Hello, besties! Again, the amount of comments and reviews I'm getting for this fic continues to blow my mind. Thank you so much.
Wednesday, October 21, 2020
Donna is walking through a bustling crowd of people on the sidewalk, a bag of takeout burgers in hand. She squeezes her way through, hoping to reach Harvey's apartment soon because the amount of people is starting to make her feel claustrophobic.
Harvey didn't stay long last night. He continued to hold her until she eventually stopped crying. The night ended with Donna walking Harvey to the door and bidding each other good night. They both went to their respective beds with lighter shoulders and happier hearts.
A smile grows on her face as she recalls the moment they shared but that smile instantly turns into a frown when a man passing by hits her. Her purse gets knocked off her shoulder and falls to her wrist, she turns her head and screams in frustration "Watch where you're going!"
She rolls her eyes when she sees the man continue to walk without acknowledging what he just did to her. She sighs, pulls her purse back up to her shoulder then gets back to walking in the direction of Harvey's apartment. She hears her phone ring in her purse, she stops walking for a minute to search for it. She grabs it and checks the called ID, it's Mike.
"Hey, Mike!" She says as she brings the phone to her ear.
"Hi, Donna."
"What's up?"
"I was calling to see how Harvey's doing."
"Well, I'm on my way to see him now but he's been doing well so far." She says as she continues walking down his block.
"That's good to hear. So are you two back to being friends?" The puppy asks.
"I wouldn't use that word."
"Wait, so you're not on good terms?" He asked, confused.
"We had another fight last night and made up but… I don't know, we're a long way from what we used to be." Knowing there's something more to his phone call than just a quick 'Hi' and 'Hello', she decides to get right to the point. "Anyway, are you gonna tell me the real reason why you're calling me or not?"
"How did you…" He asks, dumbfounded by how she could tell already.
"Do I really have to tell you?" She interrupts.
Mike takes a deep breath. "Rachel and I are flying to New York this Friday to visit him."
A smile grows on her face. "This Friday? Mike, that's great news."
"Is it?" Mike asks, a little concern is noticeable in his tone. "Because I've been calling his cell since the accident happened and he hasn't returned any of my calls."
She furrows her brows. "Are you sure you're calling the right number?" She knows both men haven't been on the best terms since she left but it's unlike Harvey to just straight up ignore calls, especially Mike's.
"Yes, Donna I am. Which is why I'm even more nervous to see him."
Donna clicks her tongue. "How about I spend the next couple of days warming him up about the idea?"
"What do you mean?"
"I'll be giving out hints until you arrive." She says as she arrives at the lobby of Harvey's apartment. She smiles at Charlie, the security guard, who opens the main door for her.
Mike sighs, hoping her plan works out. "Okay, I trust you. You'll let me know how he takes it?"
"Of course I will. Just keep trying to call him, he might finally pick up." Donna assures him.
Mike takes in a breath of relief. "Thanks, Donna. See you this weekend." He says then hangs up. Donna presses the button to call on the elevator. She locks her phone then places it in her purse. She presses her lips together, thinking about how she can bring Mike up without angering Harvey.
The elevator arrives about a minute later, she steps in and presses Harvey's floor. She sighs as the doors close, and the ride up to his place never felt slower.
Harvey is pouring himself a cup of coffee. It's about 9 am, and he has a doctor's appointment before lunch. After making up last night in her apartment, Donna insisted she be present today and he knows better than to tell her 'No'.
Their screaming match last night got him thinking a lot about what she said. She explained her side of the story and it made him feel guilty about resenting her. He was unaware of how much he had hurt her until she told him. He didn't realize that was the final straw, he always thought she left for her selfish reasons when it was him who had been selfish all along.
Loud knocks on his door interrupted him from his thoughts. He takes a quick sip from his cup then walks towards the door. He already knows it's her so he opens the door.
"Hey." She says, her smile already brightening his day.
"Hey." He says back. He steps aside to invite her in. She walks towards the kitchen and places her purse on the counter.
"Have you eaten yet?" She asks as she removes the scarf around her neck and her coat. She throws both on one of his couches.
"Just coffee."
"Good, 'cause I got us burgers." She says, pulling a burger out of the paper bag and handing it to him. She knows how much he loves burgers, she sees his face instantly light up.
