A Very Merry Extraterrestrial Christmas at Castle's
By
UCSBdad
Disclaimer: No Vorlags were hurt in the making of this fanfic. Rating: K Time: Christmas time.
Alexis was examining the Christmas tree that Don Vorleone had brought.
"We've had ones that were as tall before, but never anything this wide. And the decorations are spectacular. They're part of the tree, too." She began examining the decorations more closely. She held one in her hand. "It changes colors." She grabbed another one. "And this one, it looks like tiny fireworks are going off inside it." Then another. "The colors in this one swirl." She giggled as a silvery "icicle" gently stroked her face.
"Ow!" She screamed, and backed away from the tree.
"What happened, Pumpkin?"
"The tree pinched my bottom." She said angrily.
"Hey, baby, you were stroking my balls, so turn about is fair play, right?"
"The tree talks?" Alexis screamed.
"You bet, gorgeous. That's a nice rack you have. Wanna fool around?"
"No, I don't." Alexis said and headed for the far side of the living room.
"Okay, but if you've never been planted, you don't know what you're missing."
"Planted?" Alexis said.
"I am a plant, sweet cheeks."
Don Squeaky interrupted.
"Bruce, youse wuz hired fer dis gig ta be a Christmas tree and dat's all youse is gonna do, capisce? Or does youse need ta be planted somewhere else? Da Joisey Pine barrens, mebbe?"
"Be a Christmas tree. Got it, Boss. No problem."
"Our Christmas tree is named Bruce?" Castle asked.
"He came highly recommended." Don Vorleone said. "Perhaps I should have a talk with his people."
Rick started to wonder if this really had been such a good idea when he heard a key going into the loft's front door. It could only be his mother since Jim Beckett didn't have a key. It was too late now.
Martha swept into the living room is a red outfit with white trim that made her look like a redheaded Santa Claus. Or perhaps a Mrs. Claus. She stopped and stared at the newcomers.
"Richard, you've had some very odd ideas for Christmas decorations. But wolves? Really? And they're what, animatronic?"
Don Vorleone stood and walked over to Martha.
"Allow me to introduce myself. I am Don Vito Vorleone. I am not a wolf, but a visitor from the distant planet of Vorlag. In the past I have been some small assistance to Detective Beckett, your fine son, Richard, and your lovely granddaughter, Alexis. But, of course, I'm most thrilled to meet the Martha Rodgers, the famous actress."
Gigantic wolf-like extraterrestrial or not, he was a fan. Martha loved her fans.
"Why thank you. It's always a pleasure to meet a fan. What of my work have you seen?"
"Too little, I fear as you mostly perform on the stage. However, I have found some amateur videos of when you were doing Shakespeare in the Park, a short while back. I had some trouble following the rather choppy sound. Perhaps you could explain Othello to me and give me some insight into your performance as Desdemona?"
Martha decided that she liked Don Vorleone, and if he was a friend of Rick, Kate and Alexis, he must be a fine fellow. She began explaining the whole Shakespeare canon.
There was a knock at the door and Kate went to answer it. She only opened the door a little bit to talk to her dad.
"Dad, you know I said we had some unusual guests? Try not to freak out when you meet them, okay?"
"If they're friends of yours, Katie, I'm sure they're fine."
When he got inside, he wasn't so sure.
"Um, Katie, these are…?"
Curly came over to Jim and held out his hand.
"Hello, sir. I'm Curly T. Vorlag, from the planet Vorlag. Your daughter has told is all so much about you, we feel like we already know you."
Jim shook the young fellow's hand, feeling that if they were polite, and friends of Katie's, they must be all right.
Jim saw a truly huge fellow approaching him. He also held out his hand and Jim shook it.
"I yam Don Squeaky, da strong right paw an' consigliere ta Da Boss, Don Vorleone. Da Boss is discussin' theater stuff wid Ms. Rodgers. We is in da ice cream bidness, an' we has our own lawyers back on Vorlag, da famous firm o' Dewey, Cheatum and Howe, Vorlags at Law. But, I unnerstand dat youse is a lawyer yerself. We do some woik here on da Oith, an' so far, everything is copacetic. But, it might be a good idea ta have someone on retainer jist in case. Perhaps we could talk later?"
"You two can discuss business later. Now it's time for our Christmas dinner." Rick said.
Martha looked into the kitchen.
"Richard, dear, there's nothing happening in the kitchen. I hope you haven't forgotten to make our dinners."
"Dinner tonight will be courtesy of our young Vorlag friend, Curly. He's built a replicator just like they have on the Enterprise starships. After all, we need dinners to satisfy Vorlag sized appetites. My kitchen wouldn't even begin to do the job. Curly, it's all yours."
Both Martha and Jim thought about mentioning that there were no real Enterprise starships, but the looks they got from Rick, Kate and Alexis quieted them. Besides, they were hungry.
Several hours later, the meal was almost over.
"Don Squeaky would you like some more turkey?" Curly asked.
The Vorlag looked at the picked clean remains of seven turkeys and shook his massive head.
"No t'anks, kid. I thinks it's time fer dessert."
Curly smiled.
"We're having ice cream sundaes made with forty seven different flavors of ice cream." He went to the replicator and took out sundaes in giant punchbowls, one for each Vorlag.
"Curly, I don't think we humans can finish a sundae with that many flavors." Rick said.
