10
Hermione rolled out of bed at 7:00 am, not at all excited for Day 1. After unpacking her things the day before, she stayed in her room for the rest of the afternoon, going over all the materials that had been left on her desk.
Thankfully, the room was quite comfortable, just as the pictures on the brochure had promised. Hermione had a large four-poster, reminiscent of her time at Hogwarts, complete with red and gold trimmings. On the large mahogany desk in the corner were stationery and pens. Actual pens. Of course, Hermione still preferred using Muggle writing utensils, she remembered chuckling a bit to herself when she saw them the night before, wondering how the purebloods here would feel about it. Surely, even they could admit that there were certainly some things in the Muggle world that were so much more convenient, the lack of having to lug around a quill, scrolls of parchment, and inkwell being one of them.
She had her own en suite, with a large claw-foot tub and the fluffiest white towels she had ever seen. Regardless of the stressful environment, the amenities were at least a major bonus. She had spent the evening relaxing – or trying to relax – in the tub, taking advantage of the surplus of various bath oils and lotions.
She needed the time to prepare for the day.
First thing this morning, they were going to "elect a group leader" and begin therapy sessions.
Great, she thought, with a grimace.
Odd how much she had changed over the years. A decade ago, she would have been vying for the position, unwilling to leave her list of tasks in the hands of someone else. Now, all she wanted to do was fly under the radar for 12 weeks. She wanted to get the help she needed, but she still wasn't sure that it was even possible under the circumstances. But, she had promised Harry during their chat in her bedroom yesterday morning that she would give it her best shot at least, so that's what she intended on doing.
Willing herself to move, she threw her legs over the edge of the bed and forced herself to get ready for the day.
After putting on some denims and a pale blue jumper, she went into the bathroom and quickly ran a brush through her hair. She contemplated attempting a smoothing charm before remembering that she'd be giving up her magic this morning.
Might as well get used to this now. She scowled at her reflection one last time after pulling her hair up into a loose bun, and she left the room before she changed her mind and crawled back into bed.
This morning, she noticed that the seating was shifted a bit from the previous day. Thankfully, Malfoy and Seamus were at opposite ends of the table this time, both chairs beside them already occupied. Sighing in relief, she took a spare seat at the end of the table and made a mental note to leave her room earlier from now on.
After a quick breakfast full of awkward silences filled only by the slight scraping of silverware, they all met Alys in the main common room.
"Good morning, everyone," she said with a smile. "Sorry I couldn't join you for breakfast, but Susan and I had to get ready for the morning after preparing breakfast for everyone. Once the week's leader is selected, you can all share in the wealth." She laughed as the rest of the group gave a collective sigh. "Seriously, guys, it's not that bad. Look at it as a way to serve one another." Noticing that wasn't getting a better reaction, she added, "And maybe, you'll walk away with some skills you didn't know you had."
Hermione looked around the room. Parvati sat in one of the large armchairs in the center of the room, dressed in leggings and an oversized button-down with Seamus standing behind her, his back rigid, with his hands in the pockets of his khakis. Dennis appeared to be fighting the urge to fall asleep in a corner chair with Nicola beside him, sitting with one leg crossing the other, shaking her foot nervously. Malfoy looked bored as he reclined against the wall, one ankle crossed in front of the other, refusing to look anywhere but the front of the room where Alys was speaking.
Alys cleared her throat and continued. "So does anyone want to volunteer for the position?" She looked around, her eyebrows lifted enticingly and waved a paper in the air, presumably the list of chores. "Don't be shy, guys. Everyone is going to do it at some point."
All of them appeared to intentionally not meet her gaze. After another moment of silence, Seamus walked forward and snatched the paper out of her hand. "I'll do it." He grumbled back to where he had been standing but dropped down into the chair beside Parvati instead. Throwing one ankle over his knee, he began reading over the list.
"Thank you, Seamus," Alys said, blinking, but the smile never left her face. "While he's looking over that, we have your magic suppression potions here, so everyone come up and grab one." When they all hesitated, she added, "They last 24 hours, so you'll be taking them daily, but we also have an antidote on hand at all times. So, in the event of an emergency, the potion can be reversed instantaneously. Also, you'll all be happy to know that since we're using the potion, you're all free to keep your wands on you. Having a wand, even without magic, can be a comfort at least."
