A/N: (so I'm just copy/pasting this from my other fic rather than repeating) Hey guys, I want to thank you all immensely for your patience. I know it's been absolutely ages. It's just been one health nightmare after another for me right now. My main issues at the moment are that I've had an infection for months that hasn't responded to medications, my chronic pain has reached mammoth new levels and spread into my shoulders (this makes typing extremely difficult) and I now have blurred vision even though my eyes are healthy so the doctor thinks it might be neurological (turns out the doctor ordered the wrong MRI so I've got to get another one yay). The blurred vision is the most frustrating because it makes writing/proof-reading really hard because I'm concentrating so much on trying to see the words that it's hard to actually take in what I'm reading/writing - and since it's not my eyes, glasses don't help. So I've been working on this story in tiny increments and that's why it's taking so long. Because of my vision problems (and some serious brain fog) it's taking twenty times as long to do proof-reading and it's not going as smoothly. I'm not sure what the quality of my writing is going to be like from here on out. But long story short, I don't know how frequent updates will be. I don't think it'll be months like with this one but I seem to be getting a new health problem every week so I can't be certain of anything right now. I was so close to posting this chapter a while ago and then my vision got a lot worse and I couldn't manage it, so I've realized that I can't really plan anything anymore. Real sorry about this.

Again, thankyou all so much for your patience.

Yumiko rubbed at her eyes, straining to keep them shut against the assault of light streaming mercilessly through their bedroom window. She stifled a groan, resisting the urge to turn over and sink back into the comforting embrace of sleep.

She had a nice, stolen pillow to bury her face in, after all. Would be a shame for it to go to waste.

Despite the fact that she could hear the sounds of Alexandria's other residents already going about their day, it was still earlier than she liked to be awake. Yumiko would have preferred to sleep in again, as she'd been doing almost every day this week - an indulgence on her part, that she'd given herself leave to partake in (considering everything they'd been through, it seemed only reasonable that she treat herself a little) - but that idea had gone out the window when the woman in her arms stiffened abruptly. The transition from soft to hard had roused her haltingly from sleep, the loose muscles against Yumiko turning rigid.

"Magna?"

They'd almost always been attuned to each other's moods, even without being awake, and she opened her eyes to the distinct feeling that something was wrong, even if she couldn't for the life of her determine what.

The body in Yumiko's hold was tense, a direct contrast to how it had melted against her whilst drifting off last night - clearly, Magna was no longer relaxed in sleep. Yumiko wondered whether she'd had a nightmare - hardly an irregular occurrence for either of them - and cautiously lifted her hand from its resting place on Magna's stomach to glide a reassuring touch over the expanse of her bare arm. She kept the contact light, wary of the fact that sometimes, after a nightmare, touch could be both terrifying and oppressive for the other woman.

But it could also be comforting.

She wouldn't know which end of the spectrum Magna was inhabiting right now until she responded to the action.

To her relief, she exhaled at the contact, some of the stiffness in her muscles releasing with a puff of air. Yumiko allowed her arm to relax so that it was no longer hovering, afraid to descend, but instead came to rest more comfortably around Magna, the stroke of her hand increasing in confidence.

The other woman's voice, puncturing the silence, almost startled her.

"I need to have options," Magna exhaled, muted frustration and desperation tangling together in the one sentence.

So, not a nightmare then.

Or not just a nightmare.

Yumiko blinked, struggling a moment to catch up, before their conversation the other day settled in her memory and she haltingly put the pieces together. "I know," she murmured, stroking Magna's hair. If she hadn't been aware of this fact when they first met, thirteen years had made it more than clear.

"Do you?"

There was a definite bite to the question and Yumiko frowned, before settling more firmly against Magna's back a second later, refusing to be baited. "I do."

She knew that Magna hated to be trapped, cornered. That she hated it almost as much as she hated not having a backup plan. A way out.

(there always had to be a way out. And God help them if there wasn't)

Perhaps one of the things that had spooked Magna about their relationship was that there hadn't been a way out - and so she'd made one.

Blown a hole in the wall of her trust and skittered through it, escaping before Yumiko could blink. Uncaring of the ruins she left behind. Or simply refusing to see them.

Yumiko swallowed, tightening her hold. "But sometimes that need hurts you - and other people."

Magna shifted uncomfortably but didn't refute it. A few years ago, she would have. A few years ago, she would have snapped, shoved Yumiko's arm off her and stalked out of the room - likely to subject her to the silent treatment for however long she deemed necessary.

(Magna had always been a high achiever when it came to the art of passive-aggression)

But now, she was willing to listen. Even if she didn't like what Yumiko had to say. That revelation eased some of the tension in her own spine and she placed a soft kiss to Magna's arm, exhaling as she felt the muscle ease slightly under her lips.

