This one came a little early :) I hope you enjoy reading this outtake a little bit in the future. A sensitive subject is discussed within, so I'll alert when sensitive topic is discussed and detailed.
I hope this piece brings awareness towards infertility and loss. If you too have experienced this, please know you're not alone!
When it rains, it pours
But you didn't even notice it ain't rainin' anymore
It's hard to breathe when all you know is
The struggle of stayin' above the risin' water line
Well the sky has finally opened
The rain and wind stopped blowin'
But you're stuck out in the same ol' storm again
You hold tight to your umbrella
Well, darlin', I'm just tryin' to tell ya
That there's always been a rainbow hangin' over your head
-Rainbow-Kacey Musgraves
My stomach rolled for the fourth time today as I adjusted the picture of Edward and I are on honeymoon in the office. As he promised, Italy was incredible. I felt like I was in my natural habitat because of the wine tours we went on and the absolute incredible dishes we had throughout the trip.
However, now even thinking about pasta had my stomach turn. I clutched my stomach as another student came in as I managed to muster a smile at them.
"Mrs. Cullen," she said with a wave as she peered at the two chairs before her curiously. She looked at me with question in her eyes as I gestured to both of them. One was an comfortable office chair with padding while the other was a simple office chair with light padding.
I originally tried this tactic when I started counseling because many of my students quickly took the not as nice chair because that's how they saw themselves. However, giving them the choice enabled them to see that they were entitled to the nice chair too. Sometimes, the whole situation gave them a laugh, which was a good start to a session.
"Can I take this one?" She questioned, gesturing to the small office chair.
"If thats the one you want," I nodded. She hesitated for a minute before taking the nice office chair, which made me crack a smile despite the fact that I felt like horse crap.
We began our session, as I managed to hold myself together before she left my office. With a groan, I dry heaved into my trash can beside my desk before I straightened myself up. I even lost my desire to drink coffee, which is how I knew something was wrong.
Peering at the clock on my wall, I realized I was in my lunch break which made me breathe a sigh of relief. I didn't have an Pepto Bismols with me, so I quickly texted Rose to see if she had her trusty stash.
Rose, do you have Pepto?
Within seconds, I saw gray dots appear on the screen.
Did one of your heathens give you the stomach bug? I got some. Want me to drop them off?
I nearly sang a litany to her at her words as I nodded vigorously before typing in the school address. I leaned back against my desk as I smiled at the picture of Edward and me. Soon after we got back, we fell into an easy rhythm since he was in off season. While he was around the house more, he still had to go on various trips for endorsements and commercials. Thanks to Zoom, he didn't have to fly around as much for interviews.
When we came back from our honeymoon, Renee reached out for another meeting which I accepted. This time we met for lunch, which meant we had more time with each other. I didn't break down in tears after the meeting like I had before, but seeing her after all this time apart was not a cake walk. We met regularly promising to meet once a month. She desired to meet Edward, but I cautioned her saying that was a possibility going down the road.
Although Edward pledged he'd do anything for me, including meeting my mother, I wasn't ready to share that part of my life with her. I was protective over that part of my life, especially with someone who had a known history of bolting.
Truthfully, Edward was a more trusting person than I was, and I couldn't stomach the thought of her hurting him. My office phone rang, which startled me as our front desk person informed me Rose was here. With a garbled sigh, I managed to stand upright before shuffling into the office. Rose studied me for a minute as we walked into my office. Shutting the door behind her, she grasped the tops of my shoulders.
"Jesus, Bella, I mean this with all the love in the world but you look like hell," she murmured, placing a hand on my forehead. She frowned as she felt that I didn't have a fever. She placed the bottle of Pepto chews in my hand as she examined me.
"How long have you been feeling like this?" She questioned, raising an eyebrow. I thought back in my mind for a moment. My stomach had been acting up for the past week as I expected my period two weeks ago, which made my eyes widen.
Since my endometriosis diagnosis, I went ahead with the surgery two months before our wedding to remove as much of it as possible, which meant I had higher odds of becoming pregnant. However, with inconsistent cycles, I thought that I would take longer to conceive.
Could that mean I was pregnant? My heart pounded in my chest as I clutched my stomach for a whole different reason. If I was pregnant, I knew Edward would be absolutely thrilled. He was adorably excited at the thought although he urged me that he'd wait as long as I wanted.
"Bella?" Rose called me out of my thoughts as I met her eyes.
"A week now. Rose, I'm late," I muttered, shock coloring my tone. Her eyebrows pushed together for a moment as she saw me take the Peptos.
"To your next session? I can leave," she offered. I shook my head, she misunderstood my words.
"No, Rose, I'm late," I explained, enunciating the late. Her eyes flashed open wide as understanding as she grinned at me. Alice and Rose were fully aware that I had been off birth control since our wedding, and were fully supportive of us becoming parents.
She squeezed my hand in hers before she spoke.
"This is exciting. Did you test yet? Tell Edward?" She questioned. Edward was out of town all week because he was in LA for another advertisement deal, which meant we talked during the night time. Although he suspected I didn't feel well, he didn't put the pieces together yet. Somehow, even with a few hours separating us, we still managed to make time for each other.
"I didn't put the pieces together until now. I'll test after school," I replied. She clutched my hand in hers as she bobbed her head.
"Let me know if you want me to pick one up for you," she said, with a wide grin on her face. I shook my head, thanking her. I was more than capable of going to a CVS to grab a test after school.
"Thanks, Rose, I'll call you later," I assured her. She gave me one more hug before she left. My hands shook as I worked to regulate my breathing. My stomach was in knots the remainder of the day. Once the bell rang and the kids were on busses, I nearly sprinted back to my office to locate my purse and almost full cup of coffee.
Usually I stayed thirty minutes after school to write case notes, but I shut my computer before tucking the case under my arm. Once I reached my car, I breathed a sigh of relief. With my whole body vibrating, I made my way into the CVS aisles.
I didn't realize how many options of tests there were and I just grabbed as many as I could. With my plastic bag in hand, I unlocked the front door of our house as I threw my computer on the bar island before retreating into the bathroom with my bag of tests.
My hands fiddled with the clear wrapping paper of the test as I cussed at the damn box, which took an advanced degree to open. My hands finally managed to open the box as two tests slid out, covered in plastic.
With a resigned groan, I opened up the two tests. Once I finished, I placed both tests on the ground of the master bathroom. The three minutes seemed to take an eternity before I studied both of them.
My shaky hands held one test as I peered at the window where two vivid lines showed up. With tears in my eyes, I studied the second as I let out a nervous laugh. Fixing my eyes on them, I let the tears fall down my cheeks.
I didn't have an ultrasound for reassurance yet, but I did know these tests didn't lie. For added assurance, I took another brand which gave me the same result. I set the tests on the bathroom counter as I typed up case notes on my bed.
As I hit save on the Word document, Edward's name flashed across my phone screen for a Facetime. I was sure I looked exactly how I felt, I pushed my glasses up on my nose as I hit accept.
"Hi, sweetheart," he greeted, his eyes studying me.
"Hi," I murmured, my voice cracking. I nearly burst into tears at seeing him, which I'm sure was a direct result of my news. However, I would wait to tell him until he came home, which was another day away.
"B, how are you feeling?" He asked me, worry coloring his face. Of course he'd remember that I wasn't feeling great. In the short span of a month, he graduated from the most considerate fiancee on the planet to husband.
"Today was rough, but I'll be fine," I assured him. His smile dropped off his face as his worry intensified. He brushed a hand through his short hair, as he sighed.
"Did you have dinner yet?" Edward questioned. The idea of dinner made me nauseous as I shook my head. He was about to go into worry overdrive, since he was already constantly worried I didn't eat enough.
"Maybe you should go to the doctor tomorrow. I'm sure I could call Carlisle and..." he began, trailing off. While his concern was sweet, I didn't need him to totally freak out because I already knew the culprit.
