Chapter 14: One Kiss
Sirius was in trouble. Big trouble.
One moment he'd been healing Gemma's cuts and the next he'd been staring at her, wanting nothing more than to kiss her. So he had. Even though he'd known it was wrong; even though he'd known that he was risking their entire friendship; he had done it anyway.
Sirius deepened the kiss. He sucked at her bottom lip and took full advantage of the opening when she gasped in response. He slid his tongue against hers and sensed her hesitancy. He wondered if anyone – well, Ivan – had ever kissed her like this.
Pushing thoughts of anyone else from his mind, he leaned into her and wrapped his hand around her nape to hold her steady for his onslaught. His other hand found her waist – her bare waist – and he ran his palm over soft, smooth skin. He felt her shiver and he hoped it was from excitement.
His cock had stirred to life the moment his lips had touched hers and now he was straining painfully against his jeans. He moved his hand to the small of her back and pulled her towards him as he pressed himself forward.
He could feel every inch of her against him. His cock nestled against her core. Her breasts pressed against his chest. He deepened the kiss further. He'd always enjoyed kissing but nothing had ever been so exciting. He wanted more. Everything.
After a few moments, Sirius realised that Gemma was shifting in his arms. Her hands landed on his naked chest and he waited for her to run them over his pecs, his shoulders, his arms. He wondered if she would venture lower; run her hands down his stomach and tease at the top of his jeans. His cock jumped at the thought.
Instead, Sirius was surprised when Gemma's hands pushed firmly against him. The fog of lust cleared and he realised she was pushing him away. She was trying to stop him. Sirius pulled back immediately.
Gemma's face was flushed, her lips swollen, but Sirius could see the panic in her eyes. Shame washed over him. He'd saved her from an attack not one hour ago and here he was, forcing himself upon her like the horny teenager he was.
He stood quickly and turned away, unable to look at her. Unable to see the hate in her eyes. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that." He grabbed his t-shirt from the side and threw it over his head. It was damp with blood but he didn't care. He needed to leave and give her space. "It'll never happen again."
Not looking at her and ignoring her call of his name, Sirius stormed out of the shack and headed into the woods.
Gemma stared in shock at the door where Sirius had just left through. What had happened?
She wrapped her arms around herself as her body chilled. When Sirius had kissed her, Gemma had been shocked. And a little overwhelmed. He hadn't pressed his lips to hers gently. He hadn't carefully touched her hand with his. No. Sirius had devoured her. Like a man starved for air and she was his only resource.
It had been incredible. Gemma's entire body had felt alive and excited and she had been desperate for more. And that had terrified her. After all, she'd been half naked with him, having only ever been kissed a few times before. And it was Sirius; one of her best friends. Gemma's mind had been tumbling over itself in confusion.
So she had pushed him back, intending to ask him for a moment's pause. Instead, he had stared at her in horror, told her it was a mistake and that it would never happen again.
Gemma's heart had ached at the harsh words. Had kissing her really been so awful? Or was this how he usually treated girls? Kiss them and run away; was she no different to the others who had come before her? Did he really respect her so little that he couldn't even talk to her afterward?
Why had he even kissed her in the first place then?
Gemma picked up her top and looked at it. It had been ripped in a few places, so she mended the biggest holes and put it back on. She needed to leave. Get back to the castle and get on with her weekend. She had some essays to write, an end of year exam to study for, and she wanted to see how Alice's day had been.
Instead, she sat back down on the stool and stared at the wall, her mind torn between remembering the moment of passion in Sirius's arms and the hurt she had felt at his parting words.
Sirius kicked at the ground in front of him. He'd left the shack but he was still nearby. He needed to give Gemma space, but Lestrange and Avery were likely still in the woods and Sirius couldn't risk her being caught alone again. He'd have to wait for her to leave, then discreetly follow her back to the castle.
Hearing footsteps coming from the woods, Sirius turned. Regulus stepped out from between the trees and Sirius tensed. Was his brother alone or with his fellow Slytherins? Were they looking for Gemma?
Regulus paused when he saw him. "Sirius."
"Regulus." Sirius took a deep breath as his brother walked towards him. He wasn't in the mood to get into a fight, but he sensed one was coming. "Do you want something?"
Regulus stopped. "No. I was just passing."
Sirius waved his hand towards the path leading down to the village. "Go ahead."
Regulus smirked. "Trying to get rid of me already. I'm wounded."