Harvey smiles as he takes it from her, she returns the smile. The atmosphere is lighter now that they've made up. She can feel the change in their dynamic, she is so much more comfortable around him now that they were able to talk about the elephant that has been lingering in the room for the past five days.
Yes, things between them are better now but it's still not the same. It's going to take more time and more hard-hitting conversations to address all the pain, hurt, and anger they've inflicted on each other. But for right now, baby steps are bigger than no improvement at all.
Donna takes a seat on one of the stools and Harvey is standing across from her behind the counter. They eat their burgers in peace. He turns around and grabs a spare cup. He holds it up and asks her "Want one?"
"Yes please." She says and he pours her a cup. She thanks him as she grabs it and brings it to her lips, lightly blowing on the surface to cool it down.
"You think Dr. Smith is gonna remove your stitches today?" She asks.
"Probably, I mean it's healing pretty nicely and it doesn't look infected."
"You're welcome," Donna says smugly, he chuckles in return. It is because of her, if she hadn't been so hands-on with leaning his wounds, he'd probably be in terrible shape right now. Donna glances at him every once in a while, wondering how to bring Mike up without ruining his mood.
"Mike called me while I was on my way here." She says casually before taking a bite of her burger.
She sees Harvey stop chewing for a second, he continues then tries his best to remain nonchalant. "What did he say?"
"He was calling to ask how you were." She takes a sip of her coffee.
"You can tell him I'm fine."
"I already did. He also mentioned that you haven't been returning his calls."
Harvey looks at her, down at his burger, then at her again. He shrugs then tosses what remains of his breakfast into the trash bin.
Donna shakes her head slightly, he's doing it again, he's acting like a child and avoiding a real conversation. "Harvey, It's time to forgive Mike." She suggests cautiously.
"Don't tell me what to do." He says as he takes another sip of his coffee.
"Harvey…"
"He betrayed me." Harvey interrupts.
"No, he didn't. I asked him not to tell you." She places her hand on the counter. "He's still your friend."
He rolls his eyes and says "Friends don't keep things from each other."
"Yes, they do."
"No, they don't. Donna, aside from each other, we've always had our own support systems. You had Rachel, I had Mike. It's always been that way."
"You still have him."
"If I still had him then where was he when this happened?" He says as he gestures to his arm.
"How do you expect him to be here when you shut him out?" She bites her lip then takes a breath. "Harvey, you've forgiven me, why is it harder to forgive him?"
Harvey acts like he didn't hear what she just said. "Let's go. We're gonna be late for my doctor's appointment." He grabs his keys and wallet and heads out the door. Donna stays seated on the stool for a moment, clicking her tongue. She knew it wouldn't be easy but he always makes everything so difficult. She takes another sip of coffee before taking her coat, scarf, and bag. She walks out of Harvey's apartment and shuts the door behind her.
.
The car ride to the hospital was not the best. Not only did they not bother to talk or look at each other once, Harvey's phone has been buzzing for the past couple of minutes but he keeps sending the caller to voicemail. Donna already knows who the caller is, it's Mike, and her heart aches for him. She can't imagine how hard it must be for him. She also feels responsible for their falling out.
"Do you have any plans on answering that?" She finally brings herself to ask.
"No." He says plainly.
She rolls her eyes then turns her head back to the window. Fifteen minutes later, they arrive at the clinic. Ray pulls the car over and opens the door for her. She smiles at him and whispers a quick "Thank you." Harvey's already a couple of feet ahead of her. She sighs then makes her way into the clinic. She sees him sitting in the waiting area with an empty chair next to him.
She sits down and places her purse on her lap. "How long am I gonna be punished for bringing up Mike?" She asks him.
He doesn't answer her, he just scrolls through his phone like he didn't even hear her. Donna gives up, she thought they might actually get to talk about sensitive topics after the moment they had last night but she was wrong. Harvey will always be Harvey, and there's only so much she can do about that.
"Harvey Specter?" A strange voice calls out.
Harvey raises his hand then they both stand. "That's me," Harvey says.
"Dr. Smith will see you now."
Just as Donna was about to start walking, he put his hand in front of her to stop her. "What?" She asks him.
