Like most, I'm a little upset. so here we go. One 6x20 fix-it. I did not get this beta'd, so all errors are my own. I hope you'll find it in your heart to forgive me.
Also, this is my first "fix-it" and I tried my best. Idk. we'll see.
Please comment. I need solidarity. I feel alone. Dammit.
"Hey you!"
The familiar voice caught my attention, and I snapped my head up.
"Hey," I replied weakly.
"Where did you go? You missed all the fun! Nia caught the bouquet!" the brunette highlighted walking toward the table where I had been sitting and took a seat opposite me.
I sucked in some air, thinking of how to respond as I turned my head to face the direction of the crowd.
I don't even know how long I had been sitting there…in the same position, unmoving. My left hand was gripping the edge of the wooden chair tightly. I had to stop myself from gripping any harder – I could feel some of the wood splintering and poking through the fabric of my dress.
The follow-up call from Cat had been expected, I just hadn't expected it this soon. Though really, that was an error on my part. In retrospect, I'm surprised she didn't call sooner. Cat did not relent when she wanted something and this time what she wanted was, well, me.
I felt so torn, so…as Cat put it nicely… bifurcated. It was like my entire body and soul were at war between the two complete fronts I put on and I felt like I was suffocating. And then Cat… she knew. She knew I was Supergirl. I mean, I thought J'onn and I had squashed those accusations years ago… but she knew and she didn't say anything. She just believed in me. Cat believed in me when I couldn't even believe in myself. She believed in Supergirl; she believed in Kara Danvers… she believed in me.
Me. That was an interesting concept. To be truthful, I didn't even know who or what that was.
"Hey, did you fly away to rescue some people?" the brunette asked, leaning back in her chair when I didn't respond. "No rest even on your sister's wedding day…" she kidded, her voice flirtatious. I could hear the smile on her lips as she spoke.
How could I rescue anyone? I couldn't even rescue myself. I wasn't strong. Yea, I may have had impenetrable skin that bullets and needles couldn't puncture but was that the real definition of strong? I felt so broken. Fragile. Almost to the point of being worthless. My heart hammered against my chest in the most volatile of ways; thoughts raced through my head so fast that I couldn't make them out. I wanted to be happy for Alex – and I was… I was happy for her. Alex deserved this. We didn't always see eye to eye and we disagreed sometimes, but she was my sister and I loved her. But at the same time, I felt empty and in a state of despair… I felt lost and unsure. I felt unseen… like, I couldn't even see myself.
Lena's smile faded as my head dropped to stare at my hands as I smoothed my dress and then fidgeted with the cuticle surrounding my right thumb.
"Hey… what's wrong?" she asked, her voice dripping with concern, leaning toward me, her hands stretching out in my direction, offering me a place of refuge.
"I'm supposed to be the strongest person o…on Earth, but I think I'm actually the weakest," I answered honestly, forcing myself to look up at her, slightly afraid of what I might find.
"What are you talking about?" she asked, trying to get a sense of what was going on in my head.
I closed my eyes. I could feel everything bubbling up.
"Miss grant…" I began, my head falling lightly into my right hand. The words were so hard to get out. I knew they weren't even complete sentences. I couldn't form the proper words. "Glasses," I choked out, my eyes filling with tears and my throat tightening. I brought my hand to lightly cover my mouth as if I was trying desperately to hold on to my biggest secret, afraid that saying the words would unravel me from the inside.
Lena didn't move. She didn't speak. She just sat there, her eyes focused on me, her face soft and warm and accepting.
I took a deep breath, "I give speeches inspiring people to live their best lives," I stated, punctuating my words with a tap of my hand against the table. "but she's right I…I'm too afraid to live my own –" I admitted, my hand falling flat against the wood.
"No, that's not true, Kara…" Lena interjected sympathetically.
"It is," I admitted quickly, meeting Lena's compassionate eyes. "My entire life I've hid behind these glasses," I explained before looking away briefly trying to form my thoughts into words.
"It's gotten in the way of every job I've ever had… everything I've ever wanted to do," I emphasized, raising my hands to try to accentuate the point before pushing back a stray of blonde hair that was annoyingly getting in my face. "Every relationship, every friendship…" I pressed, reaching my hand out towards Lena, with a slight tilt of my head.
"Well, maybe we did have a bit of a bumpy road," Lena acknowledged, her lips forming into a soft, compassionate smile.
I nodded, my eyes fluttering closed for a moment. I had almost lost her because I hadn't told her I was Supergirl. And even the knowledge that telling her earlier would have killed her, other people I loved, or myself didn't absolve the guilt I constantly felt. I loved Lena and it was torture to hide parts of myself from her. And then after I told her… she… I couldn't help but think it was my fault. Yes, Lena was a big girl who could make her own decisions and who would have to face her own consequences, but I was the one who had betrayed her.
