Hi everybody! I was supposed to wait until next week to post this but I didn't want to leave you guys on the same cliffhanger so I decided to give all of you a double-update this week :) This chapter, and succeeding ones will be filled with angst so prepare yourselves for emotional and painful-to-read conversations and confrontations. Also, Harvey and Donna's final conversation in this chapter is heavily inspired by a scene in The Good Doctor 2x02 where Shaun confronts Lea and tells her she hurt him.
Trigger warnings: Post-accident injuries, Mentions of Alcohol and Drug abuse, Mentions of anxiety
Donna has been holding her breath since she left Seattle. She didn't even have time to prepare, she just slipped on a pair of jeans, a gray bodyfit sweater, and black ankle boots. She booked herself on the next flight to New York which was midnight pacific standard time. She gave Rachel a call on her way to the airport to explain the situation, the couple immediately offered to accompany her but she assured them she can handle this by herself and that the only time they should come is when things go out of control.
The 5-hour flight to New York was the longest five hours of her life. All she could feel was anxiety. Linda was not allowed to give details on how serious Harvey's injuries are so she is about to find out for herself.
It's currently 10 am in New York, Donna rushes into the hospital straight from the airport. She knew she would eventually come back to New York one day, maybe for a quick visit when she's ready, but she never thought something like this would be the reason behind her return. She spots the nurse station and brisk walks over there. She speaks to the first nurse she sees.
"Hi. I'm Donna Paulsen. I'm Harvey Specter's emergency contact." Donna says, out of breath.
"Miss Paulsen. I'm Linda. We spoke on the phone."
"Yes," Donna remembers, "Yes, Linda. How is he? Can I see him?"
Linda gives her a comforting smile, "He's stable and sleeping. I can lead you to his room."
"Thank you."
They ride the elevator to the fifth floor. The hospital gave Harvey a private room in the corner, room 515. Linda opens the door and signals Donna to come in but she's frozen where she is, she can't bring herself to move her legs. It's gonna be the first time she sees him in 8 months.
"Miss Paulsen?"
"Yeah, sorry. I just haven't seen him in a while."
Linda presses her lips together and patiently waits for Donna to gain enough strength to enter his room. She takes in a deep breath and soon she's putting one foot in front of the other. She clutches on to her purse and luggage for dear life.
She gasps the second she sees him, she immediately places a hand over her mouth. He doesn't look as bad as she expected him to look, but that doesn't mean he looks good either. Tears immediately fall out and a sob escapes her. She lets go of her luggage and places her purse on the table nearest to her.
She rushes toward his side. She brings her hand to lightly brush hair away from his face, then her fingers settle on his cheek, very gently caressing him, the stubble on his cheeks and jaw meeting her fingers. He looks so different now. She tries her best to muffle her sobs, afraid she might wake him.
"What happened to him?
"I'm afraid I'm not aware of the specifics, you would have to ask Dr. Smith that."
"B-but what about his injuries?"
Linda briefly enumerates his injuries. Donna closes her eyes as she listens, it pains her to hear all this. "How soon can I speak to his doctor?"
"Right about now." a strange voice startles her, she turns around and wipes her tears away. Standing in front of her is a tall, dark, and quite handsome man.
"Hi. I'm Dr. Peter Smith, I'm Harvey's attending physician, I'm just doing my morning rounds." He extends his hand to her.
"I'm Donna Paulsen, his emergency contact." Donna shakes his hand, her fingers are ice cold from how scared she is.
"You've been unreachable for a couple hours, Ms. Paulsen." He says as he looks at Harvey's monitors, studying his oxygen levels, heart rate, and blood pressure.
Donna closely looks at the Doctor's face, trying to read his face but she can't tell what he's thinking.
"Yeah, I, uh, I was in Seattle at the time of the accident." She swallows, "I flew straight here as soon as I got the call. And please, call me Donna."
"Ah, that explains it." He turns away from the monitors and faces her. "His vitals are improving. Do you mind if we move this conversation outside? I don't want to risk waking our patient. He needs the rest"
That doesn't sound good, she thinks. How bad was the accident? How much work did they do on him? She has so many questions but she opens her mouth to say "Of course." She trusts them.
Dr. Smith leads her out the room but leaves the door open. "So have the nurses briefed you on his injuries?"
Donna nods, "Yes."