Nobody moved to step forward. Clearly, they felt as excited about this as Hermione did. She took a deep breath and started to take a step forward, but Malfoy beat her to it. He confidently strode forward, his nose in the air like always, and took a vial from the table beside Alys. He uncorked it and swallowed it down in one gulp. He deliberated for a moment and, with a frown, sat the vial back on the table.
Well if he can do it so easily…
Hermione followed suit and swallowed the potion without giving herself a second to reconsider. Minty. Alys gave her a reassuring nod as she returned the vial to the table. Walking back to her seat, it felt like ice water was being poured on her head, similar to a Disillusionment Charm, but colder. She was reminded of the searing cold numbness in her hands after a snowball fight, but it started at the top of her head and traveled throughout her entire body. But just as quickly as it came, the feeling dissipated.
After they all drank their potion, Alys said, "We're going to start individual sessions with each of you now. Seamus and Hermione, you'll be with me. Parvati and Dennis with Walt, and Nicola and Draco, you'll both be with Susan. There are time slots on each of your schedules for the day, and then we'll reconvene here for lunch. Those of you without a session now are free to do whatever you'd like or to take care of any chores that you have, assuming Seamus is finishing up with his list." She nodded toward Seamus who glanced briefly toward Malfoy with a sly smile before looking back down at the notebook in front of him.
Turning toward Hermione, she said, "I'll be seeing you first this morning, Hermione. That way Seamus can finish up here."
Following Alys as they headed to her office, Hermione thought to herself that if Seamus's smirk was any indication, Malfoy would likely be doing a lot of chores this week, and chances are, she'd be right alongside him.
It was odd that Malfoy was being counseled individually by Susan though, given that Susan told her that since she knew them from school, many of their classmates would be seen by Alys or Walt.
She only had a split second to ponder this before they made it to Alys' office, and Hermione sat down in one of the green wingback chairs in front of her desk.
As Alys sat down, she straightened some notes in front of her, and said, "Well, how was your first night? Did you sleep well?"
"Yes, surprisingly. The bed is very comfortable."
"Why, surprisingly? Were you anticipating some sleepless nights?"
Hermione fidgeted in her seat. "Well, I haven't slept much since the introductory meeting." Thinking about it for a moment, she added, "Well, I haven't been sleeping very well in over a year, but it seems to have gotten worse since the meeting."
Alys folded her hands in front of her and asked, "How so?"
"I've been having nightmares, even more so than before. I'm sure it's the apprehension of coming here. I… I know it's supposed to help, but just the change, being away from home, and the other people here, it's been pretty stressful."
Alys nodded silently in front of her and waited for Hermione to go on. When she didn't, Alys asked, "Do you mean the other people in general or a specific individual?"
"Both, really. It's a bit overwhelming just in general, but also Seamus made it a point to make sure I didn't feel very welcome at the 'Welcome' meeting, so…" She allowed her words to fade and realized she didn't really want to talk about her interaction with Malfoy. Truthfully, despite her anger toward him, she felt ashamed at him having overheard her talking to Walt, and talking about him again now seemed like salt in the wound.
"I see," Alys said. She leaned one elbow onto the desk in front of her and rested her chin in her palm. "Can you elaborate on what he did that upset you?"
Hermione thought about how to phrase his accusations and sighed deeply. "He essentially thinks that Harry, Ron, and I were out gallivanting through the forest on a merry holiday while he and the rest of our classmates were being tortured their last year at Hogwarts. Apparently, we got off easy, so there's no reason for me to be here at all."
"And having gone through some of the things you've gone through, how does that make you feel?"
"At first, it hurt. I mean, Seamus was a friend. We've gotten smashed together. We fought alongside one another. I honestly had no idea that he felt that way. A part of me really feels for him. I know what he went through couldn't have been easy. But then another part of me is angry. I wanted to scream at him, 'How dare you!' He has no idea what we went through out there, what I went through." Hermione felt her hands shaking and fought the urge to wipe them on her jeans. "It's just…" She dropped her voice, realizing that she had been getting louder than she meant to. "It's just unfair."
"You're right. It is unfair." Alys nodded. "I can see how that would upset you. Why do you think he feels that way? If he fought alongside you, I'm assuming that came after your 'merry holiday,' he didn't have a problem with that then, right? So, what do you think makes him feel that way now?"
