AN- Thankyou all so much for the feedback on this short story. I appreciate it so much.
Huge Thank you to my amazing beta and friend Ashley.
*Desirous is a state of desire, want and craving
What was she thinking?
The irrational behaviours this man evoked in her were second to none. Last time she blinked, she was mulling over Elliot's 'I love you'. Now she's going on a triple date with a man named Mike she has zero interest in knowing anything about.
Fin had suggested it a while ago, she shut him down.
Fin had suggested it two months ago, she shut him down.
Fin had suggested it, spur of the moment, more than likely feeling guilty about his dabbling escapades at playing the roman god of Love, and to his surprise, she accepted.
The look of surprise and regret that spread across his face when she not only agreed but also suggested the triple date was comical, and if it had been in different circumstances, she may have even laughed out loud. Suffice to say, she had not laughed.
Olivia was dressed bad ass, the way she used to dress, the tight black dress style that used to have Elliot risking a neck strain injury in order to check her out type of dress, because that's who she was dressing for tonight, Elliot...not Mike.
As Elliot's phone vibrated against his left thigh, he hoped and prayed that when he looked at his message, it was a 'rain check' text. The last thing he wanted to do was make small talk with his work colleagues wife's sister and watch the love of his life engaging in flirtatious banter with some literature/art loving accountant with more than likely perfect hair and a history of attending charity gala's and saving orphans.
'Meet you in thirty; we have Daphne and Mike with us' – Fin
'Great,' Elliot thought to himself as he put his phone back in his pocket and clicked the lock on the clicker for his car. He made his way towards the restaurant, not entirely eager to settle in for next two hours of hell.
Olivia takes a napkin from the bar and wipes away the moisture before screwing it up and placing it to the side. The bar man was quick to put down the mat before her drink, and he smiled politely at her as she noted the text from Fin. Of course she was early; she's always early.
She hears her name being called from behind and typical Elliot is early too.
"Hey" she replies.
Elliot leans his forearms over the bar next to her and turns his head to meet her gaze. She can't help being absorbed by his smell. It's the same scent he's always worn, the scent that always provided her safety and security when she needed it the most, but now it's unsettling. Some other woman is going to get that scent tonight.
"You look good." He trawls his eyes over her, and he's not sure his heart skipping beats like this at his age is healthy anymore.
"Thank you. You look good too." She's sheepish. Why is she sheepish? This is Elliot.
Olivia looks down into her drink because this awkward silence, avoidance of conversation, and feelings are too much. If he's going on a date, it should be with her, not some blind setup. If only she hadn't been too afraid to lay her cards out.
He takes his drink and puts it down on the bar mat next to hers. What happened to the pleasantries of the last time they shared a drink together, the last time they were both dressed up? When their drinks were this close previously, they smiled, they chinked their glasses together, and they toasted to partners for life.
Now they sit in silence, filled with unspoken desires that far surpass lust and attraction.
"So..." Olivia begins. "You looking forward to your date?" The end of her sentence trails off into a mumble. She can't look at him, and instead she watches the whirlpool of bourbon she creates in the bottom of the tumbler.
"Are you?" he responds, his gaze transfixed on the swimming fish tank above the bar. Such a simple life they lead; bobbing about, around and around in a rectangular motion, rubbing against another fish if they like them, avoiding them if they don't. Simple.
She assess her answer before she delivers it because what is she to say now? 'I'm dreading it, Elliot because I only came here to cock block', or maybe 'I came because I hoped you would come to your senses and tell me how you feel without being in pain or drugged?'
Instead she goes with "Yeah, you?"
"Yeah," he sighs, taking a deep sniff and straightening his back to lift off the bar.
'Great conversation Liv,' he thinks to himself, trying to weigh up what's going on inside of her head, and when that proves to be an almost impossibility, he downs the rest of his drink, abruptly puts the tumbler on the bar, and gestures to ask for another.
The bitter silence between them forces flashbacks to that coffee shop after Olivia's stint in Oregon. Then they both sat awkwardly stirring their coffees, but now, their older, more complex selves have graduated to the hard stuff.
"Elliot, Olivia, you two are here early!" Phoebe shouts, front and centre to a small crowd of jittery individuals.
"Hi," they both simultaneously announce whilst standing up and moving away from the bar.
"Elliot, this is Daphne." Phoebe pulls her blushing sister to the front of the crowd, and Elliot immediately stretches his hand out to greet her.
