Carolyn was worried about Arthur. She couldn't bring herself to enjoy dinner with Herc, something that was often a highlight of her evening, though she would never tell Hercules as much. She was just counting down the minutes until she could return to the hotel and check on her son. The only thing that kept her from rushing back was that she knew that her son needed time and space. There would be no point in hurrying to see him if he wasn't ready to have anything to do with her.
Carolyn was anxious all throughout dinner, but when they had finished and were walking back she almost found herself dragging her feet. She didn't want to admit it, but she was terrified. If Arthur wasn't ready to speak to her when she got back, she would respect his space, but it would hurt, and she didn't want to deal with that if she didn't have to.
Far too soon they were back at the hotel. Herc put a hand on her arm. "Are you alright, love?"
"I'm fine." Carolyn gave him an annoyed look. They both knew that she was far from alright, and she didn't appreciate the way that he was asking her about it anyway. Herc knew perfectly well that she didn't like to admit emotional weakness, even to herself, so why was he asking her about it directly?
Herc gave her a gentle smile and squeezed her arm. "Everything will be okay."
"How could you possibly know that?" Carolyn snapped. Herc wasn't put off.
"Because I know you and Arthur." Herc said. This was the kind of pointless sentimentality that Carolyn didn't like, and yet she appreciated his words anyway. Despite her annoyance, she couldn't help but feel just a little comforted.
They made their way towards their rooms. Carolyn froze when she saw Douglas and Arthur in the hallway between their two rooms. The two of them were talking, but they stopped mid-conversation when they saw Carolyn.
For a long, tense moment they just stood there, staring at each other. Arthur looked startled and overwhelmed, and Carolyn half expected him to turn and lock himself in the room behind them. Not that she could blame him.
Douglas put his hand on Arthur's shoulder and whispered something in his ear. Arthur shook his head and took a deep breath. He took a reluctant step forward, and that seemed to be enough to break him out of the shock he'd been in. He stumbled as he tried to run towards them. Carolyn opened her arms and caught Arthur as he basically ran her down.
Under normal circumstances Carolyn would scold Arthur for being reckless. He was far too old and large to just run into somebody and knock them down. However, this was far from a normal circumstance. Carolyn was far too relieved that she was able to hold him to scold him for being just a little too enthusiastic.
"M-Mum," Arthur whimpered as he buried his head in her shoulder. "I'm sorry, I-"
"Hush," Carolyn said. "You don't have to apologize for a thing. Not this time." Arthur was in the habit of blaming himself when he recogized that things went wrong, because all too frequently he seemed to be in the middle of things going wrong, just because he didn't always remember to think things through before acting. What had happened to him today though was far from his fault. The only people who should be blamed were Gordon and Carolyn herself.
Arthur leaned against her for a long time before he sniffled and pulled back. "I-I think I'm ready to talk now, if you want."
"Of course I want to talk, dear heart." Carolyn said.
Herc gave Carolyn's arm a small rub before he stepped away from her, leaving her alone with her son. He joined Douglas, who was opening the door to their room.
"We'll just be in here, if you need us." Douglas gave Arthur a meaningful look. "Remembner what we discussed. If you need help, don't hesitate to ask." Douglas and Herc retreated into the room.
"Perhaps we should go somewhere more private." Carolyn said. Shedidn't want to draw anybody else into their conversation. "Do you have the key for the other room?"
"Uh, yeah," Arthur reached into his pocket and pulled out the key. "Douglas gave it to me." He handed it to Carolyn, who unlocked and opened the door. Arthur's bags were already on one of the beds, but it looked like he hadn't bothered unpacking yet. Carolyn was usually annoyed with her son's habit of scattering his luggage as much as he could, but it felt wrong for him to not be following his little traditions.
Arthur sat on the bed with his things on it. Carolyn sat on the other bed, directly across from Arthur. She wanted to be close to him, but if he needed a little bit of room she wanted to give him the option of having it.
"How are you feeling?" Carolyn asked. She felt awkward saying anything, as she hated asking emotional questions just as much as she hated hearing them. However, Arthur was much more sensitive than she was. He wasn't afraid of his own feelings, and he would talk to anybody about how he felt if they just had the patience to listen.
Arthur knew that Carolyn didn't normally like to talk about this kind of thing unless it was absolutely necessary, so he tried to hold back when they talked. She didn't want him holding back this time, and she hoped that Arthur would recognize her question as an open invitation to talk about whatever he needed to.
