Nothing Left to Lose: Chapter 5 – Deep Down
!caution is advised going into this chapter, as there is mention of self-harm and a breakdown, although nothing of its kind occurs. If this will be triggering to you, please take care of yourself and do not read this story further, as these themes will be frequent. I'm currently working on another story which I will get out in the next few weeks that will hopefully be less triggering, for those that would still like to read a story of mine. All that being said, on with the story!
I'm weak. I couldn't deal with Lila before this, and I can't deal with what I've become because of her. Do I ever get to win? Will any of this be worth it? It has to be. By now it's too late, and all I can do is desperately hope that things work out. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do if it doesn't.
Chat has his arms wrapped around me, and I know I'm getting his suit sticky with my blood and tears, but he just doesn't seem to care; all he seems to care about is me. It's nice to have someone care.
My chest still throbs, but slowly the hole that ripped it open is healing and closing, more so in his arms than when I was making horrible gashes on my arm. There's 5, maybe 6, I don't know. And I can't tell, because my whole arm stings and throbs in time with my heartbeat, and the pain is well welcomed. I even invite the pain to stay forever, inside my head.
Chat pulls away and takes my arm to inspect the damage. Well, that's what I was thinking, as instead of simply inspecting my arm, he raises it to his lips and kisses my arm just below the cuts. The gesture is sweet, and a sad smile comes to my lips, as tears still flow freely, only slower, down my face. A broken chuckle escapes my lips as he starts to lick away the blood, mindful of staying away from the cuts so he doesn't hurt me more, and it is so utterly cat-like that another small laugh bubbles it's way up.
He smiles at me when he's done, and my arm has been mostly cleaned of the blood, with the bleeding slowed right down, only small trickles of it leaving the cuts, which he licks away. His lips are coated in blood, and small droplets of it drip from his chin.
He looks at me with sad eyes, and it hurts me to see him in this way, so different to his usually happy self. What's worse, is that I know it's because of me. The look in his eyes…almost reminds me of how Adrien looked today.
Why do I always have to hurt the people I love? Maybe Lila's right. Maybe I am a horrible person, deep down. Maybe Alya was right, and now my true colours are shining through, from the deep, dark, and decrepit parts of my heart. With that thought, I can't meet his eyes, and I lower my head in shame.
Cold leather grips my chin, and I'm forced to look up at him, so I just avert my eyes, and find my chaise lounge very interesting.
"Marinette…Look at me, please?" Chat murmurs, his voice soft and calming. Slowly, I draw my eyes back to him, and see the tears that glisten in his eyes, tears I know he's refusing to let fall.
"How can you stand to look at a person like me?" I ask, my voice cracking and broken.
"A person like you? What kind of a person is that Marinette?"
"A disgusting human being, someone who hurts others."
"Marinette, you are not a disgusting human being! And even when you do hurt people, you don't mean it!"
"But I did, Chat! Today I meant to hurt them all, and I did. I'm a bad person."
"You are many things, but a bad person is not one of them."
I stop looking at him then and instead focus on studying every feature of my chaise.
"Marinette…" he sighs, and moves into my field of vision, never letting my chin go. "Fine, ok. Just tell me…what happened before?"
Fuck. So, he's bringing it up. I'd been hoping he wouldn't. "I just…" I search for a way to deflect and know that there's no way I'd be able to, and instead search for a way to explain the ways I was feeling. "It…it felt like there as a massive hole in my chest, and my chest was throbbing, and the hole just kept growing and growing, and I was terrified it would tear me in two, and I needed a way to stop the hurt and to close the hole. I…I'm not really sure what happened, or how to explain it." Despite my really bad explanation, he seems to get it, and looks at me with a deep sadness, before pulling me into a tight hug.
"I'm so, so sorry for all of this, Marinette."
"You don't have to be, Chat. You had nothing to do with any of this, besides, you don't even know what's been going on."
"Well…whatever's been going on, you're not a bad person. You're one of the best, most kindest people I've ever known."
I doubt that's true, but in his arms, for now I'm willing to believe it. As much of a bad person I may be deep down, I'm going to hold onto his words and hope for dear life that they're true.