"Don't worry. The portions are very small. We have some new flavors for you to try out such as chocolate peppermint schnapps, lemon meringue pie, and cotton candy apple fritters with deep fried Twinkies. We call that one carnival flavored."
Eventually, the meal was over and the giving of gifts began.
"If you don't mind, Don Rick, I would like to play Santa and distribute the gifts we, or should I say, Curly has for you."
"Of course, Don Vorleone."
Curly handed Rick a nicely wrapped flat package about a yard square. When Rick opened it, he found a thin grey slab of something.
"Touch the side, here." Curly said.
Rick did and instantly recognized the three dimensional scene that sprang to life.
"That's the start of Heat Wave. There's Nikki getting out of her car and stopping just briefly at the yellow police tape."
"Since for some reason they haven't made a good Nikki Heat movie, I made all of the books into three dimensional representations."
Kate leaned over to see her fictional self and was not happy.
"Is Nikki wearing a wide belt or is that supposed to be a miniskirt?" She said coldly. "And why does she have boobs the size of watermelons?"
"Um, Rick didn't give that detailed a description of some of Nikki's physical attributes and I sort of had to look at human males' interpretations of what women…" Curly began.
"It needs to be changed." Rick said. "Nikki should look exactly like Kate. Exactly."
"And she should be wearing bell bottomed jeans and a turtle neck sweater." Kate added.
Curly whipped out a multi-tool.
"I can fix that in just a few seconds." And he did.
"Donna Kate, we have something for you as well." Don Vorleone said, handing her a beautiful wooden case. She looked inside and saw her two Glocks nestled in red velvet.
"You're giving me a case for my sidearms?"
"No." Said Curly. "I put some tiny pieces of nanotechnology under the front sight of your pistols. All you have to do is say what you want to hit and the gun will do the rest."
"My weapons were locked in Rick's safe. How did you get access to them?"
As she spoke, Da Boyz assumed the air of innocence that only Vorlags with long years of practice can manage.
"Perhaps that's not important. Thank you very much, Curly."
Martha's present was a suit of black clothing.
"The cloth is very soft." She said, concealing her disappointment. Solid black was not her color.
"Press the label, Ms. Rodgers." Curly said.
She did and the clothing lit up in an explosion of colors, swirling around, ever changing.
"That's beautiful. Thank you so much, Curly." She said, hugging the young Vorlag.
"As it happens, Don Jim, baseball is very popular on Vorlag, so you have lifetime seats in my luxury box for the Vorlag Series. In addition," Don Vorleone handed Jim a brightly wrapped box, "here are baseballs autographed by every member of the New York Yankees and the New York Mets. They're all personally autographed to you."
"Thank you, Don Vorleone. But how did you get them all? It isn't baseball season and the players are scattered all over."
The Don shrugged.
"I made them an offer they couldn't refuse."
Now it was Rick's turn to play Santa for the Vorlags.
"Don Vorleone, if there's one thing that humans do well, it's make movies. So we have DVD's of films running from Little Caesar to the Godfather films to John Woo. Curly says he can make you a DVD player for them."
The old Vorlag got a tear in his eye.
"What a wonderful present. All my favorites." He cleared his throat. "Mother of God, is this the end of Rico." He emoted.
"Shouldn't that be, "Mother of Mercy, is this the end of Rico?" Kate asked.
"The last scene in Little Caesar was originally shot with the line, Mother of God," Rick said, "which is the line used in the book the movie was based on. But the studio thought it was sacrilegious and changed it."
Then Alexis approached Don Squeaky.
"Don Squeaky, I noticed you were paying very close attention to one thing several days ago when we watched The Spy Who Shagged Me." She took a small white kitten from behind her back and handed him to the Don.
"Jeez Louise. He's boo-tiful. Does we have any'thing fer da li'l feller?"
"There a cold bottle of cream in the refrigerator."
"I yam goin' ta feed youse, Little Squeaker." he said, heading for the refrigerator.
"For Da Boyz, we have some special Tommy guns." Kate opened three violin cases and handed three weapons to each Vorlag. "You might want to note the kind of ammo they use."
The checked the magazines and smiled.
"Ice cream bullets." Buggsy said and shot at Muggsy. The three traded shots and they were so fast and with such maneuverability that every bit of the ice cream went into their mouths.
"Last and certainly not least, Curly, we have something for you. Like Don Vorleone, we thought you'd like some Earth DVDs. However, these are science fiction. You have everything from Flash Gordon serials, to Star Trek, Star Wars, the Alien movies, the Predator movies and the latest Guardians of the Galaxy. Just don't try to build a predator."
"Oh, wow. I still don't understand why you humans invent all of this cool stuff, but never mass produce it."
"Perhaps you'll find something nice we can use." Said Don Vorleone, thinking that perhaps a Death Star that bombarded a planet with ice cream might be worth looking into.
All good things come to an end and so did Christmas Eve at Castle's. The humans escorted the Vorlags to the roof of Rick's building where Don Vorleone's space ship, suitably cloaked, was waiting. Buggsy used the fob to decloak the ship.
"It looks like an old 1930's sedan, complete with gangster white sidewalls." Martha said.
"It suits me." Said Don Vorleone, who turned and bowed to the humans.
"Now hear me exclaim as we zoom out of sight, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night."
The End
Author's note: Next up is Other Flowers for your Grave, an AU take on the first Castle episode.