"No, I'll go on Monday. Edward, I'm really okay," I assured him. He let out a sigh before he propped himself up on the chair behind him.
"Promise me you'll eat something tonight, B," he murmured. My lips turned upwards as I bobbed my head.
"I will, worry wart. Now, how were your commercials? Did they make you have a sense of humor?" I asked him, which made him crack a smile that didn't reach his eyes. This week, he was in a commercial for Subway.
"I think I'm hilarious, B. It was fine, luckily the shoot didn't take hours so I was able to get some interviews in. I miss you like crazy though, I'm counting down the next eighteen hours until I can see you," he admitted. My heart swelled as I smiled at him on screen.
Being away from him was never easy especially now that we were married. As much as a part of me wanted to travel with him, I knew that I needed to be here too for my students and my players.
That didn't mean the man didn't make regular appearances in my dreams every single night when he was away. I didn't even want to think about the upcoming season, where he would be gone for longer stretches.
"I miss you too," I returned. He smiled brightly at me as we continued our conversation about our work weeks. While I was knee deep in paper work, with some softball thrown into the mix as I worked towards next season, Edward was helping Em has he recovered from a shoulder injury during the off season.
"Bella," he called after a lull of silence between us. He never called me Bella, so I knew whatever he had to say was important. My eyes reached his as a slow smile stretched across my lips.
"I love you so much, beautiful girl. Please go eat something and go to bed," he said, his green eyes meeting mine with such intensity I nearly looked away. He constantly took care of me, even if he was a few states away. I'm sure once I revealed to him that I was pregnant, this would only intensify.
"I love you too, Edward. I'll pick you up at the airport tomorrow at noon," I assured him. His responding smile was bright before we said goodbye. With a huff, I burst down the stairs to find saltines in the kitchen.
Surely these were safe from my upset stomach. I managed to eat ten before throwing down a glass of water. My phone chirped again with notification from Rose, who of course had questions.
As I laid down in our king size bed, which felt too big without him in it, I called her back. My lips perked up into a smile when I thought about Edward's quips that I took up most of the bed when I was easily a foot shorter than him.
"Rose," I greeted. She looked me over as if she was looking over an artifact at a museum before she opened her mouth to speak.
"You look better," she commented. In all honesty, I felt better. I didn't feel the urge to vomit every five seconds, which was a big relief from where I was earlier in the day. I mustered a genuine smile at her as I bobbed my head.
"I ate like ten saltines," I replied as if it were a personal accomplishment.
"I'm glad. Listen, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to, especially since Edward needs to know first," she assured me. My lips turned upwards as I chuckled at her. She already knew I bought the test.
"How did you know I bought the test?" I questioned, quirking an eyebrow. She rolled her eyes at me over Facetime as she let out a harsh curt laugh.
"I know you," she replied simply.
"I really want Edward to find out first and I haven't gone to an OB yet," I replied. Rose nodded before a hesitant smile spread across her lips.
"Okay, B. If you need anything tonight, call me. I'm glad Edward gets home tomorrow, though. Emmett is off in New York for some ad campaign so I'll be by myself for the next couple of days," she murmured with a frown.
Rose despised being by herself for any amount of time. As a natural extrovert, she always had to be around people. Meanwhile, Alice set solitary time to fuel her creative juices.
"You could always get to all the repairs you need to do around the house," I suggested. She muttered a few curse words before shaking her head. She insisted she was hellbent on changing the backsplash in the kitchen, but shrugged it off.
"Don't speak the words, Bella. Love you," she said. When my case notes were finished, I scurried to the closest CVS to buy as many tests as I could. I figured I should buy several different brands just in case.
I nearly sprinted to the bathroom when I got home. While I waited on the tests, I found several saltines to fill my stomach. With a gasp, I realized all four tests were positives with faint double lines on each.
I felt shock course through me as I realized I was pregnant. I was carrying Edward's child, and I knew he'd be thrilled. Then I realized I had absolute zero ideas how to tell him, which made anxiety course through me.
He would be home tomorrow which meant I needed to act quickly. Huffing, I grabbed my keys again before driving to a Target to find a letter board and some balloons. After searching the aisles, I finally located what I wanted.
As soon as I walked through the door, a fresh wave of nausea greeted me as I dry heaved again. I bailed on the idea of a typical dinner as I fixed my eyes on the saltines and a bottle of water.
My phone chirped with a notification from Edward for a Facetime as I trudged up the stairs before jumping to the bed. I pressed accept as I saw Edward's face pop up on my screen.
"Hi, sweetheart. How are you?" He asked, clearly he was a few hours behind me as the sun still shined in the background.
"Eh," I said with a shrug. He grimaced, as he knew I'd been struggling with nausea the entire week.
"When I get back maybe we can go to the doctor? I'm worried, B," he admitted, worry shining on his features.
"I'm fine, Edward, really," I assured him. He drew in a deep breath as he shook his head. He could read me like a book.
"You've felt like shit all week, baby. I hate not being there to take care of you," he said with a frown. My lips turned upwards slightly for a moment. He was entirely too good for me.
"It's okay, Edward. How were your interviews?" I asked him, eager to change the topic. We talked about our work weeks before he looked at the time and realized it was very late where I was.
We said our goodbyes, and hung up. I descended down the stairs to triple lock all the doors. After months of therapy, I was still terrified of being alone especially in my own home. Despite Edward installing a state of the art security system, I still battled the little thoughts in my head.
My mind went to that night at our apartment whenever Edward was gone. During our marriage counseling, we discussed how to handle these situations. I felt my heartbeat grow faster by the moment as I hesitantly grabbed my phone once I was in bed again.
I didn't want to bother him with this, despite the fact he constantly assured me I wasn't bothering him. He insisted that asking for what I needed to feel safe wasn't selfish, and it wasn't running him dry.
With a sigh, I pressed his contact button for Facetime. On the second ring, Edward answered. His features looked anxious as they met mine, searching my eyes for distress.
"B, did you get sick? Are you okay?" He shot off questions quicker than I could answer.
"I just called because I started to get scared again, it sucks when you're not here," I replied, biting my lip. He seemed to relax slightly as he leaned against the headboard behind him. Usually, he called me until I fell asleep.
"I hate not being with you, trust me it's hell," he muttered, with a sullen smirk. Whenever Emmett and Edward travelled together, Em always complained that Edward was ten times worse to be around when he wasn't with me.
I could understand because being with him brought out the best in me. While there were perks to his job including the income, we did face the barrier of distance more often than I like. Even if he was easily hundreds of miles away from me, the sound of his voice made me feel safe.
"How is Leah?" I questioned as I gripped the covers closer to me.
"She's good actually. She and Bree are adopting so she's been slammed between work and her home ready," he replied. He continued to talk about his advertisement campaign as I drifted my eyes closed.
He could sense I was holding onto the brink of consciousness as his voice got quieter.
"You're almost there, B. I can hear your breaths getting longer. I can't wait to see you tomorrow, because being away from you sucks. I hate that I wasn't able to take care of you this time, but don't worry I'll take care of you tomorrow. It's funny I thought about getting you a mug with the words "I love you so damn much, Bella Cullen" on it, but then I realized we already have an extensive mug collection." His voice lowered as I finally submitted to sleep.
Sun streamed through my window, which made me stretch towards the sunlight reflecting on our bed. However, my stomach had different ideas. I raced off into the bathroom to expel any contents of my stomach. Once I was able to catch my breath, I leaned back against the claw foot tub.
"Ugh," I muttered, wiping my mouth before going vertical to brush my teeth. Despite my best intentions, I ended up in front of the toilet again.
"You're not making this easy on me, are you?" I asked, my hand moving to my still flat stomach as I dropped my head back against the ceramic tub. After around thirty minutes without tossing my cookies, I eased myself up again in time for the door bell to ring downstairs.
I didn't even want to think about the mess I looked like as I grabbed a hoodie to throw over me as I walked down the stairs. Through the glass panes surrounding the door, I saw a delivery person with a brown bag.