Sirius scoffed. "You'll survive." For a moment Sirius thought he saw a glimpse of uncertainty pass over Regulus's features, but it disappeared quickly.
"I suppose I will. After all, I am standing on the right side."
Sirius sighed. "You really believe that, don't you?"
"I do." Regulus glanced down at his left arm. "The Dark Lord believes in the path he has chosen, and I believe in him." He hesitated for a moment. "I'll follow him everywhere."
"Is there really no part of you that can see how wrong you are? Are you really so dark inside?"
"We all have darkness inside us, Sirius." Regulus smiled and tilted his head at him. "Even you." Sirius clenched his teeth. He didn't have the same darkness inside him. He would never follow someone who murdered innocent people. Before he could respond, Regulus continued. "We're not that different, brother. We're cut from the same cloth. I'm just choosing to embrace that side of me. You… are hiding from it."
"We're nothing alike."
"We're everything alike. We're brothers. We're confident; resourceful; loyal. We're arrogant; selfish." Regulus smiled. "You don't want to admit it but we are the same, Sirius. You can dress up in Gryffindor colours all you like, but you will forever be a Black; you will forever be the same as me; and you will forever have that streak of darkness running through you."
Sirius watched as Regulus suddenly turned and walked away. He should call him back. Respond to him. But what could he say? After all, was his brother right? Were they the same? Did Sirius have that darkness inside him? His mind went immediately to Gemma in the shack. Merlin; had that been his dark side rearing its head? His selfishness; taking advantage of her when she was vulnerable. Was he any different to Lestrange?
"Sirius!" He turned to the sound of his name and saw James, Remus and Peter running up the path. James got to him first. "We just saw Regulus but he didn't stop. Are you ok?"
Sirius nodded, but Remus interrupted, holding the map. "Do you know where Gemma is? Two fourth years are in Slughorn's office which means Lestrange and Avery are out today. We couldn't see them at the castle; we think they might be here."
"And Gemma isn't at the pub with the girls." Peter said. "We knew you'd gone to find her but…"
"Gemma's ok." Sirius said, seeing his friends' worry. "She's in the shack." He took a deep breath. "Remus, will you make sure she gets back to the castle safely please?"
Remus frowned but nodded. "Of course. What's happened? Why won't you walk her back?"
"She… she doesn't want to see me right now." Sirius held up a hand as James started to speak. "And she's right not to. I… I fucked up." He turned back to Remus. "Just check on her. Keep her safe. We've already run into Lestrange and Avery once today."
James tensed. "What did they do?"
Sirius looked down and closed his eyes. He was exhausted, angry, confused. He didn't want to talk about any of it. He just wanted to get back to the castle and get up to the Astronomy Tower. He needed to think.
Remus obviously understood as he grabbed Peter and turned. "Come on. Let's check on Gemma."
As they both walked off, Sirius suddenly remembered how he had left her. "Knock first." He shouted after them and they both turned to stare at him. He sensed James staring at him too; he ignored it. "Just knock first."
Remus and Peter nodded then turned back to the shack. Sirius walked off, needing space. James was hot on his heels. "Sirius, what happened between you two?" Sirius ignored him and walked further down the path. Then James grabbed his arm and practically dragged him through some shrubbery to a small, quiet clearing. "What. Happened?"
He sighed. He wouldn't be able to escape talking about it. James was being persistent and that meant he'd never hear the end of it until he admitted the truth.
Sirius started with the attack on Gemma, including his suspicions over what Lestrange had wanted from her. James clenched his fists, but didn't interrupt. Sirius then told him that he had joined the fight as Padfoot. He didn't want to lie about it this time, and it was important James knew the truth. He explained his need to change back, that Gemma already suspected Remus's secret, but that she didn't know about James or Peter being animagi as well.
He then told James about their injuries and how they had healed each other. He took a deep breath. "Then… then I kissed her."
"Fuck." James breathed out quietly, his eyes wide.
"Yeah." Sirius looked down at his hands, ashamed of what had happened next. "And I was so caught up that I didn't even realise she didn't want it. Not until she was pushing me away." He hung his head, Regulus's words echoing around him again. "I'm a monster."
He felt James's hand on his shoulder. "You are not a monster. You made a mistake and you stopped as soon as you realised. A monster wouldn't have done that. A monster would have kept going no matter how many times the girl said 'no'."
Sirius nodded but he wasn't sure he agreed. He should have paid more attention to how Gemma was responding to him. He'd sensed her hesitancy, but he had put it down to inexperience. He'd been too selfish to think beyond his own wants and needs.
