The sun beats down on the back of my neck and I can feel a drop of sweat slide down behind my ear. I look up to the sky and feel the warmth fill my cheeks, you can't get sun like this in Alaska. I reach into my back pocket and pull out a cigarette, the one habit of Jesse's that Matthew couldn't shake is my nicotine addiction. The fact that it carried over into another life makes me feel like it is here to stay. I light the cigarette and feel the warmth fill my body from the inside this time. I pull it away from my lips and exhale the smoke, my hand falls to my side and is shaking so much I worry it will slip right out of my fingers and waste my brand new cigarette or set my goddamn pants on fire. That would be exactly what I need, drawing attention to myself at a funeral I'm crashing. I mean I guess I wouldn't be crashing it considering it's my own father, and of anything it's more like I'm lurking since I am standing here behind a tree like a fucking coward. I keep telling myself I am doing this for the consideration of everyone else, the shock and anger that would come from my mom alone would ruin the whole goddamn thing. Not to mention that the only person who is dead she would want to see showing up at this funeral is certainly not me. I know deep down I couldn't face them either, I distanced myself long before everything went to shit and it makes me think I shouldn't try and mend something that was already so broken. I'm onto my third cigarette by time they are lowering my dad into the ground, everything about this situation is fucked up and yet all I can do is just watch from afar and hope everyone is too wrapped up in their own grief to even notice I'm here. My hand brushes against my beard as I take another drag of my cigarette, my Alaskan man beard and sunglasses probably help keep my identity pretty incognito, but someone on the run for as long as I have can never be too careful. Yet here I am standing somewhere all too familiar. The whole atmosphere reminds me when Combo passed, the lines along my finger that I spot with every drag only remind me further of death. It seems like it follows me around here in New Mexico, so much so that yet another death lured me back here all the way from fucking Alaska. I toss my cigarette and step on the bud before I turn and walk away, everything seems like its wrapping up and that cigarette bud can be the only trace I was ever apart of this day. I get in my car and start driving down the road, everything is so familiar here its like I never even left.
I take my drive nice and slow, just soaking up nostalgia of it all, not everything was bad about New Mexico. As I drive down the street I find myself laughing at the thought of my Alaska plate, I bet some kid is sitting in his car driving around with his family wondering how the hell my car made it all the way here. At a stop light I look out my window to see the Crossroads Motel staring back at me, I pause for a second like I expect to see Wendy walking around the parking lot looking for some crystal or a customer, usually both. I stayed many nights at that motel and I honestly didn't expect it to still be up and running but I've got the impression that this town is consistent. Even without blue sky making its way around there is always going to be some sort of drug, and that means there is always going to be junkies that keep that cheap ass motel afloat. Even if I knew for sure that it was still around I wouldn't have stayed there, too many people could possibly recognize me and not to mention the amount of DEA officers this parking lot attracts. The light turning green catches my eye and I keep making my way forward without giving the motel another look. I pull into the parking lot of my hotel and walk through the lobby and up to my room, I close the door behind me and lay down on the bed and let my mind wander. Being in a hotel always makes me think of Jane. That conversation we had when I survived the desert after that cook, it wasn't anything deep but I just remember how I felt, how Jane made me feel. Thinking of her makes me feel the tears begin to pool in the corners of my eyes, I think about her from time to time but something feels different about being here. Being where she lived, where she died. Where I loved her.
I wipe the corner of my eyes and can't ignore the lines on my finger yet again, I got the tattoo for a reason but it hurts even more being here and living with my guilt. My sins. I open the mini bar and take every little bottle of liquor that will fit in my hands, its a place to start. I down one after the other and yet still don't feel a buzz. I think all the drugs, all the meth probably, fried my tolerance levels and sometimes alcohol on its own doesn't do the trick. Before I know it the mini bar is empty of anything I want, anything I need that will make me feel better. I stand up from the floor and feel a wave of dizziness crash over me, but it soon passes and I can walk like regular Jesse and not drunk Jesse. Fuck, not Jesse, I am Matthew. Of course in all places that I am going to get plastered and screw up my name is going to be here, where the name Jesse Pinkman actually means something. I make my way to the elevator and hopefully pick the right button for the lobby. It was a little tricky when they were dancing all around like that. The ding of the elevator still rings in my ears as I walk out of the building and look out to see the setting sun. I hold up my arm and wave in the direction of an oncoming cab, he pulls up to the curb and I gracefully stumble into his back seat. The old Jesse wouldn't care how fucked up he was to drive, I used to snort crystal in my car and then race all over town deep in some sort of emotion induced by the drugs. It was typically range. But, I can't get caught driving drunk, DUI's cause way too many issues and raise way too many questions about why my prints don't match my ID's. You would think with how much money I had to fork over that the fucker would just give me a brand new set of fingerprints but that just would have been too easy. Walking down the side of the road drunk isn't a great idea either, I could get arrested just as easily for that so a cab is absolutely the way to go. Suddenly the thought of being in the cab brings my ears back into focus and I suddenly realize the guy has been talking to me. "Huh?"
