His Mother's Eyes

by gleechild

AU - 5 years ago, Ryan Clarke spent one perfect night with the woman of his dreams only to have her disappear come morning. Never knowing why she left, he's about to learn the truth and have his world completely turned upside down. Alternate Universe, Futuristic, No Supernatural, Established Handon, Holarke Endgame. Loosely based on Heart's "All I Want To Do Is Make Love To You."

3. Chapter 3

I own nothing but my own words.

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Chapter Three

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"Ryan, come in," Landon said without the same excitement he had when he first met him.

Landon turned and Ryan was forced to follow or be left in the doorway.

That was his first clue that something wasn't right.

"Have a seat," Landon said, motioning to a comfy couch in the sitting room. "Do you need a drink or...?"

"Not yet..." Ryan watched Landon nod his head then sit across from him. His brother had yet to make eye contact with him. Something was very wrong...

"She told you, didn't she?" Ryan asked softly.

Landon nodded then sprang to his feet to retrieve a drink for himself at the small side bar.

"I didn't know she was married," Ryan breathed out. "I'm sorry."

Landon shook his head, pouring a drink quickly.

"I know. You sure you don't want anything?"

"Whatever you're having," Ryan said, thinking Landon just wanted to keep moving. His brother was obviously struggling to keep it together.

Landon poured the second drink just as quickly then came back to sit, passing Ryan his.

Ryan immediately took a sip. He didn't know what to do or say. That was the reason he wanted to talk to Hope. Her leaving yesterday without any word of explanation had done nothing but make him question her motives even more. If she had just taken one moment to talk about their son, he would feel a lot better about this conversation with Landon. But she ran away from him.

He glanced around. Even now, she still seemed to be running. Was she going to hide away all during dinner too? Would they even be having dinner?

"She's out back with him," Landon said, seeing Ryan look around the room. "I wanted to talk to you first."

So. She wasn't running away this time. And even though she hadn't spoken to him about it, she had spoken to Landon. That was something at least.

"Well, you opened the door and didn't try to kill me, so that's a promising start," Ryan said with dry humor. He wasn't laughing though, not about any of this.

"Like you said, you didn't know she was married," Landon said. "And you definitely didn't know she was married to me. You aren't responsible for what happened. I'd never try to kill you for that. I did consider not opening the door though."

More dry humor.

Ryan appreciated it. Neither of them found the situation amusing but they were trying to make the best of it.

"You're doing pretty well," Ryan said. "Considering…" Considering his wife just told him their child wasn't his.

"I've known what she did since the day she found out she was pregnant," Landon said tightly.

"Oh," was all Ryan could say. At least she hadn't lied for the past five years. He was actually most relieved about that. Something told him the situation would be very different if Landon had spent all that time believing the boy was his.

"It was my fault," Landon pushed the words out. "I couldn't give her what she wanted more than anything. But you could."

Bitterness flashed across his face as Ryan watched.

He tried to follow. He was missing something.

"You know," Landon laughed sharply to himself, "when I met you last week, that was the first time I actually believed he was mine."

Landon's eyes met his.

"He has your eyes. I thought, wow, he had to be mine, and all this time I thought he wasn't. That the specialists were wrong and it was possible."

Suddenly Ryan understood. He knew exactly what Hope wanted.

He felt decidedly queasy about it.

"I have my mother's eyes," Ryan managed to say.

Landon nodded.

They both fell silent.

Ryan struggled with words. He knew there were other things that needed to be addressed. For instance, where did that leave the possibility of creating a brotherly relationship… especially since he did not intend on leaving this house before discussing his son and finding out whether they would allow him to see the boy. Corporate Law didn't lend itself very well to Family Law but that didn't mean he didn't know someone who would help him if need be.

"You wanted to speak to me first without Hope," Ryan finally said. "Just so you know, that's over. Whatever happened, whatever I felt for her, it was in the past. She left and that was—it."

He wondered if she mentioned their reunion yesterday to Landon. He figured he may have been greeted with a fist if she had, though Landon didn't seem like much of a fighter.

It definitely would never happen again though. Especially not with the truth he was just handed.

"I know that too," Landon said. "That's not why… There's another reason I wanted to talk to you."

Ryan nodded.

"Since I was a baby, I've cheated death, like, a lot," Landon said. "The night my parents were killed in that crash, I was with them but survived miraculously without a scratch. The same thing has happened through the years. Swimming incidents, skiing accidents, the list goes on. When it seemed like it was impossible, I somehow emerged from the ashes unscathed."

Ryan frowned. What did that have to do with anything?

"A few months ago I got some news, and this time I'm not going to miraculously walk away from it," Landon said with a sigh. "Hope suggested I make a bucket list of things I've always wanted to do… one of those things was to learn more about my birth parents."

His gut sank.

"When I found out about you, I didn't think it would be fair to introduce myself when I wasn't…" Landon cleared his throat. "Hope encouraged me to anyway. I wasn't going to tell you this soon. But then all of this happened and well…"

"What's wrong?" Ryan managed to ask.

"Tumor," Landon said as lightly as possible. "Brain. But hey, at least I found out my mom's side has a history of it, crazy considering there's only a five percent chance of it being hereditary. So you're fine, and so is…" He trailed off then cleared his throat again.

"Guess everything really does happen for a reason, right?" Landon shrugged it away. "I guess you want to see him—"

When he started to rise, Ryan reached out.

"Wait."

"Yeah?" Landon asked, looking deflated. Two intense topics back-to-back were clearly weighing heavily on him.

"What does this mean for us?" Ryan asked. "Admittedly, I'm not happy learning I have a brother only to learn I'm going to lose him—how soon?"

"It's advancing rapidly, so probably a few months," Landon said. "This was my last work trip. It's going to get worse really soon."

"And they can't do anything?" Ryan asked. "Radiation? You don't look like you've tried."

"Because it advanced too much by the time we found it," Landon explained. "There were medications to relieve the swelling that helped for a while, but it's inoperable. Chemo at this point wouldn't do much but make the last few months suck."

Ryan understood. The radiation could possibly help him live a little longer but quality of life would deteriorate rapidly. At that point it didn't become a question of how much longer he wanted to live, but how well he wanted to live.

"I'm glad you found me," Ryan said truthfully, wanting to give Landon some peace of mind about that at least. "Having a brother, even for a little while, is better than never having one at all." Obviously, he was glad for another reason too, but he was being honest and he was pretty sure Landon knew it.

"I guess she was right about that," Landon said, his eyes thanking him silently.

"No matter what comes next, you're my brother and I want to be brothers… as long as you still want the same," Ryan said hesitantly.

He knew this wasn't going to be easy, trying to navigate everything. Would Landon even want to continue spending time with him, knowing he slept with Hope?

Landon slowly nodded.

"Not gonna lie… I'm still trying to wrap my mind around everything," Landon said. "I forgave her, but this is bringing all the old hurt back. There may be times I'll need a break."

"I get it," Ryan said. "That works for me."

Landon cleared his throat.

"Also, so you know, you can see him whenever you want," Landon said tightly, struggling with the words. "I'm leaving everything up to you and Hope. I've been his father his entire life, but… I'm not really his father."

"I wouldn't say that," Ryan said. "But…"

"But he's the son you never knew and you want him," Landon said sadly. "Talk things out with her. She won't fight you… unless you try to take him away."

"I'd never do that," Ryan said quickly.

He may be very angry with Hope at the moment and was itching to talk to her, but he would never take his son away from his mother and the only family he had ever known.

"Good," Landon nodded. "Do you want to… meet him?"

Ryan wanted to. God, did he want to. But he couldn't, not like this. Not when his anger towards Hope kept growing the more he absorbed everything Landon told him. He didn't know if kids would pick up on that sort of tension, and he didn't want that to be the first impression his son had of him.

"I need to talk to her first, before I meet him," Ryan said, hoping he understood. "I need to…" Vent his frustration and somehow bury every emotion that had built up inside him over the past five years that elevated her in his mind. Everything came crashing down the more he learned. In a few months, he would be mourning his brother, but tonight? He was mourning the death of every hope and dream he ever had where she was concerned.

"I'll go first," Landon said. "It's almost his bedtime anyway. I'll take him up while you talk."

Ryan took a deep breath and nodded.

Something told him the night was about to get even more unsettling than it already had.

---

Early summer was upon them and with it came beautiful evenings outside on the patio.

Though the last thing on Hope's mind was the weather.

She tried to distract herself from her thoughts, watching her son crash dinosaurs in the sandbox. The t-rex was demolishing the dino village complete with sound effects.

"Roar!"

Any minute now, Landon was going to come through the sliding glass door and Ryan would follow.

While she was nervous, part of her was relieved that her baby would finally get to know his real father, especially since Landon wasn't going to be around much longer.

She shook her head.

Now wasn't the time to think about that.

Of course, thinking about her conversation with Landon last night didn't help either.

"What are you saying?" Landon looked at her, his cheerful mood diminishing rapidly.

"He's his father," she admitted, preparing for the blow up.

"How is that even possible?" Landon's voice rose slightly as he took in her words.

"I don't know," she said, her own voice sounding a bit hysterical. "He came to see me, told me who he was, and I-I-I panicked."

"So you're saying you slept with my brother?!"

"I didn't know he was your brother!" she defended.

"No, but you knew he wasn't me!" Landon snapped.

"Are we really going to do this again?" she said. "We've been through this and we moved on. You know what I did, and you know he isn't yours."

"Damn it, Hope," Landon said in frustration, sitting on the edge of the bed.

She sat next to him but kept her distance as she waited for him to calm down. He didn't get angry and walk away as much as he used to, but she was pretty sure this was taking a severe act of will not to leave. He knew there was more to talk about than just the identity of their son's father though.

"You realize the chances of my long lost brother being the father is…"

"Seven billion to one?" she said. "I know."

"I showed him a photo of you two," he frowned. "He must've known immediately."

"Don't hold that against him," she was quick to say. "He was probably in as much shock as I was, as you are. And then he wanted to make sure I knew before he came to dinner, so I didn't walk into that. He must have a million questions."

Landon was quiet.

She figured defending Ryan might not be the best way to handle this, but she spoke the truth. Hopefully Landon didn't read more into it.

"Talk to me," she said. "Yell at me some more if you need to. Say whatever you need to say."

"What else is there to say?" he said.

"Is he still coming to dinner?" she asked. "Do you still want to let him into your life? Into our lives?"

"I think you already know the answer to that."

"No, I don't," she said. "I don't know what you're thinking at all."

"He's a part of our lives now whether we want him to be or not," he replied. "You said he's an attorney? We'll be lucky if he doesn't sue us for custody."

"He's not that kind of attorney, and he wouldn't do that," she said.

"You spent one night with him and didn't even find out his name!" Landon said sharply, the old bitterness rearing its ugly head once more. "You don't know anything about him, least of all what he'll do next."

"If he was going to take him away from me, he wouldn't have showed up today to talk," she pointed out. "He would've had us served and we wouldn't see him again until court. I'm telling you, I know at least that."

"This is incredible," Landon said in a harsh voice. "How am I supposed to even talk to him now? I wanted a brother, not a-a-an interloper!"

"He's your brother and he didn't do anything wrong," she said. "It was me. It was all me. He didn't know I was married. You forgave me, can't you forgive him? He's innocent in all of this."

"I know all that," he said. "But that doesn't make any of this any easier."

He clutched at his head.

"Are you okay?" she leaned forward suddenly, touching his shoulder.