"Sirius…" James seemed to hesitate. "Do you… do you like Gemma? Properly like her? Do you want to be with her?"
Sirius shook his head and sighed loudly. "Truthfully, I don't know. I like Gemma as a friend, obviously." He paused. "And I've fancied her for a while. But I don't want a relationship. I just want to have fun and I thought I could have fun with Gemma." Sirius placed his head in his hands. "I've fucked everything up."
James didn't say anything and Sirius wondered if it was because his best friend – his true brother – knew he had fucked up too.
Gemma jumped as a knock sounded on the door. She wondered how long she had been sat there; on the stool in the shack, staring at the wall.
"Gemma." A muffled call came through the door.
Gemma stood and headed over to it. She opened the door to find Remus and Peter standing there. "Hi."
They stepped in to the shack and Remus looked around. "Hey. Are you ok?"
Gemma nodded and walked away, back to the room she'd been sat in. She didn't want to talk.
Remus followed her. "We bumped into Sirius. He said you were here. He wanted to make sure you got back to the castle safely. Lestrange and Avery are about."
Gemma laughed without humour. "Yeah, I'm aware, thanks." Gemma heard her snapping tone and cringed. Remus and Peter had done nothing wrong. She was just in a bad mood. She turned back to them. "Sorry."
"It's ok." Remus smiled at her and Gemma was sure she could see pity on his face. No doubt he had heard that Sirius had kissed her and then immediately regretted it. Because who would want to kiss her? "Do you want to go now or wait a little?"
"I'm fine to go now."
They all left the shack and walked back to the castle together. Remus and Peter carried on a conversation about a muggle film they wanted to watch over the summer, while Gemma trailed behind them.
Her mind tumbled over itself again. Sirius had kissed her and it had been incredible. Mind-blowing. Everything she had ever dreamed about when she had read romance novels and talked to Alice. But obviously it had not been mind-blowing to Sirius. Obviously it had been an error of judgement on his part. And she hated that. She didn't want to be a mistake. Something he wishes he could take back. But she also didn't want to be more. Sirius was her friend, not someone she wanted a relationship with. She didn't want a relationship with anyone.
Why had he kissed her?
Gemma sighed to herself. Merlin's Beard, her head hurt. She needed to forget about the day, get some sleep and she was certain she'd then feel better in the morning.
It had been over a week since the incident in the shack and Sirius had still not spoken to her. For the rest of that Hogsmeade weekend, Gemma had been happy to avoid seeing or talking to him, but then she had started to miss him. She had wanted to clear the air and get themselves back on track.
But then they had returned to class and Sirius had ignored her. Granted, she hadn't tried that hard, but as soon as she realised he wouldn't even look at her, she had ignored him back. It had been petty, but she hadn't cared. She'd been pissed off.
Had he been so disgusted by their kiss that he couldn't stand the sight of her? She clenched her fists around the book she was holding. Bastard.
Alice, Mary and Lily had all noticed the strain between their friendship, but Gemma hadn't told them the truth. She'd felt too humiliated, and she knew that Alice wouldn't be happy. Alice would march straight up to Sirius, hex him into next week and not look back. Gemma loved her best friend, but she didn't want to start a war.
So, she had told them that they had disagreed on how she had handled Avery and Lestrange. She hated lying, but she didn't understand enough of the truth to share.
Gemma focused back on the situation at hand. She was at school, in a beautiful courtyard, reading her favourite book; Aurors of Our Time. It covered the many trials and tribulations of the greatest Aurors over the last one hundred years – her parents included – and it always gave her inspiration. After all, she was at school to learn, to get good grades, and to become an Auror. Not to sulk over idiot friends.
A movement to her left caught her eye and she looked up. Remus stood beside her. "Hi."
Gemma shuffled over so there was space on her bench. "Hi. You ok?"
Remus took a seat. "I am. You?" Gemma nodded and closed her book. Remus laughed. "You're reading that again? I swear I see you reading that every few months. Or perhaps you're just very slow at reading it."
Gemma grinned. "It's that. I'm only on chapter three."
They laughed and leaned back, before Remus took a deep breath. Gemma wondered if he was going to ask her about Sirius. Merlin she hoped not.
"Sirius told me about what happened in Hogsmeade." Gemma tensed and waited for him to continue. "About how he helped you out when Lestrange attacked. About how he had transformed… into Padfoot."
