AN: I've decided to set this up similarly to Making Amends where characters switch off focusing on a different POV, starting with this chapter, which is Steven's.

Chapter 2: Denial

That weekend, Steven arrived early at the coffee shop they had agreed to meet at and ordered ahead. He didn't have to wait long. Five minutes later, Connie rushed in the door, out of breath with her long hair askew from the green barrette she had pulled it back in.

"Sorry I'm late. Internship ran over,"she explained breathlessly. Steven's breath froze in his throat as he looked at his ex-girlfriend for the first time in over a month. Connie seemed to have a similar moment of surprised silence as she met Steven's eyes, pausing in her efforts to fix her hair. The two didn't speak for a moment, simply staring at each other. Connie moved first, throwing her arms around Steven's shoulders. His hands full of coffee, Steven could only awkwardly hug her back using his arms. He breathed her in deep, feeling a part of his heart that had ached and longed for her release a deep sigh of relief. She was here. She was finally here.

"I've missed you,"she confessed quietly in his ear.

"I've missed you, too,"Steven echoed. They didn't stay there for long, mindful that they were in the middle of a café, and they were beginning to turn heads. Steven reluctantly released her and offered Connie a coffee with a sheepish smile.

"They were out of hazelnut, so I got you your second choice." Connie accepted the cup with a small smile of her own. They sat down at a corner booth that afforded them a small degree of privacy.

"How are you?"Steven asked when they had found their seats. The question was weighed with so many other questions – too heavy to be taken casually. Steven might as well have asked 'so how have you been coping since we decided to uproot our lives?'

"Good as I can be, all things considering,"Connie decided to answer somewhat honestly, "I've been distracting myself from everything by putting in extra hours at my internship. We're making good strides at the lab in our hybrid tech research, and I've been busy drafting proposals for the Gem-Human Alliance Board."

"That's good. Sounds like you've been busy,"Steven answered awkwardly, turning his cup in his hands, "Is your lab partner still giving you a hard time about how you organize samples?"

"She got transferred, actually. I'm training her replacement to organize them the correct way." They shared a small laugh at that, awkwardly sipping from their cups.

"What about you? What have you been up to?"Connie asked, glancing up at him mid-sip.

"Uh, well I asked to pick up more shifts at the trauma center, but they're already fully staffed, so mostly I've been…trying to distract myself, spending more time with friends….Everyone says hi, by the way."

"So…sounds like neither of us have been doing great." Steven watched the steam rise from his latte, tiny whisps that danced and floated away just as fast as they had started.

"I really, really missed you,"he finally admitted, his voice quiet.

"I really missed you, too,"Connie agreed, "There were so many times I wanted to text you, but I kept second guessing, making excuses. I'm sorry this took so long." Steven shook his head, the hurt and longing from the last month lodged painfully in his throat, unsaid and unseen.

"We're here now,"he feebly offered. They dissolved into another long silence, the activity and lively chatter of the cafe a stark contrast to the heaviness sitting between them.

"Hey…Guess what popped up in my memory feed the other day?"Connie offered, the first to break the silence.

"What?"

"You remember that time we were training on the beach, and I knocked your shield waaaay out, all the way to the tidepools?"

"Oh my gosh that racoon." Connie chuckled.

"It was running up to everyone on the beach, asking for snacks. It smelled your trail mix and started digging in your pockets."

"We tried to run away, but it kept chasing us,"Steven laughed, "How did we get away again?"

"You used your shield like a boat and I used your mom's sword for a paddle. We thought we had lost it, but when we paddled back"-

-"and it was still following us,"Steven finished with a smile, "I remember we were so freaked out at the time, but it was so fun. Just running around on the beach all day together. Pearl was so mad; we didn't get any training done."

"At least not where we needed it. I remember waking up so sore from all that running." They both laughed.

Connie pulled out her phone and turned it around to show Steven. There stood a younger, 14-year old Steven, balancing on wet rocks as he unknowingly bent down to feed what he thought was an innocent, friendly animal asking for food.

"Ah yes. I remember that face now. That is the face of evil." Connie laughed, putting her phone away.

"We had some really fun times, didn't we?"

"The best." Connie looked down at her drink, then back up.

"…I don't want those fun times to end, Steven,"she admitted quietly, "I don't want to lose my best friend in the whole world to this.