"I'm not a kid. I can do this check-up by myself." He says softly then he heads inside the clinic.
Donna sucks on her upper lip then sits back down on her seat. She wants to be in there with him but he's right, he can do this one by himself, she doesn't have to have her eye on him 24/7. She looks at the magazines on the table in front of her and grabs the one that she thinks she would find the most interesting.
"How are you doing, Harvey? You look good." Dr. Smith says as he points to where he wants Harvey to sit.
"I am good, I feel good," Harvey says as he takes a seat.
"That's nice to hear." He walks towards him and examines his forehead.
"Your scar is healing nicely, we can remove the stitches today, we don't have to wait another week."
"That's great."
A couple of minutes later, Dr. Smith successfully removes all the sutures, placing each one on the tray beside him. He cleans the scar one last time then stands to place the tray somewhere else so he can proceed with the rest of the check-up.
He asks Harvey to remove his arm sling so he can examine Harvey's forearm. He carefully stretches it out. "Can you close your fist for me?" He asks, Harvey complies. "Okay, now open it." Harvey complies again.
Dr. Smith nods, impressed. "Alright, Pinch me please." He says as he rolls up his sleeve, exposing his arm to Harvey. Harvey tries his best to pinch as hard as he can but he sees that his doctor doesn't feel pain at all.
"Okay so your arm is still pretty weak but nothing physical therapy can't fix." Dr. Smith comforts him.
"How much longer do I have to be in this cast?" Harvey asks.
"Your fracture wasn't so bad so I'm guessing a couple more weeks."
"I can live with that."
"Alright, let's check in on that concussion of yours. Do you still experience any nausea, dizziness?" Dr. Smith asks as he takes the penlight from his desk.
"Not anymore."
"Okay. Follow my finger please." He says, holding his index finger up. It starts moving and Harvey follows it with his eyes. Dr. Smith turns the penlight on to check on his pupils but Harvey shuts his eyes right away and hisses. The light reminds him of the streetlights the night he got into the accident.
This alarms Dr. Smith. Harvey is improving physically but the same can't be said for him mentally. His voice comes out soft, comforting. "Okay, Harvey, since you did go through a traumatic accident, I am also recommending you to have a psych consult with..."
"No," Harvey argues, not a beat later.
"I strongly advise you…"
"Things didn't turn out so great the last time I visited a psychiatrist," Harvey says, voice low. He isn't lying.
"I'm sorry to hear that." Dr. Smith says in sympathy. "But I am afraid that you might be suffering from Posttraumatic stress." He expresses his concern.
"I'm not."
"We won't know for sure unless you consult with a medical professional. I can write down a list of people I think you would like."
"That won't be necessary, thank you." Harvey stands. He clears his throat then extends his hand for a handshake. Dr. Smith hesitates but decides to respect his patient's decision. He shakes Harvey's hand as Harvey thanks him.
Harvey makes his way out of the clinic. Donna hears the door open so she looks up, she is pleased to see him without stitches. She tosses the magazine back on the table and gets up. "Hey, how was it?" She smiles.
"Good. I'll go settle the bill, you can call Ray so you can wait in the car." Harvey says sternly. He sounds annoyed, this ticks Donna off. Did something happen in there? She doesn't recall hearing raised voices inside. Harvey's body disappears from the waiting area as he heads towards the billing department. She stands there, stunned, wondering what went wrong for him to act that way.
Dr. Smith emerges from his clinic then recognizes her immediately. "Donna, good to see you again."
"Hi, Dr. Smith." Donna smiles. "Can I ask what happened? Harvey seems to be a bit off."
Dr. Smith presses his lips together. "I recommended a psych consult which he strongly opposed. He said his last experience with a psychiatrist wasn't the best."
Donna's mouth opens slightly. She gets it now. Paula. It's still a sensitive issue for him in more ways than just being a factor for their falling out.
"He didn't even bother accepting this list of my recommendations for him." He says as he pulls a note from his coat pocket. "Do you mind holding on to this until he decides to give therapy another shot?"
Donna nods, taking the note from him. "Thank you, Dr. I'm sorry for how he acted."