"Yeah," he let go of his head and shrugged her off. "I'm frustrated, not getting worse. Not yet anyway."

But he was going to get worse. A lot worse.

Hope already knew the coming months were going to be hard. Yet another person she loved was going to die. Knowing about it before it happened was better in some ways because she would have plenty of time to say goodbye—something she never had with her parents—but watching him die slowly? She would give anything to not have to experience that.

But fate had other plans for her. Just like fate had thrown a giant curveball at them both.

Hearing the patio door slide open, she knew it was time to face fate head-on.

Landon walked out alone.

She met his eyes, hating the haunted wounded look she could see.

"He wants to talk to you alone first," Landon said. "I'm gonna take him up."

She nodded, standing.

"Sweetheart," she said, stooping next to the sandbox. "Pick one of the dinosaurs to take inside. Daddy's going to get you ready for bed." He already had dinner earlier. They figured given the situation even they wouldn't be having dinner with Ryan, and they usually ate dinner later than their son anyway.

Her son looked up.

"Five more minutes?" he asked with a hopeful grin.

Heart melting at that smile, she shook her head with a smile of her own.

"Ten more minutes tomorrow," she said. "I promise."

He frowned, considering.

She watched him mentally count the numbers. He recently graduated from preschool and knew his numbers up to twenty. He was still learning, but he knew whichever number came first wasn't as much as the number that came second.

"Okay," he said begrudgingly as he picked the stegosaurus and stood.

"Let's go, bud," Landon said, reaching out for his little hand.

"Daddy, did you see? Stegosaurus won against t-rex!" he exclaimed.

"Wow, one tiny stegosaurus against a big t-rex?" Landon asked, leading him away as his face lit up for the first time in hours.

Hope watched them walk inside, chattering away, knowing her baby would talk Landon's ear off all through his bath, right up until he tucked him in. Then he would be out like a light.

Ryan came to join her a few minutes later.

His eyes met hers, and she tried to remember how to breathe.

Five years later and he still had the ability to take her breath away. The same thing had happened yesterday.

Just one of the many things about him she never told Landon.

It wasn't like Landon wanted any details anyway—thank God.

"You know," Ryan began, "I've wondered a million times why you left me that night. Wracking my brain, trying to figure out what I did wrong. Knowing I didn't. Knowing only you held the answer."

She quivered at the tone of his voice. It was the complete opposite from yesterday. Yesterday, he didn't know anything. Yesterday, he kissed her back. She knew this conversation would be quite different.

"But I never once thought you were using me to get pregnant," he finished in anger.

"I didn't—"

"Didn't you?!" he interrupted her. "And now I know why you left, and I know why you did it. But what I don't understand is how I could be so wrong about you!"

Hope felt her own anger surge.

"How could you know any of that when I haven't told you!?" she snapped back.

"I tried to get your story yesterday," he smirked snidely, hurt at the memory. "Didn't work so well. But your husband—and, my brother—told me everything. How could you just use me like that!? If you wanted a baby that badly, there are other options!"

"Believe me, I know!" she practically shouted at him. "I didn't use you!"

"Then what would you call it?" he retorted. "Because from where I'm standing, your husband couldn't give you what you wanted so you found a random stranger to do it for you!"

"I didn't sleep with you to get pregnant!" she denied emphatically.

"Then why did Landon just say you did!?"

"Do you really think I went into detail about everything?" she asked. "I told him I cheated and I was pregnant. That was all. He decided to forgive me after a lot of arguing, but I never once told him why. He never asked. I guess that was just the only reason that he could accept in his mind."

"Then why," he said. "I, at least, deserve to know."

"Because I—" she quieted down slightly, suddenly cautious of anyone overhearing even though the inside of their home was massive and Landon would be in a room at the front of the house where it would be impossible to overhear.

"Because I wanted you. Because I connected with you. I was on the verge of ending my marriage because I was miserable," she admitted. "And… because I never felt the way I did with anyone like when I was with you."

He stared at her, not knowing what to believe, but... she really had no reason to lie.

Her telling him exactly how she felt about him corresponded with everything he ever felt about her.

But none of it mattered anymore.

"It was an accident," she said. "I know it's hard to believe but I did not spend the night with you to get pregnant. I wanted to stay with you."

"Then why did you leave?" he asked in frustration.

"Because you said you didn't want kids," she sighed.

"I never said that," he denied.

"I asked you, Ryan," she said.

"I remember everything from that night," he said. "I've replayed it in my head enough. You never asked me that."

"I—"

"And!" he interrupted her again. "Even if you did ask, I would never say I didn't want kids. Why do you think I'm here tonight!?"

She bit her lip, not liking what he was saying. Because if it were true then… she seriously screwed up.

"Before you fell asleep, I asked you," she said. "I asked if you ever dreamed of having a family, kids. You said no."

Ryan closed his eyes. He didn't remember that conversation, probably because, as she said, he was falling asleep. But he also knew why he would have said 'no.'

He opened his eyes.

"I said no because I don't dream of things I don't think are possible."

He read the question on her face.

"I had mumps as a kid," he explained. "It's supposed to be almost impossible for me to have kids. Almost, but not really impossible apparently."

Realization spread across her face.

"You took that away from me," he said quietly.

Hope wanted to cry. She already lived with the guilt of what she had done to Landon. Now she would have to figure out how to live with what she had done to Ryan.

"The chance to know my own kid."

"I'm sorry," was the only thing she could say.

"No," he shook his head. "It's no excuse. Whether you thought I wanted him or not, you should have done something to find me."

She opened her mouth to speak, but he interrupted her once again.

"And don't say you tried because I left my info at the hotel," he said. "I called into the front desk for a year hoping you'd change your mind. You never did."

That wasn't what Hope was going to say.

Though now she wanted to point out that she wasn't a detective who solved cases. But, he was right, she could have tried.

What he didn't know was that she did.

"I guess there's no changing any of that," he continued. "Now, I just want to build a relationship with my brother and with my son. And I'd rather see you as little as possible."

Her throat clogged and she struggled to swallow.

What he didn't know was that six months into her pregnancy, her hormones were making her crazy to the point that she cried at everything. She got it into her head that she couldn't keep the truth from her mystery guy, it made her too sad. He had a right to know. She wanted to go searching for him. She was going to start at the hotel, then go to the museum and ask for a guest list and try to narrow it down.

At least, she was going to do all that until Landon asked her not to.

More like demanded in a fit of anger. He was still struggling with what she had done at that point.

She gave in to avoid hurting him even more, and the hormones eventually calmed down.

She couldn't tell Ryan that. Not when he wanted to build a relationship with Landon. She didn't want to do anything else to drive a wedge between them.

Landon's final months would already be strange and messy.

So, she swallowed the lump in her throat and replied.

"Consider it done," she said hoarsely.

It was best she stay away from him anyway.

"I'm not sure I even want to ask about yesterday," he said. "I shouldn't have kissed you back, but…"

"I wasn't thinking," she shook her head, looking away, focusing on the shimmer of the pool through the wrought-iron gate. "I didn't expect to see you ever again and when I did…well, I already told you how I felt about you."

Bereft, that's how she had been feeling for months before she saw Ryan. Life had once again knocked her down and she was coasting along as best she could. She was struggling to be as positive as possible for Landon, but the knowledge that she would soon be alone once again had made her lose a lot of hope for the future. Her son was the only bright spot in her world but what did a four year old know about helping to slay Mommy's demons?

Seeing Ryan was a dream come true. She had wondered about him a million times over the past five years. Would she ever see him again? What would she do if she ever did? She spent more time than she should missing the way he touched her, held her, and worshiped her. She missed being touched intimately. Whether it was a side effect of Landon's condition or not, they hadn't done anything in a while.

She forgot why she shouldn't—an effect Ryan seemed to have on her—and before she knew it, she asked him to come with her, to relive that night.

"He's dying, Hope," he said. "I didn't know that, but you did."

And if he had agreed, she would have hurt Landon all over again. She would officially be one of the worst people in the world. The kiss was bad enough.

"Yeah," she said, eyes shimmering with tears. She wiped away one that escaped. "I know all about it."

He sighed. The tears and sadness in her voice got to him.

He wasn't as angry anymore. He was more… sad.

And maybe he shouldn't keep being so harsh with her. It was clear she was struggling. This was her fault, but she knew it. And even though she said she wanted to stay with him before the misunderstanding, she still went back to Landon. She stayed with him, raised her child with him, and she was the one who was going to bury a husband months from now. It was obvious that she loved Landon very much.

The kiss yesterday, it was wrong, but he didn't really have any idea what was going on in her head or what her life was like. Just like how he accused her of sleeping around, he needed to stop judging her. He would bet she never once strayed again after their encounter—excluding yesterday's… whatever that was.

Encounter, he scoffed at himself. That night was a bit more than that.

"So…" he said, taking a deep breath to release as much tension as possible, "are you ever going to tell me his name?"

Hope cleared her throat, wiping at her eyes to clear them, her lips slipping into a tiny smile.

"James," she said. "James Mikaelson-Clarke."

"Mikaelson," he squinted, amused. "An unusual middle name, but I know where it came from."

"It's not a middle name," she said. She twisted her lips in amusement. "His last name is Mikaelson, dash, Clarke. My last name is Mikaelson. I kept it when I got married." The universe sometimes worked in their favor. Since both brothers had kept their biological father's last name, James actually had the last name that was rightfully his—in bold print on his birth certificate.

"You're kidding," he said, feeling pretty much like an idiot. "Your….?"

"Father," she answered. "My father was Niklaus Mikaelson. It was my speech you missed that night."

"So, all those articles about the event that I avoided because you asked me not to look for you would have had your face all over them?" he asked, stupefied.

"Pretty much," she shrugged.

Feeling jarred, he shook his head amazed at how easy it would have been to find her if he had ignored her request. If only she hadn't left those damn heels.

Speaking of…

"You really named our son after a shoe?" he teased. He actually loved it, but he loved teasing her too. The fact that she chose to name their son something that reminded her of him, especially something that intimate, more than proved that she really did have feelings for him. He wondered if Landon knew her reason for choosing that name. He would guess not.

"It's not like anyone actually calls him Jimmy," she defended. "Plus, James is a very nice name."

Her smile grew wider for the first time. She had never been able to share with anyone the true meaning behind her son's name. She knew if she ever met her mystery guy again, he would understand immediately. Her falling into his arms because her heel missed a step was the reason she met him in the first place.

He found himself smiling back and getting lost in her eyes as the memory of her in nothing but stockings and heels invaded his mind.

Damn it.

He forced himself to look away.

He was never touching her again. She was his brother's wife, and his son's mother, and that was all she would ever be to him.

"Landon's putting James to bed," she said. "Did you want to meet him tonight?"

"Tomorrow's good," he said. Best to meet James when he wasn't falling asleep, plus there was a lot he needed to process.

"I don't know what you want to do about custody," she said, "but you're welcome here whenever you want. Just call ahead in case he has a play date. He doesn't start kindergarten until the fall, so he'll be home most of the summer. It might be best if you come here to see him at first? Just until he gets used to you? I'm not saying you can't take him for a day or," she gulped, "over night. But… give him time?"

"I agree," he nodded. He hadn't actually thought that far ahead. His mind was mostly focused on learning everything he could about her, and the want to meet his son.

James.

"And I'll be sure to stay out of your way," she promised. "Landon'll be here too, which will be good… so you two can talk and… brothers, right?"

"Right."

"Should I… see you out?" she asked.

