A/N: Look, I'm not a Kathy apologist and she's no saint, but I understand her humanity. She's flawed and if she had done what Elliot couldn't do, and leave, we would have been in a parallel universe a lot earlier. But hey, I blame Elliot for that even more than I blame Kathy.
Anyhow, if you're not sure you want to continue reading because this all sounds too kind to Kathy, I don't blame you XD But, this is the last time you'll see her, if that brings you any comfort :)
Anyways, love as always to hear your thoughts!
Looking at the blank page, Elliot has no idea where to start. He fiddles with the pen, tapping it absently against the desk as his eyes move up, looking through the window. The walkway in front of the palazzo is especially busy and for a few minutes he watches the people walking by. As it usually happens, his eyes find a brunette, moving across the frame of his window. She's nothing like Liv - they never really have to look anything like Liv - but he looks at her pulling her coat around herself, the cup of coffee clutched in her hand, and he lets his mind roam to New York and stakeouts and Liv's laugh on a puff of clouded air on a cold morning.
Elliot closes his eyes and focuses, not on the letter and what he would say, but on where he might be now, if things were different. Maybe they'd walk down to that bagel shop near her place. Maybe they'd be holding hands. Maybe he'd be wrapping an arm around her so he could tug her close and kiss her temple.
The sound of the door opening startles him and he opens his eyes, clears his throat.
"Hey," Kathy calls. He turns as she drops a grocery bag on the kitchen counter, then rises to help her unpack. She looks past him, across the open living room, as he moves to her.
"What were you doing?"
He pauses before he answers, opening the fridge door, and beginning to move the food inside. "Trying to write something."
"The thing for Olivia?" His shoulders half shrug and she frowns at him. "You've been trying for the last two weeks. What do you have?"
"A blank page," he mutters and sees her confusion. "I guess I don't know what to say."
With the groceries put away, he moves back to the desk and sits again. Kathy's still staring at him, he can feel her eyes on the back of his head and he turns to look at her once more.
"Do you want help?"
The letter has been on her mind since she suggested it. Her idea, but she's terrified now of what he might say, scared that it's going to damage them and their life in Rome. If Kathy had her way, she'd put an end to all of this - the visit, the reception, the letter. If she had her way, Elliot would finally leave Olivia in the past. But Kathy is quite certain that visit or no visit, letter or no letter, Elliot will never do that. So now she has to accept that the best she can do is mitigate the damage.
Is that why she offers to help? Maybe. Some sort of self protective act to dilute what could happen. Because part of her worries that seeing Olivia again will reset time. That it will be ten years ago, and all of the work they've put into being a couple, to recommitting to their marriage, will disintegrate in front of her eyes.
Twenty years into the marriage she tried to walk away. She couldn't take the distance anymore, couldn't stand the way that Elliot was never around and no longer seemed to care. She thought she was giving him an out or the chance to fight for her. Instead he did neither, just waited to see what she'd do next. One of Elliots many flaws was his inability to instigate change. He always left it up to her, all the emotional work was hers to carry, hers to fight through. For a year he did nothing, so she filed the papers. Then for another year he did nothing. But all of a sudden, papers signed, he announced he wanted to come home. She'd thought about telling him no. But of course she still loved him, still wanted to be with him. She just wanted it to be better, like before. She wanted to force him into a decision to make it work between them, and now she was getting what she desired. Even if she wasn't sure he could manage it. Even if she knew his heart was still tied to another. Because she knew he still loved her, and loved the family they'd made together.
So they'd thought about picking things back up. And then the pregnancy happened and the decision was made.
Four years later, when he'd put in his papers she had been shocked. Amazed really that he was willing to upheave this portion of his life. And she'd thought finally. Finally he would be hers again. Like it was so simple. How naive she was. They'd left within six months, sold the house with the plan to travel. But Elliot was stuck. Every day she'd watch as some sort of depression rooted in him, grew deeper by the day.