Padfoot? Was that the name of Sirius's animagus? She sighed. She hadn't known that. "Yeah. And I promise I won't tell anyone his secret. I know we're not talking right now, but I'm not so mad at him that I'd get him into trouble."
Remus smiled. "I know you won't. That's not why I'm here." Remus took another deep breath and Gemma realised exactly what he was going to say. "Sirius also told me that you might know my secret."
Gemma looked down at her hands. "I have my suspicions but I swear I have never shared them with anyone. Well, except Sirius but only because of the situation." Gemma turned to Remus to look him in the eye. "If there is anything to tell then I want you to tell me because you want to tell me. As far as I'm concerned, I know nothing. And it will stay that way until the day I die. I promise."
Remus looked down for a long moment before meeting her eyes again. "You're a good friend, Gemma. And I do want you to know. It's quite… overwhelming. Talking about it. And… I'm ashamed." Gemma started to respond but Remus stopped her. "I'm trying not to be. I'm surrounded by my friends who tell me I have nothing to be ashamed of. That I'm still me." He paused and Gemma waited. "They don't understand what it's like to live with this… this… thing inside me. To know the danger I pose to others." Remus took another deep breath. "Anyway, I'm happy you know and I know you won't say anything. I trust you."
Gemma felt her heart swell at his words. She was honoured he trusted her with such a huge secret, even if his hand had been forced. She leaned in and gave him a hug, and for a moment they just sat together.
Eventually, Remus stood, intending to leave. He hesitated though. "Sirius… Sirius also told me about what happened between you two. In the shack."
Gemma looked down. "He did?"
"He did. Are you ok?"
Gemma nodded. "Yeah. I'm annoyed at him, obviously, but maybe I should have seen it coming. I doubt I'm the first girl he's acted like that with and I doubt I'll be the last." Maybe that was unfair, but Gemma was still pissed off at him for ignoring her.
Remus frowned. "What do you mean by that?"
Gemma stared at him. "Well, you know; he's not exactly known for sticking around after he gets a kiss out of a girl."
Remus looked confused and Gemma almost laughed. Was he really so unaware of what his friend got up to? Surely not. Suddenly Remus sat back down. "Gemma, start from the beginning. What exactly are you angry at Sirius for?"
"Well, he kissed me and then immediately told me that it had been a huge mistake and he would never kiss me again." Gemma shrugged and looked at her hands, feeling embarrassed. "It's not exactly the nicest thing to hear."
"So you wanted him to kiss you?"
Gemma felt her cheeks heat. What kind of question was that? "Why are you asking me this, Remus?"
"Because Sirius thinks you didn't want it. Sirius thinks he pushed you; forced you. He's been killing himself all week because he thinks he hurt you."
Gemma stared at Remus in shock. "Why would he think that?"
"I don't know, but he thinks it. Gemma…"
"I know." Gemma stood quickly, knowing that she needed to find Sirius. No wonder he hadn't been looking at her or talking to her. Merlin, how could he ever think himself capable of something like that? "I need to find him. Where is he?"
"He wasn't in the common room, but James is there now. He has the map."
Gemma nodded at Remus, then ran towards the common room. She'd left her book behind but she didn't care. Remus would pick it up for her, she was sure. All that mattered was finding Sirius and putting to end his stupid, stupid, belief that he had hurt her.
As she headed towards Gryffindor Tower, a sudden thought occurred. Veering right, Gemma ran to the bottom of the Astronomy Tower and climbed the steps quickly. Her lungs burned from the exertion; she was not a good runner.
As she rounded the top, she was relieved to see Sirius in front of her, leaning out over the railing.
He turned to her. "Gemma." He stared at her as she caught her breath. Fuck, she couldn't speak. She really needed to work out more. Sirius stepped towards her, then stopped himself. "Are you ok? Has something happened?"
Gemma gasped in air again. "I'm fine." She took another deep breath. "I've just run here… because… you're an idiot, Sirius Black. A bloody idiot!" He frowned and started to speak but she held up her hand. "Sirius… you didn't force that kiss on me last week. I wanted it. I enjoyed it. I can't believe you'd ever think you could hurt someone like that, least of all me! You must have known I wanted it. You must have known I was enjoying it."
Gemma breathed heavily as Sirius stared at her. For a moment he didn't speak. Then he stepped forward. "You wanted it?"
She nodded in response. "I did."
"And you enjoyed it?"
She smiled. "I did."
"So why did you push me away?"
