Chapter 9: This Is Me

Gemma sat in the corridor outside Professor McGonagall's office, her leg shaking up and down. It was the first of March which meant it was Career's Day. It was the day Gemma and her fellow sixth year students were required to sit in a room with their Head of House and discuss career options. Career plans. Gemma wondered why she felt nervous. She knew what she wanted to do.

McGonagall stepped out of her room, her stern expression landing on Gemma. "Miss Arwin." McGonagall promptly turned and headed back into her classroom. Gemma took a deep breath. That was why she was nervous. McGonagall terrified her.

Gemma stood, threw a quick smile towards Alice who had been sat with her, and walked into the room.

"Close the door behind you." McGonagall said, not looking up from the parchment in front of her. "Take a seat."

Gemma shut the door and headed towards the lone seat opposite McGonagall's large desk. She sat down and waited. Then waited some more.

Finally McGonagall looked up and spoke. "So, you are considering becoming an Auror?"

Gemma nodded. "Yes, Professor. Although I'm not just considering it. I'm going to apply for the programme as soon as I can in November."

"You know they only accept the best."

Gemma hesitated; was McGonagall implying she wasn't capable? Gemma pushed that aside. "I know. And I am the best. I get Outstanding or Exceeds Expectations in all relevant subjects. And in subjects the Auror Office doesn't focus on."

"Yes, you do get good grades. But it takes more than turning up to class and getting a few spells right to make a good Auror."

Gemma frowned, surprised and frustrated by McGonagall's tone. "Well, I'm passionate about it as well. I want to become an Auror because I want to make the world a better place. A safer place."

"Many people want something, Miss Arwin. That doesn't mean they get it."

Gemma's frustration grew. "Are you saying I'm not good enough to become an Auror?" McGonagall simply raised her eyebrow, not answering. Gemma continued. "Because I am. I'm a good witch, Professor. Yes, I work hard and I get good grades, but I also stand up for people who have been wronged. I stand up for what is right and I don't let bullies win. I'm a strong witch, and I can duel anyone in my year, and anyone in the year above me." Gemma could hear her voice grow louder, but she couldn't stop herself. "Or have you forgotten what happened to me a couple of weeks ago? Have you forgotten that I was attacked because I defend innocent people against Slytherin's on a power trip? Have you forgotten that it was three against one? I never gave up. I fought back, they retreated, and I'd do it all again tomorrow if it meant people like Mulciber were no longer a threat."

Gemma breathed hard and stared at the stern expression in front of her. Merlin, had she gone too far?

McGonagall's mouth twitched ever so slightly. Was that a smile? "A good Auror fights for what she believes in." McGonagall looked down at the parchment in front of her, picked up her quill, and ticked something. Then she looked back up. "The Ministry will be fortunate to have you on their side, Miss Arwin. You may go."

And with that, Gemma was dismissed. Feeling confused over whether the discussion had gone well or not, she stood and left the room.

"How was it?" Alice asked, as Gemma sat back down in the seat opposite McGonagall's office. "You weren't in there very long."

"I think it went ok. I think she was testing me."

Alice stared at her. "And? Did you pass the test?"

Gemma shrugged and turned to her best friend. "I think so."

"Merlin, I'm nervous now."

"Don't be, Alice. Just be confident about what you want. I think that's what McGonagall's looking for. For us to be clear on our future, clear on what we're going to do when we leave here." Alice nodded in response, and Gemma smiled. "I suspect she secretly likes us all and doesn't want us to fail in life."

Alice laughed. "Frank said that to me this morning. But he's always had a soft spot for McGonagall."

Mary and Lily arrived at that moment and Gemma quickly filled them in on her session. Then her three friends started talking about something Peter had said, and Gemma found herself distracted by her thoughts.

It had been a couple of weeks since Mulciber had attacked her and gotten expelled. Not many people seemed to care. Gemma hadn't seen much of Avery or Lestrange either, which she was grateful for. It seemed they were well and truly locked up under Slughorn's watchful eye.

It had also been a couple of weeks since Ivan had first kissed her. And now they were… dating. Gemma frowned. That word was far too formal. They had continued to hang out and he had kissed her a few more times. But despite Ivan telling her that he wanted to kiss her every time he saw her, he never did. He didn't walk into a room, see her and decide he had to have her. He didn't steal her from her friends or her studies, simply because he couldn't wait another moment to touch her and taste her.

