Chapter 4

"It's Okay Not to be Okay"

As she approached the bench Ben was sitting on, her mind was jumbling for a solution. Her head told her to not get too involved in Ben's life, because she wasn't in a place where she had the right to interfere with someone else's child life. The least thing she wanted to happen was for Ross to be mad at her. But, on the other hand, Ben wasn't just someone else's child, it was Ross'. Her ex-husband, her best friend, and the father of her child. Her heart was telling her to have a talk to Ben. Just like a mother seeing her son in so much pain, she wanted to help and took his pain away, even just a slightest bit.

As she got closer and closer to where he was sitting, she could see sorrow, fears, and pain plastered all over the little boy's face. With that, her heart was winning the tug war inside her. She was going to try to break through to him, find out the root of the problem, and hopefully together with Ross, they could fix it.

"Thank you so much for keeping an eye on the kids." Rachel smiled at Mrs. Henderson, Ben's teacher.

The teacher stood up and smiled, "No, it's okay. They're good kids." Rachel smiled at her words.

After exchanging a few goodbyes to his teacher, Ben followed Rachel outside. The whole time, he kept his head down, feeling both remorse and shame for his action. The boy's murky aura (as Phoebe might say) was caught by Rachel.

Stopping her track at the street, instead of walking to her left where their apartment was, she turned to her right, taking them to Central Park. After a few minutes of walking, they sat at a bench under a tree. The place was much quieter than the rest of the park. A perfect place for a talk.

The sky slowly turned into orange as the three of them sat under a tree. After making sure Emma was asleep in her stroller, Rachel focused her attention on Ben.

She was sure that whatever made Ben do what he did, there must be a reason behind it. A good reason. And she was determined to find out that very reason.

This boy must've had his reason for hurting his friend. He wasn't that type of kid. Rachel thought.

Seeing Ben sitting at that bench, though, she threw her entire plan away. He was fiddling with his fingers nervously as he continued to stare down, not wanting to make any eye contact with Rachel. Seeing his nervousness and his fears radiating through his eyes, it melted her heart. And just like that, for now her focus was only to comfort the little boy.

The fear in his eyes, the way he nervously fiddled with his fingers, the way he looked down, it was all familiar but yet so strange for her. She knew that feeling when you did something wrong and your parents caught you in an act. But in Ben's case, that wasn't just it. The look on his eyes also showed sadness, something he had in him ever since that day.

Without asking anything, Rachel pulled Ben into a hug as she gently stroked his blonde hair. As an immediate response, Ben cried himself out into her. The whole thing was overwhelming for the boy, but as soon as he was in her arms, it was as if his problems were gone.

Being in Rachel's arm somewhat brought a sense of familiarity into him. It was as if Rachel was Carol who was hugging him after he fell down from a bike. Or as if Rachel was Susan who was hugging him every night he went to bed, before kissing him softly on his temple as they said their goodnight.

One simple gesture from her was enough for Ben to break down entirely. Finally, after almost a month after the accident, he stopped putting on his brave face in front of other people.

"Let it go.." She whispered. "It's okay to cry.. It's ok not to be ok.." She shed tears as she continued to whisper at him. "It's okay, Ben." She repeated softly.

Right after she said those words, she could feel his grip was tightened around her back. He was hugging her so tight as if his life depended on it.

Unbeknownst to other people, Ben was still processing his grief, which was slower than the adults. For the boy, the thought of losing both of his mothers was so unbearable and as a result of his defense mechanism, he pushed it back as if nothing had happened. But then, one day, just like it meant to be, it blew up. It was like when you kept putting air into a balloon and at some point the balloon was going to explode. It was inevitable.

"A-are you mad at me?" The boy asked in his shaky voice. His voice was so little and fragile, it broke her heart.

She let out a small smile, letting him know that she wasn't mad at him. "No, of course not." She looked into the boy's eyes whilst brushing his hair gently. "I believe you have your own reason."

He sniffled. "I do." He admitted softly.

"Do you want to tell me about it?" She asked carefully.

It was a long shot, but she took it anyway.

To her surprise, he nodded.

She took his hands and rested it on her knee as she tapped it gently as an assurance. "Okay." She began. "Whenever you're ready."

He stared at their hands that were now rested on Rachel's knee, not knowing where else to look. "There is this classmate of mine named Troy. He is a bully." He began his story. "You know.. He always made fun of me because I had two moms. They even made up a name for me and they said mean things about my moms." He paused. "I told my mom about it and they said I have to ignore him and I did."

It never crossed her mind that Ben was being bullied in school before. But what angered her was at the fact that the school didn't do anything about it. They should've punished that kid in the first place to avoid things like this happening.

Even though she had never been bullied before, she still felt bad for Ben. It must've been hard for Ben to ignore such mean behavior and words targeted toward him.

At this point, Ben's tears were streaming down to his face. "But then.." He then stopped for a moment, remembering those hurtful words his friend had said to him. "... Then he made fun of me because now I had no mom." He wiped his tears with his hand. "I was so angry, I punched him in the face and he cried." He explained softly.

