Fighting Destiny 4
Chapter 32 Unboxed
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Jax was inches away from Tara, but he'd never felt further away from her. Instead of bringing them closer, Baby Nate's death seemed to have frayed the bond between them.
At the cabin, they had put up a united front for Abel. He wanted nothing more than to hold Tara in his arms and find some comfort in physical contact, but Tara had iced him out every single time he tried.
This was the time when they should be turning to each other, but Tara was turning away from him. He couldn't believe this was all due to those stupid boxes. Maybe now that she'd done her box ritual, things would get back to whatever the hell normal looked like for them now.
He slept fitfully waking early and being unable to get back to sleep. He got up, went into Abel's room and watched him sleep for a few minutes.
Abel had been so excited when he got a big boy's bed. He and Tara had let him pick out the bedspread for his new bed. He picked out a brightly colored bedspread with big dump trucks and other large vehicles including fire engines on it. Abel would point at a picture and he would tell him the name until Abel could remember the names all by himself. He'd been so proud when he could name them without any help.
He wondered what Baby Nate would have been like at Abel's age. Now he was frozen in time, a three month old baby forever. A baby who would never have a future. He hadn't even lived to see his first Christmas, first birthday or even take his first steps. There would be no future for Baby Nate. All he would ever have of his son were his memories.
Jax hesitated before walking into Baby Nate's room. It hurt as much as he thought it would, maybe more. The boxes had all been stacked up. Without any thought, he neatened up the stacked boxes. He couldn't bear to see any of his son's belongings. It was like a knife twisting in his heart every time he saw even a picture of Baby Nate.
At twelve, he'd lost his father when he was mowed down by a big rig. It was a senseless accident. For months, he'd been filled with an all consuming rage because it was easier to feel that than soul crushing sorrow. It had taken him years to come to terms with the fact that the driver was never caught never had to pay any kind of price for killing his dad.
Over time, the anger had been replaced by grief until that consumed him for months. He began drinking and smoking pot—anything to numb his pain.
He couldn't let Baby Nate's death send him into a spiral of pain, drugs and booze. He couldn't climb into that black hole for a couple of years. Now he was an adult with adult sized responsibilities—a wife and son who needed him.
Jax shut his eyes remembering that last day with his infant son. He'd gone into his room and the second Baby Nate saw him he began smiling and kicking his feet with excitement. That was the best way to start a day seeing the face of his sweet tempered son.
Just as he'd had Baby Nate's things boxed up, he'd tried to box up his emotions to stay in control. When some time had passed when his emotions weren't so raw, he would start remembering and grieving the death of his son. If he did it now, he was afraid his grief would break him.
He fought hard to block out his grief to keep it boxed up. Despite his best efforts, it overwhelmed him. He sank to the floor of his son's room, tears streaming down his face.
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Author's Note: I've decided as this story is getting close to the end that I want to do shorter chapters and post more often until the story is completed.