She'd insisted on therapy, their lives were changing dramatically and maybe if they talked to someone again they could smooth the transition. But she wasn't concerned about the transition for herself; she felt excited, eager to start this new chapter.
But looking at Elliot, she knew that wasn't what he felt. Even if it had all been his idea: retirement, travel, family time. Instead of excitement he looked forlorn, instead of eager she wondered if he'd even meant any of it, dragging his feet on putting in the papers, selling the house, planning the next step.
But she'd done it, gotten him out and away and thought things would change. And slowly they did. By the end of the second year it actually seemed like he was enjoying himself, she just had to hang on for the ride.
Things were so much better after two years away that when Kathleen called with the news, the manhunt underway for the madman holding an NYPD Detective, the words left her mouth without thought. Don't tell your father. Kathleen had objected, of course. And she knew her daughter was right. That even if their family hadn't spoken to Olivia in two years, it didn't mean they should stay silent now. Just because she was no longer Elliot's partner, it didn't mean that what happened to her didn't matter, or that Elliot wouldn't care to know.
But Kathy just couldn't allow it. Because if he knew, he'd be on the first plane back to New York. And if Elliot went back, then what about her?
So for two days, Kathy waited, breath held, guilt circling her ribcage and tightening its hold. She scoured the papers before Elliot could see them, worried he might stumble onto it. She lay awake at night and wondered if she should tell him, because it just felt wrong not to. She prayed for Olivia, on her knees, rosary in hand. She prayed for forgiveness for what she was doing. Prayed harder than she had for anything in a really long time. Her guilt lacing every fervent word. She felt like a terrible person, and she was sure that she was. But she had finally loosened, just a little, the bond between her husband and Olivia, and she couldn't go back to the before.
And then it was over and Kathleen sounded relieved, recounting whatever details the news provided. And she could hear the guilt in her daughter's voice and she was sorry for it, truly. But she knew her child understood; why else had she called Kathy first instead of Elliot?
Kathy waited for Elliot to go out. She went online, ordered a bouquet of balloons and left the card blank.
Elliot's staring at her, surprise and maybe confusion on his face. "I can help…if you're having a hard time." She fights to keep her voice steady.
She's already forming the words in her head. The ones that will keep Olivia away. The ones that will force Elliot to let go. The ones that will quash any possibilities of Elliot and Olivia; past, present or future. The ones that will still be kind and generous and wish Olivia all the best. Because Kathy swears she's not a monster. Kathy promises she means well, even as the voice in the back of her head reminds her that she's selfish.
It looks like he wants to say no. To brush her off and struggle with this alone. After all, that's what he did when they left New York. He never spoke to her about his departure from the force, from Olivia. Never told her how his partner took the news. Just sat silent and brooding for months and years and even sometimes to this day.
So she expects him to say no. But then a look of resignation crosses his face and instead he says yes.
She's a captain now…do you think she'd be there if you were still her partner?
Kathy's words are still ringing in his ears as Elliot lays awake in bed that night. The letter is written, sealed up and tucked into his bag for the trip next week. But the words on the page are lies and he doesn't know what to do about them.
When Kathy had offered help he'd been ready to say no. This was between him and Liv, always had been. But he was stuck, there were no words. Just like when he left. Of the many reasons to not say goodbye to Olivia, not knowing what to say was high on the list. How could he explain himself? Short of confessing he was leaving because loving her was wrong, because he was married and couldn't leave his wife, what else was there to say? So instead he'd said nothing. Took the coward's way out. He thought himself brave in many ways, but when it came to Olivia he never learned how to be.
But there was another reason not to say no, beyond his own inability to figure out what to say. It was the look on Kathy's face, the fear he saw in her eyes. He felt shamed by it, angry at himself for hurting her, this woman who has stood by him through so much, who raised their children. Elliot tries not to think about it, but sometimes the reality of staying in his marriage collides with the fantasies in his head and the dissonance rings like a gong, trembling through him with its impotent rage. He loves Kathy, he's committed to her. He just can't seem to excise Liv and the space carved out for her in his head and his heart. Sometimes he recognizes that the space Liv occupies is more generous than the one he's left for Kathy. Sometimes he sees just how much it hurts his wife and he swears he'll do better, but he never does.
