Gah, I'm so sorry to anyone who was following this story (thank you so much). I actually finished it on AO3 cus I found it easier to write on that platform, but I forgot to post it to here! Total BRAIN FART GAH! Sorry! I'm just gonna Netflix style post it all at once now. Here you go!

It's been two days since Casey and I broke up. I didn't know it was possible to be this miserable. I thought my world was colorless when Casey went to New York, but this is way worse. I can't bring myself to care about anything. I skip class and meals and avoid my friends. It's all pointless anyway.

The only place I feel even remotely like myself is on the ice. Hockey requires so much focus, that my misery takes a back seat, and for a few hours everyday I feel like I can breathe. My game is still not great though. I'm not as precise as I need to be for the big game. Coach has been screaming at me again. Luckily he can't tell it's a 'girl problem' this time, or at least he doesn't call me out in front of the whole team.

At least fifty times an hour, I think about going to her dorm room, telling her I'm sorry, and begging her to take me back. But I can't do it. I hurt so badly as it is, and it hasn't even been a month. If we stay together and I let her become my whole world again, I won't survive when she eventually ends it.

If we tell them now and it doesn't work out, then we'll have opened that can of worms for nothing.

I was such an idiot. I was right before that it's impossible. Casey won't let it be possible.

She was always planning to end it before our family could find out. I let myself believe that she wanted me too, but she never really felt the way I did. She only let us happen because it was away from the family, away from everyone we know.

She called it a fantasy. I guess I was just some temporary fun. Forbidden fruit or something.

"Derek! Wait!" Michael grabs me as I try to sneak out of the locker rooms after practice without talking to anyone. I curse under my breath.

"What." I'm not in the mood to be friendly. I just want everyone to leave me alone.

"Easy man," he says, falling into step beside me as I walk out to my car. "Can you give me a ride home?"

I'm pretty sure he drove, I think I see his car, but I can't really say no if he's asking. I nod curtly.

We're silent for half of the car ride home, and I'm grateful. I know he's trying to figure out how to talk to me, he keeps looking at me, taking a deep breath, opening his mouth, and then looking away. We don't normally do feelings. The only person I can talk to like that is Casey.

Fuck, I can't start crying in front of Michael. I can't.

"You've been playing really well," I say. "You nervous for the game?"

"Thanks," he says. "You've been playing like shit."

"Gee, don't hold back or anything."

"It's obvious something is wrong. I… I noticed that Casey hasn't been around lately. Um, did something happen?"

I can't talk about Casey. This is the opposite of what I wanted to do. "We broke up," I say as curtly as possible and shrug, hoping that he'll just shut up.

"Oh. I kinda figured, even though it's pretty shocking. You guys seemed happy."

"So did you and Sarah," I say pointedly, because two can play at this game.

He doesn't even wince, the bastard.

"I noticed that she um, really freaked out when you said your family was coming to the game. I know you said your families are close… was it something about that?"

I laugh bitterly. Fuck it. "Our families aren't close. They're one," I say. "We're step siblings." It doesn't even matter anymore, we're broken up. But even if we weren't, I want people to know. I'm tired of lying about it, or acting like it matters. It shouldn't be part of why I'm with or not with her. It's just a fact.

"Oh," he says. "Ohhhhhh," he says again, like all of a sudden everything makes sense to him. "Well that kind of blows," he says. "Sorry dude."

"Thanks," I say shortly.

"But why did you have to break up? I mean, it might upset them a little, and I get that it's complicated, but you guys seemed like you were in it for the long haul… I'm sure they'll get over it eventually and support you? In a way it's kind of nice, no need to worry about fighting with your in-laws, right?" He tries to joke.

It so closely echoes my own sentiments that I feel dangerously close to crying again. Fuck. I want to punch something. Or push Michael out of the car. "Right," I say. "Casey doesn't feel that way." I shrug again.

"Oh," he says and stops talking finally.

The family arrives late that night, and stops by my house on the way to their hotel. Edwin and Lizzie are going to spend the night at my place, to get the "college experience." I would've said no but no one gave me a choice.

