Title: Aching For His Touch
Rating: T
Pairings/Characters: Buck/Eddie, Maddie, Ana
Warning: none
Word Count: 3,715
Notes: Takes place sometime in season 4. Jee-Yun has been born, but Maddie is not showing any signs of Post-Partum Depression.
Buddie Bingo: touch-starved
Aching For His Touch
They were in the loft at the 118. It had been a tiring day, and they finally had a break in between calls. Pretty much everyone was sacked out, either in the bunkroom or somewhere around the station. Buck and Eddie were together on the couch, with Buck's head on Eddie's shoulders.
Buck's eyes were closed, but Eddie knew he wasn't yet sleeping. Buck's body was still too tense.
"You okay?" he whispered.
"I'm tired, but I can't seem to shut off my brain. It's annoying."
Eddie's arm had been resting on the back of the couch they were on, but he lifted his hand and placed his fingers in Buck's hair, carding them through the curls, messing up the carefully styled hair. "Keep your eyes closed. Try some meditation. I know Dr. Copeland taught you how to meditate to help you. Use it."
Buck didn't answer, but his spine seemed to relax. Almost like it was going jelly.
They continued sitting there when light footsteps sounded on the stairs. Too light to be any of the normal people.
Eddie looked just as Ana's face appeared as she stepped off of the last step.
She frowned at the picture they made. "Am I interrupting something?"
Buck's eyes popped open, and he quickly stood up from the coach, Eddie's hand falling from his head as he moved away.
Eddie found himself missing Buck's warmth. He was more relaxed as he stood up, and he shrugged nonchalantly. "Not really, we're just trying to relax while we have some downtime. I didn't expect to see you today."
"Well, surprise," Ana said with a smile. She walked over to him, placed a hand on his chest, and leaned up for a kiss.
Eddie dutifully kissed you but felt awkward doing so in front of Buck.
When they separated, Buck cleared his throat. "I think I'm going to go to the bunkroom. Try to catch some sleep when I can."
Eddie nodded, a soft look in his eyes. "Do what Copeland told you to do."
Buck nodded with a forced smile and with a wave, he practically ran from the loft.
Eddie frowned in worry.
"Eddie, I think we need to talk," Ana said.
"Sounds ominous."
Ana shrugged. "It's important."
xXx
After Ana departed, Eddie was left in turmoil over their conversation. Normally, the person he would talk to would be Buck, but this time, Buck couldn't be his go-to person. And he didn't feel as if he could talk to anyone at the 118 since they were as much Buck's friends as they were his.
He needed to talk to someone that could be an objective third party, who would honestly tell him what they thought.
He didn't have much time to dwell on the situation he found himself in because the bell rang.
They rushed to the trucks and if Eddie sat a little further way from Buck than usual, when they usually didn't know the definition of personal space, Buck didn't mention it, although he did look worried.
"Everything okay?" he asked once they got the scene of the car accident.
"Fine."
Buck reached out to place a hand on Eddie's shoulder, but Eddie stepped way, shrugging off the appendage when it barely made any contact. He ignored the hurt look in Buck's eyes as they got to work. But he couldn't ignore the guilt he felt that he was the one that put that hurt look in his eyes.
xXx
Buck didn't know what he did wrong. One minute, everything was great between him and Eddie. And the next minute, things were different. They still talked and hung out together, but something was off.
Before, they would always touch each other. Buck was a tactile person, and he had been happy that Eddie didn't seem to have a problem with it. Whether it was a pat on the back, a hug, or cuddling on the couch, Buck liked to touch.
He was pretty sure it stemmed from a childhood where the only person that really gave him a kind touch was Maddie. Now he lapped up affectionate touches from everyone he could get it from.
But lately, for the last two weeks, any time Buck went to touch Eddie, even if it was just a pat on the back, Eddie would step away. And he had taken to making sure there was always at least three feet of space between them and nothing less.
And it hurt Buck so much. It made him think he did something wrong.
And after once again, being kept at a distance by his best friend, Buck showed up at Maddie's apartment.
"Buck? What's wrong?" his sister asked as soon as she opened the door.
He thought about being offended, but he decided to not take it too personally. He was sure he looked a mess. "Eddie won't touch me anymore, and I don't what I did to drive him away. Maybe he got sick of me being needy," Buck said in a rush, letting out the fear that had been niggling the back of his mind when he realized that Eddie was pulling away from him.
Maddie blinked. "Okay, first, slow down. Second, come in." She took his hand and dragged him over the threshold.