"I don't think the need itself is wrong, or something you have to discard," Yumiko continued softly, still stroking her hair, hoping that the reassuring touch would make the words sound less like an assault. She didn't want Magna to think she was attacking her. She wasn't. Yumiko just dreaded the thought of anything like this ever happening again. "But the way you go about meeting it? I think that could use a little work." Magna was stiff against her once more and she placed another light kiss on her shoulder, hoping to soften the tension. "If you need something, if you feel trapped, tell me. And we'll see what we can do about it. Just don't lie."

(Yumiko couldn't handle any more lies.

Any more deception.

She'd had her quota for a lifetime)

The other woman let out a breath, expelling some of the tightness in her body, and Yumiko relaxed slightly. She hoped Magna hadn't been stewing on this for long, though she knew her girlfriend too well to hold out much hope for that.

Likely, the battleground of this internal conflict was well-worn, littered with craters and shells.

This was simply the first time Yumiko had been allowed to step foot onto it.

"Would you really have helped me and Kelly with the stash?"

"I don't know," she murmured. Because she had to be honest. She couldn't ask Magna to be truthful and then turn around and lie to her. "But I would have done everything I could to make sure it didn't blow up in your face. In any of our faces. And if I didn't agree and you went and did it anyway then. . . I would have been pissed." Extremely. "But not angry. And definitely not hurt. Because we don't have to agree on everything in order to be together. We're two different people, who've led very different lives. And sometimes we're going to disagree." The next kiss she placed on the edge of Magna's jaw, heart skipping a beat when she felt her tremble in response - Yumiko didn't know if it was from arousal, or distress at such a tender touch. Sometimes, gentleness was harder to stand than violence. Love was harder to bear than hate. At least, such had always seemed to be the case for Magna. "But no disagreement could ever make me stop loving you."

Whenever they'd had arguments during the first few years of their friendship, Magna had always seemed utterly flummoxed to wake up the next day and discover their relationship still intact. Yumiko suspected that she hadn't been used to conflict that didn't breed disastrous results - the little arguments and disagreements that were part and parcel of maintaining a relationship with another human being, any kind of relationship; the tiny bumps in the road that smoothed out with care and patience, that at times proved to make that road even stronger. No, Magna's experience lay with a different breed of conflict. Brutal conflict. The kind that escalated into fights and slamming doors, bruises and parted ways.

In the beginning, there'd been only two reasons Magna would ever instigate an argument between them. The first was when something in the conversation or environment had triggered her: rage, fear or shame would come rushing up, rampaging past all sense and rationality. During those times, Yumiko had often been left playing catch-up, struggling to understand how a peaceful conversation had suddenly turned explosive. Later, after Magna's anger had cooled enough for her to toss it out of the driver's seat, it had been rare for her to voice her feelings. Normally she'd just shut down. And although Yumiko had always been able to sense when this happened, she'd rarely been able to determine the cause because Magna would refuse to tell her. It was like trying to fill in a crossword puzzle with only half the clues.

(healthy communication had never really been their strong suit)

The second reason for a fight had been when Magna wanted to push someone away - that someone all too often being her. Some of their most ridiculous arguments could trace themselves back to that impulse and, over the years, Yumiko had begun to recognize the pattern, relaxing as, with time, it grew more and more sparse.

Which was why their recent fallout had completely blindsided her.

She'd thought they were doing better. That Magna was doing better.

Clearly, she'd been wrong.

It made her uneasy, wary of making the same mistake twice. Things seemed alright now, but hadn't they seem that way before?

At least, at first. Yumiko still couldn't pinpoint the exact moment things between them had changed, though she could trace the descent to a few weeks before the Whisperers had returned to the picture. Whether Magna had started to pull away internally before then, Yumiko couldn't say. Hadn't a clue.

It was frustrating. And anxiety-inducing.

She hoped that Magna would take her words to heart. That in the future, if something was bothering her, if she felt that urge to run, she would speak up - before she unhitched the wagon of their relationship and watched it hurtle downhill.

That she was speaking to Yumiko about it now - even if the conversation didn't pertain to their relationship but to the stash - was promising. At least, she hoped it was.

Baby steps.

Magna shifted, turning slightly and craning her neck to face her. Yumiko knew the conversation had made her uneasy - upset her even - but Magna's expression was free of any such turmoil, relaxed in a way she hadn't seen it all week.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," she confirmed.

Her mouth lifted slightly and Yumiko smiled in return, receiving a brief peck on the lips. Warmth and contentment swelling inside her, she waited for Magna to turn back over before shifting closer, burying her nose in the other woman's neck.

The faint smell of honey rose up to greet her and Yumiko breathed it in, enjoying the way Magna shivered slightly in response.