"It's alright, I understand completely." He nods then excuses himself. Donna watches him as he walks to the men's room. She looks down at the note and bites her lips. She folds it again then places it in one of the inner pockets of her purse.
Oh, Harvey, she thinks to herself. She unlocks her phone and calls Ray to pick them up at the entrance.
.
Instead of getting takeout or ordering a pizza, they decided to have lunch at an Italian restaurant. He pulls out a chair and helps her in, she quietly thanks him because his mood still isn't the best even after the car ride here.
He sits opposite her and asks the waiter for the menu. Once given to them, Harvey immediately starts flipping through the pages. Donna just stares at him, wondering how long he is going to avoid therapy just because of the experience he had with one person.
Harvey can feel her heavy stare, he knows she knows something ticked him back in the clinic. So he decides to do what he does best, steering clear of the conversation, not knowing it's just gonna add fuel to the fire. "You see anything you like?" He asks without looking at her.
She blinks a couple of times. "I'll get whatever you're getting." She says.
"That's unlike you."
"You know what? I'll just get a salad, I'm not that hungry anyway."
Harvey nods. "A salad for the lady and I'll take a Veal Parmigiana." He says as he hands the waiter both their menus. The waiter says their meals will be ready in approximately 20 minutes, Harvey thanks him and the waiter leaves their table.
Harvey clears his throat and drinks from his glass of water. Donna still hasn't said anything to him, at this point she's just waiting for him to open up to her because forcing his feelings out of him has never gone well in the past.
"Dr. Smith and I talked for a minute in the clinic," Donna says casually.
"Really?" Harvey asks, a brow raised in curiosity. "What did he say?"
"He says you look good."
"That's all he said?"
"I don't know, did he say anything else to you?" She asks, testing him.
Harvey rolls his eyes in annoyance, of course, she knows what happened. "Did I ever tell you how much I hate it when you do that?"
"Do what?" Donna asks coyly.
"That."
"I never said anything." She says in her defense.
"But you know something you're just refusing to bring it up but at the same time you can't let it go." He says, clearly annoyed.
Donna leans forward and lowers her voice. "Harvey, I think you need therapy too."
"I'm not going back to therapy, Donna. I don't need it." He says, waving her off.
"You don't know that."
"Neither do you." He leans back in his seat.
Donna lets out a breath. "You can't let her stop you from getting help."
'You think this is about her?"
"I think it's about her, me, and you. You're afraid something like that is gonna happen again but it won't." She tries her best to convince him.
"You make it sound like it's that simple." He says sarcastically, shaking his head slightly.
Donna gives up on the topic, for now, she slumps her shoulders. It's probably easier to get a child to eat their vegetables than it is for someone to get someone like Harvey Specter to do something they need to do but don't want to do. "Fine, we'll talk about therapy some other time. But you need to start going to your AA meetings."
Harvey starts chuckling, he can't believe they're having this conversation right now in the middle of a restaurant.
"Harvey, It's either rehab or 30 AA meetings."
"Neither."
"Harvey, you have to. You've been ordered by the court…"
"Fuck the court." He says.
His behavior is starting to piss her off. "Why are you making it so hard for us to help you?"
"Oh, I'm making it hard? All of you are forcing me to do things I don't want to do."
"Harvey, look at me." She says as she searches for his eyes. When his brown ones finally meet hers, her voice comes out begging. "I can't do this by myself. Everyone is trusting me to help get you better because you've been shutting them out for months but I don't think I can." She finally admits. "I know it's hard for you to ask for help but you need it, professional help, the kind I can't give you."
He senses the desperation in her voice and it hits him like a knife in his gut. He can't bear to see her like this, begging for him to listen to her. The waiter comes seconds later, placing both of their meals in front of them. Donna fakes a smile and thanks him. She takes the napkin from the table and places it on her lap.
"I did a little digging and called a friend of mine in recovery. There's one a couple of blocks from here that doesn't look as obvious. All the people there are businessmen, a couple of high-profile sharks, and a couple of lawyers." She says. "Sounds like your kind of people." She adds.
His kind of people? He mentally mocks that statement. But at the same time, she does have a point. He could be more comfortable being in a room with people who have gone through similar experiences as him, he might even run into an old client or someone he knows. It's a good plan, he can't deny that.
