A/N: This will be a longer form fic compared to what I've tried with my recent work. There is a crossover here, but I am playing it close to my chest. It will be a couple chapters before I let that start to bleed through. To be honest, this all came up when I recently re-watched an anime that I hadn't seen in a very long time. I always saw Shinji in the main character, and an obvious Asuka there as well.
I also have had several passions grow and mature since seeing the anime. The passion on display in this fic may not resonate with you. I don't know many people with whom it does, and some who do tend to be overly pretentious about it. I used to be as well, but since then I learned to mellow out. To find joy even in things not of the highest quality. I hope my passion and the emotions that mix in my heart and soul come through or at least shine a light on something you might overlook in it. I know I am being cryptic. Sorry, but not really. It's not a twist, but I don't want you getting ahead of the game here.
Lastly, I am aware of the wide swath of content in the Eva Universe. I may choose to ignore some things like the more recent movies. I have my own feelings of good and bad from them. I'm just telling my "Shinji" story. I am also using Kaji here, but because someone seemed confused, I'll be borrowing his family name "Kaji". I think some people might be confused by that since that is how he is referred to, but "Ryoji" is his given name not his family name. If I'm wrong on that please provide evidence.
Enjoy!
Shinji sat in a chair in a formal office set with books, pictures, and sculpture. The therapist visits were a condition of his not-quite freedom. This was technically the third time they had met, but he couldn't make himself tell the story again.
She was just like all the other UN people, wanting to add more to his list of sins. They only wanted to pin more on their scapegoat. They weren't wrong either, he did deserve it, but it just wasn't fair. So why cooperate?
The quiet hung in the air between Shinji and his appointed therapist, with only the ticking of the wall clock and the sound of air conditioned air being pumped through the room to disrupt the silence. Patiently Dr. Setsuko Hara waited, blank pages ready to be filled. Shinji simply continued to stare at his hands and feet. He kept his silence.
There were a lot of things they could talk about, but she had gone straight to the jugular. Dr. Hara didn't build up pretending to be his friend. She had laid out exactly why he knew he was here. "Tell me what you experienced during the events of Near 3rd Impact. What did you see? What did you do? What did you feel?" That question had come on their first visit. Since then they both waited for the other to do something. There had been pleasantries and greetings since, but the question hung between them ever since, and Shinji had refused to answer.
He remembered. Of course he remembered. How could he forget? It was shoved into his face every night for months. The moment he failed her. The moment he failed everyone. He would wake up screaming, with a sharp pain in his abdomen. The remnant pain of a spear through his torso took its time to fade, but the memory was always clear.
"Shinji,..." She began again in that conciliatory tone. The tone that said 'I'm a friend', without actually meaning it. Shinji hated being treated like that.
"Don't!" He snapped. "I don't know you and you don't know me. Don't pretend to be a friend. Kaji is fine. More of a father than the other one ever was."
"You don't want to carry the 'Ikari' name anymore? You could take it back some day."
He spat, "I don't want anything to do with him."
"Well it wasn't just his name you know. It was your mother's name. He merely took it on. Does that make it better?"
"No, he just dirtied it more, and she isn't free of blame either."
"I read that she helped to develop the Evangelions. Were her actions so malicious?"
"I don't know."
Dr. Hara was finally getting somewhere. Pushing his buttons, a little at least, the boy started to open up. Though it became a debate, it still revealed some of what she sought. "The report I read says that you claimed to speak with her. Did you learn anything?"
"I...I don't know. She…" He just trailed off for a minute, "She's just as at fault as Gendou was. So, I don't want to hear 'Ikari'."
She saw the opening slipping away and conceded the current fight, "Okay then, Kaji it is." Before all hope was gone she made a new attempt, "Let's start over...start simple then. Why were you imprisoned?"
Shinji looked up at her with a lot of confusion. He could see she wasn't smirking or showing any kind of enjoyment. She simply seemed like she was listening intently. It was an absurd question. The entire planet had to know why he was imprisoned. "What do you mean? I nearly destroyed humanity."
"So you deserve to be in prison?"
"No...yes...I don't know."
