Mistress

Chapter 15: If You Could See Into My Soul [Silverstein]

I hear you choking on your words again,
the secrets in your throat.
And I really wish you'd say
what you're thinking.
We've been down this road
so many times before,
my stomach cannot take it.
I've been killing time,
You've been crossing lines.

Nova did her best not to flinch as each new finger on her prosthesis was tested for sensitivity. The electric sparks sent pain lancing all the way up her arm.

The Rhinnalian doctors had done an expert job at matching the prosthesis to her right hand. The only thing that gave away that it was not her original hand was the way her faded scars suddenly ended at her wrist. Clenching and unclenching her new fist, Nova glanced towards the corner of the room where Vader sat wrapped in a dark cloak and wondered why he'd never sought out humanlike prosthetics for his own severed limbs.

With the destruction of his normal bodysuit in his crash, Vader had been wearing a casual cloak and tunic the past few weeks they'd been on Rhinnal—exposing his metallic limbs. Though Nova had seen Vader without a lifesuit before, she'd never spent this much time around him looking the way he did. Not only that, but the healing she'd performed with the Ankarres Saphire had brought a life and vitality back into the man who'd once looked like nothing more than a walking corpse. Noticing her attention, Vader's eyes flickered to hers and she quickly looked away. It was still strange to have piercing blue eyes meet her own. For her, Vader had almost become the mask. It was jarring now to see a new face whenever she looked at him.

By the time the examination was completed, Nova's arm was throbbing and a tension headache had begun between her temples. She was grateful when the doctor finally dismissed her with instructions to not put strain on the new hand for the next few months while her wrist fully healed. Moving into the hallway, she was vaguely aware of Vader's presence beside her, but she tried not to focus on him too much.

Touching her fingertips to her thumb one by one, Nova frowned.

"What," Vader asked, instantly aware of her discomfort.

"It's just strange," she answered thoughtfully. "I can feel the pressure but not…"

Reaching out, she ran her fingers lightly over a fold in his cloak, unable to discern the texture of the fine weaving. Feeling his eyes now fixed attentively to her face, Nova glanced up to meet his gaze before quickly dropping her hand and looking away. Dark hair had begun to fill in across his healed scalp, the bags beneath his eyes reducing to dark circles. Burn scars that had once deformed his face, though still present, were muted in their intensity. Vader had always seemed more machine than human to her. But despite the temporary respirator they'd fitted him with, these past weeks had left her with an uncomfortable awareness that he was in fact a man—one much younger than she'd first thought. She wondered how young he'd been when Order 66 had been initiated.

"You get used to it," Vader said unsympathetically as they continued their walk towards the front entrance.

Nova wrapped her arms around herself when they stepped out into the cold air of the icy planet. The streets were mostly empty in the early hours of the morning and a light flurry of snow drifted down from the gray sky. She could feel her own exhaustion sinking into her body—the surgery had taken all night, and Vader hadn't been lying about the reconnecting of nerves being a painful process.

She shivered at the memory.

His sudden movement made Nova jump, but her exhaustion had dulled her reactions so that by the time she'd processed Vader's unexpected actions, his dark cloak was already draped over her shoulders. His metal fingers deftly clasped it around her neck and pulled the hood up over her short snowy hair, his eyes fixed firmly on what he was doing rather than on her face. Nova stared in shock after the man who had already turned his back to her and continued walking down the street. Had he really just given her his cloak because he thought she was cold?

After several steps, Vader stopped and sighed audibly. Glancing back at her, he gave Nova an irritable raise of his eyebrows.

"If you're going to keep standing out here freezing to death, I'll take it back," he said scathingly. Snapping out of her stunned stupor, Nova quickly fell back into step with him, pulling the cloak tightly around her body and tucking her chin into its warmth. She couldn't help the small smile that crossed her face—grateful that it was well hidden in the soft fabric.

The two walked silently together towards the temporary lodgings they'd been provided. It was, ironically enough, what had once been a Jedi Chapter House used to train Jedi healers. The fame of Rhinnalian medicine had left the house mostly intact after the purging of the Jedi and it was now used to house important visitors to the planet. The homey residence overlooked the banks of the icy Frieste river that swirled darkly around the outskirts of the capital city.

Vader held the door open as they stepped inside, and Nova felt the uncomfortable tightening in her stomach that had been happening more and more often around him these past weeks. The destruction of the Death Star and his brush with death seemed to have shaken him. He was quieter than usual—not that Vader had ever been one for conversation—but his normal aura of menace had been replaced by one of brooding introspection. She knew that something was on his mind, and she had suspicions about what it was, but she hadn't pressed him.

She knew he was deciding what to do, and she imagined he'd resolve upon a decision soon. The two of them had already risked much in staying on Rhinnal so long. Nova could feel a cold wrathful pull in the back of her mind—a command to return to Coruscant. The Emperor was not pleased at the sudden lack of information from his two servants following the destruction of the Death Star.

