Chapter 3
Big Tech
"Fascinating…" Gwendolyn Zapp mused, examining Gloria's brand new nose. "I never anticipated the formula could cause a mutation of this magnitude!" She poked at the growth, which Gloria found incredibly annoying. "And you say you've developed some sort of fifth sense in addition?"
"Yeah, my nose detects these… emanations from things. Some of them a good, like pie or flowers. Some are really, really bad. Like Herbert."
"Amazing," Zapp marveled. "It's said that our distant evolutionary ancestors once possessed this sense, before it became superfluous. Scientists refer to it as… the sense of smill."
"So… that's what I'm doing? Smilling things?"
"Yes. You see, objects emit tiny particles that have what we scienticians call an "udur".
"What, like a cow has?"
"No, U-D-U-R. Your nose has receptors that respond to these udurs, either positively or negatively. Your brain interprets this as things smilling either good or bad. It registers them as what we call "sconts".
"All this is really fascinating," Gloria replied sardonically, "but the reason I came here today isn't to get a science lesson, it's to find out what you intend to do about getting this thing off my face. Seeing as I don't want it there, and your formula is the reason it's there to begin with."
"I'm afraid it's not that simple, Gloria. We need to study all our data on your mutation and determine how exactly it happened before we can figure out how to reverse it. That's how science works, you know."
"Great, so, what am I supposed to do until then? Everybody's going to be staring at me.
"You could wear a scarf."
"It's the middle of summer."
"Hey, I'm not a fashion genius. Just the regular kind."
"Hey, why are you wearing a scarf? Don't you know it's the middle of summer?"
Gloria did her best to ignore the random gawkers as she made her way home. Her neck and lower face were sweltering, but at least it was better than having everyone stare at her nose.
Finally arriving at Elkins Street, Gloria's hopes of being able to seclude herself in the basement until hearing back from Zapp were immediately dashed upon seeing the mob of children assembled on the front lawn. Standing in front, of course, was Cricket dressed in a ringmasters' uniform. There was no way this was going to be good.
"Aaaaaand here she is, the lady of the hour!" Cricket declared. "Ladies an' germs, I give you… Bumpface!"
Gloria glared. "Cricket, what's going on here?"
"Showmanship, Gloria. I told all these kids about you an' they paid big money to see it."
"AND YOU'D BETTER DELIVER!" a green boy with glasses and no indoor voice demanded. "IF I DON'T GET THE FREAK I WAS PROMISED, I'M GOING TO BECOME EVEN LOUDER AND MORE ANNOYING!"
"Gregley, Gregley, Gregley… Gregley. Have I ever failed to deliver? Don't answer that."
"All I know is I paid twety bucks for this and I'm going to want my money back if I don't see some face bumps," Kiki replied sourly.
"Don't sell the cheeseburger if you ain't got the bun," added Weezie.
"You're charging these kids money… to gawk at me? Like I'm some sort of circus freak?"
"They're gawking with you, not at you."
"That doesn't make any sense."
"Look, I was gonna give you some of the money… once Tilly made me feel guilty about it…"
"When it comes to guilt trips, I am a seasoned traveler," the sister confirmed.
"Look, I don't need this, I just want to go hide in the basement where no one can see m- how much money are we talking about?"
"Oh, I dunno… I got a few moneys with this beard guy, a few of this grumpy-lookin' dude, one with this old lady…"
"THAT MU- Ooooookay…" Gloria didn't remember having this much money to blow when she was a kid. "What kind of share would I be getting, hypothetically… on the off chance that I actually agreed to participate in this nonsense…"
"Oh, I dunno, 80-20 seems fair."
"…you mean 80 for me, 20 for you, right?" Gloria emphasized. "Seeing as you have to give it all back if you don't deliver, which all depends on me… also, where the heck did you get a ringmaster suit in your size?"
"I got it online from CircusCirplus dot com," Remy explained. "You'd be surprised at what you can get same-day delivery on online. Let me know if you ever need slightly-distressed clown shoes or a feather headdress cheap."
