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his coat is torn and thrown aside, a red pile of cloth on the sand a few feet away from him. gaara's eye still throbs painfully, and he can feel the injury start to swell a bit. He grimaces and tries to get air back into his lungs. he's never been able to take a hit particularly well. he distantly remembers screaming in the chunin exams arena, after seeing his blood for the first time ever.
he thinks his brow bone may be broken - fractured, or something similar- but he can't be sure. all pain generally felt more or less the same to him. excruciating. like his nerves were on fire but also numb and cold at the same time. how did people stand it? how did his friends handle being hit in battles all the time?
the kick to his ribs isn't a surprise, but it hurts all the same and he swears he feels something in him crack. it knocks out the last of the air he had, and he chokes on a cry, unable to help it.
the next blow is to his temple. he chokes on another sound of pain, mouth filling with blood.
gaara coughs and chokes, red droplets staining the sand beside him. he forces himself to turn his face to the ground, so he doesn't suffocate. he writhes for a moment, feeling somewhat useless. granted, without his sand the odds were against him, but he still feels supremely disappointed in himself all the same. he weakly tugs at the ring around his neck, panic starting to mount higher once he resigns himself to the fact that he can't pull it off. his sand is in a wet pile on the ground, unresponsive. what was this thing? a chakra inhibitor? a blocker? who were these men? why attack suna?
they laugh when their leader yanks him up by his hair and punches him. gaara's dizziness increases tenfold and his vision blurs and spins before he distantly feels the man tackle him.
he realizes he can't breathe.
then he's on top of him, a hand around his throat.
"his skin's pretty soft. shinobi, my ass." he growls, cutting off gaara's airway. the young kazekage swings at him clumsily, trying to coordinate numb limbs that hardly feel like they're attached to him anymore.
his ribs are screaming in pain and he's running on a dangerous lack of air.
it hurts.the pain that racks his body is all consuming, and his brain is unable to compartmentalize and try to think past it. the feeling of the strange and violent man on top of him doesn't help, and gaara feels the edge of his vision start to blur and blacken. then everything starts spinning once again. he strikes gaara again. and again.
again.
fire. fire. pain.
everything is too loud.
and for a long, confused series of moments he can't - for the life of him - understand why the man on top of him stopped hitting him and started tugging at his clothes. he watches his eyes change. they'd gone cold in a way that made gaara struggle harder. the hand around his neck squeezes harder, and gaara gasps for breath - his broken ribs screaming in pain with every movement.
"stay still, you little -!"
he feels blood and pain explode in his mouth from the man's next strike. he chokes, gagging and coughing.
gaara grows increasingly dizzy from lack of air as his lungs spasm for breath and he sputters, spitting blood onto the sand as the man grapples at his body.
gaara ignores him for the moment, desperately trying to breathe and avoid passing out. or worse - suffocating on his own blood.
then something...confusing happens. he feels his pants tugged down his legs, nearly ripped from his body and thrown aside. confusion makes him stall in his movements, his mind scrambling to understand what was happening now.
why was he-?
then the stranger is between his legs and Gaara starts to fight once more, grabbing for anything to use as a weapon, anything that he can grab off of them to slash at the man currently on top of him. he struggles and starts to truly panic. the confusion no doubt made it worse. as bad as the pain of being hit was, not knowing what they would do next made his heart pound further. fear burrows deeper inside him, almost all consuming. he hasn't been this afraid in such a long time, and even then...not like this. the growing dread almost chokes him more than the blood filling his mouth.
then the man starts touching him, and gaara doesn't know what to do or what's going on, but he panics and does what he can to shove away the hands that roam his bare skin to no avail. he simply gets hit again and his ears ring louder - echoing in his head. he expected it, but it still hurts and disorients him.
"how does a tiny thing like you have all that power, huh?" one sneers at him, yanking at his hair. gaara grits his teeth against the pain.
blood bubbles between his teeth.
they're all on him, yelling, tugging and crushing him. gaara can't breathe.
are they intending to smother him to death?
that might be the scariest part. there are so many, and for some reason they all just dogpile onto him, touching him and yanking his hair, clutching him so tight he bruises. one of them screams something in his face when he struggles, and gaara doesn't catch it, he just feels that helpless terror wash over him even quicker.
gaara's mind suddenly has the thought that he misses his coat. it's such a strange thought to have at the moment, but it pops into his agonized and confused mind and he feels a distinctly unique moment of sadness. it was his favorite, kankuro sewed it for him. it was the only one of its kind. and now it was ruined and tossed aside like it was trash. he desperately just wanted to cover himself up. with anything.
