Play 40: Love's Pain's Lost

"Kaoru!"

I grabbed her arm and pulled, trying to be as gentle as I could. She turned to face me, and looked surprised.

"Ah, it's you." She sighed. "You ran after me so suddenly...It scared me."

"S-sorry." I bowed a little. "I need to ask you some things." I paused hesitantly. "Are you involved with the notice board incident at Sanjo Ohashi Bridge?"

Kaoru's lips twitched into a kind smile, but it looked to me as if she was teasing me. "I don't know. I do go by Sanjo Ohashi fairly often. Is that a problem?"

"No, but if you are involved in that..." I trailed off, wondering if I should ask her something else.

"Did you want to ask if I'd even been there at night?"

My blood froze. She must had gone there that day--she sounded really suspicious right now. I lowered my eyes at her.

"I have another question." When she smiled almost encouragingly at me, I continued, my eyes fixed on her. "You said you knew who I am. Are you...who I think you are?"

Kaoru's smile widened. "That would have to depend on what you are thinking, Jun."

I frowned. "I don't think I told you my name. Does that mean you know who Chizuru is?" When she said nothing, I clenched my fists, becoming more impatient. "You. You are a demon, right?"

"Who's a demon?"

I whipped around to see Souji eyeing the two of us warily. Kaoru had a rather mischievous smile on her face, and I dreaded it, afraid that she might have some scheme. In the worse case scenerio, she would expose my real identity to Souji and get all of us killed by those crazy twins.

"Nobody. Nobody." I said it as if I was trying to convince myself that. I forced a smile. "Did you hear...?"

He shifted his eyes to Kaoru. "If you were involved with the incident at Sanjo Ohashi Bridge, you and I are gonna need to have a little talk." He smiled menacingly. "I don't want to give away all the details, but it ends with your death."

There was a horrible tension in the air before Kaoru spoke elegantly. "Oh, you're Okita-san from the Shinsengumi. Thank you for helping me the other day." She bowed, but Souji ignored that.

"So, you gonna answer the question? Were you there that night?"

I gulped at the sight of his smirk. Knowing him, I knew he was serious about killing her if she was behind the notice board incident. He looked as if he would use his sword if Kaoru moved unexpectantly.

"My death...?" She giggled as if Souji had told a joke. "Please, don't say scary things like that. Lots of people pass by Sanjo Ohashi during the day." She paused as if thinking. "At night though...I don't go near it, because of the notice board stuff." Her expression then changed, as if she was falsely accused. "I can't believe you suspect me just because my face happens to look like someone else's. I don't know anything..." She gave me a sideways glance.

I knew she was acting--after all, I was an actress. My eyes narrowed, and I looked at Souji. If he hadn't interrupt us, I would have found out something about her. I resisted the urge to grab and drag her into one of the alleys.

"If you do...please write to me at the Shinsengumi headquarters. You know where that is, right?" I said cautiously. Kaoru beamed, understanding what I meant immediately. She knew I wanted to know more about her--or her connection with Chizuru. She leaned towards my ear.

"I don't know anything about demons." Something in her voice told me otherwise. I glared as she bowed, excusing herself.

I felt Souji's eyes shifting to me. "What were you two talking about?"

"Nothing. Nothing. Nothing much." I mumbled under my breath.

His eyes narrowed suspiciously. "I heard something about demons."

"Nothing. I was...telling a joke." I laughed weakly, but I knew he wasn't deceived.

"You look like you're hiding something though."

"I said it's nothing, alright!?" I burst out, afraid that he might find out. If he found out, Yuri might kill him. It couldn't happen, not right before me.

There was slience as passers-by shot us weird looks. Then Souji began to cough. I took a step forward in concern, for he was clutching his side painfully.

"Stay back!"

I froze as he glared at me, a hand out to stop me from coming closer. "But..." My voice cracked, and I remembered the things Yuri said.

Quit acting so selfish and childish.

You don't belong here.

You're a replacement for her existence in this world.

Those sentences repeated over and over in my head, and I felt something snapped in my head.

"I'm...I'm fine. So just...stay there, okay?"

I stared at Souji who was still coughing uncontrollably, and when he stopped, he looked up astonished. It was then I realised that I was crying. I quickly wiped the tears away, but they came back fast.

"Replacement..." I was blurting things out of my mouth now. "I'm just a replacement of her. Is that why you push me away? Everytime when I try to care?" It burns. My throat burns. "You're an idiot! Have you not notice? I...I..." A lump formed in my throat as if it didn't want me to continue speaking. But I did. I was unstoppable.

"I like you! I like you so much that I hate you!"

It's out now. Everyone in the streets stopped to look at me, but I was running away from Souji now. I wanted to go home. I wanted to go home. Why did it hurt so badly? If it was supposed to hurt like that, I wanted to go home, back to the world where I could escape my pain with acting.

It felt like I was running forever. I stopped, panting and gasping desperately for air, and glanced back.

Souji didn't chase after me.

I sighed. It was expected. After all, there was no way Okita Souji would run after me, let alone held the same feelings as I did. I stared at the ground, painfully aware of that fact as I wept sliently.

"Jun...?"

I looked up to see Sen, her face concerned. "What's wrong? Why are you crying?"

My defenses crumbled down at the sight of her. "Sen...!" I hugged her tightly as I cried loudly against her kimono. I didn't care about dirtying her kimono. I didn't care about my pride. I didn't care about anything else.

All I knew was that it hurt.