Originally written in January 2007
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing. I'm just the one that gets blamed by the Musi for making them suffer. The title was borrowed from The Verve. This is a work of fiction and I claim no knowledge of actual events.

So I'm sitting here in Des Moines, Iowa, unable to fall asleep. And no, it's not simply because I just had surgery on my knee the other day and it's still hurting. Things I probably shouldn't even be thinking about are keeping me awake even more than that.

Today's the 24th of October. The date doesn't mean much to anyone, except maybe two people. Actually, it might very well just be me and no one else. I wouldn't know, because we never talked about it afterwards. There was nothing to talk about anyway. Decisions were made that had been a long time coming and from then on the past was the past and meant to stay there, for everyone's sake.

Honestly? In the last year I haven't dwelled too much on it, either. Life moved on and nothing was all that different from how it was before. Yes, the nights got a little lonelier on the road, but that was about it. After all, he's still in my life, and I know nothing can ever change that.

I'm not even quite sure why I'm pondering about this now. October 24, 2003. Exactly one year ago to this day.

From the looks of it, you would have thought that Hunter's and Stephanie's wedding was actually today instead of tomorrow. Many of the guests were already in town and there was chaos all around due to last-minute preparations.

I was sitting in the lobby of the hotel everyone was staying at and, leaning back in the cushy chair, I surveyed the whole scene. Hotel staff were running in and out of the grand ballroom already where the reception would be held. Nosy as I was, I had peeked in earlier so I knew things would look perfect. Lots of flowers were all over the place – Steph's favorites from what I recalled – and there was no doubt in my mind that she would love it.

I, on the other hand, was wondering how I was supposed to get through tomorrow, or just today, for that matter. The place was so cheerful and full of life and happiness and part of me felt completely the opposite. It wasn't like I didn't want to be there – tomorrow was my best friend's big day and I wouldn't have wanted to miss it for the world – but still, it ripped a little piece of me apart, no matter how hard I tried not to let it get to me. Thinking about it now, it probably affected me more than I dared to admit at the time, even to myself.

As far as the happy couple went, I had only seen them briefly earlier that day. Stephanie had flung her arms around me to greet me with a thrilled "Oh my God, Shawn, I'm so happy! Isn't this beautiful?" I just smiled and nodded like the good groomsman I was supposed to be. It was easy to tell how excited she was. Hunter had stood next to us, watching his wife-to-be let go of me, and also pulled me into a hug. "Thank you for coming," I heard him say quietly, not missing a hint of uncertainty in my friend's voice. However, before I could comment on it, the two of them had already been dragged off elsewhere.

So that had basically been my only encounter with Hunter so far. Watching the big set-up of the wedding, I wondered how he felt about it. I couldn't help but remember the talks we had that seemed like a lifetime ago. During those, Hunter always used to say that if the day ever came that he got married, he just wanted a small ceremony with his family and closest friends there. Only the people who really mattered. Well, that probably wasn't much of an option when you married a McMahon.

Checking my watch, I noticed that it was 10 pm. I hadn't even realized how long I had been sitting in the lobby already. The festivities would start early tomorrow so I figured I'd better get some sleep.

Just when I was about to settle for the night, there was a knock on the door. I wasn't even going to answer it until I heard Hunter's voice. Even then I still wondered whether it was a good idea to let him in. I knew we needed to talk, but still… I wasn't so sure the day before his wedding was the time and place for that.

There was another knock and even though I had a feeling I would regret it later, I reluctantly walked over to the door and opened it.

Hunter looked different from earlier. His hair was now pulled back in a ponytail and the classy shirt and suit pants he had been wearing were replaced with a t-shirt and his black track pants. I always thought that was so much more like him.

"Can I come in?" Hunter asked.

I simply nodded and followed him back into the room. We both sat down and an awkward silence settled between us until I couldn't take it anymore and spoke up.

"What brings you here? Getting nervous about tomorrow?" I tried to keep my tone light, even though that was far from how I felt at the moment.

He just shook his head, looking at anything but me. When he finally did, I almost wished he hadn't.

Hunter didn't really have to say what this was about. I knew it was about us. Fighting the lump in my throat, I still had to ask. "This is it, isn't it?"

The sadness in those amber eyes hit me like a ton of bricks and for a moment I thought how wrong it was that he was feeling this way right now, just hours before he would marry the woman he loved.

Struggling to find the right words, he tried to explain. "You know it has to be. If Rebecca ever finds out… And Steph… I love her, you know? She's… everything I ever wanted."

I wanted to ask him why we instantly had been drawn back to each other then when I came back from my back injury. Why, despite Stephanie, we'd picked things up right where we left them. Why was is that I had never seen him look at her in quite the same way he looked at me?

But I didn't. I had seen this coming, I really had, but…

"Shawn…" My name nothing but a whisper. I already knew right there that hearing him say it like that would be one of the things I would come to miss the most.

"It's okay. I understand," I just about managed to say. I cut off whatever his answer might have been by putting a finger gently to his lips. "Really. It's okay." It wasn't the truth but I wanted him to believe it. "Just… one last goodbye? That's all I'm asking…"

Maybe it was selfish but deep down I think I knew what I would be giving up. And I knew I didn't want to remember only the heartache I felt now.

I almost didn't expect him to pull me close when he did. His lips captured mine as tenderly as they always had, and when we sank down onto the bed, he whispered the same sweet nothings into my ear that had always made me feel safe.

His hands caressed my skin as if to engrave every spot into his memory forever and so did mine. We let ourselves get lost in each other one last time; in those last touches, movements and quiet moans that conveyed everything that neither of us had been able to say in the past and now wouldn't get a chance to anymore, either.

…It wasn't until he had left way too soon that I allowed myself to break down, quietly shedding tears into my pillow, mourning what I had just lost.

So here I am now, a year later. There's a wedding anniversary coming up tomorrow. I actually helped Hunter plan out the surprise for Stephanie after the show. I'm just glad that we were able to not let our break-up come between our friendship.

Do I wish we could have been honest with each other, right from the start, and been able to face the fact that our feelings for each other had indeed run deeper? I'd be a liar if I said I don't. Who knows? We might have had a chance if we had been. But then, I probably just like to think that.

Believe me, I've lain awake many nights wondering if it might have made a difference if I hadn't screwed up my back in 1998. If I hadn't left the Federation because of it. If he and Stephanie had never grown so close while I was gone. So many what if's…

But then, I shouldn't even think like that. Hunter's madly in love with Stephanie, and I have Rebecca, my children… and even if there are still naysayers, I've truly changed. My faith saved me from continuing to give in to my demons and helped me become the man I should have been all along. And yet it had been so easy to give in to those feelings towards Hunter again when I came back after those four years. I'm not saying we were right in doing so but… I think we've just always been each other's weakness.

I meant it when I said I haven't dwelled too much on everything in the past months. But only because I didn't let myself really think about it. Now, however, for the first time in a year, I can't really fight the memories that are catching up with me. How I was holding on to him for dear life that night because I knew there wouldn't be a next time like before.

It's a bittersweet anniversary but part of me will always cherish these moments in my memory, even though I probably shouldn't. I suppose Hunter's the one demon I'll never be able to completely fight, nor do I want to.

And you know what? I think I'm starting to realize that's okay…

NOTES:

This fic was written for the Anniversary Challenge over at starxedhearts on LJ back in 2007 (which I co-won).

starxedhearts Challenge #4 – Anniversary
The Object: Write something (from 100 words up to 15 pages) that deals with the idea of an anniversary. This is not limited to wedding anniversaries—an anniversary of any sort is appropriate here.