"I said, where do you want go?" He is clearly already pissed that a drunk asshole wandered into his cab.
"Take me to a strip club" The words just pop out of my mouth and soon a bubble of laughter explodes out of me. I can't remember the last time I had been to a strip club, definitely not in my time in Alaska. The thought of some poor little Alaskan strip club makes me laugh even harder. Soon I can't tell if my body is shaking from laughing or from the bumps in the road along my journey in this poor guys cab. I begin to control my laughter and wipe tears from the corner of my eyes, this time from pure joy and no more of that sad bullshit. I am here in the town I used to run, I am already buzzed and am ready for about 10 more drinks. I can't remember the last time I cut loose and had fun, I may be an old man now but so much of my 20's was fucked up that I never got to experience enough of nights like these. The cab comes to a halt and I reach into my pocket and pull out a $50, I have absolutely no idea how much it costs but I doubt its anything close to what I'm handing over. "You can keep the change" I mumble and then get out of the cab and look up towards the big bright sign that reads 'Midnight Mystery'. It's not the sexiest name of a strip club but I mean I'll take anything right now that can get some more alcohol into my body and a nice view isn't too bad either. I walk in and can already feel myself sobering up as I sit down at the bar, a woman with a low cut tank top and long brown hair that spills down her back, she gives me a quick smile as she pours a drink for another guy sitting at the bar. When she is done she turns to be and gives me another one of those smiles.
"What can I get you?" When she asks I look around at the bar but I can't seem to focus my eyes on any single bottle.
"Anything that will get me drunk" My words aren't quiet slurred when I speak and I return the smile.
"Coming right up" She pours something into a glass and soon its in my hand I down it. I don't even bother to notice if it burns going down. I hold my glass out to her for her to fill it once again. I put the full glass up to my lips and prepare to drink every last drop when the flash of long blonde hair catches my eyes. I turn myself so I am facing away from the bar and can take the full view of the floor, along with the whole view of her. Her hips bounce gently as she walks, she is wearing a thong of some type and I can see the entirety of her ass. Her hair goes down to her waist and is slightly wavy, if I'm being honest just the small sight of her has taken my breath away. I get up from my seat and follow her across the floor, my legs are moving quicker than my brain can think. The only thing I know right now is that I want to be next to her. When I catch up with her I touch her shoulder ever so slightly and she turns around to face me, swinging her long hair all around and filling my nose with the sweet smell of strawberries.
"Do you want a dance?" Her voice is as sweet as she smells and her face is beautiful. Her eyes are a piercing green color and she has defined cheekbones, like model level cheekbones. When I look at her I feel like I should be looking at her in a magazine and not right here in an Albuquerque strip club.
"Yeah" I feel like I am under some sort of spell when I look at her and I can't manage to say anything else. She takes my hand and leads me to a private room so we can be alone. When she is walking I notice through her long hair is a some sort of tattoo poking out on her shoulder blades. It looks like wings of some kind. I am still fixated on the essence of her when we get to the private room and she turns around and I now notice her bra is matching her thong. She sits me down on the couch leans down over me, I reach up to brush one of her long locks out of her face and let my fingers linger across her cheek. I stare at her baby pink lips and want to kiss her more than anything right now. She throws the remaining hair in her face over her shoulder and lays down in my lap. This isn't my first time at a strip club and I know that I'm not allowed to touch her but she has her hands running all along my chest. It is pure bursts of electricity with every touch and I feel my breath catch in my throat. She leans back and unclasps her bra to reveal some of the most beautiful breasts I've ever seen. I can only assume every inch of her is drop dead gorgeous. Her nipples are small and hard from the slight breeze in the room.
