Aeor.
Aeor was...
A miracle. A threat. A distraction. A temptation. Ever since they entered its ruins, Essek was shaking, despite all the furs he wore. Not because of the cold, even if he had never felt so cold in his life, despite being in Eiselcross for months. It wasn't a place for Drows. It wasn't a place for anyone breathing. Essek tried to wrap himself in his coat as discreetly as possible, then moved quicker to conserve heat. The last thing he wanted was to be left behind by the strange group of the Mighty Nein.
A part of him wanted to be left behind. Every complex they passed, every street they walked, was a mystery to be deciphered. If he stayed behind, Essek could attempt to defrost some library shelf that seemed intact or that column covered in arcana signs. Even the floor of the corridor was covered with them. Yes, Aeor was a miracle for someone like him. Everywhere he could see the traces of the city's impact against the mountain. The shock had been colossal, too much for the protective spells to hold up. The Gods' anger had been ruthless. It was incredible that so many testimonies of the Aeorians' advancement had survived.
Essek was a genius. It was no boasting, he was. He had learned to use complex dunamantic formulas from an early age with ease. Since then, he has made quick progress and developed revolutionary theories. No one else could have risen so high and so fast in the Dynasty, especially in their first life. Despite this, Essek didn't even understand a tenth of Aeor's marvels. What he was reading there in passing defied his understanding. The temptation to stay and seize this knowledge for himself... Better not to think about it. Essek had learned his lesson well. At least, he hoped so. Power was still a temptation from which he should try to stay as far as possible. Politics and espionage were two areas he should never have involved. Maybe he should thank the Mighty Nein for teaching him that. And what a temptation Aeor was! What a treat, too, if that knowledge fell into the wrong hands, like Trent's or Essek's. With the weapons and the knowledge hidden here, one could destroy and create empires. The Gods had brought down the proud city from the sky for some valid reasons.
His whole life, Essek had been looking for answers about the Luxon and the dunamis. They were here, just beyond his grasp. The Praesidis Ward already contained multiple temptations, but it was worse since they entered the Genesis Ward. If he slipped away for five minutes, what could he find out? What knowledge was hidden behind these doors decorated with dodecahedrons? What could these inert aeormatons reveal? And if he freed these people trapped in stasis bubbles that had frozen them eternally at the time of the flying city's fall, what would he learn? So many testimonies of a dunamancy science separate from the one they developed in Roshana, free from its superstitions...
Essek could not follow these leads. He had promised his help to the Mighty Nein. Not to mention that monsters were hiding behind some of these doors. They were eight of them, but surviving an encounter with these abominations was still a challenge. If he was alone... Essek would not lie, he would follow the Mighty Nein to the end just to avoid this. In the end, he was a coward. But despite this, the temptation persisted. The only consoling thought was that Caleb was feeling the same way. Essek had to remind the human to focus on their task quite often.
Caleb put a hand on his shoulder, pulling him out of his thoughts.
"Fascinating, isn't it? One human life would not be enough to explore the entire city."
"Neither would the life of a Drow. When I see this place, I understand better those who accept the consecution."
"But you would still refuse it."
It was not a question, but a statement. Caleb understood him better than his own family. It hurt a little. Essek looked away and pretended to focus on a half-erased engraving.
"No. I don't want that. I never did, I never will."
"I wouldn't want it either."
"You don't tell me!" Beauregard exclaimed, entering a discussion that Essek had thought private. "I wouldn't want to live even for two or three hundred years. Being doomed to come back again and again without the guaranty that I will find those I have known? And because of something as shitty as out of synch cycles of reincarnation? No thanks, that's a piece of shit!"
"Death is necessary to life", added Caduceus, removing the dust from an old stone chalice which he placed delicately in the same place. "The worst is not not to die but to see the world change, again and again, to return physically without being able to change. Beauty is in change, even in decay, not in stillness."
"Is that why you don't want the consecution, Essek?" Jester asked, leaning in to look him in the eye.
"I'll stick to what I've always said. I am not ready to put my trust in something that I can't communicate with. Something no one can guess the intentions."
"I could ask the Traveler what he thinks about it. Artie always gives good advice. Maybe he can communicate with the Luxon?"
The rest of the Mighty Nein made dubious faces. Surprisingly, Caleb glanced suspiciously at the weasel half-hidden in Jester's hood. A little worried by what he knew of her divinity, Essek said a few words of thanks. Fortunately, he didn't have to wait long for a sculpture with a very vaguely sexual shape to distract Jester again. She called for the others to come and admire it with her.