I'm leaving you out in the cold again,
I'll let you freeze to death.
I won't let you see the flames
just the chimney.
Where there's smoke, there's fire
but I'm such a good liar
you can't read the signals.
And my lips are sealed
from saying words that deal
your shame.

"I'm going to make tea, do you want anything," she asked, pulling off his cloak and hanging it beside the door—her fingers sliding slowly away from the fabric. He gave a noncommittal grunt that Nova took for a yes as he made his way into the living area.

Bringing two steaming mugs with her a short while later, Nova sat across from him beside the window that overlooked the river and set their cups down on the table between them. Removing his respirator—something he could only do for a few minutes at a time before needing to replace it—Vader picked up his mug and lifted it to his lips to sip the hot tea.

The soft chuckle that escaped Nova's lips caused both of them to freeze. His eyes found hers, and Nova's own face was as surprised as his own. Touching her fingers to her lips, Nova could feel her cheeks flushing with embarrassment at the sound she'd just made.

"It's just, it's funny…" she quickly scrambled for words to explain the sudden outburst. "Two of the galaxy's most feared warriors sitting here, looking so… domestic…."

If Nova's laughter had been shocking, it was nothing compared to the jolt she received when the barest of smiles tugged at the corner of Vader's lips. The expression was quickly hidden when he took another sip of tea. She'd never once seen him smile before.

"The only funny thing is that you count yourself amongst the most feared warriors in the galaxy," he quipped, and Nova scoffed good naturedly, a smile returning to her face before she could think twice. Was he… bantering?

Vader's eyes lingered on her, and she shifted in discomfort, brushing her now shaggy white hair out of her eyes. It had grown out in awkward layers from her pixie cut.

"What?" She asked defensively.

"Nothing," he replied instantly, his voice returning to its normal menacing tone. Nova barely restrained an eye roll. Leaning forward, she propped her chin in her hands, tilting her head at him in resolute curiosity.

"Tell me," she repeated with a soft insistence.

"When did you learn to do that?" He asked at length.

"Learn what," she asked in confusion.

"To smile and... laugh?"

Nova stared at him, taken aback by the question. Setting her cup down, she stared out at the frozen landscape in thoughtful consideration.

"I think… over the past few months of being out from under his thumb I've just been... remembering how," she replied. Her eyes finally returned to his own and though he didn't say anything, there was a strange sort of empathy there—one so unexpected that it caused warmth to pool in her stomach. The sensation was so unexpected, that Nova immediately felt the impulse to flee. Draining the rest of her cup, she quickly returned it to its saucer and stood up.

"I'm going to go lie down," she said lamely, hurrying from the room.

Vader took another sip of his tea and returned the respirator to his mouth, forbidding himself from watching her go. He'd never once heard Nova laugh in genuine amusement. In dark humor and sarcastic irritation, of course. But never in sincerity. It had left him feeling oddly light in return. If he'd had the time to focus on it, the feelings he'd been experiencing over the past weeks with Nova would have filled him with panic.

Fortunately, he had enough on his mind to quickly distract him from thoughts of the young woman. Over the past several weeks, he'd been dwelling on thoughts of the pilot who had destroyed the Death Star. The connection to the force he'd sensed from the person was one stronger than even Nova had displayed. One unrivaled by any other than himself…. It had stirred dark suspicions in his own mind and heart. Once his apprentice was recovered enough for travel, he'd need to put all his resources into discovering the pilot's identity.

Stick to your guns!
You've been betting it all on a long shot
since day one.
You gotta call a spade a spade.
There is no ace up your sleeve,
how can you believe you will win?

Vader woke before dawn after a fitful night. He didn't think he'd had a good night sleep in almost twenty years. The feeling and fear of suffocation was too present. The nightmares too close. Certainly the decades had not served to drive them away. Sleeping in the respirator rather than in an oxygenated room certainly hadn't been helping.

It was strange to be on Rhinnal—an interruption of sorts from his day-to-day routine. On this planet, though feared and known, he was on no mission from the Emperor. There was no one to intimidate, no one to kill… just one girl—one young woman to look after.

Moving into the living room, he paused—momentarily frozen by the sight that awaited him.

Nova stood in front of the window, overlooking the river. The Ankarres Sapphire was held loosely in her left hand, a soft glow emitting from its fractured depths. A long nightshirt brushed the backs of her bare thighs, and Vader quickly averted his eyes. In the past he had flinched away from looking at her because of the scars that littered her body—the familiar excuse served him well in this moment. Looking away from her was second nature and allowed him not to second-guess his reasons for looking away.

"You're up early," he said, settling down into one of the chairs.

"Couldn't sleep," she said, rolling her left wrist by way of explanation.

"It will get better," he said simply.