He takes another minute to think it over, she patiently waits for him to make up his mind. "Friday." He says, no emotion in his voice whatsoever. He knows he can never win a fight against her.
Relief washes over her. Finally, she thinks to herself. She knows it's not easy for him and she appreciates his effort. "Thank you." She mouths to him. He gives her a small smile before telling her to start eating her salad.
The waiter came back with a bottle in his hand. "Would you like some red wine to pair with your meals?" He asks them.
Donna panics at the mention of wine. "No, thank you." She says immediately. "Water would be fine for both of us. The waiter smiles and refills their near-empty glasses of water, then walks away.
Harvey looks at her with such admiration. She declined a glass of wine because she thinks it would bother him, and it makes him think back on all the bullshit he put her through this past week. She badly wants to help him get better, and all he has been doing is make things difficult.
Donna smiles at him before digging into her salad. It takes a minute for him to follow suit. She thinks Harvey is doing all this, saying yes to AA meetings and reconsidering therapy to help himself when he's just trying his best not to disappoint her. Everything he does will always be for her.
.
Ray and Harvey dropped Donna off at her apartment after lunch. She spent the entire afternoon having Zoom meetings and proofreading press releases. It's hard to work for a company that's almost 3000 miles away especially when there's an ongoing crisis that is driving every single employee insane, Donna included.
She gave up a couple of hours later, rewarding herself with a long nap after exhausting all her energy on a job she does not even enjoy. She closes her eyes and shuts the rest of the world out. To hell with that lawsuit, to hell with her incompetent colleagues, she knows they don't value her. If this was the old firm, she wouldn't mind putting in long hours at the office, sacrificing sleep and her sanity, but this isn't PSL and she isn't COO anymore. She knew what she was walking away from, she just never thought that she would feel this unfulfilled.
She wakes just in time for dinner. She decided to order a pizza because she isn't in the mood to cook something fancy, she's all alone tonight anyway. It arrives about 20 minutes later, it's a normal pepperoni pizza but with a special yellow tomato topping. Harvey always found it stupid, comparing it to pineapples saying that both do not belong on pizzas. She giggles as the memory replays in her mind. She thought about calling him just to check up on him but she decides against it, he's probably had enough of her today. So she eats her pizza in silence, hoping it'll give her enough fuel to power through another round of Zoom meetings.
It's 10 in the evening now. Donna is sitting on her couch with a phone to her ear and her computer on her lap. She is having yet another heated agreement with Monica. They've been on the phone for almost an hour now trying to get on the same page for the damage control they have to do for their firm.
Donna's phone buzzes so she takes the phone away from her ear to see who's calling, It's Harvey. She panics, he never called her this late in the evening ever since she came back.
"Hey, Monica? I'm gonna have to call you back."
"Later or tomorrow?"
"Just wait for my fucking call." She says in annoyance. She hangs up and answers Harvey's call, feeling her stomach tightening in anticipation.
"Hello?"
"Hey." He says, his voice is unexpectedly calm.
"Hey. Is something wrong?" She asks worriedly.
"Why does something always have to be wrong?" He laughs. "Can't I just call you without any reason?"
Donna takes a breath of relief, he's just being Harvey, nothing to worry about. "Fair enough, you used to do that a lot."
"I did." He says as he sits up and leans against his headboard. "I miss it actually." He admits, his voice is soft. He misses her too, but he doesn't tell her that.
Her cheeks start warming up, she smiles a little. "I miss it too." She hears him chuckle on the other end.
"What are you doing?" He asks as he plays with his fingers.
"Work." She groans as she stretches an arm.
"I'm sorry, did I call at a bad time?"
"No. In fact, you saved me from a nightmare of a phone call with Monica, my subordinate."
He chuckles lightly. "What about? It's past work hours this is supposed to be your 'you time'."
"First of all, I always work beyond work hours. Second, I haven't had me-time in God knows how long. And third, our firm got bitch-slapped with a lawsuit for breach of contract. My department is still working on damage control."
Harvey furrows his brows. "I'm sorry to hear that." He says sincerely. "If you're too busy, I can always call again tomorrow."
"No, it's fine. I needed this break." She pauses, letting out a long sigh.
"Hey, what do you say I take you out to a spa tomorrow? My treat." He suggests. He sounds excited.
