Disclaimer - I don't own, just borrowing.
I need you.
His thumb grazes her lip as she wrenches herself away from their awkward embrace, retreating to the corner of her living room. He follows her movement, toppling out of the chair he collapsed in when he arrived. He recovers, stumbling to stand before her. He doesn't make another move, doesn't close the distance as he stares at her with undisguised emotion. Red-faced, tear-swollen eyes, wild, pain and love. Unguarded.
In the other room, Noah coughs quietly. It's enough to bring distract them for a moment as they both react to the noise and stop, cocking their heads towards her sons' door, waiting to see if Noah will wake up or settle himself. Silence follows, and Olivia sighs in relief. She doesn't need their first introduction to be made during an emotional outburst. She needs to feel more secure before he meets her son. UC or not, he needs to stop dipping in and out with her.
She eyes Elliot; hands resting on his hips, head tipped toward the floor, studying the rug under her coffee table. She finds it odd to see him in her space, where he's never been before. He's such an integral piece of her, it's strange trying to fit him into a life he's been missing from.
I want to talk.
He's never been this open with her and its overwhelming. Her heart beats erratically; her breathing, heaving her chest in and out, isn't steadying her as it should. Her head spins; as confused as he is. The months since he returned his presence has felt like a tornado ripping through her life. She wants to detach herself, squash the chaotic spiral that it's becoming. She knows it's never going to happen; she's never been able to detach herself from Elliot. She needs him, they balance each other out. Even when he was gone, she felt herself thinking, acting, like him when she missed him most, when she needed him most. She filled the gaping wound he left in her life, yet it never truly healed.
She's envisioned their reunion more times than she can count. Reality, and Fin, had other ideas. He literally blew up, in true Elliot fashion; fitting, really. She never imagined they would reconnect as Kathy lay dying. She's tried to tell herself she only stayed at the hospital because of his wife, his children. She didn't need an explanation, an apology, what's happened in the last ten years, not at that moment. She knew she needed it, because if it was the only chance they got, she didn't want to live the rest of her life without one; except it burst out of Elliot as he needed to focus on something other than Kathy dying. In the aftermath he anchored himself to her and everything else in their lives, as it always has, faded into the background.
Aside from recent events, the last ten years seem to have been good to him. He looks good. Talks about coffee while looking out over Rome; he never had a passport when she met him. He freely admits his feelings. She wants blame his PTSD, except she read his letter and he wrote that before Kathy died. She doesn't know what he would have said if he had to stand up in front of an audience that fateful night. What the hell was Fin thinking?
He's changed. And part of her hates him for it. Envies him for it.
She doesn't know this Elliot. She can't predict what he's going to do or say. She doesn't know how to be around this Elliot. After all this time apart, they've fallen back on their old routine, their old habits. She processes every interaction afterwards, when she has the energy, rather than in the moment. They're draining, confusing, even hours later.
All of that aside, Olivia loves having him back. There's a familiarity and grounding that she's missed. The instinctual, natural rhythm they have when she knows when to hold him back and he knows when not to cross the line she's drawn. The years separating them draw her in as much as they hold her back.
Their lives are so different now; she doesn't know how to reconcile that with him or their past. So far, she's kept him and Noah apart. She panicked when he turned up nearly thirty minutes ago, pounding on her door, demanding to talk, to be heard. Elliot is such an integral part of her, yet he's a stranger to her son.
"Liv," Elliot breathes out, his apology, his plea.
I need you.
Her eyes connect with his, she never noticed the shift of his attention. She watches his daze lifts as he examines her, finally seeing her, seeing her desperation. "You're not ready."
This isn't their time, not yet.
She loves him, has for years. He loves her, has shown her in his own way for years.
She needs assurance whatever they might have in the future has nothing to do with the fallout from Kathy's death. His kids expect her to have power over him, as if she's the only person he listens to. She can also sense an expectation from them, like her relationship with their father is inevitable. She wonders what they've witnessed to make them believe that. She remembers Kathy uttering her disbelief of their lack of contact on her death bed.
She's been where he is, in that deep, dark hole and she dug herself out. He needs to do that. She hasn't been able to express to him how she felt when he left because she can see him going through the same, like she's looking into a mirror. Anger, shock, grief, desperate to rationalise the circumstances surrounding his sudden absence.
I want to talk.
"Not yet," Olivia admits with a shake of her head. She wishes she was ready for whatever he's offering, but she doesn't think he knows what he's offering either. Whatever it is, she doesn't think it should be decided in the aftermath of Kathy's death or the investigation of her murder. Whatever they have, whatever they become, it needs to be a clean, fresh start for both of them. With their history, it seems almost insurmountable. "I don't think you are either."
"Not yet," he whispers, his promise, his plea.