The delivery person handed me the brown bag as I located a bottle of Pepto, peppermint tea, peppermint essential oil, and a bottle of Pedialyte. There was a note inside from Edward, which made my heart swell.
"You're too sweet, Edward," I muttered under my breath as I opened the bottle of Pedialyte before taking a few sips. Somehow, I managed to stomach a bowl of cereal, which took every ounce in me to get down.
My eyes fixed on my computer as I decided to finish up case notes before picking up Edward from the airport. The case notes provided a nice distraction from the consistent waves of nausea I felt.
Although my stomach could lurch at any moment, I managed to finish the case notes unscathed before downing a few more sips of Pedialyte and five saltines. There wasn't a way I could keep our news from him any longer. Talking to him last night was torture because we always told each other everything.
Therefore, I had to tell him today. The butterflies in my stomach were for a completely different reason as I dashed up the stairs to inflate the balloons. Grabbing the two tests in the bathroom, I laid them on the already made bed before hanging the balloons over the bed.
With the letter board, I wrote out the phrase "oh baby." My efforts were not Pinterest worthy, but they were functional and got the important point across which is all that mattered. Once I decided the bedroom was ready for him to see, I found a razor back ribbed tee shirt and a pair of jeans before I bolted down the stairs.
Edward would tease me mercilessly for being late, since I was already late to almost everything. When I moved in, he assured me I could use his car to drive if I wanted, but I was more comfortable in my beat up sedan.
He called it a death trap since it had a few hundred thousand miles on it, but she was a reminder of how I built a life for myself. The airport came into view as I turned onto the access road.
I managed to find the gate as I immediately saw Edward, searching for me. When his eyes landed on me, he broke into a wide grin as he sprinted towards me. Without missing a beat, he enveloped me into his arms as he spun me around twice.
"Hi, sweetheart," he murmured in my ear before leaning down to kiss my lips. He poured every ounce of passion into that kiss, after we'd been apart for a week. He pulled back to set me back on my feet.
"How was your flight?" I asked him, he shrugged as he clutched his bags in one hand as the other hand wrapped around my waist.
"Not as much turbulence this time," he replied.
"Can I take a bag for you?" I asked him, feeling strange he was carrying bags when I was supposed to be helping him. In response, he raised an eyebrow as he looked down at me.
"You've felt like shit this entire week. The last thing I'm going to ask is for you to carry my crap," he reminded me, a slight grimace on his face. I knew he felt guilty for not being here, but I didn't want him to shoulder that.
"Edward, I'm really fine. I promise," I assured him. A light bulb went off in my mind as I realized I forgot to thank him for the delivery this morning. My eyes met his as I let a smile cross my lips.
"Thank you for the delivery this morning, it made my whole morning," I admitted. His lips turned upwards into a smile that didn't reach his eyes as he nodded. He threw the bags in the back of my car before I passed him the keys. I still wasn't feeling peak, and I didn't want to have an issue on the road.
"Of course, B, I hate that I wasn't there to take care of you so I figured it was the next best thing," he said with a slight smile. He was always incredibly thoughtful, which made me wonder what deity I was in good graces with to deserve someone like him.
As he backed out of the parking space, my stomach lurched at the movement as I gripped the upholstered seat. His eyes, missing nothing, found mine as worry shined in them.
"You still feeling crappy?" He asked one hand reaching for mine.
"My stomach just feels awful," I admitted. His worry intensified as he studied me before his eyes returned to the road stretched out in front of us. I could see the gears turning in his head as he wrestled with his thoughts for a moment.
I was positive he was considering taking me to the emergency room, which was a preposterous idea.
"Maybe we should go to the Urgent Care, B. I'm really worried about you," he murmured, a frown punctuating his lips.
"I'll be fine. Just car sick, Edward," I assured him. He tried to slow down to assuage my upset stomach, which I knew was torture for him since he was accustomed to driving faster. He gave me one more sideways glance before returning his eyes to the road.
Once we reached the house, I expelled the contents of my stomach again as Edward came around quickly to hold my hair and rub my back.
"Ugh," I moaned as I leaned back against him. He let out a frustrated sigh as he helped me in the house. Despite my protests, he insisted I laid on the couch as he handed me a glass of water.
"B, I think we should go see a doctor, babe. This isn't normal and it's starting to scare me," he said, as he handed me a tall glass of water. My plans of an elaborate announcement were dashed as he looked like he was battling with himself to cart me off to an ER.
"I feel better now," I assured him, which was correct. He gave me a sideways look as he leaned closer to me, holding my hands in his. With every courageous ounce I had, I breathed in deeply before lookin at him.
"Edward, I have a surprise for you. It's in our bedroom." I said, my heart thundering in my chest. He shook his head as he tried to process my words as his bemused eyes met mine.
I couldn't back out now, especially when he was as worried as he was. I intertwined my hands with his as I walked him up the stairs. My body was vibrating with anticipation as I swung open the bedroom door.
His eyes took in the balloons first before they landed on the sign. With wide eyes, he stalked over to the bed as his long fingers held the pregnancy tests in his hand. His mouth flew open as a gasp came out of his mouth.
"Really, B?" He questioned and I nodded my head. He was over like a shot, wrapping his sturdy arms around me before spinning me around three times. His lips peppered my face with kisses as he hitched my legs around his waist.
"Are you happy?" I asked him, tentatively. His eyes studied me for a moment, awe struck, before he smiled a mega watt grin. He let out a chuckle as he bobbed his head a few times.
"Happy is an understatement, baby girl. Thrilled. Thank you," he whispered in my ear. My lips upturned into a bright smile as he held me close, the balloons and the sign on the ground as his lips kissed me everywhere he could reach.
Our excitement for our upcoming arrival continued as Christmas drew close. We kept our news semi-private, with only our families knowing. Even though I was worried we wouldn't be able to keep the secret long, I didn't have a significant bump yet. Plus, I could easily hide the bump with loose fitting sweaters.
Edward was exceptionally proud of himself when he found out we conceived during our honeymoon. He praised his swimmers, which made me chuckle. A few weeks before Christmas, I was twelve weeks and nearing the end of my first trimester. As I trudged into my office that morning, I realized my pelvic cramps were stronger than normal. Throughout my pregnancy, I had light pelvic cramps which my doctor assured me was normal.
The pelvic cramps increased throughout the day as I saw my students. Alice and Rose insisted on going shopping after school today. They were both in town as Alice was here as a midway point to Los Angelos.
Edward and I wrestled with our Christmas plans, dividing up holidays between the Cullens and Sue and Charlie was difficult. Holidays with my father were usually much smaller scale than the Cullens because he was often called in.
We both decided to see the Cullens on Christmas day and then see Charlie and Sue the following day. I couldn't stomach flying while pregnant since I already felt nauseous when I wasn't pregnant flying.
Once we saw Charlie, we would stop to visit my grandparents. Ilina and Shiloh did not receive any communication from Renee although I agreed to see her once a month. The visits we shared escalated to lunches, which were nice.
Edward worried the entire time I was with her, but ultimately respected my wishes. Since I was going to become a mother, I figured I needed to work on my relationship with my biological one even if our relationship wasn't traditional.
After my dismissal duty, I left my computer at my desk before grabbing my purse. My cramps continued to steadily get worse as I swallowed an Ibuprofen with my water bottle before hustling to my car.
Even though my doctor assured me my "morning sickness" would decrease after my first trimester, I ended up losing weight as opposed to gaining it. Of course this scared the crap out of Edward, who tried everything imaginable to get me to eat more.
However, any type of food had my stomach roll except for saltines and plain chicken. While I missed spicy foods terribly, the smell had my nose turn up. He made sure he was available for all of my appointments. His eyes welled with tears when he heard our baby's heart beat for the first time.
As I parked my car, Alice and Rose immediately bolted to me. When I swung the door open, they enveloped me in their arms. Alice looked slightly tanner, which she attributed to the Houston sun.
