The vertigo continued to overwhelm Lina, forcing her to keep her head down as Amelia cast a healing spell that she did not feel. Neither the relief of the spell or the pain from her injuries reached her. She didn't even feel a resistance to the urge to cry. All she felt was a vast well of emptiness that was so terrifying to even contemplate that she stared at the dirt path.
It was better than looking at the Kataart Mountains and being reminded of her insignificance. Especially to someone like Hellmaster Fibrizo.
Will I ever see Gourry again? For a brief moment a bubble of pain welled to the surface only to be suffocated by a wave of emptiness as her mind shut down.
"All finished." Amelia said, but her tone was devoid of the mirth that it typically had after a healing spell.
Lina tried to nod and say thanks. But she felt as though she was moving through a vault of molasses. Milgazia walked up, his expression unreadable. Lina was aware on some level that she should have been terrified, yet any terror that existed was subsumed by the emptiness. "Maybe I should kill you now while I have the chance." the golden dragon said.
Amelia gasped as Zelgadis came up and stood beside her. "Mr. Milgazia! Why?" Amelia asked.
Milgazia moved so he was directly in front of her and Lina felt compelled to look him in the eye as he said, "I fear that the only conclusion that I can come to is that Gaav was right and the world would be safer if you were dead."
Something wet was forming on her face. Was it raining? Or was it from her tears? Because if she was honest with herself, Milgazia was right! It was undeniable now that Hellmaster wanted her to cast the Giga Slave in the hopes that it would run amok. And if she did go to try to rescue Gourry then she would have to use that spell and risk the fate of the world. Gaav was right in wanting her dead. Somehow in saving the world she had become a threat to it. It wasn't fair, and for Gourry to get caught in the crossfire…
"I can kill you. It will be painless and it will stop Hellmaster's plan." Milgazia's voice was soft and steady. Amelia and Zelgadis watched Milgazia tensely as Lina lowered her gaze to the ground as a gut reaction bubbled to the surface, I don't want to die. And then a wave of guilt rushed over her, displacing the emptiness. How selfish did this make her, knowing that her existence was a threat to the world and wanting to fight for it anyway? "It's your choice. Unlike Gaav I am not a Mazoku and I shall not act like them. Should you choose to live I will let you leave here unharmed and stay on Dragon's Peak and not get involved. But should you decide to stop Hellmaster in his tracks…"
Lina stood up. "Thank you. But I'm not the type to lay down and die and won't be needing your assistance."
Milgazia nodded to her, "I shall leave the fate of the world in your hands then. Take care."
Lina didn't trust herself to say anything more as she started walking forward without waiting to see if Zelgadis and Amelia would follow or if they would abandon her. She was tired and exhausted and as much as she wanted to be at Sairaag that very minute it was impossible. Finding a bed to crash in was more achievable. The guilt weighed heavily on her shoulders as she walked, but it was not so stimulating that when she did find a place to sleep that it prevented her from crashing.
Lina always denied that she had any memory of the dream that she'd had the night after Gourry had been abducted. And she positively outright denied that she'd even had a dream the day after she'd made the decision to go to Sairaag to rescue him. Because never before had a dream left her drenched in a cold sweat and feeling as though her heart would implode.
After she woke she hoped that the dream would fade as dreams so typically did. But the details of this one were alarmingly persistent, hanging in the recesses of her mind and ready to torment her when she had a quiet moment or as she tried to sleep. The nightmarish image of Hellmaster standing before her in the rubble that was Sairaag holding an emaciated Gourry in heavy chains as he threatened his life would torment her, leaving Lina feeling as though she had no choice but to cast the Giga Slave if she was going to save him. But as she started to chant a familiar voice begged, "Stop!"
Lina ignored her as she continued to chant as Sylphiel materialized before her in the ephemeral way that people appear in dreams, her face twisted in rage as she said, "You promised me you'd never do this!"
I have no other choice! Lina thought as she continued chanting. "GIGA SLAVE!"
But her words echoed back ominously as a burning sensation spread through her hands and Lina hissed in pain. Hellmaster's maniacal laughter shook the world as Sylphiel's eyes filled with tears as a black mist enveloped her, "I warned you! I told you! You've killed us all!"
A shadow fell over them, and Lina looked up to see Milgazia in his dragon form circling them. "I gave you a way out." He said sadly, "It would have been painless. But now you have condemned us all."
"You promised me…!" Sylphiel said sadly as she dissipated in front of Lina's eyes as the world melted away as the pain burned through her. Lina looked over at Gourry, but he couldn't even meet her eye as he crumbled into a pile of black ashes as she started to scream so fiercely that she was stunned when she woke up that she hadn't woken the whole inn.
Lina gave up on sleep and threw open the window and forced some cool night air into her lungs as she struggled to get her bearings. She desperately wanted to escape her room and hunt bandits so she could run from the thought that a better person than her would accept death. But of course with Hellmaster's minions on the prowl it was too dangerous to leave the inn. And while she could give up on rescuing Gourry, she had little doubt that Hellmaster would resort to more dastardly schemes should she try to abandon Gourry to his fate. Who knew how many lives he would hold hostage until she did what he wanted?
Is that the truth, Lina? Lina could hear her mother's voice as starkly as if she was in the room with her and not thousands of miles away in Zefiel City. Lina took another breath of night air and stared out at the trees. Was that the truth? Or was that what she told herself to justify her selfish decision to rescue him? The thought of letting him go was unthinkable.
She felt the ache in her heart grow as she wished that she could talk to her mother. The only thing Lina knew for sure was that her parents wouldn't tell her that dying was her only choice. But then Sis would come in. Sis, who was so duty bound.