Dr. Hara kept the momentum going, "Then tell me, why does the UN treat a teenage boy as a weapon of mass destruction?"
Shinji accidentally made an impression of his father with a stern look, "Why? What do you want?"
"I want to know the truth." She stated so calmly and plainly that it had to be honest.
Shinji considered for a second and began in an exasperated tone, "Fine. Asuka was fighting the Production Series Evangelions. I managed to get to Unit 01 before the JSDF. I got to the surface and fought alongside Asuka. At one point after Asuka got hurt and I got angry. It was enough to let some influence from Unit 01 enter my mind and take control. Unit 01 was about to go berserk and cause Third Impact. Asuka stopped it with a spear through my body. Unit 01 ejected me and flew off into space. I woke up handcuffed to a bed in a prison cell. The End. Happy?"
Dr. Hara didn't show an ounce of her frustration from the flippant attitude he just gave her. "No. While factual, your account is overly brief and in some places a straight lie I would wager."
Shinji was a little shocked. She called him out on lying, but how could she know. It was the same story he told every time, though a bit cut down. She continued, "I want to know how you felt during all these events. Let's start at the beginning of that little story. You had been struggling leading up to the events of that day. Reports have you in a funk for some time. What made you go to the Eva cage to begin with?"
Shinji sat and contemplated the whole situation for a few minutes while the Doctor patiently waited. He decided he wouldn't give her everything, but maybe if he gave her more, then she would back off. "I had just seen Asuka earlier. She was still in her coma. I had been too weak to fight back against my Father before, and she got hurt again because of it. I was walking around the GeoFront trying to deal with it, when I got a call from Misato. She told me to get to the cages. When she told me it was an attack by the JSDF, I was shocked. I tried so hard to stop the angels, to even kill a close friend, and after all that to be attacked by other humans. It felt...hopeless, but then she said they were going to try to kill Asuka and myself. I knew I couldn't fail Asuka again. She may not have wanted to be protected, but what could she do right then. The destruction of the GeoFront roof and the Mass Production's arrival and Asuka's initial fight all began before I could get there." Shinji stopped to collect more of his thoughts. Dr. Hara had barely taken any notes, she had just been listening. "I got to Unit 01 and could hear Asuka fighting, but Unit 01 wouldn't open up. I got so angry. How could it leap out and save the day so many times before and just sit there, so I let it know I needed it to work. Something happened I guess, and it opened up. I didn't like being a pilot, but if Asuka was awake and fighting outnumbered, I wasn't going to let her deal with that alone."
"How did you feel knowing she had woken up?"
"Surprised. No, Asuka is a tough woman, so not 'surprised'. Maybe it was more like...impressed. Managing to come out of her coma to fight again. If I had been in her position, I might have just curled up and died."
Dr. Hara had a few notes on her page at this point. She was getting more than she gambled for and had hit on the same keys as the others before her. Soryu was a big trigger for the boy and had circled her name twice already. "When you got to the surface, how was she doing? Nine-on-one seems a bit overwhelming considering her condition going into the fight."
"I don't know how she recovered, but she was brilliant." Dr. Hara couldn't help but notice the bit of pride and happiness that Shinji had let slip. "In the end it was like a game of whack-a-mole. She would put one down and move on, only to have to come back and defeat the unit again. I jumped in and did my best to pull a couple off her. At one point she cut open the chest of one deep enough to see a core. It was like our sync training again…" He trailed off looking to the psychiatrist to see if what he just said made sense.
"I have all the notes on your time in the Angel War. I am familiar with your training with Soryu." Dr. Hara didn't want him to stop.
"So, we just went after them with a new goal. We managed to kill five of them, before her power got cut. They used the distraction to pressure her. I was barely holding back two of them. I noticed she had fallen out of step with me and had been knocked to the ground. They stabbed her over and over and…" Shinji had to pause. He was surprised how much this was affecting him. Like those nightmares, he had begun to relive it. "I got...angry. I lashed out killing one, but then my memory starts to get fuzzy. It felt like Unit 01 was taking over. It wasn't until after I woke up that I started to remember other things, like my mother. I'm...not ready to talk about that. At some point I regained enough consciousness to see Unit 02 throw a spear into me. The impact and the pain knocked me out. I woke up like I said."
