See chapter 1 for disclaimers.

Chapter 10: A Secret's Worth

Jebel rolled over and tried to burrow under his pillow. He was far too comfortable to consider getting up yet. He cast an eye toward the window and noted the rain had stopped. There was light beyond, so he reasoned he'd best get up if he wanted any breakfast.

Rising and using the wash basin to make himself somewhat presentable, he dressed in a fresh uniform and headed out. It was a bit later than he'd feared. The sky was still overcast, though, the rain had stopped. The air seemed heavy and unpleasant, but that wasn't unusual after a late summer storm. The dining hall where most of the Heralds stationed at the Collegium ate their meals was already crowded. As he entered, the excited buzz of voices caught his attention. There was only one topic of conversation in the room. The heir had been Chosen. The general reaction was one of relief, which Jebel could understand. He caught the name Gwena, here and there, and it sounded familiar, though, he wasn't sure why.

He nodded to several of the Heralds he knew as he went to get his food, and noted that they were enjoying slices of melon. Hope there's some left.

"Overslept a bit?" Tobin offered quietly, passing him a plate. "Don't worry. I set aside a couple of melons for you, as I promised."

"Promised?" Jebel blinked, unsure what the other man meant.

"Last night, when I told you about the melons in the last delivery," Tobin offered, a little confused at Jebel's reaction. "You said you couldn't sleep and were out for a walk?"

Jebel shook his head. "I must have been more tired than I thought."

Tobin chuckled and Jebel moved on to find a place to sit.

He frowned as he settled at a free spot. Last night, he had gone straight to bed. As far as he knew, he had not gone for a walk, nor had he had a conversation with Tobin. He began to eat while he carefully reviewed his memories. The gathering where they were discussing potential heirs had broken up, and he had returned to his quarters. His mind had been busy with all of the things going on in his life that he had no control over. It was a long list, and sleep had seemed unlikely. Then, he sat down on the bed and… nothing.

He was sure that he hadn't undressed or laid down, but he had been in his night clothes and under his blankets just the same, when he awakened. What's going on? He replayed the events of the evening in his head again. He hadn't seen Tobin, and hadn't talked to him about melons or anything else. He hadn't gone for a walk after returning to his quarters. No matter how he tried, the evening ended with him sitting down on his bed.

What happened?

"I take it you've heard?" Skif sat down across from him, distracting Jebel from his thoughts. "Hard not to, as its all anyone is talking about."

Jebel nodded, distractedly. He took a moment to refocus and realize what Skif was talking about. "Last night, during the storm? Strange."

Skif nodded. "Don't know what she'd be doing out there, but that's apparently when it happened." He shrugged, seeming to dismiss the matter. "A mare named Gwena."

Jebel frowned. That name again. He knew the names of a number of Companions, but he hadn't bothered memorizing the names of those that hadn't yet Chosen a partner, so where had he heard that name? "Heard the name," he offered, "but I can't place it."

"She's kind of shy, mostly stayed in the field with the other Companions." He paused to continue eating. Jebel did the same as he thought about this news. What his friend said tracked with what he knew about Gwena, but how did he know anything about her? How did Skif know? The other Herald wasn't one to take any interest in trivia about Companions. Was he just repeating what he'd heard in the hall that morning? Again, that didn't explain how Jebel himself knew anything about Gwena.

"Queen's Own must be happy," Jebel ventured.

"Very," Skif nodded. "She was starting to fear it would never happen. I'm a bit surprised it was Gwena, but you can never tell about such things."

Wait. What? "I can't recall where I first heard her name," Jebel offered, watching Skif carefully. "I know I've heard it somewhere, though."

"Me neither," the other Herald looked thoughtful for a moment, then shrugged. "Does it matter?"

"Probably not," Jebel allowed.

But it did matter. The business of the Companion's name might not have bothered him if he wasn't already preoccupied with something else he couldn't remember. Where had he heard the name, Gwena? Why did Skif know the name? He had apparently heard of her before this morning, which was odd. Skif was close to the Queen's Own. Perhaps he had heard it from her? But how had Jebel heard it? He couldn't remember. His thoughts were going in circles, but he knew pressing Skif on a seemingly unimportant matter wouldn't help.

Tobin had said he'd encountered him during a walk he couldn't remember. Had he been going somewhere specific? To do what? Various possibilities, none of them good, played through his mind.