"You like that baby?" She leans in close to whisper in my ear and it sends chills down my spine. I don't even feel like I can respond, I don't know if the alcohol is finally setting in or if she just makes me feel like my head is spinning. During the course of the dance I try and memorize every inch of her, she is the closest I've felt to someone in a really long time. I don't even know how much time has passed but she is getting up off me and I reach into my pocket to give her the first bill I pull out, it happens to be a $100. Her face lights up and I just wish I could spend the whole rest of the night with her.
"Let me buy you a drink" I blurt out as she is grabbing the money out of my hand.
"Okay, why not" She tells me as she is putting her bra back on grabs my hand once again. She laces her fingers together with mine and we walk out of the room together and back over to the bar where I began my night. I sit down on the stool and she moves one over so she can sit as close as possible to me. The same bar tender from before is there and gives me that same smile, but this time is doesn't hit me as hard when I have this goddess sitting right next to me.
"Esmerelda, I see you have brought him back for some more to drink?" The bartender says with a grin to my mystery girl who I guess is named Esmerelda evidently.
"Yeah I guess so, why don't you get us what he was having earlier" Esmerelda tells her coworker.
"Coming right up" The bartender tells us and I almost miss it as I am so focused on Esmerelda taking my hand back in hers and I feel the warmth of her palms against mine. We are soon both handed a drink but this time I just sip, not urgency to forget anything about this night.
"God this is strong" She laughs as she chokes back a cough, I can't tell if my tolerance is simply just higher because I am already a bit fucked up or if her young age means she is just an inexperienced drinker. It hasn't gotten past me that she is clearly in her early 20's and nowhere near my age but there is something magnetic about her that I can't ignore.
"I can get you different drink if you want" I offer her and notice that my own drink is almost gone, I can't even keep track of how much I've had to drink tonight already.
"It's okay, I really shouldn't drink much on the job anyway" She sets down her glass and reaches up to run her fingers through my beard, no one has been this close to my physically in so long that I truly can't remember the last time. "What made you want to buy me a drink?" She asks suddenly and her hand hasn't moved from my face as she speaks.
"I just wanted to spend some more time with you" I say bashfully, I finish off my drink and feel the warmth filling my body.
"What is your name?" She leans in close and whispers the question in my ear. I wasn't sure before if it was her or the alcohol warming me from the inside but feeling her breath in my ear makes me know it is her after all.
"My name is Jesse" I lean in close when I say this without even thinking. She is the first person in 20 years to know my real name. It is like a weight has lifted off my shoulders and I don't even care that I just managed to royally fuck up for the first time in 20 years. Apparently Jesse Pinkman didn't just die here in Albuquerque, he was reborn here as well. She moves her hand back up to my beard and I feel her fingers creeping up near my scar, with that it's like a bubble has popped on the spell that has cast over me tonight. I don't want her to see my scars so I grab her hand to move it away from my face. I don't grab her hard but I notice she is startled a bit. She takes my hand and begins examining my tattoo on my finger.
"What does this mean?" She asks innocently because she doesn't know the true weight of this tattoo. I lean in real close again when I speak next.
"Would you believe me if I told you it's about how many people I've killed?" I break out into a sick twisted smile but she doesn't know that. I am laughing my head off but it doesn't seem to be scaring her away. "I'm sorry sweetheart, I can be a dick when I'm drunk" I continue laughing and watch as her face softens. It's better she doesn't know, better that absolutely no one knows the truth. The tattoo absolutely is about how many people I've killed, or people who are dead because of it. It is a simple reminder of my sins and my past, the little part that I just couldn't move past and could never forget. The blood was figuratively on my hands and the tattoo cemented the stain.
"Well would you believe me if I told you I wanted you to take me back to your place?" She purrs into my ear and I swear to god I can feel my dick get hard just from her words.
"I think I could believe that" What I can't believe is that I managed to be so confident through all the drunken haze.
"Let me go get changed and I'll meet you out front" She leans in a kisses my neck and then rushes off. I reach into my pocket and pay my bar tab and then walk out the doors. The warmth of the nigh air is something I didn't even realize I missed until this moment. I lean against a wall and light up a cigarette, I am almost done with it by time she races out. She is wearing jeans and a tank top and looks just as hot as she did in her underwear. There is still a bit of the cigarette left and I take it out of my mouth and hand it in her direction.
