Play 35: Helpless Feelings

Souji turned and looked at me, his lips twitching into his usual smile, and then I realized that he knew I was listening in to the conversation the entire time. I stood there for a while, shifting my foot uncomfortably when he chuckled.

"It's all right, come sit down over here." Souji patted the space next to him, and I gulped, suddenly nervous. Nodding, I slowly sat down, avoiding eye contact. There was a deafening silence as I tried to think of something to talk about.

Maybe I should talk about the sky again...I tilted my head back. I swallowed the lump in my throat and fidgeted. "Uh...The—"

"You didn't buy all the crap that doctor was saying, did you?" Souji started, and I flushed red, embarrassed that I was about to say something lame. "C'mon, do I really look like I'm sick?"

I lowered my head and stared into his face intently. When he noticed it, he smiled at me cheekily, and I blushed again. "A-actually, yeah, you do." I coughed awkwardly. "If I stare hard enough, I can tell you're sick."

"You're such a liar." Souji laughed teasingly.

"I'm not!" I shot up from my seat abruptly, before sitting down again. "I'm not a liar." I muttered, trying to convince myself.

His smile widened. "I don't want you to take this seriously, all right? He was just guessing." Souji paused for a moment. "Overreacting." I just shook my head. The symptoms were almost as clear as day, so Souji couldn't sway me. "You wouldn't tell anyone about something that was just a guess, right? If you tell anybody..." He gave me a smirk. "Then I'll probably have to kill you after all."

"It wasn't a guess," I blurted out. "But I wouldn't say a word."

Souji stood up from the bench, and I did too. He turned to face me, and I glanced up, trying to hide my emotions from my face. I wanted to burst into tears, but I knew it wouldn't help. Moreover, I hated crying.

"Thanks."

I nodded to acknowledge it, and felt my heart stopped when I saw him smiling gently. How could he be so calm about this? He was going to die. Anyone would be screaming their lungs out right now, let alone smiling like that. I turned away, feeling worse than ever, and quickly excused myself before my tears came back again.

My previous good mood was gone for a long time, replaced by an overwhelming sense of dread surging in my chest.

Like Matsumoto had mentioned to Souji, he visited the headquarters to check up on the men of the Shinsengumi. He seemed quite contented with the way they were currently leading their lifestyles, and I was a little too—I didn't exactly liked how the dust danced in every inch of the rooms.

"Hey! Guys! Listen up!"

Harada and I glanced up to see a flustered Nagakura hurrying towards us. I frowned, confused as it was rare to see him like this.

"What, you run into some outlaw ronin out there?" Beside me, Harada's previously teasing smile was gone, replaced by a serious scowl.

Nagakura shook his head solemnly. "No, it's way worse than that. I heard that Lord Iemochi's dead!"

Iemochi? That name sure sounded familiar. I racked my brains a little more before I came up with an answer. "Wait, that shogun of Tokugawa Shogunate?" If the history books and my memory weren't wrong, the Shinsengumi had been assigned to guard him before, and he was something like a mascot of the shogunate.

Harada's eyes widened in disbelief. "Are you sure? Man, this has gotta be the worst time for something like this to happen..." He trailed off, frowning. "What's gonna happen to the Choshu Expedition? Have they decided on a new shogun yet?" The Choshu Expedition was created after the shogun gathered other domains and launched it for the sole purpose of destroying the entire Choshu Domain.

"I don't really know any details." Nagakura sighed.

"There's no way we can go to war without a leader," Harada pointed out tiredly. "It'd destroy morale."

"I know. I've got a real bad feeling about this..."Nagakura made a face. As their serious conversation about politics continued, I drifted off.

What was going on now? It was as if everything was beginning to crumble in front of my very eyes. Was it my fault? Did I not only absorb life energies but also good luck? I shook my head abruptly, erasing my negative thoughts. It wasn't the time to think like that now.

My gut feelings turned out to be right, though. The most recent Choshu Expedition was a failure as most domains withdrew from the war upon hearing the news of Iemochi's death. With not much men to win the battle, the shogunate government had lost the war automatically.

"Ah...It's so hot..."

If I had been wearing my t-shirt, I would have fan myself with it. Beads of sweat dripped from my forehead as I wiped them away endlessly.

"Indeed," Saito replied shortly. I looked at him for a while, trying to read his face, and failed miserably. As we turned to a junction, he stopped and stared. "I'll begin with this store. Wait here. There is nothing for you to do inside."

When he was gone, I let out a loud sigh so that passers-by frowned at me. Unintentionally, Saito had reminded me how useless I actually was to the Shinsengumi. I didn't know about the properties of medicine, and whenever one of the guys asked me, Matsumoto had to jump in to help me. It was also really lucky for me that the good doctor was present whenever questions about illnesses or medicine arose.

"Hey, outta the way! You got a couple patriots comin' through here!"

I looked at the direction where the voice came from and knew immediately that some ronin were causing trouble. They were yelling around as if they owned the place, and as if there was no law. I glared at them, fuming that they would use the authority of the imperial court just for selfish reasons, and pondered if I should go and get Saito.

"Hey! You deaf? I told you to move!"

The ronin kicked and missed a child who was playing in the street. Blood boiled in my veins—how could they hit someone who couldn't fight back? I was going to confront the troublemaker when a girl appeared out of nowhere.

"Desist, you hooligans!" She glared at the ronin without a sign of backing down, and my jaw dropped. It was rare to see someone, let alone a girl, stepping up to the ronin. The girl had placed herself between the crying kid and the ronin.

"Wassis?" The ronin hissed. "You think you can tell us what to do, lady?"

The friend beside him snorted rudely. "Ha! Some brad wants to pick a fight with us! Patriots loyal to the emperor!" He looked around, his arms spread wide, trying to get the attention of other passers-by.

Suddenly, he made a grab for the girl, but missed. Thinking that it wouldn't be so lucky for him to miss again, I charged up to the ronin bravely and took a deep breath.

"Stop it, you bastards!"