Lunar:
Archetypally, the moon governs our emotions and unconscious. It guides us into the realms—such as dreams—that bring us inner illumination.
Dreams themselves may reveal a reservoir of self-knowledge, helping us understand, integrate, and appreciate the rich complexity of who we are.
The moon holds a great deal of sway over our innermost secrets.
xXxXxXx
The day after celebrating what Rem privately considered her Best Birthday Ever, the three teens packed their bags and waved goodbye to Mito on their way to the pier.
All in all, Rem was pretty sure she'd enjoy this journey by sea much more than her last one… This time she left in good spirits.
This time, she had Gon and Killua.
"Wait, wait, wait… You mean to tell us that the whole time we were on the island, you secretly knew how to use a proper Hatsu technique and you never showed us?! Or even mentioned it?" Killua looked equal parts indignant and impressed.
"I mean, it wasn't a secret," she hedged. "I just figured it wasn't a big deal, and it would come up eventually."
"What can you do?" Gon asked, eager as always to learn anything nen-related.
"It's… kind of hard to just do on the fly. Um…"
The ship was out on open water at this point and most of the other passengers on board had retreated to their cabins. The trio found a relatively secluded spot on deck and Rem nervously tried to center herself.
It took a few seconds longer than usual - only a week out of practice and she was already getting rusty; clearly Ren was always going to be a struggle - but she managed to get her aura to flare promisingly.
"I feel it, I think," Gon said after a moment.
"Yeah, me too," Killua agreed, narrowing his eyes. "We were paying attention to you already, but now I feel more tense… Like my brain is telling my body to get ready to move."
"Your aura looks like an octopus!" Gon added with a giggle.
Rem flushed, suddenly feeling a little self-conscious. He wasn't wrong. Her aura still wasn't taking on the cool, tumbling cloud-like appearance of her grandma's… And yes, the tendrils did look a bit like cute, waving octopus tentacles; a far cry from the badass picture she wanted to project.
Killua looked nonplussed for a second before his eyes took on a curious gleam. "You're a Manipulator, right? Do the tentacles help you reach out for a victim?"
"I'm looking for people I could influence, yeah." Her defensive tone made it clear she was uncomfortable with the word 'victim,' though she raised no further objection. Yet another thing she was sensitive about, he guessed, though he couldn't blame her on this one. He wasn't too fond of the label either.
The two boys waited. Rem appeared to be having some trouble.
"So… where does the Hatsu part come in?" Killua finally prompted. As an assassin, he'd been forced to learn patience, but this was different. This was friends showing off to one another, and the lack of exciting, explosive stuff going on was boring him. "So far all I'm seeing is sustained Ren."
"Killua," she intoned, words holding an odd gravity. He noticed some of the tendrils were now pointing his way. "I've only ever seen my aura and my grandmother's. Why don't you show me your Ren…? So we can compare-?"
His aura was up and flaring before he'd even consciously decided to move.
And it wasn't the only one. Gon had powered up his Ren as well, much to both boys' amazement.
"Cool!" Gon exclaimed, at the same time Rem squealed, "Sorry! I meant to just get Killua!"
"You can use it on more than one person at a time?"
"I… guess? That's the first time that's happened."
"Was that your Hatsu ability?" Killua squawked, unsettled to see that Ten - which both he and Gon had activated almost all the time these days - seemed to offer no defense against the compulsion at all.
"Yeah. When I'm using Ren by itself, I can make people more willing to stop what they're doing and hear me out, but Power of Suggestion is what the Aranui clan actually uses to manipulate others," Rem explained. "Give them commands and stuff. Maybe Gon got caught up in it because he was susceptible to the same Suggestion?"
"That sounds more like an Emission technique then, or a technique that's both," Killua mused once he got his aura back under control. "But then, Wing did say that it was possible to use different aura types together. A Manipulator should be able to use Emission pretty effectively."
"Emission?"
"Did your grandmother not teach you about different aura types?" Gon asked, frowning. Rem shook her head.
