A/N: Another week, another tumult of feelings to work through. So much to unpack, so here I am :) At the moment, I believe there is more here, but I'm not quite sure yet. But I had intended to write a hatefic for Kathy, because my treatment of her in Then Love Knew It Was Called Love (AO3 post) felt far too gentle after that episode. But somehow this doesn't read as hatefic...somehow I still have a soft spot for her

"What are you going to say to her?"

The question has been in Kathy's mind since Elliot announced Olivia's award ceremony and Fin's suggestion that they attend. Elliot sounded unconvinced about going when he mentioned it two nights before and Kathy hoped that meant that it wouldn't happen. It's been ten years of just them; without the pull of another's physical presence always in the mix. If they go back, she doesn't know what will come of it. If he sees her, Kathy isn't sure what will happen next.

So she does hope this is a passing fancy. A momentary lapse into old habits. That Elliot will decide it's too late to go back and give up the idea.

But then again, Elliot hasn't talked about Fin since the day he walked away from SVU, so clearly something is different now. She can't put her finger on it, and that's what concerns her. Why now, after so long? What made him call Fin when he's sworn he hasn't been in touch with Olivia all this time? What's changed?

She looks over at Elliot as he steps out of the bathroom and watches his biceps flex as he rubs the towel across his body. He looks far too good for his age. Meanwhile she's birthed and raised five babies and the evidence of it criss-crosses her body. Sometimes she feels a little jealous about it; it seems a little unfair he gets to look like that. Sometimes she feels a little insecure.

"Huh?" He responds, absently, pulling on a pair of boxers.

"Olivia. When you see her...unless you decided you don't want to go?" She tries not to sound hopeful as she asks.

He looks at her finally, where she's sitting on the bed. She's holding a book but her eyes have been staring uncomprehendingly at the same page for at least the last 20 minutes. "I ah - RSVP'd for us earlier today." He frowns and gives her that look like he's putting her under a microscope. "Did you not want to go?"

The thing is, there's been three of them in this marriage for a long time. For 22 of the 37 years they've been married, to be exact. She doesn't fool herself into thinking that the last 10 years don't count. The partnership may be over, but some piece of it still carries on. She'll catch him, staring off, distant, and she always knows where he's at. His body may be in Rome, but his mind is in New York. She's less sure of where his heart lies.

There's a look on his face that she associates with Olivia. A softness in his eyes, a pulling at his mouth, the distraction clear as day across his browline. His body stills, loosens as his head wanders. She knows then that he's out of reach, his mind an ocean away.

Twelve years he'd run to his partner the moment she called. Staying away while Kathy tried to keep their home life under control. The day he left SVU he stopped cold turkey, or so he told her. Like he had quit a bad habit. Left Olivia and SVU and the NYPD in one fell swoop.

Kathy had thought, or maybe more accurately hoped, that distance would help. Would allow Elliot to put Olivia squarely in the past. To know that his time with her was at an end. To leave her behind in New York. There were a million places they could go that Olivia wouldn't follow. But Kathy had neglected to account for the hold she had on him, the way her spirit had latched onto his and wouldn't let go.

So now she'll watch the smallest thing trigger the ghost of Olivia. The most innocuous moments seem to send him to another time and place. Just last week she'd caught him staring at a pickle jar, a strange smile mingling with the usual distant gaze. She'd looked away and cleared her throat and when she turned back to him, he was back in the present.

None of this was to say that she and Elliot weren't happy. Their lives were finally good, after so many years of struggling. With only Eli at home, the last kid still depending on them, they had more space, more time, more money, more breathing room to really live. And they did; gelato and museums and trips to the Amalfi Coast. She was finally living a life that brought her some peace and some joy. And if sometimes Elliot got that look on his face…well so what? She could live with that. It was certainly better than what she had before.

And he was happy too. She was sure of it. Even if he was missing someone else. He was relaxed now, all those home life stresses reduced when most of their kids were grown and thriving. And it was clear to her that leaving the SVU casework behind had been good for him. Even if he'd ultimately gone back to the NYPD, at least the victims were easier to handle now.

Sometimes life is about choices, sacrifices. Sometimes you can't have it all. She figures they are all better off like this. Even Olivia.