Hermione hadn't considered this, but Alys was right. From the moment she, Ron, and Harry stepped through the portrait hole in the Room of Requirement, Seamus was ready for action. Smiling through the bruises on his face and disregarding the limp in his step, he had jumped at the idea that they were finally going to war. And even after the battle, they had all celebrated on multiple occasions, and never once had he acted like he was upset with them.
"I'm not rightly sure. Up until he blew up at me, I would've thought we were fine. Ron said they came to blows at a pub one night a few months ago about the same thing, so he's clearly felt this way for a bit. But, I'm not sure when it started."
"Hmm," Alys pursed her lips and furrowed her brow as she thought about this. "I'm certain there is more to this than just the anger toward you three." Looking back toward Hermione, she smiled brightly. "Perhaps through the group sessions we can get to the bottom of it."
Hermione shrugged, thinking to herself that she really didn't care why he was being an arse. Fact remained that he was.
"So, how are you feeling about the upcoming group session this afternoon?"
Terrified. "Anxious. I'm not really sure what's to be expected, or what I'm supposed to say, so I'm a little nervous about that. I tend to ramble in awkward silences, and I definitely don't want to do that."
Alys chuckled. "I understand. Today, we have a guest speaker who's going to share their story just to give everyone an idea of what's to be expected and also to maybe clear the air a bit. It's obvious that there is still some animosity between a few people, so hopefully today will alleviate at least a bit of that."
A guest speaker that will clear the air? She had no idea who that could be, but she was intrigued.
"But I don't want to spoil the surprise," Alys said, with a smile. "Really, this morning, what I want to do is establish some goals for your time here. What do you want to get out of this, Hermione?"
Taking a beat to consider, Hermione said, "I suppose my first goal would be to stop blowing up my bedroom any time I have a panic attack. The accidental magic is probably my first priority."
"I can understand how that would be a major concern."
"I've always been proud of my magical ability, but now, being unable to control it to the point that I almost hurt my best friend is embarrassing and infuriating. I feel like a child having a tantrum, but a child who could seriously hurt someone."
"That's a good goal to have." Alys made a note on the pad in front of her. "So, would you say then that the accidental magic is a cause for concern or a symptom of an underlying issue?"
"Well, it's the symptom, sure, but I guess I just thought of my issues as more manageable when they weren't quite so evident. I can hide my nightmares. I can't exactly hide an explosion that rocks my entire house, can I?"
"No, you can't. However, it's interesting to point out that your first priority was a better way to hide your problems from other people. Do you think that maybe the reason they've become unmanageable is because you've been hiding them for so long?"
Well, damn. She sure isn't going to be pulling any punches.
"I'm sure that's the case. I just… I guess I don't feel like my problems are as serious if I can hide them."
Alys nodded in understanding. "That makes sense, and it's perfectly normal. I only made that distinction because I wanted to point it out to you. There are no wrong answers, and that's a perfectly acceptable goal to have." Smiling, she asked, "So, what else? What other goals do you have?"
They spent the next half hour discussing goals for Hermione's future and talking about ways to stay proactive and present in her own healing. Afterward, Hermione left her office, passing Seamus on the way to the common area. He didn't acknowledge her at all as he walked passed.
Sitting down in one of the armchairs, she pulled the schedule from her pocket. The small laminated card had been fixed with a Protean Charm, allowing all the schedules to change daily so everyone knew where they were expected.
10:00 – 11:00: Free period. Looking down at her watch, she realized she had a little more than an hour before lunch, so she decided to have a look around the facility knowing that most of the others would be occupied with individual sessions right now.
She strolled through the grounds and stopped to see the granians in their pasture. There were four out today, but based on the size of the barn, there were likely more inside as well. She had seen them in books before, but never in real life. They were slightly larger than a regular horse, and quite a bit stockier, but otherwise they seemed very similar. Two were slate grey with charcoal wings rising from their back. The other two were more dappled, their wings much larger and the color of iron. As Hermione watched them, she was completely mesmerized at the way they ran around one another, playing and nipping, and occasionally stretching their wings out causing her mouth to drop open in awe the first time she saw it. As she watched, a colt startled her as he nudged her shoulder. This one didn't stand much taller than she did, and he leaned in to nestle his muzzle into the soft fabric of her jumper. She flinched back, never having gotten fully comfortable with any large winged creature, when a voice beside her startled her again.