Over the course of the next couple days, the three teens compared notes on their studies in Nen. They needed something to do to kill time anyway, and there was only so much ship to explore…
The boys gave her a more in-depth breakdown of the different aura types and filled in some of the gaps in her knowledge, while she tried her best to share her own unique experiences. She found herself stumbling over her explanations more than once while telling them about her clan's weird relationship with aura, but Gon and Kil were able to pick up the nuances with ease.
Rem was taken aback by their intuition, actually. Was there anything they couldn't just… naturally figure out? Math, maybe, in Gon's case.
"That's really the only reason I've progressed further than you." The epiphany came in the middle of the day while the three were lounging around the ship's main mast, eating sandwiches. "I had the advantage of someone showing me exactly what I needed to do to make my nen abilities work. That's what my grandmother was trying to tell me."
Through their own demonstrations, it had become clear that - while neither of them could utilize Hatsu yet - both Gon and Killua had more-or-less mastered the other basic nen techniques. They could sustain Ten with barely a thought, switch to Zetsu in the blink of an eye, and the first time Gon activated Ren around her… she'd physically taken a step back at the raw power behind it and how different the aura looked from hers.
She may have technically surpassed them, but the boys were leagues ahead of her in terms of actually understanding nen…
She tried not to let the thought depress her. How many people had casually referred to her friends as prodigies, after all? Picking up new skills quickly and taking them to crazy heights was just something they did.
It wasn't worth getting upset about. It certainly wasn't their fault.
That's what she told herself the morning the eagle showed up. Before she could even ask what was happening, the two had excitedly run off to read the message tied to its leg. They'd obviously been waiting for this correspondence for a while, but Rem only had a vague idea what it was about. Something to do with Gon's dad?
They had probably meant for her to follow them, but she couldn't help feeling… othered in some way, as an extension of feeling like she was constantly trailing behind them in everything.
She felt unwelcome sometimes, even though logically, she knew they'd done nothing to make her feel that way. Still, she couldn't stifle the voice that said if they included her, it would be out of a sense of obligation or something; not because they really wanted her there, holding them back.
She knew she was over-thinking it, but it was so hard to stop.
The insecurity began to creep in again… and she knew only too well where that path led.
Dread made her stomach cramp that night before bed. Knowing it was coming didn't make the nightmares any more pleasant to deal with.
Gon gave her a look of concern, but she was too busy fretting to notice. When sleep finally came, it was even worse than she'd feared.
oOoOoOo
She felt every bruise and scrape.
No matter how desperately she tried to match her opponent's blows - no matter how hard she tried to block them - they always seemed to find the most abused, vulnerable areas on her body.
Canary was refusing to let up. Her staff struck out so viciously that every hit made a cracking noise on impact. Rem prayed it was the sound of wood breaking, and not her bones…
"Months at this and look at you!" the older girl spat, pretty face twisted in rage. "Still WEAK!"
"I- I'm trying. I just need-"
Canary struck her across the mouth so hard she felt a few teeth loosen. Her tongue swelled. She gagged on the taste of copper. Had Canary ever been this hard on her before? She tried to remember.
"All that time spent training… For what? What happened to all that progress?" Halfway through, the voice changed and it was no longer Canary's disappointment she heard. This new voice - aged and raspy - the disapproval in it stung so much worse. "Should've known not to waste my time on a clan cast-off."
Rem stared at the ground, believing childishly that if she didn't look up - didn't see the scornful look on her grandmother's face - she could just pretend she hadn't heard the hurtful words.
Her jaw throbbed. Who had hit her? Was it Canary… or had the matron done it?
"Oh Ai…" Gentle fingers probed her face where she'd been hurt. It soothed the sting, and yet… for some reason, her skin crawled. "You've gotten weaker since you left my side."
No, she wanted to argue, instinctively denying it, even as her whole body recoiled from his touch. Leave his side? She'd never leave him! But…
There was something she was forgetting.
She still couldn't bring her eyes up from the ground, and seemingly in response, his grip shifted; tightened. Cold fingers dug in along her jaw. He was trying to force her head upward; trying to make eye contact.
"What happened to the girl who would do anything to please me? The girl who killed for me?"
Her insides turned to ice.