"Good. There's no need to worry, his injuries aren't too serious. His head hit the steering wheel so there is a cut on his forehead which we stitched up and bandaged. He also has a mild concussion from the impact. The seatbelt saved his life but it did dislocate his left shoulder, but nothing we couldn't fix and put it back in its place. He also has a fractured left forearm so he will be in a cast and arm sling for a couple of weeks, maybe even months, depending on the healing duration."
Donna keeps nodding, it's a lot of information, she feels like throwing up but she can't right now. She needs to know everything so she knows how to take care of him.
"Y-you mentioned a concussion?"
"Yes. I know it sounds scary because it's a type of traumatic brain injury but the effects are usually temporary."
"Could he lose his memory?" It pains her to ask him that. What if Harvey wakes up and doesn't recognize her or anyone at all? She doesn't know how she would be able to handle that.
Dr. Smith sighs, "He could. We won't know until he wakes up." Donna feels like she is about to faint. "But if he does have memory loss, it won't be long-term. Like I said, his concussion was a mild one. Memory loss is the worst case scenario, but I am confident that the most he will be getting from this are headaches and problems with balance and concentration."
"Okay." Donna breathes.
"Are you related?"
"No…" She pauses, "We… We used to work together for a long time."
"Okay. Does Harvey have any family nearby that you would like us to contact?"
"He, um," She stutters then brings her hand to caress her jaw, "He has a brother and a mother in Boston." Dr. Smith nods and takes note of that in Harvey's file, "But knowing Harvey, he wouldn't want to worry them. I can be the one to call if he asks for them." Her voice is shaky, her exhaustion and anxiety has officially gotten to her. "Do you happen to know how he got into the accident?"
"Police report says he was driving under the influence, he crashed into an electrical post."
Stunned and in disbelief, Donna takes a step back and furrows her brows. "That can't be right."
"I'm afraid it is, Donna. The police report coincides with his toxicology report." He flips through Harvey's file and hands her both reports to look at. "The tests we conducted on him showed that his blood contained a significant amount of alcohol and cocaine."
Donna's eyes shoot up, "Cocaine?"
"I'm afraid so. I'm sorry."
"That doesn't make sense." Donna mumbles under her breath but it was loud enough for the doctor to hear. Or does it? He lost cases, failed to show up to court, has he been getting wasted and high this whole time?
Dr. Smith notices her lips going pale and her hand twitching, he tucks his board under his armpit and touches her arm lightly. "Everything is going to be alright, Donna."
Donna gives him a sad smile, "Thank you, Doctor."
Inside, the nurse is adjusting the flow of his IV, when she notices Harvey shift his head. He opens his eyes but doesn't see anything right away, everything is blurry. He squints, allowing his vision to adjust to the white lights. When everything finally starts to clear up, the first thing he sees is his arm in a cast. He looks to his left and sees the nurse, he groans as he feels pounding in his head.
The nurse calms him down. "Mr. Specter?"
"W-where am I?" Harvey groans.
"You got into an accident, Mr. Specter. I'm your nurse, Linda, and you're currently admitted at Mount Sinai Hospital. You've been asleep for about 9 hours. You have a concussion, they had to stitch up your forehead, you dislocated your left shoulder, and you fractured your arm."
"W-what? How?" He asks as he brings his fingers to touch his forehead. An accident? He does not remember a single thing from last night. He remembers drinking in his office but he doesn't remember ever leaving. He looks around, sees himself in a hospital gown and shakes his head. He hates hospitals, he always has. "I can't be here right now."
"Mr. Specter, you aren't allowed to leave until Dr. Smith clears you."
"I don't want to be here and you can't stop me." He tries to sit up but then he feels pain suddenly jolting through his entire left arm and shoulder, he screams.
The nurse tries to make him lean back down but he yanks her away with his good arm. "Mr. Specter, please calm down, you can't be making any sudden movements just yet."
Donna and Dr. Smith come rushing in as soon as they hear Harvey's scream. They see the nurse struggling to restrain him, even when compromised, Harvey is still very strong.
But then he looks to his right and sees Donna and he stops fighting. He stops breathing for a second, not believing who is standing in front of him. He blinks his eyes several times. Is it really her? It can't be. She's in LA, she should be in LA. He feels his chest tightening, he just doesn't know if that's a good thing or a bad one.
"Linda, it's okay, I can take it from here." Donna quietly says without breaking eye contact with him.
It's her voice. She's really here.
Nurse Linda and Dr. Smith nod at each other then sees themselves out and closes the door behind them, leaving Donna and Harvey alone in their silence.