"Do you want any?" I ask her and watch as her face scrunches up, I must have offended her. "Oh fuck I'm sorry, I have a whole pack if you would rather have a brand new one" I reach into my pocket for the pack.
"No it's not that, I just don't smoke. My dad died from lung cancer so I haven't touched a cigarette ever" She doesn't sound sad but clearly I fucked up making her think about her dead dad.
"Fuck, I'm sorry" I can't seem to think of anything else to say. "Cigarette's are no joke, I've been smoking since I was in high school but I can't even remember what year that was but I mean I'm just about 45 now so I'm sure I've been smoking more years than not" I don't know why I keep rambling but I'm sure it didn't make anything better.
"Is that just your way of subtly letting me know you want me to call you daddy or something kinky like that when we fuck?" That makes me choke on the last puff of smoke and toss my cigarettes on the ground.
"Who said we were going to fuck?" I tease her and she moves closer to me and gives me a quick peck on the lips and takes my hand.
"Based on your state of intoxication I am going to volunteer to drive us to your place" She pulls her keys out of her purse and leads me over to her car. I get into her passenger seat of her car and still feel a bit bad about bringing up her dad, I mean today was my own fathers funeral and lead me to drinking away my sorrows in the first place.
"Hey, I really am sorry about your dad. I didn't mean to bring it up"
"Don't worry about it. He died when I was 2 years old so I don't really even remember him" She starts the car and turns to face me. "Want to see something that would probably blow your mind?" She has this grin on her face and it feels mischievous but mainly adorable. I nod my head and she reaches up to the top of her head and pulls off her long locks. Underneath reveals the same shade of blonde hair but significantly shorter, it is wavy and falls along her shoulders.
"Oh my god your hair" My mind really was blown, but not in a bad way. I just didn't even notice where her hair ended and the wig began.
"That bad huh?" She tosses the wig into her purse in the back seat.
"No not bad, I just expected a lot more hair to be able to pull on when we fuck" I laugh lightly and run my fingers through her hair.
"I thought that we weren't going to fuck?" She is the one laughing now.
"Well I drained my mini bar before I came out tonight so lucky for you there wouldn't be anything else to do"
"A mini bar? So you are at a hotel then?" She asks and I guess I failed to mention that when we got in the car in the first place.
"Yeah" Is all I can say before I close the distance between us and properly kiss her. I tangle my fingers in her hair as I kiss her over and over again. I feel her tongue make its way into my mouth and I feel like I'm in pure heaven. I move my hands over her boobs and wish that we were at the hotel already. I have absolutely no space in this car to do everything I want to do to her.
"Let me drive us to your hotel right now" She breathes out and then pulls away from me entirely to put the car into drive and get us the hell out of here. The whole time she is driving I just want to put my hands all over her, I feel giddy with excitement and lust. I give her directions as she goes and soon we are pulling into a parking spot in front of my hotel. I basically jump out of the car and it seems like she does the same. I try not to touch her until we have rushed past the front desk and the elevator doors are closing behind us. I grab her by the waist and pull her close, I feel like I could rip her clothes off here and now. The ding of my floor opens the door and I grab her hand and lead her to my room, I pull the room key out of my back pocket and I have to try a few times because I am too distracted by her nibbling on my neck and ears. Finally I get the door open and we quickly make our ways over to the bed. She pulls her tank top over her head and I pull her into another kiss, I lay her back and reach my hands behind her back to unclip her bra. I watch as it falls and she flings it across the room sending us both into a fit of laughter. As she lays down underneath me and I'm so close to her now that I notice she has freckles sprinkles all along her chest, they are light and I wouldn't have even been able to notice that before but thank god I can now. I kiss all along her chest and make my way down her mid section. I unbutton her pants and slide them off of her, she leans back as I take off her panties next and I make my way down between her legs. Her moans echo through my head as my mouth moves and I taste her center, I keep going until she is yelling out my name. I take my pants off quickly and lift my shirt to my chin and wipe my mouth off. I take my boxers off and make sure to keep my shirt on, I can't scare her away with the scars that run ramped across my back. I kiss her on the lips and slowly enter inside her, she moans again and I kiss the side of her neck as I go in and out, as our bodies become one. I can't remember the last time I had sex, I had a couple of one night stands when I moved to Alaska but nothing came of them, I was basically convinced I was unlovable. Yet here I am, back in New Mexico and its like nothing has changed, I am the same old Jesse I was 20 years ago.