why?why this?
his coat is long gone though, and so are his pants, and he has no clue why they don't just kill him. what were they going to do? beat and strip him? why not just finish the job? what is the point of-?
he's pinned to the ground and slapped - further disorienting him - and he hears someone laugh. they're laughing at him. while he's grabbed and touched - naked, bruised and bloody. something like shame settles deep in his chest. pathetic.
someone punches him in the stomach next, and gaara would curl up and protect himself if he could, but the body on top of him makes it impossible. gaara's never been very physically strong, and he knew this.
the one on top of him says something to another one of them (but gaara's ears are ringing too loud for him to really hear it) and he suddenly feels another sharp, agonizing pain as the man burns his shoulder with a cigarette.
the thug smiles cruelly and twists, pressing the lit end of the cigarette further into gaara's skin as smoke rises and the young kazekage writhes in pain.
gaara can't help the cry that wrenches from him, burning pain searing into his skin as he grows more nauseous from the smell of his own burning flesh. he's quickly punched in the eye again, and he chokes again on the blood already pooling in his mouth.
he gasps for air as one of them pull him up by his hair.
the hand around his throat vanishes and gaara feels his lungs scream as he desperately tries to get air into his lungs. gaara weakly tugs at his arm as the man hoists him up with one hand while his other hand reaches for his belt.
what?
why...why is he...?
naruto wakes in the middle of the night to the space beside him cold and empty, and the fox plush put aside along with the blankets on the side gaara was asleep on. he panics immediately, hands reaching for the lamp, frenzied and clumsy with sleep.
naruto hurriedly switches the lamp on - and only barely avoids knocking it over entirely in his frenzy - sitting up and throwing the blankets off of himself - swinging his legs over the edge of the bed before he can even fully open his eyes. his first thought is loud and echoes in his head.
where's gaara?
wherewherewhere-
naruto probably hears the shower running way too late, but he panics and his thoughts get away from him before he could even fully process his surroundings. the adjoining bathroom light is on and the shower is running. he melts a bit in relief for a moment, happy the redhead hadn't wandered too far.
naruto stumbles to the door, rubbing his eyes and yawning. he takes a moment to wake up, and then he realizes that something still feels wrong. he's immediately on alert.
"gaara? hey, you okay?" naruto calls, listening at the door.
no answer.
naruto frowns, starting to worry and panic again.
no, something was wrong.
"gaara, i'm coming in." he warns, quickly opening the door and stepping into the bathroom. the moisture in the air immediately clings to his skin and his hair.
the steam is so thick naruto can barely see or breathe-
"gaara?"
naruto tries to respect gaara's privacy, but the redhead isn't answering him and naruto feels his heart start to pound. the shower curtain is drawn, and the water is running, but gaara doesn't answer.
naruto panics.
he tears away the shower curtain.
gaara is sitting in the bath under the spray, skin red and irritated from the extreme heat of the water. red hair is soaked and stuck to what little part of gaara's face he can see since gaara's head is rested on his knees. thin shoulders are wracked with shallow, harsh breaths as he tries to breathe through the steam. his clothes are drenched.
"gaara!" naruto cries, reaching under the boiling spray and wincing as he endures it to quickly twist the shower off. the spray stops and the room goes silent. gaara doesn't lift his eyes or acknowledge that he's being addressed, completely absorbed in his own head. he just painfully gasps for breath.
it's when naruto gently takes his wrist that gaara seems to wake up in panicked alarm, starting to struggle and feebly protest.
it's weak seeing as he's far from healed and now he's faint from sitting under hot water for too long, but he struggles and whimpers all the same, eyes glassy and betraying his fear.
his eyes ...it's like he's not even here . gaara's so deep in his own head that he doesn't even see naruto. he just stares through naruto, eyes wide in horror and lost in memory.
and he feels like absolute shit for grabbing gaara and basically manhandling him, but gaara's skin was horribly flushed and his breathing was shallow and erratic from the heat. naruto needed to get gaara into cooler air - get him some water and make sure he wasn't burned .
the redhead's skin looked irritated and blistered, and Naruto tries to avoid the parts that look most painful, lifting a weakly struggling gaara as gently as he can. his bandages were soaked, and would need to be replaced too. and his cast...
"don't touch me -!" gaara gasps, trying fruitlessly to twist away from naruto's touch, "d-don't…"
naruto feels his chest go tight.