"I don't, either,"Steven agreed, raising his eyes to meet Connie's, "Whatever happens, whatever we call ourselves…"

"…We'll always be best friends,"Connie finished with a soft smile. Steven nodded, tears filling his eyes as he looked at Connie. She frowned, gently reaching for his cheek, deciding she didn't care that they were in a public place for such an intimate gesture.

"Hey. It's going to be okay,"Connie whispered, leaning in so that only Steven could hear her, "We've gotten through harder things than this. We'll get through this, too."

"How can we be okay if we're not together?" Connie's own eyes shimmered with tears she fought to keep down, her hands slowly coming down to take his instead.

"Steven, we're always going to be together. You're stuck with me, for better or worse,"Connie reminded him softly, "I have a role to play now in this world that you introduced me to. You don't just help your friend take down an entire alien government and walk out unaffected. I'm a part of your life now, no matter what." Steven's eyes fell, a wave of shame washing over him. With years of practiced control, he was able to stave off the pink glow from taking over his skin.

"I didn't want to tie you to my life like this." Not by more gem problems. Not by an obligation of protection that they should never have had to shoulder as children, much less now. He had fancifully dreamed of a future in which Connie's only tie to his life and the baggage that came with it were secured in a tie of love, not duty. He knew he had set himself up for disappointment the moment Connie began talking about what she wanted to do for her program. Of course Connie would have her own dreams. Of course he supported her choosing her own path. But it didn't stop him from blaming himself for dragging her into his world, constantly dancing between humans and gems. Although Steven would never admit it, part of him resented that Connie had gotten a choice in the matter at all.

"Nobody 'tied' me to anything, Steven,"Connie said, as Steven knew she inevitably would, "From the day I asked Pearl to train me, I chose to protect my home, and that has never changed. I'm proud of the role I get to play in introducing our world to gems. I'm only bringing this up because I want you to know I'm not abandoning this work any more than I'd ever abandon you." Steven nodded numbly, but her assurance rang silent in his heart.

"I'm not abandoning you, either,"he answered immediately, only because it was the only thing he knew to be true, "I don't even have the words to tell you how much you mean to me. I want to make this work, more than anything."

"I do, too,"Connie agreed with a small smile.

"I just want you to be happy, Connie,"he whispered tearily, "And I wanted so badly to be the one who could do that for you. I can't help but feel like I failed you. I'm so sorry, I"-

-"Hey,"she interrupted, "None of that. I am happy. Since I was little, you made me feel like I was strong enough to have a place next to literal superheroes. I'm strong because you believed I was. There's no denying you were the best boyfriend I could have asked for. We just…aren't the people we need to make each other happy in every way."

"What if there's no such thing? What if we just ruined something that wasn't meant to be ruined? I can't imagine being happy with anyone else."

"Can't you?"Connie asked, meeting Steven's confused look with a knowing stare, "I know you love me, Steven, and I'll always love you, too. But we both know your heart has been trying to multitask for a long time."

"What are you talking about?" Connie paused, considering what she was about to say.

"…Steven, you can't keep denying that there's something there between you and Spinel." Steven blanched, abruptly pulling his hands away from Connie's.

"What the…? Spinel is my friend. Just because she has feelings for me doesn't mean I return them. If you see me looking at her differently, it's only because I worry about her."

"Except Spinel isn't so fragile anymore. And you're not as preoccupied with trying to find reasons to take care of people as you were. She's always been special to you, though. More special than any of your other gem friends."

"Where the hell is this coming from? I love all my friends. Spinel is special to me we have similar issues and we've helped each other through a lot of tough times. I could say the same for any of the Crystal Gems."

"She's not a Crystal Gem, though. And you spend the most time with Spinel out of any of your friends,"Connie gently pointed out.

"I-I don't….,"Steven started, then stopped himself, abruptly changing course, "Why are you bringing this up now? If you had a problem with me being friends with Spinel, we could have talked about this when we were still together."

"I don't have a problem with you being friends with Spinel, Steven,"Connie said calmly, "I just don't want to be the reason you can't move on from this, especially when you have people already who you clearly have a connection with."

"That doesn't mean I have to consider other people." Connie raised an eyebrow.

