Happy Wednesday. I'm getting so excited for the new season of CPD, specially with all the BTS nuggets we've been getting lately. But I'm also anxious about how they will resolve the Upstead cliffhanger. How are you guys holding up?

This chapter is rated [M].

Hailey

Jay is back in the bullpen, albeit on strict desk duty, but he is back. We've grown closer in the last couple of weeks, to the point that it's becoming increasingly difficult for me to keep my distance from him. We are taking things slow, even though it is so easy to slip back into the comfort of his arms, deepening the kiss, and let it take us where our hunger leads. I suppose his injury has helped us tap the breaks. When the kissing becomes too intense, his ribs protest, indicating that it is time to pull back.

I'd forgotten how nice it feels to have someone to lean on, someone who has your back. But my sense of excitement at having him back in my life is mixed with underlying anxiety, partially due to a gnawing sense that I won't be enough for him – at least not this still broken version of myself.

Work has also kept our minds busy. We caught a drug case, and there have been several long days and nights. And if I didn't have enough on my plate, my mom has been insisting I come over for dinner. I've been using work as an excuse, but I'm not sure how long that will stick. For this reason, I've been sitting in the break room, nursing a coffee mug while staring at my phone. I've spent the last hour trying to come up with a new reason, but I'm at a loss.

"Everything okay?" Jay asks as he walks over to the coffee pot to pour himself a cup.

I look and see him smiling, his eyes full of concern.

"It's nothing."

"Hmm. I'm not sure I believed that."

I sigh and run my hands through my hair. "My mom has been begging me to come over for dinner, and I Just… I don't know…"

He leans back against the counter and gazes at me for a moment before asking, "How long has it been since you last saw your parents?"

"I saw my mom at the hospital after dad's heart attack, but I haven't seen him in…years."

Jay nods his head slowly, digesting my response with a sip of coffee. "What's the worst that could happen? He can't hurt you, Hailey."

I open my mouth and let the air fill my cheeks, puffing them out. "I don't know."

"Maybe you should bring this up to Dr. Charles," Jay suggests. "He might be able to assist you in navigating that."

"Yeah, maybe." I nod, groaning. "Would you come with me?"

The words slip lazily from between my lips before my brain could adequately think through them. Instead of backpaddling, I let the request float between us. It would be nice to have him there.

Jay looks mildly surprised but veils it behind a tight smile. He takes a few steps and joins me at the table.

"Of course. I'll take every opportunity to eat your mom's cooking. Will she make loukoumades?"

I smile. "I can make that a condition if you agree to come."

"Deal," he says, a boyish grin suddenly appearing on his face. Then it's gone replaced by a sheepish expression. "So, does this mean you're my girlfriend now since you're inviting me to dinner with your parents?"

I shrug, trying to stifle the smile that is threatening to swallow my face. "Well, if you play your car–"

"Hey," Ruzek cuts in, popping his head into the break room. "Voight's wants us to drop an anchor at the stash house."

I turn my gaze to Ruzek. "Okay. I will be right there."

Ruzek lingers by the door for a moment before clearing his throat and asking, "You alright, man?"

"All good," Jay says. "Just bored out of my mind."

Ruzek chuckles. "You'll be out in the field soon enough."

Jay gives him a small nod. "Yeah, yeah."

Ruzek looks at us for a moment, as though he is going to say something more, but only adds, "Alright, see you at the rollout."

He leaves and I get up, but Jay grabs my arm.

"Hold on…"

I turn to him and see a spark of mischief in his eyes, and it's playful and adorable. "Yes?"

"Since you're my girlfriend and all—"

"Oh, I am?"

Instead of answering me, he reaches out and takes my hand, entwining my fingers with his. "You think we can do boyfriend and girlfriend things now?"

Rolling my eyes, I laugh. "And what exactly would that entail?"

"Obviously dinner with your parents," he states matter-of-factly. "But also other things…"

I want to smile, but that would be feeding his playfulness. And I shouldn't do that, no matter how elating it is to bounce off his banter.

"Second base not enough?"

"Don't get me wrong, I love second base," he says. "But since I'm feeling better…" he waggles his eyebrows, flashing me his signature smile.

I can't help but laugh.

"I have to go."

He groans. "Take me with you."

"You would rather be in a surveillance van with Ruzek than here?"

He raises his eyebrows, pouting a little. "Yes?"

I smile. "Your desk duty days will be over before you know it."

He releases a low, frustrated groan. "Not soon enough."

"Hang in there," I say, patting his shoulder.

"Let me know when I should save some space for dinner," he calls out, letting me go with a smile, that is both sweet and tempting.

"I will."