If this was a sign that her words had been heard, then it was certainly a promising one.

Towards the end of that first year out of prison, things between them had taken a turn, an infinitesimal shifting of gears that would ultimately change their relationship for the better. A newfound confidence - or perhaps security - had begun to take up root inside Magna. The first evidence of that transformation appeared when the two of them became engaged in a heated debate over knife legislation, both falling down on opposite sides of the argument - and sticking furiously to their guns.

The conversation had been more emotionally charged than any of the debates Yumiko was used to but what had made it so memorable was the fact that Magna had started it. She'd chosen to disagree with her and risk creating a divide between them in the process - and not because she'd wanted to push Yumiko away.

Magna had stood up to her, defending her own position and refusing to back down.

Yumiko hadn't realized the significance of the moment until it was over and they'd been settling in on the couch for another movie. But when she had, she couldn't stop smiling for the rest of the night.

She'd known it was the first step on a path to things being alright, to some of Magna's demons losing their hold.

Over the years, as she slowly became more secure in her relationships, Magna grew increasingly at ease with asserting her rights and voicing her complaints - not for the purpose of pushing people away, but in order to be heard. Magna had always been good at standing up for others, less so at standing up for herself. Yumiko suspected that she'd never really seen it as worth the effort.

(or perhaps all attempts in the past had been beaten down so frequently - and brutally - that she'd ultimately given up)

Yumiko was glad that had changed, or that it had at least begun to. She knew that Magna never would have confronted her about her decision to retreat that night at Hilltop back in the early days of their friendship - not unless it had been her goal to provoke, to create a tear in their relationship (something which happened so often it had become almost routine for a time).

Then again, maybe that argument had been an attempt to push her away.

But even if that was true, Magna's words had held more honesty than her usual attempts in that regard. Whether or not she'd been using them as a means to push Yumiko away, she'd meant them. That much was obvious. In the past, when Magna had wanted to drive her away, she'd often done so with vicious insults and accusations that held little truth to them.

(though in regards to those outlandish accusations, Yumiko sometimes wondered whether Magna believed them to be true, despite how ridiculous and unsubstantiated they appeared)

And so, by confronting her on those steps, Magna had communicated her feelings instead of shoving them down as she all too often did - as she'd been doing for almost the entire time they'd been at Hilltop. She'd stood up for herself.

And whilst Yumiko had been too frustrated and taken aback to acknowledge the fact at the time, she was able to do so now and found that she was grateful for it. True, she could have done without the argument, but not if it meant Magna locking away her thoughts and pretending she didn't feel the anger - or the hurt.

She never wanted Magna to keep silent just so they could avoid a little conflict. Especially if it was something that bothered her as much as having her opinion dismissed so clearly did. Yumiko had stayed silent with Nicole. Thought that it would make things better, improve the situation.

It hadn't.

And it had taken time to learn how to speak again after it was all over. To not fear the power of her own voice.

Yumiko had learnt since then that staying silent out of fear only tended to breed more conflict. You couldn't fix something if you didn't even know it was broken in the first place. You couldn't apply a change if you didn't know there needed to be a change.

In many ways, she and Magna had been learning that hard truth together over the years, though Yumiko had been granted a bit of a head start. She'd had other people in her life to test the theory out on, before she'd ever even known of Magna's existence. But for the longest time, Magna had only ever had her. And she'd needed time to feel safe in their relationship, to develop trust, before she'd gained the confidence to test the strength of it - and thus risk breaking it completely.

And then they'd formed a group, introduced new people into their lives, shaking up the security of their dynamic but also creating an opportunity to branch out, to grow. As the years wore on, she'd seen that tentative confidence in Magna set down roots and begin to flourish.

But still. Sometimes it was hard for her. Yumiko knew that.

And she knew that it was hardest most of all with her.

Because, out of everyone, she was the person Magna still couldn't bring herself to believe would stay.

And all too often she responded to that fear by provoking an even bigger argument than her over-enthusiastic paranoia had warned her about in the first place.

She responded by pushing Yumiko away with enough force to move an elephant.

And that force could be bruising.

Sometimes, it was hard to remember that when Magna showed every sign of wanting her to leave, that was when she most needed her to stay.

But that didn't soften the blow of her push.

That didn't make it any easier to bear.

But it did make it easier to understand. And to forgive.

When Yumiko lifted her head, she could just make out the edges of Magna's face, could glimpse the crest of her smile, still enduring. She hated to see it fall, but she knew there was more they had to discuss. More things to disagree on. Best to get it all over with in one go.