He shook his head. He wasn't surprised they weren't having dinner. Not after everything revealed. Also, he couldn't very well sit across the table from her when he told her to keep away.

"I'll find my way," he said.

"Then, goodnight, Ryan."

"Goodnight, Hope."

---

Today he was meeting his son for the first time.

To say he was nervous was an understatement.

He could count on one hand the number of times he had been around children in his life, and he never actually spoke to one.

Landon answered the door again.

He wondered if he would see Hope that day, or if she would do as she promised and steer clear when he was around.

"He's playing in the den," Landon said. "We haven't told him anything yet. We weren't sure how much he would understand. We figured it would be best to introduce you and go from there."

Ryan nodded and followed.

He noticed Hope immediately, standing on the periphery of the room. She acknowledged him but didn't approach or speak. If anything, she went to stand in another doorway to watch.

Deliberately pushing her out of his mind, he followed Landon to sit on the couch near James who was on the floor surrounded by toys.

James drove a matchbox car through a maze of dinosaurs making speeding car noises.

Ryan watched him silently, taking in everything about him.

James had Ryan's eyes and Hope's hair. He also had Ryan's cheeks and chin. That grin on his face was a perfect replica of Ryan's when he was James' age. He was around three feet tall and full of energy as he flitted around on the floor.

It took a few moments for James to realize anyone else was in the room besides his parents because he was so engrossed in playing. Ryan was grateful for the time so he could really see him for the first time. With every second, he was falling harder for this miniature version of himself. This boy was his, his flesh and blood. The emotion threatened to choke him.

James was perfect.

"Daddy, who's that?" James asked when he noticed Ryan.

"Go ask him yourself," Landon said gently with a smile.

James stood and walked over to Ryan, staring at him with open curiosity.

Ryan, who thought most children were shy around strangers, was taken back a little at how direct he was. Then he realized this was Hope's son too, and she was gregarious and had probably never been accused of being shy in her life.

"Who are you?" James asked.

Ryan wasn't sure what to say. Did he just come right out and say, "I'm your father." What child would understand that? James didn't know him at all. Ryan was a complete stranger to him. James already had a mother and a father—a father that he would lose in a few short months.

After some quick thinking, he knew, deep down, what he had to do.

In this, he needed to take things slow.

James needed him to take things slow. James needed him to not take the only father he had ever known away from him when he was already going to lose him.

"My name is Ryan," he said.

"Hi, Ryan," James said in the most adorable childish voice. "Do you want to play?"

"Sure," Ryan agreed with a smile. "What're we playing?"

"Dinosaurs," he reached over and grabbed a long neck dinosaur to hand to him. "You gotta protect this one from the t-rex though. He doesn't like to eat other dinosaurs, but the t-rex does!"

Hope covered her mouth as her eyes filled with tears. That James took so well to Ryan wasn't much of a surprise. James was a lovable boy who was curious about everyone. He knew not to talk to strangers when his parents weren't with him, of course, but Ryan was there with Landon.

The emotions weren't coming from James' instant acceptance of Ryan, rather they came from knowing how much this moment meant to Ryan. It was written all over his face. Ryan was in awe of James. All it took was one second in their son's presence and Ryan was ready to do anything James asked.

As Ryan joined James on the floor being instructed that the cars were trying to avoid being stepped on by all the dinosaurs, Landon slipped away and joined her.

"He told him to call him Ryan," Landon whispered.

She nodded. She heard.

"Why?" he asked.

"If I had to guess, he probably did it for James," she whispered back. "Make things easier on him."

"He's really a good guy, isn't he?" Landon asked softly.

"Yeah," she said, heart clenching. "He really is."

Landon watched her as she watched Ryan and James.

Something in her gaze didn't sit completely right with him. It was the first time he saw them together in the same room.

And it was the first time he wondered if there was more to what happened five years ago than he realized.

He looked at Ryan again.

His brother had barely glanced at Hope or acknowledged her since his arrival. He figured Ryan was doing that for his benefit, to make sure he knew there was nothing to worry about as he vehemently pointed out the previous day.

So, why was he suddenly worried?

And did it even matter anymore?

---

Ryan wasn't one to use much vacation.

In short, he was a workaholic.

For years now, most of his vacation days were rolled over into the next year, and the next, and the one after that. He was proud of the work he did and focused too much on continuing to be successful to take any kind of long break.

Given the current circumstances of his personal life though, he made arrangements to take the majority of the summer off. He still had to check into the office once in a while and answer the occasional question, but, thankfully, he was granted his leave of absence.

He needed time to be a constant in his son's life. James needed to know him just as much as he knew Landon and Hope. He didn't want to be an "every other weekend" father. He wanted to see him every day if he could. Fortunately, no one was trying to hold him back from his goal.

Thus began his summer of family—something he hadn't had in nearly fifteen years.

He spent a lot of time playing with James, with Landon joining in most of the time. He learned more about dinosaurs than he really ever thought he wanted to know, but James picked up every detail like a sponge. It was his favorite topic to talk about, and Ryan loved talking to James.

As for him and Landon, Landon had grown up in the outdoors with his adoptive family which was why Ryan found himself fishing, of all things.

Growing up with a single mother in the city, Ryan never spent much time in the great outdoors; but, since Landon suggested it, he figured there was no time like the present to try.

Sitting on a boat in the middle of a lake, waiting for something to catch the bait was hardly the highlight of his life, especially since they were releasing what they caught. What was the point?

He soon learned it wasn't about the fish. It was about the time spent together. Landon had picked the perfect activity for them to get to know one another, though he started with easy topics like his childhood.

"One time, Raf thought he caught the big one," Landon recounted a story. "His line caught on something and no matter how much he tugged and winded, he couldn't reel it in. Dad and I joined in to help, and we started pulling instead of winding because the reel wouldn't move anymore. The line snapped, but Raf couldn't let it go. He had to know what he 'caught.' So he jumped in. Turned out the line got stuck on an old tire. Of course, when he tried to climb back into the boat, he tipped it and both me and Dad ended up taking a swim too."

Landon had tons of stories to share like that, and Ryan let him talk. He felt sometimes that Landon still wasn't sure how he really felt about him. Most of the time, Ryan thought they were getting along pretty well, but sometimes Landon got a look on his face like he was lost in bad thoughts. That look was almost always followed by Landon finding some excuse to leave the room or some reason that Ryan should leave.

---

At first, the truly best times with Landon were the times they spent together with James.

Being in the midst of summer, they put the outside pool to use as often as possible. One of Hope and Landon's goals was to help James become a strong swimmer. The fence around the pool was installed years before, specifically so their once toddler couldn't fall in by accident. But they were well aware that anything could happen anywhere at any given time.

Spending time with his son took a bit getting used to. He had to keep reminding himself that a child had a million things to learn, so he couldn't assume James understood everything. James was naturally inquisitive and talkative. As soon as the question popped into his mind, he made sure to ask it.

Remembering the first time he went swimming with James, he had to smile.

He changed into swim trunks and joined James and Landon outside before removing his shirt to toss onto a lounge chair.

James walked over to him, staring up at him curiously.

"Ryan, where's your fur?" James asked.

"My what?" Ryan looked around in confusion and saw Landon attempting to hide a smile and failing.

"Daddy has fur," James said. "Why don't you?"

Realizing he was referring to the fact that Landon had a lot of chest hair while Ryan did not, he glanced at his brother again.

Landon nodded encouragingly, telling Ryan to go ahead and answer.

Ryan considered his words carefully before responding.

"All men are different," he explained. "They come in all shapes and sizes with different features, like some have a lot of hair and some don't."

"Daddy has a lot," James said.

"And I don't," Ryan nodded. "Either way is okay though."

"Okay!" he said before running to get his arm floaties, the answer sufficient for him and his mind was already on to the next thing.

"James, don't run!" Landon called, then to Ryan with a smile, "You did good."

It wasn't a big thing but for someone who never spent time around children and wondered if he could be a good father when he had grown up without one, that approval meant a lot. He didn't need approval, it wasn't like he would ever stop trying, but knowing that his brother had relaxed enough with him to be encouraging to him said even more about how far Landon had come in getting past the Hope thing. It gave him hope that they were on the right track in their relationship.

The very best day of swimming came when James looked to him for something Landon had always done.

"Help?" James asked, holding up his arm floaties to Ryan.

They were getting ready to swim, and James still wore his floaties around his upper arms the majority of time they were in the pool.

This was the first time James had asked Ryan to put them on him.

Stooping, he took one from his little hand and slid it up his arm before doing the same with the other. He tried to make it look natural, like he was completely unbothered by the process, but inside he was smiling and doing a victory lap. The more time he spent with James, the more comfortable James was around him.

Day by day, Ryan could see it. How excited James got when he arrived. The way he was quick to show Ryan what new and exciting thing had happened in his life since Ryan had left the afternoon before. And now he was asking Ryan for help with something Landon usually always did for him.

He glanced at Landon, but his brother was climbing down into the pool. He really needed to start asking Landon the tougher questions when they were alone. What he thought of as small victories, did they bother Landon? Whether it did or not wouldn't prevent Ryan from further developing his relationship with his kid, but he could at least make sure Landon knew he was aware and wasn't trying to steal James' affection away.

"Ready to get in?" Ryan asked with a grin.

"Ready!" James exclaimed, excited.

James turned and tried to run, but Ryan gripped his shoulder gently.

"Remember, no running," he said, knowing by now the little scamp always needed a reminder.

"Okay!" James said and walked quickly to the edge of the pool.

"Daddy, catch me!" James called out right before he jumped off the edge.

Landon was already there waiting, grinning when James splashed the water all over them both.

Ryan jumped in beside them, laughing when he splashed them both again.

After that, they took turns tossing James back and forth, the delighted squeals he made as he splashed made both men look at each other and grin. Nothing in the world could top experiencing this kid's laughter.

James loved to play chase in the pool, especially since he could hold onto Ryan's back while he chased Landon, or hold onto Landon's back while he chased Ryan. All he had to do was hold on for the ride.

Once they played for a while, it was time for James to practice swimming without the floaties. They stood a few feet apart while James swam from one to the other. When he got the hang of it, they stepped further and further apart but never far enough so one of them couldn't spring forward to catch him if he had a problem.

Through it all, Landon was always more open and carefree than when they were alone. Something about James made his brother forget all about his worries and have the time of his life.

Ryan could relate.

Most of the time he couldn't tell Landon was sick, especially during pool time. Ryan had to drive them everywhere they went though. There was no way of knowing when Landon would have a dizzy spell or lose focus. Ryan looked up the symptoms he might experience and knew exactly why Landon told him it was going to get worse. Headaches, muscle weakness, coordination problems, the list went on and was quite extensive.

While Hope was around some days to take James to play dates—days that Landon and Ryan spent together if Ryan didn't have to pop into the office—or to take Landon to appointments—days that Ryan spent with James at their house, she was mostly gone whenever Ryan was there. He knew she didn't have a set career, he remembered she told him she was a trust fund brat. She mentioned serving on committees but he didn't think that would keep her busy nearly every day. He told her to keep her distance from him, but he didn't expect to barely ever see her. And, though he hated to admit it, he wanted to see her more—if only in passing.

When he couldn't contain his curiosity any longer, he asked Landon. He usually avoided talking about Hope, but he figured once wouldn't hurt.

"I'm surprised Hope isn't around much during the day," Ryan said as he set up the finger painting for James while he put his toys away.