"I'll keep it in mind," Gloria sarcastically replied. "All right, let's do this." She lowered her scarf, exposing the deformity. "Well, here it is."
The gathered children gasped. For a brief second.
"I'M NOT CONVINCED!" Gregley scoffed. "THAT COULD BE FAKE!"
"I'm disappointed by your wackwuster pwesentation," added Benny.
"C'mon, Gloria, you're not sellin' it," Cricket complained. "Ya gotta zazz it up. Add a little zowie. Make it too spicy for the pepper, you know what I'm sayin'?"
Gloria rolled her eyes. "Ugh, fine, you want zazz? I'll give you zazz." Her face took on a manic look. "Behold… the freak amongst your kind! Cursed with a hideous facial deformity! Behold as I… make it wiggle!" She flared what Zapp had described as "noostrals". "They move at my command! Who knows what else they can do!"
"How tewwiffyingly wepulsive!" Benny declared. "I sure am gwad I'm not a human anomawy."
"Your head looks like a giant lemon," commented Kiki.
"…hawsh. But accuwate," admitted Benny dejectedly.
Gloria continued to vamp for the crowd for the next half hour as it began to accumulate more and more rubberneckers, until the crowd became so big that it had become a public nuisance, attracting the attention of one Officer Keys.
"Excuse me," he said, do you have a permit for this gathering?
"Oh, thank heavens, the authorities," Bill said. "I've been trying to put a stop to this circus for the last twenty minutes, but it's almost like I haven't even been here."
"A circus, you say? I've always been a huge circus fan!" Keys replied enthusiastically. "Is there a tightrope walker? I've always secretly dreamed of being a tightrope walker…"
"Not that kind of circus, Officer."
"Oh, you mean in the metaphorical sense, as in a chaotic situation that is spiraling out of control. *sigh* It's never a literal circus. Except for that one time. Now that was a fun day!" He approached the crowd. "Oh, come on, this kid's even dressed up as a ringmaster! Talk about bait and switch." He groaned. "Son, I'm going to have to ask you to stop what you're doing. It's causing a public disturbance. Which it turns out there's a law against." He took out his phone. "Which I learned thanks to the handy-dandy IsItLegalInBigCity? app. Ah, what can't modern technology do?"
"Aw, man, Why is it I always get in trouble for doing fun stuff?" complained Cricket. "*sigh* Okay, everybody, show's over, no refunds." The grumbling crowd dispersed. Gloria wasn't sure how to feel. On the one hand, she'd been made a spectacle of, but on the other, it'd been kinda nice to be the center of attention. So this was what celebrity felt like… well, maybe she could get used to it. But it seemed fame would be fleeting…
Or so she thought until a limo pulled up in front of the Green farmstead.
"What now?" Alice grumbled. "Can't get a minute of peace around here…"
A flamboyantly-dressed man with a ridiculously large bright pink pompadour exited the limo with a flourish. "Greetings!" he declared, gesturing wildly with his cane, narrowly missing Bill. "I aaaaaam… Avant Garth!"
"…oh my gosh," Gloria realized. "You're Big City's premier fashion impresario!"
"Indeed I…" He posed dramatically, "AM."
"Well, that's great, but could ya be careful with that cane?" asked Bill. "You came ding-dang close to knocking me down to six fingers."
"I shall endeavor, but it is difficult when one is… LARGER! THAN! LIFE!" He punctuated each word with a dramatic pose of its own. "Speaking of… I am seeking a new face… a unique face. One unlike any other in this world."
"Pass," Alice remarked. "I ain't cut out for that life anymore. Not since my days hangin' with Randy Narwhal."
"You knew Randy Narwhal?" Gloria asked, impressed. The post-neo-anti-surrealist was one of her artistic inspirations.
"The sixties were a wild time," Alice admitted, thinking back fondly.
"Perhaps some other time. The face I had in mind this time… was YOU."
"Me?" Gloria asked.