"Bella, it's so good to see you. I missed you so bad. Our Facetimes aren't cutting it," Alice murmured as she pulled away.
"I missed you too, Ali. It's hard to be without your crazy ass all the time," I said with a chuckle. Rose and Alice returned glances to each other as we walked into one of the small bougie boutiques.
"So you're visiting Jasper's parents after Christmas?" I asked her as I thumbed through earrings. Alice sighed with a nod as she thumbed through a rack of dresses beside me. Jasper's family was a ranching family, and their political opinions did not match up even slightly. She lamented that they always asked her when they were having kids.
"Yeah, they're really sweet people, I just get tired of answering the kids question. It's exhausting," she muttered with a frown. Sympathy coursed through me as I exchanged a glance with her.
"I'm really sorry, that has to be tough. As long as you and Jasper are happy that's all that matters," I reminded her. Alice gave me a slight smile as she found a blue dress with a grin on her face.
My fingers skimmed the gold drop earrings in my hands that I could see Sue wearing. I brandished the earrings to Alice and Rose for their approval as both of them gave me a thumbs up.
"Cute, Bella, she'll love it," Rose assured me as she looked at the shoes rack beside her. I went to the check out line without difficulty. However, after the cashier rang up, I felt the cramps return with a vengeance as the pressure almost knocked the air out of me.
Alice and Rose stared at me as they helped me out of the salon. I leaned against the brick wall behind us, regulating my breaths as I felt like I needed to go to the bathroom.
"Bathroom," I muttered, feebly. Alice and Rose sprung into action as they led me through the next department store to the bathroom. When I was safely in a stall, dread coursed through me as I realized I was bleeding heavily.
Sensitive subject begins here
A wave of dizziness overtook me as I leaned against the stall wall. I knew something was terribly wrong and I also knew I had to remain calm. I murmured Alice's name as she wrenched open the stall to find me on the ground.
She took me in before she called Rose to help me up. They raced through the department store before depositing me into the back seat of the car. Rose sat beside me as she stroked my hair.
"We're going to take you to the hospital, okay? We're here with you," Rose said, her voice steady as her eyes searched mine. The light bulb went off in my head that I needed to call Edward. He was doing Zoom interviews at home, which meant he was in the same geographical area.
My fingers shakily hit his number as he answered on the second ring. I cleared my throat in attempt to remain as calm as possible.
"B? Hey, how is shopping with Alice? Has she tortured you sufficiently yet?" Edward asked, a hint of a smile in his voice. Under any other circumstance, his voice would put me at ease.
"Edward, something is wrong," I said, holding back the sob stuck in my throat. I heard a commotion in the background before he breathed unsteadily into the phone.
"B, what's going on?" He questioned, panic rising in his throat. Rose gave me a sympathetic look before squeezing my hand to urge me to continue.
"I'm having really bad cramps and I'm bleeding a lot. I feel really dizzy, so Alice and Rose are taking me to the hospital," I said, my voice breaking. I heard a sharp intake of breath along with keys jangling before he answered.
"I'm on my way, baby girl. I love you so much and we're going to take care of you, okay?" He questioned, his voice strained as he meant to remain calm.
"I love you," I murmured, before handing Rose the phone. The rest of the car ride was silent as Rose ran her hands through my hair soothingly as Alice pushed the acceleration to get us to the hospital in record time.
I fought to regulate my breaths, which came out as pants. The hospital came into view as Alice rounded the emergency department culdesac before Rose helped me out of the car. While Alice went up ahead to talk to the receptionist, Rose sat me down in a plastic chair.
"We're going to take care of you, Bella. Edward will be here in seconds, I'm sure he's defying the laws of physics to get here," Rose reminded me, squeezing my hand. Despite the waves of pain, I mustered a tiny smile.
Within seconds, Edward burst through the doors with a duffle bag thrown over his shoulder as his frantic eyes met mine. He broke into a sprint to kneel beside me, his warm hands encasing my now cold ones.
I wasn't sure if I was going into shock, but my fingers grew colder by the minute as I felt less connected to my body. His hands squeezed mine three times before he kissed my fingers.
"Hi, B," he murmured softly, as he tried not to startle me. I didn't meet his eyes as I set my gaze steadily forward. I worried I already lost the baby, the steady sinking feeling in my stomach had me questioning.
Would he look at me different? How could he stand to look at me? Maybe I shouldn't have gone shopping with Alice and Rose and insisted on that appointment with my OB. Maybe if I had some sense all of this could have been avoided.
"Sweetheart," he called out again, a little louder. My eyes finally flickered to his. While his eyes strained to reflect calm, mine were frantic as he squeezed my arms, a tactic to help calm me down.
"I can't pretend to imagine what you're feeling right now, B, but I'm here. And I need you. We're going to get through this, love, you just gotta stay with me," he said, practically begging me.
Our vows played in my head, as I remembered we promised to not run in the bad times. We promised each other to stand with each other, and he was my anchor right now. I squeezed his hands in mine as I nodded.
A triage nurse came out to put me on a gurney as they questioned Edward, since I was hardly in a state to answer questions. He held my hand in his as they rolled me back into a room separated by curtains.
"Mrs. Cullen, can you tell us when this started?" A nurse questioned as she took my vitals. I fought against the sobs in my throat as I cleared my throat.
"I had cramps all morning and I called my OB who told me they were normal. I took an Ibuprofen around two, and then went shopping with my friends. The cramps got way worse and I felt really dizzy in the bathroom," I said, way more eloquently than I thought possible.
She hooked me up to an IV, as she typed down my notes.
"The doctor will come in a little bit, we started you on an IV drip. Your blood pressure is a little high," she reported. Edward thanked her before he met my gaze. His hands framed my face as he leaned his forehead against mine.
"I'm here, baby girl," he whispered against my cheeks, his warm breath fanning across them. As my heart rate ticked up, his eyes met mine again as he coached me with my breaths. During marriage counseling we talked about how to de-escalate me when I was having a panic attack.
He recognized my signs of a panic attack easily as he coached me with my breathing. While my chest protested at breathing in slowly, I knew slowing my breathing prevented me from going into a full fledged panic attack.
After a few cycles of breathing, my heart rate finally decreased, which made his shoulders drop in relief. The curtain flew open as a female doctor in a white coat came in flanked by the nurse.
"Ms. Cullen, I'm going to take a quick peek okay?" She said, pushing her glasses over the bridge of her nose. I bobbed my head before moving my shaky legs into the stirrups. After her exam, she pursed her lips before she faced Edward and I.
She asked the technician to order an ultra-sound to confirm. With every last piece of hope in me, I prayed she could hear a heartbeat. However, the heart monitor was silent as I let out an Earth shattering wail. Like a shot, his arms were around me.
"I am so sorry, but you are having a miscarriage. There are a few ways we can go from now," she said, her eyebrows knitting in concern. I felt like the wind was knocked out of me as a strangled sob left my throat.
How could I let this happen? I made sure to cut out caffeine, I ate well, I exercised, I took my prenatal vitamins...I went to my doctor frequently and constantly looked for reassurance. All of those efforts felt like they were in vain. Edward attempted to hide the pain in his eyes before his eyes met mine as he squeezed my hand.
There were tears in his eyes as his hands framed my face. I wanted to crumble into pieces right then and there. However, I breathed in a deep sigh before I turned to the doctors with my last stitch of hope.
"There's nothing I can do? I took vitamins, I went to my OB often. I ate well, I gave up coffee..." I said, my voice breaking at the end. At my words, her face softened as she shook her head emphatically.
"Miscarriages are very common in the first trimester. Even if you are doing all the right things, they can still happen. We can give you some medication to help speed along the process along with some pain medication," she suggested.
I wasn't sure if I wanted my baby inside me for longer when I knew they were no longer with us. Should I hold onto them in my body or let them go? Edward's eyes traced to mine as he gripped my hands in both of his.