"…Steven, I'm saying this because I love you. But you tend to romanticize the idea of romance a little too much, and it's not realistic. It was sweet, and wonderful when we were teens, but we both knew there was always something missing. You can keep holding on to that idealistic image of us getting married and living as Stevonnie forever if you want, but we already know that we're both going to end up unhappy, and our fusion isn't going to be stable." Steven shook his head, his head spinning.

"I know, I know. We've talked about this."

"Then you know why I'm bringing up Spinel."

"No, I don't,"Steven interjected, his emotions tipping as his eyes watering, "She's a gem!" Connie frowned at the slightly judgmental tone in his voice.

"You're part gem, too, Steven,"Connie gently reminded him.

"We broke up because we weren't sexually compatible, and you're suggesting I be with an entirely sexless species instead?"Steven hissed. Connie shook her head.

"I'm not trying to suggest anything. It doesn't matter who you choose, as long as it's someone you can truly give your heart to. I just want you to be happy, Steven. We did this to see other people, so I'm not going to hold it against you if you do that. Please don't use me as an excuse not to move on." Steven shook his head, suddenly wanting to run, or hide, or scream – or a combination of the three. He took a deep breath, but it didn't help.

"I…really don't think I'm ready for that,"he finally said, his entire body tense and his eyes unable to look at Connie anymore. She didn't say anything for a long moment.

"…That's okay,"she finally said, looking down into her cup as she softly admitted, "I don't know if I am, either, to be honest. I just know I don't want to feel like this anymore. I think we both deserve that much." Steven wiped his eyes, glaring down at his half-finished coffee.

"…Would you really be okay with me dating someone else? Like we didn't even matter?" he asked.

"I don't think dating other people ever implied that we didn't matter. I plan to carry all our happy memories together with me. The next person I date has some massive shoes to fill, and I'll make sure they know it,"Connie said with a half-smile, "…But yes. If I knew you were happy Steven, I'd find a way to be okay. Even if it was with someone who wasn't me."

"How?"he asked softly, "How would you be okay? Every time I think about either of us moving on, I just want to hide, or go clean something. It feels so overwhelming." Connie shook her head.

"I don't know. I just know that when I imagine you happy and smiling, I feel better,"she answered softly. Steven didn't know how to respond to that. He stared at his coffee, the steam long since gone. He felt tears threatening to fall, and he felt exasperated and tired from them. He was so tired of crying. He was so tired of feeling miserable.

"…Can we just…change the subject now? I don't know if I have enough bandwidth for this heavy stuff,"he asked, his voice tight with suppressed emotion.

"Yeah. Me neither,"Connie agreed gratefully. They sat again in silence for a moment, both of them finishing their respective coffees and then finding themselves with nothing to preoccupy themselves with.

"…Did you ever end up finishing that Webflix series we started?"Connie ventured, glancing up at Steven.

"No way. I couldn't bring myself to keep going without you."

"Me neither. All my classmates keep raving about the season finale – I'm still making up excuses."

"…If you want, you're welcome to come over and we can finish it at my place."

"Really?"

"Yes, really. I'd love to have you over again." Connie smiled affectionately and nodded.

"I'd really like that."

Steven kept busy with mundane tasks the rest of the week. He wrote a new song for the trauma group he ran for work. He plugged away at an online music teaching class he had been neglecting. He visited his family at the temple for a few days, enjoying their company and sympathetic attention. He talked with his dad for hours into the night about what had happened between him and Connie. Greg listened attentively, as he always did.

"Connie said we should both try to see other people…She specifically suggested I open my pool to gems, too."

"Huh,"Greg said, sipping at his second mug of hot chocolate of the night, "Why do you think she said that?"

"Probably because she knows me, and she knows I'm going to be sad and depressed and purposely not date at all if she doesn't give me a very explicit green light,"he sighed, "I don't know why she felt the need to bring up Spinel, though."

"Now there's a name I haven't heard in a while. You used to talk about Spinel non-stop until your problems with Connie became the 'talk of our talks',"Greg said, using his fingers as air quotes. Steven cast him an odd look.

"'Non-stop' is kind of a stretch, don't you think? I don't talk about her that much." Greg laughed.

"Sure you did. Anytime I'd ask how you've been, she was the second person you'd update me on, after Connie of course. How has that old goof ball been lately, anyway?"