"I think hiding who I am is the reason I couldn't pass the courage gauntlet," I admitted, my eyes searching out Lena's once again. "I created Supergirl that night because the thought of saving my sister as myself was too terrifying."
Lena sighed briefly before quickly gathering her thoughts. "Look, you've had your entire life… people telling you who you're supposed to be and that if you didn't hide your true self then the people would get hurt," she argued, her voice strong and secure but still full of warmth. "I mean it's tough to move beyond those types of core wounds," she empathized, pleading with me to give myself some room to breathe…some grace.
No one could get me to think like Lena. When my head was reeling, she always knew what to say to stop the record in my head – or at least pause it for a moment and get me to consider another point of view. I trusted her and I valued her perspective. We really weren't all that different at the core.
"When Lillian told me she basically programmed the magic out of me as a child I felt devastated," she paused. "But I was devastated because I realized I didn't have the chance to grow up to be the person I was supposed to be, she pressed, her eyes widening a bit below raised eyebrows. "And I think it's the same for you."
I sat quietly, pondering her words. She wasn't wrong. I wasn't ever supposed to be Supergirl… or Kara Danvers. I grew up on a different world with my own dreams and thoughts and beliefs. And while I wouldn't change having come to Earth because I wouldn't know what to do with Alex or Eliza or J'onn … without Lena… I rarely felt fully comfortable in my skin. I never knew who I really was.
Lena started to stand up and I followed her like a magnet. I really just wanted to sit here and keep thinking but I couldn't not follow her. It was involuntary.
"For me, it was always about protecting the Luthor name. You know? I… I went from trying to make that name stand for something good to trying to be my true mother's daughter," she explained walking us back to the crowd. I looked over at her briefly, trying to process what she was saying. "You know, life was always framed by someone else. It wasn't until Lillian told me the truth that I realized I hadn't been living my own life," she continued, quickening her step to round herself in front of me. "And finally, now I am… and it feels amazing," she beamed.
"I don't even know what that would feel like for me," I responded quickly, shaking my head softly. "Connecting with someone as my whole self. To not be afraid…to just…be who I am." My eyes darted all around Lena. It was hard to process things while looking at her, to be honest. Lena seemed so self-assured now – a drastic change from where she had even been a month ago. I envied her.
"Sounds like it could be empowering," she prompted, her smile wide and her eyes locked on me.
It all sounded nice. It all sounded hopeful… like it may be this huge relief.
"Yea, but what if I let myself just be who I am, and someone gets hurt?" I asked honestly, laying my worst fears at the brunette's feet.
"You can't always be our savior, Kara," she interjected quickly. "You shine your light and inspire others theirs – your words, not mine." I sighed. I hated when she threw my own words back at me. "And if somebody does come… if they try to mess with our family," the brunette's expression turned fierce, "then we will take them on together. El mayarah," she ended with a wide smile, her eyes piercing me right through my soul.
I couldn't handle it anymore. All of the emotions that threatened to bubble over just came pouring out. I took off my glasses quickly and pinched the bridge of my nose, as I lost the battle to keep myself composed. My chest heaved up and down heavily, the anxiety and weight of everything viciously crashing over me.
"Hey…hey hey hey…. It's okay…" Lena comforted, her voice cracking as she closed the gap immediately, her hands coming up to my shoulder and upper arm, comforting me.
Her touch immediately warded off my demons. They fled at her presence, leaving me raw and open and exposed. She was the only one that snuffed out the darkness, leaving courage and strength in its place.
"Of all the people that have ever been in my life, you have pushed me the most," I choked out, my eyes trailing up and down her face, taking notice of her quivering lip and the flush of her cheeks. "Challenged me the most." My eyes connected intently with hers for but a moment as she grabbed my shoulders hastily, bringing me in towards her in a tight hug. Our bodies pressed together as I wrapped my arms around her waist.
Usually, I made it a point to grip Lena tightly – I always wanted to make her feel protected. This time, Lena's grip was like iron around me, shielding me, protecting me, loving me… keeping me safe from the world and possibly safe from myself.
I let out a breath I didn't even know I was holding. My eyes were shut tightly as I breathed her unique scent mixed with perfume and hairspray. I could hear Lena's heartbeat become rapid, but her breathing remained steady despite the small tremors I could feel her body make against me. I had to wonder if she was controlling her breath as a method to help me regulate my own breathing. It was something Lena often did when trying to calm me down.
"You've made me a better person," the brunette offered, her voice quivering. She tilted her head towards the crook of my neck, her breath hitched for a moment.
I loosened my grip around her waist, prompting Lena to loosen hers. Neither of us was willing to completely withdraw our hands from one another, so we stood there, face to face, Lena's hands at my neck and mine on the sides of her waist, my left pinky finger hooked around one earpiece of my glasses to keep myself from losing them.
"What is it?" I asked, referring to the previous hitch in Lena's breath. I searched her eyes for an answer and thankfully didn't have to wait long.
"I love you, Kara." The four words collided with my soul, knocking the breath from me. I could feel the tears resurfacing.
