6

August 2, 1999

After Hermione's first session with Alys ended, Susan came back in and went over a timeline for the next few weeks.

"So, we're planning the introductory meeting with all the guests and staff next Friday, so –" Susan stopped to look at the small calendar sitting on her desk, "about a week and half from now. Are you available then?"

"That should be fine, yes."

"Great. We'll be starting at five, and I doubt we'll be doing anything meeting-wise for more than an hour. After that guests will be allowed to walk the grounds, look through the rooms, get acquainted with one another, that sort of thing. And then the start date for the program is the last week of August and runs to mid-November. We'll go over all this next week, of course. I just wanted to make sure you had all that information beforehand so that you could get your affairs at the Ministry in order between now and then."

Alys chimed in, "And that'll give you about a week and a half to determine whether or not you'd still like to participate after meeting all the other guests as well."

Lovely, she thought sarcastically.

Susan sighed and then started to speak. She stopped, as if contemplating something, and then said, "About that. Of course, you're free to make that decision. This is your healing process, and I want you to be comfortable. However, therapy isn't always comfortable, or easy for that matter, and there are going to be times when you feel overwhelmed and challenged. That's a necessary part of recovery. And, as much as you've remarked on how much you've changed, you aren't the only one who was dramatically altered after the war. I know you're uneasy about others seeing you at what you perceive to be your weakest, specifically people who already know you, but I assure you, they all feel the same way."

"And," she went on, "You are a pretty daunting character to stand up against as well. I can guarantee you that there are others who are worried about the same thing, and your very name has crossed their mind, terrifying them even more."

"Why would anyone be worried about being there with me?" she asked, incredulous.

Susan looked at her with surprise and answered, "You're THE Hermione Granger. If you think you don't intimidate people, then you have no self-awareness at all. Did you really think people just didn't like you?"

Hermione simply blinked at Susan as if she were speaking another language.

"Hermione," Susan continued, speaking slowly, as if she were explaining something to a child. "We were terrified of you."

Hermione was speechless, then slowly she broke out in a disbelieving smile. She said, "You're telling me that not a single person other than Harry and Ron even spoke to me really for the first two years of Hogwarts, unless they were making fun of me, of course, because they were afraid of me?"

Susan looked to Alys for help, then back at Hermione. "Yes. You have an entire – " waving her hands in front of Hermione – "presence. You can be quite imposing at times."

Susan and Alys continued to look at Hermione, as if they were waiting on her to react harshly to being told that she was so intimidating.

But, then Hermione began to laugh. It just bubbled out of her, like it had been just below the surface waiting for someone to pull it out of her. "I… I had… no idea," she managed to say in between breaths. Finally, Susan and Alys joined in.

You don't know the half of it, Hermione thought.

It was incredibly humorous to Hermione to think that people were scared of her when, in fact, nobody save Harry and Ron even knew about the most horrifying thing she had ever done. They were the only ones who knew about the incident with Rita Skeeter, and actually, it was only on Harry's urging that she had let her go to begin with. If it had been up to Hermione, the illegal animagus would still be ornamenting her desk at home. Truthfully, it had crossed her mind on more than one occasion how easy it would be to rid the world of the despicable woman when she had been nothing more than a tiny beetle locked in a jar. She wouldn't even have needed magic; just one small stomp would have done the trick. However, even Hermione had to admit that she had served a useful purpose the following year when they used her help to clear Harry's name.

Then there was what happened with Marietta Edgecombe, but there was nothing anyone could say to change Hermione's mind on that one. She had deserved exactly what she got. Hermione had let on like she had no idea what kind of countercurse could be used to remove the horrible pockmarks covering Marietta's face, claiming she was just fooling around with it and had no idea the curse would actually work. Truth be told, Hermione was still proud of the fact that the curse she created when she was only sixteen was enough to stump all the adults who had tried to remove SNEAK from Marietta's face to no avail. She'll be wearing bangs for the rest of her life, Hermione thought with no remorse whatsoever.