I leave the break room and I can't help it—my face warps into a mad smile.

x

At the end of the day, I'm exhausted, but not yet ready to head home. My body is humming with nervous, restless energy, and I can't pinpoint the cause. Maybe it's this grueling case, maybe is the idea of having dinner with my parents, or maybe it's the fact that Jay and I are still navigating through the murky waters of a new relationship. Whatever it is, it's causing me to feel slightly off-kilter.

Things aren't necessarily bad in my head, but I feel slightly agitated, like nothing I am doing or am about to do is quite right or satisfying. It's like my wheels are spinning, but they have not yet grabbed hold of the solid ground.

"Ready to go?" Jay asks while he slips his arms into his jacket.

"Actually, I don't want to go home just yet," I say, putting on my own jacket. "Sort of need to clear my head a bit."

Jay frowns at me, the small crease line between his brows visible. "Long day?"

"Yeah."

"How about we to go people watch?" he asks, and my smile is instant. People-watching is one of my favorite things. "There's a park near your apartment," he adds. "It's only a few minutes from the river walk. Wanna go?"

I nod.

"Alright, let's go."

The sky has turned gray and overcast by the time we walk to the park. A cool breeze blows and the smell of rain hangs in the air. We walk in silence, veering off the paved path and through the grass. Jay's shoulders brush against mine. Then I feel his hand. His fingers graze against my own casually at first, as though by accident – then slowly entwine round mine.

After a few minutes, he nudges me with his elbow and treks towards a bench. We take a seat and look out at the people walking along the water. Although it seems like it's going to pour soon, kids are still playing, people are jogging, walking dogs, hanging by the water. I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket, but I ignore it. It's probably my mom again. I know Jay notices, but he doesn't mention it.

We are silent for a few minutes. Then, Jay says, "So what do you think of those two over there?"

He points to two teenagers, a couple, standing by the water. Both are fresh-faced and young, with features seemingly drawn in bold, angular lines. The boy has unshaven whiskers on his face but not a full beard, his long, unruly hair is closer to black than brown.

"Umm," I think for a moment, watching the young girl clearly flirt with the boy. "He is definitely a musician and she's one of his groupies."

Jay chuckles. "They look seventeen."

"What? You think that's impossible?"

"Yeah," he says. "Look, they played hooky today and told their parents they were studying at a friend's house. Did his long hair throw you off?"

"No, he's got that dark, musician vibe, and the way she is touching him…" I shake my head. "She's trying to be playful, but it's obvious she's into him."

"They are both into each other, but he's definitely not in a band."

"Okay, agree to disagree," I say.

Jay chuckles and looks around. "How about him?" he says, pointing to an older gentleman walking his dog.

I watch him for a few minutes. He's in his late sixties. Kakis, button-down, with a slow, leisurely gait.

"Widowed. From Edgewater. Has a waterfront apartment. His dog has a better diet than me."

Jay laughs. "Alright. I agree. But…" he pauses, looking at me, an easy smile on his lips. "He doesn't live in Edgewater. He lives in the south loop. His grown kids visit every holiday."

"Oh, I like that."

We fall silent for a moment, but I don't miss the fact that he keeps stealing glances at me with a small smile touching his lips. I think he is trying to gauge my mood. Or maybe he's just cataloging the expression on my face so he can act accordingly.

"Over there," he says, motioning his chin in the direction of a couple with two small kids. One of the kids is a little girl, wearing a frilly, sparkly tulle outfit.

"What's your take?" I ask.

Jay rubs his jaw, and it is obvious that he is thinking an elaborate story here. "Been married for almost a decade. I think they are happy. Tired. They probably haven't slept in years."

I chuckle.

"That could've been us." The words go right by the stop sign in my brain and out my mouth before I can rein them back in. Jesus, why does this keeps happening?

I wince and risk a look at Jay, but his expression is one of unaffected nonchalance. I watch him move his head from side to side as though he is considering it. "The little girl seems to be about five-ish, the other kid about three," he says as if he were thinking out loud. "I guess I can see that." Leaning to the side, he playfully bumps his shoulder into mine. "I hope you are not including his beer gut, though."

"I'm not."

"Good."

Before long, I notice the sounds from the park have faded away and it's now just the two of us, probably because the sky is completely gray with rain clouds.

"Do you think about her a lot?" he asks gently, his voice hesitant.

I could play dumb here and avoid answering, but I know he'd catch on.

"Yeah," I answer honestly. "I think about her every day. You?"

He sighs, then looks down at his hands as he begins talking. "For some reason, the idea of a baby never materialized in my head until you told me about her. Everything was sort of nebulous in my head. I did think about the what-ifs – that, I thought about every day." He looks up from his hands, turning his eyes to me. "But now that I know, I do imagine what she'd look like. What she would be doing now… Probably wearing that pink frock thing."

I laugh, finding a moment's humor in his choice of words.