She used to pity Olivia. Kathy swore she could feel the woman's loneliness radiating off of her in waves. She'd watch Olivia hold her children and she could feel the longing in her. On days when Kathy was exhausted and fed up and tired of chasing around her brood of children and questioning all her life choices, she'd think of Olivia, and sigh in relief that she wasn't alone.

Then there were those times she wondered what she'd do without Olivia. Funny how the cause of your angst is sometimes the only one you can turn to. Olivia had done so much for Elliot, for them, that Kathy would feel a sort of embarrassment. All those times she'd sub in when Elliot couldn't be there, buying birthday presents or showing up to smooth things over when Elliot fucked up. Let alone the fact that Olivia protected Elliot, made sure he was alive and in one piece at the end of each day. And then there was the car accident and the way she'd clung to Olivia during the single most terrifying event in her life; how Olivia had been such a rock, had seen them through it.

So she wanted good things for Olivia, still does. She wants this person who always takes care of everyone else to have someone to take care of her. Because if Olivia doesn't deserve that, then no one does. Kathy just didn't think she should have to sacrifice her own happiness for Olivia's.

And so sometimes Kathy was sure that Elliot wasn't good for Olivia anyways. Thought often how unfair all of this was to Olivia; how much Elliot was holding her back from a real relationship, a family of her own. Could see in Olivia that no one else could measure up to Elliot and Kathy couldn't really blame her for that. Although Kathy was very aware of all of his flaws. Still, she knew that Elliot was a good man, better than most she knew. He tried, even if he failed. He was a good father, even if he wasn't the best husband.

Of course all of this was when she wasn't hating and resenting Olivia. Because from the moment Elliot had mentioned his new partner, she knew. The warning bells rang loud and clear and Kathy ignored them. Told herself that her husband had been partnered with women before, told herself no one was as loyal as Elliot.

But then he'd stopped talking to her. Six years at SVU and Kathy knew the pain and suffering that Elliot witnessed every day. Understood how hard it was to shoulder the burden of these stories, these traumas. He'd come home and hold her hand and tell her enough so that he could set down at least something and start again the next day.

But when Olivia came into the picture, that stopped. Suddenly it was Olivia he unburdened himself to. Kathy didn't understand why. Was it so hard to include her? What did it say that he didn't want to?

And so of course Kathy resented Olivia. Especially when she knew what this woman looked like, saw the way she looked at her husband. Saw how her husband looked at his partner. Most especially when she felt like the only one in the marriage, neglected and abandoned in favor of another.

But Kathy would bat this all away. Remind herself that Elliot was trustworthy. Tell herself that she just couldn't imagine Olivia crossing that line, with all her justice and righteousness.

But did it matter if they never slept with each other when they spent so much time together, when she was sure he'd rather be with Olivia than at home with Kathy and the kids?

So Kathy resented Olivia, because Kathy was there first. Elliot was hers and they had their kids. And here was this person taking him away from her without even trying.

Kathy looks at Elliot's questioning face. No, she doesn't want to go. She certainly doesn't want him to go. But she smiles softly and says, "If you want us to go, we'll go."

His brows unfurl when he gets the answer he so clearly wanted and he nods once in agreement.

But she can't leave well enough alone. "When's the last time you two spoke?"

His eyes dart to hers and quickly drop away. Towel in hand, Elliot moves to the bathroom, his back to her as he speaks. "I haven't talked to Olivia since I left. You know that." There's so much he's not saying. And she doesn't know if he's been in touch with her, or if he is just trying to hide how he feels about seeing her after so long apart.

"Ten years of not talking…Seems like it's going to be awkward." She responds quietly and sees Elliot pause next to the bed. She looks up into his face and sees that lost look he gets when things get too emotional, eyebrow lifting as he grimaces.

"You think so?" His voice is so soft she almost doesn't catch it. And she feels such tenderness for him at that moment that she actually wants to help. Elliot's like that sometimes. His toughness suddenly giving way to the little boy who never had anyone to rely on. Kathy would do anything for him in that state, even at the cost of her own happiness. So it doesn't matter in this instance that this is Olivia they're talking about, she just wants to help him.

"Maybe you should write something down? So you don't forget what you need to say."

Slowly he nods and then he looks over at her and one corner of his mouth quirks up in a half smile. "What would I do without you?"

And she knows he means it and it makes everything so much better.