Dr. Hara took her time considering whether pushing the boy would be in his best interest. She finally got something, and a lot of that something, out of him. She decided to change course, "When you woke up, it is said you asked to see Misato and Asuka. That is when they told you it was impossible. Do you still want to see them?"
Shinji lowered his head again, the shame and guilt started to seep in again. "I don't know. I've read the news. They seem to be doing good without me. Probably for the best."
"You don't want to see them? To see your friends? To give one of those letters to Asuka?" She had read the several letters he tried to have the UN give to the Second Child. They weren't terribly well written, but the honest feelings of regret were conveyed.
Shinji wasn't surprised at this point. He knew those letters wouldn't get anywhere, but he had to try. "No. I understand. I'm a weapon. I'm a bomb. Just seeing one of them get hurt might trigger a Third Impact. Best to keep me from those influences." The boy was echoing the words of several UN investigators.
"I don't care about what the UN wants."
The statement shocked Shinji. "What?"
Dr. Hara took on a stern look of her own now, "I may be here on their request, but you are my patient. You are not a weapon. While my job may be to keep you from going off, I see it as my job to help you just be...you."
Shinji clearly didn't know how to handle the situation. "I...thank you?"
Dr. Hara closed her notebook and looked at the time. "Well, I am just happy you've decided to talk. I was beginning to wonder if I would ever hear more than a polite greeting from you. I know you are still holding back from me, but let's just take this one step at a time. I hope you'll feel like sharing more in the future. This week I would like you to take that journal I gave you and just write some of your feelings in it. Share your feelings on anything and everything. Just get used to expressing yourself."
Leaving, Shinji felt oddly refreshed. In the NERV prison, sessions felt like they were just beating him with guilt. Here, with Dr. Hara, he felt comfortable, and it almost felt like a small weight was off his shoulders. Still, she could be saving it up for later. He couldn't really trust her yet. He didn't feel like he could trust anyone. He sighed and consigned himself to the old adage, "Time would tell."
Shinji tried to process everything on his way home. He decided that he'd get a few snacks from the local convenience store. Finding a few things he was quickly on his way out when a magazine caught his eye. It was the red hair that he couldn't mistake that stuck out. Asuka was posing for some paparazzi's photo with a peace sign and her tongue sticking out in a playful manner. She was clearly enjoying the attention. At first that made him feel better, but there was a small imperfection on her face. It was a scar he had seen before, but as a mere injury.
Shinji had decided that some events involving Near Third Impact were not something he wanted to share. Dr. Hara didn't seem to know about them either, so it was likely Asuka decided not to talk about them either. He wondered if she blamed him for the scar. Had his inability marred her beauty? At this rate he would never know and it wouldn't matter anyway.
When he noticed that Asuka was hanging on the arm of some well dressed guy, he decided to leave. He didn't need to see that. The anger that started to boil up scared him. Maybe they were right after all. Keep him away.
Exiting the store he found one of his Section 2 agents waiting patiently outside. Unlike before the incident, they weren't subtle. It was either a continuous message to him to keep in line, or just that they feared him that much. His agents were a rotating cast of five individuals. Tonight was his lead agent. Shinji had to think for a second before the name came to him: Hiroyuki Kosaka. Normally, Shinji was very good at remembering names, but he was a little out of it when they were first introduced, so the name took effort to dig out.
Agent Kosaka was imposing, but not in the way that made it look like he spent all day in the gym. Well, he did fill the uniform nicely, so he probably did spend some time. The difference was that where a lot of the agents had that overdeveloped muscle look, he looked more lithe and agile. The kind of guy whose muscles were toned for combat, strong but effective and efficient.
The agent gave him no room to choose his next path, "No more stops tonight. Back to your apartment."
The apartment was a unit on the far side of Tokyo 3 from where he used to live. It was like they wanted him as far as they could from NERV and the people there, but still close enough to keep an eye on him. There was a new joint UN and JSDF base located nearby meant there was a lot of "protection" for him. He hadn't been out of the prison long, but the monotony of his new routine was starting to wear on him.