"Oh, honey.." Her face softened and she pulled him into a hug. She stroked his back soothingly. "I'm so sorry.." she said softly.

She was sorry that Ben had to go through all that at the age of seven. At the age of seven, the worst thing that had happened to her was the death of her hamster, Twinkles, she had accidentally vacuumed. It was nothing compared to what Ben had to deal with at such a young age. As if losing and witnessing the death of his moms weren't hard enough, he had to deal with the bullies.

After a while, she broke the hug off as she caressed his cheeks. "I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself.." She smiled as Ben looked into her eyes, thinking if his aunt was joking or something.

He just punched a kid and his aunt was proud of him? It never crossed his mind that her reaction would be like this. He was prepared for an earful from both his aunt and his dad. But what Rachel did confused the boy.

As if she could sense his doubts, she added. "..But, honey... I don't think that punching someone is the right answer." She added as Ben looked at her attentively. "They're not worth your time and they certainly aren't worth causing a problem with. It's their loss that they want to keep being mean to you. Because you know what?" She smiled. "You are the nicest boy I've ever meet. And if they can't see that, then it's their loss."

She was telling the truth. Even though Ben could be mischievous sometimes, he was still a nice and kind kid. She saw that during the time she had spent living with him. He'd help her to feed Emma, give his baby sister tons of kisses, and even attempted to tell a story to the infant. She had no doubt that Ben would make a great big brother and Emma was very lucky because of it.

Ben smiled at his aunt's words. It somehow brought a sense of peace in his mind. He knew physical fight wasn't the answer to his problem, it would only cause a bigger problem instead. He understood that now. She was right, those kids were not worthy of his time.

"I'm not going to do that again." He began. "I promise."

Rachel smiled, feeling proud of him. "Pinky promise?"

Ben let out a small chuckle, "Pinky promise." He said as they intertwined their pinky fingers.

"You know what I think about those bullies?" She asked after a while and he shook his head. "I think they're just jealous because you had two amazing mothers and they didn't." He let out a small smile. "You also have your dad and a little sister. You have your aunts and uncles that love you so so much." She explained softly. "And the best thing is, you have me. Your fun aunt Rachel." He finally giggled.

She stroked his blonde hair gently. "Just remember that you have all of us. We all love you so much and we'll be there for you." She started. "So, don't be afraid to tell us anything if you have any kind of problem or if something upset you, especially to your dad. He loves you so much. You know?"

"I know." Ben nodded. "Thank you, Aunt Rachel." He pulled her into a tight hug and she kissed his hair.

"Anytime, Benny Boy." She smiled and stood up. "Now, let's go get some ice cream."

Ben smiled widely at the idea. "Okay."

...

After talking and putting Ben into sleep, Ross headed toward the kitchen to grab some wine. It had been a rough day for the family, he needed something to numb his feelings.

To his surprise she was there, looking aimlessly at a cup of milk in front of her.

"Hey.." He said softly as he joined her by sitting in front of her at the dining table.

His soft voice brought her back from her trance and she smiled. "Hey.."

"Listen, Rach. About what happened today-" Before he could finish his words, she cut him off.

"I'm sorry about that. I shouldn't cross the line like-" Now it was his turn to cut her off.

He took her right hand into his and he smiled. "No. Thank you for talking to Ben." She let out a small smile, feeling the burden and fears inside her subsided. "I've talked to Ben and he apologized to me about a dozen times. He said you helped him to understand that what he was doing was wrong and he promised not to repeat his action." He paused. "How did you do that?"

"Well.." She began with a smile. "Let's just say, you Gellers have some sort of weakness toward me." She said half-jokingly which made him chuckle.

"Weakness, huh?" He began also with a smile. "Well, I hope you will not take the advantage of it."

She let out a chuckle, "Too late for that."

He shook his head and just smiled. He was glad to have her beside him. She had this power over him that she would make him smile by her joke. It was one of many things he loved about her. With Rachel, it seemed like no matter how big his problem was, she made it easier for him to deal with it. And he was very thankful for that.

"Thank you." He said wholeheartedly and she nodded and smiled.

Ross grabbed a bottle of wine and a glass for himself, knowing Rachel couldn't drink. She watched every move he made and she could easily see how drained he was by the whole incident. Knowing how hard it must've been for him, her heart ached for him.

"So, how do you feel?" She asked after he got back into his seat.

"Like crap." He sighed before gulping down his wine, not even leaving a single drop left on his glass.

Not only did he feel like crap right now, he felt like he was failing on his role as a father. As a father, your job was supposed to make your children safe, right? But lately, he felt like he had failed in protecting Ben. He didn't even know that his own son had been through such an unpleasant experience at his school.

Ross was angry. He was angry at the world for taking Carol and Susan way too early. He was angry at the school for letting this happen in the first place. And of course, he was mostly angry with himself.

