Chapter 22: Noct Is

"I mean, absolutely destroy her. You'd need to call FEMA when I get through."

Ven sat there on the train, blankly staring forward while Noctis Lucis Caelum relayed his intentions to him in vivid detail, vivid vulgarity, and vivid fondness. They were almost back on the east side of town, so all he needed to do was go the distance.

Noctis continued, "And I know she means something to you, Ven, and that's why I'm telling you straight-up: I wanna do her."

"Hold on, stop right there," Ven piped up. "Why would you think Naminé means something to me?"

"Didn't you two date some years ago? And aren't you with that black-haired version of her now?"

Highly annoyed, Ven said, "What? Dude no, that's definitely Roxas you're thinking of. The two of us look really similar, but that's a different guy."

"Really?" Noct was shocked. "That's a completely different dude? Freakin' whaaaat?"

"Yeah, he's the guy with two keyblades—"

"So, it's settled then. Imma bag Naminé asap, my friend."

No doubt repulsed, Ven asked, "Dude, aren't you married?"

"Sure am. Luna and I have this 'open' arrangement, but don't tell anyone I told you that. Otherwise, I'll have to kill ya."

"Jeez-almighty—"

"And Naminé's legal, right?"

Ven sighed angrily. "If you have to ask, it's a bad move! Pretty good rule to live by—!"

"I mean, I know she's fifteen—"

"DUDE—GOD!"

"But, I'm trying to figure out how long she's been fifteen. The Dracu-Laws offer a pretty sweet loophole, don't you think?"

"I'm gonna be sick, Noctis. I'm gonna be sick."

"Hey, come on—haven't you been fifteen for a few decades—maybe a century? That makes you Dracu-Legal, too, hombre!"

"Ugh, so?"

"So, if you've gotten laid before, I'm gonna be sick, too." Noctis snickered at that.

Ven checked the destination status up on the wall, sighing as he realized they were still a few miles away. "What's your point, Noctis?"

"The same as before—I've got my sights aimed at this deer right here, see'er?"

He pulled up Naminé's profile on Kupo Plus, selecting a picture of her sunbathing on the beach last February. And for whatever reason, probably a bad one, the prince of light began thrusting his pelvis while grimacing hard, then moaning, "Ah! Ah! Sss—ahhh!"

While the prince laughed, Ven shuddered and said, "Put an end to me."

"Just saying. I would bang."

"Just saying. You're out of control."

"Oh, shit—I just liked her picture by mistake! Ah, well…guess I gotta start somewhere. So, who're you gettin' busy with these days?"

"Tetsuya Nomura," Ven deadpanned.

"Wow—whoa. Didn't know you were like that. That's good…for you, I guess."

"You know she's with Riku, right?" Ven brought up.

"Who, Naminé? She's gay, too?!"

"No, Riku, with one K. He's the guy who looks like the guy who looks like you. Sora's best friend."

"Oh, that lucky dog! So, I'm gonna try to slide in that when he's not looking."

Fast-forwarding, their train arrived in a station in the middle of Easttown, and before they went their separate ways, Noct said, "Call me if you need some X-Potions. Or guns, swords, weed, or pee-pee pills."

"Definitely won't, Noct. See ya."

Noctis then went about his merry way, which meant breaking off at a dead sprint because he was somewhat famous around those parts. Like clockwork, someone recognized him, "Yo, Noctis! Lemme get a selfie!"

"Get bent," Noct told him, using his running start to warp over to a beam supporting the train tracks. He used his momentum to kick off and wall-run on the adjacent building, running sideways along its windows.

Finally, he jumped and landed on top of a moving bus, then sighing in relief. Also, another person landed on the very same bus, sighing the very same sigh of relief. Both parkour runners turned and looked at each other, and Noct cordially greeted him, "Oh hey, Cloud. On the move, too, eh?"

The ex-soldier bro replied, "Heh, yeah. Didn't feel like driving today."

"Yeah, same. Hey, isn't it payday for you? Let's hit up Freaky Fanfare, man!"

Cloud assured, "Trust me, I was gonna, but Nintendo's being weird with my check. I'm about to take a cab over there, now. Maybe later tonight, though…?"

"Sure, no hassle." Noctis shrugged. "I'll prob'ly be pregaming at Jī-Bu-Su's with the boys."

"Jī-Bu-Su's, huh? Uhh…man, I wanna go, but…I've been trying to stay away from places like that."

"Hey, don't sweat it, man. Hot babes in bikini-maid outfits can be super problematic."

Cloud then changed his mind, "Screw it, it's only been a week. Hit me up later. I'll probably show up with Barret and Snow."

"All right!" Noctis cheered like a bad influence. "Anyway, this is my stop. See ya, Strife!"

Noctis jumped and warped over to a street lamp, then hanging by his sword's handle at the peak. Pulling out his phone, and ignoring the oohs and ahhs of the citizens below, Noctis dialed Gladio's number, also using that brief moment of waiting to verbally iron out his game-plan, "Step One: impress the girl with skills and-or money. Step Two: let Luna handle the next three steps. Step Six: steal panties."

"What's up, Noct?" said Gladio.

"Gladster, let's head to the gym and reward ourselves at Jī-Bu-Su's later."

"Sounds good to me—!"

"NOCTIS!"

"What the—?"

Noel Kreiss, of Final Fantasy XIII-2 fame, was running toward him from the street, pushing some pedestrians out of his way. Right before jumping up to the suspended prince, he yelled, "I'm gonna (expletive) kill you, you sonuvabitch!"

"Oh, shit—talk to you later, Gladio!"

Hanging up, Noctis detached his sword and blocked a series of aerial strikes from the leaping time warrior. Though he had a clue, the prince said, "Whoa, slow down! What's your issue, Noel?"

"You know damn well what my issue is!" As both landed and subsequently clashed further, Noel accused him, "You stay the hell out of Yeul's DMs! She doesn't wanna be apart of your weird threeways that everyone knows about!"

"What ever are you talking about!? You need to relax, dude! Seriously!"

"I catch your name popping up on her phone again, I'm putting you six feet deep, got it, dipshit?"

While numerous onlookers recorded their quarrel on smartphones, Noctis stood back and looked extremely appalled, or at least acted like it. "Wow. Just wow. All I did was send an innocent invite to a cookout. Or dinner party, or something. Well, you can forget about being invited yourself!"

"(Expletive) you, Noctis."

"Is that how you talk to the guy who died for your sins?"

"You're a prick!"

Noctis shrugged. "Could be worse. Hey, you seen Serah, lately?"

Relaxing his threatening posture, Noel said, "Yeah…why?"

"Just wondering how she's looking."

Slightly calmer, he told him, "She's looking damn good."

"I thought so." Right before warping away, he told him, "And relax—Yeul's not my type, anyway!"

Watching the problematic prince hop, skip, and zip away, Noel grunted, said, "Fat Chocobo," and went his way.

Meanwhile, this chapter is done, like all the way done, my goodness.