In Lina's moments of brutal honesty she wasn't sure which she was more afraid of, the possibility of going home and being told that the only way she could defeat Hellmaster was with Sis's help or being told that the situation was hopeless and that best thing Lina could do would be to lay down and die. When Lina thought about Sis being the one to race in to rescue Gourry her blood pressure shot up and it was all she could do not to throw things. But being told that dying was the better option…
That was the one thing she could not do. Besides, Sis may be more powerful than her, but Sis had never cast that spell…twice! Lina was sure she could pull it off again, especially now that she had the Demon's Blood Talisman and especially with her plan to split hairs with Hellmaster. She'd cast the incomplete version twice before without them and maintained control of it. No, the real risk was that a simple incomplete Giga Slave wouldn't be enough to take down Hellmaster and that he would kill her after she tried it.
But despite the risk, Lina had to try. Because if Lina was going to die, she was going to go down fighting.
Sylphiel's appearance on the way to Sairaag had thoroughly rattled Lina. There were the obvious reasons, such as the news about Sairaag's resurrection and Flagoon's disappearance and the prickling of her conscience. But the one that Lina never dared to share had been that until then she had been able to tell herself that the dream could not come true because Sylphiel was in Saillune. But now Lina knew that wasn't true. Sylphiel was on her way to Sairaag and could very well watch as Lina cast a doomed Giga Slave.
My dream is not a prophecy!
It had been a comfort to Lina that the Shrine Maiden was nowhere near them, but now that was gone. Sylphiel was the last person she expected or wanted to see. Somehow she knew Sylphiel would lay down her life. She would have accepted Milgazia's offer and been a willing sacrifice. Even if it meant sacrificing Gourry. Sylphiel would be the good girl that Lina could never hope the be, the type of girl that someone like Gourry could love in return...
I'm not going to think about this anymore! Lina thought as she set her short sword on her desk and laid in her bed and tried to sleep. She tried to avoid thinking about how she should fall on her sword and end it now. She could win this. She had thought this through and she had good, logical reasons for going and rescuing Gourry. If she was called before Ceiphied (or worse, Luna) she was sure she could justify her decision and be forgiven.
But then there was a knock at the door. And then Sylphiel was there. Lina expected her to remind her about her promise, but instead she started asking her what she thought about Gourry and whether or not she would have a reason to travel with Gourry if he no longer had the Sword of Light. It made no sense to Lina. But it seemed to make all too much sense to Sylphiel who appeared to seem as though she had cornered Lina when she forced Lina to reveal that she was thinking of reasons to travel with Gourry even if he no longer had the Sword of Light.
But then Sylphiel left. And it was as she left that it hit Lina. She was not some objective, logical observer who only wanted to travel with Gourry because he owned the Sword of Light. She wanted to travel with him because she was in love with him! She was a young girl who was in love, and one who was looking for reasons to justify prolonging her life and to save Gourry. Reasons that may be very convincing to a foolish, lovestruck young girl but might actually have been incredibly flimsy.
Lina sat still for a moment. And then her eyes fell upon her sword. What she had to do became clear. She walked to her desk and got out some paper and she started to write a letter to her folks. She apologized for the pain that this would cause them and for not being strong enough to stop Hellmaster, for dabbling in magic so powerful that it caught the attention of the wrong people…
But then, if I'd never cast the Giga Slave, Shabranigdu would have destroyed the world.
Lina sat at her desk and stared at the wall and desperately wished there was someone she could talk to about this. She was desperate to talk to her parents. They were hardly objective but she knew if she had their blessing it would be a lot easier to put away the sword. But then, if the fact that she had saved the world by casting the Giga Slave once wasn't a sign in and of itself, what was?
You're a foolish, love struck girl!
Lina slammed her hands on the desk as she stood up. I am not! It was not hubris on her part! She could do this! She was not going to lay down and die and send the message that the world was better off without her. Without Lina Inverse! The only human to have taken down a seventh of Shrabringdu! She couldn't lay down and die. She was their greatest threat!
But she hadn't down it alone. She'd had Gourry by her side. She would need her lug headed companion to bring Hellmaster and anyone else who challenged her down. She wasn't being selfish. They were needed in this world!
And she had never cast the Giga Slave expecting to die. She had done it so they could live. If there was only a 1% change, it was a 1% chance worth fighting for!
Lina set her sword down. It was enough to want to live to enjoy the pleasures of life. It was enough to want to share them with Gourry. Because she was going to get her man back! And she was going to make anyone who tried to mess with her and hers again think twice! She was Lina Inverse, and she was a force to be reckoned with.
AN: Thanks to the Slayers chat, I now have a Word document dedicated to ideas to develop that keeps getting longer and longer. So when I saw the Slayers Artober prompts I went through my rather long list of ideas I wanted to develop to see which ones worked well with the prompts. When the 8th novel was being translated there was some discussion with Lovingastory and others about whether Lina had ever thought of killing herself during this time, and I felt it deserved more exploration and fit the theme of Day 21, Give a Reason. Of course, me being me I had to go with the obvious NEXT stuff!
Anyway, one difference between the J-Novel translation and TP translation is how Milgazia handles the situation after Gourry is kidnapped. In TP he offers to kill Lina for her and in J-Novel he says he should kill her (the quote is directly from the J-Novel translation). But in both Milgazia lets her lives because killing her does not align with his values. The J-Novel is considered to be the more accurate translation but I kept I the bit about him offering to kill her for the thematic value.