'Could he possibly manage a bigger smile?' Olivia distastefully thinks to herself as she looks over his encounter with the Phoebe look-alike in front of her. She feels her lips curling as she observes the encounter but quickly rites herself back to her well-rehearsed poker face.
"And Olivia, this is Mike." Phoebe smiles as a very well put-together male confidently pushes past the others to take Olivia's hand.
"Olivia, you look absolutely radiant this evening, and I'm very pleased to meet you," Mike beams.
'Cocky bastard,' Elliot thinks as he protectively looks over this sure-of-himself guy.
What happened next was an absolute surprise to not only the people around him, but also to himself. Olivia giggled at her date, and for some inherent reason Elliot released an obvious, very irritated cough.
After realizing he had gained the attention of his dining companions, Elliot quickly reminded himself to play it cool and diverted his concentration to his date.
"Daphne, I'm so pleased we are finally getting to do this. Shall we take our seats?" His smile is false, but that won't be obvious on the outside. Gracefully placing the palm of his hand on the lower back of his date, he gently guides her towards the table.
Stood behind, Olivia slowly jolts her head back in surprise, moving it from side to side she releases a small sardonic giggle. 'Two can play at that game Stabler.'
Mike, in true gentleman form, pulls out the chair for Olivia, and in response, she very softly glides her fingertips across his shoulder, tilts her head, and thanks him.
Lingering behind and watching their setup unfold before their eyes, Phoebe clicks her tongue before grabbing Fin's arm and pulling him in closer.
"Do you think this was a good idea?" she reluctantly asks into his ear.
Fin turns his head away in quick dismissal. "Why you asking me now? You didn't listen when I told you no the first time!"
It had been fifteen minutes of small talk they'd all endured before Daphne offered some glimpses into her life. She liked animals and was a primary school teacher; she really was the ultimate "Miss Honey" Olivia had thought when listening to her reel off how enamoured she was with her job.
"So ...you have a son?" Daphne asks Olivia. "Phoebe mentioned him on the car-ride. Does your ex-husband see him much? It must have been so difficult co-parenting during Covid."
Olivia held onto the latest sip of alcohol she'd just taken into her mouth while she considered her answer to this very forward, slightly intrusive question. After finally swallowing, she looked at the self-satisfied smile of Elliot. The smug bastard was not going to get an answer to the question he himself has not yet bothered to ask, so she deflects.
"I think Covid was difficult for a lot of people for a lot of reasons, Mike." She turns to her date now. "Tell us, what is it you do?"
Elliot could have written a script for her response to Daphne's question. Deflection; classic Olivia. Part of him was pleased he wasn't going to hear Noah's parentage for the first time in a crowded restaurant. That was an intimate topic he wanted to discuss with just her. He wanted to know every detail, every aspect of her life; he didn't want a flippant response in front of strangers.
"Stockbroker," Mike responds.
Elliot raises his eyebrows and nods; the cap fit perfectly. Mike's persona reeked of high-flying Wall Street arrogance, and as he babbled on about his latest figures and investments, Elliot leant back in his seat and shot Olivia his own confident smile. This guy may think he's a charmer, but Olivia will see straight through him.
When Mike is finished talking, he inches his chair slightly closer to Olivia and not so subtly rests his forearm against hers on the table. When she smiles at him, he brushes the tip of his thumb over the side of her hand. If this was a situation before Elliot's return, she would have been flattered by the advances of this handsome man. Instead, she finds herself immediately looking towards Elliot, and the grin she emits is nothing to do with Mike. It's all for Elliot and his rather obvious, awkward shuffling in his seat.
"Everything ok?" Daphne asks, noticing Elliot's sudden tense composure.
"Yeah sorry." He turns to smile at her. "Shall we order some drinks?" He sends a friendly wave to the waiter who almost immediately attends the table.
Elliot's chirpy date instantly orders a margarita, Fin and Phoebe their favourite bottle of wine, Mike some top shelf whiskey, and when it comes to Olivia, she sits silent for several seconds.
"I just don't know what to get," she offers to the table, hoping she's not holding the waiter up too long as she mulls over the drinks menu.
"What about that red we shared at the non-wedding?" Elliot quickly pipes up before quickly realizing the maybe inappropriate question but fuck it; he was tiring of this game.
He wanted her, he wanted a drink with her, he wanted to talk memories, and he wanted to be the one sitting next to her. "I was going to choose a glass but if you want it to, we could share a bottle?"
