The family's bringing pizza to my place for dinner, so that Simon doesn't have to sit through dinner at a restaurant. I text Casey asking her to come over early so we can talk, but she doesn't answer. I don't know if she's avoiding me or just busy.

Fuck, I'm so nervous. I have to make things right.

They all arrive together, in a chaotic explosion of noise. Simon is crying in Lizzie's arms, Marti is shouting over Edwin about pepperoni being better than sausage, Nora is lecturing George about forgetting his wallet at the hotel.

This is my family. I still can't quite believe how much I missed them.

Casey walks through the door, trailing behind everyone, and it feels like my life kicks back into motion, after being suspended for three days. She's here. We're broken up and she's probably furious with me, but she's here. It's enough.

I drink her in. She's so beautiful. I'll never get used to it. She's got her hair back in a ponytail, and she looks more disheveled than I've seen her in a long time but I still feel blinded by the sight of her. I wonder if the break up has been as miserable for her as it has for me. I wonder if she's angry, or sad, or relieved. I wonder if she'll give me another chance.

I smile, because here, in this moment, we're family. For once I'm grateful. I don't have to be the asshole ex-boyfriend that doesn't get to speak to her. I can be her annoying step brother instead.

"Earth to Space Case," I taunt. "It's Saturday night. Even a keener like you can stop thinking about schoolwork for a family dinner." I want to throw my arm around her with a pretend noogie too, but I think that might be pushing it. Her gaze snaps up to me, and my breath catches with anxious joy.

She stares at me with wide eyes. Her gaze flicks to Lizzie for some reason, and she blushes before looking down again. Her blush does things to me, and it's inappropriate right now in front of the family, but I want her. Fiercely.

"Don't be a jerk Derek," she mutters.

I grin as I realize that I can work with this. Even if she doesn't want me back, she's stuck with me, in some capacity, forever. I can wear her down with enough time.

I make a point to sit next to her, instead of across from her. It throws off our usual seating arrangement, but Lizzie accommodates it without a word, and sits next to Edwin.

I proceed to slide the cheese and toppings off of all of Casey's slices.

"Der- ek! "

I worried I'd never hear that again.

I deliberately eat messily and smear the pizza oil from my fingers on her napkin.

To my relief, she takes the bait. "That's disgusting!"

Edwin kicks me under the table and rolls his eyes. Lizzie says sharply "Grow up Derek!" Our parents pointedly ignore me. But I can't stop. I need Casey's attention more than I need air.

I loudly tap a rhythm with my fork onto the table and get Marti to do the same. We get progressively louder until Casey grabs my hand to still the motion. "Will you cut it out? You're giving me a headache. You are so annoying.

I feel like the king of the world.

They're not really even pranks; they lack both humor and wit. They're born of urgency, the desperate acts of a drowning man. I'm in way fucking deeper than I ever was in high school.

I know it's not enough. It might be hurting my cause. But it's enough to get me through dinner.

"I thought you two had matured," Nora says with a sigh. "Are you like this all the time still ?"

It takes the wind out of my sails. What we're like now. My brain flashes to her lips on mine, her hair in my face, her hips in my hands, her breath against my cheek, her smile in my heart. She consumes me.

What we were like, before I messed it up.

For some reason Edwin is blushing and fiddling with his fork. Lizzie looks uncomfortable too. Almost as if… I shake my head.

After dinner, Nora sighs reluctantly, "We should get going and put Simon down for the night. Casey, we'll drive you home." My heart sinks. I don't want Casey to leave. I haven't gotten the chance to talk to her yet.

For some reason, Lizzie and Edwin look upset too. "Casey has to stay," Lizzie blurts out. I have no idea what Lizzie is thinking, but I'm grateful someone else said it, not me.

Nora looks at her, confused. Lizzie's brow is furrowed with a strangely intense determination. "I mean. I never got to have the sleepover with Casey that I wanted, since she had to study last night. Can Edwin and I stay again tonight?"

"I'm sorry honey, but Derek needs to rest for his game tomorrow," Nora shakes her head.

"No I don't!" I yell. Casey is glaring at Lizzie, and it seems like there's something going on that I don't understand, but this is my chance. I need to talk to her. If she stays, she'll at least have to hear me out. "I mean, I think having everyone here would be good for me. Take my mind off the nerves."

Nora frowns at me. "Are you sure?"

"Sounds like a good idea to me!" Marti says enthusiastically. "I get the whole bed to myself again!"

Dad chuckles. "There isn't really enough space for them both in the hotel room anyway," he agrees. "If Derek doesn't mind…"

"Nope, I don't mind!" I agree. "They're staying. Lizzie and Casey should get the chance to catch up."

Dad stares at me, open mouthed.

"That's so sweet! I guess you are growing up after all," Nora says with a smile.

"Yup, that's me," I nod. "The gentleman."