"gaara, hey . it's - it's okay . it's me, it's just me. i'm never gonna hurt you. you're gonna pass out from heat exhaustion if i let you stay in here, yanno?" naruto tries, sadness settling in his very bones to see his friend so distraught. gaara doesn't even seem to know naruto is there.
gaara was completely delirious and obviously in the middle of a flashback, eyes starting to water as he struggled to fight naruto off, not recognizing him in the least.
"go away-" he murmurs, " stop touching me. it hurts… "
naruto pauses, quickly considering calling for help. he could, but…
naruto hesitates.
gaara trusted him. and he was embarrassed enough without others being privy to him having a flashback - being thrown into a horrible memory. gaara would be mortified. he didn't need that too.
no.
naruto could do this. just take it step by step. what did gaara need first?
well, he was terrified. naruto should calm him down first, so he didn't hyperventilate, and then...warm, dry clothes. right. they could get his bandages changed in the morning. gaara was exhausted - naruto could see that - even in his panic.
"it's okay, gaara. it's just me." naruto soothes, "it's okay, i just wanna get you dry, okay? it's just me..."
naruto presses his thumb against his friend's 'love' scar. a simple, gentle caress.
gaara goes limp, exhausted. he goes quiet, too.
"it's okay, i'd never hurt you, yanno?" naruto soothes, smiling softly at the flushed and tired body in his arms. he managed to grab the towel as he carried gaara to the bedroom, putting him on the bed and wrapping him in it. gaara doesn't say anything, he just quietly lets naruto ground him.
when gaara comes back to himself he starts to tremble.
"gaara?"
"i'm sorry." gaara rasps quietly, looking at his wet cast, "i didn't mean to wake you."
"hey, it's no problem, you know that! i was just...worried about you."
gaara shivers under the towel draped around him. naruto fetches some clothes for him before coming back and gently running the towel through wet hair. naruto could almost swear gaara was pouting, clearly upset about being uncomfortable wet.
his eyes fall on another bite mark on gaara's chest, plainly visible even under the weighed down collar of gaara's shirt. his smile falls.
"gaara, why were you sitting under burning water?"
gaara hesitates, then tenses.
"gaara...talk to me. Please?" naruto pleads, "please?"
"i...had a nightmare."
naruto frowns, saddened.
"was it...about what happened?"
gaara doesn't answer, instead he looks to the side, face red.
the next day it's just as hard. gaara barely speaks the whole day, and he hardly eats anything - even soup. naruto feels the worry start to mount once gaara starts to shake after dinner, his eyes going empty again.
his bandages are clean and new, but the inky black bruises still littered his skin, marring it in purples.
so, naruto did what he knew what to do. he slowly pulls gaara close and to his side, bracing his injured friend on his chest and lending him silent comfort. that seemed to help the best, these days, since gaara didn't seem to want to talk about what was on his mind. could naruto blame him? who would want to remember or talk about something like that? the shame on gaara's face was already so seemingly permanently fixed to his expression, and naruto can almost feel the self-loathing rolling off of him all the time.
naruto looks down at his friend and pauses at the sight of another bite mark he's never seen - just below gaara's collarbone.
he freezes, frowning. how-how many are there? how many times did they-
gaara looks away, eyes dull, "i fought the best i could. i'm sorry."
naruto falters, but can't help pulling gaara closer in that moment, his very blood aching to make this better. fix it somehow.
"i know, gaara-chan." naruto murmurs into his hair, finding trivial comfort in the old nickname, "i know. none of this is on you. this isn't your fault, gaara. none of it, yanno? you got nothing to apologize for."
the redhead shivers, sounding completely lifeless, "i...i tried. i really tried. i didn't just let them, i tried."
naruto pulls him close, "hey...i know, and even if you couldn't fight they were wrong gaara, yanno? no one should ever hurt you. you didn't deserve any of this."
gaara was small, even before this. past his jutsu and his shields, if someone overpowered him and cut off his chakra he wouldn't be able to fight them off. naruto knew this from sparring. gaara couldn't overpower naruto in taijutsu, even when the blond went easy on him. he was simply too slight, short and skinny. he's had to utilize other methods to compensate.
gaara's eyes clench shut, and naruto knows he's hearing gaara at his most vulnerable. he's letting naruto in a little more, every second of every day, but this is the first time gaara's directly addressed what happened to him.
naruto's usual method still works, it seems. keep at it and eventually...