"You feel so good" I whisper to her and kiss her right on the mouth. "I swear to god you are the best kiss I've ever had" I truly mean that. The last girl I had sex with and felt this close to was Andrea, I didn't deserve her. I loved her but I shouldn't have, it only got her killed.
"I think you have the biggest dick of anyone I've ever slept with" She giggles and kisses me again, I could melt under every kiss she gives me.
"Can I flip you over?" I ask and she nods her head in agreement. I turn her over enter from behind, I can see in full view the tattoo on her back. It is a giant phoenix, the detail is incredible. It is like each feather could fly off her skin. I trace my fingers over each detail and feel her begin to tremble underneath me.
"Are you close?" She asks me with shallow breaths. "Because I am and I want to look at you when I finish" I pull out and she flips around and is about to climb on top of me when she stops all of a sudden. "Have you had your shirt on the whole time?"
"Oh yeah" I am taken aback by her question, I didn't think she would notice. I pull it off and hope she won't notice the scars with her on top. She takes both of her hands and wraps them around the nape of my neck and kisses me passionately as she leans into me, making us one. I can feel the pressure building inside and I realize I didn't ask her how she wants me to finish.
"You can cum inside of me" It's like she can read my mind and I hold her close as we finish together. She gets off my lap and lays down besides me, I kiss along her arms and can't help but smile.
"That was amazing" I tell her and she nods her head in agreement with a smile on her face.
"Would you believe me if I told you that was easily the best sex I've ever had?" She twirls a lock of my hair with her finger.
"I couldn't have been that great" I know it was an amazing time but I am modest.
"Well the guy who took my virginity in high school had absolutely no idea what he was doing, and the guy after that wasn't as generous as you were tonight and then that leads to you. So yeah, I'd say you were the best I've ever had" She looks up at the ceiling as she lists off the surprisingly short list of sexual partners.
"Well thanks for the compliment, Esmerelda" I say and she kisses me once more.
"Oh yeah, sorry I didn't correct you before. My name really isn't Esmerelda, I just use that at the club so skeevy guys don't know my actual name. There was this video from my baby shower that my aunt said I was supposed to be named Esmerelda so that's how I picked it" She lays her head on my chest and snuggles up close to me.
"What is your name?" I lean in close to whisper to her, I am starting to feel the alcohol kick in, mix that with all the sex I just had I feel like I could piss out at any second.
"My name is Holly" She looks up at me and gives me a smile. As I look into her bright green eyes I can't express how happy I am that I came back here. When I left I didn't think there was anything good left about Albuquerque, New Mexico but she might already be my favorite thing about this city.
Authors note: Hi, so if you hadn't picked up from that ending that the mystery girl from the strip club is Holly White, but it isn't that easy, there will be many twists and turns in more chapters to come. I recently binged Breaking Bad with my fiancé and absolutely fell in love with the show and especially Jesse. I felt like El Camino did such a good job about giving him the ending he deserved but I felt like there was so much more left to the story, especially with Jesse dealing with his trauma and PTSD he might have. I thought of the idea of Holly becoming this love interest to Jesse because he was this carefree guy who had to grow up very quickly when everything went down after being tortured so I feel like while he biologically is an older guy he very much is stuck in the past age that he was. I do not think there is anything creepy about the age difference and because Holly was so young over the course of the show I clearly made a long amount of time pass to explore what happened to her as a result of loosing her dad young. It also will be important for Jesse to deal with everything that happened with Walter and Holly being this new person he loves will make him come face to face with that and helping Holly understand her dads undoing. I also never write anything this graphic but Breaking Bad is a gritty show and I believe I need to express that through my writing and this is most likely the most sexually explicit chapter but I can't make any promises. I just wanted to emphasize the importance of physical touch and the way Jesse hasn't been able to experience this in so long. I seem to just be rambling by now but please leave a review if you enjoyed it and I hope my explanation helps anyone who might think this pairing is weird understand where I am coming from.