She snorted derisively at his response, turning from the window and sitting down across from him. The nightdress pulling higher up her thighs as she leaned back against the chair and rolled the Sapphire between her fingers. Over the weeks, Nova seemed to have plucked up the courage to interact with the now cracked stone but hadn't yet tried to use it.

"What are you hoping to gain from that Jedi relic? If you try to use it, you'll only be maimed further," he said.

"Mmm," she let out a hum of agreement, though she was still clearly lost in thought. Finally setting the stone down on the coffee table, she yawned and stretched, the nightdress now pulling dangerously high up her legs.

"When you decide to get dressed, we can begin your training," he said before he could stop himself. Nova paused mid-stretch, looking at him from beneath white eyelashes and quirking a brow. Glancing down at herself, she seemed to notice how she was dressed for the first time. Rather than looking embarrassed she seemed amused at his reaction.

"I didn't mean to unsettle you, Lord Vader," Nova replied with unexpected smugness before standing and sweeping from the room.

Vader could feel a headache beginning to form at his right temple. He'd forgotten how much she could irritate him.

Get ready, get ready, get ready for this!
I'm taking out my dagger.
Just say it, just say it, just say it for me!
I'm holding it up to your throat.
Are you ready, are you ready, are you ready for this?
You don't wanna hear it.
Just say it, just say it, just say it again!
It will tear your soul apart again.
Tear your soul apart again.

Nova stood a mere foot from Vader's firm chest, their hands held a hairsbreadth apart. But in that distance, an intense battle was raging. It was a simple exercise. To concentrate a force shove in the palms of their hands and maintain it for as long as possible. Nova knew he was going easy on her. Though she was adept at projecting the force from her own body, the act of concentrating it in her mechanical hand was surprisingly challenging. She was impressed at Vader's own control through his metallic limbs.

She could feel a bead of sweat trickle down cheek as she strained against him. In some ways, it was more satisfying to face him like this, without the mask. She could see the look of concentration in his own face to show that he at least wasn't bored by the experience. There was a certain tension in his jaw and firmness to his blue eyes that showed that he was having to put up some effort against her. At this thought, Nova's eyes flickered up to his and a sudden jolt went through her body when she gazed into his face. And because they were so tuned into one another in the training exercise, Nova knew that he'd sensed it too.

Nova suddenly found herself stumbling forward—the resistance of Vader's own force presence no longer supporting her. Her hands automatically reached out, steadying herself against the thin fabric of Vader's dark robe. She felt the pressure of his hands on her hips, having reached out to automatically catch her. Nova felt her cheeks heating up, and her heart was hammering rapidly inside her ribcage. She allowed herself a single moment to enjoy the feel of him pressed against her before pushing herself away.

"I didn't expect you to stop," Nova cleared her throat, turning away to hide her reddening face, letting her hair fall into her eyes.

"You will need to continue practicing when you return to Coruscant," his said, his voice unexpectedly irritated.

"When I—" Nova looked back at him sharply, a look of betrayal flickering across her face "You're sending me back?"

"Where else did you think you'd be going," he snapped, and he could see her own temper flaring in her dark blue eyes.

"With you," she snarled. "To find the identity of the pilot—to figure out what you've been stewing over for weeks."

Vader opened and closed his mouth, taken aback by her statement. He hadn't told her anything about his plans or what was bothering him. Could she really read him so easily?

"Surely you have felt his command to return," he changed tactics. The flash of fear in her eyes confirmed his suspicions. They'd been ignoring the call together over the past few weeks, but it was there. Like a burning ember in the back of their minds—insistent and angry at their continuing disobedience.

"Now that your hand is better, we cannot afford to delay any further," Vader said coldly.

"But you're not coming," Nova said more than asked, the frustration evident in her voice.

"No," he said simply, steeling himself against the hurt in her eyes.

"You're sending me to face his anger alone," she pressed.

Vader's lips pressed together into a stoic line, but his refusal to respond was answer enough.

Nova stood up quickly, turning away from him. Vader found himself following before he could command himself to remain. His cold metallic hand clamped onto her shoulder, turning her towards him.

"I need you to do this Nova," he said. She met his gaze with an impassive one of her own.

"I will do whatever my master commands," she replied in a caustic monotone.

Vader released her arm and swept from the room, frustration roiling in his own stomach.

Yes, it was time for them to part ways. He couldn't continue to stay here with her. Couldn't afford to spend more time looking at her, learning more about her and the woman she'd become. Couldn't continue doing things like giving her his cloak or sharing tea with her. Couldn't afford to be so surprised by her own sudden rush of... whatever that emotion had been... to lose concentration the way he had. And he certainly couldn't keep holding her the way he had when he'd brought her to Rhinnal nor the way he had just moments ago. Vader straightened his robe, hoping the movement of the fabric would erase the memory of her warm, soft body against his own.

AN: Bet you didn't expect this story to ever contain domestic fluff. (Don't worry, it won't last haha)