"What do you want to do, sweetheart? Your call," he assured me. I didn't know what I wanted to do. I didn't know if I could go through this at home without reassurance that what was happening was normal. I didn't want Edward to have to take the brunt of taking care of me, although I knew he would.
"Can I stay here? And get the medication? I questioned, tears in my voice as she nodded.
"Of course. The process usually takes..." her words seemed to drown out as I let myself fall into the abyss I wanted to drown in for the past few hours. Edward never left my side the entire process, which with the medicine took a few hours.
They offered me pain medication, but I rejected it. Instead I laid in silence as Edward's arms never left me. He whispered words of encouragement to me, although I was positive he was going through the waves of emotions too.
Tears fell from his eyes as his arms held onto me like an anchor. Once the process was mostly complete, they discharged me with a list of instructions. When we arrived at the house, I stayed in bed for a few days.
The weeks following felt like a dirge as I repeated the same cycle of events over and over again. After a few days, I went to work, made dinner, cleaned every piece of the house I could, and took medication to help me sleep.
Sensitive subject details end here
Edward insisted on staying home as he cancelled all his out of town appearances. When three weeks passed, he sat down next to me as I examined a scratch on the wall. My fingernails were raw from scrubbing the walls as I stared at it.
"The damn scratch won't come out," I said, my voice gravelly. His responding expression reflected as if he heard me speak for the first time in weeks. He scooted closer to me as he peered at the scratch.
"Baby, that's been here since I bought the house," he commented. My lips pursed into a thin line as I pressed harder with the magic eraser against the wall, giving all my might. As he saw me press harder against the wall, he gingerly took the magic eraser out of my hands.
"It's not coming out, B. C'mon, I'll make you some lunch. Your favorite, a hummus and veggie sandwich just like the ones at Panera," he offered, almost begging me. My eyes flicked to his in determination before I pressed harder against the wall.
After scrubbing frivolously for a few minutes, I felt a wave of tears hit me as I let out a strangled sob. I thought cleaning could distract me from the hole inside me, but instead the hole just got wider by the day. I wanted to be swallowed up by it.
As I fell backwards, he caught me effortlessly as he sat on the floor next to me. He rocked me back and forth as I let the waves roll over me. I wanted to be numb. I wanted to not feel anymore.
Even though I did every tactic to keep him away, he never wavered. I threw my best attitude at him, and he just shrugged it off. I could see the pain in his eyes. I could see how he stared at the guest bedroom that would have been the nursery. I could see him wake up in the middle of the night to check on me and pull the covers back over me. I hated that I did this to him, that I made him shoulder the pain I felt. Sometime later, I felt him lift me up before laying me down on the couch.
As I resurfaced, his hands gentle as ever, stroked my cheeks and face.
"How can you still love me? I've been awful to you," I murmured. His eyebrows knitted together in concern before he laid my head in his lap.
"I will always love you, Bella Cullen. I made a vow to you to always love and honor you, and I don't intend on breaking it," he replied simply. My eyes welled up with tears as I met his gaze.
His eyes welled with tears of his own as he looked down at me. I could finally see the lines of worry on his face along with the faint scruff on his face. I realized then that my pain was his pain, just as we vowed.
"I just need you to come back to me, baby. It's like I'm living with a ghost, sweetheart," he murmured. I bobbed my head as he held me, his safe arms encircling me. I didn't know what deity I had to thank for allowing me to have him.
Edward rocked us gently before I felt a smooth kiss on my forehead, even despite the animal growing on his face.
"I called Alice and Rose over," he murmured softly before he went over to go get the door. Both of them greeted her before they stalked over to the couch. Edward gave them a nod before his eyes rested on me.
"I'm going to go shave, since I know the animal on my face bothers you." He said with a small smile. I straightened myself up before tugging on the tee shirt I wore. He ascended up the staircase as Rose and Alice sat on either side of me. Rose studied me for a moment before she pursed her lips.
"Welcome back to the planet, B," Rose said, her eyes meeting mine with determination.
"I've been here. I went to work, cleaned the house, ate, and slept." I argued, feebly. I put one foot in front of the other these past few weeks which felt like a damn marathon. Rose had one of my hands in hers.
"You existed, Bella. You didn't live. You pushed everyone away. I know you've been through hell, no one is debating that. I know I can't sympathize directly with what you're feeling right now. Your feelings are valid and real," she murmured.
"You can't keep living like this," Alice added in.
"You gotta come back now. You're slipping away from us," Rose said, which demanded me to open my mouth.
"I want to be alone," I said, a feeble lie which they easily read.
"No you don't. Bella, you have to get back up again. You are the strongest woman I know, and I know you'd be cussing yourself out if you saw yourself like this. You have people who love you," Rose said with a sad smile.
Alice fidgeted for a moment before she smoothed an errant hair behind my ear.
"We need you. Edward, oh god, Edward has been a wreck without you. He loves you so much, you have to come back to him because he needs you," she reminded. At his name, tears pooled in my eyes as I finally let myself feel the one emotion I was terrified of: shame.
I felt like I didn't deserve the love he gave so freely, especially after I lost our baby. I failed him, I failed us. Every single night, Edward helped into the shower. We barely spoke in the shower as I pretended the water washed away every emotion I felt.
He stood there and washed my hair for me as he held me close. He fulfilled our vows to each other every single day by honoring me and caring for me. How did I thank him? I barely looked at him in the eye because I knew I'd crack.
"It hurts, it hurts so bad. I should have been stronger...Maybe if..." I began, as if I just ran the freaking marathon. With each word, I felt the snowball that threatened to crush me melt slightly.
"No, don't you dare blame yourself. What happened to you is not your fault. It's not fair, babe. But your story isn't over yet," Rosalie said, as she rubbed my arms as I let tears stream down my face.
"He doesn't blame you," Alice said, uttering the words that set me free from the prison I let myself live in. Finally, I let the mask I concocted and designed fall from my face as I let tears overtake me.
She managed to shine light on my biggest fear. I shook my head as my head ached from all the tears I let loose.
"But how?" I questioned, my lower lip wiggling. I heard my favorite heavy footsteps before a low velvet voice spoke.
"Because it wasn't your fault," he replied simply. My eyes traced to his, which reflected pain and sympathy. I murmured my thanks to Alice and Rose as they slipped out, giving us privacy.
Edward ran over to me on the couch as another wave of tears rolled over me. He wrapped me tightly in his arms.
"It hurts so bad, Edward. I wanted our baby so bad. I wanted to make you a father, you are meant to be an incredible father," I confessed between sobs. He kissed my forehead in response before he spoke.
"I wanted our baby too, sweetheart. I wanted to watch you grow big with our baby and see you become an amazing mother. You already are an amazing mother, B. Our someday will happen, just not this time," he whispered into my ear.
I pressed my head into his chest as he soothingly rubbed my back.
"I need you, B. I can't do this by myself. I need you to help us get through this," he murmured, nearly pleading with me. I realized I had him shoulder the pain completely by himself, and I hated that he was alone in his pain.
I bobbed my head against his chest as I clung to him. His fingers wound through my hair as he held me close. There was an undeniable sense of safety in his arms, which I should have never taken for granted.
"Can you do something for me?" He questioned, as he pulled back to look at me. I peered at him through my tear filled eyes as he wiped away the stray tears with his fingers.
"There's a sandwich waiting for you, can you eat it?" He questioned. I whimpered a yes before he led me over to the bar island where a white plate held a sandwich divided into two pieces.
He sat beside me as he ate his own sandwich while carefully watching me. He cleared his throat before he scratched his head nervously. I peered over at him as I gave him a supportive smile.
"I booked us a trip to the Cayman Islands. I think it'd be good for us to get away over Christmas and spend time together. I understand if you're not up for it. Are you game for it?" Edward questioned, his eyes shining with anxiousness and a shred of hope. I reached across the table for his had, the first time I'd initiated contact in weeks as I squeezed it.
He constantly amazed me with his unbelievable love for me that some how abounded even when I was a class one piece of work. The thought of spending some alone time with him brought butterflies back as I nodded.