She denied him her gaze, but even she wasn't sure if it was actually defiance, or if she was simply too struck with horror to move.
She only knew that his words reopened a terrible wound inside of her, and if she allowed herself to look up… she'd be torn wide open.
"Progress or no progress… We're not done with you yet."
The promise, delivered so casually, frightened her enough that she couldn't help it.
She looked up, and his bottomless, blank eyes swallowed her whole-
oOoOoOo
Killua hadn't been able to sleep.
The cabin they were in wasn't what he would call 'furnished.' It contained little more than a hanging mirror, a single porthole window, and two, mildewy futons. After some mild disagreement (Airem had protested when the boys offered to take one and let her have the other to herself), the trio had pushed the futons together, and laid their individual sleeping bags in a row on top. He wasn't in the middle, thankfully - sleeping on the seam between mattresses - but Gon was, and the boy had somehow managed to sprawl out even within the confines of his sleeping bag.
He was left to grumpily huddle on the decreasing amount of space he had, trying desperately not to roll as the ship occasionally pitched to one side on a wave.
Even without the constant danger of slipping off though, he still wouldn't have been able to close his eyes.
His mind was still buzzing over the info they'd gotten from Milluki. As soon as they reached the city, they were going to need more information, and a lot more money. He had a few ideas on how to get both, but there wouldn't be a lot of time to goof around. They'd gotten a later start than anticipated, so the biggest challenge would be in managing their time… Hopefully between all three of them, they could accomplish everything they needed to get done before the auction.
Although that was another thing on his mind: would Rem be feeling up to helping once they got there? She was still behaving oddly, and neither he nor Gon had any idea whether they should address it or not. She'd seemed to be okay on Whale Island, so he was at a loss now as to what had caused her to backslide…
His internal clock told him it was somewhere around 1:00 AM when he heard the first quiet whimper from the other side of the futons. It wasn't hard to pinpoint its source.
She hadn't exactly hidden her reluctance to go to bed.
Another whimper, followed by a restless flip onto her back.
Killua shifted, uncomfortable at witnessing someone else's nightmares. Should he try to wake her? It went against all his instincts, but-
Rem gasped, and shot straight up in her bed. There was a pause, followed by a wet-sounding sniffle, and Kil lay frozen at the realization that she'd begun crying.
After a moment, he ventured a stiff: "Bad dream?"
He saw her silhouette flinch. "Yeah," she admitted, matching his low volume. "Sorry if I woke you."
"You didn't." Crap. He couldn't exactly roll over and go to sleep now. The thought of trying to hazard his way through the rest of this conversation was about as appealing as going head-to-head with Chairman Netero again… but listening to her cry all night while pretending not to hear it was worse. And it would make him a pretty shitty friend.
Gon snored unhelpfully between them.
Killua halfheartedly knocked his foot against his friend's, realized the boy was dead to the world, and then sighed before sitting up. He was on his own. "What was it about? The dream?" he clarified when she didn't answer.
Airem visibly struggled with herself. Her eyes kept darting to his face and then to her lap.
He tried his best to be patient, but his expression probably wasn't very sympathetic. She eventually gave up with a shrug. "I don't remember."
He swept a tired hand over his face. "You're a terrible liar."
"Sorry."
"Don't apologize," he groaned, frustrated at how badly this conversation was going already. Okay. Reset. If one avenue of approach is blocked, the only thing to do is find another. He considered her for a moment.
"You've been acting weird ever since you showed us your Hatsu technique," he suddenly accused.
"I… have?" Obviously caught off guard by the topic change, she was unconvincing in her denial. "I've just been-"
"-Weird." Killua finished. He knew he was being too short with her, but Rem had a history of getting stuck in her own head. He wouldn't push any further than this, but letting her off the hook too easy would encourage her to keep bottling up whatever was bothering her.
He had to at least let her know they'd noticed her behavior, and that she wasn't going to fool him about it.
She reluctantly met his gaze. This time, neither of them looked away. He heard her take a fortifying breath.