Shinji would wake up early like he always did. Make a simple breakfast. Clean up and get ready for an online class. Twice a week a tutor was sent to his place to give him some in-person instruction and at the end of the week to test him on the material they covered. Shinji had elected to pick up a couple extra lessons beyond the standard curriculum. On the advice of someone he really didn't know if he could trust, Dr. Akagi, he took up learning English as more than a passing ability. She explained that the UN was largely influenced by the US and Germany now, so any hope of earning more freedom would mean earning their trust. This would be easier done if Shinji could actually speak the languages. He took up German as well, but he had ulterior motives for learning that language.
Learning two languages wasn't easy, and German was easier to read than to speak. English came easier to him, but he still struggled. It would take time, but being a prisoner meant he really didn't have a lot to do anyway.
After his classes were done for the day, usually by early afternoon, he would go about either reading, getting his homework done, or whatever else he could come up with to fill the time. Every Monday he was required to report to the Therapist. Dr. Setsuko Hara was assigned to him like his Section 2 agents. Ostensibly she was to keep an eye on his mental health. Shinji still suspected there was a more sinister motive, but she was beginning to make him doubt both of these reasons.
He was allowed to leave, but his movements were occasionally corralled to keep him away from certain areas. Once, early on, his agent had stopped him dead in his tracks, held him in place, and stood in front of Shinji blocking his view. A little confused at first, but through the courtyard of the NERV facility he had caught the last tresses of red with a female agent following along behind her. They were very serious about keeping him from Asuka.
Once a month he would make a written report to Misato. She remained both his commander and his guardian. The content was scruitized as was anything he sent out was. They never seemed to censor his words, but any contact that came the other way was heavily redacted.
Kaji was alive and hunting SEELE. Misato was commanding NERV. Pen Pen was eating well. Misato had cut down on the drinking. His friends were okay. It was all very nebulous. Just enough to only grasp the edges of information.
Later in the evening Shinji would prepare a small dinner, finish whatever homework he had, bathe again, and then head to bed. After months in an actual prison, it wasn't so bad, but the monotony was still aching. He wondered if this was what an EVA felt like, only being let out to do what it was designed to do, and his purpose as a weapon would hopefully never come again.
With a nod to Agent Kosaka, Shinji began his trek home. His agent stayed dutifully behind him. Upon returning home the head agent passed the duty off to a subordinate who was to stand guard at the door all night. Eating his snacks, Shinji cracked open the journal he was supposed to write in. The blank pages just stared back at him. Hours passed, but eventually he gave up trying. The only words that were written were, "I'm tired."
Sleep barely visited him that night. The nightmares came in harder than usual. He was forced to relive what he almost did to Asuka. Realizing what he was about to do, he decided to cover her back up, but he came so close to violating her or just using her that it disgusted him all the same. She seemed to know as well.
Then it was the memory of waking up on the shores of the GeoFront lake. Unit 01 was off to space somewhere far above. Unit 02 was knelt down above him but still towered over. Asuka wasn't walking as much as stomping her way to him. He barely had time to get to his feet when she grabbed him by the collar of his plug suit.
"You fucking uselss, perverted, piece of shit! You want to go destroy the world?"
"What?"
"Don't 'what?' me? Misato was screaming. If she didn't warn me to stop you, it would have been the end of us all! Is that what you wanted?"
"No, I just...lost control."
Being punched by Asuka wasn't all that surprising, but this time she put her back into it. He saw stars, and without her holding him he fell to the ground. The kicks to his stomach were also full force knocking the air from his lungs.
She screamed, "After everything you've done. After I just found Mama again, you tried to take it away!" She was fully enraged, but crying at the same time, "Fuck YOU!"
Shinji wasn't fighting back, but it also wasn't long before military personnel showed up. They restrained her, and put his hands in cuffs. Shinji was forced to his knees on the ground and he could hear Asuka screaming at the men. Somewhere in the midst of it all he felt something press against the back of his head. A metallic click sounded. He was going to die. Oh well, in the end it didn't really matter.
"Stop!" Came the order. "Hold your fire, that boy is not to be executed!" The voice was Misato's. He heard her checking in on Asuka calming her down. Then she readdressed the soldiers, "By the order of the United Nations and JSDF, Shinji Ikari is to be taken into custody and evaluated."