Essek allowed himself to smile when they forgot about him. The Mighty Nein. So predictable and unpredictable at the same time. He couldn't understand why they were like that. Taken individually, they were overly predictable, but as a group, they became uncontrolled Chaos. Fascinating.
When they had appeared in Roshana, Essek and the whole Dynasty had regarded them as a negligible quantity. A motley group that had no place in the upper drow society. When he saw them, Essek had decided it was better to ignore them. Whatever they hoped to achieve by addressing Leylas Kryn in person, they were obviously going to fail. When Caleb pulled a Luxon beacon out of his bag, Essek was stunned and forced to reassess his perception of the group. After interacting with them during their stay in the Dynasty's lands, he kept reassessing this perception downwards. The Mighty Nein were just a bunch of foolish but lucky adventurers. They would never threaten his plans or find out that he was in contact with the Assembly.
He was wrong; they had discovered him, and, against all expectations, all logic and all common sense, they had not revealed his actions to the Dynasty. Instead, they had decided he was their friend and therefore deserved a chance to redeem himself. His own family would have delivered him to the interrogators with no second thought and allowed any use of torture to make him talk. Only his brother would have refused to do so.
Essek was grateful that the Mighty Neins had spared him. He was determined to prove himself worthy of that trust. However, this trust had confirmed him in his first impression: he was dealing with idiots, and worse, sentimental idiots. He would be their downfall, or they would be his. A brighter wizard would have gotten rid of them to cover his trail. He didn't, so maybe he was also a fool.
They came to a new crossing. Immediately, the Mighty Nein composed themselves. No more jokes. They silently adopted their usual marching order to make sure they were safe. After that, they formed a circle to decide which way to go. Someone was always looking directly into the shadowy corners where a threat might arise.
It was something else to see the Mighty Nein at work. Since they had re-entered Aeor, they acted differently from the group he knew. They were still themselves, messy and noisy, quick to get mad at each other but ready to laugh at everything. However, for the first time, Essek could see their competence. Unlike him, they were seasoned adventurers and here, that counted more than all his book knowledge. When it counted, the Mighty Nein were getting deadly serious. They were perfectly aware of the stakes, better than he. They wouldn't be distracted by Aeor's temptations, wouldn't be frightened by the monsters left behind by its inhabitants.
Maybe they even had a chance to stop this Lucien in time. For the first time, Essek believed in them and considering their survival a real possibility.
The Mighty Nein finally decided which way to go. Essek followed them with a firmer step. However, he lingered behind, close enough not to risk being snatched from the group by an enemy but far enough to observe them at his leisure.
Their posture betrayed no hesitation. They walked forward with their heads held high, even Yasha, who, despite her size, usually tried to shrink to appear less threatening. Now, Essek could believe Beau when she claimed her girlfriend was one of the most dangerous in the bunch. He had underestimated her as a magician could underestimate a woman relying on physical strength alone when he could defy gravity.
Feeling watched, Yasha slowed down until he joined her, letting the others pass her.
"You shouldn't be worried", she whispered in her soft voice without looking directly at him. "They are only two of them now, Lucien and Cree. Everyone will be okay when we're done."
"This Lucien has powers that rival those of a beholder. Only three of us do not rely on magic to win their battles, two even since even Veth is inclined to use arcana. Everyone here has at least one injury, and we know next to nothing about Caleb and Beau's eyes."
Their gazes went to the eye marked on the back of Beau's neck, which seemed to glow darkly in the dimness. Neither she nor Caleb brought up the subject, which made Essek want to shake them up until they revealed what those eyes were doing to them. He wished to force them to promise they would be more careful. Yasha's gaze was haunted for a second, making Essek regret having brought up the subject, then the young woman smiled again. It didn't look genuine.
"Everything is going to be fine," she repeated in a trembling voice. "We have three gods with us. Maybe even four, with your Luxon?"
"It's not my Luxon. It's not even a god, just a mystery to be deciphered."
"You don't believe in him," Caduceus said, walking close enough to hear the conversation. "But maybe he believes in you?"
Essek didn't answer. Aeor was neither the place nor the time for a theological debate. Yes, the gods existed. It's difficult to deny it when their priests could produce actual miracles and communicate with them. The Wild Mother and the Storm Lord were real. Sadly, the Spider Queen had given enough proof of her existence to the Drows over the centuries. However, an Archfey like this Artagan was certainly not a god, and Jester could still do amazing acts of faith as a cleric. Still, there was no proof that the Luxon was one.
