"Sometimes letting things go is an act of far greater power than defending or hanging on." - Eckhart Tolle.
(O.O)
Six months.
That's how long it had been since he's come back as a ghost haunting the big multi corporation building of Wolfram and Hart. Within that time, he spent most of it thinking about his place in the world.
He died in a blaze of glory, just like he wanted.
He saved the world for her, just like she wanted.
He was done.
He was finished.
And yet here he was. Lurking and doing nothing but existing, if what he had at that moment was what you called an existence.
He couldn't leave. Nor did he want to really die, because he knew where was going when he truly did, and despite what he said to Angel and his crew, he didn't want to go to hell.
Even if he deserved it.
With all the free time he had, he spent most of it annoying Angel and his crew. It was fun and he can tell that he was really getting to the gigantic forehead.
But you can only do the same thing over and over before things get boring.
And at that moment, he was bored.
Angel had started to master the art of ignoring him and Wesley and Gunn were doing important things that he knew he shouldn't disturb. Green-jeans was out and even Fred was doing something.
So he was left with nothing better to do than to think of his past and his last moments with her.
No, you don't. But thanks for saying it.
He said that to get her out of there. At the time, he was indeed happy to hear those words from her. But he knew that if he kept her any longer, she would've died with him.
And he couldn't have that.
He told her to run and watched her go before finally burning up, laughing despite the pain because he was happy.
The happiest in his entire existence.
At that moment, he was more than just Spike the Slayer of Slayer turned good nor was William the gentle Victorian poet.
'
At that time, he was Spike, the Champion of Buffy Summers, the Slayer, and he couldn't have been any happier.
That was the death he wanted.
But coming back was the thing he didn't want.
He had no say in his return and this wasn't even what he considered a full resurrection. He was a ghost of the vampire he used to be and he hated it.
What he hated most was the fact he couldn't see her. Nor did he know much about how she was doing.
Was she happy? Was she living the life she always wanted? Did she mourn him?
The last one was the question he asked often.
Do you mourn me, Luv?
It wasn't fair to her for him to wish that upon the woman he loved. To wish that she at least cried for his death. To be miserable as she thought of what she lost.
But he couldn't help it.
He spent so much time by her side, begging for crumbs from her that he can't help himself from wondering if he at least left an impact on the girl he died for.
But that was just wishful thinking.
He knew the truth though. At least the truth that he got from Angel and his contacts that were spying on his Slayer.
Apparently, his girl was spending most of her newfound freedom going to the beach and shopping in the stores of Italy. She was happy and living the dream life she wanted.
A life without him in it.
It hurt, but he expected nothing less from his Slayer. She was someone who spent the last eight years of her life saving people and sacrificing her happiness for the sake of others. He couldn't blame her for deciding to live what remained of her life enjoying sunny beaches and going on spending sprees and generally having fun.
She deserved it.
He died so he could have that life. Even without him in it.
At least he was happy with the knowledge that he gave that to her.
"Spike?" a voice called from behind him.
The vampire turned and saw it was Fred, the nice scientist who was helping him to recorporealize.
"You need something, dove?"
The sweet Texan smiled. "I was wondering if you wanted to join me for lunch at the cafeteria."
"I can't eat, Luv," he responded with a sad smile.
At first, the young scientist's smile faltered but then she gave him a tender look.
"I know. But you can still sit with me and talk with me while I eat. I'll appreciate your company, Spike."
His eyes widened at this before his gaze softened at the young woman's kind gesture.
"Then I'll be happy to join you, pet."
He didn't like his current existence, especially since she wasn't in it. But he wasn't as unhappy as he expected himself to be.
He missed her. But surprisingly, despite the kind of existence he was living, he's was doing okay despite being away from her.
(O.O)
Two weeks since the time he went to lunch with Fred and it's been three days since he got his body back and won a fight against Angelus. And within that time, he spent most of it contemplating on what to do with his unlife.
When he left Angel at the warehouse where they fought, he went to visit Fred and told the kind Texan that he was leaving town. She immediately asked him if he was going to see Buffy.
At the time, he said yes. However, he never boarded the boat that was heading to Italy, nor did he use the number he took from Angel that he was certain was her phone number to call her.
Despite every cell in his corporeal body telling him to just contact Buffy, he hesitated.
He died for her. She was finally free of him and from what he heard, she was happy.
Did he really have a right to go and ruin things for her?
Should he really do that to the woman he loved?
Of course not!
Despite what many people thought of him, he wasn't a selfish bastard.
He cared for the people he loved and he was willing to do anything to make them happy. Even if it was at his own expense.
Buffy was happy and that's all that matters. She deserved that and she deserved to live her life without him to remind her of the horrible past she used to live in Sunnydale.
As he watched the boat that was going to Italy sail he whispered his goodbye to the love of his unlife.
The End
(O.O)