Buck tried to dig his heels in. "I shouldn't have come. You have Jee—"
"Who is currently with the Lees. It's just me here." She pulled Buck to the couch and he was forced to flop down on it. When Buck was sitting, Maddie curled up at his side, holding him around his torso and just being there.
For the first time since Eddie began pulling away, Buck felt himself relaxing. The loneliness that was seeping into his very soul was evaporating as he held his sister like his life depended on it. He nuzzled his nose into her hair, breathing in her familiar scent of apples and cinnamon, due to her favorite shampoo.
When Buck finally settled inside, he felt like he could have a calm, coherent conversation. "I needed that. I knew I needed that, but I didn't realize how badly I needed it until I got it." He blinked. He had thought he was ready for a coherent conversation. "If that made any sense."
Maddie continued holding him. "It made sense because I know you. Going through our whole childhood with our mom and dad not being the most affectionate people—" Buck snorted at that, but Maddie continued as if she hadn't heard it. "—makes it so you crave touch. And going so long without the touch of someone who care about was weighing down heavily on you."
"Why did Eddie change things between us? He never cared about how touchy-feely I was, but now, it's like I have the plague, and he does everything he can to avoid touching me."
"I have no idea what's going on with Eddie, but that's something you should ask him about. If he's going to change the dynamic of your relationship, you have the right to know the reason why."
Buck held Maddie tighter. "I'm afraid of the answer. What if I did something to offend him? He is the type of person that ignores his anger before it bubbles up into an uncontrollable rage. He's better than he used to be, but he's not that great when it comes to talking about feelings."
Maddie tilted her head up so she could look up at him. "You have to talk to him. It's the only way you'll get your answers, and I doubt it's something you did. It might just be something he's going through, and you've become collateral damage." She pressed a kiss to his cheek. "And if you ever need some cuddles, I'm always available. And I also recommend a weighted blanket. Those can help."
Buck continued holding Maddie, letting the hug soothe his frayed nerves. "Thanks for being the best sister ever."
Maddie nuzzled her nose against his chest. "Of course, Buck. I'd do anything for you."
xXx
Eddie felt like the worst person on the planet. As days passed, he watched as Buck withdrew into himself. His smiles all but disappeared. Every time, he was rebuffed by Eddie when he was looking for a touch of affection, his shoulders slumped even more.
He looked like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders, and it caused Eddie's heart to crack. He knew he caused it.
And he couldn't stop his jealousy when Buck began seeking affection from Hen on shift, who was happy to provide it. It was his own fault, but that didn't stop Eddie's green-eyed monster from coming out.
It should have been him Buck went to when he needed a little bit of touch. Not Hen.
That was what led to his explosive fight with Ana, and when she had the gall to give him an ultimatum, it was the easiest decision ever. Christopher was first, but Buck would always be second. And the fact she thought he would continue to do this to Buck, knowing how much it was hurting him, ended their relationship.
Thankfully, they didn't have a shift for a couple of days. First, he dropped Christopher off at Abuela's, and that had not been an easy feat. ("I want to see Bucky, too," Christopher demanded. "I'm sorry, Bud. I need to speak to him alone tonight, but if all goes well, he'll come with me to pick you up tomorrow," Eddie promised. "Fine," Christopher relented, a pout on his lips.) Second, he picked up Buck's favorite pizza from the place near his loft. Third, he made his way to Buck's loft. He just hoped Buck was home. He didn't think to text beforehand because he was afraid Buck would tell him to 'go to Hell.'
Once upon a time, he would have just let himself in, but Eddie feared he lost that right. So when he arrived, he knocked on the door.
He waited a few seconds, but then the door was opening.
Buck blinked sleepily as he leaned against the doorframe. "Eddie, what are you doing here?"
"I brought pizza. Can I come in?" He prayed Buck wouldn't slam the door in his face. Not that he didn't deserve it.
Buck nodded and stepped away, giving Eddie entry.
They walked over to the table. As Eddie placed the pizza down, out of the corner of his eyes, he saw the way Buck fidgeted, feeling uncomfortable with Eddie's mere presence. Another bolt of pain shot through him.
He took a deep breath. He was always better with actions than words. So, he went with his strength. He grabbed Buck and pulled the unresisting body into a fierce hug. "I'm sorry," Eddie mumbled against Buck's neck.
Buck stiffened momentarily but then went boneless, wrapping his arms around Eddie and returning the hug, squeezing so tightly as if his life depended on it.