No. Essek was a magician. He believed in arcana arithmetic because he had proof of its reality. He believed in the gods because people could talk to them, and sometimes they received an answer. The Luxon was something else. Only silence answered those who prayed to it. Rather than doubting what they had in their hands, they preferred to proclaim that this silence was the proof of their god's existence. Yes, the Luxon seemed to give a lot and ask for nothing in return. It appeared to be. That was the keyword. Where was the empirical evidence? Neither these fiery proclamations nor this silence convinced Essek. The omnipresent testimonies of Aeor's connection to what was supposed to be his religion did not reassure him.
The scholars of Aeor knew of the existence of the Luxon. Did they revere him? It was still a mystery. They seemed to have studied it. The evidence was lacking, but the facts were there. Aeor was linked to Luxon.
And Aeor had fallen. The Luxon had saved no one.
"Stop !" Beau spoke abruptly. "We're frozen, hungry, and if we don't let the wizards play five minutes with Aeor's stuff, one of them is going to have a seizure, and I don't even know which one to bet."
Essek sighed in relief, and not just because of the dunamantic energy he felt in the room and longed to study more closely. He was exhausted. The others may have been seasoned adventurers, but he had spent most of his time confined to his laboratory until he had to flee his government's legitimate suspicions.
"We can stop for an hour," Fjord agreed. "Lucien is a mortal like us. He needs to rest, especially if he and Cree have had as many unpleasant encounters as we. I don't think we'll lose them if we rest."
The Mighty Nein dropped onto their bags, moaning exaggeratedly to show their pain. Essek barely kept his dignity and refused to do the same, but he couldn't suppress a sigh of relief once he was on the ground. Getting up would be difficult. Sadly, Veth heard it and sneered.
"I know someone who regrets he floated around all his life, right?"
"I must admit I would not have thought that my crimes and our friendship would lead me to such places."
Friendship. Saying that word out loud was still a shock, as was the lack of protests from his companions.
"But it would be so great to do it too!" Jester exclaimed. "Say, Essek, could you teach me? Or teach it to Caleb, I'm sure he would love that!"
Essek had learned to be wary of the mischievous glint in her gaze. Even so, he still didn't know how to say no to her. The others could hardly keep back from laughing when they saw his confusion. What they didn't say, but Essek knew as well as they did, was that they too couldn't say no to Jester.
"We'll see," he said at last. "When we get out of here."
When, not if. Essek was as crazy as them, but he wanted to believe they could survive.
Veth handed him her flask of alcohol.
"Need some liquid courage?"
"I would need a lot of courage", he replied as he declined the offering. "I do not know how you find the strength to continue."
"I would rather be home with my son and my husband. I'd prefer I didn't need this flask. But if not us, who would do the job?"
Not the Empire. Not the Dynasty. There were only them. It took courage to see that and leave your family behind to march to near-certain death. Veth had a lot more to lose than he did by breaking into Aeor, but she had come anyway. Another one he had underestimated. Essek had thought that the ex-Goblin had only stayed with the Mighty Nein to regain her true form, then to pay her debt for the other's support. Indeed, Essek had thought that Veth was the one who resembled him the most among this unlikely group. She wasn't. Despite her problems, she was worth infinitely more than him.
Essek realized something else. If everyone proclaimed they were going to be okay, no one here thought there wouldn't be a price to pay. Someone wouldn't come back. It was inevitable. They would even be lucky if only one of them died in Aeor. And everyone was determined to be that person, to give their lives for the world and their friends' survival. Everyone, even Essek. They had this in common. So maybe Essek really belonged to their group. Maybe he wasn't just a last-minute addition to maximize their chances of survival.
Perhaps they really wanted him here, even though he had done nothing to deserve that trust or that chance for redemption. Essek felt like something was burning him inside.
He refused the food offered to him and barely drank. His stomach was too tight for him to swallow anything. He ordered his muscles to relax, to no avail. He would have killed to be alone just for a moment, but it was too dangerous. So, to be sure he wouldn't be disturbed, he leaned against the wall and closed his eyes for a moment.
It's a noise that woke him. The sound of the Mighty Neins' conversation had lulled him to sleep. Essek glanced around, but no one seemed to notice. Fortunately. Magician or soldier, it was shameful for an Elf to fall asleep during such a dangerous mission. His few hours of nocturnal meditation should have been enough. Any commander worth his salt would have scolded him, but the Mighty Nein would probably have urged him to sleep more as if his distraction didn't endanger them all.