"It's only a few days a week," Landon said, grabbing a few towels, knowing James was prone to making a mess with the paints, but he loved it. His Grandpa Klaus had loved to paint, so James wanted to do it too.

"So, does she spend her days shopping or something?" Ryan asked, knowing that didn't sound like Hope at all, but he did wonder if his request had made her vacate the house knowing he was there. He hadn't meant to kick her out of her own home.

Landon gave him a strange look.

"No… she very rarely shops," he said.

Landon didn't have time to elaborate because James finished cleaning up and ran to the table, excited to get started.

He didn't think he should pursue further discussion with Landon about Hope and how she spent her days, but the next time he saw her, he would make a point to tell her she didn't have to leave the house just because he was there.

The chance he was waiting for came the following weekend.

---

The Waithe's were hosting a 4th of July family BBQ and all family—including Ryan—and some friends were invited.

Ryan would get to meet Rafael and Landon's parents for the first time.

"What did you tell them about me?" Ryan asked when he arrived at the Waithe house, entering through the back gate and relieved when he spotted his brother immediately.

"They know you're my brother," Landon said. "That's all that matters."

So… did that mean his parents knew about him and Hope or not?

Walt and Lucia Waithe were veterans who loved their boys and a good party. Lucia was the type to arm wrestle everyone at the party while Walt manned the grill.

They were also happy to meet Ryan, so that answered his unspoken question.

"If we'd known about you," Walt said a little while later after he convinced Ryan to let him show the proper way to grill hamburgers and hotdogs, "You'd have learned this long ago. And we'd have had three troopers to wrangle on our camping trips."

"I had my mom," Ryan said, frowning slightly as he held the metal spatula awkwardly. It wasn't as if he was put into foster care after the death of his father. He grew up in a family, small as it was.

"I know that," Walt clapped him on the back with a gruff laugh. "But ain't no reason not to spend time with your brother from time to time."

"That would've been nice," Ryan said as convincingly as possible. Living off the land was another one of those things a city boy like him had never partaken in—and he wasn't sure he ever wanted to. Fishing for a few hours he could deal with, but overnight trips to the middle of nowhere with nothing but bugs, snakes, and bears to keep them company?

Nope.

Hope was struggling not to laugh.

She wasn't sure she had ever seen anyone look as out of place as Ryan did behind that grill. Her father-in-law could be a little intimidating if you didn't know him. He was taking full advantage of that fact at the moment.

Spotting the grin on Hope's face, Landon followed her gaze expecting to see her watching James 'beat' his grandmother at arm wrestling since his mother always let him win. But no. She was watching Ryan again.

He swallowed and looked away.

He needed to find a place to sit. He wasn't feeling too steady today. The last thing he needed was for his legs to give out and make everyone worry about him.

"Hope!"

Both Hope and Landon turned their heads.

"Maya!" Hope called out. "You made it!"

Landon grabbed a chair to sit at a table, cursing inside. Turning his head quickly like that was a bad idea.

Maya made her way through the gathering and hugged Hope.

"Who says no to a barbeque on the 4th?" Maya said.

"Food's over there," Hope said pointing. "Drinks are over there. Dig in, then come join us."

She pulled out a chair and sat next to Landon.

"Be right back," Maya said with glee as she spied the food.

"Do you need anything?" Hope asked Landon softly.

"I'm fine," he said as politely as possible.

"You had a dizzy spell," she said. "I saw you."

"Did you really?" he forced out. His head was pounding. It seemed like he could never get rid of the headache. It persisted for ages. Most of the time, he could handle it, but when it amped up, it was even harder to focus.

"Yes," she said. "We can go early if you want to leave. They'll understand."

"No, I can do this," he said. "I just turned my head too fast. It'll ease off in a few minutes."

She took his hand and held it lightly.

"Okay, but I'm here if you need anything," she said sincerely.

He could see the concern and love in her face. He internally sighed as he gripped her hand too. He would never doubt her love for him. He just didn't know how she really felt about Ryan. He never asked her. Now, he was scared to. Why ask something he didn't want to know the answer to?

"So…" Ryan said awkwardly, coming to stand on the other side of the table with a plate of burgers and hot dogs on buns. "Walt loaded this up and sent me over?"

Landon glanced at his father and saw him eyeing him. Of course his father had noticed his little episode. That man was more in tune with him than he was with himself.

"I'm not hungry," he said. "But sit, and have one. You can test them out since you were the one to grill them, right?"

Ryan glanced at Hope before he plopped the plate down and sat.

"I figure he wouldn't let them off the grill unless he was sure they were ready, no matter who was manning it," Ryan said, reaching for a ketchup bottle in the middle of the table.

"That may be true," Landon said, "but I'd still go with a hotdog, to be on the safe side."

Ryan did exactly that.

He hesitated for a second then nudged the plate toward Hope.

"Want one?"

"I think I'll try a burger," Hope said with an amused smirk as she let go of Landon's hand and reached for the ketchup too.

"Your family really knows how to throw down, Landon," Maya said as she came back and plopped two loaded plates of sides on the table next to Ryan, then grabbed a hotdog from the pile in front of him.

"That they do," Landon said, suddenly wishing Hope was still holding his hand. He tried to act like his diagnosis didn't bother him, he didn't want anyone to make a big deal about it, but sometimes something small, like holding his wife's hand, comforted him more than she probably even knew.

Or maybe she did.

Maya settled down and reached out to Ryan.

"Hi, I'm Maya," she said when he took her hand to shake it with the one not holding the hotdog.

"Oh, sorry," Hope spoke up. "Maya, this is Ryan, Landon's other brother. Ryan, this is my good friend, Maya."

"She works with Hope at the shelter," Landon explained.

"Shelter?" Ryan asked.

"Yeah, the women's shelter on Main?" Maya said. "I work there; and, Hope, here, has volunteered for years."

Well, that explained some things, Ryan thought. Guess he didn't have to say anything to Hope after all.

"Is this seat taken?" Rafael said, appearing next to Landon and indicating the chair on the end of the table between Landon and Ryan.

Landon perked up immediately.

"Na, bro, sit, join us," Landon said.

"Ryan," he continued, motioning to each man, "Rafael. Rafael, Ryan."

"Hey," Ryan said with a smile.

"Sup," Rafael said, glancing at Ryan for a second before turning back to Landon. "He's got her playing leapfrog."

Hope and Landon both laughed.

"Your mother may act tough," Hope said, "but she's the biggest softy around James."

"And he's gotten so big!" Maya exclaimed. "He's grown at least five more inches since I last saw him. He's going to be a tall one, isn't he? I wonder who he got that from."

The statement wasn't that strange given how short Hope was and that Landon was only five inches taller than her, but then, Maya didn't know the truth.

Ryan noticed Landon glance at Rafael as Hope replied and started gushing about James.

Neither brother said anything, but given Rafael's lukewarm hello and the look he saw them exchange, it was obvious that, unlike Landon's parents, Rafael knew the truth.

At least Landon's brother wasn't being outright hostile, but now he knew why he hadn't met Rafael until now.

As the day continued, he took note of the easy comradeship between the brothers. He knew he would never have that with Landon, but he was grateful Landon was putting in the effort.

---

He broached the subject the next time they went fishing.

Yes, more fishing.

Ryan knew it was one of the easiest activities for Landon to do. His brother was getting worse, but he kept trying to hide it from Ryan for some reason. There were only so many times Landon could leave a room gripping hold of the wall, or stop doing something in the middle of an activity just to sit before Ryan noticed. Landon was looking paler than usual too. He hadn't seen Landon eat much either, which made him wonder if the nausea was kicking in.

"Rafael knows," Ryan said.

"He does," Landon replied. "He's known from the beginning."

"When I first showed up?" Ryan asked.

"No," Landon shook his head. "Raf isn't just my brother. He's my best friend. When Hope… told me what happened, he was there for me just like he's always been."

"I suppose we'll never have that," Ryan said.

"It was always going to be different, but yeah," Landon said. "I didn't want to after she told me, but you asked for a chance and I couldn't say no. I do like you and we're… good. But we're never going to be brothers like me and Raf."

"I know," Ryan nodded, knowing it wasn't just about Hope and James. Time wasn't on their side. There was no way of stuffing thirty years of memories built together into three months.

"But we are brothers," Landon said. "And, it occurred to me that I'm usually the one talking out here. You've heard a million stories about me, but I haven't heard much about you."

Ryan shrugged, "Before now, my life consisted mostly of work. The occasional date or drink with colleagues—things like that. But mostly, work. I'm an attorney in corporate law, and a good one."

"What about before that?" Landon asked.

"College. Law school. Columbia," Ryan said.

"Ivy League?" Landon said. "Impressive."

"The jobs certainly think so," Ryan said with a slow smirk.

"What about before that?" Landon asked. "And don't say high school. That's all just surface stuff. That's what you do, not who you are. I don't even know why you picked law."

"I'm good with the details," Ryan said. "Examining the facts, seeking out the loopholes, using them to my advantage—things that could make or break a business. It's like a mystery that needs to be solved. A little dry for most people, but it makes sense to me. And the money doesn't hurt."

Landon laughed.

"My mother died the summer before I started college," Ryan recollected. "Breast cancer, but it was quick…or drawn out depending on how you look at it. I'm no stranger to watching someone I care about die. Which is why I know you're going to keep acting like it doesn't bother you until you can't hide it anymore. I already know though. You don't have to hide anything from me. You don't have to come up with an excuse every time. I get it."

"Trying to make the conversation about me again, huh?" Landon joked.

"Found me out," Ryan teased, though his eyes conveyed his sincerity.

"I'll keep that in mind," Landon cleared his throat. "In the meantime, how about a story of Ryan Clarke the kid and what kind of trouble he got up to in the big city."

"Trouble? I was never that bad, but I remember one time, I was maybe nine?" Ryan began. "I found a cat. An alley cat. No tag or anything. Probably born on the street. I thought it was sick, so I took it home."

"Uh huh, and?"

"I wasn't allowed to have a cat, so I took it to my room to hide," Ryan explained. "Kept it in a big box in my closet and tried to nurse it back to health."

"I bet the cat just loved that," Landon said with an amused smile, knowing it definitely did not.

"Nope," Ryan laughed. "And neither did my mom. She was allergic. I had it in there for a couple days and Mom couldn't figure out why she kept sneezing so much. Turned out, the cat was pregnant. I came home from school, opened the closet to six extra kittens, and knew I had to tell Mom. She was not happy."

"Your punishment?" Landon asked.

"No ice cream for a month," Ryan revealed.

"That's it?"

"Well, that was bad enough!" Ryan said. "I may have been grounded from all electronics for the month too."

"And yet, the ice cream is what you remember most?" Landon asked.

"I used to love it," Ryan said. "I kinda outgrew that."

"Did you? Sure I wouldn't find a couple quarts in your freezer if I looked at your condo right now?" Landon teased.

Ryan shook his head but hid a smile.

"No, not quarts," Landon said, "You probably have pints in at least six different flavors of the elite brands. Only the best for my brother."

Ryan had to laugh because he wasn't wrong.

"You know…" Landon shook his head. "Hope did the same thing. Sort of."

"Yeah?" Ryan asked, careful not to change his face in any way. Landon had never deliberately brought her up in conversation before.

"She told me about it," Landon said. "When she was a kid, she found a dog that was hurt so much, it could barely move. She managed to get it into her red wagon and cart it home. She unloaded it onto some blankets and called for her mom to help."

"What happened?" Ryan asked.

