Thank you for all the sweet reviews on the last chapter. You guys are the absolute best. So, here is it. The chapter where all your question are answered.
Hailey
What did I do?
The question has been running through my head on repeat. It's been two weeks since Jay was in my apartment and I have yet come to grips with what happened or the fact that his taste still lingers on my lips. It was just a kiss – and yet it was so much more. The moment our lips met I was lost in a haze, lost in everything except the touch and taste of him. Jay has a way of intoxicating me with nothing other than his mouth.
One brief kiss and I'm all over the place.
And since then, I've felt incredibly hollow, empty – as if I've been disconnected from the world. I'm basically running on autopilot. Well, autopilot and coffee. Haven't been sleeping either.
Jay has kept his distance – as much as two partners can while on the job. Compartmentalizing our interactions at work has made it tolerable, but sometimes just his presence magnifies the pain in my chest until I feel like I can't breathe. There is a part of me that aches for him, that wants to be wrapped in his arms, but the other part wants to keep the jagged pieces of my heart buried in a place never to be touched.
I'm running late, but I desperately need to have a decent cup of coffee before I go to work. Against my better judgment, I stop by the little coffee shop on Dearborn. I'm waiting in line when I catch a glimpse of a mop of red hair just ahead of me. Shit! Then the redhead begins turning in my direction and before I can figure out how to blend in with the walls, Will spots me and waves.
Shit! Shit! Shit!
"Hailey!" he calls out. "Hailey, over here!"
I raise my hand in a weak attempt at a friendly wave back, though I'm pretty sure the forced smile on my face looks more like a grimace.
"You still take your coffee black?" he shouts from the front of the line.
I nod and hear him add it to his order. I step out of the line and stand there, my nerves tensely on edge, waiting for the moment when I have to face him. He must know how much I'm dreading this. Can a hole open up beneath my feet and swallow me whole?
Will approaches a few moments later, holding two cups of coffee in each hand and a bag with a baked good under his arm. Handing me one of the cups, he says, "I figured it's the least I can do." He takes the bag from under his arm and adds, "I also got you a frosted donut."
What's up with Halstead men trying to bribe me with food?
I grab the donut and we stand there, stiff and uncomfortable. Finally, Will clears his throat and says, in one quick rush, "Hailey, I'm sorry about the other day. I shouldn't have said anything…" his voice trails off. "I was way out of line and I'm truly sorry."
I try to play for time by taking a sip of my coffee, but it is far too hot, so it burns the inside of my mouth "You were just looking out for your brother," I say my tone clipped and dismissive. I'm sure he clocks it.
"Still," he continues, "I was a colossal jerk and I'm sorry I made you feel like a—a…"
"A scheming, manipulative bitch?" I supply helpfully.
"Yeah," he says sheepishly. "Like that. I was so insensitive and I should've known better… it's not like we're strangers."
I stare up and him and he gives me an apologetic smile. "I'm not below begging. You want me to get down on my knees? I will do it."
"Don't you dare get on your knees." I don't want to make him grovel – well, okay, maybe a little, but I'm not.
Sheepishly he asks, "Hailey, can you forgive me?"
"You were a colossal jerk."
"I know. I'm sorry."
I pause. "Yeah, I forgive you. I guess my track record with your brother isn't exactly spotless, so..."
Will shakes his head. "Compared to Jay, you're a saint. I'd take you over him any day."
We laugh and there's a palpable shift in the mood as if the space between us had been holding its breath and is now exhaling.
"I've been coming here every day hoping to run into you," he declares, which makes me chuckle.
"I've been actually avoiding coming here," I admit.
Will looks at me in mock shock. "You would rather drink that awful coffee at the district that tastes like the bottom of Lake Michigan than run into me?"
I shrug and give him a tight-lipped smile.
"Ouch," he says, feigning hurt. Or maybe his pride really is wounded. "I guess I deserved that. But I'm glad I finally got to talk to you."
"Yeah," I nod. "Me too."
There's a beat of silence and in the background, voices filter through, and the occasional laughter breaks out and around the small coffee shop. Will hesitates a moment then says, "I know it's not my place to ask, but how are things between you and Jay? He's been moping around like a lost puppy, and it's driving me crazy."
I release a nervous chuckle and sip my coffee. I don't know how to answer that. So, I go with, "Oh, you know..." and let the sentence hang unfinished.