Chuckling, she said, "All my life, I've thought I was this awfully unlikeable person for some reason or another. I'm not sure if it's a relief or more of a setback to know that I'm just intimidating."

After a moment, her laughter quieted, and she said, "I'm just learning all kinds of new things. I did mention that I don't know anything anymore, right?" Shaking her head, she said, "I'll try to keep an open mind."

Susan wrapped up the meeting, and Hermione left their office, flooing back to Grimmauld Place.

Hermione spent the rest of the week trying to get all her affairs in order at the Ministry. Thankfully, after Hermione's position had been deemed so important by most of those in the wizarding community - (and because the Ministry was still trying to improve public opinion after being completely controlled by Voldemort for a year - the department had seen fit to acquire two more consultants to assist with the number of petitions and cases the Ministry received with regards to magical beings. All three had been trading off here and there, but Hermione had jumped in and taken the reins on most of the heavier cases, not only because she was more knowledgeable of the process and had been there longer, but also because more often than not, she was requested by name. Honestly, Hermione was thankful for the amount of work. She found that idleness made everything much worse. With nothing to do but twiddle her thumbs, she found nothing to hinder her mind from wandering to all the issues she normally forced herself to stay away from. So, she made sure that she stayed as busy as possible.

That was coming back to bite her, however, as she was having to essentially overload her two counterparts to prepare them for her 12-week hiatus. Going over her entire caseload and divvying out everything she had been working on to the two of them took the better part of the week.

"You have been doing THIS much?" Devon asked, after she had finished inundating him with her mountain of cases.

"Yes. I like to stay busy," she said. "It keeps me focused. Oddly enough, I feel more overwhelmed when I'm bored."

"You should get a hobby… or a cat," he suggested.

"I have one of those, actually. A cat, I mean. As for a hobby, what's that?" she asked mockingly.

Devon chuckled, and said, "Well, however will you manage on a 12-week holiday? I'm assuming based on the amount of work you've just given me, you won't be taking any of that with you."

"Uhm, no. I won't be." She may be ready to "take control of her own healing," as Susan had put it, but she definitely wasn't prepared to tell everyone about her specific plans . Outside of Harry and Ginny, nobody else even knew about it. She was planning to tell Ron too, tomorrow night during dinner. "Completely platonic," he had called it when he asked her about it the day before. Telling her that they never just hung out anymore, he thought it was a good idea that they actually do friend things if they intended on returning to being friends.

"I'm actually working on correcting some of my bad habits, with my inability to be bored being one of them," she continued.

"Ah," Devon mused. "This is one of those 'self-discovery' holidays I've read about." Dramatically waving his arm and gesturing toward some imaginary destination, he added, "Where you go off alone and find yourself in the solace of your own company."

When Hermione shook her head with a laugh, he looked around mischievously, searching for anyone else in the room to overhear them. Leaning in, he whispered, "Ohhh, is this a romantic thing, then?"

"Definitely not," Hermione snorted. "I'm just … looking for a change of scenery," she said with a shrug.

Getting serious then, he said, "Well, uhm, if you aren't seeing someone then, would you maybe like to get a drink before you embark on this 'change of scenery'?"

She was completely taken aback. Other than Viktor asking her to the ball, she had never been asked on a date before.

"Uhm, I… no, I don't really think that's a good idea," she answered, nervously twirling her hair and refusing to look at him.

"Why not? It's just a drink. I'm not asking you to marry me," he said with a smile.

She had never really considered him, and now, looking at him for the first time in any way beyond professionally, she had to admit, he was rather attractive. He had a boy-next-door charming smile and sandy blonde hair that curled out around his ears. The dimple on only one side of his face was enough to make her see why he was appealing to so many women at the Ministry. She had heard his name mentioned by no less than ten women in the ladies' room.

"I just… I don't…"

Think of something, you twit.