During Essek's brief nap, Caleb had left the group. He was examining something on the floor on the other side of the room. Curious, Essek got up to join him, ignoring his muscles' objection.
Of course, he took the time to examine the room. It must have been a laboratory, by the arcana signs on the walls and ceiling. Part of the room had served for alchemical experiments. The equipment and methods have changed little over the centuries. That detail surprised him. In some places, carvings showed the importance of the Luxon in Aeorian scholars' work. It wasn't easy to assess what exactly the person who owned this lab was working on. Unfortunately, a large part of the room had been blown out by an explosion. Some boulders had destroyed a good third of it, making the arcana equations illegible. The black marks on the walls indicated the explosion had originated from a cauldron of which only blackened shards remained. Aeor's impact on the mountain had interrupted a dangerous and now incomprehensible experience. What a pity.
At least this discovery confirmed Essek's suspicions. If Aeor's inhabitants studied the Luxon beacons from an alchemical and an arcane point of view, it was the definitive proof it was nothing more than an object of study for scholars, not a god. Not once had they stumbled upon a place of worship. Sometimes the lack of evidence was proof in itself, like here.
"What connection could there be between Luxon and alchemy?" He asked Caleb as he joined him. "No one in the Dynasty ever developed a theory linking those two elements."
"I do not know. Maybe you can study that one day, ya? Of course, it's more of Veth and Yeza's domain, but I would gladly lend you a hand if I can."
They offered their help and their trust so easily that it was maddening. Did they really forget Essek's betrayal? Didn't they suspect he had thought of killing them to save his life?
"Thank you", he said. "However, I fear we won't find
more clues here, like in the other rooms where we have found traces of Luxon study. Too much has been destroyed. These people's research couldn't have survived. We would have to start from scratch and without hope of success. Did you find something more?"
Caleb straightened up and showed him the object he was holding. It was some kind of eagle carved out of metal, so rusty that it took a moment for Essek to figure out what it was.
"A child's toy," Caleb hissed with a strange curtsy. "Someone played here while their father or mother explored the universe's mysteries. The toy fell to the ground at the time of the disaster. The blast of the explosion must have thrown them in the room's corner. They are there, under those ruins. Poor people."
Essek blinked. Often, he could recognize himself in Caleb. This ambition, this relentless desire to understand the world and its mysteries, was something they had in common. Both had committed atrocities, but the resemblance ended there. Caleb had been manipulated by a professor pretending to be kind to control him better. Essek didn't need anyone to walk the path he had taken.
Above all, where Essek saw only a missed opportunity to uncover more about the mystery that haunted him, Caleb saw the human drama. All those innocent victims of Aeor's arrogance. Yes, it was unfortunate, but Essek didn't see it spontaneously. Instead, he wished he could show compassion and understanding for others besides himself. Could he learn it from Caleb, after the horrors in which he had taken part? He hoped so.
"Time to go," Beau announced from across the room. "Let's not keep that Lucien bastard waiting. I really want to put my fist in his pretty face."
Caleb carefully placed the small toy near the crumbling. If he had been a believer, he probably would have even said a brief prayer. Essek would never understand him, no matter how much he wanted. The human casually patted him on the shoulder, then joined Veth and chattef with her with a lot of gestures. Twice he pointed to Essek. He was already trying to keep his promise to help Essek in his research. Essek couldn't comprehend Caleb wanted to help an Elf who had threatened them to claim each favor he offered them.
The Nein kept moving, quietly conversing. They looked more and more serious as they went deeper into Aeor's ruins. However, Fjord and Beau lingered on the back, still whispering between themselves while Essek traversed the room. Those two were the most suspicious of the Mighty Nein, and Essek agreed with them. They were right to be wary of him, even if he had no intention of abandoning them or stabbing them in the back. This suspicion almost reassured him. It was normal. Expected. Unlike their friendship.
"Don't worry," he said, passing near them. "I don't plan on lingering here. Although, yes, I dream of tearing out Aeor's secrets, I won't do so until our mission is over. I understand the stakes, the threat that Lucien and the Somnovem represent. You have no reason to trust me after what I have done, I understand, but I assure you you can devote your full attention to the danger in front of you."
Fjord whispered one last thing in Beau's ear, nodded in Essek's direction, then walked away to join the rest of the group. Beau shrugged.