"G-good. Really good. She's been worried about me…,"he said, his brow furrowing as he replayed his dad's words over in his head, "Wait, dad, do I really talk about Spinel that much?" Greg looked surprised at Steven's confusion.

"Well, sure. She's your one of your best friends, right? You two have really pushed each other the last few years to get in a better headspace, especially once you got really into your therapy. You're always telling me how she really gets you."

Steven was quiet as he took a long, thoughtful sip of his own hot chocolate.

"Well, yeah, because she's a good friend,"he said quickly, changing the subject back to the original topic, "Why do you think would Connie say my 'heart has been multitasking' and then bring up Spinel? I worked so hard to set boundaries with Spinel about her more inappropriate flirting. Does Connie think I wasn't enforcing them enough? Did she think I was being too complicit? Why didn't she say something then?"

"I think Connie knows you well enough to know you're not the cheating type, schtu-ball. Besides, Connie knows your friend has been alone a long time and is a little enthusiastic to get to be around people again. Heck, she even hugged me the first time you officially introduced us,"Greg laughed good-naturedly, "Point is, you've put in more than enough effort to make sure the line of communication has stayed open for all parties to have an opportunity to say something if they really wanted."

"So...why would she insinuate that?"

"Maybe Spinel was just an example. It's hard enough to go out and try to meet someone brand new. Connie knows you, and she knows you care about people too much to be in a serious relationship with just anyone. Whoever is next in line for you, they're going to be somebody who really speaks to your heart. That's probably all she meant,"Greg assured him. Steven deflated, feeling his head buzz with overworked thoughts.

"Maybe,"he conceded.

"When I was a kid, I remember my friends teasing me for getting close to a girl friend. I'd tell them to shove off, but turns out, years later, I'd realize I was only defensive about it because they were actually right – I did have feelings for them,"Greg reminisced, then playfully nudged Steven in the sides, "Any chance that scenario is playing out a little here, too, kiddo?"

"I-I don't know. I don't know what to think anymore." Greg frowned, seeing that Steven was genuinely distressed about this.

"Well, do you like Spinel?" Steven chewed the inside of his cheek, rubbing his fingers against his temples. He tried to conjure up a mental image of Spinel, but his thoughts felt heavy and there was a tightness in his chest that seemed to block his efforts whenever he tried. Of course Spinel was beautiful - Steven thought all life was beautiful. Of course he got a little flustered around her at times, but that was only because she was always flirting with him. Anyone would - it's not like he was reacting to her as much as the situations she liked to put him in.

"I don't know…I feel like I've had such strong tunnel vision most of my life, fantasizing about this overly sappy future where I marry my best friend and live happily ever after, that I literally can't answer that question because I've never even looked at anyone else that way,"Steven answered honestly. Greg put a sympathetic hand on Steven's shoulder.

"You've got a big heart, Steven - bigger than most. People are attracted to you for that. I've no doubt you're not going to have to look very far for your someone to find their way to you soon enough. You have to be looking, too, though,"Greg said, tapping his eyes, "Who knows? The perfect person for you might just show up randomly at one of your concerts and you could totally miss your own magic lady with pink hair if you're not careful." He winked at Steven with a knowing smile. Of course Steven knew he was referring to how Greg met his mother. But he couldn't help groaning as a confused blush swept his cheeks, because of course Steven was thinking of how that oddly specific scenario could very well apply to another magic lady with pink hair he was currently feeling conflicting about.

"I don't want to look for people right now, Dad. I can barely deal with Connie and I being over, much less deal with dating again,"Steven complained. He sighed and took a deep breath to calm himself. "Maybe I should ask Dr. Phillips if he would see me again…"

"Sure, if you think that'll help. It's okay if you need to take a bit of time, Steven. Do what you have to do. Heck, if you want to go get a crazy, post-breakup hairdo, I'll book the appointment. You know I'll always support you."

"Thanks, dad. I…think I'll do that,"he sighed, "…The taking time part, not the crazy hairdo." They shared a laugh at that, but it did little to settle the uneasiness in Steven's gut, or the storm of thoughts in his head.

He planned to take some much-needed alone time after that to sort out his thoughts. With only a few texts here and there, a phone call to Pearl to ask her how to get stains out of his clothes, Steven was adamant that he needed as few distractions as possible to process everything that was going on between him and Connie.

