed them, but he did. Cas had often thought of taking them all at once and just bowing out. Letting the world go on without him. He knew that he couldn't do that to Dean, though. But he couldn't stop the pain. He had to stop the pain.
Slowly, he found himself standing up and going to the silverware drawer, and pulled out a knife. He saw a vein popping out on his thinner left arm and slid the point of the knife along it, watching the blood come spurting out, like he was above himself in the air.
"Cas! Baby, no!" Dean cried, as Callie was pulling out her phone to call 911. Cas had easily cut his other wrist, and his eyes were already starting to droop. He was weaker and therefore passed out more easily when he took meds, that kind of thing. Dean resolved he was going to take off some time from work and make sure that Cas was doing what he was supposed to be doing. Right now, he grabbed a huge roll of paper towels and put them to Cas' wrists. "Ben, get Jamie and Frankie out of here." He said, his voice shaking as he tried to stop the bleeding.
Dean's eyes were brushing with tears. "Oh baby, no, why did you do this?" He whispered, Cas had already passed out, and Dean was doing his best to stop the bleeding. There were two pools of it on the floor, and Dean looked to Cory, who was shaking and looked unsure. "Cory, when they come and get Cas, do me a favor and clean the floor. So when I come home it's not…." He said, and Cory held up a hand, he knew what his father meant.
It seemed like forever, but it actually was only about seven minutes. The EMTs arrived, and Dean and Cas were in an ambulance. The older kids were to stay home and keep an eye on the younger ones, and Dean promised that he would let them know what happened when he knew anything. Cas was now on a machine helping him breathe, and they had taped up his wrists. "He's A positive." Dean said, his voice was still shaking and he was trying not to cry. He loved Cas so much, and he couldn't lose him. Now he got how Cas had felt when he was sick. He knew that Cas hadn't been thinking when he'd done this. He had just been wanting the pain to stop. He couldn't be angry at him. Cas hadn't been trying to hurt him. Cas would never do that on purpose.
It seemed like hours, but they were there at the hospital and Cas was whisked off to surgery. Dean was sitting in the waiting room, and decided to call Sam. He didn't want to mess up John and Jodi's date. His fingers were shaking as he hit the dial for three and held the phone to his ear. When Sam was saying hi, Dean said, "Sam, Cas tried to kill himself. I'm at the ER."
Sam almost dropped the phone. Cas had what? It shouldn't be that surprising, Cas had been through a lot recently, not counting the crap he'd been through in his entire life. "Oh, fuck, Dean. I'm coming." Sam said, he couldn't let Dean be there in the hospital all alone. He turned to Jo and told her what was going on, and she said she'd drop Laura next door with Mrs. Flanagan and she'd go with him. She went to do that while Sam talked to Dean some more.
"Have they taken him back for surgery? How did he do it?" Sam asked, listening as Dean told him Cas had just wandered over and slit his wrists. Sam would guess that Cas had kind of been in a daze and hadn't really known what he was doing. He wouldn't have hurt Dean, hurt his family, on purpose. "Oh shit. Well Jo is leaving Laura with our neighbor and we'll be right over. Don't worry, Mrs. Flanagan loves Laura, she plays in the yard while Mrs. F does her gardening." Laura was just starting to crawl, and she loved to be outside in the grass.
They hung up, and Dean settled back in his seat to wait. He texted the older kids in one text, to tell them that Cas was back in surgery, and he'd text again with updates. That's when he saw his father and Jodi walking up to him. "Dad? What the fuck?" He asked, and then he guessed one of the nurses on duty had called him. They were still a big deal in Dallas. "I was trying not to ruin your date." He told him, as John got closer.
John eyed his oldest son, and he could tell that Dean was scared out of his mind. John knew how much Cas had been suffering lately. He had tried to get the kid to talk to him, and he was stubbornly changing the subject whenever John brought it up. He had a wealth of knowledge from working SVU and he could really help Cas talk through things. But he also knew he couldn't force him, as much as he might like to. "Dean, I'm sorry. Cas is gonna be okay. You're not going to lose him." He told him, and as soon as he said that, Dean broke out into tears and John reached out to hug him. It had been awhile since Dean had needed him like this, but John would do anything to help him feel better.
"It was so awful, Dad." Dean gasped inbetween sobs. "He had just walked over and slit his wrists like it was nothing. And the blood, it was so red, and there was so much of it." Dean said, his whole body shaking as he held onto his father. Dean was so scared. Cas, he'd known he was still upset, but Dean had thought things were getting a little better. "I thought he was doing at least a little better." He hiccuped, and John led to sit him down, sitting in the chair next to him. Jodi said she was going to go find drinks and disappeared down the hall. This was the hospital Dean had died and gotten his new heart in, and it was still hard for Dean to be here. And this couldn't be the hospital that Cas died in too.
"He's going to be fine, son." John told him, patting Dean's shoulder, and handing him a box of tissues from the table beside his chair. "I will talk to him. As soon as he's rested up a bit. He'll wake up. They're off replenishing his blood, and he'll of course have to be here 72 hours, but he'll be okay. We will all help him. He also knew which hospital it was, and he leaned a little closer to say the next part. "He won't die here, Dean. I promise you." He squeezed his son's shoulder again, and fresh tears brushed at Dean's eyes.
