Disclaimer: I do NOT own Hakuouki or anything related to it.
"Some are born mad, some achieve madness, and some have madness thrust upon 'em."
― Emilie Autumn, The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls
Spite always played a strong role in Nishina Jun's life, and it was beginning to do the same in the present, with double the intensity.
It all started when he was twelve years old. It had been just him and his mother. His father had left before he was born. Jun wished it had stayed like that. They had thought the man was dead, they were better off without him, yet he had seen it fit to smash his way back into their lives. To this day, he had no clue why he had returned, but when he did, everything came crashing down.
He couldn't remember all of it, but what little he did was enough.
Screams echoing in his ears, blood staining his hands, those of both his parents, but hers had come first. That monster had murdered her right in of him, and he did not doubt that he would have been next. But something had happened, a flash within his memory, and it was his father who ended up dead, his corpse in far worse condition than hers.
Jun was uncertain if he ever wanted to recall all of the details of that night. Strangely, he never dreamt of it, merely felt an occasional brush in his mind that faded as quickly as it appeared. He mostly supposed it was irrelevant. It did not change the fact that it birthed his spiteful motivations.
And so he spent several years on his own, keeping to himself in a small home at the furthermost corner of town. A typically silent existence that was shattered the day he met Kimura Katamitsu.
Really, it was not quite an odd occurrence, at least in the sense that neither of them expected an easy life. What else could be expected given Katamitsu being a member of the Shinsengumi and Jun's unpleasant past, to put it mildly, circumstances since childhood?
Jun had been absentmindedly sorting through his things when shouts and crashes and stomps filled the air. Before he could process what he heard, Katamitsu came rushing through the trees and alleys, adrenaline clearly consuming his mind and body. He firmly held his sword, doing his best to be calm under the circumstances, and Jun had to give him credit for it. Once again, before Jun could process this, he got an obvious answer. Ronin burst through the same direction that Katamitsu had come from.
The shock of what was happening quickly became anger. He didn't care much for anyone, honestly, be it ronin or Shinsengumi, but at that moment, Katamitsu was tolerable. So he opted to help him. The sooner he got idiots off his property, the better, and he could not possibly care less how that line of thought might make him sound.
Another blur, ending with the ronin dead, both Katamitsu and Jun exhausted, doubly for the latter due to him already being on edge earlier. Jun hadn't uttered a word in response to his expressions of gratitude, simply offering him assistance to walk, which he accepted with equal thankfulness. He remained quiet and nonchalant on the whole way to the Shinsengumi base, again just wanting everything that day to be over with.
It was only later that he realized he could have told Katamitsu to leave after the ronin were taken care of and it would have ended immediately with that, yet an interest in aiding him had grown stronger. He had felt drawn to Katamitsu for reasons he wasn't wholly certain of. He was certain that he did not regret it.
They arrived at the Shinsengumi's headquarters an hour later, Kagae Shigemori clearly a nervous wreck as he paced by the entrance when he saw them. He sprinted toward Katamitsu, who by this point was able to walk sans assistances, and threw himself at Katamitsu in a crushing hug that was returned. Shigemori had already been crying earlier, and seeing his friend made the emotions renew his tears and sobs as he choked out revelations that Ikoma Arimasa was dead, that he been spotted and rescued by the patrol Shigemori was on with one of the captains, but by then his injuries were too grave and he died moments afterward. Then Katamitsu started sobbing as well, falling to his knees and muttering that his fault for going separate ways or any other form of blame he could come up with while Shigemori alternated between consoling him and blaming himself for not rescuing their friend sooner.
Something snapped within Jun, and so he irritatedly interjected,"If you really think its either of your faults, then you're stupider than you look."
That had made both of their jaws drop, although Shigemori soon scowled and demanded to know what he would understand of such things."
Jun sighed, and looked aside."I just do," he muttered.
Never would he blame himself for his mother's death. He had been a child, practically helpless and only managing to avenge her by luck after being consumed by rage and despair. There was nothing he could have done to stop it, and the same applied to Arimasa's death for his friends.