Her eyes had settled on that particular wine several times since she opened the menu. That red would forever be more than an alcoholic beverage to her; it was a liquid memory, a memory of them, of their smiles in the moonlight that evening, and as much as she had wanted to choose it, she wasn't sure whether she could sit there opposite him but yet not with him.
"I suppose if you're already getting a glass we may as well get a bottle?" she offers, closing her menu down on the table and smiling to the nodding waiter as he heads off with his virtual notepad.
If there was a time that you could cut the awkward atmosphere with a knife, then it was now. The confused glances of Mike and Daphne to one another were not lost on anyone at the table, and it took Mike asking Daphne about her favourite breed of cat to get the conversation flowing again.
"Are you watching all of this?" Phoebe discreetly whispers to Fin behind the security of the lifted food menu.
"Trust me Phoebe, you'll get used to it." Fin rolls his eyes back to his wife. "I've had years of this."
The drinks were served, and apart from the longing gaze between Elliot and Olivia as he poured out her wine, they didn't pay any further attention to one another. They were both good people, and it wasn't fair to treat their 'dates' to an evening of pent-up eternal longing, so Elliot engaged in casual chit chat with Daphne. She was sweet, pretty, seemed to have a good sense of humour, but she wasn't Olivia.
Olivia was engaging in deep conversation with this Mike, and as much as he wanted the guy to be the biggest prick that ever graced the earth, he seemed to be quite decent after all.
"Excuse me," Mike offered to the table as he pushed his chair behind him and excused himself to the bathroom.
"Of course," Olivia nodded as she watched him leave. "Miss Honey" was in full force 'seductress mode' with the accidental touches and pushing aside of her hair. Olivia took a sip of her wine and rolled her eyes as she turned her head to the side, landing right on Fin's raised eyebrow look.
Busted.
"So Elliot, have you been to this restaurant before?" Daphne asks, curling her hair in her forefinger. 'Amateur,' Olivia remarks to herself as she listens into their conversation.
Daphne continues her discussion of how this place serves the best beet-cured gravlax around, and watching Elliot's clueless head bobbing and suggesting that he may have to try it causes Olivia to release a small chuckle.
"What's funny?" Elliot instantly looks up towards her, and she has to stop herself from making a spit take because the chortle was supposed to be internal.
"Nothing," she murmurs, looking for her phone in the hopes that there's some major emergency blowing it up to take her out of this awkward scenario.
"No Liv, come on. Tell me?" he probes.
Olivia sighs. "It's just you and raw fish, I didn't think you ate it."
"Things change Liv," he replies defensively, locking her in with piercing eye contact.
After a moment's pause she watches Mike return to his chair and indignantly mumbles under her breath, "Clearly."
The meals are served, and as everyone starts tucking into their chosen dish, Mike takes a short pause from his plate. "So Olivia." He turns to face her, and she covers her mouth with her hand because for a trader, this guy had terrible timing, and she'd just pushed a fork full of food through.
"How long have you been a detective?" he asks before acknowledging her inability to immediately answer and quietly laughs.
The words come out of nowhere. Elliot doesn't mean for it to sound antagonistic or protective, but apparently his inner feeling have an ability to just spill out when it came to Olivia.
"It's Captain," he blurts out.
"I'm sorry?" An irritated Mike glances over to Elliot.
"It's Captain," Elliot reiterates. "She's not a detective. She's the Captain."
She swallowed her food a few seconds ago but she's still frozen to silence. Elliot has always and clearly will always be protecting her. Even though he wasn't there to witness her journey through the promotions, he's clearly filled with pride over her accomplishments, and for the first time this evening, Olivia feels like she can no longer sit at this table.
She can't do this anymore, this isn't right, this isn't fair. This isn't how they are supposed to be. She goes to gather her things because she just needs out and she needs out Now.
"Look." Mike splays his hands across the table. "I gotta ask, am I interrupting on something here? 'Cos I get the feeling there's something going on." He gestures between Elliot and Olivia who both in turn look down into their glasses.
"Yeah I kinda get that feeling too," Daphne agrees.
They answer simultaneously, obviously defensive mixed with a little self acknowledgment.
"No, no. Not at all."
The table is filled with an ambience of uncertainty, and Olivia quickly takes out her purse, drops a few notes on the table, and stands up. "I'm sorry," she quivers. "I have to get home. The sitter needs me." It was the first excuse that came to her head and she used it. As she stands up to leave, Mike doesn't make any objections. Not surprising really.