So when he heard a knock on the door a few days later – he was caught completely by surprise by an unexpected visitor.

"Spinel?" Sure enough, there she was, standing on his front porch with a smile as bright as the sun. There was something about seeing Spinel so soon after his last conversation with Connie that had Steven's heart suddenly racing in inexplicable panic.

"Surpriiiiise! I came down to jump, jive, and wail with my ol' pal Pearl today, and I decided to come say hi to my favorite person first!"she greeted cheerfully as always, naive to Steven's inner quarrel. Steven's throat felt tight as he stared at her, not knowing what to make of the distorted mess of nameless emotion suddenly having a fit inside his chest. In her hand she held a bouquet of foreign flowers – a frequent gift she liked to routinely give him. Her pointed shoes squeaked a little as she bounced on the soles of her feet – something she often did when she was particularly happy. She looked just as she always did, and yet somehow the sight of her made Steven's head spin, making him feel dizzy and untethered. Did she look different today? Was Steven trying to look for reasons for why she might look different? Was he looking at her strangely? Pushing those thoughts aside for now, Steven forced a smile.

"Hey! What a nice surprise,"he managed. Spinel spun once, then dipped low into a bow.

"For you, my dearest,"she said, presenting him with the bouquet she was holding. Steven's gaze shifted to the flowers. He didn't know what to make of them. Each flower appeared to have two dark blue stems that connected at the base and then divided outward like a divining rod. Bright white petals flapped open at regular intervals to reveal a green center, then closed by touching their tips together.

"White told me that the natives where these are from call them the 'bounce-back' flower, because their roots are super strong and they grow back really fast when they're hurt. Also, they release happy endorphins when the petals open! Just like you!"she explained with a wide grin, "Anywho, I picked them special because if anyone is gonna bounce back from this, it's you, Sunshine! I know you're goin' through a doozy, but you're gonna find your happy again soon. And now, you can have your own outside dose of happy, too! Poof!" She timed the end of her sentence just as the nearest petal opened again, gently bopping Steven's nose with the soft, green center. Steven sneezed, making Spinel laugh. He was hyper-aware of how his heart made a strange, painful squeeze at the sound.

"Is this our thing now? You giving me flowers when I'm down?"he asked as he accepted the odd bouquet. Behind him in the entryway, Spinel's first gifted flower grew proudly by the front door. He still treasured it.

He invited her inside as he tried to find a vase that would possibly fit these flowers' strange pronged stems.

"I give my friends the things that make me happy. Knock it if you want – I like pretty, living things,"she said, following him into the kitchen. Her expression shifted into a sultry look. "Speaking of which…" Steven jumped way too hard as Spinel stretched her arm over to him, her fingers coquettishly 'walking' up his arm. She liked to tease him like this – flirt and get him blushing, then immediately turn it around into a playful, harmless game instead. On cue, her fingers stopped at the top of his shoulder, her pointer finger standing up.

"Steveeeeeen. Can we hang out today?"Spinel asked in a theatrical, high-pitched voice, bending and bouncing her pointer finger as if it could talk through her. As Steven moved around the kitchen getting water for his chosen vase, the bouncing finger followed him.

"I have work,"he answered apologetically, addressing the finger puppet on his shoulder. The finger immediately proceeded to theatrically cry.

"Can Spinel come see you after work?"the finger asked in Spinel's make-believe voice, "Don't tell her I told you this, but I think she likes you."

"Huh. I don't see it,"he teased, carefully arranging the odd, moving flowers, "I…actually think I need some alone time tonight, though." There was a very real pause in which Spinel seemed to seriously weigh what Steven had just said. He waited. There was a chance she would interpret this as a rejection. Four years ago, such a request would have sent Spinel into a paranoid line of questioning that would have left Steven guiltily relenting and letting her come over just to appease her. But Steven was better practiced at setting boundaries now, and Spinel was better at not letting fear get the best of her.

"Hm. Spinel says alone time is overrated,"the finger finally said, continuing the make-believe game as if nothing too distressing had been said. Steven breathed a sigh of relief.

"I can see why she might say that, miss finger. But in some cases, a little alone time can be very healthy."