There was an exchange he couldn't hear, but the words from Misato, "...in a prison cell...life…" came through.
Asuka's mood seemed to have changed, "What? A cell?"
Misato responded, "The UN is declaring him a weapon of mass destruction." There was a pause before, "It was the only way to keep him alive."
The soldiers began roughly pulling him into a vehicle, but Shinji could hear Asuka protesting. He would never understand Asuka. One moment she was ready to kill him, literally. Now she was upset he was being sent to jail? Maybe she was just missing her chance to get revenge on him. Still, not long ago they had fought side-by-side for their lives, and seemed to be on roughly good terms again.
As that nightmare faded, it went back to the moment before the spear was thrown at him. He remembered being in his mother's arms. She was promising him an eternity of happiness with her. She was going to show him the universe. As fuzzy as his head had been, he would have gone along with it, but then he heard her cry.
He heard Asuka's cry of pain. Unit 01 was floating above two Production Evas stabbing at Asuka's Unit 02 and one had landed a blow on her head. Probably caused the scar he saw later. He let a raging roar of his own out, and while he couldn't move he instinctively set out an AT field. Though invisible to the eye, it was powerful enough to knock the units off their balance. It gave Asuka the window she needed to fight back. With two quick stabs they were dead through their cores. In another fluid movement she took the spear from one of them and sent it his way.
He felt it pierce his chest, even though it was just Unit 01's chest. It made him pass out again. His mother was there again. She gave him a choice. To come with her, or to stay. She warned him, it wouldn't be an easy life. He didn't care. He thought he found a purpose here. He would wake up on the shoreline some time later.
Shinji woke up a good two hours before his alarm. His heart was racing, and he felt like he had been screaming in his sleep. He got up and took a long drink of water. Eyeing the journal on the table, he threw it in the trash. It was pointless. They either wanted him dead or in prison. Nearly a full year in a cell and no one had done anything. If Misato, Kaji, Rei, any of his friends, or Asuka cared, they would have found a way to see him. This was all just some theatrics to make it seem like they wanted to help.
Calming down from his rage, Shinji began to cry. Sniffles lead to choked breaths, which lead to sobs. In a city so full of people he once again began to feel truly alone. Giving up, he sent a message to get a special session with Dr. Hara. If nothing else maybe he could at least vent to another human being.
Dr. Hara was going through the reports again. The request from Ikari..no Kaji was unexpected, and she wouldn't let such a chance go to waste. There had to be something in here she could use. Some bridge for the boy to reach out to the world again. He was so wound up in pain and anger and guilt, that she had to find a delicate way to unwind him. If he let it all out, it would be destructive and force him to ball up again.
She wasn't sure why she was chosen to help here, but when the request had come in from the joint panel of UN, JSDF, and NERV to work with the son Gendou Ikari and the boy who almost started a Third Impact, how could she pass it up?
Meeting with the panel for the first time showed they had very strange ideas about the boy. They had this idea that he was some kind of agent or tool for Gendou Ikari to come back to life and seize control. It was either that or Shinji was as unstable as dynamite. One bump too hard and then it was all over.
It was shocking how they looked at the violent fight the two pilots made against those Production Evas and the Near Impact event, and to conclude that Shinji Ikari was clearly the guilty party, the dangerous one. They were not foolish enough to not pursue and execute SEELE, or to let Fuyutski go free. The man was as complicit in the Near Impact as Gendou was.
Gendou was dead. This was a fact in her mind. Dr. Akagi, who was working on a short leash to help redevelop NERV, seemed genuine enough now in her recovery. She was a broken person as much as the pilots, but was working through her own demons. The guilt would sit in her for a while, but word is she had her own support structure to help her. Dr. Hara had no doubt that she had helped end things that day by putting a bullet in the elder Ikari's skull.
Misato Katsuragi had seized the reins shortly after the events that day. She was working on her own short leash, but clearly had authority. She was rebuilding NERV into an organization that used its tech and talent to help rebuild the world and improve the lives of all humans. She had two side missions. The first was to prevent the Evangelion technology being developed anywhere in the world again. A weapon so fearsome should not become part of anyone's arsenal. To that end, she had control of the last remaining model and it's pilot. Her other job was to head up the hunting of SEELE in all the dark corners of the world. Commander Katsuragi had placed Ryoji Kaji in charge of that.