"We're the Mighty Nein. We trust each other until proven guilty, even when it's the fucking worse decision we could take. No one believed Yasha was willingly working with Orban, at least not seriously. We stuck with Fjord even when we wondered if he might try to free Uk'otoa to keep his powers. Jester's dad works with shady people, but as long as he doesn't hurt Jester, we're fine. You said you would help us. That's enough for us too. But when a magician stays silent and lingers in the back, I prefer to check what's the problem."
"Everything is fine."
"Sure ?"
"Certain. I won't give in to the temptation to explore Aeor on my own."
"I'm not talking about that. You look at us strangely."
Essek winced.
"I apologize. It's just... You're different from what I imagined. If I am to fight by your side, I must know you better. Understand your strengths and weaknesses to help you the best I can."
"Then you're a moron. Talk with us. You'll learn more than watching us from afar. Let's join the others."
Easy for her, hard for him. The slate he had to erase was full of blood. And even without that, how do you join such a tight-knit group? Caduceus had succeeded, but the cleric acted like he was everyone's old friend. Unfortunately, Essek did not have his gifts. He could only watch the Nein laugh and easily touch each other with a pang in his heart, quite confident he could never have that kind of intimacy with anyone.
The rest of the group was already way ahead from them. Essek could only see a faint light at the other end of a tunnel. He tried to speed up, but his tired legs protested again. Beau slowed down to keep up with him.
"Seriously", she asked. "Why?"
Essek did not hesitate for long. He had promised himself not to hide anything from them, but he found it ridiculous to share his desire to belong to the group. He chooses another angle of approach.
"Everyone here thinks he will have to die to save the others."
Beau snorted derisively.
"Sure. We are all excessively co-dependent fools. Even better, everyone feels they're guilty of something. Veth, Caleb and I couldn't save Molly. Yasha, Fjord and Jester hate themselves for not being there when he died. We all said to ourselves that if things had been different, Lucien wouldn't be here today, and we're all determined to be the only one to pay the price for our failure. You?"
"I came with you because it was better to die by your side and prevent one of you from suffering this fate. Eventually, the suspicions against me will become more than suspicion. Saving the life of one of you at the cost of mine seemed a better fate than the death reserved for Dynasty's traitors."
"As I said. Idiots. Everyone here has something to prove to themselves. Well, maybe not Caduceus. Or Jester. They just want to help because it's the right thing to do. But the others... We're selfish bastards."
"But you're not there only because of your lost friend, aren't you? Veth says it's because no one else would have come."
Beau thought about it for a moment.
"She's right, of course. Molly wanted us to leave every place we went a little better when we left. But it's not the only reason. I think that for Veth, it's because she has decided that she is the mother of all of us, and she can't be a good mother to her little Luc if she did not make sure that all of her other children survive this adventure. Caleb wishes someone had been there to stop him before he kills his family, so he wants to do the same for Molly. For Fjord, it's not very different. He could have wiped out the world by freeing Uk'otoa. It's a hell of a slate to erase, but you know what it is."
Essek nodded. He had never especially considered the resemblances between him and Fjord, but yes, both had done or nearly did something terribly out of selfishness and ambition. Maybe they were more alike than he and Caleb.
"Yasha does this because Molly was her friend before they even started travelling with us, and she still hopes he's there somewhere. She wants to free him as we saved her, but a dispell won't bring back Molly, and I don't know how to tell her. And me, it's because I want to face my father and tell this fucker he was wrong about me and that if he had only seen him instead of abandoning me and sell me, well, maybe some of my victory would reflect on him."
Ah. Essek understood Beauregard better with this last piece of information. He knew what it was like to live with a family that would never be happy with what he did and always expected more. He would never have expected to feel close to Beau.
"It's going to be hard to lose someone if everyone tries to sacrifice themselves for the others."
She laughed at his sorry excuse for a joke.
"I see what you mean. The Mighty Nein, the perfect recipe for disaster. A well-placed spell from Lucien, and we all leave together. At least we'd be in good company, right?"
The Mighty Nein. Always surprising, always determined to challenge fate and enemies too strong for them. Ready to laugh and yell their defiance of death. As quick to punish their enemies as to forgive those they considered friends. Maybe he was going to die trying to stop Cognouza's return. Maybe they would all die. And even if they were successful, that wouldn't be enough to make other people to forgive their crimes or for them to forgive themselves. In the end, it doesn't matter. It wouldn't stop them from trying.
Essek smiled again. Yes, if nothing else, he was in good company.