"Her mother came alright, then she promptly told Hope to get away from it before calling the national wildlife service," Landon said. "Turned out it wasn't a dog, it was a wolf."

"No kidding," Ryan said, amazed.

"Nope," Landon shook his head. "I didn't even know you could find wolves in Louisiana. But apparently the red wolf is indigenous to the area."

So he and Hope even had a childhood story in common. He wondered what else they had in common.

Shaking himself of those thoughts, he quickly changed from the subject of Hope and launched into another childhood memory. He found that it was nice being the one sharing his life for once. Best of all, Landon really wanted to listen.

Time went on and there were more fishing endeavors. Not that Ryan minded anymore. They even brought James with them a couple times. Landon warned James did not have the patience to sit still for a lengthy amount of time, which was why they never stayed long when he came and why they always stayed on the fishing deck instead of going out on the boat.

Landon was sitting down on the edge of the dock with James next to him, struggling to bait the hook for James. As Ryan watched, Landon completely missed the worm a few times. He was getting frustrated that his coordination was so off.

"Come on, Daddy," James said impatiently. "I wanna fish!"

"Just a second," Landon said.

Ryan sat next to Landon on his other side and asked softly, "Do you want me to?"

Landon bit his lip, wanting more than anything to say no, but he knew it was impossible. He handed it to him.

"James," Ryan said, "I just learned how to do this not too long ago, so let's see if I can pass the test and do yours."

"Okay!" James said.

Ryan finished baiting the hook and started passing the child size reel over Landon to James.

"James, why don't you come sit between me and Ryan?" Landon said, patting the deck boards on the side between him and Ryan.

Ryan shifted to make more space.

James scrambled up and walked around to do just that.

Ryan gave him the reel and, glancing at Landon, helped James get the reel going.

As James worked, looking down into the water, calling, "Come here, little fishies!" Landon said softly, "Make sure he doesn't fall in."

Ryan felt a kick in his gut. Landon was worried he wouldn't be able to help James if something happened.

"And, if you can," Landon continued, looking out over the water, "Stay from now on until Hope gets home?"

"I will," Ryan agreed immediately.

Ryan swallowed and looked down at James. Landon was admitting he wasn't well enough to take care of James by himself any longer.

"Do you want to go?" he asked softly.

"No," Landon said. "Let him try until he gets bored."

Fortunately, James started getting antsy and could barely sit still after twenty minutes.

Ryan packed up everything before reaching down to carefully help Landon to his feet.

When Landon wobbled, unsteady, Ryan slipped an arm around his back to help hold him up.

"What do you need?" he said, glancing at James to make sure he was staying away from the lake like he was supposed to.

"I can walk," Landon said. "Just give me a minute."

There clearly weren't going to be anymore trips to the lake.

---

That evening he waited for Hope to arrive.

Landon was laying down upstairs, and James was occupied with driving his cars on the big race track Ryan had gotten him a couple weeks ago. He had painstakingly put it together with James needing to be involved in every step of the process—hence the reason it took all day instead of the hour it was supposed to.

"Ryan," Hope said in surprise, setting her bag on the kitchen counter. "You're still here."

"I need to talk to you," he said, settling into one of the tall seats at the counter.

"Okay..." she said slowly.

Hope knew something would have to give soon. As much as she was aching to finally have another conversation with him, she figured the next time he sought her out would be for one reason and one reason only.

To discuss custody.

"He's getting worse," Ryan said. "His coordination is completely off, he's weak. He admitted today that he couldn't take care of James on his own anymore. I'm sure the seizures won't be far behind. He asked me to stay from now on until you get home."

"Oh," Hope said, shifting gears from one fear to the other. "He's… he's already had a couple seizures."

"When?" Ryan asked intently.

"They've been spread out," she said. "Once a month? It's only happened in the evenings for some reason. When I'm here." The first time had scared the crap out of her. She knew what to do, certain training was a requirement for her work at the shelter, but she had never actually needed to put it into practice before.

"He shouldn't have been the only one here with James ever," Ryan ground out, not liking what he was hearing.

"He's not completely alone," Hope defended. "You're here, and so is the housekeeper and groundskeeper."

"It's not their job to keep an eye on James though," Ryan argued.

"No, but they're aware of the situation in case there's an emergency," Hope said. "And the housekeeper checks with Landon before she leaves because I requested it."

"Well, the situation just escalated so something needs to change," Ryan said, still not happy. He knew the Landon of a month ago wasn't the same as the Landon now, but he still couldn't believe either of them would take a chance like that.

"Okay," she said simply.

"Okay?!" Ryan asked in disbelief. "How can you be so calm about all of this?"

"Because Landon and I have talked about this already," Hope said. "We knew it was going to progress. From the minute he told me he didn't want to fight only to gain a few more months of misery, I've known it would get to this point. We already have a plan."

"Then how about you tell me the plan?" Ryan asked.

"Eventually he's going to need a full time in-home caregiver, but I'll talk with him tonight," Hope said. "He may only need someone part time right now. I'm going to step away from my responsibilities at the shelter for a while to take care of James and Landon. Rafael and his parents will fill in as well. Now that you're in the picture, of course, I assume you want to be involved too."

"Wait, wait," Ryan needed a minute. "With a part time caregiver, that means you'll be the one taking care of him the rest of the time?" Landon's family may help, but they didn't live twenty-four/seven with her.

"He's not a complete invalid, Ryan," Hope pointed out. "He can still get around, and he's still going to have good days mixed in with the bad. The bad days are just going to be much worse than before, and there probably won't be as many good ones. But I'll be fine. If it gets to be too much to handle, I'll make other arrangements."

"Hope, this entire thing is…"

"What?" Hope asked sharply. She was tired. So tired. "Unfair? Sad? Too much? Horrible? Heartbreaking? I know what it is because I've been living with it every day for most of the year. I know what's coming, Ryan. I'm scared, terrified, and wish like hell I didn't have to go through this. But for better or worse, in sickness and in health, until death do us part, I made the vow and I'm going to at least keep that one."

She turned abruptly and marched to the fridge to grab a bottle of water.

"You can go now," she said with her back turned toward him as she closed the door and uncapped the water. "I can handle things from here."

She didn't want to do any of this. She wasn't sure if she was making the right choices, but she was trying her best. Also, she didn't know what to do with him. The one person she wanted but couldn't have. And then there was knowing he didn't want anything to do with her.

"Hope…" he wanted to help her, he just didn't know how.

"Go home, Ryan," she said. "I'll talk to him. Then we'll go from there."

"And James?" he had to ask.

She took a sip and sighed.

"He'll have dinner, play for a while longer, get his bath, then I'll put him to bed, read him a story until he falls asleep, just like I do every night," she said. "I'll check on Landon now, but we'll talk after James goes to sleep."

"I'll do it," he said, figuring out a way he could actually help.

"Do what?" she said with a sigh, turning around to face him again finally.

"I'll give him dinner, a bath, put him to bed," he said. "You can talk to Landon now." That way it won't be weighing on her all evening.

"Do you even know how to do all that?" she asked, knowing very well that he never stayed that late.

"I gotta learn some time," he said. "No time like the present."

She nodded.

"Okay…I'll be upstairs if you need me," she said. "And, Ryan?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you."

Despite Hope's worry, Ryan had little issue taking care of James that evening. He didn't know what James usually ate for dinner; but, figuring it wasn't too different from lunch, he gave him pretty much the same thing. Minus the mini cupcake. He already knew how much energy James gained after having something high in sugar. That was not the way he would get James to bed later.

James instructed him on the proper way to make his bath. There had to be lots of bubbles, and it couldn't be too hot. Ryan was the one who had to wash his hair, but James used a soapy loofah to clean everywhere else. He was grateful for the attached sprayer that made it easier to hose the dirty boy down and get all the soap off. He would definitely need to get one of those when James started staying with him. James insisted he was allowed to stay in until his fingers pruned, which he proudly put on display when that time came.

Ryan's jeans only got a minimal splashing. His shirt, on the other hand, would take a while to dry.

He forgot to bring pajamas with them, so he ended up carrying the squirming boy in a towel to his room. Going through the dresser drawers, he found everything easily enough and went to help James get dressed.

"I can do it!" James said proudly.

"Okay, you do it," he said, stepping back.

It took a bit of finagling, and Ryan had to help a little when he couldn't find the hole to put his arm through since it bunched up, but James was finally dressed for bed.

"Your mom said I should read you a story," Ryan said, looking at the small bookshelf near his bed.

"The one about bears!" James said as he climbed onto his bed and pushed the covers down.

Ryan searched until he found one with "bears" in the title. Hopefully that was the right one.

He sat on the edge of the bed and had to laugh. James was trying to pull the blanket up but he was sitting on part of it, so no matter how much he tugged, it wasn't moving.

"Here, roll this way for a sec," Ryan said, motioning toward himself.

Giggling, James did that, deliberately smashing into Ryan because it was fun.

Ryan smiled and moved the blanket away.

"Now, roll back," he said.

James rolled back and would've kept going if Ryan hadn't stopped him.

"Not so fast," Ryan said.

James giggled again and tried to roll back toward Ryan, and Ryan couldn't help himself. He let James roll back and forth even though he was supposed to be settling down, stopping him each time he rolled away so he didn't end up on the floor.

One of the times he stopped him, his hand on the tiny tummy, James jerked and started giggling, pushing at Ryan's hand.

"Tickles!"

"Oh, it does, huh?" Ryan said with an impish smirk before he kept doing it, tickling him as he squirmed and giggled.

When he figured James had enough, he stopped and just smiled down at his boy.

James grinned up at him.

"Timmy said that you can have lots of friends," James said, referring to one of the boys in his play group that Ryan had heard James mention before. "But you can only have one best friend!"

"I think you're allowed to have more than one of those too," Ryan said with a wink.

"Are you my best friend?" James asked.

"If you want me to be," Ryan said, feeling his heart swell.

"You're my favorite friend, so that means you're the best, right?" James asked.

"I guess so," Ryan replied. "You're my favorite too." Favorite son, favorite child, favorite everything: to be his son's favorite, he was doing something right, right?

James sat up and hugged Ryan suddenly.

Ryan hugged him back immediately, loving the feel of this amazing kid against him. He didn't want to let go. He couldn't help himself and kissed the top of his head.

James giggled and leaned back.

"Mommy always does that," James said.

"Mommy steals kisses?" Ryan asked.

"Uh huh," James nodded and then yawned. "Are you going to read the story?"

"Sure am," Ryan said.

He started reading the story about Goldilocks and the Three Bears, a classic that he was familiar with. He figured his mother used to read it to him.

When he was pretty sure James was asleep, he stopped reading and put the book on the shelf, slipping off the bed quietly to leave.

He flipped the light switch, leaving a nightlight to glow brightly near the floor in case James woke in the night.

"Ryan?" James said sleepily.

"Yeah?" Ryan asked, surprised he was still awake though he was probably on his way out any minute.

"I love you," James said.

"I love you too, James," Ryan said, his heart in his throat. That was the first time James had said it. "Always and forever."

"Mommy always says that too," James whispered and then he quieted.

Ryan stood there a little longer, just wanting to stay in his presence as long as he could, listening to the light even breathing.

He was his son's best friend.

His son loved him.

James may not know yet how important he really was to Ryan, but one day he would know, and that was all the mattered.

Leaving the room, he wondered if he should say anything to Hope or Landon before he left. Deciding there was no way he was stepping foot anywhere near their shared bedroom, he continued downstairs only to find Hope sitting at the very kitchen counter he vacated earlier.

