A/N: When Bernie shows up this week and all of the below is entirely off base, what then?
Elliot climbs the stairs to the back entrance of the apartment, glad yet again that there were ways to enter without being seen. He's not sure how bad the situation might be since it had taken some time for Bell to reach him. If he was lucky, Kathleen had it under control by now. Of course, he wasn't lucky, as far as he could tell, so who knew how bad it might be now that he'd finally reached the house.
He can hear his mother yelling as he takes the final steps and pauses to take a breath before he enters. She's standing in the middle of the kitchen, screaming at Kathleen and Elliot raises his voice over the ruckus.
"Mama," He ducks in front of his mother, trying to get her attention. "Mama."
She squints at him before her jaw drops and she cries out to him. "Elliot! She's trying to make me take things! I don't want to take these pills!"
"Ok, ok." He wraps his arms around his fragile mother and looks over her head at Kathleen who looks worn out and near tears. Eli's in the corner by the fridge, watching everything wearily.
"Let's sit down, ok?" He steers her to the kitchen table and encourages her into a chair. "I'll get you a hot tea. How does that sound?" And when she nods tiredly he moves over to Kathleen and Eli to check on them.
"Thanks for coming, Dad. I just couldn't get through to her. I was worried-" Kathleen's shaking and he puts his arm around her shoulder in comfort.
"It's fine. I'm here. We'll get her settled."
He moves to Eli, squeezes his son's shoulder and reaches for a mug. For a few minutes Elliot and his children work in tangent to put the water on, get out the tea bags.
"You two ok?" They look at each other then nod quietly to him. "Tell me." He says and watches Kathleen shake her head.
"Keeping her on her meds…it's been hard." She finally admits as the water comes to a boil.
"I'm sorry that you guys have to deal with this on your own."
"It's ok, Dad," Eli finally speaks. "We understand."
And Elliot knows he's just fucking everything up. Not there for his mother or his children who have already been through so much lately. Just off, not being himself. Just off, risking his life because that was easier than being brave and facing all the baggage of his own life.
The doorbell rings then and he turns towards it, frowning. "I called Olivia," Kathleen says softly. "I wasn't sure if you'd be able to come."
"That's good, Kathleen." God knows how he'd ever do anything without Olivia. And he certainly wasn't going to complain about getting this chance to see her. They haven't really spoken since he finally, soberly, told her he was in love with her. The trafficking case closed out and behind them, there had been no more reasons to see her. He takes the mug of tea to his mother at the kitchen table as Eli turns to the door.
His mother reaches for his hand and he kneels down before her. "I'm so glad you're here, Elliot."
He hears the footsteps behind him and then his mother gasps, her hand tightening on his and he frowns at the stricken look on her face, her gaze directed over his shoulder. He turns back and sees Olivia standing behind Eli and he stands up, still holding his mother's hand.
"Olivia! Oh! You're here? You're - you're alive?"
Elliot flinches, remembering his mother's comment from a few weeks before and watches the slight surprise on Olivia's face before she forces herself to smile.
She moves past Eli and comes to kneel in front of her. "I'm fine, Bernie."
And his mother releases his hand in favor of Olivia's, grasping one of her hands between both of hers and he can see the tremor in her limbs.
"But that horrible man. I thought…oh, I thought he killed you. And I missed your funeral and I felt so bad!"
Elliot sees Olivia freeze, just for a moment, and he frowns unclear on what's happening. If this is just his mother's confusion, it doesn't seem like it should impact Olivia as strongly as it apparently has.
"I'm just fine, Bernie." Olivia repeats. "I came to check on you. Kathleen said you might need some help."
"Oh I'm much better now. Especially now that I know Elliot has his beautiful bride back." And Elliot feels the tension fill the room, aware of Eli somewhere behind him, Kathleen in the kitchen. Most aware of the way his mother grabs his hand and forces Olivia's hand into its grip. He's watching Olivia's expression, the surprise turning to discomfort and uncertainty. He can feel his mother looking happily up at him but he's staring at Liv, watching her eyes come up to his, her mouth parted in shock. And then her hand slips away and she stands and looks down at Bernie with a forced smile.
"Are you taking your meds, Bernie?"
"Pfft," his mother waves a hand at Olivia.
"You know you can't be skipping your meds." Liv says firmly.
And Bernie twists her mouth stubbornly but Kathleen brings a glass of water and the box of pills and he watches in astonishment as she swallows each one down.
"That's good, Bernie." Olivia praises and he wonders why he's surprised that Olivia can so easily get his mother to listen. After all, he's spent countless years listening to everything she has to say.
Olivia places a comforting hand on Bernie's shoulder and then she moves to the kitchen while the kids sit with their grandmother and Elliot follows Liv, as usual.
"Sorry about that." To which part he's not sure, maybe all of it and any embarrassment she suffered. Olivia just shakes her head but before she can say anything he plows on.
"What was she talking about? What man?"