Asuka Langley Soryu was her own ball of broken bits. SHe rivaled the young Ikar...Kaji in how skewed her worldview had become. She was tough though, taking the hits and kept moving forward. Still, her file was not what she was focused on now.
Shinji Ikari, otherwise known now as Shinji Kaji to roughly hide his identity. Commander Katsuragi wanted to fully adopt him, but the UN had prevented such a thing. She was lucky to retain some kind of Guardianship over him as she did with Soryu. Also, her name was too well known. Put a Shinji and a Katsuragi together in Tokyo 3 and suddenly the fairly typical looking boy stood out. Kaji was more than happy to lend the name, probably in some way to help Katsuragi. It was not her job to fix that relationship...yet.
Ikari and Soryu both had a major problem they needed to conquer before any help to them could be given. They had to learn to let themselves feel. To let the pains and fears run their course. While Soryu was jetting around the world like a movie star, she was burying a time bomb. Shinji just straight buried it under the grief. Either way those bombs would go off and ruin their lives further. It was better to get them to face that pain. That starts with letting them talk about it and express it.
As Dr. Hara paged through Shinji's paperwork and began making her own notes, crossing Ikari out and replacing it with Kaji, there was a short note from his past. She cross referenced with an itemized list she was given of his belongings. There were a couple things she circled. Maybe, just maybe, this was her key.
Picking up a phone, "I need some things from Shinji Kaji's belongings. How can I get them?" Listening for a moment, "I'll send you a list but it's just two small things." Another pause. "Today. I'll get the clearance from Commander Katsuragi."
At Dr. Hara's office, Shinji was clamming up again. His head was down and refusing eye contact. "You asked to see me again. Can you tell me why?"
"I don't know." He was tensing up. "This was a mistake. It was just some nightmares. I shouldn't have troubled you." Defeated, he looked like he was about to bolt before the shame got any deeper.
Dr. Hara closed her notebook and set it on a small table along with her pen. "Okay Kaji, let's talk. Right now I am breaking a lot of rules so I hope you hear me out." Not quite getting him to look up at her she spoke in a soft but commanding tone, "Hey, look me in the eye." That snapped his head up. "Thank you." She said returning to her normal tone.
"Listen I have a lot of restrictions both as a Therapist and as YOUR Therapist. So, right now I am neither. Right now I am Setsuko Hara, someone who cares. I can help you, but before that I need a little trust from you. In order to get a bit of that, I'm willing to risk my reputation and license. My whole future could be void from now on. Still, I think a little honesty might be needed here. Are you willing to listen?"
Shinji nodded in approval. He was guarded, but open enough.
"Good. You are hurting in all kinds of ways. It doesn't take much training to see that you suffer from the grief of your lost parents. Then you got thrown into combat. As a child that is unthinkable, but what's done is done and I can't go back and prevent that. Those two things alone would mess up even a stable adult. Then you injure a close friend, get alienated from the people around you, and nearly destroy all of humanity. Afterwards, you have what is essentially the whole world calling you a weapon. Kaji...Shinji, I can't begin to imagine the waves of pain, guilt, depression, and anger swirling inside you. I can promise I am here to help YOU. Not the UN. Not some shadowy organization. I was picked because your Guardian, Commander Misato Katsuragi, asked me to."
Shinji's eyebrows furrowed. "She doesn't care. She never once spoke to me all that time in prison."