"Yes," I agreed. His arms were around me in seconds as he lifted me off the floor. We would make it through this storm to our someday.
As promised, the trip to the Cayman Islands was exactly what we needed. I wasn't ready to deflect a thousand questions about how I was doing during the holidays. We spent time reconnecting. After our trip, I went to my doctor to join a support group for women who experienced loss like me.
While we didn't try to prevent pregnancy, we didn't try to get pregnant immediately. Although each time I had my period, I burst into tears because part of me wanted to be pregnant again. We recognized we didn't have to replace the void in our heart right now, but we wanted a new part of heart to be taken up.
In the beginning of March, over a year after our miscarriage, I sat in my office after the school day ended forcing down a granola bar since my salad I packed for lunch made me queasy. Edward was away for training camp and pre-season, which left me alone most of the work weeks.
Edward's team won the World Series earlier that year, and I was lucky enough to fly out to see it alongside of his parents and Rose. His eyes lit up like Christmas lights when he hit a ground rule double which placed the Diamondbacks ahead of the Yankees in the last inning. I remember feeling confetti fall around me as he sprinted to me before wrapping me around his arms and twirling me around.
With the confetti falling around us, I couldn't help but feel incredibly proud of him and also feeling redemption after months of pain and healing. His eyes shined down on me, his face illuminating under the stadium lights.
Which left me writing up case notes on a late Friday afternoon, battling a round of my stomach rebelling. During March, stomach bug season was rampant and even high schoolers were not immune.
With a heaving sigh, I closed my computer before retreating to my car. Edward would likely be home late tonight as he refused staying in a hotel room when the complex was only an hour away. Once I arrived at our house, I threw my bag down on the ground before locating plain pasta and shredded chicken.
I figured I could stomach plain pasta and chicken as I assorted my plain dinner. Even though I went with simple, I knew Edward would come home hungry after the game. I assembled a chicken dish to bake before hopping on the couch to switch on the television to his game.
I chewed my dinner nervously as I watched him come up to the plate. He made the whole ordeal look effortless and easy and I was sure I was more nervous than he was. He shrugged his shoulders before he took the plate.
I grinned as I saw his pine stripped back side on my screen as I took a picture before sending him a text. He would get a kick out of my text later when he mad more time to look at it.
Cheekily, I pressed send as I turned my attention back to the screen. The first pitch was a ball, which Edward adeptly did not swing at. The second pitch made my eyes widen a the umpire called it a low strike. I could see Edward's eyebrows raise at the call before he turned his attention back to the next pitch. He swung at the next as the ball shot to left field in foul territory.
My stomach was doing flip flops as I held my hands together on top of my head as I watched. He swung and the ball went flying safely to right field for a ground rule double, which made me relax.
I drifted off on the couch sometime later after I left the casserole out for him after cleaning my plate. Sometime later, I heard the front door swing open as a bat bag fell to the ground of the entry way.
Edward's smell enveloped me as he pressed me gently into his arms. I murmured a non-commital grunt as I snuggled closer.
"You'll get a hell of a back ache, B," he reminded me as he guided us up the stairs before laying me down on the bed. He wrapped the comforter around me before turning off the light.
I heard the clatter of dishes below me as he ate his dinner downstairs. A sleepy smile spread on my lips as I let my eyes drift close again. The next morning, sun streamed through the windows as I hurled myself into the bathroom to expel the contents of my stomach.
The bathroom door swung open as he sprinted behind me to hold my hair while rubbing my back. Once the wave subsided, I clutched my stomach. Before I had time to catch my breath, I was over the toilet again.
"This sucks," I muttered as I managed to get vertical to brush my teeth.
"I'm so sorry," he murmured as he stood behind me. His eyes scanned me for visible injuries. Turning around to face him made me feel dizzy as his concerned emerald eyes met mine.
"Stomach bug?" He guessed, he'd been around me long enough to know it was the season for it. I smiled half-way as I shrugged. I didn't want to get my hopes up or his for another disappointment.
"Maybe. Sorry you had to see that," I said, a frown on my lips. His hands framed my face as he shook his head.
"I'm not. Sickness and health, remember?" He chided as he pressed a lingering kiss against my forehead. I popped back into bed as Edward played with the edges of my hair for a moment.
"I was going to go on a breakfast and coffee run. Maybe I can get you some tea?" He suggested, a hopeful smile on his face. I widened my smile as I bobbed my head. He pressed a quick kiss to my lips before changing into jeans and a tee shirt.
"Be back soon, B. Text me if you want anything else," he reminded me. Suddenly, a wave of hope surged me through me. I looked down at the calendar on my phone before realizing I was late.
After our miscarriage, my periods were all over the place. However, three weeks late was weird, even for me. I knit my eyebrows together as I went over my symptoms. The most egregious was my stomach on edge the past few days.
I stalked into the hallway to find the box of pregnancy tests I kept just in case. My fingers fiddled with a few, selecting three different brands before shakily walking into the bathroom. My heart thundered in my chest while I waited on the tests.
I covered my eyes with my hands as the timer on my phone went off. I held my breath as I looked down at the three tests strewn on the tile floor. With fresh tears in my eyes I saw two positive lines on each.
I let out a strangled sob as I clutched them close to my chest, tears freely falling at this point. Joy pumped through me as I nearly dropped the tests on the ground with how my body was vibrating.
Then and there I decided I couldn't keep this from Edward. I located the rainbow balloons I purchased with the hope in my heart we would use them. Somehow, I managed to blow the balloons before laying the tests on the freshly made bed before reaching for the letter board.
I wrote out the phrase: "our rainbow after the storm." My heart thundered in my chest as I waited on the bed for his return. I heard the door open below us as Edward called out for me.
"Up here, babe!" I called back. He walked up the steps before opening our bedroom. With tears in my eyes, I faced him as his eyes studied me before looking at the scene behind me.
Shock colored his features as he saw the tests in front of me before he defied speed to get to me. He encircled me in his arms as he lifted me up off the bed as he swung us around three times before putting me on my feet.
"Are you serious?" He asked, tears filling his eyes as he wiped away mine.
"Yes," I replied. He let out a laugh before he swung me around again before tackling me to the bed. His hands were all over every available piece of skin he could reach as his lips peppered kisses.
"Thank you, thank you," he murmured between kisses before his lips met mine and one hand trailed to my still flat stomach.
As much as I feared every waking second of the first trimester, the time passed by uneventfully. Once I reached twelve weeks, I breathed a sigh of relief. Compared to my last pregnancy, I was showing at nine weeks. I had to shimmy to get on my jeans before finally throwing in the towel to wear maternity jeans.
I ate well and did exercise because I was pregnant in the middle of our season. Our families were ecstatic for both of us, although we were cautiously optimistic. Edward flew back on red eyes often to come home to me.
We were in for the surprise of our lives when at nineteen weeks we found out we were pregnant with twins. Poor Edward was drinking water and when the ultrasound tech uttered the words twins, he spewed the water all over the room. When the initial shock wore off, he was thrilled to have two kids.
When Edward was away for games, I worked on the nursery even though he insisted on doing the heavy lifting. If I thought he was overprotective before, he dialed it up many notches once he learned we were having twins.
I nearly cried with relief when the all day sickness I grew used to slowly dissipated after my second trimester. However, swollen feet were my next conundrum as I had to wear tennis shoes to conceal my swollen feet.
When I reached thirty four weeks, my doctor cautioned me they could come at any time. Twins often came early, which meant we were on twin watch. At each appointment, I waited for my baby boy to flip.
Finally, at thirty six weeks, he flipped over which made me sigh in relief. My doctor urged us to induce earlier, but I didn't mind being pregnant for longer. Which left me due the first week of December.
Instead of flying to see Esme and Carlisle, they came to us for Thanksgiving since I was not allowed to travel. The day after Thanksgiving, I woke up with back cramps which didn't initially alarm me.