"He won't hurt you. But he may chew a hole in your sweater." She turned to see Malfoy standing beside the fence, his hands shoved deeply into his pockets as the wind from the lake behind them whipped his pale hair into his face. He reached out, and the granian walked toward him, placing his muzzle into the palm of Malfoy's outstretched hand.
"This is Equuleus," he said, rubbing the soft dappled hair on the animal's neck. "He's friendly."
"How do you know?" Hermione asked, raising one eyebrow.
"We've met," Draco said, turning to face her. Perhaps it was the reflection off the lake or the cloudless sky above them, but she noticed that Malfoy's eyes were mottled with blue. She had never noticed before, thinking they were as pale and grey as the rest of him. Now, she could see that they weren't pale at all but resembled the color of the Atlantic, biting cold but full of life.
She quickly turned away from him, realizing that she had been staring into the eyes of Draco Malfoy.
Equuleus galloped away, joining the other two dapples further in the field, each looking like a larger copy of him, except for his wings. His wings were almost entirely silver. She couldn't tell when he had been standing so close to them with his wings folded by his sides, but the moment he spread them open and took flight, causing the sun to reflect their shimmer, it took her breath.
They stood in silence, each marveling at the sight of the magnificent animal flying circles around the pasture. After a moment, she spoke. "Malfoy, I… I wanted to apologize. You know, for when you overheard my conversation with Walt." She busied her hands by picking at the chipped wood of the fence in front of them. "I didn't realize you were there, and –"
"So, you're apologizing because I overheard you, not because of what you said." It wasn't a question. He turned to face her, resting one arm on the fence, leaning again.
Since when does he not even stand up straight? It was unfair that he always seemed so blasé and unaffected by everything.
"Well, no. I don't believe I said anything that was incorrect or even remotely rude to be honest. I just didn't mean for you to overhear, and I certainly didn't mean to embarrass—"
"Embarrass me?" He scoffed. "It doesn't embarrass me, Granger. I know good and well who I am and what I've done. And just in case I forget, there's always someone standing ready to remind me."
She could feel her face growing red. The familiar feeling of anger boiled up in her gut, the same feeling he always gave her in school.
"Are you really going to stand there and play the victim when it was your actions that hurt someone else, not the other way around?"
She expected one of his normal condescending remarks and his characteristic look of disgust. Instead, he only shook his head and turned away from her, once again looking over the pasture in front of them. He pulled a flask out of his pocket and took a large pull from it.
"Not at all, Granger. Just stating facts," he said, offering her the flask without a glance.
She reached over, tentatively, taking it from his hand. She sniffed the rim first, and she could see him smirking out of the corner of her eye. "Don't worry, I left the poisoned one back in my room."
"I was just making sure it wasn't firewhisky." Realizing it wasn't - there was no distinctive cinnamon scent - she took a drink as well, feeling the warmth spread through her chest. "Firewhisky and I have a history," she said, handing it back to him.
She watched him carefully. Seeing if he'd wipe off the rim or refuse to drink anymore. Surely, he had an issue with her mudblood lips tainting him or his flask.
But, instead, he immediately downed another large drink before recapping it and returning it to his pocket.
"No, it's scotch." He turned around, resting his elbows on the fence behind him, and looked out at the lake. He brushed a hand through his hair, pushing it back into place from where the wind had ruffled it.
"Apology not accepted."
What? Had she heard him correctly? She turned to face him again, but he continued to look out over the lake, his expression one of complete indifference.
"What?" she spat.
"I do not accept. That isn't even a real apology. At least mine was genuine."
Her mind was reeling. She blinked, trying to gather her thoughts. Who just refuses someone's apology? Especially given that she really hadn't done anything wrong. She was only apologizing for the sake of civility.
"Well, fine," she said, lifting her eyebrows in contention.
He looked at her then, his eyes glancing down to the hand on her hip, before his mouth curled into a cheeky grin. "Ah, there you are. I was wondering when you were going to show up."
She immediately dropped her hand from her hip and shrugged. "It didn't mean anything really. I was only trying to be civil."
"Given that up then, have you?" he asked, chuckling.
And there it was, his typical mockery.