"why are you so...warm? and...nice, to me?" gaara asks quietly, sounding genuinely disoriented and confused. naruto feels a surge of hot and blooming affection in his chest for the redhead, pulling him further into his arms with a small smile.
but then there's that steady sadness - because how could gaara not know?
"you're so silly. i love you, of course i'm gonna be nice to you." naruto murmurs, gently kissing gaara's brow.
gaara doesn't cry, but he sniffles and doesn't fight him, or tell him to leave.
"and hey-"
gaara looks away before naruto takes his chin between his fingers and gently moves gaara's gaze to him again.
naruto shuffles in close to him.
"i know you're thinking you're weak or whatever, but you defend yourself just fine." naruto tells him, "you can't predict everything. that's not your fault. none of this was your fault. and none of it means you're not strong, yanno?"
gaara shakes his head, looking away, "you don't understand."
naruto startles just a bit, suddenly fearing that gaara would close himself off again. he can see it happening before his eyes. how the young kazekage's shoulders slump and he can't meet naruto's eyes.
"then talk to me, gaara. tell me what's going on inside that head of yours." naruto tries, hands reaching for gaara's again, making sure not to hurt him, "make me understand. i wanna understand."
gaara falters and takes his hands back - rubbing his shaking hands across his face. naruto wants to take his hands from his face and scold him for possibly opening a wound or disturbing a bandage, but he holds his tongue just this once.
after a moment he gives naruto a shaky and unsure, "i don't know what to say when you say things like that."
naruto smiles, soft, "you can say whatever you want. or you don't haveta say anything! just know i'm always here for you, yanno? you're gaara! i love you!"
gaara shakes his head, looking away.
"nope. no rejecting it." the blond grins, "ya gotta accept love sometimes, yanno?"
gaara clearly doesn't know what to say, but his face goes a bit red and he looks at his cast.
naruto takes it upon himself to settle the fox plush into gaara's hands, before cuddling close to him.
after a long moment he hears gaara say something that makes his heart sink to his stomach.
"you shouldn't."
he knows what gaara is talking about, but naruto's brain comes to a standstill and the stupid, stupid question is out of his mouth before he can stop it.
"shouldn't what?" he blurts out, sounding outraged even to himself.
"love me." gaara rasps. like it's the easiest thing in the world. like it wasn't absolutely ridiculous.
naruto pauses in shock before indignation takes over. he sits up straighter, looking down at gaara with wide eyes.
"gaara! don't say that!" naruto says, unable to process why gaara would-
"i mean it."
"i know you're struggling right now, i - i know, but you'll get better, and it'll be okay-"
gaara shakes his head, "will it? does it really get better? at all? because i thought it was getting better after the war, and then this happened. what will happen next?"
naruto feels dread build in his chest, and he can hardly breathe around it. "y-you'll be able to heal - and -"
"what does it matter?" gaara snaps suddenly and loudly, frustrated.
naruto startles, not expecting that response. he's also sort of startled at gaara's sudden volume. he hasn't heard gaara talk above a whisper since he got back to suna. the horror of what gaara says (and the ease at which he says it) stun him, and he feels his heart start to pound.
"what do you mean?"
"i...can't be kazekage anymore..." gaara says, "...my sand won't respond. i can't even protect myself, much less the village." gaara says.
something about how he says it causes naruto's already crumbled heart to break further for him.
"i'm sure when you heal it'll-" he rushes to start.
"no. you don't understand. i mean...my shield." the redhead says, sounding a bit dazed and sad, he tenses in naruto's arms, "i learned...that my shield is my mother's will to protect me, infused with the sand. it was never my own chakra that controlled it. or shukaku's. so even if my chakra comes back…"
naruto smiles, bright and heartwarmed, "so it's not shukaku! your shield is because your mom loves you a lot! that's so cool, gaara!"
if gaara deserved anything, it was massive amounts of love. the boy had gotten far too little of it in his life, and naruto knew that better than anyone. what that was like.
gaara still doesn't look at him, but he tenses further at his words and naruto suddenly knows he's said something fucking stupid, or he's missed something or- or-
"gaara-?"