"I'm...fine." Arthur said quietly, and he sounded far too much like Carolyn for her liking. Arthur's face fell and he slouched. "At least, I'm doing better than before." Carolyn had no idea how bad a state Arthur had been in before, but at least his mood had improved. It was better than nothing.
"Did talking to Douglas help?" Carolyn asked. She was curious about what the man had said to her son, but she decided to not ask. The conversation had been between the two of them, and was none of her business.
Arthur gave her a shaky smile. "Yes. He said there were a lot of reasons why somebody might want an abortion, and I think I understand a little better."
Carolyn frowned slightly. "Do you want to know my reasons?"
Arthur was quiet for a moment before he shook his head. "I-I don't think so." He sounded uncertain. "Not right now."
"That's alright," Carolyn assured him. She couldn't help but feel relieved. She'd had a number of reasons why she had wanted to get an abortion, and she had discussed some of them with Herc, but one of the biggest reasons was also the most important one that she wanted to keep secret.
Carolyn and Gordon had been at each other's throats quite often after they had gotten married. When they had first gotten together their relationship had been more like what Carolyn had with Herc now, where they still disagreed and bickered, but in a loving, affectionate way. It was fun. Then the months went on, and their disagreements turned into arguments, and then fights.
Carolyn had already been through one bad marriage, and she knew the signs of her relationship with Gordon going wrong as well. She had been on edge and had been waiting for Gordon to take things just one step too far, and then she would leave him. Then she learned that she was pregnant.
Carolyn had been terrified. She had never wanted to be a mother. She had never wanted to rely on anybody else, or to have anybody else rely on her. She'd imagined that if she would have a child it would be with a loving partner who would take equal responsibility for the kid. The child wouldn't be her complete responsibility. She knew that wouldn't happen with Gordon though.
Carolyn had known that if she had the child then Gordon would insist that she take care of raising the child, which was the last thing she had wanted. However, while Gordon wouldn't help with actually raising the child she knew that he would provide for them. On the other hand, if Carolyn left Gordon then she would have to struggle to raise a child completely on her own, without any financial help. Carolyn wouldn't be able to afford an abortion without Gordon's money. Either way she knew she would be stuck with a child, so she had picked what she had thought was the lesser of two evils.
Carolyn didn't want to tell Arthur these details unless she absolutely had to. He deserved to know the truth, but she knew it would just hurt him. Arthur was incredibly sensitive, and when Carolyn had finally insisted on the divorce he had blamed himself. It had taken years for Arthur to realize that not only was it not his fault, but they were better off without his father around.
Carolyn just knew that if she told Arthur that he was the reason why she had stayed with Gordon for as long as she had, then he would start to blame himself again. Arthur would think that it was his fault that Carolyn had been so hurt by Gordon. She would have been spared a lot of misery if she had left him when she'd first wanted to.
"When…"Arthur trailed off and swallowed thickly. He gripped at the bedding. "I know that you love me, but when did that start?"
This was actually a question that Carolyn didn't mind answering. "I cared for you as soon as I found out that I was pregnant." Carolyn said. Even when she'd wanted an abortion, she had still cared about her unborn child. She hadn't wanted to have a child because she didn't think she would be a good mother for them. She resented her own mother for her imperfections, and she hadn't wanted to make a child feel the pain that she'd felt.
"You know I don't love easily." Carolyn said. It was a strong word that she felt people used far too often. She certainly loved Arthur, but she hadn't been one of those mothers that had loved him immediately, or perhaps she had, but it had taken her several months to realize that was what she was feeling. Carolyn remembered the moment vividly.
"When I realized that I loved you you were barely six months old." Carolyn said. She felt fury and terror at just the thought of that day. "I had been working less as a stewardess since you were born, but they needed me on a short flight. It was on such short notice that I didn't have time to find someone to mind you, but I was only supposed to be gone for one night, so I thought that Gordon would be able to handle you while I was gone."
Arthur looked startled. "But...you never let dad watch me by himself." Arthur said.
"And this is why." Carolyn said. She seethed at the thought of it, even now after all these years. She had never been able to forgive Gordon for what he had done, and she still had nightmares about what could have happened.