"You know," she started, trailing a finger over Magna's shoulder, "Hilltop and Alexandria aren't like any of the other communities we've seen. People aren't just looking out for them and theirs here. They're looking out for everyone. Because everyone here matters. And everyone deserves to survive." Out of everything, it was this that had made Hilltop feel most like home. At least for her. "I don't feel right stealing from these people. Do you?"

There was a pause and as the silence stretched on, she bit her lip.

"No." Yumiko's arm rose and fell with the force of Magna's sigh. "I never did. . . But I care about us more. I always have. And I don't think that's something that I can change. I'm not sure I want it to either."

Caring about more people meant having more people to lose. She could understand why that would be an unappetizing prospect for the other woman.

"I care about us more too," Yumiko admitted. Likely, she always would. Over the years, their group had become her family. Not a replacement for the one she'd lost, but a surrogate of sorts.

And she would always protect her family. Before everything else.

(in the way she'd failed to protect her first one)

She would always protect Magna before everything else.

"Just not enough to do the wrong thing," her girlfriend muttered. There was a trace of bitterness to Magna's tone, covered by a fine layer of bemusement, as though she couldn't understand why it wasn't enough - when it always had been for her. Yumiko winced at the edge of self-loathing she heard there as well, buried deep. No doubt triggered by yet another reminder that Magna operated differently from her, differently from everyone.

She shook her head, wanting to dispel that notion before it had a chance to sink its teeth in. "Sometimes it's enough. Sometimes it's not."

Daryl had asked her what Magna would do, if it ever came down to their group versus everyone else.

He should have asked what Yumiko would do. What she was capable of.

But she was thankful he hadn't.

She wasn't sure either of them would like the answer, once it was brought into existence.

She cared about Magna more than she had ever cared about anyone in her life.

But there was a cost to that. One she would willingly pay, if it came down to it.

Even if it meant she couldn't live with herself after the fact.

Yumiko would kill to save her family, to save Magna. And she would steal.

But only if she knew there was no other way.

And that wasn't the case with the stash. The stash had been a preventative measure, a security net - not a necessity. And that made all the difference to her, even if it didn't for Magna.

This, perhaps, would always be a dividing force between them. But she wasn't going to let it tear them apart and she could only hope that Magna would join her in that effort.

Yumiko sighed, snuggling closer, relieved when the other woman pulled her arm tighter around herself, giving it a firm squeeze instead of resisting the closeness. "There's real trust here. And I don't think we should be in a hurry to break it."

She wanted to be able to trust people again - and be trusted in return. She wanted Alexandria to be the home she'd been so certain Hilltop would become. There were so many threats from outside. So many dangers. A thousand ways to die.

But in here, inside these walls, they could be safe - from each other, if nothing else.

And they could live.

Yumiko wanted to live. She wanted all of them to live.

Not just survive. Live.

But she wasn't sure if Magna wanted the same thing. If she even understood the difference, after a lifetime of enduring the first.

Yumiko certainly hadn't. Not for a long time.

"I know," Magna said quietly, after an uneasy amount of time had passed. "I like it here too." Yumiko smiled at the confession, threading her fingers through the ones resting over hers and holding tight. There was a sigh and Magna shifted in her hold, turning slightly so their eyes could meet. "But if it comes down to it, don't ask me not to protect you."

Yumiko swallowed but gave the hand in hers another squeeze, stronger this time. "As long as you don't ask the same of me."

Magna hesitated, but nodded. This was a compromise they could both abide by. Turning back around, she nestled more firmly against Yumiko, body relaxing once again in her hold. "Okay."

Okay.

"What do I always say about having options, huh?"

- The Walking Dead, season 9, episode 7

"You screwed up, Magna."

"We didn't know how things were gonna play out. I wanted us to have options."

- The Walking Dead, season 9, episode 6

A/N: [IMPORTANT !]

so I'm really stressed to the max right now because I've got the rough drafts for about five fics (all multichap) after this and the plan was to get them done before s11 aired but that's impossible now. And that's stressing me out because I'm worried that something will happen in canon that will contradict the backstories or personalities of Yumiko and Magna as I've written them - like Yumiko having a sibling. If that happens, how much will it bother you? Because the only way around it would be to throw out the whole drafts and there's about 150,000 words there so. . . I can't really do that.

I've written up a LOT of backstory for Magna and Yumiko and I'm ninety-nine percent certain that most of it - as well as the motivations and personalities I've crafted for them - are going to be completely obliterated in s11. It all matches up to s9 and 10 but after that it looks like Magna and Yumiko are probably going to be pretty OC in these fics. And because it's not just story ideas but actual chapters and drafts - and everything is interconnected and deeply dependant on A happening in this part of the story and B happening in this part, etc. - I can't just rework or throw out stuff without actually throwing out all of the fics.

I don't know I'm just really stressed about it