"but now it won't respond." gaara says quietly, "it won't protect me anymore. she's…"
oh.
oh no…
naruto inches closer, reaching out for his hand - aching to touch, to comfort, "gaara…"
"my mother's left me. i've disappointed her. if i would have been stronger this wouldn't have happened to-" gaara starts before he abruptly stops. and naruto freezes in sick shock at his words. his hand hovers in the air, frozen in horror and reaching for his friend.
gaara clutches his left hand in his right as he starts to tremble, clearly far away. he's hardly even talking to naruto anymore. more like he's just whispering to himself, so lost in his own head and his own horrible thoughts that naruto isn't even there anymore.
he doesn't expect such horrible things to leave gaara's mouth, and for a second he's frozen in shock, horrified at his friend's words.
"even she's disgusted with me. she's finally left me too. it makes sense. i don't deserve for her to keep protecting me, not after how i...how foolish and weak i've been, but i...i at least...i didn't think she'd leave me so suddenly-"
and all at once gaara sounds so dejected and like he's about to cry and naruto finds himself moving so fast to wrap around gaara and pull him to his chest again before he can even consider what he's doing. not like it needed much thought, really.
because gaara was wrong . how could he think such a thing?
is that really what gaara thought? that his mother's will and love ultimately abandoned him because of what those monsters did to him? naruto tries not to react emotionally, but it's so, so hard when gaara was so wrong about this and tearing himself apart over it. he clearly thought any love his mother had for him was truly gone. gaara already believed himself to be at fault for being attacked, and this...
"what the hell are you talking about? gaara, stop it. we love you! your mom loves you! she's going to come back, i promise! she protected you through everything, she can't be gone! and she's not disgusted with you, how can you say that, yanno?" naruto cries desperately, just trying to get gaara to understand, "how could she be? she's your mom, gaara! she loved you with everything she had! there has to be another explanation-"
gaara pulls away from him, almost violently, eyes downcast, though his face doesn't change, "no, i-"
"gaara, you gotta listen to me! your mom adored you. i know you don't believe me when i say it'll come back." naruto whispers into gaara's hair, "but you will. i promise. your mother's love could never abandon you."
"...but it did. through my own fault." gaara says after a long moment.
"gaara, there's absolutely no way that your mother would ever leave you, and i...i think deep down, you know that." naruto says quietly into his friend's hair as he holds him again - tight enough to feel gaara's heartbeat through his chest.
right.
right.
gaara was alive . he survived that horror . he's here . and if he's alive it could get better someday, right?
god, naruto hoped so.
the blond whimpers and holds gaara close. he's silent for a moment, just holding the redhead and shaking.
"nothing like this should have ever happened to you." naruto tells him, voice cracking in pain for his friend, "you didn't deserve any of this. i'm always too late. i'm sorry i'm always too late to protect you, gaara. it won't happen again."
gaara tenses slightly in his arms.
"none if this is your fault." gaara tells him, and it's the most firm naruto has heard gaara in a while, "it's no one's job to protect me-"
"i want to." the blond sniffles, "it has to be me. gaara -"
"you should go." gaara says quietly and suddenly, "you'll resent me someday if you don't."
naruto freezes and crowds into gaara's space so quickly that even he doesn't know what he's doing, but he takes gaara's hands and looks him right in the eyes for a few moments, waiting for the surprise at his sudden closeness to fade from those green eyes so maybe gaara's stubborn ass would listen to him.
it's the first time gaara's looked at him for more than a fleeting second since he got here. sometimes their eyes met for a glimpse before gaara quickly looked away, mortified. naruto finds himself savoring being able to looks into those familiar, pretty seafoam eyes. the only downside is that they somehow looked more haunted than they did before. fearful. terrorized.
naruto needed to get through to him. no matter how many times he had to repeat this. he could never leave gaara to flounder and suffer alone. no.
no.
"i don't know where you got that thought from. but never think it again." naruto says seriously, smile long gone, "i could never resent you. and you know that."
gaara tries to turn away to avoid looking at him, but naruto only crowds in closer, their foreheads almost touching. the blond can hear gaara's shaky breaths, and can almost feel the warmth of the furious blush on gaara's cheeks on his own face.
"nope, no looking away…" naruto says, both chastising and teasing, "c'mooon, look at me…"
and very, very slowly...gaara does. his face is beet red under the bruises, but he does.
naruto feels his heart do...something he can't describe.
"i could never resent you." naruto says, looking gaara right in the eye.
he leans in to press a kiss to gaara's forehead scar.
"i'm staying. i love you, and I'm staying."
gaara quite literally goes speechless, and naruto just watches his friend's face go adorably redder as he nods, clearly a bit dazed. probably by the fact that naruto just kissed him.
the blond can't help but huff a small laugh despite the heaviness in his heart.