I usher them out and wave goodbye to Marti from the driveway again as they drive away. I shouldn't let that become a habit, but she gets such a kick out of it.

Casey is inside with Lizzie and Edwin, I can hear her yelling at them, but can't make out the words. I frown and turn to walk back inside. Something bizarre is going on. I don't know why Casey seems to be so mad at Lizzie, or why Lizzie insisted on this sleepover, but I'm glad. I just have to figure out how to get rid of Edwin and Lizzie long enough to talk to Casey.

The second I walk inside, the three of them stop talking and turn to stare at me. Casey looks nervous and miserable. Lizzie and Edwin look determined.

What the hell is going on? The moment stretches out with them just staring at me, a silent tableau.

I raise a brow at Edwin. He's never been able to withstand the eyebrow. This time is no exception.

"We know!" He bursts out. "We know about you and Casey!"

I'm surprised that I'm not actually surprised. I don't know why she confirmed it for them, when she was so adamant against telling the family. But I'm not surprised they figured it out. I've suspected for ages that they could both see through me.

"What do they know?" I ask carefully, looking at Casey.

"Everything!" she says miserably.

"Everything?" I drawl, raising both brows. My mind flashes to her on my bed less than a week ago, screaming as she clenched around my fingers.

She blushes scarlet, like she can see inside my head. "Everything relevant . In particular, what happened three days ago."

I flinch.

"Let's all go to Derek's bedroom," Lizzie says firmly. "I don't want to talk out here, where Derek's housemates can hear."

I nod slowly, though I don't really care what Jack and Aaron think. I'm not close to either of them, and even though he apologized, I can't stand Jack since the night of that party a month ago.

I follow Casey into my room, and the door slams loudly behind us.

"This is an intervention!" Edwin yells from the other side of the door. "You two need to talk. Lizzie and I are going to sleep out here tonight. We're not letting you out until you make up. Even if it means Derek missing his game!"

I want to say 'you and what army' because Edwin doesn't get to boss me around, even if he has gotten taller than me. But miraculously, they're doing my work for me. All I want is to talk to Casey alone. And if talking doesn't work and she only gives me a second chance because she feels guilty about me missing my game, who am I to argue with that? A second chance is a second chance.

"Edwin!" Casey pushes me aside and pounds against my door. "Let us out!"

"Not until you talk!" He yells back.

"Casey," I say gently and grab her hand. I tug until she turns around to face me, but her eyes stay glued to the floor.

"Casey, I'm sorry." I'm so nervous. I've practiced this in my head so many times in the last few hours, but the words don't know how to come out. "I was an idiot. I never should've pushed you to tell the family. Breaking up with you is the stupidest thing I've ever done and I'm so sorry."

She raises her gaze to me slowly, her face is still uneasy. I've lost her trust. I deserve it, but it still feels like being kicked in the teeth.

"I was hurt," I say. Talking about my feelings is scary, the honesty hurts me a little, but losing her is scarier. "I thought that you were just waiting to end things."

"I wasn't," she whispers and shakes her head. "I just wasn't ready to tell them yet."

"I'm sorry," I say. "I should've been more understanding. I overreacted because I was afraid you didn't feel the same way as me."

I take a deep breath. I practiced this. I have to say it. I have to.

"I was ready to tell them because I want this, us, to be forever. I love you."

She gasps, and opens her mouth to respond, but no sound comes out. I don't need her to say it back. I just need her to know.

"Please give me another chance," I push on. "I promise to give you as much time as you need. Years, if you need it."

She stares at me for a suspended moment. Her eyes are huge, shimmering at me and bluer than I've ever seen them. I hold my breath, waiting for her answer.

She launches herself at me, so hard I stumble a little as I catch her. She wraps her arms around my neck with a small sob and presses her body against mine. The feel of her in my arms is heaven. I can breathe again. I squeeze her to me, relief and joy course through me.

"I'm sorry too," she gasps into my neck. "I freaked out. We should've been able to talk about it rationally and decide what to do together. I never should've implied things were going to end. I didn't mean it that way. Ending this is the last thing I wanted. I've been so miserable. I missed you. I missed you so much. Derek." The words tumble out rapidly and she squeezes me harder with another little sob. "Derek, don't ever leave me again. No matter what I say or how badly I freak out."

"Never," I say fiercely. "I promise. Never."

I kiss her. Her lips, her cheeks, her eyelids. I kiss her everywhere, scarcely able to believe I can again.

I need her closer, I need to feel her body against mine, hold her in my arms, never let her go. I lift her up and carry her to the bed. She wraps herself around me, legs around my waist, arms around my neck.

I lay her down and kiss along her neck, barely able to lift my head enough to reach, because she's clutching at me so tightly. Our movements are frenzied, the misery of the last few days dissipating in the heat of our kisses.

I breathe her in, let the scent of her seep into me. She moans and arches into me as I find that spot she likes. The sound kicks me into overdrive and I thrust against her through our clothes. She makes me lose all reason.