"And there you are, I see. I was worried you'd gone and gotten yourself lobotomized in Azkaban." She didn't give him a chance to respond. She turned and walked away, relishing the shocked look she left on his face.
By the time she made it inside, everyone else was sitting down for lunch. She sat down beside Dennis and began pouring pumpkin soup into the bowl in front of her. She was still fuming when Malfoy walked in a few moments later and took the last remaining seat, directly across from her.
She grit her teeth and refused to look at him.
A part of her was completely overcome with anger at the thought that Malfoy was refusing to accept her apology, but furthermore that Malfoy was even able to ruffle her this way. Another part however, a much smaller one, actually realized where he was coming from. Hadn't she only been apologizing because he was there and she didn't want it to be awkward? After all, he apologized to her, even if she still didn't really know how to take it.
The idea that Malfoy was right, justified even, was far more infuriating.
Dennis tapped her on the arm, pulling her out of her thoughts, and pointed to Seamus who was standing at the head of the table.
"I was saying that you and Malfoy have clean up duty after lunch. I just posted the chore schedule," he said, pointing toward a bulletin board on the wall.
With Malfoy? Really?
She nodded at him, barely registering what he was saying.
Everyone began clearing their plates and taking them to the kitchen, and when she finished her soup, she walked over to the chart.
Just as she suspected…
She and Malfoy were assigned clean-up duty for every single meal that week.
Wonderful.
She heard a noise behind her and turned to see Malfoy looking at the chart over her shoulder.
"Damn, Granger, what did you do to piss him off? I thought all you Gryffindors were best friends. You didn't braid his hair well enough in the Common Room?" he asked before strolling toward the kitchen.
She glared at Seamus's back as he left the dining hall laughing with Parvati. She gathered all the remaining dishes off the table, taking them to the kitchen, before pouring the leftover soup into a glass bowl and placing it into the large industrial fridge. She turned to find Malfoy, the sleeves of his white Oxford cuffed up to his biceps, elbow-deep in dirty dishwater.
Something about the sight was insanely humorous, and though she tried to hold it in, the giggles bubbling up in her chest spilt over, escaping between her pursed lips. She bent at the waist, powerless to the laugh pouring out of her. She couldn't remember the last time she laughed so freely, but the picture of Malfoy in front of her was too much, no house-elves in sight, forced to dirty his superior hands in someone's else's dishwater. He turned to look at her, lifting his eyebrows questioningly. Every time she thought she had it under control, another wave would hit her causing her to double over again and the sounds of her laughter to reverberate off the white tile.
He turned back around with a huff. When she stopped chuckling, he said with his back still to her, "If you're quite done howling, I could use some help drying these dishes."
She wiped her eyes and joined him at the sink, snickering every few seconds. Picking up a dish towel, she began drying the bowls as he handed them to her. She hadn't noticed until just now, but only one of his sleeves was rolled up. His left arm remained fully covered as he intricately held each dish so as not to soak his shirt sleeve. She wondered if the Dark Mark was still stained on his skin, and the urge to laugh slipped away. He looked down at her and lifted one eyebrow. "What's so funny?"
She cut her eyes away quickly, hoping he didn't notice the way they lingered on his left forearm. "I just never thought I'd see Draco Malfoy doing dishes. I'm sure there's some underlying stress response, but right now, I'm just going to go with the hilarity of seeing you so domesticated."
He surprised her with a grin. "Well it isn't my favorite thing, but it's not exactly difficult."
She cleared her throat and said, "You were right. It wasn't a real apology."
"Speaking of things I never thought I'd see. Hermione Granger admitting she was wrong." He still hadn't looked up from the sink. Her first instinct was to say something rude back; his words were too similar to Pansy's. But then she noticed the smirk on his face.
Is he joking with me?
"Yes, well, it happens so infrequently, I'm not always sure what to do."
He laughed then as he turned to hand her the last bowl, and she noticed how the corners of his eyes squinted. She couldn't recall having ever been this close to him, and from here he didn't seem nearly as pallid; his skin was almost the color of porcelain, but where she would have once described him as completely void of color, now she could see that he had a much warmer undertone, with the slightest hints of warmth in his cheeks.
He stopped, noticing she was looking at him. "You're looking at me strangely again."
She shrugged. "Your face looks different when it isn't sneering," she said, taking the bowl from his hand and drying it. She sat it down and began looking in the bottom cabinets for something to clean the countertops with.