"Smerek!" Marti barrels into me the second the door opens. Like magic, the world suddenly doesn't feel as bleak. I wrap my arms around her and lift her up, swinging her around. She's so big. I can't believe how much she's grown. My cute little baby sister comes up to my chest now. I missed her so much.

"Smarti!" I say. "Are you keeping these other idiots in line?"

"I'm doing my best," she says solemnly. "But Edwin is a lost cause."

"Hey!" My brother protests, wrapping his arms around me. "I resent that." I would never tell him, but I missed him too.

"A little help please," Lizzie pants behind him, carrying two suitcases and a backpack. "I don't know why you packed so much stuff!" She drops the bags at Edwin's feet and gives me a hug. "Derek! Thanks for letting us stay tonight! It's going to be so fun!" Why can't I feel about Casey the way I feel about Lizzie? She's like a real sister.

"Son!" My dad is carrying a giant purple purse. His hair is disheveled and he looks tired but his whole face is smiling. I thought I would be mad seeing him. It's his fault that Casey is my step sister, and indirectly that we're not together. But I have the embarrassing urge to run into his arms and bury my face in his shoulder and let him hold me.

"Dad," I say instead, and return the pressure of his hug just a little too tightly.

"You okay?" He asks softly. My dad is one of the most out of it people I know, but he can be astonishingly intuitive. I've spent so much time resenting him, it's weird to realize he knows me better than anyone. And that he probably loves me more than anyone too. Is this adulthood? Realizing your dad has always been there for you and is actually pretty great?

I shake myself and let go of him.

"Nora, do you need help?" My stepmom trails behind everyone, walking slowly to not slip in the snow, with Simon in her arms. He's sleeping against her chest and even cuter than the last time I saw him. I can't believe how big he is.

"Wow, what a gentleman you've become," she says softly as she comes up to me and gives a one armed hug. "Is this Derek?"

I laugh and let her kiss my cheek because I've missed her too. I've missed them all.

"Where's Casey?" Lizzie asks as I usher them all inside and get them settled in the living room. "I texted her to come over to your place tonight since we're staying. I thought we'd have a giant sleepover!"

"Oh is she not here?" Nora looks around with a disappointed frown. "I texted her to come too, since we don't have time to stop by campus tonight. I wanted to see her!"

"Oh um. I think she had to study," I say awkwardly. I think they're expecting more explanation but I don't have anything else to say. I stare at a spot on the far wall.

"Geez, some things never change," Edwin rolls his eyes. "I can't believe she chose studying on a Friday night over us!"

"I thought you guys got along now," Lizzie frowns at me. "I thought you were friends!"

"We are." Why won't they stop talking about Casey? "Does anyone want a snack?"

They spend about half an hour in my living room, chatting and eating and shouting over each other. I didn't realize how good it would be to see them all, I thought it would just remind me of Casey and what I can never have. But the tight knot of pain in my chest is loosening.

Eventually Simon wakes up and starts crying, and everyone but Lizzie and Edwin piles back into the car with promises to meet up first thing in the morning. I'm actually smiling as Marti waves frantically at me as they pull out of the drive and I wave back long after they're out of sight. I feel lighter than I have in two days.

I pull out blankets for Edwin and Lizzie and set them up on futons that I pull into my room. Edwin wants half my bed but I tell him crashing on a beat up futon is part of the college experience. And it is. I can't even count the number of people who have crashed on our futons after a party.

Falling asleep has become the bleakest part of my day. Tonight's not so bad though. I listen to Lizzie and Edwin talking and lightly bickering. My bed still feels cold and my arms empty, but at least I'm not alone.

The next morning I manage to avoid going to campus with everyone. They're going to meet up with Casey at the dorms.

Coach does have us scheduled more than usual in preparation for the game tomorrow. I don't tell them I don't have to be anywhere for almost two hours.

Practice is grueling. Not physically, we're mostly just watching tape and reviewing plays. But Coach is pissed at how I've been playing in practice the last few days. If I have to hear him yell "focus!" at me one more time, I might punch something.