Will's expression fills with a little concern, and it settles over my shoulders, heavy and uncomfortable, like a blanket of scratchy wool. It's the exact same look of borderline pity he gave me five years ago. He seems to think I will be forthcoming with details, but I'm not.
"For what it's worth, I always thought you two were perfect together. You guys had a bond like nothing I've ever seen before. If anyone could overcome any obstacle, it's you two."
He shrugs and his lips quirk in a lopsided smile. The one I return feels weak and uneasy. I duck my head, hoping to disguise it, then look down at my watch. "I should probably go," I say, turning for the door.
"Yeah, me too." Will nods. "If you need anything, don't hesitate to call."
"Thanks." I nod and make my way outside, quickening my steps.
"Oh, Hailey," he calls back. "Have you watched Bridgeton?" When I shake my head, he says, "You would love it."
I smile, but it sits uncomfortably on my lips. I wave goodbye and make my escape. I feel slightly better, but deep in my heart there is still an ache that won't leave; it constantly hangs over my life like a dark cloud. I'm not sure how to remedy it, but like everything else, I bury it.
x
At work, we have a tough case with tender-aged kids, and everyone is feeling the pressure. I notice Jay is a bit more despondent and slightly more uptight than normal. I reckon it's because of the case, but even after we wrap it, he is still exuding this restless energy that makes it impossible for him to settle.
It's almost six o'clock when Ruzek pushes aside a pile of reports on his desk and says, "Who ready for Molly's?"
"I'm in," Kevin says.
"Me too," Kim waves from her desk.
The three of them look expectantly towards our desk clump. I look up and catch Jay's eyes – devoid of emotion, empty and dark. I can tell one thing, though. He looks tired as if he hasn't slept in days. He closes his eyes for a moment and draws a deep breath, forcing the tension out of his shoulders.
"Rain check?" he asks. "I, uh, I got a thing tonight."
A thing? Jay is not on top of his game. He is usually better at making up excuses.
"I'm in," I say. Why not? I feel like I need a drink or two.
Everyone begins to pack up and I look over my computer screen to see Jay's eyes staring at nothing, unfocused, his gaze turned inward. I don't say anything because I can't read his expression. His face is blank. Too blank. He is wearing his aloofness like it's a fashion statement.
Ruzek pushes back on his chair, scraping it across the linoleum floor. "I'm out of here," he says, and heads out followed by Kim and Kevin.
"Right behind you," I say.
I finish the last sip of my third cup of coffee today and go into the kitchen to rinse out my mug. When I return to the pen, I see Will walking up the stairs.
He acknowledges me with a quick wave but turns his attention to Jay. "You ready?"
Jay nods. "Let me get my things," he says and strolls towards the locker room.
"Twice in one day?" I say, and when Jay is out of earshot I ask, "So, what are you two up to tonight?"
Will's face falls into a sad smile. "Today's the fifteenth."
"The fifteen—"
The realization slowly dawns on me and I can feel my chest constrict – as if the walls of the bullpen are closing in. Suddenly Jay's odd behavior makes perfect sense. Today is the anniversary of their mom's death.
Will sees the realization ripple across my face and adds, "We are going to Gene and Georgetti."
It is hard to get the words out. "Of course. It's tradition." A tradition that I was part of for a few years. My mind fills with sadness and pain as if my heart is being torn apart. I never met their mother, but from everything I've heard, she was an incredible lady.
"You can join us if you want," Will suggests. "It would be like old times."
"I told the guys I would meet them at Molly's," I say lamely as an excuse, even though Will knows that's not the real reason. The real reason just happens to be returning from the locker room.
"Ready," Jay says, looking between Will and me. Confusion covers his face, but then he realizes that I found out what day it is. His mouth flattens into a hard line and he looks away briefly.
"Let's go," he says.
They leave and I remain rooted to the floor, the silence surrounding me, uncomfortable and stiff, like a damned pantsuit.
x
I meet everyone at Molly's, but my thoughts are at the little restaurant on Franklin. I try to focus on the conversations, but my mind refuses to cooperate. It also doesn't help that I'm knocking back rounds of shots with a beer chaser. I haven't eaten dinner tonight and a buzz creeps over me. It's not a pleasant buzz, but numbing enough.