"You don't have to do that."
"Come on, Donna. It's the least I can do. You've been taking such good care of me."
Her heart melts, she doesn't understand why people keep telling her he's changed, this alone proves otherwise. But then again, she wasn't here to witness his behavior the last 8 months. "I'd like that. But not tomorrow, I've got a lot of work to do so it has to fall on a weekend." She says.
"You're the boss."
"Thank you, Harvey." She says.
"No, thank you, Donna." He means every word.
A grin creeps on her face. "So, wanna tell me what's on your mind right now?" She says, trying to keep the conversation going.
He smiles, she really is one of the most selfless people on the planet. Her hands are full with work but she still has the time to check up on him and ask him how he is every now and then. "Nothing really."
"I don't buy that for a second. There has to be something." She says, her voice teasing him.
He shrugs. "Well for starters, I can't sleep."
She furrows her brows. "Why? Is anything bothering you?"
"No. Well, maybe. It's just… I, uh," He stutters, he closes his eyes then rubs his forehead. "I've been getting a lot of flashbacks from that night." His voice sounds weak like he has been dying to open up to someone about this. And she is the only one he trusts.
Donna closes her laptop and places it on the empty side of her couch. "What do you see? What do you remember?" She asks curiously as she pulls her knees to her chest.
"You might think it's silly."
"Harvey, I would never. You know me."
"Promise me it won't throw you off?"
"I promise," she says. He doesn't speak right away and she waits patiently. Opening up is extremely difficult for him, she knows that. So she gives him all the time he needs to conquer one of his fears.
He sucks on his upper teeth, debating on whether or not it's time to tell her what really happened that night. "I remember hearing your voice." He says
"What? What do you mean?" She furrows her brows, listening intently.
"I was drinking in my office and then I heard your voice calling me. It wasn't the first time, I heard you calling me every time I drank, which is probably why I kept drinking." He sighs after saying that. He always said he drank because he just felt like it but this conversation is turning a dark corner, it's getting deeper into Harvey's current psyche.
Donna swallows a lump in her throat. He drank and got high just so he could hear her voice again? "Harvey…" Her voice trails.
"I even saw you once, or I thought I did, I don't know." He interrupts. "You were out on my balcony, wearing a white dress. Anyway, I heard your voice calling me that night so I followed it. I got in the elevator and into my car and on the avenue."
"Oh my god." Her voice barely comes out as a whisper, she is too stunned. She feels a sudden rush of chills go down her spine.
"I thought I was getting closer because the further I drove, the louder your voice became. And then the next thing I knew, I woke up in the hospital."
"I'm so sorry." Her voice quivers as tears start building up in her eyes. Her hands start to tremble.
"Don't be." He reassures her. "Like I said, it's silly. I was hearing and seeing things that weren't there in the first place. It's just strange how I'm only remembering these details now."
"I don't know what to say." She says, which is strange because she always knows what to say and do. But in situations like this where she finds herself powerless, there is only so much she could prepare for.
Harvey knows it's odd but he understands anyway. It's a hard topic to discuss and a lot to take in. "Then don't say anything, I'm not expecting you to. Just stay on the phone with me." He says, hoping she'll say yes. He loves her company, even if it's just over the phone.
Donna bites her lip then nods. This is the least she could do for him, and it's not like this is the first time he's asked her to do this in the thirteen years they've known each other. "Okay." She says.
They stay on the phone until she hears him snoring lightly, only then does she end the call. She gets up from her couch and walks to her bedroom. She gets under the covers and stares at the ceiling, trying to process everything that Harvey just admitted to her. She doesn't even bother to call Monica back anymore, that's how distraught she is.
Donna starts thinking back to her nightmare, it was right. If he died that night, it would've been because of her. A tear rolls down her cheek as she starts throwing all the blame on herself. She continues to drown in the sorrow of the darkest corners of her thoughts until the sunlight shines through her window.
Hi, everybody! I hope I didn't scare you away with the mention of P*ula. I'm going to do my best to integrate a storyline that involves Harvey going to therapy again but it will take some time as he clearly still has some issues with it. Anyways, Mike and Rachel will be dropping by next week! Hope y'all stick around for that.