"Yes! You! I see your face and I want to share it with the world!"
"Really? But… I have this thing in the middle of my face!"
"Exactly! You have something no one else has! I see the most beautiful women every day, and quite frankly, I've grown terribly bored. But you… you are different. You stand out. Like… some eye-catching train wreck."
"I don't know what I think about that."
"The point is… your face is impossible to ignore. The moment I saw you on Snapstafacetagramblr, I knew I make you my newest model. Come, miss…"
"Gloria… Gloria Sato…"
"Miss Sato… I… shall make you… IMMORTAL!" *beat* "Not literally, of course. I… I just want to make that clear. You will still age at a normal human rate and be vulnerable to injury and illness. You would be surprised at how many former models take that promise literally and attempt to take legal action."
"…yeah, no, it's fine, I understand figurative speech."
"Good, good, so long as we're on the same page, you see…"
"No, no, I get it. Look… I'm really flattered and all but I'm not sure if-"
"What my client means to say," Cricket interrupted, inserting himself between the two, "Is that she wants some time to think this over, but she is definitely interested."
"Ah, and you are…"
"Cricket Green, Miss Sato's manager."
"What?" Gloria protested. "Mr. Garth, this little kid is clearly not my-"
"So why don't you just give us your contact information, and, bingo-bango, we'll get back to you."
"Marvelous! My contact information is in the whisper of the wind, the scent of the morning dew, the laughter of a newborn baby… and on this card. Don't lose it, each one is crafted from the bark of a Joshua Tree."
"Wow," Cricket said, accepting it. "I don't know why anyone would name a tree Josh but that sure sounds fancy."
"And now… I must be off!" announced Garth, hopping back in his limo.
"Cricket, since when do you know anything about being a manager?" asked Gloria.
He shrugged. "How hard could it be?" He mimed talking into a cell phone. "You call that an offer? I spit on that offer! I hock a big gross loogie on it! You come back to me when you wanna talk serious. Until then, I'm gonna keep on spittin'! *spit* See? It's easy."
"And I will be your spiritual advisor," added Tilly, suddenly dressed in a robe and turban and holding a deck of cards. "Now, let's do a reading. Ah… the eight of diamonds. That a sign that you will be offered eight diamonds. And this card from the Croblins board game means that you should probably avoid gassy foods."
"Guys, I'm not even sure I want to do this…"
"But think about it, Gloria. You'll be rich, and famous, and you'll probably get to go to Paris like you always wanted…"
"Paris…" Gloria grew wistful at the mention. It was true… she hadn't exactly been on track to achieve her dream until now, and suddenly, through a quirk of fate and mad science it had suddenly dropped right into her lap.
"Plus, you'll be more successful then Emily…"
Gloria's eyes narrowed. "Emily." Her cousin had always been a thorn in her side, what with her effortless success. The promise of fame, wealth, and fulfilment were powerful motivators.. but spite? That put it over the top.
"Let's do this," she said.
"Don't you want to consult the all-knowing cards before you proceed?" Tilly asked.
Gloria started to protest, but she had learned during her stay with the Greens that you did not question Tilly's madness, you simply rode with it until you saw where it arrived. "Okay," she relented.
She drew a card from the deck. "Ah…" she said, "the expired coupon for fifty cents off Splish Minus One."
"And… that means."
"Proceed, but with caution… lest your coupons expire, and you must pay full price for Splish Minus One."
"I'll keep it in mind," Gloria commented.
CRICKET: And so, Gloria prepared to embark on an exciting new career, little knowing what sinister forces were at work…
GLORIA: You know people are perfectly capable of smelling things without noses, right? Like those skunks you let into Big Coffee that one time?
CRICKET: Oh, you… remember that happened… I'm embellishing details for added excitement.
GLORIA: I'm still getting an executive producer credit on this thing, right?
CRICKET: We'll talk. Next time… The Sweet Smill of Success!
A.N.: Also I did a thing for Amphibia! Check it out in the Amphibia section, surprisingly enough.