"You really think she didn't want to?" Setsuko was not going to budge, "That woman is pulled in twelve directions at once, and at every turn she has the UN looking over her shoulder. She has trials to help prosecute and testify in. She is trying to prevent all out war using Evas as weapons. She is leading medical and technical development and trying to make sure it gets to everyone, and not just the wealthy countries. She is leading a recovery and rebuilding effort here in Japan. She is struggling to find political allies to help in every aspect after having all that trust burned. She is prosecuting a silent war against the many remaining agents of SEELE and to do that she is risking Ryoji Kaji's life to accomplish that. She does because he might be the only person she can trust to do it. She spends more time in the office than at home. She is trying to quit drinking I hear, not a simple task in itself. And she is doing it while trying to keep herself and a teenage girl from breaking down. You are all a bunch of broken people. All of you hurt in your own distinct ways. So she puts on a brave face and fights the wars she can. I'm sorry, but keeping Asuka from being used as a weapon by the UN and keeping them from killing you is all she can accomplish RIGHT NOW. Frankly, I'm impressed she manages any of it."
Shinji was a little taken aback but not sold, "That doesn't mean couldn't say two words to me."
"Actually she couldn't. She saved your life. That was step one, but that had consequences. Rules placed by the UN, not NERV, refuse any contact between you and any source of 'unstabilizing individuals that might trigger another Impact Event.' as they label it. That includes: Katsuragi, Kaji, any of your friends, Ayanami, and Soryu. I am not even allowed to tell you their conditions. Ayanami's existence alone is a closely guarded secret. Oh that reminds me, Commander Katsuragi is fighting the UN to recognize the poor girl as a human being. So another thing on her plate to fight for. She can only fight so many battles at once. She cares, trust me I know."
"How do you know?"
"Because after I was asked to do this, she met with me. She is the one who got my name in front of them. She said she was impressed, but she asked me to quietly do more than just the mission from the UN. By the way, my only purpose by the UN is to make sure you don't cause another Impact. She asked me to actually help you. To look after you, because she couldn't. Not yet. Trust me, she is working on it, but she needs time. They don't see you like we do. You know this. They see the weapon, the trigger to a Third Impact. They are afraid. We see a boy, and one that needs help."
"So what? I should just sit quietly in my 'cell' alone and be patient."
"No, you need to work on you. Your heart and soul is torn, let me help you heal it. In the meantime the more you help from your side the easier it makes it to help you. That is why you are picking up English and German. It lets you come off more familiar to them. Come to these sessions. Work with me so I can report to them how you are developing and getting stronger. If I can help you be more stable, someone who is dealing with their emotions rather than suffering from them, then I can help Misato open up the rules again. It won't be tomorrow or the next day, and yes it is unfair. You shouldn't have to do all this just to live, but it is the game we are in right now. Just, please, trust me. Trust Katsuragi. Trust Kaji. A little trust. I know that is hard based on your history, but please."
Shinji leaned back and soaked it in. Setsuko seemed sincere. He made a silent nod of agreement.
"Shinji, what the UN did isn't helping you, I know. They took you from what 'family' you have. It isn't healthy for anyone to be separated from those around them. I promise I will work with you. I will do everything I can to help you. I swear. I promise. It's the same I'm trying to do with Soryu."
Shinji's attention sharpened again, "You are seeing her as well? Is she okay?"
Setsuko stopped him, "I can't. I really can't. That is something private between me and her. Same as I wouldn't speak with her about you. You think if Katsuragi didn't trust me, that she would let me work with both of you?"
Something clicked in Shinji. This could all be a trick again, but just maybe it would help. "Okay. I'll do my best."
Dr. Hara picked up her notebook again and smiled. She had her foot in the door. "Then let's get to work. Tell me about your nightmares."
Over the next hour Shinji recounted the nightmare. He admitted the events that he hid the day before. Once he found no judgement from Dr. Hara they kept going.
She led the conversation to the events post Near Impact. He recalled the cell and the hours wasted. The few hours he was allowed out in a controlled area that never lasted long enough. Occasionally he would either see Dr. Akagi or some investigators from the UN. Even though he held no love for Dr. Akgai, she at least was humane to him. She started to bring him books to pass the time. The UN just wanted answers. They were finding new guilt to lay on him. Months went by before one day his door was opened, not by the traditional guards, but by his new head of Section 2 guards. Agent Kosaka guided the boy to the showers and some fresh clothes. Then, a series of lawyers explained the limitations to his new "freedom".
Dr. Hara let him know that behind the two way mirror glass she and Commander Katsuragi were watching. It was then that she was asked to help Shinji. Seeing an emaciated and pale Shinji sitting in cuffs at a table with literally the entire world against him on the other side, how could she not.
