Thursday, March 4, 2049

Bayley's P.O.V.

Being a mother at seventeen is harder than I expected. The first day without Taylor was overwhelming, but I survived. I did it. This weekend was a good one, actually. We spent time together as a family. You don't realize how much you miss someone when you don't see them for 14 hours until you spend the whole weekend together.

Last night was a rough one. Taylor and I got only 4 hours of sleep.

Rawlings is officially 7 weeks old today.

Today is off to a bad day already.

Taylor's alarm woke us up at 5:20AM, I groaned into my pillow.

"Ugh. I'm so tired." I mutter, rubbing my eyes, sitting up in my bed and I got out of bed.

Rawlings is still asleep in her bassinet beside my bed and Taylor gets out of bed, getting into the shower and I wash my face in the bathroom while my fiance is taking a shower.

We haven't planned much of our wedding yet, but sometime soon, we're going to get started on our wedding planning.

After Taylor gets out of the shower, he changes into his sweater and black tight jeans. Brushing his hair, he looks at me.

"Are you okay?" He asks me, putting his books in his bookbag.

"I'm okay, I think." I say, truthfully.

Am I really okay?

Taylor nods his head. "Alright." He leans in and kisses me. "I gotta go. I love you." He kisses Rawlings's head softly before heading out of my room and out the door to his car and drives off to school.

Another day with my baby girl by myself.

I decide to get something to eat while she's asleep, so I quietly head downstairs to the kitchen and get some cereal and coffee. After eating - as quickly as I can without choking, I head back upstairs to see her still asleep.

It won't be long before she's awake so I better get started on some homework my teachers sent me. I was able to make a pretty good dent in my homework before Rawlings started crying.

I put my laptop to the side, I reach over and pick up my crying daughter. I realize she's hungry, so I feed her and let her eat until she's full. I take my boob out of her mouth and wrap myself up again before burping her.

I check her diaper, I see she's clean so I decide to rock her to sleep before laying her in her bassinet again.

I sigh. God, she doesn't realize how much I had to give up, does she? She will when she's 16. When she's 16, I'll be 32. Holy fuck. I'll be young still. Taylor and I will be able to still travel and do everything we'd want to do in our twenties, but instead, we'll be in our thirties.

Today, I'm going to my OBYN for my checkup. Rawlings had her six week appointment already. I'm hoping to go on birth control today. I don't want to have to worry about getting pregnant again when I'm not ready yet. I don't want another baby before the wedding.

°°°
Later that day, I came home from my appointment with Rawlings and my mom. She looked at me. "How do you feel about being on birth control now?" She asks as we walk into the house.

I look at her. "It feels good to not have to worry about getting pregnant again until I'm ready, you know?"

Mom chuckles. "And, the pull out game doesn't really work that well either, neither do condoms. They aren't always perfect, or work."

I let out a small laugh. "Yeah, that's how I got pregnant. The condom must have not worked."

Mom nods her head. "Your dad thought his pull out game would work." She laughs. "That's how I got pregnant with you."

I let out a laugh too. "Oh my goodness. Really?" I ask.

Mom nods her head. "Yes."

I sigh, sat down on the couch after placing Rawlings in her swing. "Wow, Mom."

She blushes, letting out a laugh. "I'm happy I had you. Don't get me wrong, honey. I just wished I-" I cut her off. "Waited, yeah, me too."

Mom looks at me with a frown on her face. "Oh, sweetie. Please don't make yourself feel guilty." She says, sitting next to me when she saw my lip quivering.

I tried holding in my tears, but that didn't end up happening. I had so much on my plate as a disabled mother- things people who aren't disabled don't think about.

They don't think about the emotional toll it will cause, the ability part of it, the feelings of being depressed, the feeling of I can't drive or go anywhere with my baby by myself or just go for a walk. Well, the last part is a lie. I can, but it would be too much to do myself. I'm a new mom. My baby is only seven weeks old. And it's winter time, I'm not risking her health.

"Mom, I don't feel guilty. I just feel really overwhelmed with everything. I'm a mom who is disabled. That's why I'm scared of going anywhere with her when I do plan on getting my license or wanting to do something alone with her." I look at her with my eyes glossing. "You saw the look that receptionist lady gave me while I was holding Rawlings's carrier. She rolled her eyes at me, looked at me and her, and then at you, like I wasn't even her mother!" I start crying. "She was such a bitch to me! She probably thought I was her sister before I said I was her mother, then she gave me the look of, 'you sure she's your daughter? You are too young, and you probably are stupid or something'..." I sobbed into her shoulder.

She just held me in her arms. Shaking her head, she spoke. "No! You aren't stupid, Bayley. That receptionist was a bitch to you. You don't deserve to be treated that way towards anyone. I'm so sorry she treated you lesser than a person. You're so much more than that, sweetheart."

I nod slowly. "I know..."

"You're a great mom to Rawlings. Nobody should make you feel like you aren't a good mom or lesser than a person because you have a disability." She says, trying to soothe me.

I let go and of her. "Thank you, mom." I say, wiping my eyes.

Maybe being a disabled mom wouldn't be so bad. I just will do things differently than a person who isn't disabled. I will teach my daughter how treat people the right way when she sees someone with a disability.

She will break the fucking cycle that is so fucked up how the world sees people with disabilities.

We are people too.

After Taylor got home around 9:30PM, I told him everything that had happened today. He wasn't too happy either. He was so angry. I never ever saw him so pissed off before.

"She did what now?!" Taylor screamed. Thank God Rawlings was asleep upstairs.

Mom sighed deeply. "The receptionist was so fucking rude to Bay. She made her feel like she shouldn't be a mom to her own child." Mom says, cleaning up the kitchen. Dad wasn't too happy either with the situation. He had a sour look on his face.

"That girl doesn't understand your situation, Bayley. You are a great mom! Don't let that one girl make you feel like you can't raise your own children..." Dad says to me with his arms crossed.

I was sitting on the couch with my face in my hands. I couldn't say a word. I was too upset.

"I'm so pissed off right now! Nobody should ever make you feel lesser than a person when you go anywhere with our daughter!" Taylor half yelled.

I understood his feelings. He's protective of me and our daughter for a reason. "Taylor..." I mutter.

He shook his head. "Nope. No. I won't allow you to feel like you're a bad mom because of one fucking lady who doesn't know what you deal with everyday!" He breathed deeply, calming down. "I'm sorry. I'm just very protective of you and Rawlings..." Taylor says, hugging me. "You don't deserve that..."

I nod my head. "I know..." I bury my head into his shoulder. "I love you."

"I love you too, baby girl." He mutters in my ear. He kisses my head.

I fucking love this man.

I can't wait to be his wife.

°°°
AN: Life update: I'm enrolling in college in a few days. My schedule of updating won't be so daily like it has been lately. I will try to write everyday, here and there when I can. My bf and I are getting our car on Monday! So fucking excited about it! Life has been so good.

I hope you enjoyed!

I love you guys! ❤️

See you all around.