Is this how it started for Mijad?! Pieces of lost time? He kept his face carefully neutral while inside he felt close of panic. He needed to speak to Arctus, but there was something he had to do first.

OOOOOOOOOO

He made his way to Companions' Field, his mental shields solidly in place. He didn't know who was altering his memories, or what their goal might be, but there was one person he could count on to hear out his paranoid sounding story and not to lie to him. He had calmed himself somewhat. However bad the situation might be, he knew, panicking would only make things worse.

It seemed to take forever to reach his destination. Normally, maintaining his shields wasn't an effort, but his growing fears, his memories of Mijad's crazed attempts to kill Mirnen, and thoughts of what his own missing memories might mean made it difficult to concentrate.

Doing his best to set it aside and center himself, he focused on maintaining his shield as he approached the Field, and called out to his Companion. Arctus approached, Jebel could feel his Companion's curiosity, bordering on worry as he approached the fence. Jebel spoke aloud, without preamble.

"We may have a very big problem." With great care, he lowered his defenses, just enough to speak mind to mind with his Companion.

:Jebel? What's going on?: Arctus was confused by his Chosen's behavior and starting to grow worried.

:Do you know what I was doing last night?:

:Doing? What do you mean?: The question evidently startled Arctus, which Jebel understood. He had thought carefully about how to present the facts of the situation. Getting emotional wouldn't help, though, he knew Arctus wouldn't dismiss his concerns, even if he did.

:As best I can recall, I returned to my quarters after a group of us had spent time discussing the situation with the heir, and how she hadn't been chosen. I sat down on my bed and woke up in my night clothes, under my blanket. I have no memory of what happened between then and waking up.:

:Do you usually remember falling asleep?: Arctus asked, his tone uncertain.

:I don't remember getting ready for bed, but there's more to it.: He recounted his conversation with Tobin. :I apparently went for a walk that I can't recall and had a conversation I can't recall. I may have been tired, but I couldn't have forgotten something like that. Not without someone else's intervention.:

:I… I don't know what to say,: Arctus replied after a moment. The news seemed to upset him nearly as much as it upset Jebel.

:When you first met Mijad, you told me privately that you felt he was hiding something without knowing he was hiding it. Could it have been a sign that his memory had been tampered with?: Despite his determination to remain calm and unemotional while sharing his concerns with Arctus, his hands were gripping the fence rail in a painfully tight grip. His knuckles were white, which did not escape his Companion's notice. For a long moment, Arctus didn't answer. Jebel could feel his Companion's profound worry over their link.

:It is possible,: Arctus allowed, finally. :Why would someone do that? And how?:

:I was hoping you could tell me.: He considered. :I can only think of one thing, though, I don't know if its relevant. I don't see how it could be.: His eyes wandered the Field as he tried to decide how to broach the subject, rethinking his wording several times. It was at this point, he realized they had an audience. Nearby Companions; some grazing, some standing in small groups, were all focused on them. The grazing Companions had their eyes rolled up to watch the pair. Those that had been occupied with their own conversations were now, not so subtly, watching them.

:What is it?:

:I heard this morning that heir Elspeth was chosen. It's all anyone is talking about.:

:Yes. It is a great relief for us as well,: Arctus confirmed.

:I've heard the name Gwena before,: Jebel continued, :and I recall her being shy, rarely leaving Companion Field, but I have no idea where I learned this. I talked it over with Skif, and he had the same information, but he can't recall either, though, he isn't bothered by that. Neither were the other two Heralds I brought it up with. While I could have just heard it in passing and forgotten, isn't it strange that no one can remember how they learned anything about her?:

He looked around and realized that all of the nearby Companions were staring at him, having given up all pretense. None of them were even pretending to graze, and he could sense something going on between them. He suspected they were talking privately, and he had no doubt Arctus was part of the conversation. Frankly, it was starting to make him nervous.

:Arctus? What's going on?:

:That,: Arctus said after a moment, :is complicated.: The hesitation. The evasion. It was familiar and under the circumstances, most unwelcome.

