For the last few days, Sayo had tried to put Roselia's festival performance out of her mind. She stowed the way she felt about it, preserved it in a little imaginary box, so she could talk about it with the band on Sunday. If it was stored away, then she wouldn't have to think about it for now.
At least, that was the goal. In practice, it was much harder to set aside. The disappointment weighed heavily on her shoulders as she went about her week. The feeling she had during the performance, that the band was slipping away, stuck with her.
Today she had ensemble practice, which met once a week. A wide variety of first year music students were assigned to it, making a complete symphonic orchestra. Sayo's role was to play electric guitar, though the pieces they chose had very small guitar parts. She sat next to a bass player, who likewise spent most of rehearsal waiting for the few moments when he would get to play. His last name was Cooper, or perhaps Hooper. Sayo couldn't quite remember.
Sayo had only spoken with him a couple times, which made it strange when he approached her at the end of rehearsal.
"Hikawa-san." Cooper said as he stood from his chair, drawing Sayo's attention. "I saw your performance on Sunday."
Oh, so he was there. A bitterness rose in the back of Sayo's throat. It made sense that a few of her classmates could've gone, since a band from the school performed. Sayo could only hope she hadn't made too terrible of an impression.
"I see." Sayo replied simply. When Cooper waited for her to say more, she sighed. "What did you think?"
His eyes lit up at the question, likely he'd been waiting for her to ask. "You were great! I knew you were good from class, but wow…" His voice trailed off for a moment. Sayo couldn't help but feel her mood lift at the compliment, the corner of her mouth raising slightly. "You really stood out from the rest of your band."
Sayo's lips immediately fell. "Is that so?" She asked, the hand on her guitar tightening. An image flashed in her mind, of the band she was in before she met Yukina. In terms of talent and dedication, she had far surpassed them. That wasn't the case with Roselia.
"For sure." Cooper pressed on, either unable or unwilling to read the change in her mood. "I'm forming a band with a few others, and we could really use a talented guitarist. We'll go even higher than your current band ever could!"
The feet of Sayo's chair scraped angrily against the ground as she rose to her feet. She'd been humoring him, but this was unacceptable. Irritation, hot and overbearing, buzzed in her mind. Sayo bit back a retort, that Roselia was far better than his neophyte band could ever be. That was the wrong response, and she knew it. She still had to play with him for at least the rest of the semester, or maybe even the rest of the school year. It wasn't worth it to burn this bridge.
"I appreciate the offer." Sayo forced herself to say, trying to keep her tone polite. "But I must decline. I am Roselia's guitarist, and I will play with them for the foreseeable future." Perhaps her voice was a bit icy; that was fine.
"I understand, thanks for considering it." Cooper looked crestfallen, but he took the rejection with grace. He stepped back, said he would see Sayo next week, and retreated the rest of the way to his seat.
Sayo watched him go, all the unpleasant feelings from the last few days churning once again through her mind. She couldn't believe the audacity, to ask her to join his band. To say that his band could raise her higher than Roselia, what an absurd notion.
Sayo turned away him, going back to her music stand. She sat down in her chair, the spike of anger deflating as she did. So, it had been that bad. The crowd still enjoyed the performance, but other musicians could hear the disunity.
For their first performance of the year, their first show since most of the band graduated high school, it was pathetic. Despite all of the work Sayo had been putting in, all of the efforts her bandmates were making, it felt like they were going backwards.
The peak had never felt farther away.
Sayo kept thinking about it as she put her guitar away, about the goal of the band. Roselia had always reached for the top and worked to be the best. They even made it to Future World FES, which was Yukina's primary goal. This year though, it felt like they were barely hanging on.
They barely practiced all together, and when they did there was far more relationship drama than in previous years.
Every member was pulling off on their own path, leaving the band behind. The band as a whole felt directionless, as it was now. What were they trying to achieve? Sayo didn't know. Perhaps that was the problem.
Sayo held onto that question, prepared to bring it to the meeting on Sunday. She wanted to talk about it with the others.
Sayo was second to arrive at the family restaurant. She was ten minutes early, so she had expected to be first. Her anxiety had only grown over the rest of the week, as she shadow of this meeting hung over her.
Rinko beat her there and was already seated at a booth. She had both of her hands together on the table, fidgeting as she stared down at them. She didn't move as Sayo sat down across from her.
Sayo wasn't sure she should say to her, if there even was anything to say at all. They both stayed silent.