"I don't think it would be appropriate. We work together, and –"

"There's nothing wrong with having a drink with a coworker," he said, shrugging. "It's okay to say you just don't want to. I have been turned down before, you know. Though only once, and I was twelve and had a horrible case of acne and a bit of a stutter, so I blame it on that. I'd like to think I've made a considerable improvement since then."

"This just isn't a really good time in my life."

"It's okay. I understand. No big deal," he said, as he stood and began to gather the paperwork and files on the table. The silence in the room was too much.

Hermione, never being one to tolerate silence, stood up and blurted out, "I'm going to a mental health clinic. I just… I'm… yeah."

She could feel her face growing hot as he stared at her.

"O…kay. I didn't realize… I'm sorry." Hermione wasn't sure which of them was more embarrassed.

Way to go, Hermione. Good move.

Clasping her hands in front of her, she said, "Please, don't say anything. I haven't told anyone. I'm not really sure why I just told you to be honest."

"No, of course not. Yeah, I won't say anything." He was stammering. "It's nothing, really." He shook his head, clearly struggling to find words.

"I'm not mad. I just… have some things that I need help sorting through."

"Yeah, no, definitely. I don't think you're mad."

"Okay. Good."

They stood there, staring at each other.

"Soooo, yeah. I think that's all I need here. I'll, uhm, be in touch with you if I need anything else, yeah? About the cases," he said, pointing toward the stack of folders in the other hand.

"Yeah, just let me know if you need anything. I'm not leaving for another three weeks, so…." She nodded, not finishing her sentence.

"Yeah, okay, uhm." He pointed toward the door, "I'm going to go now. Lunch, you know? Uhm, yeah, so… have a good day." Then he turned and left the room without a backward glance.

Slumping into the chair behind her, she dropped her head onto the desk with a clunk.

You. are. an. idiot.

The next day's meeting with Leanne passed without any incident. Thankfully, Leanne didn't also ask her for a date, which would obviously have resulted in Hermione awkwardly filling the space with unnecessary information about her mental health.

Despite Devon's promise to not say anything to anyone, every time Hermione went to the loo or to the café downstairs, she couldn't help but cast wary glances at everyone around her to see if they were whispering or staring. So far at least, it appeared that he had kept his word.

At home, she changed out of her Ministry robes and got ready for her … date? After an internal battle on whether or not he would misinterpret if she dressed up or whether or not he expected her to, she settled on her typical denim jeans and an old Cranberries t-shirt. Pulling her hair up, she went downstairs to find Harry eating a bowl of cereal, still in his auror robes.

"Oo eevin?" he asked.

"What?"

He swallowed and repeated, "Are you leaving?"

"Yes, I'm meeting Ron for Chinese." When he raised an eyebrow suggestively, she raised a hand and said, "Completely platonic. We've both agreed."

"Chinese? Can I come? Ginny is out with the team tonight."

"Of course, but you're eating right now."

"This," he said, pointing a spoon toward his now empty bowl, "was a pre-dinner snack."

She rolled her eyes at him and washed his bowl as he ran up upstairs to change. Now it's definitely not a date, she thought.

They apparated to an abandoned alleyway down the street from the restaurant and met up with Ron outside.

"Hey, I didn't know you were coming?" he said to Harry as they strolled up together.

"I caught him eating cereal for dinner, so I've brought him along."

Ron clapped Harry on the back after hugging Hermione briefly. When they sat down and began looking at their menus, Hermione stopped and looked between them. With a small smile, she said, "I like this. I don't think we've spent time just the three of us since… for a while."

They looked up from their menus. Harry patted her hand affectionately and Ron said, "Well, we can blame Harry for that. Running off with Ginny the moment the war ended."

"Well, neither of you are nearly as fun –"

"Ahhh!" Ron interrupted, scrunching his face in disgust. "I don't want to hear about how fun my sister is, mate."

Harry blushed. "Not at all what I meant, but I could definitely tell you some stories."

"Please, don't." Ron pleaded with a grimace, and Hermione couldn't help but laugh at his expression.