Then his face grows serious. "Hailey, I know we can never replace her. But we can still be them," he says, carefully.

A smile touches the corners of his mouth and my heart beats hard inside my chest. I turn my gaze to the water, mulling over his words in the ensuing silence. There are uncertainties. I feel them gliding up like wraiths through my consciousness, but the shock isn't there. There is only one thing that stands out in my mind. One thing that fights its way up from the depth of my twisted thoughts.

I inhale a ragged breath, shaking my head to try to deny the tears that pressed at the back of my eyes.

"Hailey, what is it?"

"What if it happens again? What if I lose the baby, what if—" I choke on the words and have to swallow hard to get them out. "What if we can't be them?"

"Hailey, I'm not worried about that." He reaches for my hand and gives it a squeeze. "You are more than enough for me."

He offers the declaration simply, and when I look in his eyes I lose myself in the sincerity of their depths. I know Jay loves me wholeheartedly, and to be the sole recipient of his affection is humbling. He is the same guy I fell in love with all those years ago. But somehow, I'm falling deeper in love with him.

"And if we feel ready to start a family," he adds. "We can revisit this conversation. Until then, I'm just happy I get to have you all to myself."

The tears I'd been fighting fall all the faster. He draws me to him, cradling my head below his chin so that my tears dampen the collar of his shirt. We sit there for some time, giving and taking comfort, and absorbing each other's warmth as the wind whips around us with the first signs of the rain.

"We better go," he says, as cool drops begin falling on us.

I nod and he takes my hand in his as we trek back towards my apartment. Eventually, the raindrops get bigger and closer together and the light sprinkle turns into a steady downpour. It is a full-out storm by the time we get back. The sky fills with bright flashes of light and intense roars.

We run inside my apartment lobby dripping wet, leaving small puddles on the floor.

"You are soaked," he chuckles, running his hand over my rain-soaked arms.

"You too."

"You should go inside and get warm before you catch a cold," he says. "I'll see you tomorrow?"

The thought of him leaving makes my heart ache. "You're not thinking of driving in this rain, are you?"

"It's okay. I've driven through worse."

I grab his hand then, both his hands, and pull him close, and he leans his forehead down against mine as I swallow him in a wet hug. "Stay," I whisper.

He pulls back slightly and a small smile plays over his lips, and there is a mixture of wonder and a spark in his eyes that warms me as if he's glided a hand over my bare skin.

No more words are needed between us.

He simply stands there, watching me, waiting for me to make the next move.

I tug at his hand and we go up to my apartment. Once inside, without missing a beat, he kisses me.

Just an eager swoop in the direction of my mouth, which I am already waiting and wanting. It begins softly at first, the taste of the rains mingled on our lips, then more demanding as we both crave and welcome the familiarity that our time apart hasn't erased.

This kiss becomes a conversation, a confession, a collision of two souls torn apart for far too long. I can't resist and I pour myself into him, deeper and stronger with each touch of our lips. My hands run through his wet hair, down his back, them fumbling with each button on his soaked shirt, wanting nothing but to feel once again the warmth of his skin against mine.

I swore we'd take this slow, but there's no logic to these emotions. It really doesn't make sense. We are both just grabbing this – grabbing at the taste of each other, the heat, the memories, the melting pleasure, the pure connection, the utter importance of love and touch.

His love.

His touch.

"Hailey…" Jay stops the kiss. Lips still pressed to mine, he stares into my eyes, a question in them. "You sure about this?"

The expression of love on his face is so pure and true, it melts my heart. Just like it always had and always will. I press my palm to his chest and discover his heart beating as wildly as my own.

"I'm sure."

His lips are on mine again. We're all tongues, teeth, and deep moans. There is nothing finessed about this kiss. This is happening out of pure need. I slide mine up against his chest, needing the touch and texture of his skin – the intimacy of it, and the familiarity on him. He then buries his face on my neck and kisses the sensitive skin just behind my ear, holding me always.

Being in Jay's arms feels familiar and bittersweet, flavored with memories, and makes me feel safe and loved. These are the hands that have held me close, slipped across my skin, and taken my breath away. The only other pair of hands that felt our baby kick.

"We do things differently from now on." I touch his face and he places a hand over mine so lovingly.

"You lead, I follow," he whispers. "Hailey, I'm yours. Completely. The good. The bad. All of it."

Heat makes its way through my body at his words. Not heat – fire. We kiss again and he guides me backward, towards my room, stopping just as the back of my legs hit the mattress. As if waiting for a signal to continue, I wrap my arms around his neck and I pull him down to the bed with me. The rest of our drenched clothes nearly melt off our bodies.

Every touch, every caress, has my back arching, my toes curling. I forgot how my body can go from cold to on fire within seconds with him. I forgot how he knows just how to touch me, kiss me, hold me in a way that drives me off the ledge. At this moment I forget about everything else and let myself slide into a sensual haze that only Jay can create.

