Chapter 6

"Stay frosty", Vasquez advised as they set foot on the hotel roof. "There's no telling what kind of security this place has."

"Security? Pfft," scoffed Cricket. "What kinda security could a hoity-toity place like this have?

Just then, the roof access burst open, revealing a very buff man with an eyepatch, dressed incongruously in Edwardian Regency regalia. He cracked his knuckles menacingly.

"Dragon Fang sends her regards, Tiger Fang," the overdressed goon declared menacingly.

"I told her that life was behind me, Cobra Fang," Vasquez replied coldly. "You would do best to forget my name."

"Funny… I thought you would be more agreeable after Dragon Fang had me kill your father last year."

Vasquez blinked. "What? My father's fine. I just talked to him a few hours ago."

"Oh… really? Huh. Who was that guy?" pondered Cobra Fang, rubbing his chin. "No matter. You pass… over my dead body!"

Vasquez cracked his neck. "That can easily be arranged. Go, children! Find Miss Sato! I will deal with this one."

"Oooh, this is gonna be sooo good…" Cricket beamed with anticipation.

"C'mon, Cricket!" Andromeda urged, pulling him along.

"But you know this fight's gonna be awesome! Cobra Fang's gonna be all like 'You cannot defeat my kung fu style,' and Vasquez'll be like 'We may have studied under the same master, but only I know his secret forbidden technique' and there's gonna be crazy kicks an' someone's gonna throw a flaming punch…"

"We gotta save Gloria! Even now, she's probably in the process of being brainwashed by the Global Illuminati. If we want to have any hope of her staying loyal to this world, we have to hurry."

"I guess you're right," Cricket relented following Andromeda down the stairs. As soon as Vasquez and Cobra Fang were out of view, he heard someone yell "DRAGON FIST COMBO ATTACK!" followed by the unmistakable sound of brutal violence. "Aww…"

"It's for the best, Cricket."

"Isn't she wise?" Remy's voice gushed on his earbud.

"Remy… we gotta talk about this," Cricket noted. "You. Me. We're talkin' 'bout it."

"So, yeah… basically modelling kinda sucks," Gloria explained as she and Tilly polished off their order of shrimp and chips. "You stand around in goofy outfits for hours on end and try to hold perfectly still while a guy snaps pictures and tells you to make expressions that you have no idea existed. 'Graciously jealous.' What even is that! *sigh* Frankly, I would have quit already, but if I keep going for a little while longer I'll have enough money to pay you guys back and finally get a place of my own again."

"Oh, Gloria… you don't have to worry about paying us back. As far as we're concerned, you're a Green."

"That's really sweet, but I'm really not."

"No, you are. Really. You earned the name at our last barbecue when you wrestled Cogburn to the ground."

"He was trying to steal my slice of pie," Gloria remembered. "That rooster's a jerk."

"Once I finish your patch for the quilt, it's official. You're Gloria Green."

"Well… I'm pretty cool with still being Gloria Sato, but it's kinda a nice thought that I have a backup family."

Their heart-to-heart was interrupted by a knock. "Sundae's a bit early," Tilly remarked. "I suppose we'll be forced to eat it right away so it doesn't melt. How terrible for us."

"I won't tell your folks if you won't," Gloria replied conspiratorially, getting up to answer the door. She would be greeted not by frozen dessert, but by her current employer, regarding her with a very forced-looking smile.

"Gloria, my benos-ed beauty, I just heard that your daughter," he said that last word through clenched teeth, "was paying you a visit. Funny… I was unaware you had a daughter." He looked past the barista-turned-model. "In fact, she looks an awful lot like that little girl you were living with…"

"Oooh, you got me," retorted Gloria sarcastically, putting her hands up in mock defeat. "Tilly isn't my daughter. She's Bill and Nancy Green's daughter. You know… funny thing…" She stared Avant Garth down. "You told me Bill's been leaving me abusive phone calls and that does not sync up with what Tilly's been telling me." She glared. "Seems there's quite a lot of people not telling the whole truth lately. Frankly… I think I want to reconsider our professional relationship."

"Gloria… darling… don't tell me you value this… urchin's word over mine? You were nothing before I found you! I made you who you are!" He gestured at Tilly. "These people are holding you back! You crawled out of the cesspool in which they wallow, why would you jump back in?"

"Huh, you're right, I really sho- yeah, I blortin' quit." She turned to start packing. "Tilly, don't swear. I earned that one."

"Ahem," Interrupted Avant Garth, pulling something out from within his jacket. "I believe you're forgetting the small matter of your contract. If you quit before you fulfil your end, I will sue you into utter poverty. Face it, Sato… you're mine. And you will remain so. Now, if you will excuse me, I believe I will go call security to have this girl removed… and perhaps let Family Services know that Bill Green can't keep track of his child."

Gloria hung her head. "Fine… I'll work for you without complaint. Just… leave the Greens alone. What do you even have against them, anyway?"

"You know, Mr. Garth" Tilly observed, "I can't help but notice how perfect your teeth are."

"Hmm, yes… I am quite proud of them."

"Almost… uncannily so," Tilly continued. "Almost as if they were unreal somehow."

"Perhaps that's because I take care of them," Avant Garth countered. "You wouldn't know anything about that, would you, squirrel-jaw."

"She's right… I've got pretty good teeth, but those are so white, they hurt my eyes," Gloria noted. She suddenly flipped the light switch. "Well, what do you know. They glow in the dark. I'm pretty sure normal teeth don't do that."

"Now, who do we know that is well-known for having artificial teeth? Besides Gramma." Tilly said knowingly.