They worked in silence for the remainder of their kitchen duty, each busying themselves on separate tasks. As she wiped her hands and started for the door, Malfoy asked again, "So what did you do to Finnigan? You're not only stuck doing the one job everyone hates, but you're also stuck doing it with me, the one person everyone hates."
She reclined onto the counter behind her and pulled a stray curl behind her ear. She contemplated the polite thing to say, lying about not everyone hating him, but then thought they'd both know it wasn't true. She inhaled deeply before saying, "He's bitter about his last year at Hogwarts, not that I blame him. I saw how he looked when Harry, Ron, and I made it to the castle before the battle. He had clearly been tortured, all of them had."
Draco's face paled.
"But he thinks that we abandoned them while we were out frolicking through the forest. I'm not entirely sure why that's made him despise me so much, but it has for some reason. Parvati says he's just mad at the world, so…" She shrugged. "I don't really care enough to try to tell him otherwise."
Draco turned, looking out the window. She noticed again the strained look on his face, but it flickered away so quickly, she wasn't sure if it had truly been there. His face hardened as he turned to face her again, and his eyes showed no hint of the blue in them she had seen earlier.
"I suppose that makes sense in some strange twisted Gryffindor sort of way. He hates you for abandoning them all to be tortured, and he hates me for doing the torturing."
She opened her mouth to ask what he meant. Had he actually been the one holding the wand? Or did he mean that in a more general sense from being a Death Eater. But before she had a change to ask, he left the kitchen, rolling his shirt sleeve back down as he walked.
She thought back on all that she knew of Malfoy's last year in the war during her walk to the group therapy room. While she and Harry and Ron were hunting horcruxes, she knew that life had been hell for those remaining at Hogwarts, for all those who weren't Slytherins at least. Based on some of the things Ginny told her about that time, there was a lot of torture going on, with many of the older students being forced to torture the younger ones and those who refused were given far worse treatment, which she assumed is why Neville and Seamus had been abused so badly.
But she never imagined Malfoy back at Hogwarts during that time. Seeing him at the Manor when she was captured and the fact that he was a full-fledged Death Eater by that time always made her believe that he wasn't concerned with his studies or that Voldemort kept him close instead. But it would make sense that he was home during that time regardless, as most students would have been home for the Easter holidays anyway.
It would stand to reason then, that if he had gone back to Hogwarts, he would have been in on torturing his classmates.
The thought made her stop in her tracks. If that were the case, it's no wonder that Ginny and Neville, and now Seamus, always talked about how he deserved a stricter sentence.
She made it to the therapy room, and only Nicola was there before her. The chairs were arranged in a circle, and she took a seat to Nicola's left, who smiled at her as she sat down.
"How's your first day been?" Nicola asked her. She turned to face her, crossing her legs at the ankles. Hermione couldn't understand how Nicola could manage to look flawless at all times, even in a mental health clinic. She chuckled inwardly at the image of Nicola Greengrass in the dingy smocks she had seen on mental patients in old Muggle movies.
"Not nearly as bad as I anticipated, but the day is still young. You?"
Nicola smirked and said, "Not too bad. The morning session was very relaxed. but I suppose they aren't pulling out all the stops on day one."
"No, I would imagine not. Though Alys did say we were having a guest speaker to open up the group session today," Hermione said, just as Seamus and Parvati walked in the room, each taking a seat across the circle from Nicola and Hermione.
Seamus nodded his head toward Nicola and never glanced toward Hermione at all. Parvati gave her a friendly smile but said nothing.
Malfoy and Dennis joined them, with Alys, Walt, and Susan coming in right behind them. There was light chatter throughout the circle of chairs, but none of the counselors began the session. Just as Hermione started to wonder again who the guest speaker was, Luna walked in.
She took the last remaining seat in the circle and smiled brightly at Hermione as she sat down, sweeping her white blonde waves across one shoulder.
Walt said, "Good afternoon, everyone," and the room quieted as they all turned to look at him.
"I trust that you've all made yourselves at home today. I've only had the opportunity to speak with a few of you since you arrived, but I'm excited to be able to work with each and every one of you." He took the time to lock eyes with every guest in the room as he said this. "And I'm certain that we'll all be able to learn and grow from one another throughout your time here."