Shigemori calmed down then, realizing his mistake, and apologized. Katamitsu then told Jun: "Regardless, you saved my life, I wish I could repay you for that."
Jun did not look at them as he replied,"Keep your conflicts away from me." He did not care whether that could be counter as wholly reasonable, but it was by no means a demand, simply a request to try.
But for some reason, that had not been enough, he kept running into Katamitsu for the next few weeks around town, both during Katamitsu's patrols and his off-duty strolls. He had to wonder how much of it was coincidence, though he imagined that Katamitsu had similar musings. That did not mean he was complaining, however. Shigemori, naturally, took notice, and sometimes gave an air of amusement at their interactions that made Jun choose to give them the benefit of the doubt. Over time, he grew close to them, with a small emphasis on Katamitsu, and in the process became inspired by his hopeful strength, and various other qualities that touched him more than he thought plausible. Eventually, it convinced him to join the Shinsengumi.
He hadn't interacted with many people. That wasn't to say he hated anyone, he just found himself getting along best with Katamitsu and Shigemori, and liked to think Arimasa could have made a good friend if what Katamitsu and Shigemori said about him was to be believed. The rest were nice acquaintances. Overall, he could mostly state that he did not regret his decision.
The problems seemed to lay with the higher-ups. He never necessarily had a concrete opinion on the founders, but he could never place his finger on what bothered him. Well, it wouldn't be entirely correct to claim that he held absolutely no true opinions.
Jun did not think highly of Captain Okita. He constantly gave an air of being stronger than everyone, a smugness and hunger for violence so thick it could create a giant box around Jun to suffocate him to death. Which was probably something Okita would have loved.
Itou too exuded smugness and pretentiousness, and Miki was little better. Even so, they were decently mature and served their purpose, plus they hardly crossed his path thanks to his own usual tendencies.
Okita, however, was impossible to avoid. The brat always had to stick his nose everywhere to preach about the perfections of Chief Kondou, whom Jun acknowledged as a leader and that was that. Okita's insistence on more bordered on such strong obsession that Jun had half a mind to sarcastically wonder if the chief was a vessel for some unknown god.
Needless to say, he did his best to avoid Okita. Their training sessions rarely coincided and they never ending up sparring together. Jun would tag along with Katamitsu and/or Shigemori for training sessions. Katamitsu did not seem to have issues, mainly due to Katamitsu's own strong, but far healthier, loyalties.
After awhile, things began to collapse around Jun, once again breaking his world. It started with Shigemori. Whatever had broken him was unknown, but something had to have occurred to cause him to suddenly begin missing curfew, almost like he wanted to die. He refused to confide in anybody what was going on with him. He hadn't appeared to care when he was thrown to face the ultimate punishment. Had he lost the will to live?
Jun kept quiet, wanting to console Katamitsu, but he didn't think it was his place. Perhaps he was scared to get invested, the feelings of more losses an unbearable pain. It got worse when he suffered another loss.
He had spoken with Katamitsu just a few hours before it happened. It had been a usual conversation between them. Katamitsu had made a habit of being a bit overly cheerful and teasing, drawing fond exasperation from Jun. He really was a pain in the neck, and Jun wouldn't trade him for anything.
He remembered the shouting, rushing, panicking as the group Katamitsu had been a part of returned to headquarters. He hadn't realized who was injured, only that it was a result of someone taking a blow for Chief Kondou. Everything happened too quickly to process, but he could not say he was shocked when he found out the victim's identity. Katamitsu had always been loyal to a fault.
Jun's body had gone numb and his mind blank as he walked around in a daze for several minutes before leaning against a tree. He sat there for an uncountable amount of hours, not realizing he had begun to weep nor when the tears had begun to fall down his face. However, it did not take long to realize that the tears weren't solely for Katamitsu, but for his mother as well, having never allowed himself to grieve the first loved one he lost.
No sleep was had that night. Very little sleep was had for many nights after that. He'd tearfully stared at the ceiling, drifting between wistful dreams and nightmares. Dreadful experiences, yet also the only interactions he could still have with them, it did not matter that they were imaginary interactions.