"Spinel says you're going to make her barf with that gross talk." Steven broke the fourth wall of the game by shooting Spinel a pointed look. His friend was draped over the counter, giving him a disappointed pout as she retracted all her limbs back to normal proportions.

"Tomorrow?"she pushed, a slight whine in her voice.

"I…was thinking I actually might need a few days. I'm trying to work through a lot of confusing stuff, and…I think I need to be by myself for a bit." He watched with twisted guilt as Spinel's face openly fell, her eyes searching his as she thought about how she wanted to respond. In that silence, Steven couldn't quite look at her. Seeing the sadness on her face and fighting the instinctual urge to comfort her was hard enough, but he was starting to feel more unsettled the longer she stayed here, bringing him flowers, flirting with him in his kitchen…being totally okay with it because it was normal for them. Never had Steven felt more hypersensitive about everything he did and said with her, and it was starting to feel like too much.

"…Boo. Fine,"Spinel finally conceded, the disappointment never leaving her eyes,"If that'll help you feel better." She took in a deep breath and slowly let it out, letting her head flop defeatedly on the counter. Steven knew how hard this was for her to accept that she couldn't be with her friends all the time, but the fact that she could accept it at all spoke to her progress.

"Thank you for respecting that. I promise I'll call once I'm feeling a bit more settled,"he acknowledged. And he would. Confusing feelings aside, it wasn't fair to shut his friends out when they had done nothing to warrant his avoidance.

"…Can I submit one dumb, insecure question for the jury for review?"she asked, raising a weak hand up.

"Sustained, your honor,"he played along. Spinel blinked up at him with wobbly eyes.

"…Are you asking for alone time from all your friends, or just specifically from me?" Her question made Steven's mouth go dry as it made him wonder himself – was he avoiding Spinel specifically?

"It's not just you,"Steven answered, deciding to pocket that question for later, "I haven't hung out with anyone this week." Spinel nodded absently, slowly sitting up and rubbing her arm.

"…Would you tell me, if it was something to do with me?"

"Of course I would,"he answered seriously. Spinel nodded again, not looking at him. Once again, he watched her take a deep breath.

"Okay…I trust you,"she finally said. Steven was painfully aware of how precious that trust was. Unease and tension notwithstanding, he felt his heart swell with familiar affectionate appreciation for her.

"…Can I still message you a little bit during alone time? Send you funny memes?"she asked.

"Yes, of course,"Steven assured her, "I'll send you some, too." This made Spinel genuinely smile.

"Okay,"she agreed, sitting up reassured, "I'll let you get back to it, then." She stepped around the counter, moving in for a goodbye hug. Steven wasn't sure if it was the confusing mess of emotions, the unexpectedness of her visit when he had already been struggling all week to make sense of what Connie had told him, or that he remembered how hard he had jumped when she had touched his arm. But when Spinel reached out for a customary hug goodbye – same as she had done countless times before – Steven instinctively stepped back. Spinel froze, arms raised and suspended, as she stared confusedly at him.

"I, uh, don't really want to be touched today, if that's alright,"he explained, too-nervously trying to laugh it off, "Woke up weirdly touch-sensitive, I guess. Next time." His attempt at humor was clearly not landing, if Spinel's expression was anything to go by. Her arms dropped slowly, folding self-consciously over her gem. Steven could see the hurt in her eyes, could see that she was genuinely worried now. He had pushed her off his lap plenty of times, told her he didn't want her kissing any part of his face – but he had never turned away a hug goodbye before. He knew how much it meant to her, that she always got to say goodbye to her friends before leaving them – to give herself a sense of peace and closure, she had explained once. To make up for the one friend she hadn't gotten to say goodbye to.

"I'm sorry,"he blurted out, but his apology only called attention to the fact that of course Steven knew how much that would hurt her. Spinel didn't say anything. Her eyes shimmered with wetness, but she wouldn't cry in front of him.

"…Okay. Bye then, Steven. I hope you feel better,"she said in a weak voice, holding back emotion that she was clearly working hard to hide.

"Bye,"Steven echoed awkwardly, "Thank you for…understanding. And for the flowers." She nodded numbly. Steven watched her leave, guilt mounting onto the already distorted, chaotic emotion still swirling inside him.

AN: Reviews are life-blood for the writer. If you liked this, please let me know in a comment