He placed a few papers on the floor beside him and lowered his glasses. "Today, is your first day of group therapy. I'm sure that all of you are a bit anxious at the thought of sharing your personal story with an audience, but we are all friends here."
Surprisingly, there were no objections to this statement, but Hermione saw Seamus roll his eyes from the other side of the circle. She could already feel her heart speeding up, and she hadn't even opened her mouth yet. Would they want her to talk about everything today? She wiped her palms on her jeans and tried to calm herself enough to hear Walt.
"Or we will be before the end of this twelve weeks anyway," he continued, chuckling. "It's completely normal, to be expected even, for you to be nervous. You will all be expected to speak on your story during your time here, but this will happen organically. We don't expect any of you to open the floor today with your own reasons for being here."
The entire room seemed to breathe a sigh of relief. Her heart was still racing, but Hermione didn't feel the room constricting around her as it had been since Walt first started speaking.
"We want you all to grow more and more comfortable as we progress, and though we will encourage each of you, pushing where we need to, we'll be doing this from a supportive standpoint. We want nothing but the best recovery for each of you, so we ask that you simply maintain an open mind, a willingness to address your own insecurities and push yourself outside of your comfort zone, and a willingness to support your fellow team members here. Can we all agree to do that?" he asked, looking around the room at each of them. They each nodded as his eyes fell on them.
"Great," he said, clapping his hands together lightly. "First thing I want to do then is to go around the room, and each of you introduce yourself. I know most of you know one another, but since not everyone does, let's approach this as if we're all strangers, yes?" He smiled politely before continuing. "Also, I want you each to give us a single adjective to describe how you're feeling, one that starts with the same letter as your name. This can be today, or about therapy itself, or simply with life in general. And lastly, I want you to talk about a goal that you have for therapy. Before we begin, I want you all to remember that you just agreed to push yourself. So, I don't want anything superficial or insincere. We're setting the stage here for self-disclosure, support, and truth. I'll start just to give everyone an idea of what I'm looking for."
He took a breath, sat up straight, and said, "Good afternoon, everyone. I'm Walt. I feel warmhearted at the prospect of new beginnings for each of you. And my number one goal for my time at The Willows is to cause no harm. I want to help each of you, and any other guests that come along after you're gone, to better yourselves and overcome your trauma by strengthening and supporting you." He smiled genuinely and looked around the circle.
"Who would like to go next? Any volunteers?"
The room was silent for a moment, and Hermione felt herself shrink back into her seat. Her heart was racing again, but this time, she closed her eyes, clenched her teeth, and took a deep breath. "I'll go," she said.
Every eye in the room fell on her. She felt their gaze, and the room began to swim. Why is this so hard? She was once the girl who was bouncing on the balls of her feet to answer every question. Now, with a roomful of faces staring at her, she felt the warmth rise in her cheeks and fought the urge to run. I promised Harry I'd try.
She swallowed back her fear, and said, "I'm Hermione. Um…. I feel..." She looked around the room, trying to not focus too intently on any one person; instead, she looked slightly above their eyes. But when her eyes fell directly above Luna's left shoulder, she looked into her eyes instead. Luna smiled her sweet smile, and Hermione felt the courage to speak. "Hollow. I feel hollow."
She swallowed and blinked a few times to push her tears back before continuing. "A goal I have for being here is to become me again. I, … I know some of you know me, or knew me anyway, and I just want to be that person again." She looked down and found her hands fidgeting with the hem of her jumper. Forcing them to settle, she looked up and said, "I just want to feel like myself again."
The room was silent. She fought the urge to keep talking just to fill the room with something as she waited for someone else to speak.
Alys broke the silence. "Thank you, Hermione. I know that had to be difficult to be the first speaker." She smiled at her, her dark eyes full of validity.
"I'm Alys. I feel ardent. All I've ever wanted to do is help people, and I feel like I'm getting the chance to do that here. Susan and I have been working toward this goal for a year, and it feels like things are falling into place. Thank you, each of you, for giving me the opportunity. A goal I have for being here is to improve life. Yours, mine, ours, all of us, one of us. It doesn't matter to me. If I walk away at the end of this twelve weeks having helped one of you, I'll feel honored."
She nodded and looked around for someone else to continue, straightening the front of her robes absently.
The room grew silent again as the others looked around at one another, hoping someone else would speak first.