"I hate being pregnant," I moaned as I shimmied on a pair of leggings along with a tunic. Edward chuckled as he came over to help me put my shoes on. Now that I couldn't see my feet, shoes were my new enemy.
"You're beautiful," he murmured against my cheek.
"I look like a whale," I lamented. Esme commented that I didn't gain weight outside of my stomach. Thankfully, somehow I didn't get stretch marks except for my thighs which were already there before.
By some grace, my boobs had gone up two cup sizes which Edward appreciated. His arms wound around me as his chin rested against my head.
"You're gorgeous, B, you literally..." he started and I knew where this was going.
"If you say glow I will throw this shoe at you," I muttered as I clutched my lower back. He shook his head as he kissed my forehead.
"Usually, I have a healthy dose of fear for you, but right now that eases considering you can't touch your feet," he reminded me, amusement coloring his tone. I garbled a groan as I stalked to the nursery to fold the last of the clothes.
Alice and Esme both purchased an obscene amount of clothes for our baby girl and boy, despite my urging we really just needed white onesies since I didn't think I was going to have the energy to put them in cute outfits every day.
My fingers traced along the cribs, which Edward spewed a colorful amount of cuss words while assembling. The nursery was rainbow themed, which I thought was very fitting. My hospital bag laid on the rocking chair.
I spent most of the day working on the nursery. Around mid-day, Edward came in after finishing the last of his interviews. His arms were around me again as he peered in wonder at the empty cribs.
I winced as I felt another wave of back cramps greet me, which made Edward tense up behind me.
"Hey, B, you okay?" He questioned, and I mustered a half smile.
"Back cramps are not fun right now. Your kids are giving me a run for my money," I said with a chuckle. His eyes didn't look amused as he studied me further. If I was in early labor, which I doubted because I had the privilege of having Braxton Hicks the entire week, we couldn't go anywhere yet.
"I'll call your the doctor, B, maybe we should..." he started, his words coming out rushed. The last thing I wanted was for Edward to go into full on panic mode. I grasped his forearms as I looked at him.
"They are very far apart right now and they've been here since the morning," I assured him. Clearly, my assurances were not helping as his eyes only widened at my words.
"You've felt this way since the morning and you're telling me now..." He trailed off in disbelief.
"I didn't want to worry you for this exact reason," I replied with a tight smile. He pulled at his hair for a minute before his wild eyes met mine.
"I'll call the doctor. How far apart are they?" He questioned. I did the math in my head, realizing I wasn't going to win this one.
"Thirty minutes," I said, and he grabbed his phone before dialing the number. He paced on the wooden floor beneath us, racing his hands through his hair nervously. He nodded as he listened to the doctor.
"I guess we have to wait this one out, B. She said warm baths may help and once they get to ten minutes we should go," he said with a sad smile. I elected on taking a bath as Edward got me a glass of water from the downstairs.
"I wish I could take your place," he murmured sadly as he saw my face contort with a contraction. They seemed to dial up intensity as time wore on. I ate a small dinner because food was hardly attractive to me.
"It's worth it. I am sorry for whatever I say to you when it gets intense," I said, squeezing his hand. I finished up my bath before attempting to go to bed. Edward rubbed my back as I attempted to get rest.
Somehow, I managed to sleep for about two hours before more intense contractions woke me up. These took my breath away as I shook Edward awake. He knew from the look in my eye it was go time as he hauled the hospital bag over his shoulder with me in his arms.
He defied every law of traffic to get me to the hospital, whose labor and delivery unit took me in immediately. After being hooked up to an IV line, I decided to walk around the hospital to keep myself moving.
"B, shouldn't you be lying down?" Edward asked he walked alongside me. The poor man looked wired and anxious as his eyes studied me. If I didn't feel another contraction ripple through me, I would've shut him right then and there.
His eyes, riddled with pain met mine as the pain took my breath away. Once the pain lessened, I gave him a look. He looked like he needed the epidural more than I did at this point.
"Edward, I hate feeling like a sitting duck in that hospital bed," I replied, with an eye roll.
"Can I get you ice chips?" He asked, nearly begging me at that point. His concern and love for me was practically radiating off of him as I mustered a close lipped smile at him.
"Just talk to me, that's all I need," I assured him as we walked down the hallway, and he sighed.
EPOV
The past twelve hours had felt both absolutely incredible to watch Bella's strength take a whole different form and terrifying. Every gasp of pain, although she tried her best to hide it felt like a sucker punch to the gut.
She insisted on walking around the hallways. I talked to her about our honeymoon and how incredible it felt to have her watch us win the world series. Having her run into my arms after the game felt better than the damn trophy or the confetti falling around us.
As the night wore on, she wasn't able to fall asleep as her contractions grew closer and closer together. At one point, she requested to go lie down which how I knew she was in an insurmountable amount of pain.
I laid a towel on her forehead for relief and held her hand through every contraction. I felt useless as I watched her eyes contort in pain. Despite how exhausted she was, she'd wink at me. I fell in love with her all over again as I watched her battle.
When the nurse called the doctor in that she was ready to push I nearly screamed a hallelujah. I sat next to her, holding her tiny hand in mine while my other arm was around her back. Her determined eyes met mine as she pushed for over an hour before she made any headway.
"You're absolutely incredible, B," I praised her, kissing her hand in mine as she smiled at me before she tensed up again, ready to push once more. With a moan, her whole body contorted before the doctor praised her.
"One more push and you should have them here," the doctor suggested. Bella paled, her flushing face growing nearly white. I met her wild gaze as I leaned my head against her forehead as she moaned again.
"You can do this, B," I whispered to her before a strangling cry broke the air. Even though I told Emmett I wouldn't cry, hearing our baby's cry for the first time had me losing it. Her eyes were also filled with tears as she nodded at me.
"It's a boy," the doctor called, holding a chunky slimy mess to us. Bella stifled a sob as she watched the nurses clean him up before handing her to Bella. For the moment her contractions had stopped, although the nurse told us she would deliver our second within minutes.
One of the nurses called his weight as eight pounds which made me clench my fist in pride. I met Bella's eyes as she held our son in her arms for the first time. I wrapped my arm firmly around her back as I leaned in close to her.
His squawked although he didn't open his eyes. One of his chubby fingers wrapped around my finger and I lost it. If Bella couldn't already have anything she wanted from me, she really had it now.
She endured an incredible amount of pain to make me a father, to give me our children. I would forever be in her debt because of it. I whispered I loved her against her forehead, and those words felt tiny to what I felt when I looked at her.
Our moment was broken as she gasped before the nurse carefully took our son as another contraction rippled through her.
"I don't know if I can do it again," she muttered, shaking her head as she leaned back against the pillows.
"Yes, you can, sweetheart. You are a bad ass," I reminded her, as I prepared myself to watch her again.
"Your little girl is eager, mom and dad," the nurse chuckled as she peered down. The doctor told Bella to push, which she did before collapsing against the pillows. I could see how exhausted she was as she struggled to catch her breath.
A nurse came around with an oxygen mask to help her as I helplessly held onto her. Her whole body shook with the next push before her terrified eyes met mine.
"Something is wrong," she muttered, lowly.
"Bella, you can do this. You are so close, baby girl," I murmured against her sweaty forehead. With determination she squeezed my hand before pushing once more. Another cry broke through the air as she collapsed against the mattress.
She struggled to catch her breath even with the help of the oxygen mask. Her breaths came out uneasy as she mustered a smile at me. The nurse held up our daughter as my tear filled eyes met hers.
What happened next made my whole body shake with fear. Her face grew pale before her eyes drifted close. I screamed at her before touching her face gently, begging for her to come back to me before I was ushered out by the nurses.
My whole world fell apart as I walked like a zombie into the waiting room. Emmett and Rose sprinted to me, bright smiles on their faces. It took every atom in me to meet their eyes as I felt empty.
Yes, the babies were fine, but my Bella wasn't. Hearing her heart stutter on the monitor felt like my own heart was being cut up.