"Oh, please," Avant Garth said, "many wealthy people have veneers…"

"Yeah, Tilly, it's probably just a coinci- YAH!" Gloria shouted, yanking off "Garth's" pink wig, revealing a blond-dyed mushroom cut.

"Well, well, well… I'd know that coif anywhere," Tilly stated smugly. "Chip Whistler."

Chip began a slow sarcastic clap. "Bravo, Green girl… you figured it out." He peeled off the rest of his Avant Garth mask. "It was me, Gloria. It was me all along. Bet you didn't see that coming."

"Well, no, I didn't because this scheme is crazy stupid! You stole someone's identity and set up a fake modeling agency for what? To mess with us?"

"Okay, so maybe there were some parts of this plan I didn't *finger quotes* 'think through.' Maybe on the surface, some of it is 'irrational.' Maybe these illegal dental implants are made of 'extremely hazardous materials' that are eroding what precious little remains of my 'sanity.' It doesn't matter, because I have you right where I want now."

She glared at the disgraced CEO. "Am I even getting paid?"

'Well… not exactly, but…"

"Well, that's just wonderful. I'm officially out of here."

"No, you're not. You still signed a contract."

"Yeah," Gloria pointed out, snatching the contract away and flipping to the last page, "with Avant Garth, not with Chip Whistler. Now, I may not be a lawyer, but even I know that if you misrepresent yourself in a contract, the contract is null and void."

"Well, If I can't keep you here that way, I suppose I'll have to resort to more… drastic measures," Chip said, reaching into his jacket pocket.

"Look out, he's got ANOTHER CONTRACT!" Tilly screamed.

"What? No. This is a gun."

"Oh. That's actually much worse."

The situation was growing desperate. I could really use a convenient distraction right now, thought Gloria.

"GLORIA! You gotta come quick! There's an awesome kung fu fight going on on the roof! If we hurry, maybe we can still see Vasquez break out the Ultimate Forbidden – holy fish cakes, that's Chip Whistler!"

"Cricket," Chip turned, grinning maliciously. "Finally, all the pieces are set up on the checker boar- wait, who are you?"

"I'm Andromeda," Andromeda replied as if it was the most obvious thing to guess.

"Well, right now, you're just a potential witness and we really can't have th- OW!" Gloria had taken advantage of the momentary distraction to kick Chip in the gun hand, forcing him to drop it; it wasn't that hard seeing as Chip had never actually held a gun before and didn't know what he was doing. "Hey! No fair! How am I supposed to shoot you now?" he whined.

"Get your sewing kit ready," Gloria advised. "I'm about to earn my second patch on the quilt." She swung her fist back and delivered one doozy of a haymaker to Chip's jaw.

"Oooh… here it comes," Cricket said in anticipation. "Trust me, Andromeda, this is a gag that never gets old."

They waited, but Chip's teeth stayed put. "Ha! Tough break, kid. Chip Whistler ain't losin' his teeth to-"

Then all his hair fell out.

"What the-? NOOOOOOO!"

"Huh. Old gag. New twist," commented Tilly.

"Well, I hink that pretty much wraps up all the loose ends…" Cricket remarked. "I can't think of any that remain.

Just then, Gloria got a call. "Huh, it's Gwendolyn Zapp. Hello?"

"Miss Sato!" the eccentric inventor announced, "Good news! The effects of the drink are only temporary. In fact, according to my scientists' calculations, your nose should fall off right around… now."

In confirmation, Gloria's nose did indeed detach from her face, cleanly, leaving only smooth skin behind.

"Now that's just gross," Cricket commented. "Oh, who'm I kiddin', I'm keepin' it."

"Huh, shouldn't there be, like, a hole, or some kind of scar?" Gloria questioned, rubbing the skin above her upper lip."

"Nope!" replied Zapp. "Everything goes back to status quo!"

"Okay, now all the loose ends are wrapped up…"

"That's what you think," Chip interjected. "You may think you've won, but I still have on last trick up my sleeve." He pulled it down, revealing a high-tech watch. Activating it and striking several dramatic poses, he shouted "WHISTLER…. ROBO… ACTIVATE!"

CRICKET: So then, this giant anime-type robot rises up behind him an' Chip does a backflip into the cockpit. It seems all is lost but then it turns out Remy's limo is also a transforming robot and he also made one for each of the four of us.

REMY: I'm relevant to the plot again!

CRICKET: So we all combine into Limotron and there's this huge fight across Bigger City…

BILL: Okay, this has been interesting but now you're starting to lose me. It's starting to get way too far-fetched.

NANCY: Really. It took until now for you to lose your suspense of disbelief.

BILL: Honestly, it's not too far off from how crazy it gets around here.

CRICKET: Hey, just spicing things up. I stand behind everything in this story. Except maybe that Remy/Andromeda stuff. I don't remember that being in the script. Seemed like it came out of nowhere.

TILLY: Oh, that was me. A little shipping never hurt anyone. And Andromedremy fans are an untapped audience.

ALICE: Well, it was a very nice story, but none of it explains HOW THAT DADBLASTED HOLE GOT IN THE SIDE OF THE HOUSE!

(Pan over to reveal said huge hole. Cogburn is casually trotting out with a pie in his beak)

GLORIA: Is that was this is for? Oh well, I'm still putting this on my IMDB page.

CRICKET: Oh… you want the story behind that. Well, it all started deep in the lair of the mad Professor Scientist…

*All groan*

THE END

A.N.: And that's the story! I think this is either some of the funniest or some of the stupidest stuff I've ever written; either way, I'm proud of it.

Jose: Yes, they probably should have, but as you can see, none of this actually happened so it didn't matter.

Next: Probably back to Hey Arnold or Amphibia. You can check those stories out in my profile!