They ordered their food and spent the next hour enjoying one another's company in a way that they hadn't since before the war.

At one time, they seemed inseparable. People actually referred to them in unison. It was "Harry, Ron, and Hermione" everywhere they went. But since the war ended, the amount of time they even spent in one another's company, all three of them together, was less and less. Hermione figured that was probably her fault, truthfully. Yes, Harry had Ginny and a taxing job as an Auror and Ron worked long hours with George in the shop, but Hermione was always the one to cancel plans for one reason or another. She always blamed it on her work load, but it was her own uncomfortability with her "relationship" with Ron and, truth-be-told, she just felt out of place most days. Like everything hung over her like a shroud.

They had spent time together at parties, ceremonies, the Weasleys' house, the Ministry, but it was never alone, and it always seemed forced. They were constantly being watched or photographed or interviewed, so it was wonderful to just sit and talk like they used to before they were encumbered with the weight of the entire wizarding world on their shoulders.

They finished eating and walked together to a pub down the street for drinks.

It wasn't until after Hermione had her first drink that she felt ready to talk about The Willows.

She bought their second round, sitting Ron and Harry's ales in front of them. She took a sip of her drink, and said, "I wanted to tell you that I appreciated all that you said at work the other day. It means a lot to me to know that I have you both."

Ron reached across the table and placed his hand on top of hers. "Always, 'Mi." Harry nodded in assent.

"I know I'm not the easiest person to care for. I definitely don't make it easy; you know that better than anyone," she said, giving Ron a rueful smile. "I've placed myself in this … box, and I try to push people away. I know that."

Harry was pretending to be quite interested in something etched across the table in front of him, giving them as much privacy as possible for this part of the conversation.

"Anyway, I wanted to tell you that I'm going away for a little while to help me try to unbox myself, so to speak. It's a clinic, run by Susan Bones if you can believe it, and they're specializing in helping people overcome all the baggage from the war."

"A clinic? Like an asylum?" he asked, brows furrowing in concern.

"No, more like a retreat actually. It looks pretty great to be honest, like a swanky hotel. They have a pool even," she grinned.

"And you think this is something you really need?"

"I don't know, really. But obviously what I'm doing isn't enough. So, I really have no choice, do I?"

He stopped, took a long drink of ale, and said, "Well whatever you think will help, 'Mi. I'll support you either way."

When she smiled at him, he asked, "So how long will you be gone? And can we still talk to you?"

"It's twelve weeks long, and I'm not sure, really. I don't have all the details yet. Actually, I have to go next Friday for a short introduction with the staff and other people who will be attending, and I was hoping you'd come along. We're allowed to bring family and friends for 'emotional support,' as Susan put it," she enunciated dramatically. "Harry has already agreed to go with me, and I was hoping you'd come too."

He seemed momentarily surprised and then quickly said, "Of course. Yeah, I'd love to. Whatever you need."

She hadn't been entirely sure what to expect from Ron when she told him about the Willows. He had definitely become more reserved and mature following the war, but she wasn't sure how he would react. A lot of his beliefs were sometimes contrary to the progressive ideas she aligned with, but he would often overcome his original way of thinking after being confronted. Regardless, he frequently spoke before thinking about the repercussions.

Upon learning that Remus was a werewolf, his first instinct was fear and disgust. And his ideas about giants were quite inane when they first discovered Hagrid's lineage. Despite the Weasley's status as blood-traitors and being more open-minded about most things in the wizarding world, clearly some of their beliefs were still a little barbaric. Thankfully, Ron quickly changed his views on many things when he learned that he was being judgmental. She had hoped that his views on mental health didn't correspond with many others' in wizarding society, and thankfully, he was being more supportive than she had originally thought.

She smiled at him genuinely. "Thank you, Ron. It really does mean a lot to me."

"What did you expect? That I'd think you were a loony and run for the hills?" he asked, halfheartedly. "I'd like to think my emotional range has developed quite a bit past a teaspoon these days."

She laughed at his use of her own insult from years prior.