Pulling out the stool beside her, he joined her, curious to know what had been decided.

"He's asleep?" she asked, putting her pen down on top of the pad she was writing on, already knowing the answer to her question..

Leaving her room, she went to check on Ryan. It was sometimes a chore to wrestle James into bed. She arrived in time to see the door crack open and the light go out. Then she heard her sweet boy tell his father that he loved him.

At least one thing was going right in their lives.

"Yeah," he said. "Have you two decided?"

"I'm working on a schedule," Hope said, moving the pen and pushing the pad over to him. "Walt and Lucia will take James on Mondays. That's usually when I schedule appointments for Landon. They'll stay at the house with Landon on Wednesdays, since I usually take James to play group then. Rafael wants to spend the weekends with Landon when he can since that's usually when he's off from work."

"So I'll be here with James the rest of the time, and I'll be on hand to help with Landon or visit him during James' nap time," Ryan added, pushing the pad back toward her to write it down.

"You don't have to do that much," Hope shook her head, feeling like they were taking advantage of him. "We're going to get help part time in the evenings. They won't need to do much as long as Landon is getting around okay, but they'll be here just in case. I can take care of James and—"

"I'll be here," Ryan interrupted. "I'm always here anyway. I'm still on leave from work and usually the only time I have to go in is on Mondays. James and Landon are my only family in this world. This is where I'm supposed to be."

"Okay," she said, finally agreeing. "But you know this means it'll be impossible for me to avoid you?" She had enough to worry about without tiptoeing around him. He wanted to be involved? So be it. But his family was her family and she wasn't going to stress herself even more trying to please him. She was done trying to please someone at her own expense.

"Yeah, I know," he said. He figured he was better equipped to handle being around her now. Before, he was still fighting all the emotions he held onto for the past five years. Now, his emotions were tied up in the brother he had grown to care about and would never betray, and the son he had grown to love more than anything or anyone.

And if being able to talk to her that evening was enjoyable in any way, it was only because he was glad he could be there for his family.

It had nothing to do with any residual feelings he still had for her.

---

Life continued on pretty much the same way it had all summer, but this time Ryan saw a lot more of Hope.

It wasn't just because she was home either. He knew the schedule, but sometimes his curiosity got the better of him. He wanted to know what James was doing all the time, even when he wasn't around. Learning that Landon had seizures before blew his mind, and he realized just how much he didn't know. For instance, what had they told James about Landon's illness? Did he even know? Ryan may be a new father, but he was quickly learning exactly what kind of father he wanted to be.

One who knew what was going on with his kid, and made sure he was safe and happy at all times.

He even asked to go along to play group with them. He was curious to see James interact with his friends, and he was even more curious to meet Timmy since James talked about him so much. Ryan turned out be the star attraction when James tugged him along to play. He ended up playing with the play group, something he noticed the other parents didn't do, but he would rather spend time with James than the adults anyway. He couldn't introduce himself as James' father, and he refused to introduce himself as James' uncle, so he just spent the time with the kids and let Hope handle explaining who he was.

He and James were better than ever, but this time Landon couldn't join them.

Hope, on the other hand, sometimes did.

The first time he realized that could be a mistake was when she joined them at the pool. He wasn't expecting it and was completely unaware of her presence up until James made it known.

He and James were already in the water when James called out, "Mommy! Come in!"

"I'm coming," she said with a smile, tossing her cover up onto a lounge chair and walking over to toe at the water.

At least she was only wearing a one piece, but it did nothing to hide the curves he had memorized before. Her hips were a little fuller, probably due to the pregnancy, and his mouth went dry suddenly.

Glancing away, he commanded himself to get it together. Hope was Landon's wife. He had no business staring at her or remembering how every curve of her felt beneath him.

Hearing a splash, he was glad to see that she was mostly covered by the pool now. His breathing could return to normal.

She grabbed a ball from the basket on the edge of the pool and they spent the next half hour volleying the ball back and forth to James. James didn't have the best aim, so Ryan sometimes had to jump out of the pool to retrieve the ball. He made sure it was him and not Hope. He could pretend to ignore a lot of things, but trying to look away when Hope bent over to pick up the ball?

That would be pure torture.

The next time James hit the ball out of the pool, he decided he had enough.

Spending time with James and Hope together hit a little too close to home. He could almost pretend they were the happy family they would have been if Hope wasn't already married, if she hadn't left him and never tried to find him.

Even now, if he hadn't been related to Landon, he wouldn't have any of this. He wouldn't know his son at all. His body may still have a thing for her, but he wasn't sure he could ever forgive her.

"I'm gonna check on Landon," he said after tossing the ball back into the pool.

"He's having a good day," she said. "Spending some time in the studio."

"Where's that?" he asked. He had spent most of the summer there, but he hadn't explored the entire house.

"At the other end of the hall, first floor," she said.

Grateful to get away, he grabbed a towel and headed into the house to change. Spending time with his brother was just what he needed.

"I heard today's a good day?" he asked, joining him a little later, looking around at all the high-tech equipment.

"Yeah," Landon gave a small smile, moving the giant headphones back so he could hear. "The song is in its final mixing stages. I tried to tell him I was no good for finishing it, but he insisted. Figures it's my last song, so he sent it for me for a good day."

"Who?"

Landon named one of the more popular artists of the time, one even Ryan had heard of.

"I'm impressed," he said. "We never really talk much about your music."

"Being a songwriter, I work with lots of different artists and other writers," Landon explained. "I probably should've relocated to a big city years ago, but this is our home. So instead, I go where the music takes me."

"You never wanted to perform?" Ryan asked.

Landon laughed.

"Not even," he said. "You need a special kind of charisma to stand up on a stage and draw every eye in the place to you. I never had that, nor did I ever want that. I'm happy in the studio bringing my music to life and listening to other people perform it."

"Looks like the public is pretty happy with it too," Ryan nodded at some of the awards on the walls.

"There're a few gold records," Landon said, motioning. "A song released a year ago just went platinum too."

"Has music always been a huge part of your life?" Ryan asked, a little amazed Landon hadn't mentioned it much before now.

"That, and eighties occult movies," Landon said ruefully, happy to change the subject. Music for him wasn't what it used to be. Any time he attempted to play recently, everything went to shit. He would rather not talk about losing that ability. It hurt too much.

Seeing the look on Ryan's face at the shift in topics, he hurried to keep the subject changed.

"Before we were married, I used to drag Hope to these eighties movie marathon nights at the college," Landon said. "She didn't mind, but she always preferred action fighting movies."

"Really…" Great, Ryan thought. He wanted to spend time with Landon to take a break from Hope. Instead his brother was volunteering information.

"Her parents were into martial arts, self defense," Landon explained. "Taught her everything she knows."

"She can fight?" he was surprised, but he shouldn't be. There was a lot he didn't know about her.

"Yeah, and she likes to help others learn to stand up for themselves," Landon said. "I think that's why she spends so much time working at the shelter. She's even taught a couple basic self defense classes there."

Learning more about Hope every day… and none of it was the picture of a spoiled trust fund brat. So, why did she paint that picture for him before? The more he learned about her… the more he wanted to know. At least he knew James was being raised by a strong woman.

"She, uh… mentioned some charities but never went into detail," Ryan said.

"Children's charities mostly, food programs, reading programs, music and art in schools," Landon said. "Things like that. Kids have… always been important to her."

Landon shifted. He was used to talking to people about his wife and how proud he was of the work she did. It was second nature. But he nearly forgot that he shouldn't talk to Ryan about her. He blamed it on the tumor.

"I should get back to work before I can't continue," Landon said, tapping his headphones.

"One more thing?" Ryan asked quickly, glad he wouldn't have to keep talking about Hope.

"Yeah?"

"What does James know about your illness?" Ryan asked.

Landon let out a deep breath.

"Not much," he said.

"Does he even know you're sick?"

"He knows I haven't been feeling well," Landon said. "But he doesn't know why or what it means."

"I think it's time he knew," Ryan said. "Before it's too late to explain."

Landon nodded slowly.

He knew Ryan was right.

---

With broad firm strokes, Hope primed the canvas.

When her world was crashing down around her, sometimes the only thing to give her peace was the calm found standing at an easel.

Or the calm found watching her son grin.

Glancing at the big four-poster bed, she smiled fondly watching James and Landon.

Ryan had left hours ago, the caregiver was given the night off, and it was just the three of them spending a quiet evening together.

As quiet as one could get with a four year old.

It was hard to believe her baby would turn five next month. He was growing up so fast.

She was afraid what Landon was about to tell him would make him grow up even faster.

"Put this finger here, this finger there, and this one right here," Landon instructed, helping to move James' fingers and trying to—once again—show him how to play a cord on the small guitar he got him for Christmas. James had never been that interested in music besides the want to make loud noises, but he would try whenever Landon showed him.

"Like this?" James said, face furrowed in concentration as he tried to keep his hand in place.

"Just like that," Landon said. "Now, use the pick in your other hand to strum across the strings down here."

James did as he was instructed and his face lit up when music hummed from the instrument.

"I did it!"

"You sure did," Landon said proudly. "Keep going."

James strummed again, but he started doing it really quickly, cutting off the sound before it had a chance to carry.

"Slowly," Landon said. "Strum it once and let the note breathe before you strum it again."

James did it just the way Landon told him to.

Hope grinned as she continued to paint, wondering if James would remember the next time Landon worked with him… then she wondered if Landon would ever be able to show him again and her smile dimmed.

"That note is called a 'C'," Landon said. "Like the letter."

"'C' like Clarke!" James proudly said the first letter of part of his last name. He was still learning how to spell out his entire name, something kindergarten would help with when he started next month.

"Yes, like Clarke," Landon said.

"Daddy, play the ABC song?" James asked, pushing the instrument to him.

James was still learning to write all the letters, but he knew the song and his parents made a point of having him sing it all summer so he didn't forget before school started again.

Landon took the guitar and tried to find the chords with his fingers, but his coordination was too off.

"Daddy?" James asked, wondering why he hadn't started.

Landon figured it was time. He placed the instrument on the bed beside him and scooted back against the pillows, patting the area next to him for James to follow.

"Come on up here, I need to tell you something," he said.

James eagerly climbed up.

Hope put her paint brush down and went to join, snuggling up close to James on his other side.

Landon still wasn't sure how to do this, but he knew it had to be done. He knew James had to know something. And James needed to hear it from him. It had been weighing on his mind for a while, but Ryan forcing the issue made him see he couldn't put it off any longer.

"You know I haven't been feeling that well lately, right?" he started.

"Uh huh," James said, then held his hand up to Landon's forehead. "Do you have a fever?"

"No," Landon said, taking James' hand in his gently. "But there's something wrong with my head. It's making me really sick. So I can't do things I used to do before."

"Like pool, and play, and guitar?" James asked.

Hope wasn't surprised James had already picked up on so many things. Her son was very observant, very attentive to detail at times.

"Yeah," Landon nodded.

"Whenever I'm sick, you and Mommy take care of me until I'm all better," James said. "I can take care of you, Daddy."

Good God, how was he supposed to do this? Landon thought as he struggled to fight back the tears.

Glancing at Hope, he could see she already lost the battle, a few tears were trailing down her cheeks.

"I know you can, and I'd like that very much," Landon said, still holding his little hand. "But I'm not going to get better."

"Why not?" he asked.

"Because sometimes people get sick and nothing the doctors do can make it better," Landon said. "Sometimes the sickness gets worse."

"Oh," James said sadly. "I don't want you to be sick."