"Edward," Rose called after she enveloped me into a hug. I wasn't sure if I returned the hug.
"What's wrong?" Emmett asked, the smile wearing off his face.
"Babies are fine. It's Bella..." I whispered before my voice broke. Emmett and Rose's shocked eyes met mine before they wrapped their arms around me. They led me over to one of the waiting room chairs. I let out a shaky breath, in attempt to ground myself when I knew full well Bella was my grounding force.
I put my head in my hands as I ran a hand through my hair. Rose grasped my hand in hers as Emmett sat on the other chair beside me. Tears pooled in my eyes before Emmett pulled me into a bear hug.
I could separate my life in two segments:my life with Bella and my life without her. She was in my life beginning on the fateful day in sixth grade science class. By some miracle, she was with me now. I couldn't fathom raising our babies, who were unbelievable products of the love we shared together by myself.
"She just closed her eyes, Em. The monitors went crazy before they were pushing me out of the room when she's in there...bleeding..." I muttered, my voice scratchy as I let the dam loose.
"Oh, Edward," Rose said, her eyes softening before she squeezed my hands in hers.
"She's a fighter, Edward. She'll be fine," Emmett assured her, his own eyes growing misty. However, I was cautiously optimistic. When I saw her in that hospital bed years ago, bruised and bandaged the image nearly took me to my knees.
I wasn't sure how much time passed, if it was hours or seconds. Time seemed insignificant when your whole world is laying in some hospital bed with her life in the balance. Thankfully the doctor came out moments later before calling my name.
I could hear my heart through my ears as I could have thrown the chair behind me to get to them.
"Bella," I started, my breaths coming out in pants. I ran sprints for a living and was a professional athlete, but I was out of breath from walking a few short steps to the doctor. He gave me a cautious smile, which made the vice on my heart loosen slightly.
"She's in recovery. We were able to stop the bleeding. We brought the babies to her room," he said, his voice soothing. I let go of the breath I didn't even know I was holding before fighting the urge to hug the man. Instead, I said a simple thank you which felt like too little compared to the gift he just gave me.
Rose enveloped me in a hug before Emmett bear hugged me.
"Go see her and let us know when you want visitors," Rose said with a wide grin before she turned to Emmett.
"I told you Bells is a fighter. Now go see your kids, old man," Emmett boomed as I rolled my eyes. At the word kids my heart bounded in my chest before I sprinted down the hallway.
The color came back in Bella's cheeks as she laid comfortably, her beautiful brown eyes still shut. I kissed her forehead, murmuring that I loved her before looking beside her at the babies.
They were asleep as with teary eyes I held our girl in one arm as her eyes opened slightly. My eyes filled with tears as I held her close to me. She already had me wrapped around her tiny finger as her pink finger wrapped around my pinkie.
"Hi, Malia Elizabeth," I whispered as she cooed at me. Her skin was a few shades lighter than her mother as dark brown hair peeked from underneath her pink cap. Bella and I brainstormed on names before finally agreeing on baby names. She insisted both of them have Navajo names, as she discussed with her grandmother. I was more than happy to oblige her request because I couldn't begin to understand all she went through to get our babies here.
She handled pregnancy, even the nausea and swelling with unbelievable grace. Although she fussed she grew bigger and bigger, I just fell more and more in love with her. She was stunning always and pregnancy enhanced it.
My mind flickered to our wedding day briefly as we vowed to love each other forever. I thought I couldn't love her more in that moment with her hair whispering in the wind. Her light brown eyes shined with intensity as they filled up with tears.
I loved her more. I loved her when I got the call that ripped my heart out that we lost our baby. She pursued hours of therapy and groups to help her heal, and I was so proud of who she became. My love for her felt only intensified as I watched her bring our babies into the world.
I loved her more as I held our daughter in my arms, which were shaking.
"I'll tell you all about your mom, okay? I hope you look just like your mama. I hope you love like she does. She has the biggest heart ever, and she's so patient. She has the best advice, and literally has magical healing powers. She has a bandaid for everything," I muttered, my voice shaky as she squirmed slightly in my arms. I could already tell I was in for it if she was half as stubborn as Bella is.
I kissed Malia's cheek before laying her gingerly back into her box before fixing my eyes to our son, Adriel Masen, who slept peacefully. Although he was lighter than his sister, his facial features mirrored Bella's. Copper brown hair peeped out from his blue cap. He was bigger than his sister and his hands were already big.
"Adriel, you planning on being a catcher? Or maybe a fielder like your mom?" I asked him with a chuckle as I blinked back tears. He would have Bella wrapped around his tiny finger in moments. Adriel squirmed slightly in my arms before he pressed his tiny lips together.
Bella stifled a moan as her eyebrows crinkled together. My heart raced in my chest as I looked at my wife, who easily took my breath away.
"That's your mommy. She's the best-I hope you love her almost as much as I do," I said to him before gently laying him down in his box before speeding over to Bella as she flickered her gaze to me.
"Edward?" She called, her whisper nearly floored me as I held her hands in mine. Her bleary brown eyes met mine before a smile spread across her lips. I felt my heart expand in my chest as I pressed her close to me.
Suddenly the gravity of the past hour felt silly in comparison to having her safe in my arms again.
"Hi, sweetheart. You were bleeding a lot and scared the hell out of me," I explained to her. Pain crossed her features as she attempted to situate herself against the pillows behind her. She wasn't quite ready to move on her own yet, so I helped her before pressing kisses to every piece of skin I could reach.
"How do you feel?" I asked her, scanning her face for signs of pain.
"Like a sprinted around the bases a few times. You sir, look majorly sleep deprived and exhausted. You're not supposed to be yet," she reminded me, her lips turning upwards. I rolled my eyes, the woman just went through childbirth and blood loss and was worried about my sorry ass.
"You scared the shit out of me, B," I muttered before crashing my lips down on her. I knew our kids were in the same room, but I doubted they cared. They were in for a show when they got older-one of my favorite past times was kissing their mother. She returned my kiss before an adorable giggle separated us.
"Our babies?" She asked, and I grinned at her before gesturing to the boxes behind her.
"They're perfect, baby girl. You were incredible," I assured her, pressing a few errant hairs behind her ear before turning our babies behind us. Bella's eyes welled up with tears as I handed her our two babies who looked stunning in her arms. Without missing a beat, I grabbed my phone to catch a shot as I watched her gaze down on them. She saw the flash go off before turning to me in dismay.
"I look like hell," she muttered, straightening her fly away hairs. She was absolutely gorgeous, always. Now, she looked almost angelic as her cheeks glowed again with color.
"You're beautiful. Absolutely beautiful," I said with a toothy grin before walking over to her bedside as I held my world in my arms. She pressed kisses to their foreheads with utmost care as I wound my arms around her before turning the camera around for a selfie.
This woman gave her body for our children. She was already an amazing mother to our baby on the other side, but to our rainbow babies as she called them she was incredible already. She made me a father, and for that I was eternally grateful. Her bright eyes met mine as I felt a grin spread across my lips as I took picture after picture. One of my favorites was of me kissing her forehead with my arms around her as she held our babies.
Without thinking, I uttered the words that never wore out no matter how many times I said them. They were simultaneously the most under-said words and the words I never said enough. Somehow, they paled in comparison to what I felt for her in this moment and every moment going forward.
"I love you, Bella Cullen," I murmured against her temple. Her body vibrated as her brown eyes flickered to mine.
"I love you, too." She said with a wide smile before turning her attention back to our twins. I helped her unfasten the top of her gown as she nursed our babies. My eyes welled with tears as I supported behind her, grateful my world expanded because of her.
Well, one more outtake coming out. It will be about Edward's win at the world series. This outtake was hard to read as I struggle with infertility and miscarriages. But giving Edward and Bella their rainbow babies was wonderful to me.
I hope you enjoyed this brief moment in the future and be on the lookout for the last outtake coming in a few weeks!