Gemma sighed. She'd been reading Mary's book and it had certainly given her ideas. Ideas of a man taking charge. Ideas of a man who didn't care where he was or who was around; he would grab his woman and show her exactly how he felt. He would hold her tight, kiss her hard and no one would question that she was his. And she would feel wanted, desired. She would feel powerful and in control, even as she submitted to him.

Gemma shook herself. This was not the right time to be thinking about the new fantasies that had crept into her mind over the last couple of weeks. Ever since she had read that damn book. No; Gemma needed to think about what she was going to do about Ivan.

Because it was not going well. Yes, he was nice; but he was nice to everyone. And he not only asked politely if he could kiss her, but he actually kissed her politely too. It was… boring. Everything with Ivan had gone from nice to boring and Gemma was fed up. She needed to end it – whatever it was – soon.

Movement caught Gemma's eye and she looked up to see Katie Travell and her friends walking down the corridor. Gemma doubted they were here by coincidence. Katie led the way, straight to where Sirius was chatting with James, Remus and Peter. Gemma tried not to watch, but she was intrigued.

Rumour was that Sirius and Katie had kissed and were now unable to keep their hands off each other. Gemma had heard stories about them having sex in closets, in classrooms, even in the girls' bathroom. Gemma wasn't sure what to believe though; she spent a lot of time with Sirius and Katie was never around.

However, for the few days that had followed her attack, things between her and Sirius had felt different. He'd been distant with her and she had wondered if he was distracted by thoughts of Katie. Gradually things had returned to normal – aided by some particularly humourous lessons where Peter had set fire to Remus's hair and Mary had lost a duel with a frog – but Sirius still seemed distracted.

Gemma watched as Katie placed her hand on Sirius's shoulder, then his chest. Sirius frowned, but placed his hand over her hand anyway. Gemma looked away. Whatever was going on between those two was their business.

At that moment, McGonagall opened her door and looked down the corridor. "Mr Black."

Relieved to have an escape route, Sirius stepped away from Katie and headed towards Professor McGonagall. He sighed. He was simply moving from one lioness to another.

The memory of Katie's hand on his chest before he had shoved it away still lingered and he held back a shudder. Why had he been so stupid a couple of weeks ago and chosen her to kiss? He should have known it would backfire. But he had been in need of something – anything – and she had been nearby.

He'd been feeling so angry about the attack on Gemma, so desperate to tear Mulciber and Avery and Lestrange apart. Then he had seen Ivan – perfect Ivan – kissing Gemma and it had bothered him. He still didn't know why. She could do whatever she wanted. She'd probably kissed loads of guys before Ivan and he'd never noticed or cared.

"Are you still with me, Mr Black?"

McGonagall stared at him with her usual stern and unimpressed expression. No doubt she had seen his distraction. "Yes, Professor."

He followed her into the room and took the seat opposite her desk. It was a seat he was familiar with. Many times over the years he had been called in to her office, ready to hear all the reasons why he was such a disappointment.

"So, Mr Black, have you given much thought to your career options when you leave Hogwarts?"

Sirius sat back and decided to be honest. "No."

McGonagall raised an eyebrow at him. "I see. Well, there are plenty of options we can discuss. The Ministry offers many career opportunities. You might be interested in the Department of Magical Games and Sports, or perhaps the Department of International Cooperation. Both offer…"

McGonagall kept talking, but Sirius stopped listening. He didn't want to work for The Ministry. He didn't want to end up in an office job that left him bored out of his mind. Even though some of the departments did sound interesting, the Ministry was the government for the wizarding world and Sirius was not government material. He was not straight-laced enough.

"Does that interest you, Mr Black?"

Sirius realised McGonagall had stopped talking. He forced a smile and nodded. "Maybe."

She frowned at him. "There is also the teaching career, however I suspect that wouldn't fit your particular personality." Sirius held back a laugh. She was right there. No chance was he dealing with snivelling kids all day. "And I don't suppose you'd be interested in becoming a Healer."

No chance. Sirius shook his head. "To be honest, Professor, when I leave Hogwarts, I don't want to do anything. Not immediately, anyway. I want to travel. See the world. Live free for a while."

"And you have the funds to achieve this 'free' lifestyle, do you?"

Sirius shifted uncomfortably. He hated discussing this. It was his life, his choice. If he wanted to disappear and see the world then he could do so without anyone questioning him. "I'll make do. I don't need much. Never had."