They continued holding each other.
Eddie let Buck set the pace. Only when Buck stepped away did Eddie drop his arms and let the embrace end. "Why?" Buck asked.
Such a simple question, but Eddie knew he had to tread lightly. If he said the wrong thing, Buck was likely to retreat into a shell.
"Can we sit down? Maybe with a slice of pizza. And I'll tell you what has been going on."
Buck answered by grabbing two plates from the cupboard and handing one to Eddie. They opened the box, and each took a slice before they made their way over to the couch.
Eddie noticed a dark blue blanket he had never seen before laying haphazardly on the couch. He tried to move it out of the way in order to sit but was surprised at the heaviness of it.
Eddie scrunched up his nose in confusion. "New blanket?"
Buck cleared his throat and after putting his pizza down, he picked it up and put it on the chair. "It's a weighted blanket. Maddie told me it might be a good idea for me as it can resemble a hug. Didn't want to bother her and Hen every time I needed something."
The jolt of guilt came again. "Oh."
Buck picked up his pizza and they sat next to each other and silently began eating.
Buck let Eddie eat without badgering him for answers. The normally talkative man didn't utter one thing, and that was just unnatural.
Once Eddie was done with his slice, he put the plate on the coffee table. His hands rested on his legs, and he curled his fingers, clutching the fabric of jeans. "I am so sorry," he finally muttered.
"You already said that, but I want to know why. Did I do something wrong? I've been wracking my brain, but I can't figure out what I did to push you away."
"You didn't do anything. Nothing was your fault," Eddie reassured him.
"Then what happened. Why did you cut me off?"
Eddie winced. Buck was making himself sound like a junkie. And in a way, maybe he was. He needed physical touch the way a junkie needed drugs." Remember that day when we were on the couch? Ana came by, and then you disappeared to the bunkroom."
"Yeah," he answered slowly.
"Ana had been uncomfortable with how much we touched. It was the first time she saw us cuddling in such a way, and she hadn't liked it. She asked me to refrain from touching you so much. That it wasn't normal, and as my girlfriend, it wasn't fair of me to make her feel so uncomfortable."
"It was innocent!" Buck exclaimed, outraged that he had been suffering because of Ana's insecurity.
"I know." What Eddie meant was he knew it was innocent for Buck. Not so innocent for Eddie. Buck didn't need to know that, though. "I should have refused to do it right away, but I was trying so hard to make the relationship work. So I did what she wanted. I limited our contact, limited how much we touched."
"You didn't just limit it; you cut it off completely. And I didn't know why. I'm not sure what was worse. The not knowing the reason or being without our usual affectionate touches. It hurt."
Eddie knew he could have just limited it a little bit, and that would have fallen in line with what Ana wanted—although, she might have decided she wanted it to be cut off completely in the future as well—Eddie found it harder to just limit it. He thought it would be easier to go cold turkey.
Maybe Buck wasn't the only touch junkie.
"I'm so sorry," Eddie whispered. "It was hard on me too."
That didn't seem to make Buck feel better if the look in his eyes was anything to go by. "Oh? It was hard on you? You did it! I don't feel sorry for you." He shook his head. "You're here now. What changed?"
"Nothing changed. I just hated not being able to touch you. You looked so sad and I can admit I was jealous when you started going to Hen."
"I needed it. I never felt so lonely in my life."
"I know. I'm not blaming you. It was my own fault for choosing Ana. I told Ana that I was done with the whole 'not touching you' thing. We had a fight, and then she demanded I choose either you or her. It was a no-brainer. I chose you. And now I'm single again."
"I never wanted that to happen," Buck muttered.
"I know. It was Ana's fault. And my fault."
He wrapped his arm around Buck's shoulders and pulled. Buck resisted at first, and Eddie worried he damaged their relationship beyond repair, but then Buck was falling into him.
Buck grabbed Eddie's waist and held on, pressing his nose against Eddie's chest and breathing deeply.
Eddie rested his head on Buck's head, reveling in the closest that he had missed so much. "I was trying so hard to make my relationship with Ana work. She was perfect on paper. She was everything Shannon was not, and my parents would love her. I didn't want to admit there was no spark, and once again, I couldn't make a relationship work. I was just trying to hold onto the one thing my parents would be proud of. And as a result, I ended up hurting the second most important person in my life. I know I've said, but I'll keep saying it. I'm sorry."