In time the mood (at least in my head) changes from a heavy feeling to one of lightness. The firefighters from 51 join us and it becomes a party. I wander over to the bar, drink in hand, a couple of people talk to me on the way and I'm starting to enjoy myself.
"You're Hailey, right? The new detective in Intelligence?"
A voice filters through the buzz in my head, jolting me slightly. I look to my left and see one of the firefighters from 51. I think his name is… Mark, Michael….
"I'm sorry, what's your name again," I ask.
"Matt Casey."
He extends his hand to shake mine, and I accept it in my own.
"Yes, I'm working in Intelligence, joined the units a few months ago."
"Did you just move here?" he asks while taking a seat on the barstool next to me.
"No… Yes…" I chuckle. "I'm from Chicago, but I spent the last few years living out of state."
"Work-related?"
"Yeah," I answer.
We drink, we chat, we talk – about work and other menial subjects. For once it feels nice to not think about my buried problems and truly decompress. But then the door to the bar opens and I feel the air change instantly. I look and see Jay, walking in, hand pinching the bridge of his nose, looking frazzled, as though he's having a hard time keeping still.
Something is wrong.
What the hell happened at Gene and Georgetti?
For a moment, our eyes meet, and I see his eyelids come down in the familiar curtain of detachment. This shouldn't sting but it does somehow.
For the next few minutes, I watch him knock back a few shots with the guys, and I can't help but worry this won't end well. A rock settles in my stomach. A strange sensation of déjà vu sets in and it doesn't take long for him to stumble towards where Matt and I are seated at the bar.
"Hey," Jay says, plopping himself on a stool next to Matt. He is more than a little tipsy and, realizing that he hasn't properly greeted Matt, he says, "How's it going, Casey? You having fun tonight?"
"So far so good," Matt answers politely. "You seem to be having a good time."
"The best time," he says.
Though I feel Jay's stare, I don't return his gaze. Not yet. I can't. The air feels strange and that rock in my stomach begins to turn to something sour.
"Hailey's the best, isn't she? We are good together." His words are slurred. "Did you know that?"
Matt frowns in confusion. "Wait, are you two a thing?"
"No," I say, as lightheadedly as I can. "He is just my work partner, who has clearly indulged – perhaps a bit too much tonight," I say, trying to keep the conversation light, even though my heart is racing.
"We were together, though…. Years ago," Jay affirms, and my stomach drops so quickly and so low I feel sick. "We were craaaazy about each other. Right up to the day I effed it all up."
For a second time today, I want a hole in the ground to open up and swallow me. Despite Matt's best efforts to hide his uneasiness, I'm conscious of the slight stiffness in his posture now.
"You see…" Jay continues. "My best friend, Mouse, his name was Greg, but we called him Mouse. He was killed overseas after a month into his third deployment. I was supposed to have deployed with him, but I stayed in Chicago," he says, and I detect a slight catch in his voice. "I wasn't there, and he died."
"I-I'm sorry, man," Casey offers.
"Maybe we should get you home," I tell Jay, hating the desperate tone in my voice. I need to get him out of here as soon as possible.
"I dug myself a ditch," Jay adds. "And Hailey…" He singles me out with his pointing finger. "She was there for me and—"
"Jay," I cut him off, "Let's get out of here, huh?" I offer.
His dark gaze rests on me for a moment and I sense he is weighing his words, choosing them carefully despite his drunken haze. He leans in, crowding the space, confusing my senses. "You know, sometimes I think you forget I also lost something that night too," Jay says.
Tears immediately prick the backs of my eyes and I press my thumbs against them, hoping the pressure will stop the drops from escaping.
Then without preamble, he stands up and clumsily knocks a beer bottle off the bar. A loud thud rings out, startling everyone in our vicinity, not to mention almost the whole bar. All eyes are on the three of us now. For a moment, I dread moving. Yet to resist will probably cause a bigger scene than the one already unfolding, so I rise silently to my feet.
"C'mon, Jay…"
"Want me to call him a cab?" Matt offers.
"No, it's alright, I got it," I say, forcing a grateful smile on my face.
Grabbing Jay's arms, I try to drag him out, but I can no sooner move a concrete pillar. As my nerves scream in dread that he will escalate things, it seems my unease gets under him. He suddenly turns his unfocused gaze to me. My heart thuds at the barely leashed frenzy I see in his eyes.
"It was ours, Hailey. Not just yours."