"I see." McGonagall looked down at the parchment resting on her desk and sighed. "You're a talented wizard, Mr Black. You score highest in class, even though I know you only give half your attention. You could be very successful if you applied yourself." She paused for a moment, then continued. "You were honest with me, so I'm going to be honest with you. It would be a shame to see your talent wasted on meaningless flights of fancy. I would question your integrity as a Gryffindor if you did not push yourself to make the wizarding world a better place, even in some small way. In truth, Mr Black, I suspect you intend to run away in the hopes you never have to take any real responsibility."

Sirius reeled back from McGonagall's words. He felt like he'd been punched. And he hated that some of it was true. He did want to run away; but only because of he was sick of feeling trapped. Feeling like everyone was watching him; judging him; waiting for him to fail. His family, his teachers, other students. Maybe even his friends. "Are we done here, Professor?"

McGonagall took a deep breath, then nodded. "Yes."

Sirius stood up and left. He didn't look at anyone in the corridor; he just walked away. He needed to escape. He needed to breathe. As he climbed the stairs to the Astronomy Tower he sensed someone behind him. No doubt James had followed.

He got to the top, leaned against the railing, and waited for James. Instead, the soft scent of oranges and vanilla teased his nose. Sirius hung his head. Crap.

Gemma took a tentative step towards Sirius as he hung his head and closed his eyes.

She had still been sitting with Alice when the door to McGonagall's office had opened and Sirius had stepped out. He'd been angry and Gemma had watched as he'd turned and walked away. James, Remus and Peter had been distracted talking to Lily, so Gemma had made the quick decision to follow him. He hadn't noticed her. She wondered now if maybe she had made a mistake. Maybe he wanted to be alone.

"I know you're there, Gemma."

She froze. "Sorry, Sirius. I could see you were upset and I wanted to make sure you were ok. I can leave if you want to be alone."

After a moment's pause, Sirius spoke. "No, it's ok. Stay." He turned and moved to the middle of the space, then sat down. His long legs stretched out in front of him, and he leaned back on his arms and hands. He quickly tapped the spot next to him. "Sit with me?"

Gemma nodded, then moved over and sat next to him. She was wearing her skirt, so she sat with her legs bent and to one side, away from Sirius. After a few more moments of silence, Gemma spoke. "I'm guessing your talk with McGonagall didn't go well."

Sirius laughed without humour. "You could say that. She thinks I'm a disappointment for not having my whole life laid out." Sirius shook his head, clearly upset and angry. "Who cares if I don't want a boring office job where all I do all day is boring paperwork? McGonagall would probably expect me to go home to my boring life with my boring wife and boring kids."

Gemma hesitated before replying. "I think McGonagall just wants us all to be ok…but…" Gemma raised her hand as Sirius started to respond. "…I don't think she realises what you need. That right now, you just need to escape."

Sirius frowned, but nodded. "I do."

"And that's ok. You don't have to make any decisions today. Or tomorrow. We're not leaving school for another year, and even then; do whatever the hell you want to do." Gemma sighed. "We're in the middle of a war. People are dying every day. Someone should be out there living, too."

Sirius smiled at her. "What about you? Are you going to live before you become an Auror?"

Gemma smiled back. "Becoming an Auror is me living." Sirius frowned again, but turned back to look out over the sky. Gemma did the same. It was a nice view. Lovely, actually. She'd never been to the top of the tower outside of class. "It's beautiful up here."

"It is."

"Do you come here often?"

Sirius laughed loudly and Gemma enjoyed the sound. "That sounds like a bad pick up line, Gem."

Gemma chuckled slightly. "Well, I can assure you it isn't."

"Of course. Those are reserved for Ivan, right?" Gemma thought she heard an edge to Sirius's voice, but his expression was neutral. She bit her lip, uncertain about how to respond. Sirius noticed. "What is it?"

"Nothing. It's just… Ivan and I aren't really a thing."

"You're not?"

"No. Well, not anymore. I don't know if we ever were." Gemma knew she was stumbling over her words, and it didn't help that she hadn't actually spoken to Ivan yet. "I don't want to continue seeing him, but I haven't told him yet. So please don't say anything."

"I won't. Why are you ending it?"

"I just don't think we're a good fit."

Sirius scoffed. "You're well behaved study-hard students, you come from families that actually give a shit and you both have your entire futures planned out. You sound perfect for each other."

Gemma frowned, frustrated at Sirius's statement. "Well, none of those things actually matter, do they?"

"Don't they?"

"No. Of course not. What matters is that you enjoy being with the person."

Sirius paused. "I suppose. So does that mean you don't enjoy his company?"