She pulls her shirt off and discards her bra. "I need to feel your skin," she says urgently. She's bare from the waist up and tearing at my shirt. She's so fucking hot. I don't know how I'll survive.

I help her divest me of my shirt. Our upper bodies make contact, skin to skin, as I lower myself back down. We both moan at the contact.

"Derek," she moans. "I want you."

"I want you too," I say. "I love you." I say it again because I can. It makes me happy to tell her. I thought it would bother me if she didn't say it back, but it doesn't. She's not ready to say it, but I know she loves me too. I can feel it, in the way she moves against me, and the way she looks at me, the way she says my name. I was so stupid to be afraid.

"No," she says. "I want you. All the way." She buries her face in my neck, and I realize what she means.

"Not tonight," I say, because we only just got back together. "It doesn't have to be tonight. I'm not in a rush." I never was physically. I've always wanted her. I've spent years longing for her. The fact that she lets me kiss her is a small miracle.

"Please," she says. "Please. I'm ready. I've been ready. I don't want to wait anymore."

I pull back to look at her. She looks back at me steadily. "I want this," she whispers. "I want you." I wonder if I should say no. I think I should wait until she tells me when we're not in the heat of the moment. But she looks at me, vulnerable, and I realize that this is her way of saying she loves me too.

I kiss her deeply, slowing the pace. "I love you Casey," I say again.

I'm nervous. I've never been with a virgin before. Kendra and Sally were more experienced than me. They taught me what they liked and it was always simple with them.

Nothing with Casey has ever been simple.

But I know her. I've been obsessed with her for years. I know every nuance of her face, every tic, every expression. I know the sounds she makes when she likes something, the way she tenses when she's nervous. I've learned the way her breath catches when she's turned on, the gasps she makes when she's close.

I go slowly, stripping her out of her jeans, inch by inch. We've done this much before, I've savored the sight of her long legs and the sighs she makes before, but it's different this time. This is my first time too, with her. We'll never get a do over for this night. For the rest of our lives, this will be our first time. I want it to be perfect.

I press kisses along her inner thighs. Her fucking legs were the bane of my existence for so long. I still can't believe I'm allowed to lay my hands on them, when I've spent years fantasizing about them.

She moans softly, but I can tell I'm making her nervous in the way she stiffens slightly, so I replace my lips with my hands, gently stroking her. I kiss her chest instead, in the way I've learned she likes. She lets out a breathy sigh that shoots to my groin.

I keep kissing her, pulling our remaining clothes off until we're both naked. I'm shaking slightly, but fuck, she's so perfect.

I touch her, and my mind blanks, because she's really fucking wet. She wants this. She wants me. My blood is roaring in my veins and I can't concentrate. She whimpers softly, "please Derek." It's enough to make my determination to go slow waver, but I force myself to focus.

I work at her with my fingers. I know how to do this, I've learned the way she likes her clit rubbed, when to add my fingers. She gasps and arches into me when I penetrate with two fingers. The noises she makes are driving me crazy. It's so hot, and she's so wet, drenching my hand. I don't know how I'll last. I add a third finger, which I've never done before, but she doesn't seem uncomfortable. She moves frantically, practically sobbing. She's getting close, fast.

"I love you," I growl it against her ear. "I want you. You're so fucking beautiful." There's nothing to hide anymore.

She comes on my hand and it's so hot I want to draw it out. I move over her and rub the head of my penis against her. She moans and clutches at my arms.

"Now Derek," she gasps. "More, please."

I line myself up press forward slowly, and fuck. FUCK. It'ssogood. She's drenched and so tight and hot and I can't think.

But she's tensing under me and I have to.

I pause. "Are you okay?" I manage to grind out.

"I'm okay," she says. "Keep going."

I kiss her, because I don't know if she's really okay, and the feel of her lips, the sound of her breathy sighs, ground me.

She brings her hands to frame my face, a move she stole from me, and kisses me back. I feel her relax by increments, until she tilts her hips, silently asking for more. I ease forward slowly until I'm fully seated.

We both moan, and she doesn't seem like she's in pain. "Casey?" I ask. I can't get out more words. Everything in me is focused on where her body grips me, tight and burning hot.

"No pain," she says. "It's good. Move." She rolls her hips, to back up her words.

So I move. My thrusts are as slow and controlled as I can make them, but I'm desperate and rapidly losing all rational thought.

"More, faster, please ," she urges, arching up to meet me, and I lose whatever semblance of control I had and thrust, hard and fast.

I think she's close again, she's moaning loudly, begging. The sound of her voice on the cusp is too much. I'm not going to last. I feel it building, working its way from my spine.

I bury my face against her neck and groan, clutching her to me as my hips snap roughly, rapidly against hers. She screams and shudders under me, her walls clench around me, and I'm helpless to it. I come with a final thrust, buried deep inside her.