Harvey still hasn't moved or said a word, his mouth is agape, this can't be another hallucination, can it? She can see shock on his face, she doesn't blame him. It's the first time they've seen each other in 8 months, they both wish it was under better circumstances but it had to be in his hospital room. She swallows a lump in her throat.
"Hi Harvey." She finally brings herself to say.
He doesn't answer. He's still staring at her, she has known him for so long but for some reason, she can't read the expression on his face. Scared about how he'll react to her being here, she decides to talk slowly and softly.
"I flew in straight from Seattle when I got the call. Apparently, I'm still listed as your emergency contact." Still no answer from him. All she hears is his heavy breathing and her pounding heart.
Why is he not answering? Does he not remember her?
"Harvey, you have a concussion so you may or may not…"
"I know." Harvey says firmly, this startles her at first. She's here. She's real. He tells himself. But he finally spoke so she thinks she should keep the conversation going.
"How are you feeling?"
"Tired."
"Really? You've been asleep for hours." She tries to throw a joke in there, hoping it would lift the uneasiness in the room but it doesn't. She looks down and pinches her own fingers, she's so nervous she can't even think about the right thing to say.
He wants to smile at her bad attempt to lighten up the mood but can't bring himself too. Her being physically present is something he has trouble coping with. He can see the way she's twitching like she doesn't know how to handle herself in front of him anymore, and he can tell she's overthinking the situation.
"You look good." he says softly, interrupting her busy thoughts.
Her heart melts, he remembers her. He hasn't lost his memory. She wants to say the same thing back but she would be lying. His hair is all over the place, he's in bad shape, and he has a bandage on his forehead and a cast around his arm.
"You don't." Donna says, water pooling in her eyes.
"You're here." He states, trying to wrap his head around it. She really is here in this room.
Donna chuckles and a tear threatens to escape her ducts, "I am." A smile forms on her face, this is going so much better than expected. But of course, she spoke too soon, it didn't take long for Harvey to become Harvey.
"You shouldn't be." He says without even thinking.
Donna's smile fades and turns into a worried frown. "Harvey, c-can we not… I don't think now is the best time to talk about…"
"When is?" He interrupts her.
She swallows, God she is so nervous. "When you're all better?" Hopefully.
He pauses for a minute before finally leaning back down against his uncomfortable hospital bed. Donna silently lets out a deep breath, he didn't necessarily agree or disagree, he just avoided a conversation that he doesn't have the strength for just yet.
She has a piece of paper in her hands, a list of questions she should ask him to see how much damage the concussion has done to him. She sits on the stool beside his bed and shows him the piece of paper.
"Dr. Smith instructed me to ask you these questions as soon as you wake up. Is that alright?"
He doesn't answer but he does nod his head slightly. He looks straight ahead, avoiding all possible eye contact with her.
"What is your full name?"
He rolls his eyes. "Harvey Reginald Specter."
"Do you know where you are right now?"
"At the hospital." He shakes his head, "Donna, stop, I'm fine." he waves her off.
She puts the paper down. He said her name, her shoulders feel so much lighter than they did just a few seconds ago.
"Do you feel pain anywhere? Linda left tylenol for you to take." She grabs the cup from the table beside him and hands it to him.
Without looking at her, he opens his palm and Donna places a pill in the center. He immediately takes it, tossing his head back as he swallows the pill. Donna tries to hand him a cup of water but he shakes his head.
She places the cup back on the table then slouches. She clicks her tongue, trying to think of something to say, Doctor says she has to keep the conversation going to make sure he is responsive.
"Doc says if your vitals are good, and if they remain good, they can release you tomorrow morning."
He doesn't answer her again, she doesn't take it personally. She can't imagine being in his position, experiencing so much pain. She decides to stop talking, cut him some slack and allow him to get the rest he needs. She pushes herself a little farther away from his bed to give him some space.
"Why were you in Seattle?" He asks, still refusing to look at her.
She thinks twice about answering but she knows better than to lie to him. "Yeah. I was visiting Mike and Rachel for the weekend."
He nods. She knows Mike is a touchy subject for him, especially because she knows she is the reason why they are no longer speaking. She notices that he's fighting the urge to sleep, his eyes are heavy but he's doing his best to keep them open.
"If you're still tired, you can go ahead and get some rest. You need it."
He finally turns his head in her direction and looks straight into her eyes. It's different from the first time, he looks vulnerable, like he's scared. Donna reads into it right away, they may not be on the best terms right now but he's scared she'll leave again.