"I don't want to be sick either," Landon said. "Especially since it's going to keep getting worse. And then, eventually, I'm going to have to leave you and Mommy. And I don't want to do that ever."

"Leave?" James looked up at him, his eyes wide. "Daddy, don't leave."

Landon couldn't hold anything back anymore, he picked up James and pulled him into his arms, heart clenching and eyes stinging when James hugged him back as tightly as he could.

"I'll always be with you," he promised. "Even when you can't see me, I'll be there. I promise."

"Like Littlefoot's Mommy?" James asked, referring to his favorite movie about dinosaurs.

"Yeah, like Littlefoot's Mommy," Landon said.

Hope scooted up next to both of them, wrapping her arms around them too, trying not to sob out loud while the tears fell.

Her heart was breaking even more than it already had.

---

Ryan knew the next day that James had been told.

James seemed more subdued than usual and Hope's eyes were puffy, like she spent the entire night crying.

He arrived during breakfast and James was usually excited to play after that, but instead he reached for a couple coloring books and a pack of crayons.

"I'm gonna play with Daddy today," James said. "He's sick."

With that, he darted for the stairs and was up them in record time.

"I guess that means Landon took my advice," Ryan said.

Hope nodded and sniffed, looking up from loading the dishwasher.

"He did, and it was time," Hope said. "Probably should've told him sooner."

"How did he take it?" he asked.

"As well as could be expected," she said. "He understood most of it. I think he's still processing it in his own way."

"Should I go join them?" he asked, not sure what to do with himself.

"I… should have called," Hope sighed, kicking herself for not thinking. "We want to spend the day together… just the three of us. James is clinging to Landon right now, and I want to be with them. It's not like we're going anywhere, probably just the bedroom, but…"

Ryan nodded, understanding.

"I'm sorry," Hope said. "I called his parents to tell them to stay home, and play group knows we're not coming. I didn't think—"

"Its okay, Hope," he said. "I'll go."

"I'm really sorry, Ryan," she said, feeling like a heel. The way he was handling all of this, it was very admirable. She was asking him to leave so they could have family time and he didn't blink.

"Don't worry about it," he said. He didn't begrudge them this. They were a family unit long before he walked into their lives. He wouldn't intrude on that, not when he knew it probably wouldn't be much longer before it was over.

"Just let me know if you need anything," he said.

"I will," she said.

Watching him walk away, all she could think of was how incredible he was. She wished she hadn't made such a mess of things, but now wasn't the time for regrets.

Now was the time to focus on her family and find the strength to get them all through this.

---

Whenever Ryan saw James, it was always at Landon and Hope's home. He didn't mind, even though the question of custody was still floating around at the back of his head over two months later. He wasn't going to ask for more yet because he was content in the way things were. He knew it couldn't last like this forever, but it was enough for now.

The first opportunity to have James to himself in his own home presented itself a week later.

Hope asked for his help in advance.

Even though she had arranged to stay home to take care of her family, her presence was requested at a fundraiser. She was to be given an award by the mayor, one she didn't feel she needed, but the publicity was good for the children's charity and a lot of patrons of the arts were drawn to the event due to her last name.

She asked him to come take care of James at their house the night of the event.

He countered by suggesting he take care of James at his home for once.

It was time, after all.

She agreed, so the night of the event he picked James up, secured him in the booster seat he purchased when the summer began, and took him home.

James had bounced back from his sadness, spending time with Landon had given him the reassurance he needed, and he was excited to visit Ryan's home for the first time.

It quickly became obvious to Ryan that he wasn't nearly as prepared as he thought. He spent the next several hours being reminded that he needed to childproof in the worst way.

No sooner had Ryan turned his back to clean up dinner than he heard a shriek and a giggle from his bedroom. Wondering what James was up to, he went to investigate.

Walking into the room, he was assaulted by the smell of his cologne.

James had gotten into a bottle of Ryan's favorite Bleu Chanel and was spraying it, quite literally, everywhere. Especially on himself.

"James," he said, getting his attention.

"Look, Ryan, I smell like you!" James said gleefully.

"You sure do," Ryan said, getting a whiff of the boy. "I'd say you're wearing enough. More than enough. A little bit goes a long way, you know."

James sneezed, then waved his hand in front of his face.

"I'll take that," Ryan said, reaching down for the bottle which was much lighter than it had been when he purchased it last week, "And I guess it's a good thing you haven't had your bath yet."

Though he had serious doubts he would be able to get all of the smell off the boy.

He wasn't planning to give him a bath since he wasn't going to spend the night. He was going to suggest that too, but he saw the look on Hope's face and knew she wasn't ready for it yet. She would have to get over it eventually, but he could wait a bit longer. It felt good having James in his space though.

She did, however, send him over with a change of clothes just in case. Ryan put James in those after he tried his best to scrub the smell away. Of course, the only soap he had was his bodywash so James still ended up smelling exactly like him, with a slightly over powering scent of the cologne he wasn't able to completely remove.

After his early bath, Ryan settled James onto the sectional recliners with him to watch his favorite movie, The Land Before Time.

By the time Hope rang his doorbell, James was fast asleep and Ryan was on his way to nodding off with James curled up against his side.

James didn't stir at the noise, nor did it bother him when Ryan stood to get the door.

She was wearing blue.

Seeing her in formal attire for the first time since the night he met her, his mind spun.

Was he ever going to stop being reminded of that night? Was he ever going to stop wishing for a repeat? Was he ever going to stop longing for things he could never have?

Turning abruptly, he invited her in.

"He fell asleep watching the movie," he said, leading her inside.

Hope trailed after him, glancing around curiously.

Much like the man, his place seemed put together and classic. He had a few prints hanging strategically throughout the space. Most of them were cityscapes. Everything was very elegant and appealing to her own tastes.

"Did you need anything?" he asked, ever the polite host. "Water, coffee?"

"No," she said. "By some miracle, Landon felt up to going. It ended up being a bit too much for him, but he knew it was a big night for me so he wanted to be there. He's waiting in the car. I really should just get James and go."

He motioned to the couch where James was sleeping peacefully.

"Do you want me to carry him down?" he asked.

"That's alright," she said with a soft smile. "I got him."

She moved the large blanket off of him and her smile broadened remembering earlier this week when Ryan went to put James down for his nap. She checked on him a little later and found Ryan had fallen asleep right next to James. She put a blanket over both of them.

Something about the way Ryan loved their son…

She shook her head and picked James up, pulling him against her chest. He didn't wake, just moved to rest his head on her shoulder. She pulled his legs around her waist and made sure she had him firmly in place before she looked at Ryan again.

"Just get the door," she said.

"Sure," he had to pull himself away from the vision of the two together.

Halfway to the door, she stopped suddenly.

"What's that smell?"

Ryan turned back with a smirk.

"He, uh, got into my cologne," he said. "Tried to get it off. He'll probably need another bath or pool time to get rid of it all."

She closed her eyes briefly, wondering how in the world she was going to walk all the way to the car with the smell of Ryan right under her nose. Now that he explained, all she could think about was being up close and personal with the intoxicating smell of him.

She gulped and opened her eyes.

"Maybe you should carry him down after all," she said.

"That bad, huh?" he laughed.

He didn't know the half of it.

---

Ryan always figured when the time came, when the tide shifted and Landon entered the end stages, everything would be dramatic and over the top. Maybe it would sneak up on him with a call in the middle of the night, tearing him from his sleep and jarring him into a real life nightmare.

When Landon took a turn for the worst, Rafael was with him. The seizure incapacitated him. Rafael did all the right things, but when it stopped Landon didn't wake up.

Hope had taken James back-to-school shopping. When she got the call, she called Ryan first to let him know to go to the hospital. Then she phoned Maya who agreed to watch James. Hope didn't know what they were about to walk into and she didn't want to subject James to that. Maya would bring him to the hospital if Hope asked her to.

Rafael, Hope, Ryan, Lucia, and Walt all waited together for news. It was hours before they were approached by the neurologist who invited them to a family counseling room.

"He's woken a few times since he arrived," the doctor explained. "The seizure took a lot out of him and he's very confused. We ran some scans and, based on what I've seen of the tumor's progression, it's only a matter of time. At this time, arrangements need to be made to keep him comfortable for his remaining time."

Hope pressed her lips together, fighting to keep her composure.

"I-I… we would like to bring him home," Hope managed to say, glancing at her in-laws who nodded in agreement.

Walt and Lucia had their hands clasped together on the table top. Rafael wasn't making eye contact with anyone. His arms rested on the table and he stared down at them, swaying slightly as he tried to keep his emotions contained.

Ryan had his palms digging into the edge of the table, trying to absorb everything that was happening. He knew what the doctor was saying. Hospice. Landon would be gone within the next couple of weeks. He felt numb.

The doctor nodded.

"I'll start the process," he said. "Do you have any other questions?"

"You said he's confused?" Rafael asked. "Will he be like that the rest of the time?"

"There's no way of knowing," the doctor answered. "He could have moments of complete clarity and hold a normal conversation. Right now when he's awake, he's confused and having difficulty speaking, but that could change."

Ryan breathed out shakily.

It wasn't an ideal situation, especially if they wanted to give James a real chance to say goodbye, but hopefully they would get the opportunity.

Arrangements were made relatively quickly, but he wasn't surprised. It seemed Hope already had a plan for everything.

She called ahead to the housekeeper to make sure one of the first floor guest rooms was prepared. Because of all the equipment needed to keep him comfortable, and his inability to maneuver the stairs, Landon would stay there instead of his usual room.

A full-time hospice nurse came to stay with Landon. Another nurse would relieve that one, so that someone was with Landon at all times.

The first day after his major seizure, Landon was barely alert. He slept most of the time.

The next morning, though, he woke with less confusion.

---

Finding Landon awake and mostly alert had Hope rushing to do what she could for James.

She spoke with Landon to make sure he remembered who James was. Thankfully he did, so she led James in.

As Hope watched her son with Landon, who explained everything as best he could, she acknowledged to whoever might be listening that she was grateful James and Landon had this opportunity.

The rest of them, they had prepared for this for a while. She had been preparing since the day, eight months ago, that Landon had a dizzy spell in front of her. She insisted he go see a doctor. He insisted he was fine. He had apparently been a little light headed every once in a while for a few months. It was probably from all the traveling he was doing. Upset that he hadn't said anything earlier and that she hadn't noticed because he wasn't home, she made the appointment. He went because she wouldn't let it go.

He wasn't fine.

And his ignoring the warning signs meant it was too late by the time they found it. Not that surgery would've helped because of the tumor placement, but the chances of better success with chemo might have convinced him to try it. But as it was, the chances of him surviving another year even with chemo were pretty low. His decision wasn't him giving up. It was him choosing to enjoy his final months. She didn't hold his decision against him. It was his life, his choice.

But she was going to miss him.

When she noticed Landon growing obviously tired, she told James it was time for his nap.

Taking James from the room, she wondered how long it would be before she would get her own chance to say goodbye.

---

Ryan sat at his brother's bedside, watching him sleep.

The nurse had a monitor, so whenever someone came in to visit, they could leave the room and give them privacy.

Ryan would be grateful for that if only Landon would wake up.

He knew Hope was keeping James occupied, and keeping herself occupied too. There was only so long you could sit watching someone sleep, wondering if this would be the last time you saw them, before you went a little nuts.

"Hey."

Ryan looked up and saw Landon looking at him.

"Hey," Ryan said, his face forming a relieved grin. "Nice to see you awake."