Taking her coat from the back of the chair, she rapidly walks towards the side exit door of the restaurant. Her mind is fuzzy with emotions, and she can't think straight; the pressure in her head from holding back tears is monumental, but she can't break down yet. She'll be through that door soon and she can release it. 'Make it to the door,' she thinks to herself as she increases her pace.
"Liv!" he shouts after her, dropping his own cash and taking his jacket. He hates this; he's hated this whole evening. He just wants it to be him and her, but she's not stopping or slowing down.
"Liv, please!" he shouts again.
"No Elliot, let me go. Please," she pleads. She can't bare him to see her like this, not vulnerable, not sad, not needing him.
"Liv please, don't shut me out," he begs. He's never seen someone skirt around tables, waiters, and customers so efficiently in his life because he just can't catch up to her. Age clearly hasn't affected her agility like she once joked.
"Liv, slow down!" he shouts again, and she exits the side door into the darkened alleyway.
"Fuck," he whispers under his breath as she leave his sight, and he changes from a fast walk to a steady jog.
The alleyway is dark and deserted. It's a brisk walk to the street lights, and she needs to slow down, to stop, to breathe. The flashbacks of the younger days are sporadically filling her mind; the hugs, the car rides, the stolen glances, all the times they came as a duo, all the times they covered for each other, all the times they laid their life on the line for the other and...she breaks. The tears stream down from her face, and when Elliot shouts her name again, she eventually spins around to face him and unexpectedly shouts.
"I love you too Elliot!"
His body stills, and he abruptly feels his stomach churn. Is this feeling those butterflies people talk about?
He all of a sudden feels drunk, but it's not the alcohol from the meal because at the same time, his palms are sweaty and his heart's racing. He hopes she can see how euphoric he feels right now, but she looks doubtful, like she's re-evaluating, like she's almost embarrassed.
Fuck this.
He can't let her feel regretful for a single second, and he quickens his pace towards her. She's waiting, watching his moves, her eyes dilating as he closes the proximity between them.
"El, I..." she stammers.
"Shhhh," he whispers as he delicately cups his hands on either side of her face. She locks her brown eyes into his blue ones, and he trails his thumb across her tear streaked cheek.
"I have always loved you Olivia Benson," he states with pure confidence, proud and in the way she needed to hear him say it.
She was done with games, done with pretending, done with hiding her feelings. She wanted to feel his touch so badly.
Pressing her face in closer to his, she allows the skim of her lips to brush against his. The warmth of the shared caress sends tingles flowing across her skin, only enhancing as Elliot takes over leading the kiss, gentle, slow, loving.
The momentary intensity briefly stops to allow him to trace his mouth down her jaw line. The love and lust mixing together into a heated desire causes her to unwittingly release a low moan. She's losing herself in his touch, and it's all she's ever dreamt of.
Elliot moves his kisses to her neck because the sound she just made was everything he needed to get lost in this moment that he had spent year's fantasizing about. Their joint desire builds with each kiss to her neck. If there was ever a spot to bring out her weakness for passionate lust, it was the stroke of his lips and slight graze of his teeth against her there.
She pulls away for a second to catch her breath.
"Are you ok?" he asks, but he's terrified of her response, because if she's not, he's going to fall apart.
"I'm more than ok." Her raspy voice consoles him, and she takes her turn to cup his face and pull his lips into hers. He doesn't waste any time in responding, and as his hands trail down her curves and land onto her hips, the weight of his body pushes her backwards, steering her hips until her back is firmly placed against the cold chill of the bricked alley wall.
Elliot isn't wasting any time in pressing the full power of his strong, well-built frame against her, and Olivia's gasp of excitement breathes into his mouth as the heat radiates between their adjacent bodies. Her lips reach out and brush against the soft, sensual feeling of his.
When he pulls away, the hands he has placed on her hips move up to secure himself against the wall. As she watches him encase her in between his arms, she involuntary bites the bottom of her lip.
"It took you long enough," he jokes, still in disbelief that this long-awaited moment finally happened. He smiles to her in awe, both of them no longer afraid to make the step forward, no longer afraid of the fall down.
"Well, I would have said it sooner but you, you know were awol for a bit," she quips back, letting go of any tension she was previously holding in the restaurant. She needed this moment, this kiss, and this final step to unlocking what they need to move on together without fear as to how it might end.
They finally had the ability to whole-heartedly be ready to love each other.