I put my hand against his chest. "Please," I beg him. "Don't do this, not here. Let's go outside."
Jay shakes his head slowly, no longer hearing me. From my periphery I catch Adam, Kevin, and Kim approaching. I begin feeling severe chest pains like my heart is bruising the inside of my body from beating so hard.
"I lost everything, Hailey…"
"Jay, come on," I say, tugging at his arm to steer him towards the exit. "Let's get out of here and I promise we will talk about everything. Please."
"I lost my best friend…"
"Jay, please…"
"…I lost you…"
I know what's coming next and I'm helpless to stop it. "Jay—"
"Then our baby."
His words hang in the air like a deflating balloon and the pain of his statement guts me raw, leaving me feeling hollow. My eyes continue to track the movement of his mouth as he speaks, but the sounds don't register in my brain. My vision blurs, and I can't see anyone or anything. My lungs start to burn, and I realize it is because I'm not breathing. Opening my mouth, a sob escapes, the sound slipping out of me sounding tortured even to my own ears. Unsure what to do, I stand there speechless with tears rolling down my face.
The night when I miscarried something inside of me ceased to exist. I felt numb. I was twenty-two weeks into the pregnancy and beyond the risk period of the first three months. The doctor called it a missed miscarriage, meaning our baby was still there, but there was no heartbeat.
"Adam, why don't you take Jay out the back to cool down. Hailey…?"
Kim's voice pierces my daze, shocking me back into my surroundings. I then realize she's asking me something.
"Yeah?"
"Are you okay?"
I feel Kim's hand on my back. I shake my head in response, and for the first time, I'm being honest with myself. All I want to do is scream and shout at Jay, but part of me is just too devastated, too brokenhearted to do it. Jay just took a sledgehammer to my heart.
I'm not okay. I haven't been okay.
"I-I need to go home." I manage to choke out the words.
"C'mon, I'll drive you. One of the guys will take your car."
Kim drags me out and to her car. She drives and I absently gaze out the window – the engine noise, the repetition of stop signs and streetlights makes me calm, anesthetize me, and after a while, I kind of forget why we're driving. My head is aching, my brain reeling from an avalanche of suppressed emotions. I'm exhausted and overloaded.
"Hailey…" Kim's voice brings me out of my own head once again. "We're here."
"Oh, uh, thanks."
"Just… If you ever want to talk about stuff. I mean, I'm here if you need an ear."
I think for a minute, and figure I have some explaining to do. I rather her have all the facts so that I won't have to do some major damage control later.
"I have an unopened bottle of malt whiskey," I offer.
Kim smiles and she looks at me with his kind eyes. "I wouldn't mind having a glass."
Kim follows me to my apartment, and we sit around my kitchen island, nursing our drinks. I'm feeling completely numb. I guess there is peace in pain so overwhelming that it shuts down all feeling. It is the only peace I've known lately.
Kim decides to break the silence. "So, you and Jay go way back?"
I nod. "We met my first week in the academy and it was like I had known him my entire life. I felt my whole world shift on its axis."
"Love at first sight," Kim says, and I don't disagree. "How long were you guys together?"
"Long enough to know he is my soulmate."
Kim is quiet for a minute, then she asks softly. "What happened, Hailey?"
I take a long, deep drink of the whiskey. It burns the back of my throat, which makes me think the words may come easier. "During my last month at the academy, Jay's best friend, Greg, died overseas. This set off a downward spiral. I tried to help him, but he shut down and shut me out. Then his PTSD kicked in…" I pause, taking another large sip from my drink. "Still, I stuck by him. I loved him."
Kim acknowledges my words with a nod, her silence urging me to continue.
"It broke my heart to see him in pain. I would beg him to talk to me – to anyone, but he'd just clam up and leave." I sigh. "And it was in the midst of that, I found out I was pregnant."
"Impeccable timing," Kim notes.
"Right? I delayed telling him, thinking he wouldn't be able to handle it. But then one day, while we were fighting, I let it slip."
…..
"Where are you going?" I asked, seeing him grab his coat from the back of a chair.
Jay didn't say a word as he scooped up his keys from the side table. His calm exterior amplified my panic because of course, he didn't care; he had nothing to lose.
"Jay—"
"I'm headed out," he answered curtly. "Do I need permission to come and go now?"