Wiping his eyes, Dean said, "We were just having the cookout. And now this." His voice was shaking, and he didn't know what to do. He leaned back in his chair, his chin trembling as he tried to stop crying. "Sam and Jo are on their way too." He said, slowly, and as he spoke, they were both walking up. Dean stood to hug Jo, who was crying herself. She hugged him tightly, her head coming closer to Dean's shoulder than her husband's, Sam was four or five inches taller than Dean was. She was assuring him that Cas would be okay, and Dean was just mumbling something in return.
They'd been there another ten minutes before someone came out to talk to Dean. The nurse told Dean that Cas had had a blood transfusion, just as John had said he would, his body seemed to be taking it just fine, and he was in the ICU. He was being held under suicide watch, but he was awake and Dean could go back and see him. Dean thanked her and followed her to Cas' room. Cas was breathing to a machine, and his wrists were bandaged, and he had dark circles under his eyes. Dean immediately moved to him and kissed him, but not deeply, in case Cas was short of breath.
"What the hell were you thinking?" Dean asked, but not harshly. "You scared the fuck out of me." He told his husband, sitting down in a chair by the bed and lacing his fingers gently with Cas'.
"I'm sorry, Dean." Cas said, running a hand through his black hair. "I don't… I wasn't really thinking. All I wanted was the pain to stop." He said, his hand scrubbing at his scruffy chin. "You know that I wouldn't hurt you on purpose." He turned to look at him, and he saw the pain in Dean's eyes. "I am so sorry that I made you feel like I did when you were sick." He said, and he knew that Dean was falling in love with him a little more as he said that, because he knew that Dean had felt it. He leaned and kissed Cas again, softly. He told Cas he loved him, and that he wasn't angry. This lifted a weight off Cas' shoulders. He'd been worried about that.
Dean stroked the back of Cas' hand with his thumb. "I've been trying so hard to take care of you, baby. I know you're trying. I need more help. Clearly I can't take care of you on my own." Dean hated that, that he couldn't take care of his own husband. "Should I be pushing you to talk more? I know you were just wanting the pain to stop, and I know you didn't think about it before you did it. I can't be mad at you. I've never been in that kind of place, other than when I lost the… the baby…" He trailed off, that was something he still couldn't talk about. "But you still could tell me. I've been trying not to push you. Something I'm doing is wrong, since you tried to end it all." He could say it any other way.
"No." Cas said firmly. "This is not on you, Dean. You have tried and tried your best to be supportive with me. You've done your best to keep me healthy. I'm the one who fucked up." He didn't want Dean to feel less than. "You are the best husband that anyone could ask for. I love you so much, Dean. I'm sorry that I did this. I wasn't…. I never would have done anything to hurt you or the kids. Not on purpose." Cas looked at his hand entwined with Dean's, and he saw his wrists, bandaged so tightly. He hoped that he didn't scar.
He kept talking, his voice soft and quiet. "I just, I wanted the pain to go away. I thought if I was just gone, it wouldn't hurt anymore." Cas was talking slowly so he didn't start crying. "I never see anything but his face when I close my eyes." He said, and heard Dean's sharp intake of breath. "His weight on me, his smell, the way he just forced himself inside… I still feel it. Everytime…. Every day. I can't make it stop." Nothing made it stop. Not the meds. Nothing. The meds dulled it a little for a little while, but it never completely went away. Cas felt like he did 20 years ago all over again and he wished that he didn't. Balthazar was dead. They were supposed to be done dealing with him hurting them.
When Cas seemed to be stopped for a moment, Dean leaned in to press his face in Cas' neck. "I love you, Cas. I love you more than anything. "I know that you wouldn't hurt me or the kids. You are having a rough time and we will get through it. I don't know how, but we will. I wish I could magically make this go away." He wished he knew who had done this, they'd be dead by now. Dean wanted to kill this guy. Although he knew that he couldn't, because he couldn't risk going to jail. The kids and Cas needed him. It was just really hard right now not to go out and find the bastard. All in good time. Cas dropped off to sleep again and Dean leaned back in his hair, still holding his hand. They had to make it through this. They had to.
It's a little bit funny,
This feeling inside
I'm not one of those who can
Easily hide
I don't have much money, but boy
If I did, I'd buy a big house where
We could live
If I was a sculptor, but then again, no
Or a man who makes potions in a
Traveling show
I know it's not much, but it's the best
I can do
My gift is my song, and this one's for you
And you can tell everybody
This is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it's done
I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind
That I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you're in the world
So excuse me forgetting, these things I do
You see, I've forgotten if they're green, or they're blue
Anyway, the thing is, what I really mean
Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen
Author's note: So, sorry it's been awhile. Also, sorry for the suicide attempt. I wasn't planning that. I wrote most of this high, and I was thinking it'd be less angsty. Guess I was wrong. Ooops. Hopefully there will be another update soon. Although I do have two other things to type up which aren't Destiel. Well, I hope someone is hanging in. :)