Next to arrive was Ako, followed by Yukina, and lastly Lisa. Lisa tried to brighten the mood as she sat down, but the general feeling of somberness prevailed. They didn't even order any food yet. Sayo didn't mind; she wasn't hungry.
"Our performance last week was lacking." Yukina started the meeting with the issue at hand. Her expression carried a deeper frown than usual, her voice cutting with its sharpness. She sat to Sayo's right, on the same side of the booth.
Rinko's hands tightened. "W-we didn't play together…" She spoke quietly, but Sayo was still able to hear her clearly.
Sayo nodded in agreement. Next to Rinko, Ako looked like she was on the verge of tears. "It felt like the music was pulling in every direction." She lifted her hands in a dramatic pulling apart motion, though her heart clearly wasn't in it. "I'm sorry I couldn't keep it together." She clapped her hands on the word 'together,' lip quivering slightly.
Lisa, who sat on Ako's other side, wrapped one arm around her shoulders. "It wasn't your fault." She offered comfort to their youngest band member. "It wasn't anyone's fault." Ako leaned into her embrace.
"But we do need to figure out what's causing it." Sayo interjected, since that was what they came here to do. She then recounted the story of what happened earlier that week, how Cooper had tried to recruit her after seeing the band's performance. The story was met with wide eyes all around, and Yukina crossed her arms as it neared the end.
"I turned him down, of course." Sayo scoffed, remembering just how bold he had been. "But it made me wonder, what are we trying to achieve?"
"Roselia will reach the peak." Yukina replied, in a firm tone. These were words Sayo had heard hundreds of times before.
"What does that mean now?" Sayo looked between her band members, from Lisa's wide green eyes to Rinko's averted gaze. "What is at the peak?" She turned last to Yukina, who glared at her through narrowed gold eyes.
"I-I wonder…" Rinko's voice trailed off. Her hands fidgeted.
Lisa released Ako, leaning slightly forward across the table. "What are you suggesting, Sayo?" She asked, eyes glimmering with worry.
That was the question, wasn't it. Sayo had been thinking about this all week, since the performance and since speaking with Cooper. What was the problem with the band and, more importantly, what did they need to do to solve it?
"I think that, without a unified goal we've been drifting apart. It feels like we're performing to meet our own ends, rather than as a group." Sayo chose her words carefully.
Across from her, Ako's expression shifted to more pensive and she tilted her head. Lisa's eyebrows came together as she considered the answer, and to Sayo's right Yukina's expression softened slightly.
"I agree." Surprisingly, Rinko was the first to reply. "Our music has become… too different… and disorganized…" She finally looked up at the rest of the band.
Ako clapped her hands together once, enthusiastically. "We need a new goal then! That'll bring us back together!"
Lisa still looked uneasy. "I don't know…" She turned to Yukina, who moved to meet her gaze. "Is that enough?"
Sayo understood her hesitance. There was no guarantee that setting a new goal would change anything, especially after the performance they just had. Without a shift in conviction, in attitude, a new goal would only change things on the surface.
It wouldn't change their scheduling problems, wouldn't change how their lives outside the band were drifting apart. Nobody suggested that the band could break up if they didn't solve this problem, if they weren't able to play together, but Sayo could see the thought in Rinko and Lisa's eyes.
Yukina didn't seem to carry those hesitations. "A new goal is a good idea." She asserted, causing Ako to smile in relief. "We should come up with one together." She looked around as if to ask for ideas.
"Hmm." Ako lifted one finger to her chin as she thought. "We could engulf the world in darkness?" She waved her hands as if to spread the darkness. She must've been trying to lighten the mood, but Sayo didn't appreciate the joke.
Lisa chuckled though, so it was fine. "We need something more achievable, I think."
Silence settled over the group as they each tried to think of a new goal. It extended over a few minutes, which felt like hours. Sayo wondered what she wanted the band to achieve. To sell a certain number of cd's perhaps? That was a silly goal, a futile one. It wouldn't help bring the band together.
"W-we can each think… over the week." Rinko replied. "Then decide at rehearsal… next weekend."
Sayo wasn't going to argue against that. She also had no idea what she wanted for the bands goal. It felt less like she was simply picking a goal for the band, and more like she was deciding the band's future. A question rang through her head, what was keeping the band together?
The answer to that had always aligned with their goal.
It was another thing she needed to ponder, something else to occupy her thoughts.
When Sayo left the restaurant that night, her shoulders didn't feel any lighter.