"No, that's not – You just got here. I'm making dinner and I thought we could—"
"I can't, Hailey. I just— I can't stay here," he said, marching towards the door.
"Wait, Jay, please—" I followed him. "Just stay here, with me. Please."
"No, stop it. I know what you're doing, and I can't do this right now. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to think about it. And I'm done doing this." Releasing a heavy sigh, he shook his head. "Hailey, maybe we should just call this what it is."
Fear wrapped around my heart and squeezed hard. "What the hell are you talking about?"
"This isn't working anymore," he said.
"No," I shook my head. "That's not— You can't do that—"
"Hailey, let's not beat around the bush."
I took a second to compose myself because it felt like a nuclear bomb had been dropped and my insides were exploding into pieces. "You can't do this. You can't leave. Jay—"
"Hailey, let's not make this harder than it needs to be."
Tears flooded my eyes. "You can't leave because—because…." My voice cracked. Then all hesitation, all restraint was gone. "Because I'm pregnant."
Jay's entire body stilled. "What—"
"I'm pregnant." It felt so damn good to finally get the words off my chest. Words that I had been wanting to say ever since I found out. "So, if you can't stay for yourself. Stay for me. Stay for us."
"You-you're pregnant?" he asked, swallowing hard.
"Yes," I said with a sigh. "Thirteen weeks."
"My God…" he said softly, almost reverently. He looked around as if lost, running a restless hand through his hair. "E-Everything okay?"
"Yeah," I nodded. "We are good."
Then Jay took careful steps towards me and wrapped me in a hug, pressing his cheek against my hair. Relief pitched in my chest and warmth flowed through me like a wave.
I buried my head into his chest and said, "Stay."
He kissed the top of my hair and said, "Okay."
…..
"Things got slightly better after that. I could see he was trying. He even went to a couple of appointments, and for a while there I thought he had finally turned a corner..." I do my best to smile, but both corners of my mouth are too heavy to move. "But then after the funeral, things quickly went from bad to worse."
I don't know how far I want to go, and I wonder if I should stop and change the subject. But Kim is listening with care and compassion in her eyes, so I continue.
"After not seeing him for three whole days, I went to his apartment and found him drunk out of his mind on the kitchen floor. At that point I was so overwhelmed, I didn't even react. I just stepped right over him and left. I did cry the whole way home because at that moment I realized I couldn't be with him anymore. I needed to take care of myself and the baby."
I take a deep breath and a large sip from my glass so I can get through this next part.
"But that night I started feeling these awful abdominal pains, and before I knew it, I was bleeding. I lost consciousness and hit my head on the edge of the bathroom sink." My hand touches the scar on my brow. "Will found me, got me to the hospital, but it was too late. There was no heartbeat."
"Oh my god, Hailey. That's awful. I'm so sorry."
I take another large gulp of my drink and refill. "After that, I knew I needed to get out. Then the undercover gig fell on my lap. I was on the next flight out."
A heavy silence falls, broken now and again by the sound of our glasses clicking against the island top. Finally, Kim clears her throat gently and asks, "Have you talked to anyone about this?"
"Besides you? No."
"Hailey—"
"I know," I cut in. "It's just…hard."
Kim sighs. "After tonight, it's safe to assume you haven't talked to Jay either."
"No," I shake my head.
"Hailey, you need to talk to him."
I run a hand through my hair. "I don't know that I can."
"You need to find a way. Otherwise, neither of you can move on. Do you want to have this hanging over your head forever?"
I groan inwardly, resting my head in my hands.
"This won't go away, Hailey," she adds softly. "Rip it off. Like a Band-Aid."
This is an expression I have really come to dislike because ripping any bandages off, in this case, will certainly remove several layers of skin in the process.
"I'm scared…" I voice my fear. "I'm scared I won't come back from it, that I will lose control."
"Hailey, you made through the worst of it." She shrugs. "And this time, you're not alone."
Kim offers me a sympathetic smile.
"Thank you," I say.
Kim is right. I've been running away for far too long. But I'm afraid if I open Pandora's box, I won't be able to handle it. I'm afraid of what I might see. Feel. I know it will be like opening wounds covered by scabs. But underneath those scabs, it is still very raw and very much an unhealed wound.
Thank you for reading. Let me know what you think. Can Hailey and Jay find their way back to one another? Next week, Jay will try to clear the air, but will discover a few truths he was not expecting to learn. Cheers, D.