Gemma wasn't sure how much to reveal. But Sirius was a friend, and she could trust him. "I do enjoy his company, but not enough to want more than friendship." Gemma turned to look out at the sky. "The truth is, before Ivan, I had never been kissed. So, when he asked me to kiss him, I agreed and it had been… well, it had been nice. Good, even. But over the last couple of weeks, all he's done is ask me politely if he can kiss me, then kiss me politely." Gemma looked down as she realised how amorous she sounded. "It's… boring."

Sirius laughed. "Sounds it. Look, if you guys don't click, you don't click. Just tell him that and move on."

Gemma sighed but nodded. "I know. I will." She paused before continuing. "What's happening with you and Katie Travell?"

Sirius frowned. Never had he regretted kissing someone more. He had known of her reputation though, had known she was a ball-buster. Literally. Sirius shuddered again.

Kissing Katie had been fun – at first. She'd allowed him liberties that other girls hadn't and he'd enjoyed touching her. She had a nice figure. But then she had wanted him to stop touching her so she could touch him. She had wanted him to put his hands above his head and let her explore. She had wanted him to submit to her requests – her demands – and that was never, ever, going to happen.

Sirius might not have much experience going all the way, but he knew for damn sure that he wanted to be the one calling the shots. And as soon as Katie had pushed his hands away, grabbed his cock and squeezed tightly, he'd known he was done.

"Nothing."

"Oh." Gemma sounded surprised. "I thought I'd heard you two were… you know."

He smiled at her. "'You know'? Is that your term for 'having sex'?" Sirius had heard the rumours, no doubt started by Katie herself. Apparently she had dragged him into the girls' bathroom and had her wicked way with him.

He stared at Gemma, enjoying the sight of a blush creeping over her cheeks. Damn she was innocent. Understandably if Ivan had been her first ever kiss. And by the sounds of it, the idiot hadn't done a good job of showing her just how fun kissing could be.

She sighed. "Fine. I'd heard you two were having sex. Happy now?"

Sirius laughed. He enjoyed winding her up, and hearing the word 'sex' from her lips was strangely intoxicating. For some reason he wanted to hear her say other words. "Very. But to answer your question, nothing is happening between Katie and I and we didn't have sex. We kissed once; that was all."

Gemma made a cute snorting sound. "Does she know that? Because I've heard plenty of rumours that say otherwise."

Sirius sighed. Usually he didn't mind the rumours, but right now he hated them. "I think she got it into her head that more could have happened between us, but I wasn't interested. My plan is to ignore her until she eventually goes away." He paused. "Don't believe everything you hear, Gem. I promise most of it isn't true."

Gemma smiled at him. "I believe you."

Sirius turned back to look out of the tower. He was glad that Gemma believed him. Her opinion mattered to him and he didn't want her thinking he was sleeping with every girl at school. He didn't even want her thinking he was kissing every girl at school. The weight of his poor reputation weighed heavily on him and he was tempted to just tell her everything. To make sure she knew what he was really like.

She interrupted his thoughts. "You never answered my original question. Do you come up here often?"

Sirius smiled and nodded. "I do." He paused before continuing. "I always come up here when I need to escape. When things down there get a bit... too much. I like the quiet. I can imagine for a moment that I'm the only person in the world." Silence filled the space but Sirius knew Gemma was listening. He kept talking. "I first came up here in second year, after Regulus got sorted into Slytherin. He had pulled me aside to tell me that at least one of us would make our mother proud. I was so angry, I just walked away and found myself here." He shrugged. "Ever since then, whenever Regulus pisses me off or someone else says something that annoys me, or even when class gets a bit much; I come up here."

He looked at Gemma, who nodded. "I understand. I don't have a place like this, but the last time we were at Hogsmeade I wandered off into the forest just so I could sit in peace and enjoy the snow. Something calming about it."

Sirius smiled, remembering. He'd been with Gemma that day, but she hadn't known it. "Remember that afternoon in January when I asked you to meet me at midnight? The day Mulciber pushed you against the wall?" Gemma nodded. "I wanted to bring you up here. You seemed so stressed and I just wanted you to relax. I thought maybe an hour sat staring at the stars would help you feel better."

He smiled at Gemma and saw an odd expression of wonder and confusion on her face. For a while she said nothing, until eventually she replied. "Thank you."

Gemma felt humbled that Sirius had wanted to share this place with her. And less guilty about interrupting him now. Even if he had asked her to stay at the start of their conversation.

Her mind travelled over the last couple of months as she looked out and watched the clouds slowly pass them by. It was really peaceful. She would definitely need to return, possibly at night. She imagined it would be beautiful at night.