"I know you said that you don't know what it would even feel like to connect with someone just as yourself without any pretense or demands… without having to feel like you have to seclude a part of yourself – " she continued, bringing one hand down and wiping a tear from my cheek with the pad of her thumb. "But I want to be that for you… if you'd let me. I want to be the person you can come to. The person you don't have to pretend with. The person you don't have to be Supergirl or Kara Danvers or, hell, even Kara Zor-El with… I want to be the person you can just be Kara…just Kara with… whatever that means in the moment."
I couldn't look away from her. I was completely locked on her eyes and my grip around her waist tightened without me realizing it. Lena stroked the back of my neck, her eyes glossing over as she lay herself bare before me.
"I want to be your safe space. Because Darling, you are my home. You are where I feel I can do anything. You are where I feel that I don't have to be anyone but me. Where I don't have to be the CEO or the witch or the Luthor or the person constantly defending themselves at every turn. I can just exist in your presence and I have never felt that before," she openly admitted, tears streaming down her face.
"You're the only person I have ever felt safe with," I returned, bringing my non-glasses-holding hand up to her face, my thumb tracing over her bottom lip. I stared at her mouth for a moment as my thumb ran over the tender skin before slowly trailing my eyes back up to meet hers. "Lena…"
She moved her hands to the sides of my face and held it as our foreheads pressed together gently. I closed my eyes tightly. I was so scared that if I admitted what I felt then I would lose her. Not that she would walk away – I knew that wasn't going to happen. But rather, she would be taken from me. I was so afraid that if I let myself feel all the things I felt and unraveled the pretense of who I was supposed to be and just lived authentically that I would lose everyone I loved.
"I am in love with you, Lena," I admitted with a heavy sigh, feeling a large weight lift off my chest.
I could sense the smile that graced her lips. "I know," she breathed before closing the gap and gently pressing her lips against my own.
The kiss was chaste – just lips against lips, but it felt as if electricity was shooting through my veins. My knees grew weak and I pressed into the kiss a bit more; Lena moved one hand to my ribs, steadying me.
I wasn't sure if it was moments or hours or lifetimes that had passed, but when we finally broke apart, a cacophony of nerve giggles erupted from our chests. I felt like a schoolgirl who just kissed her crush. But Lena was far more than some crush I had in middle school.
The giggle fit died down naturally and Lena brushed back a stray strand of my blonde hair and put it behind my ears. I intercepted her wrist gently and brought her hand to my lips, kissing the inside of her palm tenderly before letting it go. Lena rested her hand against my neck, softly caressing the skin just below my ear.
"You're my home. You always have been," I breathed.
Lena smiled lovingly, hooking her fingers along my jaw and guiding me back into another kiss.
I tightened my hold along her waist as she slid her arms around my neck. This kiss was much less innocent; our lips slotted together as we tasted each other again and again. Lena flicked her tongue tentatively against my bottom lip and I immediately granted her access. Feeling her tongue slide into my mouth was a sensation I had never prepared for. She was tender, yet determined; gentle, yet purposeful. I swirled my tongue around hers, reveling in the feeling of her strong muscle greeting mine. Kissing Lena like this… it only served to reinforce what I had already known. Lena was home. She was where I was meant to be.
"Kara! Lena!"
The call of our names broke us a part – albeit, unwillingly. Lena looked over in the direction where the voice came from.
"Nia's calling us," she breathed against my lips. "Alex and Kelly are leaving. We should go say goodbye… wave them off," she suggested.
I closed my eyes and pressed my forehead against hers. "Yea. I suppose so."
Lena lifted her chin up and captured my lips sweetly one more time before unhooking her arms from my neck. She ran her hand down my arm and tangled her hand with mine.
"Hang on.. just…I need a moment," I stopped in the middle of my tracks, disentangling myself from her.
Lena's expression of concern returned to her face as she watched me take a few steps back toward where we had previously walked. I stopped near a barrel that was hanging out by one of the many trees on the property and held my glasses with both of my hands gingerly.
"I don't need you anymore," I whispered.
I set them down on top of the barrel, exhaling sharply. My chest felt tight. I wasn't sure exactly what I was doing or where I'd go from here. But I knew that I could handle whatever came my way now. Lena was by my side and whatever I had to face, we'd face it together. I took one last look at the confines of my life – the glasses that separated me, never allowing me to be whole – before turning on my heel and heading back towards Lena.
She stretched out her arm to grab my hand the moment I came within reach, her mouth upturned in a comforting and warm smile.
"You okay?" she asked, as we slowly started heading back.
I let out a deep breath. "No. Yes. I don't… I don't know," I admitted honestly.
She tightened her hold on my hand. "I'm not going anywhere."
I looked over at her, my heart warming and swelling with each beat. "I know."
"Let's go say goodbye so we can go home," the brunette proposed, walking us a little faster.
I sighed at her word… home.