Buck tilted his head up, gazing at Eddie. His fingers did patterns on Eddie's chest. "I understand why you did it. I don't like it, but I do understand it. But you act like you never can make a relationship work. There is more than one type of relationship, and I'd like to think our relationship is usually working pretty well. When you're not being an ass."
Eddie sighed. "That's not what my parents care about. They want me to find a mother for Christopher."
"Stop thinking about what your parents want. Think about what you want. Do you want to find a mother for Christopher?"
Eddie didn't have to think about it. "I'm pretty happy with it just being Christopher, me, and you."
Buck blushed. "I like it when you include me in your family."
Eddie squeezed Buck tighter. "You are family. No matter how big of an ass I sometimes am."
Eddie gazed down at him.
Buck was looking up at him with so much emotion in his eyes. And he almost thought it was something there. Something Eddie craved.
'Fuck it,' Eddie thought, throwing caution to the wind. "Buck, I need to tell you something else. And you might not like it."
Buck blinked and nodded. "Okay."
"Before, you said it was totally innocent when we cuddled. It might be innocent for you, but it's certainly not innocent for me. I'm in love with you. I have been for a while. And I'll understand if that makes you feel weird, and you need to find another human blanket going forward. I'm just tired of keeping my feelings to myself."
Buck's mouth opened, but then he snapped it shut. He opened it again. He sat up, no longer clinging like a koala bear. He didn't move away on the couch, though. Their thighs were still pressed together. Which was something. "If you feel this way, why were you wasting your time with Ana? And why would you do what she wanted, especially when you knew it would hurt me?"
"I knew it was a waste of time loving you. I thought I owed it to myself to try to move on with my life. And like I said, my parents would approve of her, so Ana seemed as good of a choice as any other woman would have been."
"And what if it wasn't a waste of time? Loving me? What if it wasn't one-sided?"
Eddie's heart began picking up-tempo. "If I thought for one second that you returned my feelings, I would have never even begun dating Ana. I would have spent all of my time trying to woo you."
Buck bit his bottom lip.
Eddie knew what he looked like when he was trying to keep from laughing. "What?"
Finally, Buck let loose a chuckle. "I'm sorry? Woo? Who uses the word woo?"
Eddie rolled his eyes. "What other word is there?"
"Romance? You could have said 'I would have spent all of my time trying to romance you.'"
Eddie shrugged. "I like 'woo' better. The word 'romance' sounds too formal."
Buck chuckled. "Well, I hate to say it, but you wasted a lot of time dating Ana. I was ripe for the picking if you had wanted to."
Eddie sat up so he no longer slouched. "Really?"
"Yeah. It's no coincidence that I picked you to always cuddle with. I could have gone to Hen from the start when I needed that kind of comfort. It was you I wanted. Maddie and Hen have been okay substitutes, stepping in when I needed it lately, but you're the one I always want to cuddle with. You're the only one that I want."
Eddie leaned forward and pressed his lips against Buck's. It was a tentative kiss at first, but when Buck willingly opened his mouth to Eddie's questing tongue, it quickly grew heated. Like with everything they did together, what Eddie gave, Buck was more than happy to take. And vice versa.
Buck moaned as he leaned into Eddie, pressing his body's against Eddie's. Eddie gripped Buck's biceps, feeling the muscles nicely clench beneath his fingers.
They broke the kiss. "I'm an idiot who wasted so much time," Eddie muttered against Buck's mouth.
"You're not the only idiot. I could have come clean about my feelings too. We're both idiots."
Eddie nuzzled Buck's neck. "Well, as long as we can be idiots together." He pressed a kiss right against Buck's pulse point and felt it flutter beneath his lips.
Buck gripped Eddie's chin, lifting his face so their lips could meet once again.
They fell backward so they laid on the couch, Eddie stretched out on top of Buck. They continued to kiss but kept the passion at a simmer.
After a few minutes, they stopped kissing and just laid there, holding each other as they listened to the other breathe. Eddie felt the rise and fall of Buck's chest, and it was the most soothing feeling ever.
"Can you make me a promise?" Buck asked.
"Anything." At this point, Eddie would promise Buck the world.
"Even when we fight, never stop touching me."
Eddie used his elbow to raise himself up so he could look Buck in the eye. "I will never stop touching you again. I promise."
Buck touched Eddie's face, and they kissed again. And if they spent the whole night kissing and just being together, that was their business.
And the next morning, when both Buck and Eddie picked Christopher up with smiles on their faces, that was also their business. And Christopher's.
Buck and Eddie didn't care about what anyone said about their family of three. They finally got it right.