"How long have I been out?" Landon asked.

"Nurse said you slept through the night," Ryan said. "It's around eleven a.m."

"You been here long?" he asked, then cleared his throat.

"Here," Ryan picked up a cup of ice water with a lid and straw firmly in place. "The nurse said you might like this if you woke up."

"Thanks," Landon said, grasping it carefully and taking a sip.

"You don't seem confused," Ryan said.

"Give me time," Landon attempted a joke.

"I just mean… I'm glad you're not confused," he said. "I didn't think I'd get the chance to…"

"Say goodbye?" Landon finished. "Okay, lay it on me."

"Well, if you're gonna be like that," Ryan teased.

Landon took another sip and stared at him, waiting patiently for him to continue.

"Alright," Ryan gave in with a small smile. "Just wanted to say I'm grateful for the time I got with you. That I'm glad we're brothers, and that you found me."

"You haven't been that bad either," Landon teased back. "Glad I found you too. It's been… interesting."

"Truer words," Ryan laughed.

"At first I thought this was never going to work," Landon said. "Not with everything with Hope. But then, you just persisted, sticking around for me and for James. I know you were keeping your distance from her. Which I appreciated, but I know it wasn't completely for my benefit."

"What do you mean?"

"You're mad at her," Landon said. "She kept a lot of things from you. Just… don't hold it against her forever."

Ryan grew quiet.

Landon let out a small laugh.

"Don't think that's my dying wish or anything," he said. "She's not your responsibility. She'll be okay without me. Raf will be there for her either way, I just had to say that."

Ryan nodded. He honestly didn't know what to say. He was still angry deep down. He had reached a place where he could talk to her about James, but forgive her? He wasn't sure that was possible.

"Anger only hurts you in the end," Landon said. "If I hadn't been so angry all those years ago, I could've known you were my brother much sooner. She wanted to find you, but I told her not to try because I was so jealous I couldn't see straight."

"She wanted to find me?" Ryan asked, floored.

"Yeah," Landon said. "I knew she only agreed to avoid hurting me, and I should've felt bad about it, but I couldn't take the chance…"

Ryan fell silent again. Why didn't Hope tell him the truth about that?

"It's easy to fall in love with Hope," Landon said. "I should know. I think even Raf was always a little bit in love with her. But she only ever saw me… until you, that is…

"Now, I just want her to be happy, to have everything she ever wanted," Landon continued. "I just wish I could be there to make it happen."

"She'll be fine," Ryan decided to reassure him. He wasn't sure how his goodbye to Landon had turned into his brother being more open about his feelings for Hope than he ever had before, but it was obvious it was weighing heavily on him.

Maybe this goodbye wasn't so much about Ryan as it was about Landon.

Landon was saying his own goodbyes.

---

"You aren't memorializing my lying in this bed, are you?" Landon asked.

Hope shook her head, pulling her paint brush back thoughtfully.

"Wouldn't dream of it," she said.

"Because the hair alone would make people run screaming the other way," he said.

"I've been working on this for a while," Hope laughed. "You know that. And since you only just ended up there, you know I can't paint the future."

"Not a very big leap to make though," he murmured.

"It's just a simple portrait of the man I love," she said, sending a gentle smile his way. "Sitting next to the boy we both love."

Landon smiled wistfully.

"He'll be okay," she said, knowing that look on his face. He was thinking about James. His eyes always grew fonder, his smile sweeter.

"I know," he said. "He's got you, and he's got Ryan. Both of his parents."

"You're his parent too," she said. He had filled that role for the first five years. James would never forget him. She wouldn't allow it. "You'll always be that to him. I'm sure Ryan would agree."

"He probably would," Landon said, remembering his first conversation with Ryan when he said pretty much the same thing. He should've realized from that moment that Ryan was a good person and would be a great brother.

"How do you feel about Ryan?" he finally asked the burning question, deciding it was now or never.

"He's your brother," she said, focusing back on the painting. "And James' father. He's nice."

"Nice?" Landon said incredulously. "I'm dying remember? Now's the time you're supposed to tell the truth."

"It's because you're dying I don't want to answer that question," she replied softly, feeling a lump form in her throat. Was he really going to ask about this now? What purpose could this serve?

"You never told me why him," he said. Seeing her shift her stance as she went to paint a different area, he continued, "I never asked, but now I am."

"Landon, I love you," she said firmly, setting her paint brush down and finally looking directly at him again. "None of that matters anymore."

"So, he means nothing to you?" he asked. He had known her long enough. He knew she wasn't telling him everything. He noticed the looks she sent Ryan's way when she thought no one noticed. Ryan ignored her for his part, but Hope? He knew there was something more.

"How do I even answer that?" she asked. Of course he meant something. He was the father of her child. But something told her that wasn't what Landon meant.

"With the truth," he said.

She grew quiet, their eyes met and she knew it was time to reveal everything.

"Sometimes you meet someone and instantly click with them," she began. "Like somehow you know them even though you don't, not really. We talked like we had known each other forever. That's why…"

"How do you feel about him?" he asked again.

"I like him," she answered honestly. "I feel that he'll be a good father to James."

"And what about to you?"

"Landon..."

"You have feelings for him," he stated. He didn't need to ask.

"I don't know what I feel," she sat on the edge of the bed. "I've been avoiding him because he asked me to. I try not to think about him. He hates me for everything he's missed. I can't give those years back to him and some things you just can't forgive."

"Is that so?" he said. "I mean, look at me."

"That's different…"

He stared at her silently.

The silence got to her.

"Please don't hate me too," she said. "I know you wanted the truth, but please don't hate me for it. Whatever I feel for him, I don't love him. I barely know him. I love you."

She wasn't lying. She didn't know Ryan, not nearly well enough to love him. Could she potentially love Ryan one day? She thought maybe she could. But right now?

Right now she loved Landon… she just didn't think she still loved him the way she should. The way a woman loved her husband. She wasn't sure when things had changed. Maybe it was months ago when she learned he was dying and she was trying to protect herself in the end. Maybe it had changed five years ago when an inexplicable connection formed between her and a stranger.

Either way she did love Landon and she couldn't stand it if he died hating her.

"I love you too," he finally said. "I've never stopped, and I never will."

She lay down next to him and rested her head against his shoulder.

"I'm sorry this is happening," he said. "I know you didn't really sign up for this."

"It's not your fault," she said. "We all have to die sooner or later."

"I was hoping for later," he said.

He became quiet after that and Hope curled against him, content not to go anywhere. Eventually his even breathing alerted her that he had fallen asleep.

Deciding she didn't have anywhere else she needed to be, she stayed until she fell asleep too. She couldn't bring herself to leave him just yet.

---

Ryan lost track of the number of times he arrived at Landon's room and found Hope sleeping next to him. She was a light sleeper and usually woke as soon as he opened the door. She always relinquished her place to him. It seemed like every time he saw her she looked even more tired and worn out despite the amount of sleep she must've been getting.

Landon's decline was doing a number on her.

The confusion had returned and with it came a total lack of communication. Landon didn't stay awake for long, and they were all pretty much taking turns sitting by his bedside so he wouldn't be alone with a nurse when the time finally came.

He wondered if Hope had been staying all night too.

When Landon finally died, he wasn't alone. That was what mattered most to them all.

Ryan went with Hope and Rafael as they made the final arrangements, most of which had already been decided on as Hope and Landon had visited their chosen funeral home in advance so he could decide what he wanted.

He watched Hope go through the motions, appearing nearly emotionless. He wondered if she cried all her tears before he died, if that's why she was so wooden now.

While James had been prepared as best they could, he still struggled with what was happening.

Ryan was there the morning of the funeral as Hope tried to explain everything that would take place later that day. Maya was on stand-by to take care of James if need be, but Hope wanted to give James a choice.

The only silver lining of the day was that Landon had already explained so much for James.

"James," Hope said, "Do you remember Daddy telling you that he would have to go away?"

"Daddy said he was sick and would have to leave soon," James said in a small voice.

"That's what happened," Hope said, feeling her chin quiver as she tried to explain. "And today, everyone who loved Daddy is going to join together to say goodbye."

"Will Daddy be there?" James asked.

"Daddy will be here," she touched his heart.

"I can't see him?" James asked.

"No, honey, you can't," she said, even more grateful they had decided on a closed casket. James would never understand that. "But remember what Daddy said? Just because you can't see him doesn't mean he's not there. He will always be with you."

"Okay," he said, holding his hand to his heart.

"It's going to be really sad today," she said. "Everyone who loves Daddy will be sad. Do you want to go? You don't have to if you don't want to."

"I love Daddy," he said.

"He knows you do," she said.

"So I wanna go," he said. "Everyone who loves Daddy will be there. I love Daddy."

"Then you can," she said, stroking his cheek gently. "Just stay close to me, okay, baby?"

The family rallied around James. They each took turns with him during the service until he asked for his Mama.

Ryan had never heard James call Hope "Mama" before. He wondered if it was because he was feeling some kind of different way that day.

James had definitely caught the somber mood of the gathering. He wasn't his usual rambunctious self. He latched onto Hope during the service and didn't let go, not even when they traveled to the cemetery. He rested his little head on Hope's shoulder as she sat listening to the pastor at the graveside.

She absently stroked his back, soothing him quietly.

Ryan wondered who was really soothing whom in that moment.

He watched her remain composed through the remainder of the service and on to her home where family and friends gathered afterwards for the wake.

She spoke with Landon's family members, and her own. Ryan saw countless unknown faces, a number of whom had the trademark blonde hair and accent most Mikaelsons sported.

That was her family, and they were all there for her, but still, she remained stoic.

He overheard a conversation between Hope and a family member, offering for Hope and James to come stay at the family manor for a while. He worried for a split second before Hope turned down the invitation.

"Thanks, Uncle Kol, but school is about to start," Hope said. "The best thing for James right now is to keep things as close to normal as possible."

He silently agreed.

As the afternoon turned into evening, James fell into a deep sleep. Ryan carried him up to his room. It had been a long day, and he was tuckered out.

It wasn't until the last of the family left that Ryan saw the first crack in her armor.

The Waithes were the last to go, Lucia and Walt leaving first with Rafael close behind.

"Goodnight, Ryan," she said.

As she turned away, he spotted a single tear fall.

She brushed it away quickly.

"Please lock up on your way out?" she asked, then headed for the stairs.

He stopped long enough to lock the door but followed her upstairs.

She hadn't made it to any room. She simply stopped in the middle of the hall.

Coming up to her side, he could see her staring straight ahead, though not really seeing anything, as the tears fell silently.

"Hope."

He wasn't sure she heard him until she began choking on the tears, done making an effort to hold them back. Her tears gave way to great gasping sobs that made her reach out blindly.

He took her hand instantly and then she was sobbing into his chest.

"He's gone," she cried. "He's really gone."

He said nothing.

He just held her and let her cry.

His own emotions rose in his throat threatening to choke him, but that wasn't what she needed. She needed his strength because everyone else expected her to be strong. But right now, she wasn't. She wasn't strong at all. She somehow knew she could be weak with him. She didn't need to tell him that. He just knew it, just like he knew her.

They ended up sitting on the floor in the middle of the hallway with her leaning on him and crying herself to sleep.

He waited until he was sure she wouldn't wake up before he lifted her and carried her to her room.

Then he went to James' room to watch over him through the night in case he woke, knowing Hope was in no condition to hear him if he cried out.

There would be time for him to mourn later.

Right now, his family needed him.

---

To be continued…