Parvati mumbled something and then spoke up. "I'm Parvati." She waved awkwardly around, twisting one palm outward. "I, umm… I'm not sure, really. I feel – " she looked around the room once, her eyes wide.
"Panicked?" she said, laughing nervously, the sound of her voice small and taut as she struggled to speak. "Paltry? I feel insignificant. My goal is to determine where I fit in now." She never looked up. She sat waiting for someone else to speak.
"I'm Susan, and I feel safe." Susan smiled, meeting everyone's eyes. "It took a while to feel that way after all that we've all been through, but I feel safe now. My goal is to help each of you feel that way as well."
"I'm Nicola. Noisy. I feel noisy. Perhaps that isn't the right word." Unlike many of the others, she met everyone's gaze, but her eyes didn't seem to focus. She was looking at them, but she wasn't seeing, and her words were heavy, muted, like she was speaking through a vacuum. "There's always a thousand things running nonstop in my mind. A constant loop that I can't shut off, and it's noisy and disrupting, consuming. My goal is to make it stop."
"I'm Draco." Once again, his voice took on a quality that Hermione associated with Lucius. Calm, collected, and dissociated. "I feel defenseless." He looked at the wall directly in front of him as he finished. "My goal is to feel in control again."
He had barely finished speaking when Seamus spoke up, his thick Irish accent loud and gruff. "I'm Seamus. And I feel like this is stupid. I don't see how this is going to help. But I'm here, and my goal is to get my paper signed so I can get on with my life."
Paper signed?
He crossed his arms, and Hermione saw him as a child. His demeanor didn't fit the broad-shouldered, tough exterior of the man before her. He seemed so… small.
"I'm sorry that you feel that way, Seamus," Walt said. But instead of pushing further, he simply moved on, ignoring Seamus's pout. "We've saved our guest speaker to introduce herself last. Luna here is going to follow the same pattern, but she's going to share her own testimony as well, which will, as I said before, set the stage for what we'd like from each of you. Again, there's no time limit on this. No one is expected to share their full story and be done tomorrow. Therapy takes time, but hopefully Luna's story can help each of you to feel a bit more comfortable with your own story, and perhaps with one another as well." His eyes shifted toward Malfoy before landing on Luna, giving her a slight nod to begin.
Susan stood and left the room just as Luna began. "Hello, I'm Luna, and I feel," she turned her head to one side, contemplating. "Light."
If there was ever a single word that could describe Luna, that would be it.
"I haven't always felt this way. The war was rather horrible, and after it was over, I was quite sad. But now, I feel much better. Some days are still hard, but mostly I feel like myself again."
Susan re-entered the room, pushing a pensieve into the room in front of her, bright blue light emanating from its surface, and Hermione's stomach sank at the meaning behind it. Locking the wheels in place on the cart where the pensieve sat, Susan stood up and said, "Though this isn't necessary, you will be given the opportunity to share your memories with the group. Like Walt said, you are expected at some point to discuss your own trauma. Studies have extensively shown that the best treatment for trauma is to share your story with others. You can do that by talking about it, or if you're comfortable, you can choose to share them, visually, in this safe space, as Luna has."
Hermione looked around the room. Everyone seemed to be having thoughts similar to her own. Talking about what she had gone through was one thing, but allowing other people access into her mind was terrifying. Her hands began to shake, and she folded them together to make them stop. Nicola was ashen, and Dennis was actually shaking his head. Malfoy though, for the first time since seeing him at the Battle of Hogwarts, when he was frantically searching for his parents or fleeing from the fiendfyre roaring behind him, looked visibly shaken. His eyes were wide, and his mouth dropped open. He blinked a few times and quickly regained his composure.
Luna stood from her chair and walked toward the center of the circle. Pulling her wand from her opposite sleeve, she slowly extracted memories from her temple. Each silver strand she removed was dropped into the pensieve, causing it to swirl and churn. From where Hermione sat, she could see vague images twirling through the glowing water.
Susan stood, brushing her hand across Luna's back and giving her a kind smile. Extending her other hand, she said, "Take the hand of the person beside you, and I'll take us all into the memory."
Hermione stood and took Susan's hand on one side and Nicola's on the other. Once they all were linked, Susan dipped her free hand into the swirling water, and they were all pulled into Luna's memories.