"I've missed you," he groans, touching me as if he's afraid I'm going to disappear. "I've missed all of you."

He kisses me again, and I feel myself explode as his hand slips between my thighs, stroking it. I break the kiss but only because I suddenly need more air than I'm currently getting. Then his fingers move slowly towards my center, and when he reaches it, I feel the first stirrings of arousal, and I know from memory that it will grow stronger.

Then he begins kissing a path lower down my body, caressing every spot visible to the human eye. I hear him mutter words against my skin, but I'm too high on his touch to hear them.

"Relax, and let me make you feel good."

I finally hear him murmur against me. I unclench muscles that I didn't realize I have been keeping stiff until this very moment.

I lift my head and watch as his lips get closer to my center, making me feel too exposed and unsure. Oh God, it's been so long. So long that I'm a little anxious now. I wasn't this nervous even when it was our first time. Tonight, seems more monumental, somehow.

Naturally, he senses my trepidation. He squeezes my thigh gently, running his hand up and down my leg for a moment.

"It's me, Hailey," he reminds me, sweetly, then brushes his lips intimately against me. The warmth of his breath makes me shiver and my stomach muscles spasm in anticipation. His soft gaze meets mine over the top of my torso. "Okay?"

I give him a jerky nod.

He kisses the inside of my thighs, first one, then the other, and everything in me focus on the sensations emanating from there. Then his hands wrap underneath my thighs and he begins to taste me. He does so with maddening slowness, licking, and sucking until my nails bite into his scalp until my hips arch against him. Even the brush of his short hair and the prickle of his stubble against me are thrilling right now.

Jay arouses me thoroughly, completely, expertly. He licks, he explores, trying different things, judging his progress by the sounds I make, and how much I writhe. I can feel tiny chill bumps on my arms and legs and then my body begins to tremble. He keeps pleasing me until I feel like I'm a mass of tingles. I come and nearly explode into a thousand pieces of myself in utter euphoria. I moan his name and he just growls into me as he licks every drop of moist heat from me.

Slowly he moves back up my body with little, tender kisses. Then he wraps me in his arms and I kiss him, gently teasing his tongue, then placing little kisses over his jawline, his short stubble tickling my nose. I move to his ear and nip the tender flesh there.

"That was wonderful," I breathe the words.

"You are wonderful," his voice comes off deeper, tender.

My cheeks, already pink from pleasure, go positively red under his watchful eyes.

He pulls back slightly and I see his hair is mussed from my hands, his eyes wide and shining with lust. He doesn't ask or wait this time. His elbows fall on either side of my head, knees touching mine, and he slowly slides into me, making himself at home within my body. His hands wrap around me gently and when he's fully inside, his forehead rest against my own.

"You good?"

"Yes."

We begin moving slowly and his hands curl around my hips, gripping me tightly. But he doesn't guide. He lets me have all the control. The juxtaposition of the rough and the gentle leaves my mind not knowing how to react. It doesn't take long for me to feel myself tighten around him, eliciting groans from him. I start to move faster and my muscles start to ache, but in the best way. My pulse feels like it's vibrating against my skin.

I've missed him too.

All of him.

I'd forgotten how magic we are together. Sweet, soft, hot, and hard.

He switches our positions. He's beneath me, and I'm above him, so my palms lay flat against the wall of his chest.

He is a vision.

Our rhythm picks up the pace then. The bed squeaks. Sweat coats our skin. Jay looks at me and I see all his feelings, exposed and out for me, and only me to see.

We climax together, as the waves of all-consuming pleasure rip through us in a grinding, moaning, kissing mess. It is almost too intense for me to bear, so I collapse on top of him. My forehead rests against his shoulder. His chest heaves. We stay like that until our heartbeats slow down.

I don't know what to say. I'm speechless. I move off him, but he quickly reaches for me.

"Come here," he says.

The soft timbre of his voice has my lips splitting into a smile. He wraps his arms around me, holding me tightly against him. His eyes are otherworldly, his cheeks flushed from exertion but the look on his face is of sheer pleasure, awed, his head shaking mildly as if not believing how good it was.

I've been with other guys since Jay. But with him, everything aligns perfectly. Nothing has been so intense, so all-consuming, so warming, and yet so terrifying, all at the same time. The world stops turning on its axis, time slows, and I'm not only giving him a piece of myself, but I'm also gaining something in return – instead of taking everything, he hands me the world.

That's how I will always feel with Jay.

The thunder and lightning continue to pummel the outside world, but he holds me and I know I'm safe.

Thank you for reading! Reviews/comments are always welcome and appreciated. Next week Hailey & Jay will have dinner with Hailey's parents.