Gemma sighed. "I didn't push you away, Sirius. I just needed a moment to pause. It was… overwhelming. You were overwhelming." She felt herself blush slightly and she looked down at her hands. "You know I haven't been kissed much and certainly not like that. But I never said I wasn't enjoying it."
For a long moment, they both stood in silence and Gemma was unable to look at him. Then she heard him move. He leaned over the railing. "I honestly thought I had pushed you too far, especially after what had happened with Lestrange…"
"You hadn't, I promise."
He looked over at her. "You haven't spoken to me all week."
Gemma resisted the urge to roll her eyes. "Because you haven't spoken to me all week. Besides, you told me that it had all been a huge mistake and you'd never kiss me again. I thought you were so disgusted by me that…"
"Merlin, Gem." Sirius interrupted. "I'd never be disgusted by you. I said all that because I thought I'd hurt you and you needed to know that I wasn't going to try anything." He paused for a moment. "I'm sorry I said all that, and I'm sorry I ran out on you. And… I'm sorry I ignored you." He scoffed slightly. "I really have been a bloody idiot."
Gemma laughed a little in response. "Maybe. But I have too. I should have just asked you to slow down and I definitely shouldn't have ignored you all week as well."
Sirius smiled at her. "Friends again?"
Gemma smiled back. "Friends always."
"Good."
Sirius held out his arm and Gemma stepped into him. He gave her a quick but tight hug, before they broke apart. She joined him at the railing and they both turned to look out over the grounds. She was pleased they had resolved their misunderstanding and were talking again. It had been a long, hard week.
As they stood watching the leaves sway on the trees and listened to the birds chirp, Gemma started to think back over their time together in the shack. She realised she'd been so focused on everything that had come after the kiss, she hadn't yet questioned why he had kissed her in the first place.
"Sirius." She turned towards him and leaned sideways on the railing. "Why did you kiss me last week?"
He turned towards her and mirrored her position. "Because I wanted to."
"Oh." Gemma wasn't sure what she had expected as an answer, but certainly not something that sounded so… simple.
He chuckled slightly. "Look, Gem, you're my friend and I don't want anything to change that, but you're also really hot. I've thought about kissing you for a while so…" He raised one shoulder in a casual shrug. "…I went for it." Gemma nodded slowly, but she wasn't ready to respond. Sirius continued. "You said earlier you wanted it and you enjoyed it, so you must think I'm pretty hot too, right?"
He grinned and Gemma felt her cheeks heat as she rolled her eyes. "Fishing, much?"
Sirius laughed. "Maybe…"
Gemma couldn't help but laugh in return. "Fine. Yes, I think you're attractive." She paused for a moment. "I've thought about kissing you too. Although, I'm not really sure what that means. I mean, I don't want a relationship or anything."
"Good." Sirius said. "That's the last thing I want. No offence."
Gemma laughed. "None taken."
Sirius smiled then tilted his head, looking at her. "Do you want to do it again?"
Gemma was surprised by the question. "What?"
"Do you want to do it again? Do you want me to kiss you again?"
Yes. But Gemma couldn't say that. Because despite not wanting a relationship, how could she admit that she still wanted to kiss Sirius? That she wanted to feel the passion and excitement and nerves that she had felt the week before. "No."
"Liar." Sirius grinned at her and stepped towards her.
Gemma forced herself to remain where she was. "Do you want to do it again?"
"Hell yes." Gemma was surprised by his response, and the strength of his certainty. He laughed, having clearly seen the surprise in her face. "What? It was fun; of course I'd kiss you again. And you know you would too. You've already admitted you enjoyed it."
Gemma hesitated. "Fine. Maybe I would kiss you again."
Sirius smiled at her then dropped his gaze to her lips. The action made Gemma's insides twist and turn in a mixture of excitement and nerves. Was he going to kiss her again? Now? She immediately hoped that he would.
Instead though, he turned back to the railing and looked out over the grounds. "Good to know."
Sirius could sense Gemma's hesitancy beside him. And as much as he was desperate to kiss her again – because, thank Merlin, not only had she wanted it but she had enjoyed it too – he knew she was feeling uncertain and confused.
In his mind it was simple. They continue as they are - as friends - but when the mood strikes they let themselves enjoy the moment. No pressure; no attachments; just having fun.
He glanced sideways at Gemma who had turned to look out at the grounds as well. He didn't know if she would be open to that, but he knew enough; she wanted to kiss him again and she didn't want a relationship.
Sirius smiled to himself. It was perfect. She was perfect.
End of Part I