She moves the stool closer to him again, their faces only about a foot away from each other. "I'll be here when you wake up, I promise."
She wants to touch him, to hold his hand, to caress his cheek again, but she knows she shouldn't. Not yet. So she keeps her hands to herself.
He doesn't do or say anything, he just closes his eyes, a couple minutes later, he's snoring lightly. When she is certain he is asleep, she places her hand on his, gently squeezing it. And their hands stay that way for a while.
.
Linda comes back at around noon to bring Harvey a tray of food. Donna smiles at her and thanks her as the nurse places the tray on the table next to Harvey's bed. Donna has let go of his hand hours ago but she has not left his side, she is exhausted from all the traveling she has done since yesterday but for some reason can't bring herself to sleep.
She gets up and goes to the bathroom, she rolls the sleeves of her sweater up and splashes cold water on her face to make her look less tired and fixes her hair up in a ponytail. She also applies a little bit of lip balm to give her lips a little moisture and sheen.
She gets out and closes the door behind her and to her surprise, Harvey is just starting to wake up. He's stirring and then he eventually opens his eyes. She's standing at the end of his bed, arms crossed in front of her chest.
"Hey." She whispers and gives him a small smile. "You hungry?"
"No." He whispers back. He looks relieved, like he's relieved to see her standing there.
"Well, you have to eat something." She goes to his bedside table and looks at the food they brought him. The tray contains chicken soup, a tuna sandwich, a banana, and a cup of jello. She touches the side of the bowl of soup to make sure it's still warm so she doesn't have to heat it up using the microwave. She takes the bowl and a spoon and sits on the stool next to him.
She brings the bowl and a spoonful of soup close to his mouth, he stares at the spoon for a moment. "Come on," She says, "Eat up, it's chicken soup."
"I can feed myself." He says.
"No, you're too weak to."
"Donna, I can feed myself." He says a bit more sternly this time.
She slowly puts the spoon back in the bowl. "Okay." She says in defeat. She doesn't want to start an argument, that's the last thing she wants right now. She sets up the tray table from the side of his bed and places the bowl of soup there. She sits back down and watches him like a hawk.
With a weak right arm, he reaches for the soup and tries to bring it close to his mouth but the moment he leans forward, he winces in pain, it's his shoulder. He drops the spoon back in the bowl creating a little splatter on the table and his hospital gown.
Donna grabs a couple of tissues and cleans up after him. "I told you so." She says, he doesn't answer. After throwing the tissues in the bin, she looks him in the eye. "Can I feed you?" her tone makes her sound like she's talking to a child.
He nods, he doesn't really have a choice. She smiles a little. She starts feeding him, and soon he's already consumed half the bowl. He raises a hand to stop her from giving him another spoonful and she puts it down.
"Full already?"
"No, It just doesn't taste that good."
She giggles then presses her lips together. She's glad he's comfortable enough to make jokes around her again, but there is a question that has been lingering in her mind that she can't not know the answer to.
He looks at her, appreciating how beautiful she looks even with her hair tied up in a messy ponytail. "You look tired."
"I am. I haven't slept yet."
"You should."
"I will eventually. I mean, that couch looks comfortable enough to sleep in." She says, pointing at the couch on the other side of the room. She bites her lip, she can't wait any longer. She has to ask her question now. "Harvey, can I ask you something?"
He raises his brows. "Okay" He breathes.
This is it. No turning back now. Her voice is low and full of concern, "When did you start using cocaine?"
"Donna…" He shakes his head then looks away from her.
She is projecting her voice now. "Your blood tests showed not only excessive amounts of alcohol but also coke, that's how you drove off the road and into an electrical post. So, when did you start using?"
He pretends he doesn't hear her question. He looks straight ahead at the empty wall in front of him, hoping she stops asking her questions.
"Pot, I understood because you rarely smoked it but coke? Seriously, Harvey?"
"I don't need your judgment right now." He says, voice emotionless.
"You're right, you don't. You need help."
"I don't need help, Donna, I'm not an addict. And even if I was, it shouldn't matter to you."
"Well, it does because the Harvey I know…"
"The Harvey you knew doesn't exist anymore." He interrupts. He can already see how much his statement threw her off. "I'm no longer hungry." He whispers, then turns his head to the other side of the room.
She sits in silence, wondering if she should keep pushing or if she should throw in the towel and go easy on him. She chooses the latter, they can always have this conversation another time. She shakes her head in disappointment then stows his tray table, putting the bowl of soup back where it belongs.