So when he saw the fear in Kathy's eyes, he acquiesced. Accepted her help and listened to her think out loud about where Liv was without him, wondering if maybe Fin said anything about Olivia being married or having a family. The idea churned in him, because he'd wondered the same over the years. And he'd always been grateful not to know. To continue to live in the fantasy of what could have been instead of the reality of what was.
He shook his head when she asked again if they had spoken, too weary to muster any frustration that she didn't seem to believe him. After all, who could blame her? He couldn't believe himself that he hadn't spoken to Olivia, even as he thought of her every day.
And when he still wasn't writing, Kathy had suggested he could copy down what she said and see how he felt about that once it was all down on paper. And so he'd lifted his pen and he'd let the words flow from Kathy's mouth, to his ear, through his hand, onto the page.
And when she was done, he'd read the words. The congratulations for all she'd achieved. The wish that she was happy and fulfilled. That he could see now that their relationship, their closeness was never real, just the job, just the stress pulling them in the same direction. That all of that got in the way of their separate lives, being who and where they needed to be. How clear that was when he sees how far she's risen without him. That if there is a man in her life, he hopes that he's the kind, faithful and devoted man that she deserves.
And maybe some of it was true. But too much of it was not. Too much of it was what it should have been, but what it never was. Because he knows that what he had with Liv was real. The truest thing he'd ever experienced in his life.
But Elliot had felt Kathy's eyes on him, the tense way she was holding herself together. And instead of balling up the offending words and throwing them away, he'd nodded and signed the bottom of the page. Because part of him wondered if this was just the right thing to do, even if it wasn't the true thing. He already knew he did a disservice to Kathy for the way he held on to Olivia. But he wondered if he was letting Olivia down too, even over this distance. If saying goodbye, letting go, or at least making the show of it was necessary. His life is here, with Kathy and Eli, not in New York with Olivia. He hadn't said goodbye when he left and he wonders if that's part of why he holds on. And if he's holding on, he wonders if she might be too. He wonders if it would be a kindness to help her let go, if she hadn't already, even if he'll never let go himself.
Kathy's still watching him as he folds the paper in three, slides it into the envelope and seals it. He turns back to her and smiles and she smiles back and that's that.
Except it's still there, turning over in his mind at 2am. So he slips out of bed, pausing to make sure Kathy is still asleep. Elliot moves to the living room, pulls out the envelope from his bag. He thinks about throwing the whole thing out, but now the idea of not giving Liv something, anything, feels wrong. Too many years away to return empty handed, shake her hand and walk away again. So he rips the envelope open and reads the pages again.
The words still ring hollow and he thinks that maybe if Liv read them, she'll believe them. Or maybe she'll know the lie for what it is. For all his thought of helping her let go, he hopes desperately that it's the latter. But if he wants her to know, then he needs to make it clear. He can't give her nothing and expect her to be so sure. Not after the way he left, not after the years of silence.
So he picks up the pen again and hovers over the page. There are so many words in his brain and he picks them up and tosses them aside, each feeling wrong; some going too far, some not up to the task. But then he does what he often does. He wonders where she is right now and wonders what it would be if he were there with her. And he thinks, maybe in another lifetime, maybe in a parallel universe. And suddenly that feels right. He's left enough space, luckily. And onto the bottom of the page, above the signature, he adds it. Elliot sets the pen down, rereads the words, feeling the perfection of them in his mouth, down into his chest. There's a surge of sadness, mourning the impossible, but he breathes through it. He refolds the pages, places them in a fresh envelope, puts the letter and the torn envelope into his bag and goes back to the bedroom.
As he lies down, he thinks of the final words and he finally relaxes.
But in a parallel universe, it will always be you and I.