Finishing the last of his beer, Harry rejoined the conversation and raised his glass. "One more before we leave?"

When Hermione and Ron both said yes, Harry got up to get the next round.

They sat in a strangely comfortable silence for a minute, finishing their drinks, and then Ron asked, "So, when do you leave then?"

"IF I still agree to go, it starts on the 24th, a little over a week following the introduction meeting."

"If? You aren't sure about it?" he asked, taking the last swig of ale in his cup.

"Well, I think it would be helpful, yes, but there are a few issues that I'm on the fence about."

"Such as?"

"For one, I have to give up my wand."

"What? Wait, is it a muggle clinic?"

"No, but it is based on Muggle treatment methods. Apparently, according to Susan, magic can be a hindrance to mental healing. So, everyone there would have to agree not to use magic while at the retreat and actually take a suppression potion."

"Wow. Are you sure about that?"

"No, not at all. It makes me queasy just thinking about it to be honest. But Susan is very insistent, and she seems to know what she's talking about."

Contemplating this for a second, Ron said, "I guess it's all about trust then, innit?"

"That is a major contributing factor."

Harry returned with their drinks and sat down. "Did you tell him about the other people there, yet?"

"We were just getting to that, actually," Hermione answered. Looking back to Ron, she said, "Another thing is that there will be other people from Hogwarts there, but I won't know who until the meeting next week. Susan couldn't tell me for confidentiality reasons."

Harry added, "So, group therapy with a bunch of Slytherins?"

"Bloody hell. What if it's Goyle? Can you imagine him sharing his feelings? I dunno if he can spell 'feelings,'" Ron said.

"Well I was more worried about it being Pansy Parkinson or –"

Hermione was cut off when Ron said, "What about Millicent Bullstrode? That'd be an awkward reunion."

"Yes, it would. You see my hesitation," Hermione deadpanned.

"Sorry. Sorry. But blimey, that'd be awful. Will they let you back out then?"

"Yes," Hermione answered. "They said I would be free to back out and also to leave at any time. I'm not being held there or anything. It's all voluntary."

Harry spoke up. "But I think she should stay regardless. I mean, the war is over. Whoever is there is looking for help just like you are," he said, looking at Hermione intently. "Don't you think they deserve it as well?"

"Of course, they deserve it, Harry. I'm just not sure that I could open up with Millicent Bullstrode staring down her nose at me. And, perhaps me being there would be a hindrance to her as well, or whoever else is there. Apparently," she added emphatically. "I am menacing, so my presence could affect other people as well."

She looked at both of them, waiting on a contradiction.

"Neither of you have anything to say to that?"

They looked questioningly at one another. "What? Should we have?"

Ron cautioned, looking every bit his eleven-year-old self, "Well, you can be pretty intimidating."

She looked to Harry for assurance, but he was only nodding in agreement with Ron.

When she burst out laughing, they both followed suit.

"I'm actually astonished you weren't aware of that," Harry said.

"How could I be?" she asked honestly.

"You got past all the trials for the Sorcerer's Stone first year."

"Yes, but you both were –"

"And survived an attack by a full-grown mountain troll."

"I wouldn't have, if not for –"

"Third year you walked out of class and told off Professor Trelawney."

"Well the woman is a complete nutter so-"

"Then you broke Malfoy's nose."

"I hardly think –"

"Fourth year you spent an hour in the Black Lake."

"I was unconscious, and it wasn't –"

"Fifth year we took on Death Eaters at the Ministry."

"And I almost died from –"

"Not to mention how you ruthlessly handed Umbridge over to the centaurs."

"That vile woman deserved that and – "

"Shall we go on?" Harry asked, winking at her goodnaturedly.

"When you say it all like that it makes me seem much more badass than I actually am."

"Two words: Marietta Edgecome. You're plenty badass all on your own," Harry said. "If I had been a Death Eater, I would've been completely terrified of you."

"Hell, I am terrified of you sometimes," Ron interjected.