He reestablished his old world of isolation, doing little outside of what was necessary. He had volunteered to be the one to bring Katamitsu's sword to his family, like Katamitsu had done for many comrades. Jun was aware of Katamitsu's estrangement with his family. Nonetheless, it stung when they rejected the sword and claimed that Katamitsu deserved to die, as they had been considering him dead long before this. Jun could not bear to look at or touch it more he had to, so he was eager to give it back to the Shinsengumi leaders and let them do whatever they preferred with it.
Four months went by, a confusing mix of being too fast and too slow. For all his grief, he had not lost the determination to help and protect those in need. That was why he found himself becoming increasingly disturbed with how obviously secretive the leaders were, with an emphasis on the founding leaders.
His dislike of Okita grew strong during those months. Okita had begun to brag about the sacrifices made for Chief Kondou and how they must never end, so that 'their' dream could be maintained. He had listed names of men that died aiding the chief, and eventually, to no real surprise for anybody, focused on Katamitsu.
Jun's dislike then turned to scorn. If Okita enjoyed being regarded as a tool, then so be it. That was his problem, not any of the men he had the gall to disrespect with a delusion of grandeur.
Of course, he went on plenty of rants about people such as Shigemori who had been sentenced to death via seppuku.
After gods knew how long, Jun snapped. Okita had remembered Jun's closeness to Katamitsu and Shigemori, and developed a liking to babbling about them to Jun. No matter how much effort Jun put into avoiding Okita, the captain followed him around as if he was a tail attached to his behind.
Did he have nothing else to do? On second thought, he most definitely did not, because this kind of behavior made up his daily schedule, that was merely the first time he found a target in Jun.
Jun hoped against hope for schedules of training and patrols that did not involve Okita. Obviously, Okita wouldn't change every details of his duties to pester one person, but half the time Jun was forced to endure his presence.
Exactly four months had passed when Jun snapped. He had screamed at Okita to shut up and cursed him out with an intensity and creativity that could be considered second to Commander Hijikata. Okita had started to yell back, acting more condescending and hypocritical than usual, and shoved him to the ground. He had been starting to draw his weapon, but Jun moved faster, throwing himself toward Okita with his fist ready to strike, and managing to land a punch to Okita's left eye. Okita had cried out more from shock than pain and fallen on his backside. He would have gladly beaten him to a coma or death had the others not arrived and intervened.
Jun had not been giddy nor sad when he confirmed he had struck that immature excuse for a soldier. It would not matter if Okita said he had technically started the 'fight' by shoving him, the brat would have gotten away with it like he did everything else.
Hours passed, late into the night, as they set up him for the life or death choice that others had faced. He might as well have been a statue with his refusal to move or speak. He was sick of these pathetic excuses for leaders, sick of watching good people like Katamitsu and Shigemori and (despite not knowing him) Arimasa being shamed or mocked in various manners, to hell with intent. And those were merely the most obvious examples.
The spite was back in full force, overwhelming his mind. It was reckless, stupid, to brush off the explanations for the Water of Life, but he had long passed the point of caring. He sensed that they wanted him gone, threat and trouble that he became, perhaps mulling if it was worth the risk of him becoming more difficult as a Fury.
He had nothing left, so he chose to drink, hoping whatever suffering he was bound to endure would in turn enhance theirs.
It was...empty afterwards, for gods knew how long. He had stopped living, a pathetic existence that seemed to cause the betrayers trouble in turn, but enough. But then, would any level satisfy him?
He managed to achieve moments of consciousness and awareness, enough to realize that two others occupied his cell, though unlike him they were chained and not as calm. Jun recognized Shigemori and suspected the second one was Arimasa. He wondered if their mutual comrade was a victim of that red chemical. He hoped not.
But then he found out that Katamitsu was indeed among them, damaged but putting himself back together and desperate to help them recover.
He saw that Katamitsu had no intentions of letting their traitorous superiors get away with this, and understood that it would take time for them to recuperate.
Spite remained as a motivator, but so did justice, or was it vengeance?
As Jun and Katamitsu looked to one another and then at Shigemori and Arimasa, they shared a dark thought:
It did not matter.