Dr. Hara then drew the conversation to times in the past that made him happy. There weren't many, but they were there. Shinji enjoyed cooking for his little family unit. He wished Asuka would say something nice about it, but to him it was a challenge to try to get that out of her. The couple times he had truly surprised her, were great moments. When he would see her face brighten on tasting the food. There was the time he saved Asuka from the volcano. It wasn't pleasant, but over time it was a proud moment for him. Not ordered or asked, he just did something on his own and it ended well. Of course it also saved Asuka's life so that was a bonus. Walking home with her. Watching TV with her. Playing with Pen Pen. Watching the stars with the city lights out. Laughing with his friends. He had to admit for a short period of time, his strange life was nice. Then he told the story of playing his cello when Asuka came home from her blind date. How happy he was to get that praise from her. He refrained from talking about the kiss. That was too private for him to share right now. It also seemed to be unfair to Asuka to tell a story that he wasn't supposed to share without her being there.
Dr. Hara stopped writing after this last story and unceremoniously pulled his old SDAT player out, placing it on a table near her. "No. I'm not giving this to you. It seems you have a habit of trying to ignore the world and yourself with it. I'm trying to help you, not coddle you."
The confusion breaking out on his face, "Then why do you have it?"
"Because I have a feeling you aren't going to write in that journal I gave you." She got a nod confirming her suspicion. "So while trust is our first step, the next is to give you the tools to help yourself. This starts with giving you an outlet. You like to bury your feelings. I want you to express them. If writing isn't going to work, I thought maybe we should try something more to your taste. Music."
"I've listened to music from that…" he pointed to the SDAT player, "for most of my life, but if it wasn't helping me, how will it help now?"
"First, this SDAT is a chain and carries too many other meanings to you. Secondly, because I think to you music is just so much noise. You hear it, but you don't listen and you don't express it. You played, and by all accounts well, cello for some time now. Your teachers all noted a talent but no feeling. You play the notes, but not the song. Still, when there was no reason to play, you kept at it. So I think there is something deeper here, but you didn't know to try to explore. I once read a paper about using music therapy by playing. What I want you to do is go home and play. I had them pull your cello from storage for you."
"Anything in particular?"
"No, nothing. In fact that is the point. Don't play a song. Just close your eyes and play the music of your soul. I'm not a musician so I can't express it, but find notes that match the feelings. There is no wrong or right. If you are angry, play 'anger'. If you are sad, play 'sadness'. Just try to let your feelings out as notes and chords. You aren't playing to anyone, or even to yourself. I want you just to express what is inside to the void. If you can find some relief in that, maybe we have something here. If not, I have other ideas to try next week. Can you try that for me?"
Shinji was lost. Dr. Hara's request was odd and didn't make much sense. The only emotion he had felt so far playing was the small pride when he did well and was complimented on it. The more complex the piece the more praise he got. His teachers rarely spoke of feelings other than keeping pace and beat. He had agreed to try though, "I will...try. I'm not sure exactly what I am supposed to do, but I'll try."
Dr. Hara looked happy. Shinji was cooperating. He was trying. "That's all I ask."
A/N: Well getting this story on its feet hasn't been easy. Lots of set up to get through. Lots of false starts. I know where I need to get to, but getting started sometimes is the hardest part. I hope you give me a few chapters before I get to the heart of this story. I need to build both for structure/setting and for character development.
I've been a bit unfair to Shinji in the story and I took some liberties to keep him isolated. I need him to feel isolated, even though it hurts me to do it. He really isn't at fault but that is something he needs to learn himself. In the end that is what this story is really about. Finding a way to use what you love to heal the damage in your heart.
With my recent move happening I am going to be super busy, but I will try to get the chapters out on a fairly regular basis. If you figure out what the crossover is, don't ruin it. I'd like to get to that part of the story. If I can get some more people to watch or rewatch it with Shinji/Asuka in their minds then maybe I'll have done some good in the world.
To all the reviewers from my other short works to this point: Thank You. Getting warmed up to write again was hard, but your kind words were encouraging.
Now, if only life would cooperate and allow me to get some work done.