"When I came home it had been just over a full day," Carolyn said. "As soon as I entered the house I could hear you screaming. This wasn't just the normal distressed noise that all babies make. You sounded like you were being tortured, and your voice was so weak that I could tell you had been crying for a long time. I hurried into the nursery, and you were there in your crib, wearing the same clothes I had put you in before I left. You were even wearing the same nappy."
Arthur looked stunned. "Dad...he did nothing?"
"Not a thing," Carolyn could still feel the terror that she'd felt that morning upon seeing her crying son. She had never felt so scared and furious. She didn't know where Gordon was, but she refused to think about it. She had focused solely on making sure that Arthur was taken care of. She'd changed him, taken care of the rashes from how long he'd been sitting in his own filth, and fed him.
Arthur didn't stop whimpering and crying for several hours, and Carolyn had never been so relieved to hear her son's distress. At least he was still somehow strong enough to cry, and she was there to take care of him. His tears broke her heart, but it was also music to her ears, because at least she knew that he was still alive. Infants needed to be cared for constantly, and he could have been left alone for twenty-four hours. Anything could have happened during that time.
Once Carolyn had taken care of her son's immediate needs she had called their family medicine doctor. If there were any terrible consequences of Arthur being left on his own, she would rather know about it immediately than for it to sneak up on her later.
Carolyn had been reluctant to let go of Arthur at all. She held him close to her chest, only letting him go long enough for the doctor to look him over. She had never felt so relieved when the doctor said that aside from a rash, a sore throat, and his hunger, he was perfectly healthy.
The doctor had strongly suggested that she get the police involved. One wasn't allowed to just leave a child unattended. Carolyn had refused with very little thought. Gordon may be a terrible man, and she'd vowed that day that she would not let him anywhere near her son, but he was also an exceptionally rich man. He had enough resources that he could turn anything against her if he so wanted, and Carolyn hadn't wanted to try his patience.
The doctor had warned that Arthur may have a lot of anxiety and abandonment issues for quite a bit, but Carolyn hadn't minded that part so much. She hadn't intended on letting Arthur anywhere out of her sights for the next few months.
When she brought Arthur home she found Gordon waiting for her. She had given the man a piece of her mind. She had never dared to stand up to him the way she did that day. They'd fought before then, but it had been far worse that day than it normally was.
"You started clinging to me after that day." Carolyn said. "You would whine if I wasn't holding you, and refused to sleep unless you were in my arms. If I ever left you alone in a room, even just for a moment, you would start screaming. Before, you had always been a friendly baby. You loved everybody you met, and wanted to be held by everybody you saw. For almost a year after that day though you seemed afraid of anybody that wasn't me, even your father. You refused to let anybody else hold you."
"Really?" Arthur looked stunned. "I was afraid of people? Me?"
"It was a traumatizing experience." Carolyn said. "For both of us. When I walked through the door and heard you crying, it was like I was suddenly hit with all of that motherly instinct I'd heard so much about. I would have done anything to help you feel better. As soon as I realized that, I realized just how much I cared for you. How much I loved you."
Carolyn leaned forward and held out her hands. Arthur took them in his own. Carolyn gave his hands a small squeeze. "I had no idea what I was doing. The only thing I knew was that you needed me, and I couldn't let you down."
Arthur, her brave, beautiful boy, gave her a small smile. "You've never let me down."
Carolyn couldn't help but scoff. "I have let you down far too often."
"You're brilliant." Arthur insisted, and Carolyn had long since learned that there was no point in arguing with him about whether something was brilliant or not.
"So are you." Carolyn rubbed her thumb across the back of his hand in a soothing gesture that she hadn't used since he was a child who needed a subtle form of comfort after his father had been just a little too harsh with him. "I may not have wanted a child at the start, but I would not change a thing."
Arthur sniffled and lurched forward so he could embrace her. It was an awkward position for him, as she was sitting and he was now stooping uncomfortably in front of her. Carolyn sighed fondly and pulled Arthur towards her so he was sitting on the bed next to her. It was a much more comfortable position for hugging.
"I love you, Mum," Arthur said quietly.
"And I love you, dear heart." Carolyn smiled softly and kissed her son's forehead. She knew that this wasn't the end of the pain, but at least for that evening Arthur was content, and Carolyn was relieved.
In the morning she swore that she would call Gordon and really give it to him. It seemed he needed another lesson about how he should not hurt her son. At least for that night though, she just wanted to hold Arthur close and never let go. He may be an adult, but he was still her baby boy, and Carolyn wouldn't give him up for anything.