:Complicated?: Jebel felt his temper start to flare, but forced it down. :This isn't the time for Companion secrets. If you know or even suspect what's happening, you need to tell me. Could an enemy have gotten so close? Is there something unusual about Gwena?:

:Jebel,: Arctus tried for a conciliatory tone, :you've raised a very worrisome issue. None of us are quite sure what to make of this situation. We must try to reach a consensus about what it means and what to do.:

Jebel forced himself to calm down, admitting that it made sense. Although he might not like it, he knew Companions kept secrets for a reason. If they were questioning the anomalies around Gwena, as well… He had no idea what that would mean, but he was certain he didn't like it, and he doubted the Companions did either.

:Okay. I can be patient. Just don't leave me in the dark, here. If we have an enemy that's gotten this close…:

:I know. We're worried, too,: Arctus assured him. :Let us confer among ourselves. For the time being, please keep this matter secret. If there is an enemy, we can't alert them, and if there is another explanation, we can't start a panic.:

Jebel nodded. That, he admitted, made sense. They would need time. He wasn't sure what to do with himself, while they conferred, though. He feared if he tried to go about his normal duties, he'd be jumping at shadows the whole time, alerting the other Heralds to the fact that something was wrong.

He returned to his quarters, telling Arctus, he'd stay sequestered till the next day, claiming he wasn't feeling well. That would give them time to reach a decision. The Companions quickly agreed that it was a sensible course of action, and he headed back. He shielded himself again, just to be safe.

Once back in his room, he thought about what to do next. There seemed little he could do until the Companions reached a decision. For lack of anything better to do, he took his journal from its hiding place and wrote in it about his meeting with Arctus and the reaction of the Companions to his news. He wasn't sure what they would do, but he could understand their need to take time to fully review the facts and understand the situation.

When he finished putting down what salient facts he had, he reviewed his other entries, wondering what else he should remember but didn't. Finally, he set it aside, realizing he was just torturing himself with 'what ifs' and decided he might as well try to sleep off the mild ailment he'd made his excuse for taking the day away from everyone.

OOOOOOOOOO

The Companions did confer for a time, arguing the situation back and forth. Arctus was not happy with the conclusion they reached, even though it was the only one their situation would allow.

:It was sloppy work,: Rolan finally concluded, :and we all share some blame in this matter, but it doesn't change the facts.: The herd's attention focused on Jebel's Companion. :Arctus.:

OOOOOOOOOO

Jebel awoke refreshed and feeling much better than he had when he went to sleep. The fever and aches he had suffered the day before were entirely gone. He got up, and after checking the time of day, decided he could use a bath. Now that he had recovered, he had a feeling it was going to be a good day.

OOOOOOOOOO

He returned to his normal schedule over the next couple of days. He was kept busy with various tasks, routine and otherwise, and it wasn't until he returned to his rooms on the evening of the third day that he realized that he hadn't yet recorded the good news about the heir in his journal. He opened the locked chest, and removed the false bottom he had created for it. Removing his journal and writing materials, he sat at his desk and opened the book. Turning to the last page, he paused in confusion.

What? He read the entry, and then turned back a page, and then another. I didn't write these. He read over the two unfamiliar entries carefully. They were in his hand, and even had the slight distortion in the letters caused by an odd malformation in the quill he had been using lately. It hadn't been troubling enough for him to replace.

He read the entries again, carefully considering the contents and meaning of the entries. Missing memories. I don't remember writing these.

His heart began to pound. He locked down his mental defenses and fortified them, as he had been taught. What the entries suggested was beyond disturbing. Someone had altered his memories, and according to the entry, it had frightened him badly. This was believable as it was frightening him currently as well. Thoughts of Mijad and what he may have gone through in becoming a plaything of that Karsite sorcerer chased themselves through his mind, but by sheer force of will, he calmed himself and set those thoughts aside. He carefully considered the next entry.

I went to see Arctus, which makes sense. He read over that entry again. The implied suspicion about a Companion was especially worrying to Arctus and the others. They had asked for time to consider his news and decide what to do. He had written the details down, despite the risk, to ensure that he would have a reminder if his memories were changed again.

But how?

Why was it he couldn't remember any of this? Surely, Arctus would have been on guard against someone trying to influence him. Something about the entry caught his attention. He read it aloud. "Companion secrets."

He had never told Arctus about his journal. It wasn't a secret, exactly, it had simply never come up. Only a couple of the Heralds knew about it. That didn't mean an enemy wasn't responsible but… He cut off that line of thought.