How could he let this happen? How could he not know about Ben's struggles?

He clenched his fists as tears started to stream down from his eyes, feeling the mixture of anger, hopelessness, and not knowing what to do.

She didn't even know if her heart could shatter even more before, but seeing him in that state was hurting her too. She hated seeing him like that.

As tears started to stream down to her eyes too, she slowly made her way toward him and enveloped him into a hug. He responded by burying his face into her chest and cried, releasing all the stress, all the anger, and all the fears inside him.

She stroked his hair gently, silently letting him know she was there for him.

After a few minutes, he finally calmed down.

"Y-you know.." He started. "All of these times I always think of myself as a great father. I mean, I may not be the best father ever, but I always thought I'm a great father for Ben." He suddenly let out a sad chuckle, making him sound so miserable. "But who am I kidding? I'm so far from being a great father."

"What are you talking about?" Rachel had to interrupt. "You are a great father, Ross."

She knew the fact that Ross was indeed a great father. He was a great father not only to Ben, but also to Emma. There weren't a lot of men like Ross who wanted to be as involved as he could in terms of taking care of their newborn baby. Thanks to Ross, the whole motherhood thing was easier for Rachel. He was there, ready to help her whenever she needed him 24/7. Not even once she heard him complaining about not wanting to help her with Emma. Instead, he was the one who usually offered to help and she was always thankful for him.

So, why would he tell those lies about himself? She wondered.

"Would a great father let all these happen to his own son?" He sounded more harsh than he initially intended, but he couldn't help it, he was so frustrated with himself.

He sighed and buried his face with his palms.

"Hey.." She started softly and then she placed her hand into his knee and rubbed it gently. "You can't blame yourself for that. None of it is your fault."

He finally looked up to her and saw the sincerity in her eyes. Though he blamed himself for all that had happened, hearing her saying those words gave him the amount of relief he didn't know he needed it before.

"It's not your fault, Ross." She repeated before giving him another hug. "Please don't beat yourself up for it." She practically begged him. "And don't ever think of you as a bad father, Ross." She said those words after they broke their hug. "You're the best father both Emma and Ben could've ever asked."

"Thank you so much." He finally let out a thankful smile. Hearing those words coming out from her mouth meant a lot to him. It was something he really needed to hear tonight.

"Alright. I think I'm gonna get some sleep now." She said as she stood up from her seat. "Are you gonna be okay?"

"Yeah, I'll finish this and then I'll go get some sleep. Don't worry."

"Good night, Ross." She gave him another smile before leaving him alone in the kitchen.

"Good night, Rach."

His eyes were fixated on her until she was finally out of his sight. She surely knew how to make him feel better, even just a bit.

...

It was midnight when Ross woke up and found another side of his bed empty.

Ben was gone.

Feeling panic washed all over him, he quickly jumped off the bed and called Ben's name softly, not wanting to disturb other occupants of the apartment.

After failing to find him inside his room, he headed toward the bathroom, kitchen, and then living room, but Ben wasn't there. His hands started shaking, thinking about the worst thing that might've happened.

He slowly opened Rachel's room, hoping to wake her up and helped him find Ben. But, as soon as he opened the door, he stopped dead on his track.

Ben was snuggling next to Rachel, facing her, in her queen sized bed. Judging by the smile on her face, she was aware of Ben's presence.

A sense of relief filled him and he smiled at the sight as he stood by the doorway. It looked like Ben was feeling attached to Rachel for some reason. A reason he hadn't fully figured it out yet. Ben even opened up about his bully to Rachel, which confused him more. Even back then, Ross only knew about Ben's problem through Carol. Ben never once confided in him about his problems.

Maybe because Rachel was the mother of Ben's little sister. He thought.

Then, it dawned on him. This was the missing piece of the puzzle. Of course he would be more comfortable to talk to Rachel since he used to spend his entire life with her two moms. Though he did see Ross once in a few weeks, it wasn't the same. Carol and Susan were there for him on his daily basis. They knew his habit, his routine, or perhaps even his feelings. His moms knew that he was upset without anyone telling them.

A mother figure was something that was taken away from Ben's life after the death of both his moms. He missed them. He missed on how Carol or Susan would just hug him without asking much questions knowing that he was upset about something. Only after he was calming down that they started to ask what had been bothering him or why he was upset. And somehow Ben saw a figure of a mother within Rachel.

The hug. It was a simple gesture, and some people might think it wasn't that important. But for the boy it was everything.

It soothed him in a way that it actually helped. He didn't need words of encouragement or a pep talk. He needed to be held and just like that he knew that he was going to be okay. He was secured. He was protected. That nothing in the world could do harm to him as that person was embracing him.

And the person Ben had chosen was Rachel.

Ross leaned at the doorway, staring at the three people he dearly cared and loved the most in the whole world. It was a perfect picture, something he had forever dreamed of.

A perfect family.

But yet, something was keeping him from making those dreams into a reality.

It was something he still had to figure out.

Fast.