She takes her wallet and walks out of the room, she looks for a vending machine or a cafeteria, some place where she can buy a coffee and maybe some food. The male nurse guides her in the direction of their in-house cafe.
15 minutes later, she's sitting by herself in the cafe, twirling her pasta with a fork. She replays their last conversation over in her head again.
The Harvey you knew doesn't exist anymore.
There's a pinching sensation in her chest. It's painful to think about how she used to be the person who knew him best, now he's turned into someone completely different and she doesn't know how to handle that. Maybe because she knows it's her fault.
Not long after, she finds her way back to Harvey's room. He's asleep again. Good. She heads to the couch and finds a comfortable enough position to doze off. Hoping she can sleep off her frustration and exhaustion.
.
It's 8 pm, Donna is sitting on the watcher's couch, laptop opened, going through some emails and proof-reading the press statement Monica sent her hours ago. Turns out, the issue they had yesterday just got a whole lot worse, a lawsuit has been filed against their firm for breach of contract. The department she's heading is currently working on damage control and polishing their image. She has been on her laptop for about three hours now, she was able to get a couple hours of rest but the couch isn't the best place to sleep in. Her focus is laser sharp, like she's using her job to distract herself from everything that has happened today.
He's been awake for a couple minutes now but didn't bother letting her know. He looks at her and scans every single thing she's doing. One leg is tucked under her, she has her computer on her lap, her hair is down again, and she's typing vigorously. He looks at her face, studying every crevice, she looks exactly the same as she did eight months ago, maybe even more radiant.
It's like she never left, he thinks to himself. But she did. She left him without a warning and he can't just let it go just because she came back and batted her big beautiful hazel eyes at him.
"It hurt." Harvey says out of nowhere.
Donna looks up, she immediately puts her laptop on the table beside her. She didn't even notice he was up, she doesn't know how long he has been up. She panics, thinking maybe something is wrong with his arm or shoulder or head. "What is? What's hurting?"
"Every time I passed by your old office and saw it empty, it hurt." He says plainly, he sounds numb. He's not looking at her, his focus is set on the small container of jello he's holding.
Donna looks down, an ache starting to grow in her chest, definitely guilt. She slowly gets up, "Harvey, I thought we agreed not to…"
"Every time Ray and I passed by Del Posto on the way home from the firm, it hurt. Every night, I would look at that goddamn scratch you made on my Miles Davis and it hurt." His voice is showing more emotion now. He finally brings himself to look at her with eyes that just say 'pain'. "Almost everything I did or saw would remind me of you and it hurt. You left me and it hurt and it kept hurting and now you're back."
Donna crosses her arms over her chest and takes three steps towards his bed, "I came back for you. B-because I still care about you."
"No, you came back because you thought I was dying. But you're not here to stay," He says, voice laced with disgust. "You will leave again and it will hurt again. And if you really cared about me, Donna, you wouldn't have left."
His last sentence makes her jaw drop slightly, she can feel the tears building up in her eyes, her throat strains from holding them back. That was an awfully selfish thing to say. She runs her tongue over her lips then walks out his door, she won't allow him to villainize her for leaving as a result of what he did to her. He hurt her first.
She knew coming back to take care of him wouldn't be easy after everything they've been through but why does he have to make everything so goddamn difficult.
As soon as her silhouette disappears into the hallway, Harvey grabs his cup of jello and throws it against the nearest wall.
Donna frantically looks for a place or a corner to cry in. She sees an emergency staircase to her left and walks towards it. She pushes the doors open and is pleased to see it empty. She scrolls through her phone and taps Rachel's number.
"Pick up. Pick up. Pick up." She mumbles to herself, impatiently waiting as it rings. She paces back and forth, she needs someone to console her now.
"Hey, Rach."
"Donna! How are you? How is he?"
"He's fine," Donna clears her throat, "Recovering."
Concerned about the negative tone in her voice, Rachel asks, "That's great, but you don't sound so good, is something wrong?"
Donna stops walking. She leans her head against the wall and sniffles as the tears start to fall down her cheeks. Her words come out in a whisper as she achingly says, "He hates me."
Hi, besties! How are we doing? This chapter, as painful as it was to write, made me feel so fulfilled and accomplished when I finished it. Did this live up to your expectations? I hope you enjoyed the double-update. I look forward to hearing your thoughts, both positive and negative. Thank you for reading. See you next week! :)