"I worry a lot," she admitted, finally. "I worry that I'm… not good enough; that I don't belong next to you and Gon. I worry I'll let you guys down when you need me…" Again. She hadn't said it out loud, but he heard it in the loaded pause she took. She was still blaming herself for that…?
"I always feel like there's… something separating me from you guys. I'm always lagging behind-"
She couldn't continue. Killua watched as she curled up into herself and tried not to cry. He couldn't do much to help with that, other than lay back down and pin his gaze on the ceiling. It wasn't much, but he could at least give her the illusion of privacy…
Eventually, he felt like he had a good enough answer to break the silence.
"You know Gon and I… You know we don't care about that, right? I mean, we care, but we don't- We won't stop liking you-" He blushed furiously at the embarrassing words, but Gon wasn't awake to say them, and someone needed to. "- just because you aren't as strong as we are. It's nothing you need to lose sleep over."
He could see Rem quietly watching him out of the corner of his eye, and it gave him a small measure of confidence to know she was carefully listening to every word.
"Personally, I don't think you have anything to worry about anyway. The nen ability you showed us blew mine and Gon's defenses completely away. I was pretty impressed."
He caught a glimpse of teeth in the darkness and he realized she was smiling tremulously. "Really?" she asked, sounding so young she reminded Killua painfully of Alluka for a second. He was used to cheering up his little sister. It made him feel even more self-assured to have an idea of what role to step into here…
"I said what I said," he sassed. "Try not to get a big head."
She giggled softly and appeared to mull this over for a bit. No tears, Killua thought, feeling vaguely triumphant. He'd managed to talk her down without making her cry once. Gon probably couldn't have done better himself.
"I'm sor- Um, I'm gonna try to remind myself of this conversation the next time I start to feel down about it," she hesitated, fidgeting with her blankets a little. "You… Does it annoy you to have to deal with my issues all the time? Do you think it annoys Gon?"
"Not really," he answered honestly. "Everyone has issues, right? Gon's not the most sensitive person though, so if you'd rather talk to me about them, you can."
"Gon's not the most sensitive person…?" Her voice had a teasing lilt to it that was nice to hear. She rarely ever bantered with them.
"I don't know what you're implying," he shot back, making his voice as snooty-sounding as possible.
His reward was a hushed laugh.
With that, Rem finally seemed reassured enough to lay back down and attempt sleep. "Thanks, Killua…" she murmured into the darkness.
He meant to respond, but his own eyelids were starting to feel heavy now that the crisis had passed. She was stronger than she gave herself credit for, he decided, even as his brain began to shut down for sleep.
She had improved. She wasn't the same girl they'd left back on the mountain last spring. She was getting over the crappy hand life had dealt her, and now she had an arsenal of new abilities to use to her advantage.
She had nothing to worry about, in his eyes. But if she did drop some slack, he thought right before drifting off, well, he figured he could always pick it up. No big deal.
oOoOoOo
The rest of the voyage went without incident. Killua and Gon filled her in on the contents of Milluki's letter, and she agreed with Kil that they needed to move quickly once they docked.
They reached Yorknew City's bustling harbor a few days later than they'd hoped to arrive, but with the Hunter website's URL printed on a slip of paper in Gon's pack, they at least knew what they needed to do first.
xXxXxXx
A/N - Eek. It's been a minute. Really sorry to have left this story hanging so long, but its been at the back of my mind constantly, I swear. On the plus side, little one is back in school now so that might help me get back on a semi-regular update schedule! Hopefully…
As an aside, if you're like me and you're kind of over the whole Rem-deals-with-her-feelings-of-inadequacy subplot that's been taking over the past several chapters, the conversation with Killua sort of marks a turning point for that thread. She really needed some reassurance on that front, and someone she cares about finally gave it to her.
Which, speaking of, I might need to get rid of that "Killua is not good with girls" tag… His little pep-talk with Rem went surprisingly well, and no one is more surprised by that than me. Luckily, our girl finds his arrogance more and more endearing.
The flirty undertone kind of just… happened, by the way. XD Hopefully it still sounds at least somewhat in-character. Please let me know what you guys thought, and if you like this new direction we're headed in!
Thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter! Cheers!