As her thoughts once again returned to Mulciber, another thought entered her head. She turned to Sirius. "How did you find me? That day Mulciber locked me in the old classroom. How did you find me?"

Sirius chuckled. "I've been waiting for you to remember that. I had started to think you'd forgotten. Or you didn't care."

"I guess I had forgotten. I've spent so much of my time thinking back over the start of the attack - the signs that it was a set up, whether I could have done more to escape Mulciber and Avery - I guess I forgot about the end. In truth, it was all a bit of a blur."

"You had lost a lot of blood."

Gemma nodded. "So, how did you find me?"

Sirius started to smirk. "I'll tell you, but you need to keep it a secret."

"Of course."

Sirius seemed to hesitate, then he pulled out a piece of parchment. Gemma frowned, but kept quiet. She watched Sirius take a deep breath, glance her way a couple of times, then pull out his wand. He held the parchment up, then tapped his wand against it. "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good."

Gemma frowned harder. What was he doing? She looked at the parchment; it hadn't moved or changed or... Gemma froze. She watched as black lines appeared over the back of the parchment, creating squares and rectangles. Sirius placed the parchment down in front of her and she watched, mesmerised, as the lines became clearer. The squares and rectangles became recognisable. She was staring at a map of Hogwarts.

"Is that..." Gemma paused as tiny footsteps began to appear across the map. Some frozen in place, some moving around. Gemma frowned as she caught sight of her own name, written next to 'Sirius Black' and dotted inside the Astronomy Tower. "It's a map. A map of Hogwarts. And we're on the map." Gemma stared at other names. McGonagall inside her office with Remus. Alice pacing up and down the corridor. Gemma looked up at Sirius. "Where the hell did you get this?"

Sirius hesitated. "Well... we made it. Me, James, Remus and Peter."

Of all the responses Gemma had been expecting - a joke shop, maybe even a dark magic shop - those four making the map was not one of them. "You're winding me up, right? How?"

"I promise you I'm telling the truth. We made it a couple of years ago. Various charms. Lots of trial and error. We're constantly adapting it as we go. But... it came in use when I realised you were in trouble and we needed to find you." Sirius turned the page and revealed the Dungeons. "It shows everything, even hidden passageways and old classrooms."

Gemma stared at the Dungeons on the map, finding the classroom she had been taken to. She could see Slughorn in his office opposite, doing his own Careers Day with his students. She glanced around the area and spotted Lestrange and Bellatrix Black huddled together, their footprints practically on top of each other.

Sirius laughed. "Classy. My cousin getting nailed in the corridor just outside Slughorn's office."

Gemma forced a smile but the memory of Lestrange touching her flooded her mind. She'd been able to push aside that part of the attack, especially as it had paled in comparison to the other attacks, the other injuries, but she still shuddered in revulsion.

Sirius had noticed. "You ok?"

"Yeah. I'm just not a fan of Lestrange."

"I'm not surprised." Sirius flipped the map to other sections of the castle and Gemma could see students and teachers moving around. "So, this is how we found you."

Gemma couldn't tear her eyes away. "This is incredible, Sirius. I'm... amazed. Impressed. This is... wow." She laughed, genuinely lost for words. "Thank you for sharing this with me."

"I've wanted to share it with you for a while, but I promised the guys I would only show you if you asked me about how we found you. I'm glad you finally did."

He grinned and Gemma smiled back. "So the others know you're telling me?"

"They know I'll tell you some day. I'll let them know tonight. And they won't mind; they all trust you."

"Well, thank you for trusting me enough to share this with me." And Gemma meant it. She was honoured to have been included in this secret. And she would keep her promise and not tell a soul.

Sirius nodded, then tapped the parchment again with his wand. "Mischief managed." The map began to fade and Gemma laughed at the incantations to get into and out of the map. It seemed so very them. Sirius tucked the map into his pocket and leaned back on his hands again. "What now?"

Gemma sighed. "Well, I saw Alice pacing back and forth down there, so I think I should go to her. She was nervous and I ditched her to check on you. I want to make sure she's ok before she goes in."

Sirius nodded then stood, holding out a hand for Gemma. "Let's go then. You get to be a good friend and I get to warn James that McGonagall is not messing around."

Gemma took Sirius's hand and allowed him to pull her up. "Sounds like you're also being a good friend then."

Sirius chuckled. "Maybe. But don't tell anyone."

"You're secret is safe with me."

They turned and headed down the stairs, Sirius close behind. Then they returned to the corridor outside McGonagall's office; Gemma went straight to Alice while Sirius headed to James and Peter.