Coach finally lets us go in the afternoon. It's only about three and I sit at home contemplating if I should let the family know I'm out early. I don't want to see Casey but they're my family too. I've missed them.

My phone rings. It's Sarah. Fuck. Oh my god please let Casey be okay.

"What's wrong? Is Casey okay?" I answer in a panic.

"She's fine," Sarah says immediately. I take a deep breath, and let my heart rate slowly return to normal. "Sorry, I didn't mean to worry you. I'm not calling about Casey."

"What are you calling about?" I ask, curious.

"You. Are you home?"

"Yeah?" It comes out like a question. What is she talking about? "Why?"

"Because you're an idiot!" She says. "Don't go anywhere. I'm coming over."

Ten minutes later, Sarah's in my doorway with her hands on her hips; she's the picture of irritation.

"Youre step siblings!" She declares and barges her way into my house. I follow her slowly, bemused. We're friendly but we're not close and I've never seen this side of her before.

"I defended you, you know?" She's glaring at me and even though her voice isn't raised, it feels like she's yelling at me. "I told her of course you'd be hurt that she didn't want to tell your family! I told her it made it seem like she wasn't committed or serious about you!"

I can barely follow what she's saying but it sounds like she agrees with me about our fight and maybe about the break up too?

"Give it time, and you can apologize and work things out, I told her. But you're step siblings!" She points her finger at me accusingly.

I don't respond. I don't think she's really expecting a response.

"You're the one that needs to apologize, you idiot!" She yells.

"Hey! What the hell? Since when do you get to butt into my personal life like this? We're not friends!"

"Since you got scared and messed everything up! She freaked out about telling your family because it's complicated! And instead of acknowledging that it's complicated and giving her time, you assumed she didn't feel the same as you and broke up with her! Even though you know Casey freaks out about everything, especially the things that matter to her!"

I stare at her, open mouthed. I don't know why, but I never thought about that before. When she says it like that, it kind of sounds like I was the one that overreacted.

"It's ironic that you got so upset with her for even entertaining the possibility that it could end, and yet you're the one that ended it," she looks at me pointedly.

I wince. I definitely didnt see the irony in that before. How does Sarah know what I was thinking? It's like she's in my head.

"She's scared too Derek," Sarah says, softer now. Like she realizes that she just dropped a bomb on me. "You both need to have a little more faith. It's appalling to watch you want each other so badly and still muck it up."

I glare at her. Okay, message has been received. I need to think this over. It's possible I misread things and overreacted. She doesn't need to beat it into the ground.

"We're not the only ones," I say, irritated. "Why did you dump Michael? He's a goner for you and it's obvious you feel the same."

The wind goes out of her sails and she looks down, pale. I feel kind of bad for throwing that at her.

"It's not the same," she says softly. "Michael's not Casey. He's a player. Everyone says he's never been with a girl for more than a week!"

"He's never been with you before," I shrug. "Just because he didn't find someone he wanted to be with before you, doesn't mean he's incapable of it. You got scared and you left him before he could leave you."

As I say it, I realize that I did the same thing. She's right. When Casey freaked out, which she does all the time because she's Casey, I got scared. I overreacted. I should've given her time.

God. I am an idiot. There's gonna be a lot of groveling in my future.

I can't believe Sarah had to yell at me for me to see it. Im both annoyed with her and grateful.

"Why can't you give him a chance?" I ask softly.

"Did Casey ever tell you why I transferred?"

I shake my head.

"My high school boyfriend was a year older than me. We did distance my senior year and then I followed him to college. I found out after a few months that he cheated on me the entire year we were apart. He was known around campus as this really hot stud that wouldn't ever commit to any girl. Just like Michael." She stares at the floor and I feel bad for her but she's being so unfair.

"Michael doesn't have a girlfriend," I say. "He hasnt commited to anyone because he hasn't ever liked someone enough to. Before you."

She nods slowly. Like she wants to believe me.

"He's a good guy and he's crazy about you. Don't let your past ruin your future."

"Look at us," she smiles at me wryly. "A couple of cowards."

I snort.

"I'll try to fix it, if you do," she says softly.

"Deal."