He didn't even want to consider the possibility, but what other explanation could there be? He read the entry again. Arctus hadn't, it seemed, made any specific statements or promises, which was understandable, but given the way he normally evaded topics he didn't want to talk about, that came across as suspicious. He flipped back through his journal, reviewing earlier entries, reviewing everything he had ever learned about Companions, whether in books, anecdotes, or through direct interaction.

Secrets.

Evasions.

Deceptions.

There were answers that weren't actually answers, sudden changes in topic, broad statements that could be interpreted in several ways making them true but misleading. The more he reviewed what he knew, the more likely his unwanted conclusion seemed. He still didn't want to believe it. It could still be an enemy, though. What would be the point of an enemy changing the memories of one brand new Herald with no real standing among his peers? Wouldn't that run the risk of alerting the Companions? Wouldn't they have noticed something?

Questions ran riot through his mind and he had no answers to any of them. Clearly, some kind of secret was being kept, but he had no idea what it was and could only conjecture that it had something to do with the heir and her new Companion. If his first unremembered entry was right, then his wasn't the only memory to be tampered with. Should he try approaching them with this problem? He shied away from the thought for the time being, trying to calm down and think rationally.

One thing the histories agreed on was that the Companions always acted in the best interests of the country. They chose the Heralds because they were good people. There was also no denying that the country was peaceful and prosperous. They must be doing something right.

That led back to the question of whether he should talk to the other Heralds about his situation.

No. They trust the Companions implicitly. The fact that I no longer can is my problem.

And that was the real issue. Trust. He knew what he had to do.

OOOOOOOOOO

Approaching the fence of Companions' Field, he searched for Arctus. It would be easy to get his attention if Jebel were to lower his shields, but he would not do that. He spotted his Companion out in the field, apparently playing with some of the spring foals, and simply watched for a while.

Pleasant memories of good times they had shared assailed him, but he quashed them. After a time, Arctus noticed him and approached. Jebel could feel the attempts at communication, but he kept his defenses in place.

"I have only one question, and you don't need mindspeech to answer," Jebel said, his tone deliberately cold. "Was it worth it?"

Jebel could feel a more frantic effort at communication, but he would not lower his defenses. "I'm not lowering my defenses, and you know why. Answer the question."

Arctus slowly bowed his head, after a moment he moved it side to side, imitating the human gesture for negation.

"I don't know what secret you're guarding, but it doesn't matter. I'm done." He met Arctus' eyes one last time and lowered his defenses.

:Goodbye.: Then, he did something that shocked all of the Companions.

OOOOOOOOOO

Elcarth looked up as someone entered his office without knocking, surprised to see Jebel there, both out of uniform and looking especially miserable.

"Jebel? What's going on?"

"I'm leaving." Jebel placed his folded leathers on one of the few clear surfaces in the office. Then he placed a hide-bound book on top of them. "The reason is in the last three entries. I don't know what you will do with the knowledge, but I know that you love history and value the truth. So, I'll leave it in your hands."

Without another word, Jebel turned and left. He never returned to the Collegium or even to Haven.

Elcarth picked up the book that he realized must be Jebel's journal. Turning to the marked page, he began to read. He read all three entries twice and then closed the book, badly shaken.

"Gods."

After spending a few moments collecting himself, he opened the book and reread that last entry.

I am betrayed.

I don't remember writing the last two entries. My memories have been changed, again. How many times? I know of two. Others? By the first entry, when I found out my memory was changed, I went to Arctus, the person I trusted most. It was a mistake.

Can't remember that meeting. I've never mentioned my journal to Arctus, and that's the only reason I know what happened. I don't know what secret they guard, but it seems to be about the heir and her Companion, Gwena.

I can draw few conclusions, but I know it was the Companions that did this. They can't lie, but they can deceive. They always act in the land's best interest, but that doesn't mean they can't be a threat. What will happen if what was done to me becomes general knowledge? Valdemar needs the Companions. I don't know what to do.

I am sorry to burden you with this, Elcarth, but I don't know what to do. I leave it in your hands. I am leaving Haven. Please don't try to find me.

It took time for Elcarth to recover his composure and start thinking logically about what he had just learned. When he did, he came to several conclusions rather quickly. Chief among them was that, regardless of Jebel's confidence in him, he was not the one to make decisions about such a grave matter. He took time to consider the facts and the best way to present them, so as not to sound like a paranoid fool. Then, he went to see the queen.

Before leaving, however, he wrote himself a note.