Olivia's eyes come to his and there's something guarded in her expression. "It was a long time ago." She clears her throat and he thinks she'll give him more but she redirects instead. "How long has she been like this?"
"The dementia…about five years. Her tendency to not want to medicate with the bipolar and the memory loss and confusion of the dementia…it's a tough combination."
Olivia nods. "I'm sorry."
"When's the last time you saw her?"
She looks at him, that guarded expression again in her eyes. "Must be at least 7 or 8 years now." But he's sure there's something she's not saying.
He stares at her, troubled by how little he knows about his time away from her, how many more secrets she has that he has no right to.
"It seems like you have this under control. I should get going." She says finally and as she turns away, he reaches for her hand.
"Liv…" He squeezes her hand in his grasp and watches her eyes linger where their hands are joined before rising to meet his eyes. "Thank you. For everything. I don't…I don't know what I'd do without you."
She looks at him for a long time, then clears her throat and pulls her hand away as her gaze moves behind him. He glances back to find Kathleen watching them.
"Thanks Olivia." And he sees something in his daughter's face he can't quite reconcile. "I'm sorry to have bothered you. I mean Dad came and-"
"No," Olivia smiles at his daughter. "Don't worry about it. Call if you need anything. Okay?"
Kathleen looks a little relieved and he's surprised as he watches her walk over and give Olivia a tight hug. Liv looks surprised too, but returns it, waves at Eli and Bernie and leaves.
"Dad," Kathleen is looking at him guiltily as he shuts the door to the bedroom, Bernie finally asleep. "There's something I need to tell you."
He frowns, "Are you ok?"
"Yeah, it's not about me…" she sighs and presses her hand to her forehead then turns back to the living room, pacing.
"You're making me nervous." He tells her and she stops walking, turns to look at him.
"What grandma said today to Olivia…"
"She was just confused. You know how this dementia stuff works."
But Kathleen shakes her head. "She was confused, but some of it she had right, Dad."
He sits slowly and looks up at Kathleen, "ok…"
His daughter sighs and sits across from him. "Look, something happened a few years after you and mom moved away. And…I should have told you. But…" she frowns, near tears. "Dad, I told mom and she didn't want me to tell you and I guess I told her first because I knew how hard the two of you were working on your marriage. And I suspected you left the NYPD at least a little because…" Kathleen shakes her head but forces herself to continue. "Because you had feelings for Olivia."
He opens his mouth to deny it, but he can see that Kathleen knows and maybe all the kids do and he feels terrible for it, guilty that his children knew that he was in some ways unfaithful. So instead he tries to cushion it. "Nothing ever happened-"
"You don't have to explain to me. Really Dad. I just needed you to know first why I didn't tell you. And I really need you to know how bad I still feel about all of it. Olivia did so much for me, for our family, and I just fucked up the one time I could have done something for her.
Elliot's frown deepens. "What happened Kathleen?" His voice is hard now, the fear taking root because something inside him is very aware of how terrible it must be, because first his mother and then the look on Olivia's face and now the way his daughter looks.
"Olivia was kidnapped." She says softly, gently, like the tone of her voice can lessen the impact of the horrifying words.
He fidgets, stands, clenches his fists, sits again. He presses his fists against his head and Kathleen waits. This was the worst case scenario and he tries to remind himself that she's alive. That whatever happened, she made it out. But it's already no comfort.
"Tell me." He finally says.
And then he sits, body tense, as Kathleen recounts four days and victims and a trial and an escape and a suicide. And he knows it's just scratching the surface, because all his daughter knows is what the media said and he's sure it was even worse than every terrifying word out of her mouth.
"I should have told you. I should have reached out to her. But…" He can hear her struggling to excuse it and not finding any good reason to do so. He looks up and realizes she's crying.
He gets up and goes to her. "It's ok. It's ok." She wraps her arms around him and they hold on to each other as he tries to process it.
He thinks about Kathy knowing and not saying anything and he's angry, no doubt, but he can't ignore his part in it. He can't pretend that existing in the marriage the way he did wasn't part of the reason she lied to him. It doesn't absolve her, but he can't blame it all on her. He can't pretend he didn't help create the situation.
When Kathy died, he had told Liv that they were happy. And it was somewhat true. They didn't fight. They spent lots of time together as a couple and with Eli. Their lives were a lot easier than they'd been in New York, raising five kids, him always at work. But happy still wasn't really right. They were content, maybe. They had time to enjoy themselves. They ate well and slept in. And life was good in a lot of ways. But there was always the undercurrent of something else. There was always a distraction in him and he knew that Kathy was well aware. They stayed together and they ignored the rest of it. They told themselves they were happy in the absence of true happiness.
He encourages Kathleen to get some rest and then he heads back to his winnebago. That night Elliot sits and thinks about the mess he helped create. He thinks about those parallel lives that he'd always imagined. He wonders, as he has for twenty years, if he and Olivia were just not meant to be, or if the years he wasted could have been prevented.